Rolling

We went out to Canon Mac today to face off against the Big Macs. We crushed them. Plain and simple we dominated all across the board. We have to keep this up Monday when section play starts.

I came home from the game to find a letter opened from Fordham. I read it and found out I've been placed on the waiting list. I hate it. Not the fact that I might not be good enough, rather the fact that now I won't know until May 1st. Mom said we can go look at St. John's and Drexel to see which one of those I like more. We'll put a deposit down on the one I like more and hold out for Fordham. If I don't get in then I just don't understand what I'm missing. I have the grades, the test scores, and even have family connections. If I don't get in I'll be upset, sure, why wouldn't I be? But I know I'll be okay. St. John's is a subway ride away from Manhattan and I can still test all the coffee shops I want.

I'll do my best to stay optimistic. That's something I usually have no problem with...

I watched the new Footloose again tonight and it was as corny and awesome as I remember it being. I wish I could dance more then anything in the world. It's such a beautiful thing when done right, even more so then singing in my opinion. If I had the time to learn how to dance like they did in the movie I wouldn't hesitate.

The movie helped fix my mood and now as I lay here in bed I'm excited for what tomorrow brings. I'm waking up at 8 to go get a hair cut before I go watch Ty and his Beadling team play up at the high school. I have a tough decision tomorrow between a buzz cut, a mullet, or just a trim.....I think it's going to be a last second decision or maybe the flip of a coin. Yes, a three sided coin you smart asses. After the game I'm gonna deposit some money in the bank and from there my day is wide open.

I'm beginning to really enjoy the little things everyday has to offer. Things like eating dinner with my family or driving my sister home. Things like sitting around bull shitting with Ty or even just laying in bed at night listening to the sounds outside my window. I hear crickets and cars passing by, I feel a cold breeze come through the window and I know that life is good. No matter where I don't get accepted the one place I'll always have is home.

I realize this blog has been all over the place so I want to focus my thoughts for one second. The last idea is one I tweeted about last night. I tweeted, "There's something to be said about being the only guy she needs to talk to." This is referring to girls and boys alike who have an unquenchable thirst to feel wanted. I'd much rather have one person to talk to every day then have four. Four people is impersonal. It says nothing about your commitment or your ability to really connect with someone. I'd be lying if I told you sometimes I don't wish more people would text me, hell I love talking to people. Maybe my problem is that I like to get to into conversation. I like to know too much about the person and I like to dissect what they have to say. I hate frivolous talk. I also cannot stand talking to worthless pieces of shit. Obviously that would seem to be a given, but a lot of girls like to talk to crap guys and good guys sometimes find crap girls as well. Too many times have I heard that all boys are assholes...you see the problem isn't that all boys are assholes, the problem is you limit your sights to assholes and the good guys are passed over or set aside. I speak for all the "good guys" when I say we're here for you ladies. But don't come to us as a back up plan, we deserve to be a priority.

I guess I just have a thing for being the guy who sweeps a girl off her feet and shows her there are better guys out there. Is that so wrong?

NP: Holding Out For A Hero-Ella Mae Bowen

Putting It All Together

Today we kicked the crap out of Bishop Canevin. We dominated in all the parts of the game. We hit better then we have all year, our fielding was error free, and Trevor pitched his ass off.

I'm having fun this year with baseball...the past two years weren't exactly a good time.

The coaching staff is great and their different personalities really give a great mix of seriousness and comedy. Coach Buzz is hilarious. The guy is in love with Colin Claus a.k.a. Santa Claus. A day doesn't go by that Coach Buzz screams, "Clausy baby, lookin good." Coach Buzz also calls me captain Forse which I like. I like being the "captain" of the team. If the team keeps playing like we did today we could have an amazing year. AC and Larue are pounding the ball. Amedure is surprising me, he's a tenacious little guy.

Tonight I went to visit Amanda with a bunch of people and she didn't look bad at all! Wisdom teeth mustn't suck that bad...

No idea what I'm going to do tomorrow night after our game, and I have no plans for Saturday either except to go to the bank and maybe get a haircut. I like not having plans though. It lets me be spontaneous and adventurous....if you call going to get ice cream spontaneous and adventurous. I guess I can't complain about where I'm at in life. I'm usually genuinely happy and what more can I ask? There's always something more I want, but I can't have everything I want.

My cousin Jarrett explained to me what he calls the "rule of three." He said that in college you can only be succeeding in two of three categories. The three categories are studies, sport, and girls. The rule of three says that if you're doing well in school and playing well, then girls aren't going to be going well. Vice versa if you're doing well with the ladies and in school, you probably aren't playing your best. I think I'm subject to the rule of three. My grades are as high as ever, I'm playing well...and the ladies...what ladies? Who needs the ladies anyway?

I'm supposed to hear back from Fordham on Sunday and I'm excited and nervous. If I don't get in I know I'll be super bummed. Especially because I know I'm good enough to get in. If i don't I still plan on going to St. John's.

If I end up in New York I need to start drinking coffee. I decided that myself. If I want to be a hipster I have to like coffee. New York has thousands of coffee shops and I want to try them all, become a connoisseur of sorts. I'll need someone to come find me in those coffee shops and drink with me though. So if you want to, if you really want to, you'll have that chance.

NP: Letter To Me- Brad Paisley

It's Fixed and I'm Grateful

Today I retweeted a tweet my cousin had that really struck me. The tweet was, "One of those games you're gonna lose, but you want to play it just in case." That really hit me hard and spoke to me. 

I hate losing as much as anyone in this world. As much as I hate losing like my cousin Joey said, there are certain games you want to play just in case. You can go into a situation knowing the odds aren't on your side and that you actually don't have a chance...something about that makes the game even more desirable.

 I guess it goes back to the idea of wanting what we can't have. There really are some things in this world we can't have. I've learned that over time. You can do everything right: say the right things, act the right way, and try to be perfect in every way, but it doesn't mean you'll get what you want. 

Losing is terrible, but playing a game you know you're going to lose speaks volumes about your character. It shows that you want to prove yourself wrong, the odds wrong, and other people wrong. Even if you do lose, at least you fought. I'll always stand by the idea that if you fight for what you believe is right, you can never lose. 

I've lost battles I knew I was going to lose, and I've lost ones I thought I would win. I've come up short in every aspect of life at one time or another, yet I strive to be better so I feel like I'm a winner because of it. 

Final thought is this; fight a battle that you'll probably lose because it'll show you more about yourself than any other challenge will. I fought a battle I knew i wasn't going to win, and I lost. I lost hard, but I fought as long as i could and I made myself recognized. I put myself into it and I know I won't be forgotten

As far as grateful goes I owe my mom so much in this world. She just spend $250 on dress clothes for me. That isn't what I owe her for though. I owe her for the things you can't measure. Things like love and passion, understanding and forgiveness, knowledge and growth, and for a wicked vocabulary and love for books. I love you mom, you'll always be my favorite girl. Always. 

NP: Dear Mama- 2Pac

A Nice Win

Today we beat up on a lesser squad. Fort Cherry isn't as good as us and we did what we should have, we won. We should've won by even more but I won't complain because a win, is a win, is a win. I didn't hit especially well, 1 for 3, but got on base on a strike out so my OBP is up pretty high still. I hate striking out more than most anything in this world. I just straight up hate it, especially a strike out looking. That's worse then swinging.

I promised some people a blog "shout out" which to me is the devil but here goes anyway. First one goes to my boy AC. AC's been playing really well so far this year and I like what's ahead of him. He's one of the most laid back, chill kids I've come to know. He's got a mean stache and he's fun as hell to talk to. And that is that for AC.

Shea gets the next shout out and it's a shout out and wake up call at the same time. I'm not worried about your hitting at all my man because that will take care of itself. Just keep your head up and bust your ass to be perfect in the field.

OD wanted a shout out and here it is. OD has been one of the realest people I have known. We used to be the best of friends back in middle school and have since grown apart which is the sad truth. I'm excited for him to go to Case Western next year and continue his football career because he seems to really like it. But for now if he would keep pounding home runs at baseball I would be a happy camper.

Thank god those shout outs are over, I feel like I was starting to break out in hives.

Almost forgot to mention we went to the zoo today for a senior class trip! I love the zoo. There's something about the animals that just brings out the kid in everyone. It was cool seeing kids gawk and "ohh" and "ahh" at the different exhibits. I enjoyed walking around with my various friends talking and just enjoying a nice day.

I said something earlier today that I feel might have been misconstrued. "I said that the words on this blog are merely words and that in some cases they are unattainable. In some underlying cases that's all they will ever be. Some things are dreams that might not ever be acted on and that if these blogs are the only connection you have to me then you are around for the wrong reasons."

This blog isn't for you to like me. It's for me to express myself. Everything I say is near and dear to me and it's the truth. These ideas and thoughts are merely put down on paper, or in this case in a virtual piece of paper. And when I say they aren't attainable I mean in this present state. Most dreams I have are extremely attainable. Even those that I say aren't attainable in this present state are ones I'd be willing to take a chance on. I'd hate to sell myself short because the words I used didn't come out right. I can and will do whatever it takes to make my dreams a reality...I'll go to any extreme necessary and I'll wait as long as I have to. All I ask is that you don't forget about me. 

My favorite lyric in the NP has to be, "Gave the rest a try now give the best a try." (Okay that's my favorite behind, "First time I got her in my bed she got wetter than the perfect storm that we weathering together.")

NP: Never Been In Love- Talib Kweli

Rejection

Last night I fell asleep at 10:30. Truly a miraculous feat for myself. After baseball and ice cream with the team I came home and just sat around in a weird mood before I went to bed. I laid there for a while texting and thinking.

As I started dozing off a bit I decided to check my email...bad decision. In my inbox I found an email from William and Mary. It was a rejection.

The immediate feeling I felt was inadequacy. It isn't even like William and Mary was my top school, I just hate being told I'm not good enough.

The rejection letter itself was annoying to read. They just bullshit you about how there are so many applicants and they can't possibly accept every student who would be successful there. They go on to wish you the best of luck in all future endeavors. Well thanks but no thanks. I don't need your well wishes after all that shit letter. I'd much rather it came right out and said why I was inferior. Why I wasn't enough. I know in my case it was my SAT scores. If standardized testing keeps me out of a school then that's okay with me.

Standardized testing doesn't come close to measuring my smarts or my standing as a person.

Despite how bitter I sound I'm not that upset. I still have to hear back from Fordham...which could be a good thing or a bad thing.

I feel like even a college can't tell me in not good enough. Sure they just did last night, but being told something is different from accepting it as the truth. I refuse to accept that as the truth. Call it arrogance, call it denial, call it what you want. I think of it as self realization.

I know my potential and what I'm capable of...actually even I don't know that. And that's the beauty of potential, just when you think you've reached yours, you gain more knowledge and your potential keeps going up. If there is one thing in life it's okay to come up short of it is your potential. That is as long as it's a positive shortcoming where you're always striving to be your best.

I fell asleep last night texting. I hate when I do that because I always have something else to say. I always have an answer for you. Even if the answer is another question, or if the answer is something rather uncertain. I'll never just leave you hanging. I'll wait in any coffee shop I have to, if that's what it'll take.

NP: Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

Everybody Hates It

Losing: The one thing everyone hates.

"You show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser." -Vince Lombardi

That hockey game was rough. Those boys have nothing to be ashamed of though, the made history. As Coach Palks would say they left their mark on the school. What more could a group of guys ask for? Over the course of a season they became a family and made memories that will last a lifetime. Congrats guys.

I just hope I dream tonight. A dream I've dreamt before would be nice, a dream I hope to make a reality soon. You're all I want.

Sleep well.

NP: Getting Into You- Relient K

Good Morning

Well I went through with it. I woke myself up at 6:45 to go to church. Graz and I met for 7:30 mass at St. Columbkille. There are always things I agree with and disagree with about the Catholic church. I only respond to certain refrains at church. I refuse to say anything I don't wholeheartedly believe. I'm not totally against church I just question some aspects of it. Going to church is nice because it helps me maintain some sense of spirituality. I believe in what I believe, but the church is a place to go where other people worship as well. It's a safe haven of sorts I guess.

After church I went to the cemetery to see my Nan's grave. Walking around the cemetery at 8:30 in the morning all alone was quite an experience. My mind was racing as I walked around looking for her grave. The first thing I noticed about the cemetery was the smell of roses. It brought me comfort because Nan loved roses. Pap and Nan's old house on Herbst Road always smelled of roses because Nan grew them. The thing that hurt the most about my trip was how long it took me to find her grave. Granted I haven't been there in five years or so, but I felt like I was letting her down by forgetting where she was. I found it after about a half an hour of searching and from there my emotions got the best of me. I can't lie, I cried. Not because I was sad but because I was upset it had been so long.

In ten year's time I have grown a lot. From second grade to senior year I am much more developed and complex. Nan saw me graduate kindergarten a naive young boy...but she won't be there to hug me after I graduate from high school a thoughtful young man. She will never meet my wife and she won't have the chance to be a great grandmother. I realize that once someone is dead they're still "with" us, but it would be nice to have her there in body to hug and thank.

I had forgot that Pap plans on being buried next to Nan when he dies. It already has his name next to hers on the gravestone just waiting for the time he passes. Seeing his name there brought about conflicting emotions. It made me happy to see that he was going to be back with his true love, his first love. At the same time it scared me because I often think of Pap as an immortal man. I sometimes take him for granted and seeing his name on that gravestone was an ominous reminder that eventually life does end. That makes me want to spend as much time with his as possible. Life is a fragile thing, and Pap is becoming a frail old man which means I need to make the most of the time I have with him.

The last thing I noticed before I left was something small, something almost insignificant. On Nan's side of the grave there was barely any grass growing. Instead the ground was sprouting little clovers all over. Nan was Irish through and through and seeing those clovers all around her made me chuckle.

I've decided the next time I go to visit her grave (which will hopefully be next weekend) I'm taking her some roses. I'm also going to get myself a hot chocolate or coffee and sit there and talk to her. This first trip I cried and talked, not about my life or how I was doing but about how I missed her. I feel like I got that out of the way and now when I return I can sit there and enjoy her company. I can enjoy the little things like drinking a coffee and talking about life with someone you really love. Even if she isn't there to talk back I'm sure she will be listening. 


NP: Slipped Away- Avril Lavigne

Big Day

Today was a good day. I had my last youth camp ever and it was probably the not miserable one yet. I got stuck with the tee drill and the bowling pin knockdown. Something about little kids, plastic bowling pins, and baseballs do not mix. The one thing that brightened the camp was one little boy. Jake Cantor is the cutest little kid ever. At 4 years old he has a good swing, good mechanics, and a heartwarming smile. His smile singlehandedly made my day better. He was grinning from ear to ear for 4 hours straight. I figured if he can smile for that long, I can swallow my pride and have a good time for those little kids...you can learn a lot from little kids.

After the youth camp I got to watch our high school play down at Consol Energy Center for the Penguin Cup. We won 4-3 in overtime which was absolutely spectacular. One of my best friends Jared had three points and played arguably his best game I've ever seen.

My buddy Jared has been one of my best friends for the longest time out of any of them. Although I am by no means a hockey player I feel like some of Jared's skill was developed in our hours of street hockey played on his driveway. Whether we played as high school or NHL teams I was always his goalie. We had some memorable games in our time. Especially the New York Rangers vs New York Islanders game where both Rick DiPietro and Henrik Lundqvist played stellar in goal. Jared and I share some memories that I'll never forget. Tonight he dropped me off and did our Gary Burteer peel out. But today as he sped away I said aloud to myself, "This one means something." today my friend is a champion, and it couldn't have happened to a better kid. I love ya Jack.

Tomorrow should be a great day. 7:30 a.m. mass with Graz and a visit to my Nan's grave to start me off. Followed by our hockey team playing for a state championship!

Should have some great stuff for you all tomorrow night.

I guess the truth is I just want to hear from you.

Night guys.

NP: Your Song- Elton John

I Would Have

It's 3:26 in the morning and I'm doing this for YOU.

You should know I definitely would have. How could I not when you're all I think about? When you're all I want to think about...

Waking up like this is weird. It's even weirder because my stomach dropped when I read that.

If love is what you feel don't think twice; say it. Love is the one emotion that left unexpressed is a real crime. I will never have a problem saying I love you. By the way, I do love you.

Being the sickeningly optimistic boy I am I like to think I'll have my chance. That my time will come. That our dreams will come true. Is that such a wrong thing to be optimistic about??

A part of me will always feel for you.

If you want to know what's going through my mind listen to the song "Austin" by Blake Shelton. Read the lyrics and take time to figure out what it's about. It's about a powerful love and never giving up on something.

Back to sleep now in an attempt to avoid the constant flow of thoughts. A flow that at times overwhelms and floods my mind. When my mind is flooded, and my body numb, will you be my lifesaver? I'll stay afloat as long as I can. And if I do sink I sink not as a man upset, but as a man excited. Excited for that time where I have you to hold.

NP: Austin-Blake Shelton

Opening Day

Tomorrow is opening day for the baseball team. 4:00 o'clockat Donaldson. If you don't have anything you should definitely make your way up there and watch some quality ball being played. It costs nothing to get in and it is a great opportunity to work on your tan. If you don't like being tan...well then stay home.

We had a good practice today and I think the team is ready for tomorrow. I guess we will see how ready we really are tomorrow at 4:00 o'clock though.

After practice today I got back to the school and went to watch some of the track scrimmage. I barely missed Jen's race which sucks! I intend on making it to several track meets to watch not only her but all my other friends on the team as well. Jen's a good little runner, not quite as good as Alexis O'Shea. That girl is a machine. She might not be as physically developed as the other girls, but she has something no coach can ever teach. The girl is mentally tough. When I say mentally tough I mean that there is something deep down that will not let her lose. I wasn't there to see but my Dad told me she was behind in one race by a good bit and Hamilton said something, just one or two words, and something in her went off. I love the drive she has. It's a drive not many people in this world have. She's already a hell of a runner and her best years are ahead of her.

After the meet I got a text asking if I was okay because I seemed kinda down today. I didn't think I was down, but I admit I am distancing myself. Not a bad distancing, like I said in previous blogs. It's a good distancing. Taking time to let myself think and just breathe. It feels pretty good.

Another thing that came up was dreams. Dreams are a wild, wonderful thing. Dreams are only dreams and in many instances the best dreams we have will never be acted on. Some dreams i would do anything to make a reality. What's nice to know is that people are looking out for you and thinking about you. That's something everyone likes to hear. But what about the thought that thinking about a person is all it might ever be? Quite a sad concept really.

There are people in this world I would do anything for. I'm not sure they would do the same for me, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd do anything for them. Sure reciprocation would be nice, but I don't need repaid for caring. That's one of my greatest downfalls at times; I care too damn much. But I won't stop caring just because it's a weakness of mine. Acknowledging that it's a weakness is, in my eyes, a strength. I'll always stick to the idea that it's better to care too much then to not care enough.

There are a select few people I can say I think about everyday. My Nan being one of them. My grandpa being another. My best friends being some others. My mom, Dad, and Jenny of course. And others as well. The others know who they are.

The people I think about daily are the ones I would do anything for. I'd give up anything for another day with Nan. A day alone with her and Pap, just talking. That would be a perfect day. I'll never have that day though, just like a dream I dreamt recently might never come. But I recognize a dream as a dream, and dreams are things we work towards. I'd sacrifice a hell of a lot to make a dream a reality, but for now I'll bide my time.

Much love everybody, life is good. I'll be the first to admit that.

Shawshank

If you have never seen The Shawshank Redemption please go rent it. Or rather, contact me and we can watch it together. The ideas in that movie are so deep. The story line is incredible, the acting is great, and the ending is spectacular. I am being dead serious about contacting me to watch it. It is a must. I just wanted to share one quote from the movie with you all before I went to bed. It's a quote that Morgan Freeman's character says after his best friend leaves.

"Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." 

There is a lot going on in that quote. From locking up something that should never be caged to missing a friend. I can't help but smile at that part of the movie. There are other parts I would love to share, but then you wouldn't be interested in watching it with me, would you?

Sleep Well.

You'll Never Walk Alone

2 weeks and 1 day until I can get my tattoo. That means 15 days until I can cement a saying on my body that will always remind me of my best friends. You'll never walk alone won't represent the idea that I always have my friends, but rather that even when I feel my most lonely I have myself. I talked to Trevor today about the idea of being a loner and not needing anyone else to make me happy. Trev has some interesting opinions on women, love, and life. I enjoy hearing all his opinions on those three subjects. I'm happy to see where he is at right now. The kid's finally found one he cares about.

I crept into a funk a bit earlier tonight and have since removed myself from it. I listened to "Woman Like You" at least 20 times tonight and every time I do it makes me feel a little bit better. I feel like there is that one girl out there for every guy, and that in time we will all find them. Maybe we already know them, we just don't know it yet. Maybe we will meet them in the near future.Who am I to say really?

The other great point Trevor brought up was this blog. He asked if I did it because it made me happy or if i did it for the notoriety and sense of accomplishment. He asked if I'd still write even if no one read it. And honestly I would. I might save my fingers the stress of typing it all, but I know I'd keep a journal of some sort at least for poetry. Writing is a beautiful thing, and expressing my ideas is something that truly makes me happy. Positive feedback and the nice words people have to say is just extra. I'd lie if I said sometimes I didn't write for other people. I write to get a rise out of a group. I write to inspire, to question, and to be heard. I think the idea of my thoughts being read is just as cool as people actually reading them. If only one person a night read my blog and felt some sort of emotion while reading it then I succeeded... even if that person was me.

This blog isn't for you or me, it isn't for class anymore, and it isn't for attention. It's for fun. If I love it, then why not keep going?

Scrimmage #2

On the bus ride home from the game I figured I'd say what's on my mind. We played well again today, steady improvement if you ask me. I know we can play better though. I'm excited to see us put it all together. I know we will, it's just a matter of when  and how long we can keep it up. As I've said before, this year could be a promising one for a return to the playoffs.

Before the game I tweeted about it and Coach D tweeted back at me. Coach D has slowly become my favorite coach. His attitude towards the game and life is so positive and fun. He knows how to have a good time at baseball and it's evident he loves being out there with us. Some of the stuff he said in the dugout today, stuff I can't repeat, absolutely cracked me up. Coach D quotes Dodgeball constantly, but his best attribute has to be that he knows when he needs to be serious. Coach D is a young guy, but a guy who seems to have a plan. For only being twenty some years old he is already married, which in my eyes is admirable. I know that if and when Coach D and his wife have kids those kids will be lucky to a dad like him. I feel lucky to have him as a coach.

Aside from baseball I've been thinking about something else. I'm beginning to feel somewhat detached but it isn't a bad detached. It's a detached that is protecting me. I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or not though. I don't want to miss any opportunities. Especially a great, great one. I feel like maybe I'm trying to protect myself. I'm sure whatever is meant to be will be and all that jazz.

For now I'm going to stay positive and keep a smile on my face because if there is one thing I control everyday it's whether or not I put a smile on... Still something about not being good enough dwells inside me. Inadequacy and losing are my two biggest fears and I feel like I'm always facing them both on the baseball field and off.

I owe a shout out to another Zanella. Julie Zanella gets this shout out. I don't know her at all, but if she's a sister and friend of Scottie's then she is a friend of  mine. Also being the daughter of the notoriously wise Frau Zanella means she must have some idea what's going on.

The NP for tonight is a song I was introduced to by my buddy T-Will. It carries a lot of meaning about finding the right woman. If you listen you'll hear it's about finding the one who is amazing enough to keep you from the other things you used to think were important. It's about finding the right one. Can't wait til I find a "Woman Like You."

man oh man

Today was yet another god day. Baseball practice was a bit excessive, but it wasn't bad overall. After that I went and got Moe's with Trev, Frankowski, Larue, and Amedure. Came home from that and went right back out for ice cream. Tonidale is still my favorite ice cream place. And eating there with someone you like being with always helps too. Nothing else to say really! Scrimmage número dos tomorrow. Wish me luck!

NP: Never Been In Love- Talib Kweli

I'm On a Roll

Today is actually my third really good day in a row. I have no reason for today to be a good day really, besides the fact that I went and got my tux for prom. I love getting dressed up as you all know by now. I'm not so much a fan of prom as I am of the whole dressing up and being with my friends. Dancing I could do without. If i had any say in it we would dance like they do in the new Footloose. (If you haven't seen the new Footloose I recommend you do, it was a quality flick.)

I'll give you a recap of Friday and Saturday so you guys can catch up on what I've been up to before i leave you with a recent thought of mine.

Friday was a good day because I slept in and got to school at the end of fourth period. School seemed to fly by and before you know it it was after school. Baseball practice Friday revealed a lot. We did relay races for conditioning and a lot of my fellow seniors were upset because all 33 kids from both JV and Varsity were practicing together. Personally I don't care because I always look for the best in every situation. I figure as long as I focus and get my reps in I'll be fine. Obviously practicing with 13 kids would be more productive but I'm not the coach and I'll do my job.Other kids on the team seem to think this is the end of the world, which it is not.

One teammate of mine, a senior, cried after the relay races because he was so frustrated with the way things are being run. I went into the locker room and explained to him that things were going to get better. I admire the fact that he cares enough about his senior season to cry over how things were being run.

After practice I went home and just hung out until Graz picked me up and we went to see Project X. It was as good as everyone made it out to be. The movie appealed to me, a non drinker, yet it didn't glorify drinking...okay maybe it kinda did. But I didn't feel anymore moved to go grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and start taking shots than I had before watching it. Not gonna lie, the day a party like that is thrown is the day I'll show up to a party. After the movie Ty brought Z Graz, Coach K, and myself home. I told Ty that I would take Josh home because Ty was worried about getting home after 11. My parent's are less strict about such things even though I just got my license. Driving Josh home was peaceful. It was nice to sit and talk with him just about life. He really is a younger version of myself only he has much more soccer skill.

Saturday I was lucky enough to work another youth camp (which I drove to). I love little kids until I lose their attention. Towards the end of the camp the kids were running rampant and disobeying orders like the order itself was to not listen. This is every kid except one. Scotty Zanella was the most calm, collected little kid I have ever seen. When his group came to my station I asked who wanted to go first. (Usually in such a situation all three kids raise their hands and start screaming.) In Scotty's group the other two kids did and Scotty kept his hand down. I asked Scotty if he wanted in go first and he said, "No, I'm okay with going last." I let the other two kids go and when it was Scotty's turn I made sure I asked him if he even wanted to go. I said, "Scotty you don't have to go if you don't want." But he assured me he wanted to go. He went and he scored pretty well. Little Scotty Zanella is a chill little kid. I liked his mindset the whole day. At the end he obviously didn't want to be there, but he persevered and finished strong. I have never had the privilege of talking with Frau Zanella, but everyone speaks highly of her and her son has obviously been raised well.

 I said earlier I would leave you with something I've been thinking about and I truly planned on doing that the only problem is I have nothing profound for you tonight. I haven't had any thoughts building up in my head recently and I think that's a testament to the good time I've been having.

I sat here for the last hour watching E:60 videos and one I just watched was about suicide. I've publicly criticized suicide as a cowardly thing to do. I partially stand by that assertion. You always have something to live for. Believe me you do. Even in the darkest days of life there is a light you will never see in death.  I realize that people suffer from depression or other sicknesses that make them feel worthless or lost. Those people just need to realize how good life is and it's our job to help them. This world we live in has a million evils, but I know for certain that for every evil you find you can find two goods. Here's a poem I just wrote for you guys to read.

There's a lot of hurt and hate,

a lot of pain in this state.  

But this life we live, 

this life we live is great. 

And no dark day,

no not even the darkest day.

Is reason enough to call it quits,

because life never really is the pits. 

So smile for yourself today,

and know that where there's a will, 

there will always be a way. 

I love you guys.

NP:

Wicked Night

Well the hockey game was a great game. Moon played well and our boys pulled it out in the third period.

After the game led to where I'm at right now. In the midst of a twitter fight with seemingly an entire school. I tweeted that AJ Coleman was a bitch in a tweet where I said the game was great. Sure that was a bit confrontational and I feel a bit immature for doing so.

I have no real animosity towards AJ Coleman after tonight. I'll admit it and I never have denied it: the kid can flat out play hockey. He's a hell of a player and any time he touched the puck tonight he was dangerous.

I apologize to him for what I said. Not that he will read this, but it's the thought that counts I guess.

I hated AJ when I never knew him because, to put it in the most straight forward way I can, he made out with my girlfriend. I'll admit it, he did. I have heard from various sources he's a bit of a player and I judged him on that. Wrong of me. I don't know anything he's been through and while I can disagree with what he might have done I'm in no position to judge him.

Calling him out on twitter was immature, but it's the same as if any one of their fans called Levitt or Mo a bitch. It's just fun to have someone to hate on.

Since I tweeted that I've been receiving wonderful tweets about how AJ "wheeled my girl" and such. Everybody wants to talk shit on me and this blog which is fine. They're entitled to an opinion. They can say whatever they want.

I apologized just now to Sam Hall who was the first person to confront me about the situation. I know he had to do it and I'm just amazed at how quickly it escalated. Out of nowhere some Ryan Otto kid was saying I'm not athletic and I think he might have said nobody reads my blog. That was the dagger.

I was called a fag on several occasions, told I'd have my ass beat, and told that AJ took my girl. At the end of the day this twitter shit means nothing. I had a freshman from Moon question the life I live. That was humorous. He said I sit behind a computer all day and that that's a shitty life. I'd agree with him because I don't do that, but it's about perspective. In time he'll learn that people are free to live however they want and that there is no right or wrong. You can't judge someone based on how they live their life. I've done it many times before and I'm learning slowly that it isn't right.

So just to clarify things once more. I have no problem with AJ Coleman, Sam Hall, or Josh Bioni. Or anyone else associated with Moon High School Hockey for that matter. I obviously got you all riled up and it was actually admirable seeing how many people stood up for a classmate and friend. People from West A were quick to have my back too which was nice to see.

As the night comes to a close I look back and realize I started a lot of twitter drama for no real reason. But let's be honest that was pretty intense and fun for a little while...then it got blown out of proportion and ruined.

All I have left to say is great game, both to Moon and West A. And to AJ Coleman, I am sorry for what I said.

Optimistic Day

Plain and simple, I had a good day.

Our baseball scrimmage showed signs of potential. We should be able to put together a solid team this year. If we get 9 guys to buy in to the system then we have a bright season ahead. It felt good being out in the sun playing one of my favorite games. My flow was looking nice with the curly cues coming out from underneath my hat. Debating on a mullet or not now...decisions decisions.

Aside from baseball I got to see my friends before they leave for states tomorrow which as always was a good time. We watched Harry Potter and assigned the characters to people in the school. Some of them are pretty funny and accurate.

Tomorrow is the hockey game which will be a blast. If it truly is a white out I'm going all white, white pants and a white polo. Stylin as always.

A side note not really dealing with my day at all: I cannot wait to find the girl of my dreams. I know in time the day will come, and I'm excited for it.

NP:

Got It

So it happened, I got my license. I can legally drive by myself in the state of Pennsylvania. Not really that big of an accomplishment in hindsight since I could've had it a year ago, but it still feels good. I drove alone for the first time tonight when I went over to Graz's to play some FIFA. It was relaxing to be alone in the car listening to my music. I can tell I'm going to like driving...which could prove to be a bad thing.

I'll probably have to pay for gas which will be extremely difficult to do without working. I could ask my mom for money for gas but I hate burdening her. I know she doesn't have extra money to spend so I don't want her to have to. My Dad not having a job is really taking a toll on my family. My mom tries to budget money as best she can, but it's hard with both Jenny and I being as active as we are not to spend extra money. Our house assessment going up $170,000 dollars doesn't help things either...

My mom said something awhile ago about having to sell the house if my Dad didn't get a job soon. That makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up in this house and have made so many memories here, losing it would be devastating. I realize though that moving from this house wouldn't erase any memories, rather it would open up a place to make new one but still...I can't imagine calling any other place home.

Whatever happens happens though and I'll survive either way. I just like to
Think my Dad will find a job soon enough and 108 Brickbarn Court will always be home. Even if we move, this house will always be home.

I wish I had more to give you guys tonight, but my overall indifference is mounting and I need to go to bed before I get more upset. Night guys, I love you.

NP: Ungodly Hour- The Fray

19 Hours

In 19 hours I'll be taking my drivers test. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am to finally have my license. I've been aching for the freedoms associated with driving. The glamorous ones like being able to actually take someone out to dinner, and the smaller ones like picking up my sister from cheer practice.

While driving is all well and good tonight, for the first time in a long time, I walked. I just walked from my house up to Jaclyn's but it was glorious. The weather was perfect walking weather. It was about 55 degrees and had just finished raining. I absolutely love the smell of the outdoors after a rain storm. Probably my favorite smell in the world.

What it made me think about was the concept of arriving. Arriving at a destination or at something bigger. How do we know when we have truly "arrived"? There are hundreds of different places to go, hundreds of different routes to take to get those places, and hundreds of different modes of transportation. You can travel by bike to a neighboring town, by foot to a friend's house, by car to a different state, and by plane to a different country. But the travel least discussed least is growing. Growing up is in a way traveling. You pass different obstacles and road blocks in your path to arriving as a mature adult. And in some cases people never make it. All I really have to say is that wherever you're going, and however you plan on getting there, just get there. If you miss your chance to get there once, find a new path and carry on. I feel I am on my way to arriving. In many essences I have arrived and in some I'm still struggling to get there. Persistence is crucial. You have to accept that sometimes you'll have to stray from your intended course because it's the only way forward. Progress is progress even if it isn't the quickest way somewhere.

They say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but straight lines are overrated. Life is about those squiggly lines and the bumps in the road.

A cockeyed path may just be the best path.

NP: Breathe In Breathe Out- Matt Kearney

The Waiting Game

Why is waiting such a huge part of life? I'm sick and tired of waiting. On everything. This part of my life is an uncertain one where my future is the most uncertain part. Why is it that everyone says, "Wait til you get to college?" I don't wanna wait. All I know for certain is the present and that's where I want to live. I don't want to live for tomorrow until I've lived for today. I don't wait to wait for tomorrow either, rather I want to exhaust all the hours in today so tomorrow is the only option. I just want to feel totally full.

I can sit here and feel lonely and I do from time to time, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that. I constantly remind myself of all the good I have in my life and I'm truly grateful for it all. I really am. If I'm going to acknowledge that I have so much good I also have to acknowledge that I often times feel lonely.

I feel lonely late at night when I don't have someone to say goodnight to. I feel lonely early in the morning when I don't have someone to say good morning to. I feel lonely when I'm with someone and I can tell their mind is somewhere else or on someone else. Those are the moments that get me the most. Probably because I know they have someone somewhere else to think about and that while I do too, the person I'm thinking of likely isn't thinking of me. Or even worse when you're with the person you constantly think about and you can tell they are caught up in something else.

I'm looking forward to college like most other kids, but looking forward too and waiting for are totally different. I refuse to wait. Waiting eats at me because it makes me think. Makes me think about what happens after you make it to college and you find yourself in the same position. Then what?

These times might be uncertain, soon to change, and unpredictable. They're also going to be short lived and hard to find later. But my theory is if you have any amount of time to do something you do it. Don't be afraid of how long it will last. Worrying about going away and leaving something unfinished shouldn't deter you from starting it in the first place. Go for what you want as soon as you want it. Forget time. Time waits for no man, and if you wait, time will pass you by.

Chances

Hey everyone. How was your Sunday? I hope it was good because mine was. I collected my tips from my night of hell at work and whenever I saw I made 94 dollars I realized it was worth it. Cash in hand is one of the best feelings in the world. Then instant it hits my pocket and my pocket starts burning isn't nearly as great though. I'm an online browsing addict. I'd call myself a shopping addict but I don't buy anything. Stingy I guess.

Anyway, tonight's blog will start with my review of the musical.

I'll be brutally honest, I usually hate musicals. I hadn't been to one in a long while until Friday night. I had a great time though. I enjoyed seeing all the kids I know in major roles. It made the show much, much better. Going in I had no idea what to expect. One of my best friends in the lead role? Is this a sick joke? Of all of us Dave would be the one who could do it. Dave is always taking on other personalities, some of which are more friendly than others.

I had been accustomed to Dave leading our team on the soccer field but he played the same role in the play. He did great, simply amazing. It was funny looking up there hearing him use a voice so much different  than his usual one. He played the role perfectly and I was truly impressed.

Aside from Dave I was impressed with Vaughn's performance. Vaughn is a kid I've come to know through English class and he's a really cool kid. His work in the play is only surpassed by his ability to write. He has a natural talent for writing. His writing is more detailed and beautiful than mine. He writes great fictional work and I can't wait until he's famous for it one day. His dancing and singing in the musical showed he isn't just a one trick pony, rather a master of several arts. I applaud his performance.

Aside from Dave and Vaughn I was amazed by Ryan Borgo. Kid has mad talent. Nothing else to say really.

I'm glad I decided to go to the musical because I saw a different type of hard work. The kids in the musical worked hard to put on a great show. Being in the musical and playing on the football team aren't all that different. Both have their own "season," both require determination and hours of practice, both are physically demanding. I give Dave, Erin, and anyone else who had to sing alone on stage the utmost respect. Doing what they did is impressive. Singing in front of friends, family, and the community must be nerve wracking. I know kicking was. Those two are kind of similar in a way...kicking and singing. They're both a time where the outside factors are limited and it's you and your talent against the world. A missed kick or a botched song, both humiliating in their own respects. I have a lot more respect for kids in the musical after what I saw. Bravo.

NP:

How?

How do I have enough left in me to blog right now? I just worked a 9 hour shift and was busy the whole night. My tiredness and hunger is only surpassed by the need to get my thoughts out.

Today wasn't a bad day. Woke up early to teach some young kids how to play baseball. I love the youth camps because the kids love it. Giving back feels great.

The best part about the youth camps is how much these kids love playing baseball. They truly love waking up at 7 to come play with their friends and with us high schoolers. I can honestly say baseball has taken its toll on my life. Part of the fun it used to be has been sucked away by the highly competitive high school atmosphere. I wish I could go back to the days I would look forward to baseball more than anything. Luckily for me I still have a little bit of that kid left in me. At practice I sprint out to the outfield to catch fly balls. Those are my thing, and I think I will always love tracking down a fly ball in the outfield.

Aside from the youth camp I didn't do much until work. Ash came over for a while and we just screwed around until I went to work.

Work was hell but I should make good money.......

(It is now 10 am and I just woke up from a 7 hour slumber. Have to admit, it felt pretty good. My body was crushed.)

Now it's time to get my grind on and try to crank out an English paper. I'll have a blog for you later, I promise.

NP: All Signs Point to Lauderdale- ADTR

Mind Is Slipping

My mind wanders, and when it wanders I have a hard time catching up to it. However, the great thing about not being able to catch up with your thoughts is this: if you never can catch up to them, then you always have something to strive for. The understanding of oneself is a glorious concept, but the hunt for a true understanding is a real bitch.

Tonight my mind wandered at dinner. After watching the musical a bunch of us went out to eat and after a while I found myself thinking. Thinking about thinking. My mind wandered to the point where my wandering mind wondered if it was actually wandering. Maybe that's a sign that it wasn't wandering, instead a deep understanding and realization. Or maybe not?

After I got home I found myself extremely angry. Angry at a person I've never met. Met him or not he's a piece of shit that I wouldn't hesitate to punch him in the face. My mind was running and I realized I had no hope of interpreting my thoughts yet. I got myself so worked up and enraged that I had to do pushups until my arms gave out.

I like nights like that. There's something intense about working your body raw to the point where you can no longer support your own weight. After 300 or so pushups that's where I was... Laying on my floor, thinking.

"When my arms can no longer support myself, they'll still be able to hold you."-Me

Kills Me

This senior year is proving to be a great one for most of my friends and myself. However, a large portion of our graduating class's actions could be described as nothing less than a "shit show." I'm not sure if it's the fact that senior boys enjoy partying with freshman girls or if it's the fact that a large part of the grade enjoys living a totally careless life. Popping pills, selling weed, drinking weekly, and ruining relationships are just a few things that come to mind first when I think of my class.

One thing I'll never do here is lie to you. This blog is the honest to God truth and I will never sugarcoat anything just because teachers and parents alike read it. I just won't. The truth hurts, and the truth has to be told.

My sister is a freshman and has already been in several unpleasant situations in her high school career. Senior boys showing up at a friend of her's house with a case of beer is just one of those situations. It killed me because i have to accept the fact that she's growing up. She has her own life and I can't try to shield her from all the evils. Her mistakes will guide her and make her a stronger person in the end. With that being said I'll always protect my sister. If senior boys want to mock and make fun of her for not drinking when they show up at her friend's house I won't just stand there. What does someone get out of making fun of a freshman girl who doesn't want to drink? I'll never understand it, and if it happens again I know for a fact there will be repercussions. Unpleasant ones, be it.

But how can I blame these kids right? How can I blame kids who are so far gone on pills that they ruin relationships with their family? Wrong. Any time you pick up a pill to put in your mouth you're making a decision. Adderall everyday at school? I didn't know you suffered from ADHD? Oh wait, that's because you don't. You pop these pills to feel something you can't feel without them. I pity you all because you don't understand how to have fun without the help of drugs. I will never mess around with pills. They're addictive and they cause people to do stupid things. Whenever you need an adderall to get you through the day, you have a problem.

Pills aren't the only problem though. The drinking is out of control. Drinking every weekend? Drinking until you black out? What is the fun in that? I will never completely discourage drinking because drinking in moderation is extremely acceptable. But when you have to drink every weekend at somebody's house what are you going to do at college? How are you going to accomplish anything without any parental supervision? I realize some people's parents are more involved than others and I'm blessed to have a loving family, but when these kids are off on their own I don't see them surviving very long. Colleges don't care about you. If you pay your tuition and you do something that is deserving of an expulsion, you're gone.

It kills me seeing kids I used to know popping pills. They have lost all sense of self worth and will do anything for a cheap thrill. In the end that's all it is. You can pop a pill that will last a few hours and you can pop another when you come down from the first one, but you don't understand true happiness. Keep popping your pills and I'll keep doing me. We'll see who goes farther. I wish you the best of luck because you'll need it. When you've lost all sense of self and lost the person you once were, I'll still be me. And that's a promise.

NP: If It Means A Lot To You- ADTR

1 More

I have one more driver's ed class before I can get my license. It's bittersweet in a way because it means I'll have to drive my friends around. Part of not having my license means people have top like me enough to come pick me up if they want to hang out. That sense of being wanted is slightly filled whenever you know somebody wants to hang out with you enough to come pick you up even when it's inconvenient for them. As bittersweet as that may be I'm super excited to have it and to finally be able to fully live life. The first time I can just drive myself somewhere i need to go will be a great day.

Today was a good day. The funk subsided. I even had a good seventh period...almost unheard of.

My good mood was multiplied whenever I found out we were practicing at Donaldson instead of inside. The weather was beautiful and it felt amazing to run down fly balls out in the outfield. I'm excited for this season. Very excited indeed. For those of you reading this I am begging you, please come to some games this year. Baseball games really aren't that bad. The games might seem boring but it's all about perspective! Even if the game is boring you can work on your tan. Bring a lawn chair,post up with a lemonade, and watch your favorite high school baseball players run around in tight pants!

After baseball i came home and rushed to driver's ed. I answered 18 out of 150 questions on the final and somehow ended up getting a 93% on the test...impressive right?

After driver's ed I went back to my house and watched the Pen's game with Ty and Ashley. We sat on the couch and listened to my Dad tell all kinds of stories. Stories from his time in the service and stories from high school. It's evident my Dad had an interesting upbringing. Aside from his story telling he cracked some crude jokes. When I say some I mean too many to count and when I say crude I mean jokes that earn you a first class ticket to hell. My Dad can make a joke out of anything...whether that's good or bad depends on who you are I guess. His vulgarity is rivaled only by his love of a good laugh. With all the wrong my Dad has done in his life, one thing he has always done right is made me laugh. And if you can't have a good laugh with your Dad what kind of bond is that?

My Dad and I's relationship isn't exactly "normal" or "functional." We greet each other with profanity most occasions and often times we square up like we're going to fight. (I always back off because he would still beat my ass.) My Dad has taught me a lot in my life. He's taught me what not to do through many of his actions. But more than that he's subliminally showed me exactly how to conduct myself. My Dad doesn't treat everyone well. Which some would say is a bad thing. But to me it shows how he prioritizes people in his life. If you show him you care and that you accept him for who he is, he sets aside a place for you. If you disrespect him and don't show him you can be trusted he will ridicule you. My Dad is a very judgmental man, he doesn't let anyone go without giving them his two sense, but I think that's admirable. Sure there are times where you're supposed to bite your tongue, that applies to most people, but not to my Dad. He says what he wants when he wants. It gets him in trouble, but if he didn't do it he wouldn't be him. I guess the main thing my Dad has taught me is to be yourself. Regardless if 95% of the people who meet you think you're an idiot, at least you're being you. My Dad has stayed true to himself since the day I was born, at times he was lost and acted in ways he shouldn't have. But the overwhelming amount of time in my life my Dad has been one thing, there for me.

(Really listen to the song below. great song about a man and his Dad. The end gives me chills.)

NP:

Last Post I Swear!!!

I have to thank Levi for all the nice things he said about me in his blog. Read it here if you haven't already. I'll put the link to it so you all can enjoy. Check out his other stuff too. He has a great view of friendship and love. The kid knows what's going on and I'm glad I have gotten closer to him this year. I love you Levi.

http://leviseifert.blogspot.com/2012/03/all-mistakes-can-be-fixed.html

Also, you need to check out this video. Shown to me by my boy Graz. Unbelievable stuff really. About making a difference. And the best part is that we all can help. Take 30 minutes tonight or tomorrow to watch it. You'll be thankful for all that you have. I promise that.

Trying To Bring Me Down: Part 2

The establishment couldn't keep me down tonight. If you read my blog from before the hockey game you read about a teacher I feel always tries keeping me down. Tonight at the hockey game, the teacher's place was taken by the law.

It started out like any other West A vs Bishop Canevin game would...screaming select phrases at the other team's captain and screaming for our boys. We were up 3 to 1 when the shenanigans broke out. Several calls in a row, bad calls might I add, went against us and the student section started a chant. I cannot say for sure who started the chant, but yes it was a "Bullshit, Bullshit" chant. After a while of chanting that a cop came over and told us to stop saying that. No lie we stopped instantly. A few seconds later one of the West A scholars sitting next to me started chanting "Push it, Push it." Obviously we did it to spite the cop, and he came over immediately and told us that the first two rows were kicked out.

The thing I'm not sure on is how he decided only the first two rows were going to be kicked out? It must've been the red pants I was rocking that threw him off. But seriously, the whole section was cheering, how can he only kick out 8 kids?

We argued with the cop with the shitty hairdo for a while before we finally agreed to leave. (It got to the point where the officer was telling Jaclyn he would handcuff her and walk her out. I wish he would've given me that option. My street cred would've skyrocketed.)

Upon leaving I threw my hands in the air and received an uproar of applause from the student section behind me. In that moment I felt untouchable. My fellow convicts and I walked down by the locker rooms until we came out by the main doors of the arena. Lo and behold who is standing there to greet us? None other than my father, Tom Forse. He basically asked the cop why we were being kicked out when Canevin parents were screaming worse things. Of course he used some select, eloquent words to get his point across, but nonetheless we were gone. The eight of us left and ended up coming back a short time later.

Upon arrival back at the arena we stood outside looking in from the glass doors. We decided to set up out own little "Occupy Airport" movement and sat down in front of the doors. After a few minutes sitting there a cop came out to talk to us, not the one who did the kicking out, his slightly larger, more intimidating friend. The cop was extremely reasonable with us. he explained why we had to get kicked out and I understand it.

When you question the power of someone like an officer of the law they have to stay true to their word. If he would've caved and let us stay we would've inevitably gotten rowdier and more obnoxious. I appreciated him coming to talk to us because in the end we're just kids and we didn't mean any harm. That cop understood that, and i understand why we had to leave. After that cop left the cop who kicked us out came over and told us that we could come back in since we were so understanding. That was cool of him to do.

Tonight I was a rule breaker, an occupy member, a fan, a kid in red pants, and in the end just a kid. A kid living life and having a damn good time doing it. I wouldn't change one part of tonight.

Standing up to the applause of my peers was a moment I won't soon forget.

Having my Dad stick up for my friends and I showed me how much my Dad cares.... And how much he likes to argue with any type of rules or figureheads. It's a good feeling knowing your Dad supports you no matter what.

I'm glad I experienced what I did tonight. It felt good sticking up for what I believed in, it felt good being a hooligan if only for ten minutes, and it felt good to be surrounded by friends.

All I can say is I cannot wait for the next hockey game. I'll probably have to sport the red pants again...they seem to be a good luck charm.

I love you guys. Every last one of you. Today I'm turning around this funk I've been in. Enough is enough. Every hour I spend moping is an hour of happiness whisked away for seemingly nothing.

 I had a great time tonight. A car ride with my best friend tops it all off. I can't wait til senior trip for 24 hours worth of driving with my best friends in addition to a week just hanging out being ourselves.

I'm ready to make this summer one of my most memorable.

NP: Live like You Were Dying- Tim McGraw

Trying To Bring Me Down

For some reason everyday seventh period I get put into a bad mood. Today I wasn't having a great day and I came into seventh period thinking optimistically that I could turn it around in there. But no. I was wrong.

My seventh period teacher yells at me for anything I do. If people in class are talking, I'm the one yelled at for it. If nobody is doing their work somehow I must've instigated it all. Today I was sitting there looking at my paper and I was yelled at for not working. I turned around and do you know what I saw? I saw 95% of the class doing the exact same thing, reading their paper. Somehow I needed to "get to work" and they didn't. Makes no sense to me. I've put forth my best effort in that class and always try to speak up and voice an opinion. I'm one of three boys in the class and the other two rarely say anything.

I think my problem is that I'm not like everyone else in my class. I don't mean to offend anyone in my seventh period class who reads this, but I'm not like you guys. They are,for the most part,  extremely artsy, musically gifted kids. I'm not. I play sports and speak my mind. My mind doesn't operate like the rest of that class. I'm not going to say, "Oh My God she's so perfect, I just love her," whenever someone in class gives an insightful answer. And I'm not going to just sit there and let someone go on a feminist rant. Not because I'm an anti-feminist, but because I love arguing and because I have points against their arguments. I'm not going to play dumb and sit in the back of class minding my own business just to avoid conflict.The boys in the other class this teacher has are different from me as well. Most of them fit into the artsy group and those who don't fit that category are the ones who sit there and don't say anything. I refuse to do that.

Frankly I don't care what my teacher thinks of me. I've expressed myself in my writing and through class discussion. They can tell me to be quiet or to pay attention as many times as they want. I'll just laugh it off because I know that everyone else in class is in the same boat as me, they just aren't being reprimanded for it. I don't know where they come from and they don't know where I come from. I'm not there to judge them and if they choose to judge me, then so be it.

I'm just mad that I let it put me in a bad mood.

NP: 99 Problems- Jay Z

A Funking Funk

Yes you could say I'm in a bit of a funk. I hate when I get in these moods because it makes everything worse. I become excessively indifferent, come across as depressed, and constantly think about all the things going wrong.

But I'm not depressed, I'm extremely happy. I really am. I just have a hard time showing it when I get into these moods. Last night is when this mood started and I really felt lousy before I went to bed. I felt extremely detached and upset. But when my mom came in to say good night to me she made me feel better.

My mom knows me better than anyone else in this world. She walked into my room and when I pretended to be asleep she said, "I know you aren't asleep. I'm not stupid." She's right, I wasn't asleep and she's anything but stupid. Mom didn't say anything special to cheer me up, just gave me a back scratch and said her usual "goodnight and pleasant dreams." Something about kissing my mom goodnight on the cheek made me feel better. She's the one woman I always get a goodnight from, and at the end of the day whether good or bad that's all I want. A simple goodnight.

Yesterday I had a great talk with Levi. He had broken up with Eryne because he said he wasn't sure he felt the same as he did before. I commend him for that decision. He wanted to protect her and himself from growing farther apart and eventually having a tough break up. He told me he wasn't sure he was mature enough to continue in a relationship. I think he's nuts for that because of all the kids i know in high school Levi has done more growing up than anyone I can think of. I view him as an extremely mature kid. Sure he likes to indulge sometimes and likes to be a little immature but who doesn't? Immaturity is such a blissful part of high school. Some couple hours after i called and talked to Levi he texted me and asked if there was any shame in going back. I told him no way. There's no shame in going back on something like that. If a break up brings you to tears and has you feeling empty going back to the person is in no way wrong. Those couple hours he was single probably ate at him, made him feel alone, and made him want her back more than ever. Now he has her back, and i'm happy for him. I'm happy he realized that there was something there as more than friends and that he couldn't go a day with her as just a friend. True love is what it's called everybody. It brings a smile to my face seeing it with kids our age. Really does.

One thing I pride myself on is always being there if a friend needs. Saturday night when I was at Jordan's, Dave gave me a call. Right away I could tell something was up, just by the inflection of his words. I asked him what was up and he asked if he could spend the night at my house. He thought all the other guys were spending the night too, but plans had changed since we last talked to Dave. I didn't mind though. Of all my friends, my house is the one open at all hours of night. A call could come in at 3 a.m. and my house would be open. My parents wouldn't even question why someone else was eating breakfast at the kitchen table, they'd simply set another place for them.  I'm excited to get my license because I want to play the role of savior. I want to be the friend everyone calls at any hour to come help them out. Whether it's a friend who needs to talk, or a friend in an undesirable situation at a party, or if it's something more serious like actually protecting someone. I'll jump into my mom's minivan and race my ass to whoever needs me. That's a promise.

The reason I felt so shitey last night was because I finally did something i needed to do. I knew the outcome before I asked and somehow I was still let down. My optimism is beginning to take it's toll on me. I look for a positive in every situation, and sometimes am straight up unreasonable. But that's the way I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately it seems to be getting snagged on everything it touches. I can't call myself heartbroken because luckily I haven't gotten in deep enough for that. Still I put myself into something even when I know deep down I'll get hurt. I must be some sort of masochist. But what I got out of last night's letdown was closure. Whether good or bad, closure is closure. I got a feeling of closure last night. The closure brought tears to my eyes, I'll admit that, but if it hadn't then did it really mean anything in the first place?

Tomorrow is a new day. A day full of promise and wonder. I need to make tomorrow a good day. I think I can. i'd also like to thank a good friend of mine who reminded me last night that this time of our live's is very subject to change. And that setting anything in stone now might be a mistake. She said to not rush into anything and let things work themselves out. She's right. this time is ever-changing and rushing into anything would surely be a suicide mission. But I'll be damned if I wait and let things pass me by. I'm going to work for what I want, take care of the small things, and let the big things work themselves out. "And it's all small stuff."

NP: 

Good Weekend

I had a great weekend.I don't have a lot to say and I'll keep it short tonight so I can get to bed by 9. You all know that Friday I went to WPIALs and yesterday I hung out with Jordan. Today was yet another good day.

After the volleyball tournament I came home and napped and I woke up to a text from a good friend. I went to the mall with them and it was a good time. We always have a good time when we hang out, and today was no different.

I came home from the mall and ate dinner with my family. Something I hadn't done the past three nights which is a rarity. I'm very grateful for the loving family I have around me.

Other good news today held was that Amanda's 100 breast time was good enough to qualify for states. This means she'll have another chance. A chance to redeem herself for her less than desirable time she posted at WPIALs and a chance to earn some points for the team in a race for a state title. Speaking of states I hope to go up for one day or both if possible depending on what I have going on with baseball. If I get the chance I'll definitely be up there watching my friends swim once more.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Spring sports so baseball tryouts start. I'm fairly confident I'll make the varsity team. With that being said I still realize I have to put my all into it. I'm excited to see the team that emerges this week after tryouts. Should be an interesting week to say the least.

Last regular season hockey game is Tuesday night, can't even explain how excited I am for that one. Bishop Canevin, couldn't despise an entire school more than the Bishop Canevin Crusaders. I'm ready for our boys to whoop up.

Obviously I'm tired because this post is sporadic and I can't seem to draw on one topic for more than a few sentences. That's a sign that I need to go lay down and get some sleep. However, like I've said in previous posts. The only thing I'm certain on right now in my life is uncertainty. I'm very uncertain on where I'm at with certain friends. I'm sure that I'm just over thinking it like usual. Tends to be my specialty. Mixed emotions are eating me up. Not sure what to say or how to feel. I'm willing to get hurt, but at what cost?  My mind races but i'm no closer to the finish line or an answer. Talking to Dave last night about my feelings brought me to the conclusion that the thing that kills me is not having a true chance. Whether I deserve it or not or whether or not it will work out remains to be seen. I just like to think a chance would help me.


I'm afraid of being haunted by the words I didn't utter; the words on the tip of my tongue that I swallowed instead of preached. 

So much to say, but the fear of rebuff keeps me mute.

For now these words will be burrowed in the back of my mind, saved for a sunny day where a carefree attitude will let them slip whimsically into your ear. 


NP: Words I Should Have Said- Lupe Fiasco

No Sleep

Sorry for no post last night everyone. I didn't get to bed until late and I had a pretty eventful day yesterday.

I can't remember when I woke up, but after I did I went to PNC with my mom to switch my regular checking account into a virtual wallet. I finally deposited the $1,000 that was sitting in my room in an envelope.

I love going to the bank because it makes me feel like I'm growing up. In a positive sense of growing up. There are things I don't look forward to like the paying bills and taxes part of growing up but something about cashing checks that you worked hard for gives you a sense of accomplishment. Probably because I know there are so many other ways; illegal ways, to make more money doing less work. Sure I could get in on schemes like this and I could probably double or triple my $1,000, but I don't want my name tarnished but such a stupid thing.

After the bank I went home and sat around and took a nap...now if Straka reads this here is my explanation for the so called "hypocrisy" about me taking a nap and saying that they're a waste of time. I really don't like sleeping, but sometimes when sleeping is the only thing keeping you from doing something counterproductive you have to sleep. If I wouldn't have napped yesterday I would have ended up Internet shopping and possibly buying something I didn't need. The nap felt great, by the way.

I went over to Jordan's aunt and uncle's house for her cousin's birthday at 6. I got to meet her aunts, uncles, grandfather, grandma, and her great grandmother too. (Her great grandma is the cutest little, old lady in the world.) We sat around with her family and Anna and just talked for hours on end. It was nice talking to her various family members and just letting them know a little about me.

After awhile Jordan's uncle pulled out his yearbook from senior year. It was crazy looking at all the teachers I've had who went to West A. Seeing a young Coach Cornell, Mr. Shattuck with a full head of hair, Ms. Hutchko, Mrs. Sabin, Jordan's mom, and even Jordan's dad and step dad. All of them within a year of each other.

I'm excited to look back at my year book and see everybody. To show my kids that their dad was actually once an athlete. To show my kids the great friends I had. Hopefully when I have kids those friends will still be active in my life. I think some of them will be. I'm sure they'll look back and say, "Dad did you really wear that to school?" and I'll just smile and explain to them that I wasn't the average high school student and that 2012 was a different time.

No matter how cool we all think we are now, in 20 years our clothes will be obscure, our hairstyles out of style, and even our yearbook will be outdated.

One thing that won't ever slip into obscurity though is the memories we make now, the mark we leave on this school, and the relationships we build.

No matter how outrageous our style may be now, true friendship will never be a fad. It'll never be "uncool." When I look back at my yearbook I'll be able to smile at all the good things I had happening around me.

But I won't be showing that yearbook to any kids for awhile. So for now I'm going to stay busy making more memories. I hope you all do the same.

Finally the title of this post refers to the fact that I didn't get back from Jordan's house until 3:30 am. Dave, Anna, Jordan, and I all watched Crazy, Stupid Love before Dave and I headed home. It was actually a pretty good movie, and was definitely a great end to an amazing day.

The finishing touch was talking to Dave for 2 hours about love and about being given a chance. We're both hopeless romantics, he a lot less hopeless because he has a great girlfriend who he's happy with. Bed at 5:30 and waking up at 7 to come to this middle school volleyball tournament is really setting my sleep pattern for the week for failure.

NP: We Found Love- Rihanna

Another Great Day Comes to an END

Today was my second day at WPIALs and i had a blast again. With my best friend by my side we prepped ourselves for three solid hours of swimming. Mr. Gannon treated us to lunch before we got to the meet and I can honestly say that I love the Gannons. They're great people who have always treated me well. I feel so bad when someone pays for me, but they explained that after three meals with them you become family. I'll take it. Another great family.

The girls did great again. They came in 1st place overall by 92 points. I have become a huge fan of swimming. I think that wherever I go to college I might end up watching swim meets...yeah, you read that right. I'll be going to watch swim meets at college. Amanda did great in the backstroke, capturing the bronze medal. I'm so happy for her, she really and truly deserves it. Ashley won the 100 free and also helped the team win the 400 free relay. Along with Kara, Casey, and Emily of course.

This person deserves their own paragraph. My boy Goga. Anthony is one of the most passionate athletes i have compete at any sport. He loves to swim and he puts his heart and soul into the team. Today all that hard work paid off for him when he set West A's 100 meter breaststroke record. I'm so happy for you Anth. Take it all in buddy because you deserve it more than anyone I know. I hope you makes it to states with the time you got, but if not then Goga you can rest assured knowing you went out on top. A hero in my books both in and out of the pool.

After the meet we went down to see the girls. Jared and I gave Amanda and Ashley flowers(Mrs. Gannon bought them, but we delivered for her.) We went out to Buffalo Wild Wings with the team and parents.

On the way home from dinner I got a weird feeling and it's a feeling I still feel right now. It's about the end. I'll more than likely never get to see another high school swim meet. Soon enough the swimmers' seasons will be over. if any of you guys read this, trust me it isn't as glamorous as it might sound. Having both soccer and football end prematurely this year killed me. It's finally sinking in that I'll never line up in the middle of the field and sing the national anthem next to my best friends before playing a soccer game. That hurts. It hurts bad. Looking back soccer is definitely my favorite sport and I'm truly going to miss it. I don't miss football as much, but I miss the competition. The ache to be better. The thrill of kicking off in front of my home town.

The thing about you girls though is that you didn't underachieve. Not even in the slightest bit. Winning WPIALs is no small task and winning it as handily as you did shows even more about the talent on the team. I know your parents are proud of you, as is the school, the community, and your biggest fan.

Underachievement makes me think of soccer. This past season was our chance. We had probably the most skilled lineup in West Allegheny history. We were so much better than where we finished. Truly the team that could've been. Sure the refs blowing several calls in our last game against Ringgold, but it should have never been a close game. Looking back I wonder how much more deadly Ty would have been if he never hurt his ankle. And if Mr. Amos would have never switched our formation for that game. There are a lot of questions I'd like to go back in time to have answered, but in reality that isn't going to happen. We had our chance and the time has passed. Life goes on I guess...

While things didn't go the way I wanted I don't regret anything about this past season. I know I poured my heart into that team and because I did I got so much out. Soccer gave me a couple younger brothers of sort. Josh Kolarac, Spencer Wolfe, and Zach Graziani. I love those three more than any underclassmen besides my sister. I kinda took Josh under my wing after his freshman year when I saw he was a tenacious little bastard. I wanted Josh to look up to me the way I looked up to his older brother Nick. Wolfey was always super annoying and fun to mess with, but over the past two years I've come to enjoy him. I love the kid to death. We have a ton of inside jokes and he makes me laugh anytime I look at him(probably the damn smirk he is always wearing.) As for Zach, well obviously he is Ty's little brother so I see the most of him. He's just like me and just like Ty in so many ways. He says the most stupid, irrelevant stuff ever and he is just a total goof. The last time I was over the Graziani's iwas laying on the couch when he got home. he proceeded to jump over the couch and give me and awkward hug and then gave Ty and Nacho a kiss on the cheek. Kid's a strange one but I love him to death.

All this thought of the end brings up the idea of high school ending which is a sad sad thought. There's so much I'm going to miss. Just the little things like being able to stroll in late to geometry every first period, or being able to go to gym and just go totally nuts, or just walking by and waving to my friends. I'll miss it all. A lot of people say they can't wait to get out and get away from all the immature people. I embrace the immaturity. It's what high school is based on. Hormonal teenagers being stupid. College is such a different demon. You're on your own. That's what I'm most scared of. Jared's going to Pitt with Dave. Ashley has a whole team to welcome her.  Ethan, Amanda, and I will all be in the same boat. Unless Ethan gets into Pitt that is. I'm scared of it now because I don't know what I'm going to do without my best friends there. I've become so close to them that the thought of separating is sickening. But as they say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

Last thought for tonight is about a new friend I have made. Mr. Jeff Niznik. Mr. Niznik would win the award for "child at heart" if the swim parents had superlatives. Yesterday at the meet he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "T Forse, you ever see that show?" I thought to myself, "Did he really just call me T Forse?' When I realized he had I was thrilled. I had myself a little laugh and started talking to him. I also overheard him talking about a picture he took on his iPhone...today I was lucky enough to see the picture. It was none other than Mr. Niznik with his shirt pulled up over his head reenacting a scene from Beavis and Butthead. "The Great Cornholio."

Mr. Niznik cracks me up. between him and Mrs. Niznik, the avid statistician, the swim team has some real characters for parents.

Last thing I'll say I swear. The Gannons and the Nizniks both have such loving marriages. They both seem so happy with each other and it makes me happy to see. The four of them are great people who deserve to be happy and seem to really make each other happy. I'm not used to that with my parents. They love each other, that much I know, but they don't show it at all. It's weird I guess. Maybe something to discuss another night.


NP: Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy- Fall Out Boy