Uncertainty

The main cause for this blog being titled uncertainty is because I was unsure of what to blog about. I had a great day today really. Nothing special about it, I just chose to have a good day. We played two ball soccer in gym so maybe that did it. Once again, I'm not sure. All I know is after seventh period today I caught myself walking down the hall singing and dancing to a song I was listening to.

Why all these feelings of uncertainty though? I think deep down it's because I am scared. Scared of not ending up the places I envision myself ending up.

I'm petrified I'll end up working as an accountant for the rest of my life. I'm scared I'll never get to live in New York. My biggest fear is that I won't find true happiness.

My definition of true happiness is as follows. Go to college at Fordham for the next four years of my life and graduate with a degree in accounting and in journalism. After graduation I want to live in the heart of New York in a great apartment. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, something cozy that I can call home. I want to work as a columnist for a newspaper or online journal and write a book of my own. The book has to be something inspiring, something that will hit readers hard, something that inspires thought. While in New York I hope to meet or reunite with the girl of my dreams. I hope to marry that girl before I'm twenty-six years old. After marrying I want to move out of the city, possibly back home to Pittsburgh and settle in a suburb somewhere I can feel good sending my kids to school. I want to have at least two kids one of which hopefully being a boy. I want to be a great dad always being there for my kids encouraging them to do what makes them happy. I want them to learn and grow and become good people. After sending my kids off to college if my wife agrees I'd like to move to Hilton Head to retire. A cozy house near the beach with a fireplace to remind me of home. A house that I can feel comfortable sitting in all day just reading and writing. I want to spend time not in Hilton Head traveling the world and being there for my family every step of the way. I want to die a happy, content old man who can look back on his life without regret.

Those are the major things I hope for. But I also dream of littler things. Things like looking at my wife after being married for fifty years and being just as in love as the first day I met her. Things like seeing my kids graduate high school and listening to Cat's In the Cradle because it reminds me of my Dad and growing up. Things like teaching my grand kids how to play sports even when my methods are outdated and probably heinous. My final dream is that I'll be able to lay my head down to sleep as an old man realizing I won't wake up the next morning, and accepting it. In those final moments before I fall asleep for the last time, when my life flashes before my eyes, I hope I see the most beautiful life a person ever lived. 

"And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed this life."
-J.K. Rowling in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


NP: Cat's in the Cradle- Harry Chapin