Attempt

I am attempting to blog while riding a bike in the cardio room. Seems like the definition of killing two birds with one stone. We'll see how this goes...

Today, obviously, was Valentine's Day. And I didn't have a "valentine" for the first time in 4 years. I didn't realize that until just now. But in reality I did. My mom and my sister are my valentines. I love those two so much, and it doesn't have to be February 14th for me to tell them that.

I had a lot of mixed emotions today. I felt good all day until I got to 7th period. That gay movie we watched gave me 40 minutes to think. I did a ton of thinking that period and for the rest of the day.

The first thing I thought about was a "valentine." I love the idea of being someone's valentine and being the sole reason they're happy. I like seeing people happy, but I hate when I want to be the reason they're happy and I'm not. Something about feeling inferior just rubs me the wrong way. Basically I spent all of 7th period feeling inferior, lost, and confused.

8th period I felt totally different. In between periods I read something that made me think about something else...about going back. Back to the way things used to be. But I realized that isn't what I want at all right now. What I want is to live my life to its fullest on my own terms. Sure there are days I miss having someone who was all mine but most days I love this single lifestyle. I guess what I really miss is the security. At the same time I like the spontaneity that I can live with now. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

That same period I got to give my speech for public speaking. It was about my cabin and how it has changed over the years but has always been a part of my life. In the younger years it represented family values, my teen years it was a burden and an obligation, and now it represents something unattainable. I feel like my speech was well received. Everyone's face was blank after I finished and I think that's the way I wanted them to be. I think it shocked them. It felt good and I felt confident for all 2 minutes I was up there.

9th period my mind was onto something else. Going back again, but this time going back on your word. A couple months ago I was told by someone that they would never go back to a certain someone. Low and behold today they seemed to go back on their word. I don't know for sure if they did because I don't know the whole story but word on the street is they went back...which is sad to see.

At the same time that story represents something else. Giving things away prematurely. Whether its a belonging of yours or a loved one's. Whether its a necklace or your heart. I guess that some people can just give things away and not think twice about it. I have put my heart out there prematurely and I've let myself get hurt. But all along I've had good intentions. I question some people's actions...and intentions. But it's whatever.

Now I'm here looking back on my day and I realize I dwelled on the bad way too much today. I almost forgot that I was a true gym class hero today with 17 points in handball which is unheard of. I was an all-star, even if only in my eyes. Mr. Marshall talked about dwelling on the bad and missing out on the good in class today. Ironic, right? It's something we all do and need to do less. Myself included. Looking back today was definitely an off day. But I'll regroup tonight at the indoor game and I'll be fine...I always am.

Happy V-Day everyone. Don't forget to tell your parents you love them because when it comes down to it they're the ones who deserve to hear it the most, not some superficial "valentine." The people who check to make sure you're okay when you seem down, those are the real valentines.

NP: Jamie All Over- Mayday Parade