Turn Around

Well my first blog today was about how I was feeling out of it. My day ran it's course and I feel much, much better. I'm not sure why I felt a bit lost before. usually when I feel that way I get back on track by simply acknowledging the fact that I have no reason to be feeling that way. That theory worked today. After blogging about not feeling right my day turned around.

I went over to Ty's to watch the game. I fell asleep for a good part of the game which I owe him an apology for. Him being my best friend he didn't disturb me, he let my sleep run it's course and when I woke up he started poking me with his foot calling me sleepyhead or some other stupid name.

After that I came home and napped again for fifteen minutes. (Prior to my dream blog.)

I ate dinner with the family like I do most nights and got my Economics done and my college level paper done. While working on my homework I got a text saying that two of my friends were going to Starbucks and I was forced to go with them. Maybe that is a bit sensationalized, I wanted to go more than anything.

At Starbucks I paid, which I felt was my duty, and we sat around and drank our caffeinated beverages. Actually they drank iced coffee or some shit and I drank a chocolate chip frappachino. Classic me not liking coffee. We talked about relationships, mostly of the failed sorts and about Mara's horrible luck with dogs. when I say horrible luck I mean her overwhelming ability to kill any dog that spends too much time around her. Except Dusty, he lived a long live that ended in old age. (What a fitting name right? Dusty, he got old and turned to dust? Clever I think.) I enjoyed the time spent together.

I feel like I have locked up the role of gay best friend. Whether with Mara and Kendall or Anna and Jordan I feel like a smaller version of Damian from Mean Girls, except I would like to establish the fact that I am in no way a homosexual.

I accept yet renounce the role of gay best friend. I like the fashionable stereotype associated with it but hate that I always seem to get stuck in the friend zone. While I despise the friend zone I would never wish to not be friends with the girls I am friends with. I love them all to death and will take any role I have to to stay in their lives.

The struggle I find myself in is that i am always reading blogs about finding a dream guy and getting into a fairy tale relationship. I want the fairy tale relationship, but question if it's at all a fairy tale. Disney and modern media has portrayed these loving relationships as fantasy. I see them as anything but that. I want a girl I can call mine who is my one and only. I want to do anything for her and be the reason she smiles. I'll be your prince charming, but I am not climbing on a damn horse. That shit just won't happen. But I will open the door for you, compliment you,  listen to your "funny stories", and just be your best friend. I just need a chance.

For now I'll walk Friendship Road, and I acknowledge the fact that I can still do all those things for my friends. I guess I'm just a sucker for sappy love stories. Sue me.

                                 NP:

strange dream

I just took a 15 minute nap and I had the weirdest dream. I was at a hockey game watching someone I was best friends with in 2nd grade. He was in goal and I fight broke out. He got right into it and without his mask on I saw the person he is today. I saw the 18 year old him. He skated toe to toe with the other kids while trying to get off his equipment to fight better.

When the fight ended the game was called too and he came off the ice. For a second the dream went black and when it came back I was talking to him off the ice. Only now it was the kid I knew in second grade. A much smaller kid with a rounder, younger face. His hair was shorter and had bright blonde highlights. Talking to him was carefree second grade talk. Extremely innocent and friendly.

This dream hit me hard. In a way it represents change. Physical change being the smallest change.

When I saw him as the man he is today he was fighting, a violent fight and a violent thing to remember someone for. The younger him showed the old him. The carefree, stress free young boy who hadn't seen or tasted the evils this world has to offer.

That dream will stick with me for a while.

Mid-Day Review

Today's been an extremely mediocre day thus far. I've been feeling a bit out of it and I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a sort of sleep deprived coma or something bigger than that. I'm usually okay with 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep so I'm leaning towards the latter.

Not sure what it is but I feel like I'm missing something. I've been unmotivated and haven't put everything into my school work this week which isn't like me at all.

Overall I'm in a pretty good mood, I'm happy, but feel a bit off. I'll be alright though. In half an hour I'll get to watch the USA-Italy soccer game with Ty and Zach so that'll put me in a good mood.

The rest of my night is uncertain and maybe that's for the best. Spontaneity is a blessing.

NP: Purple Flowers- Drake and Wiz

Darn Econ

Sorry guys I've been busy trying to learn Econ. Well by learn I mean looking at the answers online, translating them, picking up the main points and putting them into a word document. Mr. Quinn wouldn't mind though, he likes me.

As for today. It was a great day. I dressed up for school today, red corduroys, a white button down shirt, a tie, and Sperrys. Last night at baseball Coach D told me too and I figured what the heck?

It felt good being dressed up. It's something I really enjoy doing. I like having people notice me and ask why I'm dressed up. In reality I didn't dress up for Coach D. I dressed up for self satisfaction. And I got that today.

School breezed by and after school I did some cardio and core before finding Jenny outside and coming home.

I feel the need to say how amazed I am with Jenny's dedication to track. today she did the pole vaulters workout and the sprinters work out one on one with Will Mills. She stays after everyday to run at the non mandatory practices and tonight she asked me for core workouts to do to get her core stronger so she can run faster. I think she has a bright future in track and in whatever else she puts her mind to.

Aside from being at the school to learn and workout I came back up at 6 to watch my cousin Carly play basketball. She's on Bishop Canevin's team and tonight they played at West A. It was fun to go and hang out with my Dad's side of the family because I don't really see them that much. My Uncle John and Uncle Jeff were both there and they were as big a crack up as always. They yell and scream and say inappropriate things. They are very obviously my father's brothers.

After the game I came home and headed back out to eat with Graz. We got some free pancakes at IHOP and we shared some laughs. We're both extremely excited for senior trip. Thinking about it is making me antsy. We also laughed because we felt like we were at school inside IHOP. half the staff is comprised of current West A students and it was funny to joke around with them and just have a good time with no teachers around.

On the way home Graz had me choose the songs and I couldn't stop playing Fine By Me by Andy Grammer. That song seriously puts me in such a good mood. The lyrics are just so good, maybe not to some people obsessed with deep lyrics and meanings, but to me the simplicity of the song is spectacular.

Maybe it's just me but I know that this is the song I want to sing to the girl of my dreams. (Granted I'm not a great singer, but i'd try my damnedest) Whether I've met her yet or not remains to be seen, but the girl who sings this song with me would be the girl I'd love to stay with and "never leave."  

Obviously this is what's NP.

Chardon Shooting

As i'm sure you've all hear there was a school shooting yesterday in a rural Ohio town. I didn't do a full investigation into the shooting but what I've gathered is that the boy who did the shooting didn't attend Chardon High, rather he went to a type of reform school for troubled kids. Today a second victim of the shooting was declared brain dead.

Two innocent lives taken for what reason? Maybe the kid had been bullied, maybe he was an "at risk youth," and maybe I'm in no position to judge him but this is my blog and I'll damn well do what I want. In my opinion this kid is a coward.  Dealing with your problems by bringing a gun to school and shooting several kids? What a pussy way to deal with problems. I'm glad the gunman didn't kill himself because suicide is the ultimate attempt of cowardice.

What I find incredible is that the school's assistant football coach chased the gunman from the school. I don't care if he thought the kid was out of bullets or not, that is a bad ass thing to do. It only takes seconds to put another clip into a pistol. That football coach is such a brave individual in my opinion. On a less serious note I could totally see Coach Druga being that guy at our school. Either him or Coach barry would definitely be the one to chase down a gunman. Druga would take any attack on this school as a personal attack and would go nuts.

That's all I have for right now. Just getting my point across that the coach is a hero and the shooter a coward. I feel bad for that coward though because he'll never know what it's like to be brave. He made a decision that will be with him for the rest of his life and he has to live with those lives on his hands forever. I feel bad for him.

NP: Superman- Five for Fighting

Q and A

So I've been researching how to make your blog more successful so I figure I'll take a page out of several people's books and ask for some comments to the following questions and ideas. You don't have to answer all the questions or any of them in fact, they're just there to provoke thought. If you want to comment back with answers feel free, if you want to text me about them feel free, if you don't have my number you can tweet at me and get it. I'm looking for some serious feedback so help me out if you can.

The first topic is this: Pursuit.
Pursuing something you're passionate about is a great thing to do. But  at what point do you need to stop chasing what you'll seemingly never reach? What's a worse feeling, letting something get away wondering if you could've done more? Or pushing yourself all the way and still not working out?

Topic Two: Simplicity
Last Night I blogged about a little boy I saw and he made me think that life is much more simple than we make it out to be. What is our purpose in life? everyone says, "God has a plan for us all." But what is that plan? Can the plan be something as simple as loving the life you live and living the life you love? Why do we complicate our lives with unneeded stresses? Sure other people can bring stress into our lives and complicate it for us, but for the most part we bring it upon ourselves. Is it human nature to make life more difficult and have to overcome the obstacles we put in our own way?

Topic Three: Hate
Is life too short to hate? Or are there some instances where hate is the only logical feeling?

Topic Four: Love
At what point should you tell someone you love them? Naturally love is a term used too loosely. I love my mom in a way much different than I love my best friend Ty. And I love him and my mom differently then any girl I've ever told I loved. My thing is if you say you love someone, you need to back it up. What's the best way to show someone you love them? Or is that a question that can't be answered in words merely shown in actions?

Not a long blog tonight, but I accomplished what I wanted. I might start doing one of these every week or every couple days to get you guys involved.

This is one of my favorite songs. Ever.

Forgot Something

I can't believe I forgot this but at work tonight I also saw two guys who always come in together. The first couple times they came in I thought they were gay, but they're far from it.

They're just two best friends. I mean these guys are close. They sit right next to each other at the bar, joke around with the bartenders, drink together, and even head over to Cinemark to watch a movie from time to time. I can't wait until I'm old like that. Well they aren't really old probably only 35 or 40 but but I can't wait til I can go to the bar with my best friend and just sit there and enjoy his company.

Already today I know that my best friends and I will be like that. The last movie I went to see in theaters? Was with Ty. We saw the second Sherlock Holmes. I love my friends and seeing these two guys made me so happy.

Back to what I said about the little boy today. He taught me so much about life in the hour he was there eating. He showed the importance of a loving family. The importance of a smile. The importance of humility. And more than anything, the simplicity of life.

Narcissism, Mongoloids, Buddy, and My Last Day

A strange title none the less, but that was my day.

Today was my last day of scheduled work for a while which is a good feeling. I love work, but not having something every day of the week is going to be a good feeling. I'll still pick up shifts on the weekends when I can, but to not be scheduled is like burden being lifted off my shoulders.

Now I'm sorry if this is going to keep you up because it very well might turn into one of my longest posts. So if you're a true fan and reader grab yourself something to drink and sit back.

Today I woke up at Moose's house and thought my MCL was torn. My right knee hurts so bad but I'm sure it's just a bad bruise. We went to get doughnuts and came to my house before i went to work. I'm realizing how good a friend Moose is. I kinda take him for granted but he is someone I can always count on, a genuinely nice, caring person. The kind of person I want to keep in my life.

I got to work one minute late which is my first time being late, ironic it came on my last day right? I guess I'll start with the narcissism part. Levi and i discussed a person we think might be narcissistic. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. This certain someone fits the second part of that definition head on. They love attention and dwell on it. I love this person to death though, I just can't feel sorry for them anymore. Even though I feel that way there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them. I've grown up with them and I'll always be there for them, even though I don't condone the choices they've made. In the end I haven't spent a day in their life and don't know their story. 


Next is Buddy. Buddy is one of the three managers at Stonepepper's and personally is my favorite. Buddy stand about five foot eight inches tall and has more sarcasm and wit than a person twice his size. He is one of the funniest people i have ever come to know. He has an obsession with red headed girls and the Mexicans who work with him call him gato muerto. He has met Drew Carey, Landon Pigg, and Brendan Frasier. He was in a rock band and I actually liked the songs he played me of theirs. Basically what I'm trying to drive home is Buddy is a great guy, a spontaneous guy, and a guy who is living his life. He majored in secondary education at the University of Texas and is going to Chicago in a week to interview for a college that deals with improv comedy. He could be a comedian for sure. Buddy is a great guy who has lived his life on his terms, and while i don't want to be a manager of a restaurant at 25 or 30 years old I admire the way he conducts himself. He takes care of his employees, paying their rents if need be, and he is genuinely nice. his sense of humor makes him a truly irreplaceable person. I'll miss buddy while I'm gone. I really will. 


Mongoloids sure sounds like a weird thing for a title doesn't it? A mongoloid is a term for someone diagnosed with down syndrome. Today at work a little boy and his family came in to eat. The little boy was probably 5 years old and from his facial features I could tell he suffered from down syndrome. Actaully I take back that last sentence. He didn't suffer from it at all. This boy was a beautiful, beautiful little boy. he was full of life and so so innocent. he ran up ahead of his parents on the way to their table and as they ate dinner I watched him as I walked by. He always had a smile on his face. Not once did he look sad. His parents are lucky to have such a beautiful child in their lives. He had a blonde bull cut and the cutest little face. He was laughing throughout the meal sitting next to his dad across from his mom and sister. His sister was probably 2 or 3 years older and she seemed to accept him wholeheartedly. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child diagnosed with down syndrome, but after seeing that little boy today I know that if i did I would love my child as unconditionally as if he was perfectly healthy. 


My mom told me once that in a book she read children with down syndrome are sometimes referred to as "clowns of God" because they're always smiling. This little boys smile is making me tear up right now because I know that God, wherever he is or whoever he is, sent this little boy to Earth to smile. In a world where people spend too much time frowning this little boy is grinning from cheek to cheek. I get the chills thinking about how different his life will always be and how he will have to overcome so much, but in all honesty if he carries on with that smile.... That little boy will be able to move mountains. He gave me a whole new understanding of life and how to go about it. that little boy means so much to me, and I don't even know him. I want you all to think about that little boy tonight, even though you didn't see him, you can read what I said about him. 


Appreciate the life you have. 


Smile as much as you can.


After work I rode home with JC and Kaci and we sat outside Kaci's and talked about life for a while. It was a great talk that spanned several different topics. The nicest thing was something Kaci said to me where she compared me to a kid who graduated several years ago. A kid who could live in a house where people taking shrooms and selling coke, and he would be off in the next room doing his homework. That was a huge compliment. 


NP: Falling in Love At a Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

3 AM Blog

Today, well yesterday actually, was a great day. I slept in until 10, which was at least 8 hours of sleep. I woke up and had some breakfast before eventually falling back asleep for another hour or so. I kinda screwed around until 4 o'clock when my friends came over to plan our senior trip.

We found four pretty nice places in Hilton Head. Ashley has to call tomorrow to check the prices and availability but I'm not worried because wherever we end up I'll be happy. The six of us heading down there will have fun anywhere. It's all about the company you keep, not the places you stay.

After finding those places we hung out in my den and were just being weird. Reenacting the movie Not Without My Daughter and A Thousand Splendid Suns. We have fun doing the most stupid shit. Then we all headed to our indoor game that we lost 7-0, but again it wasn't about the game it was about the people I was around.

After our game Ethan brought us home and we stopped at McDonald's and we were just being weird. I pretended to be blind the whole time and Ethan flashed a random lady three times....like I said, we're different.

Now I'm at Moose's watching tv and should probably get to bed soon since I have my last day of work tomorrow. (I'm so ready to be done working by the way, but I'll probably be bored tomorrow so I need whoever reads this to save me.)

Nothing intellectual for you all tonight which I'm sorry for, but you'll survive. I guess what I do have for you is this: Find people who make you happy, find people who want the same things as you, and after you find them, keep them. At all costs.

NP: Nothing Lasts Forever- Maroon 5

Uncertainty

The main cause for this blog being titled uncertainty is because I was unsure of what to blog about. I had a great day today really. Nothing special about it, I just chose to have a good day. We played two ball soccer in gym so maybe that did it. Once again, I'm not sure. All I know is after seventh period today I caught myself walking down the hall singing and dancing to a song I was listening to.

Why all these feelings of uncertainty though? I think deep down it's because I am scared. Scared of not ending up the places I envision myself ending up.

I'm petrified I'll end up working as an accountant for the rest of my life. I'm scared I'll never get to live in New York. My biggest fear is that I won't find true happiness.

My definition of true happiness is as follows. Go to college at Fordham for the next four years of my life and graduate with a degree in accounting and in journalism. After graduation I want to live in the heart of New York in a great apartment. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, something cozy that I can call home. I want to work as a columnist for a newspaper or online journal and write a book of my own. The book has to be something inspiring, something that will hit readers hard, something that inspires thought. While in New York I hope to meet or reunite with the girl of my dreams. I hope to marry that girl before I'm twenty-six years old. After marrying I want to move out of the city, possibly back home to Pittsburgh and settle in a suburb somewhere I can feel good sending my kids to school. I want to have at least two kids one of which hopefully being a boy. I want to be a great dad always being there for my kids encouraging them to do what makes them happy. I want them to learn and grow and become good people. After sending my kids off to college if my wife agrees I'd like to move to Hilton Head to retire. A cozy house near the beach with a fireplace to remind me of home. A house that I can feel comfortable sitting in all day just reading and writing. I want to spend time not in Hilton Head traveling the world and being there for my family every step of the way. I want to die a happy, content old man who can look back on his life without regret.

Those are the major things I hope for. But I also dream of littler things. Things like looking at my wife after being married for fifty years and being just as in love as the first day I met her. Things like seeing my kids graduate high school and listening to Cat's In the Cradle because it reminds me of my Dad and growing up. Things like teaching my grand kids how to play sports even when my methods are outdated and probably heinous. My final dream is that I'll be able to lay my head down to sleep as an old man realizing I won't wake up the next morning, and accepting it. In those final moments before I fall asleep for the last time, when my life flashes before my eyes, I hope I see the most beautiful life a person ever lived. 

"And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed this life."
-J.K. Rowling in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


NP: Cat's in the Cradle- Harry Chapin

Senior Night and a Sick Stomach

Tonight was the boy's hockey senior night and they went out and played great. I'm no hockey analyst and I'm sure my opinion of the game is much different then the players or coach's, but I thought they played inspired tonight. Everyone on the team was throwing their body around. Mo had a hat trick which was a nice addition, and I had a great time watching what is becoming my favorite sport to watch. When you're surrounded by good people, doing something you enjoy, you can feel untouchable. In a way I felt untouchable tonight. It's nights like tonight I will truly miss when I'm off at college.

The sick stomach mentioned before deals with something that hit me hard today. Walking down the hall after lunch I walked past Julie Hanczar. Julie was in a car accident last year, a horrific accident while on the way to take her SATs. She went over some black ice, lost control, and hit another car head on. She was in a coma for a while and since has had several surgeries on her legs. It's incredible the progress she has made, but today in the hall passing her in that wheelchair killed me. She seemed so frail and even scared in a way. I can't say I was a good friend of Julies because I wasn't, but anyone who knew Julie knew her as an outgoing, flamboyant girl. Seeing her relegated to that wheelchair broke my heart. It really and truly did.

In Mr. Denk's today we discussed existentialism and infinities. thinking about it there are an infinite number of things that went into Julie being in that crash that day. She had to wake up at the exact time she did, she had to eat breakfast in a certain amount of time, get dressed in a certain amount of time, get her car started, and drive on her way at a certain speed. All of these factors play into the horrific tragedy she was a part of. You can trace it back even farther if you want. It could be if she decided not to take the SATs that day, or maybe if her mom would have drove her. There really are an infinite number of things that play into any situation in life. Thinking about something this horrific happening makes me ask, "What if?" What if Julie had got up ten minutes later? What if she would've done this differently? What if the other driver left his house five minutes earlier? Five minutes later? Never went out that day? Of course hindsight is 20/20 and in reality there is nothing any of us can do about it now... I take that back. There are things we can do.

We can make sure we live our lives to the fullest, we can welcome Julie back with open arms, we can remember the good old days while creating new memories every day, and we can smile every morning because it's another day we have on Earth. 

Life is a precious thing and sadly it can take something like what happened to Julie to remind us.

Another thing tonight that made me sick to my stomach was at the hockey game. It was senior night and one by one all the boys skated across the ice to see their parents...But one player lost him mom several months ago. I can't imagine what would be going through my head skating across to my dad knowing my mom was looking down on me. I can't say I agree with some decisions this player makes in his personal life because I don't. I'll admit that. But what happened to him wasn't fair. No kid should lose a parent this young. I feel for him on that note, but I doubt he wants my sympathy.

Thinking about losing a parent and Julie being so close to death really makes me think what Mr. Denk isn't insane for what he said about infinities. They're present everywhere and you can't measure the distance between two things or two people.

The other thing that Mr. Denk mentioned today was something he read in a book. The book basically mocks what I preach. It says that you shouldn't live your life to be remembered, because in a way being remembered is leaving your scar on the world. And that instead life is about how much you observe. In my almost 18 years of life I can say I have observed a lot, probably more than most. I am a wallflower of sorts and I might subscribe to the idea of not necessarily being remembered, but taking everything in. I still want to be remembered though...maybe people will remember me for how observant I was.(happy medium)

Also, it's funny how a text from someone can make you smile. I smiled tonight.

Final thought for tonight is what I'm wearing right now. I'm rocking jeans, a thermal undershirt with a Fordham tee over it, my glasses, and a velcro Hilton hat my grandpa gave me. I feel like such a blogger. This is truly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to dress like this, sit behind a laptop, and share my ideas with the world.

NP: 100 Years- Five For Fighting

Blog 101

No this isn't a blog explaining how to blog to the rest of you blog novices, it's merely my 101st blog. I think I'm going to dedicate this blog to reflection because I need to look back on some things.

My first post came on September 26th, 2011. I can say that at that time I was a different person than I am right now. I was a man in a relationship. I was an unhappy man. I was a man that did a lot of thinking, none of which was positive. I questioned if I was enough.

Around a month later I was hurt bad. I was lied to and made to feel like nothing. Sadly I did nothing about it. I stayed put, afraid of change. You could call me a God fearing man, but after a four year relationship there was nothing scarier than being alone. Or what I thought was alone.

I waited another month before I acted. Unfortunately, it took a third time to save myself. Right before Thanksgiving I became single for the first time in over four years. I headed down to Hilton Head Island with a thousand thoughts running through my head. As I lay in the bed of my grandfather's house I wondered so much. I wondered what was ahead of me. I wondered where I would be around this time. I was scared beyond belief because for the longest time I had been sheltered away from what I was now going headfirst into.

If there was one thing that cleared my head since I started this blog it was a run I took on the beach the morning after I got to Hilton Head. I woke up way earlier than I needed to and went to the beach. I ran as hard as I could for as long as I could. I ran until I couldn't anymore and in those moments, when all I was worried about was breathing, I felt amazing. I was so worried about the next breath I was going to take that I couldn't worry about anything else that was in my head. What made it better was the fact that on my way back down the beach it started raining. It worked its way into a downpour and as it did I slowed my pace all the way until I was stopped on the beach. At that moment, I threw my arms up in the air and knew I was going to be alright. 


Since then I have been alright. I came home and found overwhelming support. I found new people and let them into my life. I worked my way through Christmas talking to a great, great girl. Things didn't work out with her which I can say I'm truly sad about, but that's just life I guess. I had a great Christmas and New Years. Spent them both with people I truly love.

Since November the thing I can point out as the biggest change in me is how much time I've spent with my friends. I love them all so much and these past three months or so have been some of the happiest times I've ever had. Being single I have had much more free time to spend with them and I can say that i love it. I love that I've become a regular fan at swim meets and at hockey games. I love that most weekends I have a sleepover with at least one of my best friends and that it doesn't matter what we're doing we have a great time.

It's now the end of February and I have no idea where i am going to college. I want to go to Fordham. I will hear back from them in about a month's time which is unnerving and comforting at the same time. I can wait for college though because I have a lot of high school left to live.  I have my senior season of baseball left to enjoy.

Soccer ended too soon and thinking back to it high school soccer was some of the best times I have ever had. We were the definition of a team and it's a group I will never, ever forget. We were, in a way, like the team that came two years before us. We have some outgoing characters and overall have great people. Our soccer team was made up of the scholars and stoners of West Allegheny High School. We also had everyone who falls somewhere in between. We were a group that had such different ideals but set aside our differences and came together. There are parts of this season I'll never forget, much like the season two years ago. I have to stop now though because thinking about soccer makes me want to cry.

Aside from baseball left ahead of me I have a senior trip to take...which is still being planned out. I also want to take the soccer team up to my cabin for a long weekend to just chill. Maybe take some other guys up like T-Will and Levi because i know they like the outdoors and T-Will and i have to go fishing together.

In a little over three months I'll be walking across the stage at graduation to shake hands with my best friend's dad. A man I have tremendous respect for and who I hope has the same respect for me. After graduation I'm going to be a mess. I can tell already. But i can promise you all that I will have one of the best blogs ever at that time. It'll be a blog for the ages. Full of wonder about what lies ahead and full of remembrance of what I have gone through these past four years. I'm still in awe that I'm a senior. I walk down the halls sometimes looking for Andy or Tony, waiting for them to call me a pussy or for Cav to walk by with some stupid grin on his face. I've had to realize that they aren't here though, and that in a way I've become them. I hope the underclassmen all know my name. I hope they know me by my turtle backpack, but I hope I'll be remembered for much more than the turtle backpack I adorned my senior year. I hope they remember me for the good I did and the words I said that hit home with them. I hope kids like Spencer Wolfe and Josh Kolarac look up to me the way I looked up to Tony, Andy, Capo, and Nick.

Come to think of it I really miss those guys. There is nothing I'd like more than to sit down with all of them and reminisce...I don't know if that'll ever happen though.

I'm ready to be done working after this week. I have a lot of friends i want to hang out with and a lot of people I want to reconnect with. I'll have my license in 3 weeks and I think that's going to open up a new dimension to me. i'll be able to go meet people and pick people up who I previously had to ask for rides. I can't wait. I know two places i am headed to for certain after I get my license. My Nan's grave and my cabin. two places i know I will be at total peace with.

Last thing. Since becoming single I have really become the person everyone turns to for advice and to share their problems with. I just want you guys to know I love being that person. I love being a part of your lives and even though sometimes it can all be too much to handle there isn't anything i'd rather do then help you.

This blog has gone on long enough but before I go I want to recall some of the things I've preached and lived by since starting this blog.

• "You came into this world the same as everyone else and you don't owe anybody anything. At the same time, don't go around expecting anything from anyone because you aren't granted or owed anything in return."
• "If you want something bad enough, fight for it."
• "Tell the people you love, that you love them. Never assume they know."
• "Be happy, make others happy, but don't ever live for anyone but yourself."
• "Put yourself out there and know that you might get hurt for it. But know that the pain of heartbreak will never hurt as bad as the pain of wondering what if?"

That's all I got tonight guys. Hope you have a great night and a great day tomorrow.

Somehow just found how to embed video links!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

(the part about getting higher than the empire state kills me, i am truly a sucker for nyc.)

The Fall, The Fight, and the Rise Back Up

The Fall is a part of life we've all experienced. A low, low place deep inside ourselves. A place we can fall too even when 95% of our life seem great. The other 5% can drag you down, down into that deep hole you feel you can't get out of. The Fall is a sickening thing because we should never have to experience it. We should never have to feel low when we have so much good in our lives. But we do anyway. We Fall into a subconscious depression where we can play it off like we're fine when really we're torn up and beaten down. The Fall can occur because of love lost, love that never fully developed, or a drive to find love in a seemingly loveless world. I've Fallen before, for all of the reasons above.

The Fight is a part of life not everybody knows. It's a part not everyone will know either. It takes a strong person to Fight back against the Fall. We can Fight for anything we want in this world. Sometimes you need to choose your battles carefully though. After a Fall we want to Fight, but sometimes for the wrong reasons. We want to get back at those we feel have wronged us. Personally I feel I have fallen victim to love not fully developing the most. For a while I accepted defeat. I brushed it off as it wasn't meant to be, and maybe it isn't, but shouldn't I still Fight? I've fought before, never with my fists, but I have fought. And I feel like if I truly want something I need to go for it. Sure chances can be slim but the greatest stories you read are ones where a slim chance was acted upon and capitalized on. I'll fight, as I've said before, until the battle has been exhausted and is no longer wanted to be fought over. What's meant to be will be and we can sit back and let life play out which is all well and good, but if I don't at least get in the ring how will I know if someone wants me to Fight or not?

The Rise Back Up is a part I'm still learning about. I'm fighting now and I'll continue to Fight. The fighting isn't an outrageous battle, it's a winnable war. A beautiful war, a truly beautiful war in my personal opinion. I'm Rising against an enemy that isn't there. The enemy really and truly is fate. Fate is a son of a bitch. But I believe in the Fight and the Rise back up so I guess I'll tempt fate.

I believe in a lot. And I started really believing again this past Christmas.

I believe in 10 main things dealing with all aspects of life. I believe in...

• Words
• My own word as well as the word of my friends.
• The power of words and their ability to move people.
• True Love
• Be it a relationships or a friendship.
• Finding that one person who shares your ideals and making them yours. 
• Beauty
• Inner beauty that comes with strong morals and character.
• Outer beauty that is merely a bonus because of the person's inner beauty.
• Family
• Putting family first.
• Protecting them at all costs.
• Happiness
• A daily choice we make.
• Being the reason someone chooses to be happy. Or Making someone smile or feel special. 
• Staying Clean
• Avoiding drugs and alcohol.
• As well as remaining clean of hate.  
• The Good
• The good in every person.
• The good in every situation.
• The Bad
• The fact that there are just not nice people in this world.
• That the bad may be bad, but hating them won't make them good. 
• Myself
• That I control my own destiny.
• That I have a bright future.
• Fighting for the other 9 Beliefs
• If I don't fight for them, then why even believe in them?

That's it for tonight. I read some incredible blogs that gave me the chills. It was incredible. I love you guys. I don't need to tell you who you are, because if you've made it this far then I love you.

NP: Samson- Regina Spektor

sleep is for the weak

Somehow the need to post another blog outweighs the need to sleep. I guess that goes along with the video about success that says you have to be willing to not sleep to be successful. I want to be successful, so sleep can wait.

I had a lengthy conversation tonight with a good friend.

Collectively we've came to realize that there are people in this works who are straight up mentally deranged. People who get pleasure out of other people's sorrow. I'll never understand it because I'd much rather make someone feel special than make them feel average and not good enough. But hey, that's just me

I've also come to realize that a lot of people really don't care what you have to say. I personally love to hear from people and hear what they're up to. I like to be informed and I genuinely care. People can be selfish pricks. And people like that are sad, sad excuses for human beings. Sure you need to put your needs first. But second, third, and fourth don't need to be you too. Make room for others.

I have room in my heart for loafs of people. In doing do I accept their hardships too and that's a challenge I will always accept. I'll never stray away from helping someone. Even if it means an hour and a half call on a school night. Whoever you are, wherever you are at, whenever you need me. Just ask. I'll be there for you.

Last thing is my emotions right now. I guess you could describe them as skewed and uncertain. But without uncertainty what kind of life would I be living? Good question really.

NP: whatever pandora's sleep station feels is best

The Grand Scheme

Today I researched blogging for my senior project and I am so excited with what I've found. There are ways to make money blogging which I knew, but somehow I can make money even on blogger! I'm gonna look into that especially since I'm hanging up the busboy apparel during baseball season. Supplemental income from my blog would really help and I'm excited to see what I can make of it.

Speaking of baseball I promised some people a shout out in a blog so here it is. Baseball this year is going to depend a lot on senior leadership. I envision 6 of the 9 starters will be seniors. I think the other 3 positions will be filled by juniors. Between Shea, Larue, and AC I think we can have a pretty solid squad. I'm not sure where exactly AC and Larue will play but I can definitely see them cracking the starting lineup. They'll have to put in work, but if they're willing to bust their asses we can put together a winning team. I just hope they know it won't come easy.

I've just been feeling inspired today for many reasons.

Reason 1:
I had an awesome night last night with my friends. We sat in my basement and talked about serial killers and Columbine for a long time and we went to McDonald's and ate at like 2 a.m. We come up with the most absurd scenarios for things and I love it.

Reason 2:
I'm really realizing what's worth fighting for. Today I was basically told to stop fighting. I'm okay with that because it had consumed so much of my being that I couldn't focus on other things that needed my attention. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I will always fight for what I believe in, but the day that what I believe in or want no longer wants me to fight...that's the day I'll hang up the gloves.

Reason 3:
People around me are starting to realize what they deserve. Someone I care about a lot made a decision last night to get out of a situation that was potentially going to hurt them later on. They realized that the person they were talking to hadn't changed at all and was still the same dishonest, not nice person as months before.

While I have those reasons and many more I have a rant I need to go one right now so here goes.

This world is full of people. Good people, bad people, misunderstood people. Pretty people, ugly people, and average looking people. I will never judge a person on how they look. I will judge them based on their actions. Even through actions our judgement may be skewed, and until we truly know someone's story we can't begin to fully understand them. I blogged days ago about a twitter fight with an aspiring rapper. I said mean things as did he and neither of us really know the other. Sure it happens all the time, the name calling, the shit talking. But in the end he and I aren't that different. We both have lofty dreams and aspirations and we're both working on achieving them. Sure right now I don't like his music, but hopefully one day I can put on my headphones listen to a song of his and know that I was the motivation he needed to keep going. And I hope one day he can walk into a Barnes and Noble and buy a book, see my name on the front cover and have a little laugh at the petty fight we had some years back.

The other thing that has been bugging me is how easily people throw things away. The same person I mentioned before was seemingly thrown away. They were thrown away by a person who didn't realize what they had in front of them. People can be so blind to what they have standing in front of them that it makes me sick. I know I'd never throw something like that away.

Another thought for you all. How can some people be so mentally deranged that they find pleasure in making others feel worthless. What satisfaction comes along with that? Especially when you're putting someone down who you have already wronged and who shouldn't even be giving you a second chance. By definition that person is insane for thinking that doing the same thing over and over again will result in something different. Call it naive or call it stupid, it is what it is. People like to have faith in other people. There's no shame in that. No shame at all.

The real shame is when you're given a second chance and you don't take advantage of it. If someone puts their heart out there for you and gives you the key you have the option to take it and use it properly. To show that person how much they mean to you and that they're the one for you. Or you can take they key and toy with the lock. You can emotionally drain the person and degrade them to feel like they weren't enough. When someone hands you the key, use it the right way.

Final thing i swear.

Don't ever be somebody's back up plan. Waiting for someone to make you their priority is a terrible terrible thing to do. If you aren't their first choice, move along until you find someone who has you as their priority. Patience may be a virtue, but settling for being someones fallback is anything but virtuous. Be someone's priority today. 


NP: If It Means a Lot to You- ADTR

Want

Today I haven't been feeling quite myself and I apologize to anyone affected by that. Especially my best friends who can tell that there was something wrong. I've realized what the problem is though. The overwhelming problem is the need to be wanted.

More than anything else I want to be wanted. It's a feeling I haven't felt in 8 months. I'm great friends with several girls, but that's all I ever seem to become. I have a horrible tendency to get caught up in the friend zone. I can't discount how much my friends mean to me because they mean the world to be, but there is something about human nature where a person wants to be wanted as more than that. That's where I'm at right now. People say you don't need a girlfriend or boyfriend and I agree, but there is something about being wanted as more than a friend I think we all seek.

Anytime I start talking to anyone I think it's going great and it ends up losing steam and I'm in the friend zone once again.

Ty has a girl who wants him in his life now and the change in him is incredible. He seems more confident and just happier. I love seeing it in him and I can honestly say I miss that feeling. Jared is in the midst of something similar to Ty and he seems to be extremely happy with what he has. I'm happy for both of them.

I just want to feel wanted again. But for now I'll be alright.

NP: Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

Food For Thought

I'm having a tough time thinking of anything to give you guys right now. It pains me not to have a great blog since I missed yesterdays, but I'll try and make the most of the little bit that's running through my head.

Today I am feeling extremely indifferent and indecisive. I had the chance to cover someone's shift at work today and make some good money but I passed it up. I passed it up in hopes of something better coming along. All I know is if I sit in this house all damn day and don't do anything I'll be mad that I didn't go to work.

The thing is that I hate making plans and I hate asking people if they want to hang out. Mainly because I feel like a burden of some sort. I had gone for so long, more than four years, hanging out with a few friends and one girl. Now when it comes to girls I find myself apprehensive. I'm afraid of not knowing where I stand with certain people and that's why I avoid setting up the plans. I'm more open to hanging out with my guy friends and I've been hanging out with a more diverse group. I have my core group of friends, but whenever someone else asks me if I want to hang out I rarely say no.

Because of this newfound freedom and acceptance of friends I previously rejected I have found myself in some... let's call it "new" situations. I've been around underage drinking. I've been in a car while someone nexted to me smoked marijuana. And I've even been a part of breaking five grams down into two.

To some, these things sound like child's play but to me they are new, real experiences. I'm not afraid of these things though. I see myself as a sort of hybrid. I don't dabble in the petty activities like drinking or smoking yet I can still be around those who do. If there is one thing I will always do it is stick to my guns. When I make up my mind about something I am steadfast in staying true to it. I told myself many years ago I would never smoke and never drink. Some time ago I looked back on that and thought, "That was just a naive eighth grader who thought he would do no wrong." But right now I can still say I don't think I will ever smoke or drink. I have had so many opportunities to do so, and I will have even more soon enough. The thought of senior trip is exciting to me, but not for the same reasons as most other people.

So many people in my class want to go on senior trip to see how shitfaced they can get. Senior trip to them is a chance to get away from mommy and daddy and get drunk. Basically it's like the pathetic parties they have back at home except it's miles away and is a week long. I don't think I will drink on senior trip. I'm sure to some that is just unheard of. There is no part of me that ever wants to drink though. Some say drinking is a social stimulant, but I think I'm stimulating enough without alcohol that drinking will only inhibit me.

My main thing about drinking is how you are in an altered state. You still have control over yourself but I hate the idea of not being 100% behind every decision I make.

I just don't think I will ever drink. Maybe someday when I'm old and can afford to start a wine collection I'll drink at family get togethers and at formal events, but until then I'm staying clean.

I'm going to head over to Graz's which is much better than going to work, so there we go. Deciding not to work was a good decision after all! I'm sure Graz and I will have some good talks about the women in our lives. I think Graz has a good thing going with this one girl(knock on wood) I hope it works out. As for me and my ladies...well, what ladies? I have none. And at the same time i do. I have my mom and sister, I have my prom date, I have my two best friends, and I have the girls who fawn over me and secretly want me to be theirs. (Okay so that last one was a bit dramatized, sue me.)

NP: Princess of China- Coldplay

Daily Doze Nearing 100

I believe this is my 95th post which means 100 is right around the corner and tonight at work I had a lot of ideas thrown my way. I will lay them out for you all right now.

The first of two major topics is being weird. I have come to acknowledge and accept that I am a strange individual. I don't think my find functions the same as other peoples. The things I think are better left as thoughts and not expressed publicly. Some are extremely irrational while others are probably immoral and even illegal. The mind is a wonderful thing because it allows you to think so many things and you never have to act on them unless you want to. Obviously acting on those irrational, illegal, immoral thoughts is not in my best interest so I refrain from doing so.

In psychology we are studying dreams and such and I find it interesting. I really could care less what goes into a dream or what the things in our dreams symbolize. I just like to dream. I love waking up from a nightmare and telling myself I wasn't scared all the while reassuring myself that I was okay and it wasn't real. At the same time we've all had those dreams where you wake up and are like, "Damn. That would've been nice if it was real." I always talk about trying to fulfill your dreams and I mean that. I think that dreams we fulfill are much different from the dreams we have at night. Dreams that I have at night are often better left as only a dream. But my dreams in the waking life will be reached. I want to be memorable. Keep the money and the fame. I just want my great grand kids to look back and say that I did something special. That I made a difference.

My second topic for the night is taking care of people who can't take care of themselves. I used to want to go into the FBI and track down serial killers and kidnappers. I still have that as a potential career, along with 100 others. There is just something about sticking up for someone else that intrigues me. Tonight at work Chelsea talked about how she had been stalked several months ago and how the same man followed her around 5 or 6 times. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking what could happen to Chelsea and what has happened to girls just like her. Not to sound weird but I hope I get put in a situation sometime in my life where I see someone in trouble and I get the chance to help them out. That's a scenario I've played out in my head a hundred times. I told myself that if anyone ever came into work with a knife and even got close to a waitress or hostess that would be the end of it. I would go nuts. I have never been in a fight in my life, but if someone wants to target an innocent girl, that's my breaking point. I think in that moment I would potentially kill the person. It's scary to say, but it's the truth.

A couple weeks ago on the way to work my dad told me not to try and be a hero if somebody came in to rob the restaurant. I agreed if and only if the person had a gun. A gun I can't do anything about, but a knife I think I could handle. The restaurant doesn't have the optimal weapons to fight back with, but a broken beer bottle or a knife of my own should work. After all they call me Clark Kent, so to stand by and watch something bad happen would be me letting down everyone I work with.

Aside from sticking up for any girl who needs it I would do anything in the world for my family. I don't take on the role of overprotective brother because I want Jenny to live her own life. I want her to make her own mistakes and learn from them. I can't keep her sheltered from the evils of this world so she has to go and fight those evils on her own. But when the time comes and she needs me, I'll be there. Whenever she finds herself in a tough situation I'll come running to bail her out. I'd fight for my sister and I wouldn't doubt that happening sometime in the future. Jen is a feisty little shit and she isn't afraid to tell a guy to go f himself. I just pray that no man is ever stupid enough to lay a finger on her because if he does and I don't kill him, my dad will. Jenny is a daddy's girl and my dad would do some serious damage to anyone who hurt my sister.

Hope you enjoyed that read.

NP: Miserable At Best- Mayday Parade

In The Morning

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna wake up and head down the South Side with Frankowski to do some shopping. I doubt I'll buy anything unless something really catches my eye. I'm still saving money for some reason even though I have a thousand dollars saved up for senior trip which should be more than enough. I feel obligated to save most of the money I make so that I can use it at college next year.

Today was a chill day in case you were wondering. School seemed to fly by and after school I went to Starbucks and had a long heart to heart. I tried helping the person who took me with what is going on in their life. They have some tough decisions to make and no decision is a clear cut better one. This person is afraid of losing people's respect if they were to make a decision deemed wrong by the rest of the school. I tried offering my insight, and I'm not sure I really helped at all, but I like to think I did in some way. Even if it was only in the sense of comic relief. I didn't just listen though, I did a lot of talking myself. I spilled out what's been going on in my life to this person and it was nice to have someone really listening to me for once. Sometimes I feel like the people who ask me what's wrong don't actually listen to the words I'm saying, they just want to intervene with a story of their own to one up my sorrow. I seem to be the first person people turn to when they want to complain or want advice, but I feel like it is never reciprocated. Today wasn't like that at all. I was actually listened to for once, and I wasn't judged at all. It was a good time, and a time I won't take for granted....I also learned today that a Starbucks cup can serve many different purposes including showing the effects of AIDS.

From Starbucks I came home and zonked out for an hour before I got up to go watch the swim meet. The meet was actually semi-close which was a change and I really got into it. I was screaming like a banshee for all my friends. The team won and we went out to eat at Cadillac Ranch afterwards which was a genuinely good time.

I'm very content/happy with life right now. Content in a sense that I like where I'm at, but i don't want content to come across like I'm settling for being content. I am happy too. I'm sure there are certain things that could be going differently that would make me happier, but I cannot complain.

One thing that still eats me up is that I just want a chance. A real chance. A chance to prove myself. But life doesn't always give you that chance and sometimes you have to know what you could have been. In another life I could've been a been a division 1 kicker. But what I want is a lot more simplistic than that, I just want one day. One day to show you what I can be. Then again, maybe I don't deserve that chance. Or maybe, you're afraid to give me that chance because I might just be what you'e looking for. This applies to anyone and everyone who really doesn't know me. Who doesn't fully comprehend who I am and what I can be. I guess in a way it's for those who doubt me. I just want to prove you all wrong.

NP: You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift

Blogs

I love blogging and it really has become a big part of my life. I do it religiously, and like most religious people sometimes they miss a day. I try to make up for the days I miss by blogging about something I feel is a deep topic.

What's cool to see is other people around me blogging more. Some of my best friends blog now and I know that they read mine daily. I check their blogs every time I'm on the computer just to be sure I didn't miss anything. My closest friends have blogs here on blogspot, but there are three blogs I check every day on tumblr. They are the blogs of three best friends. The three aren't regular bloggers but I still check everyday to be sure I'm up to date. I like seeing how they're doing and making sure they're alright. They might not be my best friends, but I like to think I can still watch out for them. And one of them is becoming more of a regular, hopefully she keeps it up.

Other than blogging today I got into my first twitter fight. It was exhilarating. It was with a 21 year old low life wannabe rapper. I tweeted first about his shitty mixtape. He proceeded to indirectly tweet about having sex with my mom and about buying me a razor for my "unibrow". Obviously he doesn't know that you don't shave a unibrow because it grows back heavier. Also I have no problem with my bushy eye brows. They're a distinguishing characteristic of mine. I responded by indirectly tweeting that he could spare me a razor and instead worry about getting himself a degree. He then tweeted at me and said that I didn't know his life and all this crap about how he has his stuff together and he is going to school and how his career hasn't even started yet. The last part is an understatement because nobody listens to the garbage he calls music.

I'm not sure why I went at him in the first place. I'm usually pretty non-confrontational. I've just been in a mood to get into a fight recently. I have pent up anger towards a bunch of different guys and I can't seem to release it. No matter what I try it's there. The anger towards these guys is mostly because they treat girls like crap. I hate a guy who doesn't respect a girl. It's just disgusting. Also, I've just been in the mood to stick up for what I believe in and that's something I believe strongly in.

I tweeted at the young rapper saying I didn't claim to know him and that, to be honest I didn't want to get to know him.

But now I have to go to baseball...yay? Haha oh well tomorrow is the last day of the week and I have a Starbucks date and a senior night swim meet to attend. Should be a great day.

NP: Titanium- David Guetta ft. Sia

Happy Valentine's Day Everybody

My blog earlier talked about how crappy my day was going and how I needed to focus on the good. I've done that for the past seven hours and I feel great.

I blogged earlier about questionable decision by someone, and that person happened to text me about it. We talked on the phone for half an hour and I've come to a conclusion. Love and lust really are blind. You can't tell yourself to like or not to like somebody. I support this person 100% in whatever they do and I'm making it a point of mine to watch over them through this process. In a way I feel like a big brother, which is okay with me. I want to keep this person in my life and if that's the role I need to play for that to happen, then so be it. It's all about perspective.

Other than that we had an indoor game and I played goalie. I did pretty well for not playing in a month or so but we lost 4 to 3. At the end I had a chance to score and got taken down from behind and Kevy Vock's grandpa didn't give us the call. Needless to say Bob and I let the man hear that he messed up. We used some very eloquent words and I think we got our point across. Amanda and Ashley came to support the indoor team which was cool to see. Hopefully it was about as boring as their swim meets, but I doubt it was... Come to think of it at one point in the game a kid shot a ball off of my chest intentionally and I caught it and screamed, "I'm just too damn big. How did I get so cut." Needless to say playing soccer brings out a weird side of me. Especially indoor soccer.

I went out to eat after the indoor game with my amigo and a chica and we had a good time. I ate way too many grilled stickies, but I'm good. No bellyache at all.

All the while tonight I texted someone about life, relationships, making people happy, blogs, and .......  A lot of stuff I have strong opinions on.

And here I am telling all of this to you. My beloved blog. And my beloved readers. I love you all more than you know, and even those readers I don't know, I love you too.

Today was a great day really. Happy with where I'm at.

NP: Three Cheers For Five Years- Mayday Parade

Attempt

I am attempting to blog while riding a bike in the cardio room. Seems like the definition of killing two birds with one stone. We'll see how this goes...

Today, obviously, was Valentine's Day. And I didn't have a "valentine" for the first time in 4 years. I didn't realize that until just now. But in reality I did. My mom and my sister are my valentines. I love those two so much, and it doesn't have to be February 14th for me to tell them that.

I had a lot of mixed emotions today. I felt good all day until I got to 7th period. That gay movie we watched gave me 40 minutes to think. I did a ton of thinking that period and for the rest of the day.

The first thing I thought about was a "valentine." I love the idea of being someone's valentine and being the sole reason they're happy. I like seeing people happy, but I hate when I want to be the reason they're happy and I'm not. Something about feeling inferior just rubs me the wrong way. Basically I spent all of 7th period feeling inferior, lost, and confused.

8th period I felt totally different. In between periods I read something that made me think about something else...about going back. Back to the way things used to be. But I realized that isn't what I want at all right now. What I want is to live my life to its fullest on my own terms. Sure there are days I miss having someone who was all mine but most days I love this single lifestyle. I guess what I really miss is the security. At the same time I like the spontaneity that I can live with now. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

That same period I got to give my speech for public speaking. It was about my cabin and how it has changed over the years but has always been a part of my life. In the younger years it represented family values, my teen years it was a burden and an obligation, and now it represents something unattainable. I feel like my speech was well received. Everyone's face was blank after I finished and I think that's the way I wanted them to be. I think it shocked them. It felt good and I felt confident for all 2 minutes I was up there.

9th period my mind was onto something else. Going back again, but this time going back on your word. A couple months ago I was told by someone that they would never go back to a certain someone. Low and behold today they seemed to go back on their word. I don't know for sure if they did because I don't know the whole story but word on the street is they went back...which is sad to see.

At the same time that story represents something else. Giving things away prematurely. Whether its a belonging of yours or a loved one's. Whether its a necklace or your heart. I guess that some people can just give things away and not think twice about it. I have put my heart out there prematurely and I've let myself get hurt. But all along I've had good intentions. I question some people's actions...and intentions. But it's whatever.

Now I'm here looking back on my day and I realize I dwelled on the bad way too much today. I almost forgot that I was a true gym class hero today with 17 points in handball which is unheard of. I was an all-star, even if only in my eyes. Mr. Marshall talked about dwelling on the bad and missing out on the good in class today. Ironic, right? It's something we all do and need to do less. Myself included. Looking back today was definitely an off day. But I'll regroup tonight at the indoor game and I'll be fine...I always am.

Happy V-Day everyone. Don't forget to tell your parents you love them because when it comes down to it they're the ones who deserve to hear it the most, not some superficial "valentine." The people who check to make sure you're okay when you seem down, those are the real valentines.

NP: Jamie All Over- Mayday Parade

20 Minutes To Go

I have 20 minutes until my dad picks me up for baseball so what better time to blog? I won't bore you all with the details of today I'll just say it was another good day. Nothing to complain about, in fact I got some Econ done at home!

But the talk for tonight is about death. I thought about death for the first time in a long time two days ago...

To me death is a strange, very distant idea. I'm not scared of death, but I'm curious about it. I have no reason to be scared because I've lived my life to the fullest but I still wonder what dying will be like. I wonder if I'll get the chance to look back and examine my life, I wonder if there is a heaven, but more than either of that I wonder if I'll accept death. I don't ever want to be afraid of death. I always claim I'm not afraid of anything, aside from snakes and spiders that is.

Death seems so far away to me, but how do I know when I'm going to die? I can't. That just isn't how it works. Those aren't the rules. I like to think that there is a heaven or some kind of great beyond where I'll get to see my Nan again. I'd love the chance to talk to her just once, to see what she thought of me. I hope that until the day I die I live life regret free and happily.

I want to live a long prosperous life, maybe to the age of like 90? I want to be able to move around still and have my mind though. They say all you have in this world is your word, and when my word becomes lost and isn't really my word I don't want to stick around much longer. More than age I want to get the most out of my years. I want to retire as young as possible and travel the world with my wife. I want to have a beach house like my grandfather and be able to bring my family down whenever they want. I want to golf a ton and I want to read a gajillion books. I want to be an extremely cultured, intellectual old man. One who inspires his kids and grand kids to be the best they can. Basically I want to end up a lot like my Pap.

I'm not afraid of death at all, it's this living thing that's scary.

Just playing, life isn't scary at all. Life is good.

Valentines day tomorrow and still no date. Not complaining though. I just like the idea of being someone's valentine and taking them out to eat. The offer is still on the table though. Anybody can accept because this is an open invitation...except you Levi. You can't accept it. Only because you already have a valentine. Make her feel special kid, because every girl deserves that. Every. Last. One.

NP: Fine By Me- Andy Grammer

Did you miss me?

Yesterday, that is, because I missed you. I had work yesterday from 1-5 then went home and hung out with my best friends. We watched Hall Pass which is one of the funniest movies I've seen recently, and it might even rank up there with the likes of Dodgeball and Anchorman. 

Last night after we all hung out Dave and Ty slept over which was a good time like always. We never really do anything at out sleepovers, but that's why I like them so much. We just sat around my room and talked the night away while I played some GTA 4. (Reminds me of my days playing it with T-Will at his house.) Other than that we ate and just talked. Mostly about girls which is usually interesting. We get three distinct point of views. Ty's view is usually one extreme comment after another, usually leading to someone having to step in and call him by his real name, "The Despicable One." Dave has a very mild, conservative view and probably has the most level head of the three of us. I guess i fall somewhere in between. I like to think that I possess some deep knowledge and understanding of girls. But I'm as lost as any other sappy lover. 

Today was, for lack of better terms, a bomb ass day. We woke up at my house and headed over to Dave's while Ty went to church. Then after Ty got back the three of us went to Bahama Breeze for lunch which was nice. We discussed some pressing issues in our lives over a seafood lunch. Then we ran to the mall for a little while and Ty and I both bought a scarf. I needed a red one and Ty needed one since he was a scarf virgin. 

From the mall I went to dinner with Pap, Joyce, Mom, and Dad at Ciao! What a great dinner it was. Not just the food, which was great, but the conversation. It turns out that my grandma, Joyce, went to college with and lived in a dorm across from Mimi Alford. Most of you don't know who Mimi Alford was. She was an intern at the White House who had an affair with President John F Kennedy. I don't know about you guys, but to me it was a really cool thing to hear. I'm a sucker for history and to hear that JFK has a limo pick up a girl from college where my grandmother was at is mind boggling. The limo had to have pulled up within a hundred yards of Joyce. The two went to Wheaton College in Massachusetts and while Joyce and Mimi weren't exactly friends, Joyce knew her and they graduated together. 

As if that wasn't enough for a small world while we were leaving Pap stopped to talk to the owner of the restaurant. Pap asked him what part of Italy he was from Calibria, the same place my grandfather's dad came from. The owner asked my grandpa's last name and when he said Spagno, the man nearly jumped. His last name was Spagna and said it had been changed on the boat ride over. After discussing this for another minute or so they realized that their grandparents had come over on the same boat to America. My grandpa said he would come back soon so the two could talk about it. Somehow they might be related. Small world? 


We headed home from dinner and lucky me I got to go right to baseball. Baseball was good though. We hit off of live pitching and it seemed to run smoothly and seemed to be productive. Maybe things will shape up after all...


The biggest thing about this weekend was how chill I was the whole time. I had a great weekend. I laughed a lot, I worked hard, and I tried hard every day to be happy. And it worked. I made myself happy, which honestly is 100 times more important than trying to make other people happy. My new theory is that if you force yourself to be happy, then other people's happiness will be born out of yours. If you walk around with a smile then others will smile, obviously this is true because smiles are contagious. But seriously, try it.Wake up and think about how great a day you're going to have. be happy because if nothing else you lived to see another day. My thing is that if something or someone makes you happy, you put them in your life. If you have something in your life that is keeping them out and the thing in your life doesn't make you as happy as the other thing, then you need to make some changes. Life is too short to wait around forever. I'm a patient man, but patience runs thin sometimes. 


If you want me in your life show me and if you don't, then let me walk on by. 

If you aren't as happy as you can be, then you're settling for less than you deserve. 

NP: Come Home- OneRepublic

Amanda

Somehow in my drunken stupor last night I forgot to wish my other BFF Amanda good luck today!!! GOOD LUCK AMANDA! (that drunken stupor aforementioned isn't real either, just to clarify.)

Missed My Friends Tonight

Worked again tonight, but it wasn't bad. I love the people I work with and they make the time go by faster. I should make decent money on what was a pretty busy night. I work tomorrow 1-5 but I'm not dreading it at all. 1-5 is relaxing and even though I don't make much money I like the shift. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with my friends tomorrow night and Sunday because I missed them tonight.

Tonight at work I realized something. It feels good seeing other people happy. Jen was so happy and it really just wears off. Jenna and Chelsea are both always super bubbly and hysterical but it was nice to see Jen was truly happy. It feels good seeing other people feel good. Not that I'm not happy, but it makes me even happier seeing those around me happy. Nothing compares to being the reason someone else is happy though, that's the best feeling in the world and it's a feeling I long for daily.

Mrs. Mangan and Ms. Zang came in to eat and I had a nice five minute talk with them about what I'm doing next year. It's hard to believe how fast time goes by. I remember back to those fifth grade days like they were yesterday. I remember Josh Coury was an avid Wake Forest fan and that I always got to go out in the hall to read because some other kids and I were advanced. I still remember the book too. It was The Other Side of the Mountain which was the sequel to My Side of the Mountain. My side was much better but I remember them both well.

Today in public speaking T-Will and I talked about how bad we want to go to Alaska. I think that would be a chill trip. Go fishing and hiking and stuff. Idk, might not get there soon but hopefully in time I will.

I just realized tonight that Valentine's day is Tuesday! How great! Naht. But seriously, its a cool day if you have a date for it. I do not have a date as of now, but if any of you lovely lady female readers would like to be my valentine this is your formal invitation. Hahaha how romantic right? Anyway I think I'm going to hang with Moose tonight and I haven't done that in a long while so it should be a blast. Night world.

Also a good luck shout out to my best friend,Ashley Marie Niznik, for tomorrow at MACs!

NP: Hometown Glory- Adele

Aye Aye Aye

These past few days have been a headache for various reasons and I've been feeling drained. Mentally, physically, and most of all emotionally. I think part of the stress is that I have work tonight, tomorrow night, and Saturday from 1 to 5. More than that it's just work in general. My weekly schedule has gone as follows.

Sunday- Baseball 8-10:30 at night
Monday- School, Drivers ed 7-9, Baseball 9-10:30
Tuesday-School, Work(On call) 5-?? Usually until 10.
Wednesday-Repeat Monday
Thursday- School and then possibly work(Like tonight)
Friday- School and then possibly work 5-close
Saturday-Work either 1-5 or 5-close

Sure, maybe there are some of you with busier schedules, but to me that's hectic. I also am supposed to fit homework in there somewhere.

In addition to the busy schedule I'm fretting senior trip planning. I don't know what I'm going to do for it. I want to be able to go and use my grandpa's house in Hilton Head but I don't think he will let me.

Done complaining though. My life is good. I forgot to mention this last night, but I am ready for baseball.

Unfortunately, I feel like I'm one of the only ones. Trevor and I both want this season to be a memorable one, but we see how many kids (even seniors) would rather just screw around. It's sad really because this could be our year to make a run at it. I hope certain kids get their heads on straight and realize the opportunity at hand. I know that when the season rolls around I'll be out in the outfield chasing down fly balls and I won't be the one to let the team down.

Despite being drained I have been pretty cheery as of late. I find myself dancing around and singing to myself... Sounds weird, but I like it. I also like that I have so many people in my life to turn too. My friends, as I have mentioned before, are the best. Simply the best. Not just my guy friends though. Amanda and Ashley are great, great friends. I love them both dearly. I talk to Ashley every day and never get bored doing so. She knows more about me than most people do. She's truly one of the best friends I have and I haven't even known her that long.

I'm super excited for college. I'm excited to be in New York or Philly and I'm excited to visit everyone at their respective colleges. Between Ashley and Ty I'm going to see a lot of the most boring state in the country. Ohio. What a gay state, seriously. hate it. But I'll suck it up for those guys. I plan on being an avid Zip swimming and Musketeer soccer fan. I'll come home and visit Davey and Draino down in Oakland. Maybe stay with my Grandpa and just chill in Oakland. I'll go visit Schweins wherever the heck he ends up and same goes for Amanda...hopefully she ends up somewhere really warm so I can escape the north.

Overall I'm really content with my life. The people in it are the ones who have showed they want to be there, and the people not in it, well I don't need them. I love the life I lead, and no matter who you are you should love your life too.

NP: Count On Me- Bruno Mars

My Best Friend

I can say without a doubt that my best friend on this earth is Tyler Graziani.

But I worry about him sometimes. 

He consults me daily on his life and I have no problem with it. I like that he does. Truly. It takes its toll on my emotional and mental state, sure, but I wouldn't want him to go to anyone else. 

Today he told me something totally irrational though. He told me that a year from now I'd be in New York, him in Cincinnati and that I'd be searching for a new best friend to replace him. That really, really stung. He honestly couldn't be farther from the truth. Sure, I'll be in New York and he in Cinci, but I'll be damned if i would ever try and replace him. 

It just wouldn't be possible. 

The kid has so much in common with me. We make the same horribly crude jokes, he usually taking it a step farther than I. But nonetheless we're so damn similar. (Somehow he came out with more soccer skill even though I was quite the stud back in our Argenta days.) Other than the horrible joking we do, we love the same things. We both love soccer and action movies. We both love history and even reading can make it onto our list of things we both like. (He won't tell you, but he has several books on his nightstand that he reads.) 

Just looking at one of the stupid expressions he can make with his face can brighten my day. That or getting a text from him with some sort of Emoji sexual innuendo will do the trick.

But the thing is, I'm not the only one who cares about him. Our best friends all love him to death too. They all don't know how to deal with him like I do, but that's just because I'm with him everyday and I have taken on the role of psychiatrist. It's not just his friends though. He has a loving, loving family. Two younger brothers who I know look up to him in so many ways. And two parents who couldn't be more proud of their oldest son. 

In summation Ty has so much going for him, yet he likes to dwell on the bad in his life.

He's had some experiences in the past he regrets, he says he wishes he could go back and fix them, but he can't. That just isn't going to happen. He's made mistakes with girls. But haven't we all? Yes, we have. And I can tell you from first hand experience Ty, life goes on. Some things in life just don't pan out the way we want them too.

You have a support staff greater than you know behind you my man. You have a family at home and a family with your friends. 

I promise you I'm not going to go away and forget about you. Quite the opposite. I'm going to want a detailed analysis of your days. Because to be honest, today I looked at my phone before you texted me, saw that it had been two days since you last texted me, and I felt sad. I was sad that you hadn't texted me in two days. Sure I could text you first, but it's kinda your job to text me first beb. 

There are days where I want to punch you, there are days I want to stab you right in the throat, and there are days I want to stomp on your balls. But all the other days; I want you right by my side buddy. Nobody else. You. 

I hope this helps you out Ty. Because there is so much more to life than a girl, or girls in general. Like I told you earlier today. Life is made up of 100,000,000 little things, they're all little things. Some may feel bigger and some are bigger. But I can tell you that the one thing you're worried about... it's a little thing my man. Right now it doesn't seem that way, and right now you want to think that it's all your fault. But it isn't. God works in mysterious ways my friend. I know you said you're questioning if there is a God or not but trust me there is. He gave me you as a friend, and I have to believe that wasn't a coincidence. Maybe we need to get back down to St. Columbkille with Nacho and Z Graz? I think so. 

Just open your eyes and your heart my man. Explore other opportunities. This is high school, we have less than a half a year left. Look into those who are looking into you. If someone shows you how bad they want to be a part of your life, then maybe they deserve a chance...just maybe. Give it a shot and see. Like our favorite teacher Mr. Marshall says. "You need to listen better." Please listen to me this once, if only once. I love you dude. I always will. You'll always be my best friend, and if something happened to you I don't know what I'd do with myself. Let your friends help you and let yourself be happy. You are a great person. 

You have your flaws. You can be selfish from time to time, you can be irrational, you can be too emotional, you can say some shallow shit, but at the end of the day your biggest flaw is that you're keeping yourself from being happy. You have so much to be happy about, and you have a hell of a life ahead of you. You just need to open up, let the good in, and push the negative stuff away. 

Now stop with all these negative tweets and sad text messages to me and Ashley. Be happy my man. For Andy Fleming's sake!! You're a great guy and everybody knows that. You don't owe anybody any apologies because you have said all you need. What it comes down to is you have an overwhelming need to love. And you love with a force that is greater than most people can even think of. Your passion is unrivaled. You just need to control it. You need to be humble and love accordingly. You know I'll always love you my man, always. 

I hope this has saved you. Because I need you, and a hell of a lot of other people do too. 

NP: How to Save a Life- The Fray

Tuesday

Sorry for no blog last night guys I was wiped out after baseball. Probably had something to do with the sleep I got the night before on the megabus...if you can call it sleep.

But Monday wasn't too bad except I was really stuffy and just had the aches all day. Today started off better, I got my necessary 6 hours of sleep and I felt rejuvenated. The day was pretty average except for English where I got to eat cake! That was a bonus. I was talking to Emily and told her, "You can't have your cake and eat it to," but evidently I was wrong...because we both had the cake and ate it too.

That's the topic for tonight. No, not cake. Having the best of both worlds. I sometimes want what I can't have. (if you refer to earlier blogs you will see my stance on that topic) But in reality somethings in life serve one purpose. And yes, what's meant to be will be. I catch myself expecting too much sometimes. Out of friends, family, and on occasion myself.

I put people that I respect on a pedestal and I feel let down when they don't reach my expectations. But I guess that's better than not expecting anything?

Back to the topic at hand though. Some people come into your life to help you overcome something. That is their sole purpose. And when you expect more than that you end up feeling let down. Other people in life are meant to be there full time. You can just feel it sometimes. That one person who truly belongs in your life. Whether its as a friend or more than that only time can tell. But when you feel like someone special walks into your life, do everything you can to keep them there.

The literal meaning behind having cake and eating it to stems to the idea that once you eat your cake you no longer possess it. What a dumb meaning. Obviously that's true, that's why you make sure you have cake to sustain yourself. That way you can continually eat it and still possess some cake.

Sorry thy was a bit random. But for real now. The main point I'm trying to drive home is that you need to figure out what someone really means to you. Find out what purpose they serve in your life and embrace it. Accept that not every girl you befriend will fall in love with you. Accept that not every guy you meet will be your best friend. But when find those guys who are your best friends, and you find the girl who loves you. Keep them close to you. Never let them go. And as I always say, fight for them.

"I will follow you to the ends of the world."
A great quote from what turned out to be a good book. But still my favorite quote from 1000 Splendid Suns has to be when Tariq tells Laila. "I'm not afraid of him, you know." I love that Tariq would fight for Laila. Laila had been forced to settle for less than she deserved and Tariq was willing to fight for her because he truly loved her. Real chivalry right there. I'd do it too though. If the opportunity arose.

NP: Over My Dead Body- Drake