But I'm not depressed, I'm extremely happy. I really am. I just have a hard time showing it when I get into these moods. Last night is when this mood started and I really felt lousy before I went to bed. I felt extremely detached and upset. But when my mom came in to say good night to me she made me feel better.
My mom knows me better than anyone else in this world. She walked into my room and when I pretended to be asleep she said, "I know you aren't asleep. I'm not stupid." She's right, I wasn't asleep and she's anything but stupid. Mom didn't say anything special to cheer me up, just gave me a back scratch and said her usual "goodnight and pleasant dreams." Something about kissing my mom goodnight on the cheek made me feel better. She's the one woman I always get a goodnight from, and at the end of the day whether good or bad that's all I want. A simple goodnight.
Yesterday I had a great talk with Levi. He had broken up with Eryne because he said he wasn't sure he felt the same as he did before. I commend him for that decision. He wanted to protect her and himself from growing farther apart and eventually having a tough break up. He told me he wasn't sure he was mature enough to continue in a relationship. I think he's nuts for that because of all the kids i know in high school Levi has done more growing up than anyone I can think of. I view him as an extremely mature kid. Sure he likes to indulge sometimes and likes to be a little immature but who doesn't? Immaturity is such a blissful part of high school. Some couple hours after i called and talked to Levi he texted me and asked if there was any shame in going back. I told him no way. There's no shame in going back on something like that. If a break up brings you to tears and has you feeling empty going back to the person is in no way wrong. Those couple hours he was single probably ate at him, made him feel alone, and made him want her back more than ever. Now he has her back, and i'm happy for him. I'm happy he realized that there was something there as more than friends and that he couldn't go a day with her as just a friend. True love is what it's called everybody. It brings a smile to my face seeing it with kids our age. Really does.
One thing I pride myself on is always being there if a friend needs. Saturday night when I was at Jordan's, Dave gave me a call. Right away I could tell something was up, just by the inflection of his words. I asked him what was up and he asked if he could spend the night at my house. He thought all the other guys were spending the night too, but plans had changed since we last talked to Dave. I didn't mind though. Of all my friends, my house is the one open at all hours of night. A call could come in at 3 a.m. and my house would be open. My parents wouldn't even question why someone else was eating breakfast at the kitchen table, they'd simply set another place for them. I'm excited to get my license because I want to play the role of savior. I want to be the friend everyone calls at any hour to come help them out. Whether it's a friend who needs to talk, or a friend in an undesirable situation at a party, or if it's something more serious like actually protecting someone. I'll jump into my mom's minivan and race my ass to whoever needs me. That's a promise.
The reason I felt so shitey last night was because I finally did something i needed to do. I knew the outcome before I asked and somehow I was still let down. My optimism is beginning to take it's toll on me. I look for a positive in every situation, and sometimes am straight up unreasonable. But that's the way I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately it seems to be getting snagged on everything it touches. I can't call myself heartbroken because luckily I haven't gotten in deep enough for that. Still I put myself into something even when I know deep down I'll get hurt. I must be some sort of masochist. But what I got out of last night's letdown was closure. Whether good or bad, closure is closure. I got a feeling of closure last night. The closure brought tears to my eyes, I'll admit that, but if it hadn't then did it really mean anything in the first place?
Tomorrow is a new day. A day full of promise and wonder. I need to make tomorrow a good day. I think I can. i'd also like to thank a good friend of mine who reminded me last night that this time of our live's is very subject to change. And that setting anything in stone now might be a mistake. She said to not rush into anything and let things work themselves out. She's right. this time is ever-changing and rushing into anything would surely be a suicide mission. But I'll be damned if I wait and let things pass me by. I'm going to work for what I want, take care of the small things, and let the big things work themselves out. "And it's all small stuff."
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