Today was a good day, I made $110 from mulching, my birthday, and report cards. I got some presents and some ideas. First thing is that my Pap is an amazing guy. He had set up a fund for me a while ago that has since accumulated 8,000 dollars. He said I can use it as spend money at college. Incredible. Truly incredible. Next is my Pap's cousin Billy happens to be a Jesuit priest and my Aunt Lou told us tonight that he worked at Fordham for some period of time. If he can't pull strings to get me in it just wasn't meant to be. Lastly my Aunt Lou is in love with her Mercedes station wagon. It's actually kinda cute how obsessed she is.
Those topics are minuscule in comparison to what's going through my mind right now. I think I might be insane. Albert Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. If that's the case I'm surely insane. I do it to myself which is the sad thing. I put myself in the same situation time and time again and tell myself it's going to be different this time, but it never is.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand this thing called love either. A movie I watched tonight reassured that fact. The movie is about a man who is married for forty some years and after his wife dies he comes out to his son saying he's gay. The man said to have loved his wife, but it's evident at the end he truly loved his partner that he met after she died. It's confusing, love that is. It's also said to be blind...I can attest to that. It seems to be blind and harsh. How can someone fall in love with two totally different people? In the case of this movie it's the difference between a man and a woman but in everyday life it doesn't have to be that complicated. It's insanity to the umph degree. Like I said before, I'm insane.
I guess the best and worst parts about life is that very insanity.
It's the not knowing what's real and what's fake that keep us interested.
It's the constant search and subsequent struggle to understand something that keeps us alive.
It's love that builds us up, love that tears us down, and love that tries to rebuild. Just know the rebuilding process is a long tedious process.
I cannot explain the process to you because I'm a student of it. I'm playing the role of architecture major right now. I'm learning about love every day and I'm becoming increasingly confused.
Tonight I drove home and felt more confused then ever. I can't sleep when I can't understand something and I can't understand a lot of stuff right now. Come to think of it I can't understand anything.
I feel let down in way. By myself mostly. For thinking things change.
I guess I'm just searching for a connection. A feeling like I'm enough. A truly personal relationship.
But that's just me.
How is it that a phone vibration makes me feel useless? I don't get it, but at the same time I do.
It's because I'm becoming accustomed to associating replacement, inadequacy, and lust with a simple vibrate.
Take this all for what it's worth. I'm not sure it's worth anything to you. But it sure as shit is worth something to me.
NP: Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West
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