Good Morning

Well I went through with it. I woke myself up at 6:45 to go to church. Graz and I met for 7:30 mass at St. Columbkille. There are always things I agree with and disagree with about the Catholic church. I only respond to certain refrains at church. I refuse to say anything I don't wholeheartedly believe. I'm not totally against church I just question some aspects of it. Going to church is nice because it helps me maintain some sense of spirituality. I believe in what I believe, but the church is a place to go where other people worship as well. It's a safe haven of sorts I guess.

After church I went to the cemetery to see my Nan's grave. Walking around the cemetery at 8:30 in the morning all alone was quite an experience. My mind was racing as I walked around looking for her grave. The first thing I noticed about the cemetery was the smell of roses. It brought me comfort because Nan loved roses. Pap and Nan's old house on Herbst Road always smelled of roses because Nan grew them. The thing that hurt the most about my trip was how long it took me to find her grave. Granted I haven't been there in five years or so, but I felt like I was letting her down by forgetting where she was. I found it after about a half an hour of searching and from there my emotions got the best of me. I can't lie, I cried. Not because I was sad but because I was upset it had been so long.

In ten year's time I have grown a lot. From second grade to senior year I am much more developed and complex. Nan saw me graduate kindergarten a naive young boy...but she won't be there to hug me after I graduate from high school a thoughtful young man. She will never meet my wife and she won't have the chance to be a great grandmother. I realize that once someone is dead they're still "with" us, but it would be nice to have her there in body to hug and thank.

I had forgot that Pap plans on being buried next to Nan when he dies. It already has his name next to hers on the gravestone just waiting for the time he passes. Seeing his name there brought about conflicting emotions. It made me happy to see that he was going to be back with his true love, his first love. At the same time it scared me because I often think of Pap as an immortal man. I sometimes take him for granted and seeing his name on that gravestone was an ominous reminder that eventually life does end. That makes me want to spend as much time with his as possible. Life is a fragile thing, and Pap is becoming a frail old man which means I need to make the most of the time I have with him.

The last thing I noticed before I left was something small, something almost insignificant. On Nan's side of the grave there was barely any grass growing. Instead the ground was sprouting little clovers all over. Nan was Irish through and through and seeing those clovers all around her made me chuckle.

I've decided the next time I go to visit her grave (which will hopefully be next weekend) I'm taking her some roses. I'm also going to get myself a hot chocolate or coffee and sit there and talk to her. This first trip I cried and talked, not about my life or how I was doing but about how I missed her. I feel like I got that out of the way and now when I return I can sit there and enjoy her company. I can enjoy the little things like drinking a coffee and talking about life with someone you really love. Even if she isn't there to talk back I'm sure she will be listening. 


NP: Slipped Away- Avril Lavigne