My first post came on September 26th, 2011. I can say that at that time I was a different person than I am right now. I was a man in a relationship. I was an unhappy man. I was a man that did a lot of thinking, none of which was positive. I questioned if I was enough.
Around a month later I was hurt bad. I was lied to and made to feel like nothing. Sadly I did nothing about it. I stayed put, afraid of change. You could call me a God fearing man, but after a four year relationship there was nothing scarier than being alone. Or what I thought was alone.
I waited another month before I acted. Unfortunately, it took a third time to save myself. Right before Thanksgiving I became single for the first time in over four years. I headed down to Hilton Head Island with a thousand thoughts running through my head. As I lay in the bed of my grandfather's house I wondered so much. I wondered what was ahead of me. I wondered where I would be around this time. I was scared beyond belief because for the longest time I had been sheltered away from what I was now going headfirst into.
If there was one thing that cleared my head since I started this blog it was a run I took on the beach the morning after I got to Hilton Head. I woke up way earlier than I needed to and went to the beach. I ran as hard as I could for as long as I could. I ran until I couldn't anymore and in those moments, when all I was worried about was breathing, I felt amazing. I was so worried about the next breath I was going to take that I couldn't worry about anything else that was in my head. What made it better was the fact that on my way back down the beach it started raining. It worked its way into a downpour and as it did I slowed my pace all the way until I was stopped on the beach. At that moment, I threw my arms up in the air and knew I was going to be alright.
Since then I have been alright. I came home and found overwhelming support. I found new people and let them into my life. I worked my way through Christmas talking to a great, great girl. Things didn't work out with her which I can say I'm truly sad about, but that's just life I guess. I had a great Christmas and New Years. Spent them both with people I truly love.
Since November the thing I can point out as the biggest change in me is how much time I've spent with my friends. I love them all so much and these past three months or so have been some of the happiest times I've ever had. Being single I have had much more free time to spend with them and I can say that i love it. I love that I've become a regular fan at swim meets and at hockey games. I love that most weekends I have a sleepover with at least one of my best friends and that it doesn't matter what we're doing we have a great time.
It's now the end of February and I have no idea where i am going to college. I want to go to Fordham. I will hear back from them in about a month's time which is unnerving and comforting at the same time. I can wait for college though because I have a lot of high school left to live. I have my senior season of baseball left to enjoy.
Soccer ended too soon and thinking back to it high school soccer was some of the best times I have ever had. We were the definition of a team and it's a group I will never, ever forget. We were, in a way, like the team that came two years before us. We have some outgoing characters and overall have great people. Our soccer team was made up of the scholars and stoners of West Allegheny High School. We also had everyone who falls somewhere in between. We were a group that had such different ideals but set aside our differences and came together. There are parts of this season I'll never forget, much like the season two years ago. I have to stop now though because thinking about soccer makes me want to cry.
Aside from baseball left ahead of me I have a senior trip to take...which is still being planned out. I also want to take the soccer team up to my cabin for a long weekend to just chill. Maybe take some other guys up like T-Will and Levi because i know they like the outdoors and T-Will and i have to go fishing together.
In a little over three months I'll be walking across the stage at graduation to shake hands with my best friend's dad. A man I have tremendous respect for and who I hope has the same respect for me. After graduation I'm going to be a mess. I can tell already. But i can promise you all that I will have one of the best blogs ever at that time. It'll be a blog for the ages. Full of wonder about what lies ahead and full of remembrance of what I have gone through these past four years. I'm still in awe that I'm a senior. I walk down the halls sometimes looking for Andy or Tony, waiting for them to call me a pussy or for Cav to walk by with some stupid grin on his face. I've had to realize that they aren't here though, and that in a way I've become them. I hope the underclassmen all know my name. I hope they know me by my turtle backpack, but I hope I'll be remembered for much more than the turtle backpack I adorned my senior year. I hope they remember me for the good I did and the words I said that hit home with them. I hope kids like Spencer Wolfe and Josh Kolarac look up to me the way I looked up to Tony, Andy, Capo, and Nick.
Come to think of it I really miss those guys. There is nothing I'd like more than to sit down with all of them and reminisce...I don't know if that'll ever happen though.
I'm ready to be done working after this week. I have a lot of friends i want to hang out with and a lot of people I want to reconnect with. I'll have my license in 3 weeks and I think that's going to open up a new dimension to me. i'll be able to go meet people and pick people up who I previously had to ask for rides. I can't wait. I know two places i am headed to for certain after I get my license. My Nan's grave and my cabin. two places i know I will be at total peace with.
Last thing. Since becoming single I have really become the person everyone turns to for advice and to share their problems with. I just want you guys to know I love being that person. I love being a part of your lives and even though sometimes it can all be too much to handle there isn't anything i'd rather do then help you.
This blog has gone on long enough but before I go I want to recall some of the things I've preached and lived by since starting this blog.
- "You came into this world the same as everyone else and you don't owe anybody anything. At the same time, don't go around expecting anything from anyone because you aren't granted or owed anything in return."
- "If you want something bad enough, fight for it."
- "Tell the people you love, that you love them. Never assume they know."
- "Be happy, make others happy, but don't ever live for anyone but yourself."
- "Put yourself out there and know that you might get hurt for it. But know that the pain of heartbreak will never hurt as bad as the pain of wondering what if?"
Somehow just found how to embed video links!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
(the part about getting higher than the empire state kills me, i am truly a sucker for nyc.)
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