Last night I stayed up way too late. I got to bed much later than originally planned and the strange thing is... I didn't mind it one bit. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking. And even more than talking and thinking, I listened. The lack of sleep took it's toll today and was evident through my glossy eyes, but I wouldn't change anything about last night.
I figured out something about myself last night. Those who know me know that I have a "restless leg" and that I'm constantly shaking. To some people I'm sure it comes off as nervousness. Maybe nervousness to the point of being dubbed a nervous wreck. I can assure you it isn't nerves. The thing I figured out was that my leg is connected to my brain. My leg shakes when I'm thinking about something. The constant stream of thoughts running through my head corresponds directly with my ever-shaking leg. That means if my leg is shaking, I'm thinking. And if I'm thinking, the chances are it's about something important. The more vigorous my leg shake the more important the topic. Some of my most violent shaking occurs when I think about those I love. So if I love you, and you're on my mind, my leg will be shaking for you.
Lastly for tonight is this. The idea of knowing your position in every situation you are a part of. Everyday we are a part of different interactions with different people in our lives. Some more serious than others, but all of these relationships we are a part of require an understanding.
An understanding of motives, an understanding of where we stand, and an understanding of what we have invested in it. We have to be able to point out what we want out of a certain relationship before we can decide how invested we are. Some relationships are merely friendships and nothing more, some are loose friendships whose only purpose is to keep us company for the time being, and other relationships are ones we expect much more out of. Only you can determine how invested you want to be, but even careful planning doesn't ensure you won't become over invested. Our minds work in strange ways and often times we put our heart places it shouldn't be, places it is susceptible to being hurt. Lastly, understanding where you stand. This can be hard to figure out sometimes, but if you have all the right motives, you'll find yourself standing right where you want.
I know exactly where I stand in my life... The question is, do you?
NP: Forever and Always- Parachute
Monday, April 30, 2012
Long Bus Ride
Well we got outplayed today. Simple as that.
But there are several topics I plan on touching on tonight. The first topic is apologizing. I feel like apologizing is a skill of sorts. Some people have a tough time owning up to what they've done and saying they're sorry.
Then you have people who throw around apologies with no backing behind them. As I've said before; being insincere is a sad, sad thing to be.
And then you'll find those people who apologize for things they don't need to apologize for. Everyone is human, and we all realize that people mess up. An apology isn't needed for every slip up a person has.
The second worst type of apology is one made in hopes of pleasing someone. People often say sorry because they feel obligated to do so. They feel like by saying sorry it will make the other person happy.
In summation don't say sorry unless you mean it. Unless deep down you truly are sorry. An insincere apology only adds to the problem.
I'll leave that like that. More to come later on tonight.
But there are several topics I plan on touching on tonight. The first topic is apologizing. I feel like apologizing is a skill of sorts. Some people have a tough time owning up to what they've done and saying they're sorry.
Then you have people who throw around apologies with no backing behind them. As I've said before; being insincere is a sad, sad thing to be.
And then you'll find those people who apologize for things they don't need to apologize for. Everyone is human, and we all realize that people mess up. An apology isn't needed for every slip up a person has.
The second worst type of apology is one made in hopes of pleasing someone. People often say sorry because they feel obligated to do so. They feel like by saying sorry it will make the other person happy.
In summation don't say sorry unless you mean it. Unless deep down you truly are sorry. An insincere apology only adds to the problem.
I'll leave that like that. More to come later on tonight.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
feeling vs. thinking vs. knowing
A lot of people think that they know a lot. A lot about love, life, and friendship. You quickly find out that these are the people who truly know the least. If someone feels the need to say how much they know about something, in most cases, they don't know shit. Something that drives me absolutely insane is a select few people on Twitter who tweet the most generalized, cliche things about the three aforementioned topics. They say the same few things everyday and just change the wording around a little bit. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I guess, and my opinion is that these people think that they know what they're talking about. In reality, they don't know anything.
Now I won't sit here and lay claim that I know everything about love, life, and friends because I don't. I never said I did.
I have felt love. I still feel it. Everyday. But just because I've felt it doesn't mean I know what it is.
Thinking, feeling, and knowing are three very distinctly different concepts.
Thinking something is the most juvenile. Anyone can think something. You can think whatever you want in this life as long as you have the intelligence level of a first grader. Thinking is an action for those who don't want to take the time to know something.
Feeling something is the next in line in complexity. If thinking is easy to do, feeling is much harder. It's easier to think about love than it is to feel it. Feeling something is amazing. Especially something as cool as love. Being in love with someone is a unique, hard to come by feeling. I know I've felt it and continue to feel it.
Even though I know that I have felt love, I do not know love. Knowing something for certain is the most complex idea of the three. Knowing something is when you can explain it inside and out, describe every last detail of it, and tell other people how to experience it. I can't explain love to you. I can't tell you how to experience it. And I can't really describe it. All I can say about it is that it's out there. And it is wicked cool.
I just remembered what inspired this whole blog. It was a letter written to me by a buddy. In the letter, at the end, he said, "Sometimes it's better not to feel strong, but to know you're strong." That's a very profound thing to say and I agree with him 100%. I know that I'm strong, I don't need to think it. Take strength in whatever sense you'd like, I know my strengths inside and out. I could tell you what makes me strong and what weaknesses I have. There is no thinking involved.
Looking back this might be the most contradictory blog ever written. I denounced those who claim to know a lot about love and then went on and wrote about how I know that I don't know what it is. One thing I know is that I don't know much.
I know myself though, and maybe that's all I need...
NP: Imagine- John Lennon
Now I won't sit here and lay claim that I know everything about love, life, and friends because I don't. I never said I did.
I have felt love. I still feel it. Everyday. But just because I've felt it doesn't mean I know what it is.
Thinking, feeling, and knowing are three very distinctly different concepts.
Thinking something is the most juvenile. Anyone can think something. You can think whatever you want in this life as long as you have the intelligence level of a first grader. Thinking is an action for those who don't want to take the time to know something.
Feeling something is the next in line in complexity. If thinking is easy to do, feeling is much harder. It's easier to think about love than it is to feel it. Feeling something is amazing. Especially something as cool as love. Being in love with someone is a unique, hard to come by feeling. I know I've felt it and continue to feel it.
Even though I know that I have felt love, I do not know love. Knowing something for certain is the most complex idea of the three. Knowing something is when you can explain it inside and out, describe every last detail of it, and tell other people how to experience it. I can't explain love to you. I can't tell you how to experience it. And I can't really describe it. All I can say about it is that it's out there. And it is wicked cool.
I just remembered what inspired this whole blog. It was a letter written to me by a buddy. In the letter, at the end, he said, "Sometimes it's better not to feel strong, but to know you're strong." That's a very profound thing to say and I agree with him 100%. I know that I'm strong, I don't need to think it. Take strength in whatever sense you'd like, I know my strengths inside and out. I could tell you what makes me strong and what weaknesses I have. There is no thinking involved.
Looking back this might be the most contradictory blog ever written. I denounced those who claim to know a lot about love and then went on and wrote about how I know that I don't know what it is. One thing I know is that I don't know much.
I know myself though, and maybe that's all I need...
NP: Imagine- John Lennon
Saturday, April 28, 2012
a storm, a red storm actually
Today was a great day. My family and I woke up at 6 to leave for New York so we could tour St. John's University. I drove the first hour and fifteen minutes so mom didn't have to go seven hours straight.
When I wasn't driving I was either sleeping or playing the role of Sacajawea using the iPhone to navigate our way to Queens.
St. John's was great. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's very open and green for being in New York. They have great school spirit for both their basketball and soccer teams which is something even Fordham didn't really have. Also, at St. John's, I'd be in the honors program which offers incentives like smaller classes, individual help with professors, separate dorms, as well as free tickets from time to time to Yankee games, the ballet, and the opera. Overall it was pretty neat. Meme, my cousin John's friend who gave me the tour, said that it really grew on her after not being her first choice. She also mentioned being able to apply for housing at the Manhattan campus as a sophomore which would be great. Unless of course I decided to get an apartment with John. All in all I loved St. John's and could definitely see myself going there for the next four years. The last thing, that might not appeal to everyone about it, is the fact that it's a dry campus. Not being around alcohol crazed students would be incredibly nice.
Now it's just up to whether or not I get into Fordham.
Even if I do I'm not sure if I'll go. St. John's would be cheaper and as much as nobody in my family wants to admit it, we don't have money. It's an elephant in the room of sorts. One of many elephants in my life. There are constantly things looming in my life that nobody seems to want to talk about. I hate those elephants.
I also hate when you know about something bad that is going to happen beforehand. For instance, you know something is going to end on a certain day. And while you know that day is coming you do everything in your power to avoid talking or thinking about it. Unfortunately out of sight, out of mind doesn't get rid of the fact that it's still reality. Soon enough the day will be here, and this'll be over.
NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5
When I wasn't driving I was either sleeping or playing the role of Sacajawea using the iPhone to navigate our way to Queens.
St. John's was great. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's very open and green for being in New York. They have great school spirit for both their basketball and soccer teams which is something even Fordham didn't really have. Also, at St. John's, I'd be in the honors program which offers incentives like smaller classes, individual help with professors, separate dorms, as well as free tickets from time to time to Yankee games, the ballet, and the opera. Overall it was pretty neat. Meme, my cousin John's friend who gave me the tour, said that it really grew on her after not being her first choice. She also mentioned being able to apply for housing at the Manhattan campus as a sophomore which would be great. Unless of course I decided to get an apartment with John. All in all I loved St. John's and could definitely see myself going there for the next four years. The last thing, that might not appeal to everyone about it, is the fact that it's a dry campus. Not being around alcohol crazed students would be incredibly nice.
Now it's just up to whether or not I get into Fordham.
Even if I do I'm not sure if I'll go. St. John's would be cheaper and as much as nobody in my family wants to admit it, we don't have money. It's an elephant in the room of sorts. One of many elephants in my life. There are constantly things looming in my life that nobody seems to want to talk about. I hate those elephants.
I also hate when you know about something bad that is going to happen beforehand. For instance, you know something is going to end on a certain day. And while you know that day is coming you do everything in your power to avoid talking or thinking about it. Unfortunately out of sight, out of mind doesn't get rid of the fact that it's still reality. Soon enough the day will be here, and this'll be over.
NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5
Friday, April 27, 2012
Awesome
That come from behind win today was simply indescribable. We came back from being down four runs in the bottom of the 7th to win 5-4 in the 11th or 12th inning. I can't remember what inning it was exactly because I'm so drained from the whole thing. It was, by far, the best team win I've ever been a part of. Nobody played extremely well, but we pulled for each other and came out on top in the end. We screamed louder today in the bottom of the 7th than I've ever heard. At one point Gardocki got the other team's pitcher to tell us to shut the f*** up and that we could meet him in the dugout after the game. It was the greatest feeling in the world running out to second base to congratulate AC. He came through in the clutch and it was awesome to see. We have to keep ourselves in a good spot though. Can't let this get us too high. Keep an even keel and go into next week and keep rolling. I'm excited, and while we have a big game Monday, tonight, I am celebrating.
NP: Chillin- Wale ft. Lady Gaga
NP: Chillin- Wale ft. Lady Gaga
Reasons
Why do people do the things they do?
Is it based more on what they want, what they think is right, or is it based on pure impulse?
The idea of needing a reason to do something doesn't sit well with me. I think a person should act on impulse from time to time.
Sometimes the only reason you need is the fact that you want something.
If you spend all your time searching for the right reason, for the "right" thing to do, you'll miss out on great opportunities sitting right next to you.
Act on a whim, think later. I know that sounds backwards, but maybe if we all went for what we wanted the world would be filled with a lot less disappointment.
Then again this is all speculation.
Is it based more on what they want, what they think is right, or is it based on pure impulse?
The idea of needing a reason to do something doesn't sit well with me. I think a person should act on impulse from time to time.
Sometimes the only reason you need is the fact that you want something.
If you spend all your time searching for the right reason, for the "right" thing to do, you'll miss out on great opportunities sitting right next to you.
Act on a whim, think later. I know that sounds backwards, but maybe if we all went for what we wanted the world would be filled with a lot less disappointment.
Then again this is all speculation.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
we should take a walk someday
We really should take a walk someday, that way we don't have to dream what we could've been. We've all dreamed what we could have been. We've all talked that big game. Few of us have taken action.
There is so much I want to say in this post and I doubt I'll say half of what I want. That's because I've said it all before and I'm coming to the realization that some words put down here, some dreams, might not ever become a reality.
I asked earlier at what point does hope become negligence and I finally feel I've found that point. I haven't given up on hope, I've just realized I can't neglect the fact that certain things probably won't happen.
I've also realized that what I want might not be right, and sadly I'm okay with that. Maybe in this case being wrong will work out right. Maybe I need to be wrong to show other people that being right wasn't so right. Or maybe that makes no sense and i'm trying to condone my actions.
The main question from before was how far is too far. I haven't gone too far yet. Not by a long shot. I have so much more to give and to do. Too far is a place I'm willing to venture to for you.
Call me crazy if you want, I'd understand if you did, just know it's all the truth, it has always been.
I don't usually wish, but this 11:11 I'm going to. I'm going to wish for the same thing I did when I blew out the candles on my eighteenth birthday.
I took my time on that wish. I wished for something I want worse than anything. That wish is still in the process of coming true. I know I'm doing all I can to make it come true, and if you think of anything else I can do, please let me know.
Still waiting on a chance.
NP: So Good- B.o.B
There is so much I want to say in this post and I doubt I'll say half of what I want. That's because I've said it all before and I'm coming to the realization that some words put down here, some dreams, might not ever become a reality.
I asked earlier at what point does hope become negligence and I finally feel I've found that point. I haven't given up on hope, I've just realized I can't neglect the fact that certain things probably won't happen.
I've also realized that what I want might not be right, and sadly I'm okay with that. Maybe in this case being wrong will work out right. Maybe I need to be wrong to show other people that being right wasn't so right. Or maybe that makes no sense and i'm trying to condone my actions.
The main question from before was how far is too far. I haven't gone too far yet. Not by a long shot. I have so much more to give and to do. Too far is a place I'm willing to venture to for you.
Call me crazy if you want, I'd understand if you did, just know it's all the truth, it has always been.
I don't usually wish, but this 11:11 I'm going to. I'm going to wish for the same thing I did when I blew out the candles on my eighteenth birthday.
I took my time on that wish. I wished for something I want worse than anything. That wish is still in the process of coming true. I know I'm doing all I can to make it come true, and if you think of anything else I can do, please let me know.
Still waiting on a chance.
NP: So Good- B.o.B
What If?
What drives me crazy is how certain things in life play out.
I say I don't have any regrets in life, but I have a few.
One I feel comfortable sharing with you is how I underachieved this past year. I told myself I would work hard, play well, and get a football scholarship to help my mom pay for college. The disappointment stems from not playing my junior year thanks to tearing my quad. Funny how something as minor as running through the waves at the beach could potentially cost me thousands and thousands of dollars. I worked as hard as I could to get my leg back to full strength, but it was never the same. Sadly, I don't think it ever will be either. That's my biggest regret/disappointment. I wanted to pay for my schooling and make my mom and Dad proud of me. I wanted them to be able to come and visit me and watch me play. That won't be happening though.
What if I never tore my quad?
But like I told someone the other day, what ifs will kill you.
I say I don't have any regrets in life, but I have a few.
One I feel comfortable sharing with you is how I underachieved this past year. I told myself I would work hard, play well, and get a football scholarship to help my mom pay for college. The disappointment stems from not playing my junior year thanks to tearing my quad. Funny how something as minor as running through the waves at the beach could potentially cost me thousands and thousands of dollars. I worked as hard as I could to get my leg back to full strength, but it was never the same. Sadly, I don't think it ever will be either. That's my biggest regret/disappointment. I wanted to pay for my schooling and make my mom and Dad proud of me. I wanted them to be able to come and visit me and watch me play. That won't be happening though.
What if I never tore my quad?
But like I told someone the other day, what ifs will kill you.
How Far?
How far is too far? At what point does hope become negligence? When does what I want conflict with what is right?
These answers elude me.
I want to do right by those around me and at the same time I want to be as happy as I can be. I want to take a chance, I want to explore all possibilities, and I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I'm coming to the realization that I despise letting people down. I also detest compromising my morals. The idea of going back on my word makes me ill, and if I am wronged in any way I refuse to ever hurt someone the way I was hurt.
There are problems with being so headstrong about keeping your word. Sometimes it might hold me back from a situation that could end up being extremely enjoyable...but for the most part sticking to my word has helped me out so I can't complain.
I want to take a chance. Just gotta think of that chance first.
NP: Unwell- Matchbox 20
These answers elude me.
I want to do right by those around me and at the same time I want to be as happy as I can be. I want to take a chance, I want to explore all possibilities, and I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I'm coming to the realization that I despise letting people down. I also detest compromising my morals. The idea of going back on my word makes me ill, and if I am wronged in any way I refuse to ever hurt someone the way I was hurt.
There are problems with being so headstrong about keeping your word. Sometimes it might hold me back from a situation that could end up being extremely enjoyable...but for the most part sticking to my word has helped me out so I can't complain.
I want to take a chance. Just gotta think of that chance first.
NP: Unwell- Matchbox 20
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
A Strange Feeling
Today I was overcome with a feeling I don't usually feel. It was a feeling of wanting to be feared. Maybe that isn't exactly right though. It isn't so much wanting to be feared as it is being recognized. Recognized as a threat. I guess when push comes to shove I just want to be noticed. I want to be known.
In some aspects I'm well known. In others I'm not.
Even though I say I'm "well known." I don't think I'm really known at all. I'm more or less observed and taken in at a face value. Few people really know me and until you hang out with me you'll never fully understand me. I'm a very strange individual. My best friends will agree with that.
I first said I wanted to be feared, and maybe I wasn't that far off. I would like it if some people knew I was there. Knew they weren't invincible and that they were replaceable. A certain type of person drives me crazy. People who get comfortable. There is nothing wrong with feeling comfortable in a situation, but you should never get to the point where you feel irreplaceable.
I guess I'm a sucker for change now. For the longest time I was that comfortable kid. I lived a lull of a life where I never did anything spontaneous or out of the ordinary.
Now I look for opportunities to do things out of my comfort zone.
I want to be feared by some, loved by more, and recognized by all. I don't care if I'm accepted by any.
Today in English someone told me they voted me for prom court because I was the only logical choice. That comment made me laugh. Maybe I am recognized by more people than I think...
If I've said it once I've said it 100 times. I want to leave my mark. That's something that will never change.
NP: When You Were Young- The Killers
In some aspects I'm well known. In others I'm not.
Even though I say I'm "well known." I don't think I'm really known at all. I'm more or less observed and taken in at a face value. Few people really know me and until you hang out with me you'll never fully understand me. I'm a very strange individual. My best friends will agree with that.
I first said I wanted to be feared, and maybe I wasn't that far off. I would like it if some people knew I was there. Knew they weren't invincible and that they were replaceable. A certain type of person drives me crazy. People who get comfortable. There is nothing wrong with feeling comfortable in a situation, but you should never get to the point where you feel irreplaceable.
I guess I'm a sucker for change now. For the longest time I was that comfortable kid. I lived a lull of a life where I never did anything spontaneous or out of the ordinary.
Now I look for opportunities to do things out of my comfort zone.
I want to be feared by some, loved by more, and recognized by all. I don't care if I'm accepted by any.
Today in English someone told me they voted me for prom court because I was the only logical choice. That comment made me laugh. Maybe I am recognized by more people than I think...
If I've said it once I've said it 100 times. I want to leave my mark. That's something that will never change.
NP: When You Were Young- The Killers
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
a moment: mother and son
I had no idea what I was going to blog about tonight until I got home. Actually even when I got home I wasn't sure. It didn't hit me until ten minutes ago when I went up to my mom's room to say goodnight to her.
She reminded me of my various tasks for tomorrow and came to give me a hug goodnight. I asked her if I could have a small back scratch.
She pulled me in for a hug and told me I might as well scratch her back too.
I stood there, about a head taller than my mom and scratched her back. The saying you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours couldn't have been portrayed any more perfectly.
The back scratch only lasted about a minute, but in those sixty seconds a thousand thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. Thoughts of leaving my mom.
In a minute long embrace my mind was flooded with all the things I'll miss about my mom when I'm gone next year. She'll only be a phone call away but there are certain things I won't be able to replace. Like her back scratches, her cooking, her dry sense of humor, and her overall understanding of me. My mom knows me so well. She can read my idiosyncrasies like no other. My mom lets me live my life on my terms and she trusts me to make the right decisions.
In those 60 seconds where my mom had her head against my chin I felt closer to her than I have in the long time. The last time my mom and I really had a moment was five months ago. That moment was a tear jerker. She only said six words, "How bad did she hurt you?" And that's all she needed to say.
My mom is one of my best friends, and I don't care how uncool that sounds because it's the truth. I'll never love a girl as much as I love my mom. One day I'll find one who will come pretty close, and I hope that girl becomes my wife.
My mom is a beautiful woman, a dreamer, a realist, a cook, a provider, an educator, and a mother.
She's funny, honest, educated, eloquent, hard of hearing, short, motherly, and goodhearted.
She's many things, and above all, at this point in my life, she's a mother to me. One day I'll cross the stage where my mom is really a friend, but she'll always be my mother before anything else.
Funny how a back scratch sent me on this spiel, I guess that's what represents my mom the most to me.
I love you ma.
NP:Imagine- Jack Johnson
She reminded me of my various tasks for tomorrow and came to give me a hug goodnight. I asked her if I could have a small back scratch.
She pulled me in for a hug and told me I might as well scratch her back too.
I stood there, about a head taller than my mom and scratched her back. The saying you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours couldn't have been portrayed any more perfectly.
The back scratch only lasted about a minute, but in those sixty seconds a thousand thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. Thoughts of leaving my mom.
In a minute long embrace my mind was flooded with all the things I'll miss about my mom when I'm gone next year. She'll only be a phone call away but there are certain things I won't be able to replace. Like her back scratches, her cooking, her dry sense of humor, and her overall understanding of me. My mom knows me so well. She can read my idiosyncrasies like no other. My mom lets me live my life on my terms and she trusts me to make the right decisions.
In those 60 seconds where my mom had her head against my chin I felt closer to her than I have in the long time. The last time my mom and I really had a moment was five months ago. That moment was a tear jerker. She only said six words, "How bad did she hurt you?" And that's all she needed to say.
My mom is one of my best friends, and I don't care how uncool that sounds because it's the truth. I'll never love a girl as much as I love my mom. One day I'll find one who will come pretty close, and I hope that girl becomes my wife.
My mom is a beautiful woman, a dreamer, a realist, a cook, a provider, an educator, and a mother.
She's funny, honest, educated, eloquent, hard of hearing, short, motherly, and goodhearted.
She's many things, and above all, at this point in my life, she's a mother to me. One day I'll cross the stage where my mom is really a friend, but she'll always be my mother before anything else.
Funny how a back scratch sent me on this spiel, I guess that's what represents my mom the most to me.
I love you ma.
NP:Imagine- Jack Johnson
Lyrical
Some song lyrics hit me hard. Some just strike a chord and I can't help but listen to them nonstop. These lyrics I'm posting are lyrics that I love for one reason or another. Some, I feel, apply to my life and certain situations in my life. Others might just be lyrics I find special. I'll put as many as I can think of.
Tell me what you really want from me,
Point blank no discussion.
-No Interruption by Hoodie Allen
And tell me one time that you want me.
I promise that I won’t say nothing.
-No Interruption by Hoodie Allen
We should take a walk someday
Dream about what we could've been
-No Faith In Brooklyn by Hoodie Allen
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
-Payphone by Maroon 5 and Wiz
Still stucked in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise
-Payphone by Maroon 5 and Wiz
You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire
-Desire by Ryan Adams
You were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you I didn't mind
-Do You Remember by Jack Johnson
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
-I Miss You by Blink 182
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head
Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Tell me what you really want from me,
Point blank no discussion.
-No Interruption by Hoodie Allen
And tell me one time that you want me.
I promise that I won’t say nothing.
-No Interruption by Hoodie Allen
We should take a walk someday
Dream about what we could've been
-No Faith In Brooklyn by Hoodie Allen
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
-Payphone by Maroon 5 and Wiz
Still stucked in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise
-Payphone by Maroon 5 and Wiz
You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire
-Desire by Ryan Adams
You were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you I didn't mind
-Do You Remember by Jack Johnson
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
-I Miss You by Blink 182
The voice inside my head
-I Miss You by Blink 182
Would it be okay,
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
-You Had Me At Hello
Or her to second guess
-Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
-I Will Follow You Into The Dark
These are just a few of my favorite lyrics that I can think of off the top of my head. I'll come back with some more later, so check back around 11 or so.
NP: All of the above. Actually listen to this...pure genius.
Early Morning Thoughts
I woke up this morning and, as always, a million things came to mind. A million questions came up about different dreams I've had. The questions take a toll on me, but I've came up with a solution.
The solution is this: It's time to let the questions that haunt me in my dreams answer themselves.
No amount of wondering and asking myself will give me a sure answer. If the questions are ever going to be answered, and the problems ever going to be resolved, then they will answer themselves.
As I've said before dreams are wondrous and woeful, but what I'm learning now is something even more true.
Dreams we dream while asleep are not nearly as painful as ones we dream while awake.
Dreams that are dreamt during the day, not even day dreams per say, but rather dreams we recognize while we're awake, are the hardest to ignore and the ones we want to fulfill the most.
Dream on, but don't question it, let the answers come to you.
NP: I Miss You- Blink 182
The solution is this: It's time to let the questions that haunt me in my dreams answer themselves.
No amount of wondering and asking myself will give me a sure answer. If the questions are ever going to be answered, and the problems ever going to be resolved, then they will answer themselves.
As I've said before dreams are wondrous and woeful, but what I'm learning now is something even more true.
Dreams we dream while asleep are not nearly as painful as ones we dream while awake.
Dreams that are dreamt during the day, not even day dreams per say, but rather dreams we recognize while we're awake, are the hardest to ignore and the ones we want to fulfill the most.
Dream on, but don't question it, let the answers come to you.
NP: I Miss You- Blink 182
Monday, April 23, 2012
Can't Complain
Life is good. Waiting to hear from Fordham is my only noticeable worry. God, it'd be nice to get it. If not, we're visiting St. John's this weekend and I'm hoping I like it as much as I think I will.
If I do, that's where I'll be next year if I'm not at Fordham.
Like I said, I don't have much to say because life seems to be working it's way out.
There are still certain things I think about every single day. Still thoughts and feelings I can't ignore. For the most part though, I am happy. The things I think about everyday are what keep me intrigued and keep me going. They're the things that make my mind wander and keep me borderline insane.
Insanity isn't such a bad thing from what I hear. Still it'd be nice to know exactly where I'm at.
In the here and now I know who my best friends are, I know the people I truly love in my life, and I know who's worth fighting for and who isn't.
I've accepted my position in my life and in the life of those I associate with and it feels great. A part of me still asks where I am in some people's eyes.
I wonder what you all think about me. I wonder if you approve of me. If you love me. If you want to keep me close to you. If it's really how it appears. Or if it's all some act.
Questions, questions, questions, they'll drive you crazy if you let them. Ask them, but don't dwell on them. If someone wants to answer them, they will.
NP: Love- Matt White
If I do, that's where I'll be next year if I'm not at Fordham.
Like I said, I don't have much to say because life seems to be working it's way out.
There are still certain things I think about every single day. Still thoughts and feelings I can't ignore. For the most part though, I am happy. The things I think about everyday are what keep me intrigued and keep me going. They're the things that make my mind wander and keep me borderline insane.
Insanity isn't such a bad thing from what I hear. Still it'd be nice to know exactly where I'm at.
In the here and now I know who my best friends are, I know the people I truly love in my life, and I know who's worth fighting for and who isn't.
I've accepted my position in my life and in the life of those I associate with and it feels great. A part of me still asks where I am in some people's eyes.
I wonder what you all think about me. I wonder if you approve of me. If you love me. If you want to keep me close to you. If it's really how it appears. Or if it's all some act.
Questions, questions, questions, they'll drive you crazy if you let them. Ask them, but don't dwell on them. If someone wants to answer them, they will.
NP: Love- Matt White
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Give It Up
This isn't about giving up on something, but rather about giving yourself up. In a sacrificial way almost.
I'm not sure what brought this whole thing up but here goes.
We all work towards building a reputation for ourselves and trying to achieve some sort of respect level among our peers. You're lying if you say you don't. But for me at least, there are some situations where I would sacrifice the name I've built to save someone else.
Whether I was in the wrong or not I would allow someone to throw me under the bus to save themselves. I mean that sincerely. If it ever came down to it, I would much rather my name be tarnished than theirs. Even if they had messed up and I was merely a bystander I'd still give myself up for them.
I've always said that I was willing to fight for what I thought was right and I still attest to that. I would, in certain instances, have myself made out to be the bad guy and forced into a fighting situation to protect someone else's namesake.
That statement rings true for anyone I love in my life.
They say your name is the one thing you are born with and you'll die with, but even a name can be sacrificed for someone you care about. I know I'd let my name be mentioned negatively before a friend of mine's was.
In the end this blog is for me, for me giving myself up for you, so I guess it really is for you....whoever you are.
Electrifying is a great word by the way.
NP: Beautiful Disaster: Jon Mclaughlin
I'm not sure what brought this whole thing up but here goes.
We all work towards building a reputation for ourselves and trying to achieve some sort of respect level among our peers. You're lying if you say you don't. But for me at least, there are some situations where I would sacrifice the name I've built to save someone else.
Whether I was in the wrong or not I would allow someone to throw me under the bus to save themselves. I mean that sincerely. If it ever came down to it, I would much rather my name be tarnished than theirs. Even if they had messed up and I was merely a bystander I'd still give myself up for them.
I've always said that I was willing to fight for what I thought was right and I still attest to that. I would, in certain instances, have myself made out to be the bad guy and forced into a fighting situation to protect someone else's namesake.
That statement rings true for anyone I love in my life.
They say your name is the one thing you are born with and you'll die with, but even a name can be sacrificed for someone you care about. I know I'd let my name be mentioned negatively before a friend of mine's was.
In the end this blog is for me, for me giving myself up for you, so I guess it really is for you....whoever you are.
Electrifying is a great word by the way.
NP: Beautiful Disaster: Jon Mclaughlin
Quickie
I just wanted to post about what I just watched on The Amazing Race. It basically summed up the economic idea of opportunity cost.
Opportunity cost is defined on Wikipedia.org as the cost of any activity measured in terms of the value of the next best alternative forgone (that is not chosen). It is the sacrifice related to the second best choice available to someone.
Basically it's making a choice, like not going to college so that one can make money immediately. Or choosing to go to college to make more money down the road.
The choice the man was faced with was finishing a dance or not. Sure it sounds trivial, but in context it was anything but. The man, whose partner is his best friend, had to perform an Indian dance to be able to move on to the finish line. The man was fatigued and on the verge of heat stroke when he asked himself the question, "Is the chance of winning a million dollars worth the risk of never seeing my kids again?"
He decided that there was no way that a million dollars was worth not walking his daughter down the aisle or seeing one of his son's ballgames.
His friend told him it was okay to give up.
His friend told him that they came in as friends and were leaving as friends and that was enough for him.
The man couldn't stand the idea of letting his friend down though and he went back to finish. Taking the time to rest allowed him to finally get the dance right and the two moved to the finish line.
It might sound contradictory that the man said his children were worth more and then he went back to finish, but I think he showed resiliency. He was afraid of death, but more afraid of letting down his friend.
And even though we're always told to live for ourselves, sometimes it's okay to live for somebody else, to put somebody else before yourself. Sometimes it's okay to care more about letting a friend down than worry about compromising yourself.
NP: Desire- Ryan Adams
Opportunity cost is defined on Wikipedia.org as the cost of any activity measured in terms of the value of the next best alternative forgone (that is not chosen). It is the sacrifice related to the second best choice available to someone.
Basically it's making a choice, like not going to college so that one can make money immediately. Or choosing to go to college to make more money down the road.
The choice the man was faced with was finishing a dance or not. Sure it sounds trivial, but in context it was anything but. The man, whose partner is his best friend, had to perform an Indian dance to be able to move on to the finish line. The man was fatigued and on the verge of heat stroke when he asked himself the question, "Is the chance of winning a million dollars worth the risk of never seeing my kids again?"
He decided that there was no way that a million dollars was worth not walking his daughter down the aisle or seeing one of his son's ballgames.
His friend told him it was okay to give up.
His friend told him that they came in as friends and were leaving as friends and that was enough for him.
The man couldn't stand the idea of letting his friend down though and he went back to finish. Taking the time to rest allowed him to finally get the dance right and the two moved to the finish line.
It might sound contradictory that the man said his children were worth more and then he went back to finish, but I think he showed resiliency. He was afraid of death, but more afraid of letting down his friend.
And even though we're always told to live for ourselves, sometimes it's okay to live for somebody else, to put somebody else before yourself. Sometimes it's okay to care more about letting a friend down than worry about compromising yourself.
NP: Desire- Ryan Adams
Great Weekend
This weekend has ended up being one of the best I've had in as long as I can remember. Complete and utter happiness is what I've been feeling the past two days. Friday night was great, as I mentioned yesterday, and yesterday was a swell day too. After I left Ashley's I drove down to the South Side to meet mom, Jen, Uncle Joe, Aunt Maureen, and Maura. I spent more time in Forever 21 with them than I had planned, but it's all in good fun. I did go into Urban Outfitters but I didn't buy anything, not unusual for my stingy self. After walking around down there we went to the aviary because the movie theater posted the wrong times for the Hunger games. The aviary was pretty chill. There were birds all over the place! After spending some time with the birds we went back to Pap's before heading out to the Carlton for dinner. Oh the things I'd do to be able to afford to eat at the Carlton on a regular basis. Pap dropped around $625 after all was said and done...that would wipe out almost half of my savings...scary stuff.
Dinner was great, the day before that was great, and dessert back at Pap's was great too. Right before we left Pap's, Joyce and Pap asked about visiting Drexel and when I said that we were probably only going to look at St. John's they nearly had a conniption. They ranted about not giving Drexel a fair chance and blah and blah and blah. I heard them out on what they had to say, it's just that this is my decision. And if I like St. John's when I get there, that's where I'll go. That's next weekend's plan, visit college.
It's approaching fast, college that is, and I'm getting a little nervous. The other night Ashley said that in almost exactly four months she'll be leaving for college, and same goes for Amanda and probably Ty too. Last night Ashley asked who of our group of friends i thought I'd stay close to and when I answered I individually named each person. I didn't even realize it, but I said that I thought I'd still be close to them all. I'm not sure whether that's excessive optimism, the truth, or a wicked fairy tale. I hope it ends up being the truth. I love these guys and I want to keep them in my life.
Last night I got to bed really late because i got home really late, but I got six hours so I'm ready to go. I'm a huge fan of the freedoms my parents give me. I feel I've earned them over time and that they trust me not to abuse them. Driving home late at night is something they're fully confident letting me do which is really nice because it allows me to see my friends as much as I want.
Well that's all for now guys. I'll report back later tonight.
Enjoy yourself today everybody because tomorrow will never come if you don't live out today.
NP: No Interruption- Hoodie Allen
Dinner was great, the day before that was great, and dessert back at Pap's was great too. Right before we left Pap's, Joyce and Pap asked about visiting Drexel and when I said that we were probably only going to look at St. John's they nearly had a conniption. They ranted about not giving Drexel a fair chance and blah and blah and blah. I heard them out on what they had to say, it's just that this is my decision. And if I like St. John's when I get there, that's where I'll go. That's next weekend's plan, visit college.
It's approaching fast, college that is, and I'm getting a little nervous. The other night Ashley said that in almost exactly four months she'll be leaving for college, and same goes for Amanda and probably Ty too. Last night Ashley asked who of our group of friends i thought I'd stay close to and when I answered I individually named each person. I didn't even realize it, but I said that I thought I'd still be close to them all. I'm not sure whether that's excessive optimism, the truth, or a wicked fairy tale. I hope it ends up being the truth. I love these guys and I want to keep them in my life.
Last night I got to bed really late because i got home really late, but I got six hours so I'm ready to go. I'm a huge fan of the freedoms my parents give me. I feel I've earned them over time and that they trust me not to abuse them. Driving home late at night is something they're fully confident letting me do which is really nice because it allows me to see my friends as much as I want.
Well that's all for now guys. I'll report back later tonight.
Enjoy yourself today everybody because tomorrow will never come if you don't live out today.
NP: No Interruption- Hoodie Allen
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Mr. West A
Last night Jenny, Ty, and I went to Mr. West A to watch the senior boys duke it out for first place. It was my first time going to a Mr. West A and I really enjoyed myself. The show as a whole was funny and exciting.
Dave performed the song he has for the past four years at every bonfire, If It Means A Lot To You. It was as good as always and it was cute because he incorporated Emily, his girlfriend, in it this time. I'm glad to see Dave happy with her. It's been a long time coming but I feel like he met a girl that suits him pretty well. Dave doesn't get to hang out with us all as much any more because of his relationship, but I was in a relationship once and know that it takes time. I'm not worried about losing him as a friend at all. I'm not going anywhere and I know he's still there, I hope he knows I'm still here for him.
Dylan danced with his grandma for his talent which was just beautiful.
I'd do anything to get the chance to dance with my Nan...hopefully someday I will.
Levi's talent was a dance/contortion/split show type deal. It was really neat and pretty disturbing at the same time. Every time he did a split my crotch cried for him. Overall it was impressive.
Jared played the piano and sang the Rainbow Connection for his talent. Dr. DiSanti accompanied him and it was by far my favorite act. The song was great and while he was playing there was a slideshow running that basically summed up our years together. The slide show featured all sorts of pictures of Jared from high school years. I found myself in quite a few of them and the slideshow almost brought me to tears. It showed me just how much I'm going to miss not just Jared, but all my friends next year. It also showed me how neat it is that I got to make such a great friend. A kid who moved here in fifth grade from the chocolate capital of the world and over time became my best friend. Jared really is a great friend, and I'm glad to have shared all the memories I have with him.
I'd give you a full summary of the show but those where the only parts that really struck me as important.
After the show we all went to eat at Five Guys and Levi, Jared, Amanda, and myself went over to Ashley's to spend the night. I blogged about not getting enough sleep and then proceeded to stay up until 4:30 in the morning. I'm not complaining now though, times like last night make me realize how fortunate I am to have such great friends.
Now I get to go see my Aunt Maureen and cousin Maura and spend the day with them. This is shaping up to be an amazing weekend.
I love you all.
NP: The Rainbow Connection- Jared and Dr. DiSanti
Friday, April 20, 2012
sleep is on her way
Still up, but why? My body needs the rest, my mind needs the rest, my whole being seemingly needs the rest. But I sit here and keep my eyes open still. Not waiting, not wishing, just accepting. Truly accepting where I am in my life.
In a while I'll be asleep. But for now I'm awake. Awake in a sense of not asleep and in a sense of awake to the good things and people around me.
One thing that I really want to do before I graduate is give the graduation speech. I don't know if I can though, being that I might not be in the top 10% of our class. Personally I feel that not being in that top 10% lends me a better view of our grade as a whole. Oh well, only time will tell if I get to deliver that speech on June 1st. Keep em crossed for me.
NP: You Are Not A Robot. Hoodie Allen
In a while I'll be asleep. But for now I'm awake. Awake in a sense of not asleep and in a sense of awake to the good things and people around me.
One thing that I really want to do before I graduate is give the graduation speech. I don't know if I can though, being that I might not be in the top 10% of our class. Personally I feel that not being in that top 10% lends me a better view of our grade as a whole. Oh well, only time will tell if I get to deliver that speech on June 1st. Keep em crossed for me.
NP: You Are Not A Robot. Hoodie Allen
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Procrastination
I waited way too long to do my illumination project. Luckily my momma is a trooper and helped me through it. I'm still unsure of how I'll do on it but I could care less. What matters is this blog.
I'm not sure where I want to take this post.
Earlier I was leaning towards a pessimist approach where I planned on complaining about troubles at home.
In the here and now I don't feel like doing that though. I feel that nobody wants to hear about those things. And even if they do, I'm not sure I'd open up to many people about them. If you care enough, feel free to ask.
I said earlier to someone that I had a lot on my mind and that I'd post two blogs. Until they reminded me about the second one I hadn't started this. Now here I am rambling about nothing...sorry about that.
The main thing weighing on me is the feeling that everything around me is superficial and unimportant. I feel that only my friends and family are worth anything. I have seemingly lost my will to work. I feel my mind slipping in every class. I can't focus for more than a couple minutes.
But there is always one thing on my mind. One thing buried deep down. A sickening thought; a thought of hope. Of a possibility. Of a chance. I'll keep that hope until the day comes where all hope is lost or that chance is finally mine. All I want is a day. All I need is a day. A day can be so much to ask for though...maybe too much to ask for. But as I said before, I'll keep dreaming.
And if I keep dreaming, I keep that hope alive, and I also keep you alive. And possibly, us alive.
Now sleep, and dream, and wonder. Because sleeping, dreaming, and wondering help keep us going.
I'm not sure where I want to take this post.
Earlier I was leaning towards a pessimist approach where I planned on complaining about troubles at home.
In the here and now I don't feel like doing that though. I feel that nobody wants to hear about those things. And even if they do, I'm not sure I'd open up to many people about them. If you care enough, feel free to ask.
I said earlier to someone that I had a lot on my mind and that I'd post two blogs. Until they reminded me about the second one I hadn't started this. Now here I am rambling about nothing...sorry about that.
The main thing weighing on me is the feeling that everything around me is superficial and unimportant. I feel that only my friends and family are worth anything. I have seemingly lost my will to work. I feel my mind slipping in every class. I can't focus for more than a couple minutes.
But there is always one thing on my mind. One thing buried deep down. A sickening thought; a thought of hope. Of a possibility. Of a chance. I'll keep that hope until the day comes where all hope is lost or that chance is finally mine. All I want is a day. All I need is a day. A day can be so much to ask for though...maybe too much to ask for. But as I said before, I'll keep dreaming.
And if I keep dreaming, I keep that hope alive, and I also keep you alive. And possibly, us alive.
Now sleep, and dream, and wonder. Because sleeping, dreaming, and wondering help keep us going.
A Beautiful Mind?
I got around to thinking today, I notice a lot.
I notice things I doubt many other people notice. Maybe it's because I'm constantly looking for something. Something on people, something in people, and more than anything, something about people.
The other day I pulled up to the stoplight and looked over at the car next to me. It was a man and woman sitting next to each other. The man wore fatigues and the woman had on a hoodie. Instantly my eyes darted to the woman's left hand. You see the woman was driving and had her hand on the wheel, I just wanted to see if these two were married. After focusing in I saw what appeared to be a small diamond poking up from behind her middle finger. That answered that question. From there my mind wandered to if in fact these two were married or if perhaps they were friends or even brother and sister... unfortunately the light turned green before I could break down the situation anymore.
Just today I realized that I remember a lot of things. Mostly things people say. They aren't significant life perspective type things either. They're little things people often say in passing, many times not even directed at me. Call it eavesdropping if you must, I prefer to think of it as listening for the little things. I tend to remember things I want to remember. And I also remember when someone I like speaks. So if I like you, and you're talking, bets are I'm listening.
Something brought this idea to mind a little while ago. I think it has something to do with people passing out senior pictures to everyone at school. I don't think I'll give any out, I don't think I'm very photogenic and I don't think a picture of me represents me that well.
This is the thing...
I may not be such a memorable face, but I feel I have a memorable mind...and after all the movie wasn't called a beautiful face was it? A beautiful mind trumps a beautiful face any day of the week and twice on Sunday. If you want a picture of me, ask. But I'd much rather have a good conversation.
NP: No Faith In Brooklyn- Hoodie Allen
I notice things I doubt many other people notice. Maybe it's because I'm constantly looking for something. Something on people, something in people, and more than anything, something about people.
The other day I pulled up to the stoplight and looked over at the car next to me. It was a man and woman sitting next to each other. The man wore fatigues and the woman had on a hoodie. Instantly my eyes darted to the woman's left hand. You see the woman was driving and had her hand on the wheel, I just wanted to see if these two were married. After focusing in I saw what appeared to be a small diamond poking up from behind her middle finger. That answered that question. From there my mind wandered to if in fact these two were married or if perhaps they were friends or even brother and sister... unfortunately the light turned green before I could break down the situation anymore.
Just today I realized that I remember a lot of things. Mostly things people say. They aren't significant life perspective type things either. They're little things people often say in passing, many times not even directed at me. Call it eavesdropping if you must, I prefer to think of it as listening for the little things. I tend to remember things I want to remember. And I also remember when someone I like speaks. So if I like you, and you're talking, bets are I'm listening.
Something brought this idea to mind a little while ago. I think it has something to do with people passing out senior pictures to everyone at school. I don't think I'll give any out, I don't think I'm very photogenic and I don't think a picture of me represents me that well.
This is the thing...
I may not be such a memorable face, but I feel I have a memorable mind...and after all the movie wasn't called a beautiful face was it? A beautiful mind trumps a beautiful face any day of the week and twice on Sunday. If you want a picture of me, ask. But I'd much rather have a good conversation.
NP: No Faith In Brooklyn- Hoodie Allen
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Payphone.
This song by Maroon 5 and Wiz is awesome. I don't care if it's corny, the Maroon 5 lyrics in it are just spot on. I could listen to it for hours. I think I might just do that.
I have nothing else astounding to wow you with tonight. To say my mind isn't operating at full capacity would be an understatement.
Our game today was a gut check. We fought hard, but in the end we didn't pitch well and we got shafted by the umps at the very end. Luckily we get another shot at them at our place.
As the days pass the amount of insincerity I see is growing. Also hypocrisy at an all time high.
But as the Counting Crows would say, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone."
My question to all of you reading this is when I'm gone will you miss me? Will there be words you wanted to say that you never did? Will I be that regret in the back of your mind?
Most likely not, but the point is that one day, like it or not, I'll be gone...
Just don't take people for granted, I guess that's the main point here.
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5 ft. Wiz
I have nothing else astounding to wow you with tonight. To say my mind isn't operating at full capacity would be an understatement.
Our game today was a gut check. We fought hard, but in the end we didn't pitch well and we got shafted by the umps at the very end. Luckily we get another shot at them at our place.
As the days pass the amount of insincerity I see is growing. Also hypocrisy at an all time high.
But as the Counting Crows would say, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone."
My question to all of you reading this is when I'm gone will you miss me? Will there be words you wanted to say that you never did? Will I be that regret in the back of your mind?
Most likely not, but the point is that one day, like it or not, I'll be gone...
Just don't take people for granted, I guess that's the main point here.
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5 ft. Wiz
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Pure Ecstasy
See, all you dope fiends probably had your hopes up this blog was about some mind altering drugs. Wrong.
It's about ecstasy is terms of pure delight and joy. I called my cousin John tonight to wish him a happy 21st birthday and we got to talking about next year.
John and Joe Lach are getting an apartment together somewhere in the upper west side and even though I'd have to stay in the dorms as a freshman he said I could spend a lot of time there on the weekends. That was great news to me. He also said that my sophomore year, with my parents' permission I could get an apartment with him since he'll be in grad school. That was the best news I have heard in the longest time.
Living with John would be the greatest set up in the world...
When we were younger John and I said that when we got older we would live next to each other in two mansions. We agreed to have a hockey rink, baseball field, and soccer field all behind our houses. We agreed to live together until we died.
In hindsight those mansions would have got pretty lonely.
And the ice rink, baseball field, and soccer field would have been hard to maintain.
And living together until both of us simultaneously passed away is a bit unrealistic as well.
And we probably would have wanted wives at some point and they would have forced us to get rid of all the sports fields. (That would have been a real travesty.)
In hindsight the mansion idea made perfect sense to an 11 year old and an 8 year old, but at 21 and 18 our ideas of a perfect home life have changed drastically. I'm still up for the mansion idea, but I need a wife that will let me live out those silly dreams.
Ideas like the mansion idea are what make childhood so innocent and so beautiful. I'll be damned if somebody makes me grow up too fast. I'm mature, hell yeah I'm mature, but I have a wild imagination and I like to think up the most irrational situations. Sue me if you don't like that.
I hope in two years time I'll be living with my cousin John in an apartment on the Upper West Side of New York City. I hope my friends will come visit me and stay with me for a while from time to time. I hope some beautiful girl will come drink coffee with me in little coffee shops throughout New York City and I hope, more than anything, that I'll be happy.
In this moment, I'm happy, better yet I'm ecstatic. I try my best, and that's all I can ask of myself.
It's about ecstasy is terms of pure delight and joy. I called my cousin John tonight to wish him a happy 21st birthday and we got to talking about next year.
John and Joe Lach are getting an apartment together somewhere in the upper west side and even though I'd have to stay in the dorms as a freshman he said I could spend a lot of time there on the weekends. That was great news to me. He also said that my sophomore year, with my parents' permission I could get an apartment with him since he'll be in grad school. That was the best news I have heard in the longest time.
Living with John would be the greatest set up in the world...
When we were younger John and I said that when we got older we would live next to each other in two mansions. We agreed to have a hockey rink, baseball field, and soccer field all behind our houses. We agreed to live together until we died.
In hindsight those mansions would have got pretty lonely.
And the ice rink, baseball field, and soccer field would have been hard to maintain.
And living together until both of us simultaneously passed away is a bit unrealistic as well.
And we probably would have wanted wives at some point and they would have forced us to get rid of all the sports fields. (That would have been a real travesty.)
In hindsight the mansion idea made perfect sense to an 11 year old and an 8 year old, but at 21 and 18 our ideas of a perfect home life have changed drastically. I'm still up for the mansion idea, but I need a wife that will let me live out those silly dreams.
Ideas like the mansion idea are what make childhood so innocent and so beautiful. I'll be damned if somebody makes me grow up too fast. I'm mature, hell yeah I'm mature, but I have a wild imagination and I like to think up the most irrational situations. Sue me if you don't like that.
I hope in two years time I'll be living with my cousin John in an apartment on the Upper West Side of New York City. I hope my friends will come visit me and stay with me for a while from time to time. I hope some beautiful girl will come drink coffee with me in little coffee shops throughout New York City and I hope, more than anything, that I'll be happy.
In this moment, I'm happy, better yet I'm ecstatic. I try my best, and that's all I can ask of myself.
Slow Down
I see way too many of my peers that want to run off to college already. I'm saying slow down.
College is going to be great, I know that much, but I know that high school has been some of the best years of my life. I love my time spent at school and I love the friends I have here. Rushing off to college is the last thing I want to do when high school still has so much life left. I'm living and dying by the little things school offers, like the times I can walk into any class late and not need an excuse, or times spent in class bull crapping with my best friends.
I have so much I still want to do in my high school career. I want to do something spontaneous, something that might not turn into anything but something worth trying anyway. I want to live what little life I have left at West Allegheny. And if you want to get out of here so badly, then shame on you. You haven't paid attention to the little things going on all around you. This place we call home is a great place, and as excited as you may be for "new" people at college, soon enough you'll be missing your pals back home.
The real world is a hell of a lot different than life here...enjoy your time here.
NP: Wild World- Cat Stevens
College is going to be great, I know that much, but I know that high school has been some of the best years of my life. I love my time spent at school and I love the friends I have here. Rushing off to college is the last thing I want to do when high school still has so much life left. I'm living and dying by the little things school offers, like the times I can walk into any class late and not need an excuse, or times spent in class bull crapping with my best friends.
I have so much I still want to do in my high school career. I want to do something spontaneous, something that might not turn into anything but something worth trying anyway. I want to live what little life I have left at West Allegheny. And if you want to get out of here so badly, then shame on you. You haven't paid attention to the little things going on all around you. This place we call home is a great place, and as excited as you may be for "new" people at college, soon enough you'll be missing your pals back home.
The real world is a hell of a lot different than life here...enjoy your time here.
NP: Wild World- Cat Stevens
hmmm
I think of the strangest little poems and things before I fall asleep at night. This one was finished when I woke up this fine morning. Not sure where it came from or what it means, but not everything in life makes sense. So here goes...
I'd thought I'd gone blind until you opened my eyes.
And when I looked around I saw something new.
A world where all I needed was me, but all I wanted was you.
A simpler place where the easy way was the right way too.
Where being all wrong was also alright.
And where love empowered those too weak to fight.
It's a place I like to think is out there.
Buried deep down behind these burdens we bear.
NP: Photographs & Memories- Jason Reeves
I'd thought I'd gone blind until you opened my eyes.
And when I looked around I saw something new.
A world where all I needed was me, but all I wanted was you.
A simpler place where the easy way was the right way too.
Where being all wrong was also alright.
And where love empowered those too weak to fight.
It's a place I like to think is out there.
Buried deep down behind these burdens we bear.
NP: Photographs & Memories- Jason Reeves
Monday, April 16, 2012
for the love of all things self righteous
I've used the term self righteous on here before. Some people on my twitter feed should look up what it means. I'm all for self confidence, hell sometimes my confidence might come across as arrogance, but certain individuals are truly blind to their own faults. They project their faults onto those around them and then proceed to claim that other people can't admit their faults. I'm not even sure what types of Freudian defense mechanisms are at work. I'd have to go with mainly denial, projection, and self idealization. Denial being the most actively at work. All I really have to say is be confident, just don't reach the point of being self righteous.
Team Win
Today we pounded Beaver, but we did it as a team. Beaver is a solid team, but they lack class and discipline. They didn't deserve to be on the field with us today. We won the game 2-1, and Trevor pitched what is arguably the best I've ever seen him throw. Today was a team win. Nobody shined on the own, but we did just enough to pull out a W and that's what team is about. I was 0 for 3 today but my second at bat I went down 0-2 in the count and managed to get an RBI out of it by putting the ball in play. It wasn't pretty, but it doesn't have to be pretty to be effective.
Everyone bought in today and relied on the guy next to him to not let him down. Playing unselfishly will be a huge part of how well we do this year. AC played well in his new role at third base and Larue did great in left. Amedure securing the final out brought back flashbacks of Grady last year at Beaver...luckily Tyler didn't try to eat the ball.
Great thing about today's win was it was a sincere showing. Everyone was fully invested mentally and emotionally.
Being fully invested is the only way to go. A word I've been using a lot to describe certain people's actions was "impersonal" but I believe I misspoke. The word I want to use is insincere. Insincerity is a true crime. It's a punishable offense because you're lying not only to yourself but to those you are being insincere with.
Maybe from time to time I take things too seriously and look too far into a situation, but i'd much rather be criticized for caring too much than not caring enough.
I'll speak my mind til the day I die, so if you ever want to know what I think of you, just ask. I won't hesitate to give you the most straightforward answer I can.
NP: Superman- Five For Fightning
Everyone bought in today and relied on the guy next to him to not let him down. Playing unselfishly will be a huge part of how well we do this year. AC played well in his new role at third base and Larue did great in left. Amedure securing the final out brought back flashbacks of Grady last year at Beaver...luckily Tyler didn't try to eat the ball.
Great thing about today's win was it was a sincere showing. Everyone was fully invested mentally and emotionally.
Being fully invested is the only way to go. A word I've been using a lot to describe certain people's actions was "impersonal" but I believe I misspoke. The word I want to use is insincere. Insincerity is a true crime. It's a punishable offense because you're lying not only to yourself but to those you are being insincere with.
Maybe from time to time I take things too seriously and look too far into a situation, but i'd much rather be criticized for caring too much than not caring enough.
I'll speak my mind til the day I die, so if you ever want to know what I think of you, just ask. I won't hesitate to give you the most straightforward answer I can.
NP: Superman- Five For Fightning
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Grinds My Gears
One pet peeve of mine is people who are obsessed with attention.
We all want to be wanted and would love to be needed, but certain people let it consume them. They love having power and the feeling of constantly being wanted.
They text as many people as they can to feel "loved" but they struggle to find true love.
People like this aren't bad people, they're just the type of people you know not to expect anything from because they're extremely insincere.
I'll be the first to admit I love feeling wanted, I just try my best to not let it control me.
We all want to be wanted and would love to be needed, but certain people let it consume them. They love having power and the feeling of constantly being wanted.
They text as many people as they can to feel "loved" but they struggle to find true love.
People like this aren't bad people, they're just the type of people you know not to expect anything from because they're extremely insincere.
I'll be the first to admit I love feeling wanted, I just try my best to not let it control me.
Pens Played Like Poop
The Pens really did play like poop today, but that's alright. In the end it's just a hockey game. What the Pen's play helped me notice is that I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with kids in school. It's not just the graduating class at this point, it's underclassmen as well.
Some underclassman have the balls to call out kids older than them on Twitter because they feel they know more about a sport? I would have never done that. You had one moment of glory and suddenly you're some god? Wrong. You haven't done shit. I'm not entitled to anything as a senior, but I'll damn well express my disgust in you. Your overall arrogance and blind cockiness infuriates me, and your poor grammar doesn't help either.
Another group I'm realizing my disgust with is some who claim to be best friends. These are some genuine people, let me tell you. Their friendship revolves around drinking and culminates in going out to eat occasionally. They all live double standard lives where one minute they're talking shit on someone and when you turn around they're partying together like old friends. I can't say I hate these people because I've come to expect it from them.
Another thing that makes me chuckle is how freely some people use the word love. Correct me if I'm wrong, but love isn't cheating on someone two or three times before you're even dating. Two wrongs don't make a right, and four or five wrongs don't either.
I dislike a lot of things I see going on around me.
One thing especially close to my heart hit me hard the other night. Deceit is a horrible thing. A truly horrible, horrible thing. I just wish people always did what was best for those around them...I don't usually wish, but that's something I can say I wish for. Sadly it isn't a wish likely to be answered anytime soon. I don't know how far the deceit will be traced, but from where I stand, it looks grim. I can hope for the best, but in this case hope might be ignorance.
Like I always say though, I'll be fine. I always am.
Tonight I ate dinner over at Graz's and then went and got Starbucks with Kendall and Mara. I'm fortunate to have made as many good friends as I have this year.
I had a pretty good weekend this weekend. Talked to the people I needed to talk to, did most of the homework I needed to do, and lived life on my own terms.
Weird thing Mara or Kendall said in the car tonight. They said that when you dream about someone it means they miss you. If that is the case, I miss you too. More than you know. If what they say is true, you would be dreaming about me, if you dream. Which I hope you do.
Dreams are wondrous and woeful.
They come to us to give us peace in our deep sleep,
yet they leave us feeling most restless when we awake.
The NP for tonight is one that reminds me of carefree days. Days where I didn't know the evils of this world, let alone the evils so close to home. Please listen to it, and really take in the lyrics. It's great.
NP: I Got A Name- Jim Croce
Some underclassman have the balls to call out kids older than them on Twitter because they feel they know more about a sport? I would have never done that. You had one moment of glory and suddenly you're some god? Wrong. You haven't done shit. I'm not entitled to anything as a senior, but I'll damn well express my disgust in you. Your overall arrogance and blind cockiness infuriates me, and your poor grammar doesn't help either.
Another group I'm realizing my disgust with is some who claim to be best friends. These are some genuine people, let me tell you. Their friendship revolves around drinking and culminates in going out to eat occasionally. They all live double standard lives where one minute they're talking shit on someone and when you turn around they're partying together like old friends. I can't say I hate these people because I've come to expect it from them.
Another thing that makes me chuckle is how freely some people use the word love. Correct me if I'm wrong, but love isn't cheating on someone two or three times before you're even dating. Two wrongs don't make a right, and four or five wrongs don't either.
I dislike a lot of things I see going on around me.
One thing especially close to my heart hit me hard the other night. Deceit is a horrible thing. A truly horrible, horrible thing. I just wish people always did what was best for those around them...I don't usually wish, but that's something I can say I wish for. Sadly it isn't a wish likely to be answered anytime soon. I don't know how far the deceit will be traced, but from where I stand, it looks grim. I can hope for the best, but in this case hope might be ignorance.
Like I always say though, I'll be fine. I always am.
Tonight I ate dinner over at Graz's and then went and got Starbucks with Kendall and Mara. I'm fortunate to have made as many good friends as I have this year.
I had a pretty good weekend this weekend. Talked to the people I needed to talk to, did most of the homework I needed to do, and lived life on my own terms.
Weird thing Mara or Kendall said in the car tonight. They said that when you dream about someone it means they miss you. If that is the case, I miss you too. More than you know. If what they say is true, you would be dreaming about me, if you dream. Which I hope you do.
Dreams are wondrous and woeful.
They come to us to give us peace in our deep sleep,
yet they leave us feeling most restless when we awake.
The NP for tonight is one that reminds me of carefree days. Days where I didn't know the evils of this world, let alone the evils so close to home. Please listen to it, and really take in the lyrics. It's great.
NP: I Got A Name- Jim Croce
Saturday, April 14, 2012
It Only Takes One
Two ideas to run by y'all really quick.
In my last post I said that it only took one fish to make our whole day of fishing worthwhile. That's the honest to god truth about most things in life. You can be having what seems to be the worst day of your life and something small can come along and brighten the whole day. Be it an event, a text, good news, or a beautiful sight, your day can turn around completely. That is what's great about life, or my life at least. It takes a lot of negative to really put me down, and then something minuscule, that might seem irrelevant to everyone around me, will turn my mood around. Today I didn't need a pick me up and it's always good to still get one.
Catching that fish was a small victory in my life, but it was a victory nonetheless and should be celebrated like any other victory. That's another idea...celebrating the everyday victories. If we all took the time to celebrate even the smallest pluses in our day our lives would be much happier. So if you can, today, take the time to celebrate your everyday victories and look for the minuscule details of everyday life that put a smile on your face.
Those are the things nobody can ever take away from you, and in the end those are the things that will make everyday a better day.
In my last post I said that it only took one fish to make our whole day of fishing worthwhile. That's the honest to god truth about most things in life. You can be having what seems to be the worst day of your life and something small can come along and brighten the whole day. Be it an event, a text, good news, or a beautiful sight, your day can turn around completely. That is what's great about life, or my life at least. It takes a lot of negative to really put me down, and then something minuscule, that might seem irrelevant to everyone around me, will turn my mood around. Today I didn't need a pick me up and it's always good to still get one.
Catching that fish was a small victory in my life, but it was a victory nonetheless and should be celebrated like any other victory. That's another idea...celebrating the everyday victories. If we all took the time to celebrate even the smallest pluses in our day our lives would be much happier. So if you can, today, take the time to celebrate your everyday victories and look for the minuscule details of everyday life that put a smile on your face.
Those are the things nobody can ever take away from you, and in the end those are the things that will make everyday a better day.
First Day of Trout
Today was opening day of trout and I celebrated accordingly. I woke up and ran to the bank and to Dick's to get my license, $32 for a license is a bit excessive. But it's all in good fun I guess. From there i went up to the high school for baseball. Only pitchers had a workout but OD and I decided we wanted to get some swings in so we set up the machine and took some swings.
After I got some swings in Trev and I headed out for our day on the stream. We stopped at his house and got rods and bait before eating lunch at Subway. Trout fishing in western Pennsylvania brings out a huge crowd and the places left to fish are very minimal. Our select spot was down by The Brothers Grimm. the adventure started with us walking upstream, rods in hand, in search of a spot to set up. We saw a lot of fish, dead fish that is. You'd have thought people were slaying the fish not trying to catch them. After catching only two creek chubs we decided to walk back down to a spot where we saw a dozen men fishing.
At this point Grebs had arrived and was joining us. Us three headed to the spot with all the other men and we saw why they were all crowded around such a small area, there were tons of fish! We waded across the creek without waders and set up next to what looked like a seasoned vet. We fished for a while before Jon and Trevor decided to go to Gander Mountain and get new bait. They left me with both rods so I cast them both out and waited. (I forgot to mention that one of these rods did not have a reel so you had to reel it in by spinning the spool by hand. Quite a hassle really.) Anyway, I was sitting there with the good rod in my hand and the bad one between my legs. Suddenly the bad one jerked and i knew I had a legitimate bite. I set the line and hooked the fish...then I spent five minutes reeling him in by spinning the spool. (Everyone around me thought this was pretty damn amusing.)
That ended up being the only fish we caught today, but it only takes one to brighten your day.
From the creek we went back to Trevor's to "gut" the fish. Don't think less of us, the poor bastard was already dead. We just tore apart his remains using a pocket knife. We came to the conclusion that the three of us could live on our own in the woods based on the fact we caught a fish and knew how to cut it into fillets.
I had a chill day, no pun intending, standing in that creek in my running shoes. By the time I got home I felt like hypothermia had set in in my lower leg and foot but that's okay. Fishing is always a good way to clear your mind and it did just that for me today.
NP: Fish- Craig Campbell
After I got some swings in Trev and I headed out for our day on the stream. We stopped at his house and got rods and bait before eating lunch at Subway. Trout fishing in western Pennsylvania brings out a huge crowd and the places left to fish are very minimal. Our select spot was down by The Brothers Grimm. the adventure started with us walking upstream, rods in hand, in search of a spot to set up. We saw a lot of fish, dead fish that is. You'd have thought people were slaying the fish not trying to catch them. After catching only two creek chubs we decided to walk back down to a spot where we saw a dozen men fishing.
At this point Grebs had arrived and was joining us. Us three headed to the spot with all the other men and we saw why they were all crowded around such a small area, there were tons of fish! We waded across the creek without waders and set up next to what looked like a seasoned vet. We fished for a while before Jon and Trevor decided to go to Gander Mountain and get new bait. They left me with both rods so I cast them both out and waited. (I forgot to mention that one of these rods did not have a reel so you had to reel it in by spinning the spool by hand. Quite a hassle really.) Anyway, I was sitting there with the good rod in my hand and the bad one between my legs. Suddenly the bad one jerked and i knew I had a legitimate bite. I set the line and hooked the fish...then I spent five minutes reeling him in by spinning the spool. (Everyone around me thought this was pretty damn amusing.)
That ended up being the only fish we caught today, but it only takes one to brighten your day.
From the creek we went back to Trevor's to "gut" the fish. Don't think less of us, the poor bastard was already dead. We just tore apart his remains using a pocket knife. We came to the conclusion that the three of us could live on our own in the woods based on the fact we caught a fish and knew how to cut it into fillets.
I had a chill day, no pun intending, standing in that creek in my running shoes. By the time I got home I felt like hypothermia had set in in my lower leg and foot but that's okay. Fishing is always a good way to clear your mind and it did just that for me today.
NP: Fish- Craig Campbell
Friday, April 13, 2012
New Castle Down
We beat, actually kind of manhandled New Castle today. The scoreboard only said 11-4 but we beat them worse than that in my personal opinion. I did all right at the plate going 1-3 but I did get to make a sick catch in the outfield. I'm more of a fielder than a hitter truth be told. I'd much rather track down a fly ball than hit a double. The team seems to be back on track and hopefully we roll through next week and add three more section wins.
Tomorrow should be a fun day. Waking up early to go do some running around before I go hit and do some running at the high school. After that T-Will and I are hitting the streams hoping to reel in some fish. Opening day of trout is probably one of the best days of the year. It's like Christmas for outdoorsmen.
Aside from that I have no other plans except to try and get some work done on my illumination project for Ms. Fox. I figured I can't afford to take a zero out of seventy-five...as much as I'd like to.
If you're bored tomorrow shoot me a text. I love hearing from anybody and everybody. We can talk about anything or nothing at all if you'd like. Today I got a text that I thought might have some promise. Sadly a few messages later it was done, quicker than it began. But hey, any text is better than no text right? I guess so. I'll take it for what it's worth...I'm just not sure what it's worth yet.
Hope you guys have a great opening day of trout. I sure plan on it.
Seriously give the NP for tonight a listen. It's beautiful.
NP: Do You Remember- Jack Johnson
Tomorrow should be a fun day. Waking up early to go do some running around before I go hit and do some running at the high school. After that T-Will and I are hitting the streams hoping to reel in some fish. Opening day of trout is probably one of the best days of the year. It's like Christmas for outdoorsmen.
Aside from that I have no other plans except to try and get some work done on my illumination project for Ms. Fox. I figured I can't afford to take a zero out of seventy-five...as much as I'd like to.
If you're bored tomorrow shoot me a text. I love hearing from anybody and everybody. We can talk about anything or nothing at all if you'd like. Today I got a text that I thought might have some promise. Sadly a few messages later it was done, quicker than it began. But hey, any text is better than no text right? I guess so. I'll take it for what it's worth...I'm just not sure what it's worth yet.
Hope you guys have a great opening day of trout. I sure plan on it.
Seriously give the NP for tonight a listen. It's beautiful.
NP: Do You Remember- Jack Johnson
Thursday, April 12, 2012
This Is Neat
Now that Adsense is up and running I feel like a million bucks. I won't make that much, but I sure feel like it. The updated Blogger is beyond cool. It shows me my audience, and believe it or not I have had views in South Africa, South Korea, Argentina, Japan, Thailand, France, Brazil, and Russia. That brings a smile to my face. It shows just how international the internet is. even if nobody in those countries actually read the blog, the very idea that they came across my page is exciting.
Making money doing the thing I love is just a bonus. I love this, and I can't wait to make a living from it.
Last night's blog was pretty depressing. I was in a bad place because i was so unsure of my plans for the future. Today when I woke up I looked back at the mood I was in last night and realized it was all for not. Until I go and check out St. John's and Drexel I can't assume they won't be great. I'm no longer going to New York this weekend, my mom wants to wait two more weekends before we go. Partly so my Dad can drive us up and also because Pap just got surgery and if he has any set backs she wants to be home for him.
Also, today I wrote a letter I plan to send to all the different directors and deans of admission at Fordham. It's a very straightforward letter telling them how I feel about the school and how badly I want it. My Aunt Maureen told me who to send it to (It just so happens that Jarrett knows a few of the deans and other high ranking people, so maybe it'll help out.) Waiting the two weeks is also in hopes that the letter will reach a dean, really move him or her, and have them change their decision and admit me to Fordham. God would that be nice.
What's great about the letter is it is my final attempt. Like so many times before I've faced an ultimatum and I've given it one more chance. This is that chance, and if it works or not, at least I can look back knowing I exhausted every possibility.
I'm so pumped to see how this all turns out. Both the money making from this blog and my college decision. needless to say it should be interesting.
Today I was informed something that made me laugh, smile, and nauseous all at the same time.
I'll just let that bug you all, not knowing what I heard that is.
Aside from all that last night I dreamed a dream I have dreamed twice before. It's a dream about you. Who you is can be interpreted many different ways. If you think it's you, then it probably is. If you think it's someone else, it very well might be. Dreams are wondrous and woeful. You can awake with a smile on your face, like I did last night, only to realize that the dream was not reality. But this dream is realistic and I like to think it's possible.
Bed time for Mr. Optimism though.
NP: Fade Into Darkness- Avicii
Making money doing the thing I love is just a bonus. I love this, and I can't wait to make a living from it.
Last night's blog was pretty depressing. I was in a bad place because i was so unsure of my plans for the future. Today when I woke up I looked back at the mood I was in last night and realized it was all for not. Until I go and check out St. John's and Drexel I can't assume they won't be great. I'm no longer going to New York this weekend, my mom wants to wait two more weekends before we go. Partly so my Dad can drive us up and also because Pap just got surgery and if he has any set backs she wants to be home for him.
Also, today I wrote a letter I plan to send to all the different directors and deans of admission at Fordham. It's a very straightforward letter telling them how I feel about the school and how badly I want it. My Aunt Maureen told me who to send it to (It just so happens that Jarrett knows a few of the deans and other high ranking people, so maybe it'll help out.) Waiting the two weeks is also in hopes that the letter will reach a dean, really move him or her, and have them change their decision and admit me to Fordham. God would that be nice.
What's great about the letter is it is my final attempt. Like so many times before I've faced an ultimatum and I've given it one more chance. This is that chance, and if it works or not, at least I can look back knowing I exhausted every possibility.
I'm so pumped to see how this all turns out. Both the money making from this blog and my college decision. needless to say it should be interesting.
Today I was informed something that made me laugh, smile, and nauseous all at the same time.
I'll just let that bug you all, not knowing what I heard that is.
Aside from all that last night I dreamed a dream I have dreamed twice before. It's a dream about you. Who you is can be interpreted many different ways. If you think it's you, then it probably is. If you think it's someone else, it very well might be. Dreams are wondrous and woeful. You can awake with a smile on your face, like I did last night, only to realize that the dream was not reality. But this dream is realistic and I like to think it's possible.
Bed time for Mr. Optimism though.
NP: Fade Into Darkness- Avicii
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Not Our Best
We lost today, making us 2-1 in section play now. We didn't play near our best baseball though. We'll be okay, I'm sure of it. Must win game on Friday at home against New Castle. Dinner after our game at Pepperoncinis was enjoyable. Wings and the Pens game always makes for a pleasant atmosphere, especially when surrounded by friends.
I'm pretty upset right now though. This whole college search is taking it's toll on me. I have narrowed down my two choices (other than Fordham) to St. John's and Drexel. St. John's is closer to where I want to be, and I really don't know much about Philly. I just know most people from the Pittsburgh area hate it. I'm so indifferent about going to visit these colleges because I don't know if either will be quite what I want from it.
Aside from that I hate how long my family and I waited to research these places. I applied not knowing what they were like holding out hope I'd get into Fordham. We had all the time in the winter to go visit and we didn't, now deposits at both schools are due May 1 and I have baseball games every other day. It's impossible to find a good time to go and I'm feeling really stressed out about this whole ordeal.
More than anything I'm afraid I'll pick a school and not be happy there. I loved Fordham so much when I visited and I'm using that as my standard. Sadly I don't think any school will measure up to Fordham.
My biggest flaw in this whole college search was holding out hope for Fordham. I still feel I have a legitimate chance of getting in off the waiting list, but if not then I waited around for nothing. And there is nothing worse than waiting around for something that's never going to pan out. Even if that something is beautiful and great, if it never comes around then you feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I've waited this long though so another couple weeks won't kill me I guess.
I'm just deathly afraid of making the wrong decision and not being happy. I really just want to be happy. That's all I ask.
Maybe it's just too late and my deep pessimism is coming out, maybe I'll go up and really love St. John's. Like always, only time will tell I guess.
NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac (It sure as hell feels like a landslide right about now.)
I'm pretty upset right now though. This whole college search is taking it's toll on me. I have narrowed down my two choices (other than Fordham) to St. John's and Drexel. St. John's is closer to where I want to be, and I really don't know much about Philly. I just know most people from the Pittsburgh area hate it. I'm so indifferent about going to visit these colleges because I don't know if either will be quite what I want from it.
Aside from that I hate how long my family and I waited to research these places. I applied not knowing what they were like holding out hope I'd get into Fordham. We had all the time in the winter to go visit and we didn't, now deposits at both schools are due May 1 and I have baseball games every other day. It's impossible to find a good time to go and I'm feeling really stressed out about this whole ordeal.
More than anything I'm afraid I'll pick a school and not be happy there. I loved Fordham so much when I visited and I'm using that as my standard. Sadly I don't think any school will measure up to Fordham.
My biggest flaw in this whole college search was holding out hope for Fordham. I still feel I have a legitimate chance of getting in off the waiting list, but if not then I waited around for nothing. And there is nothing worse than waiting around for something that's never going to pan out. Even if that something is beautiful and great, if it never comes around then you feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I've waited this long though so another couple weeks won't kill me I guess.
I'm just deathly afraid of making the wrong decision and not being happy. I really just want to be happy. That's all I ask.
Maybe it's just too late and my deep pessimism is coming out, maybe I'll go up and really love St. John's. Like always, only time will tell I guess.
NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac (It sure as hell feels like a landslide right about now.)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Not Much To Say
Today was a great day. Went golfing this morning and won, went to baseball practice, and just did some online shopping. A very good day that's leaving me very content.
School tomorrow is a bummer, but we have a game after school that I'm excited for...even bigger one Wednesday. The papers are calling it the game of the week, but it's just another game. We have to go out there thinking we're gonna beat there ass. I think we can beat any team we face if we hit as well as we have been.
My blogs from yesterday were uncharacteristically down. I worked out some one of the things that was haunting me, and the other I'm not sure I'll ever get to work out. Maybe in time though, maybe in time.
I cannot stop thinking about senior trip and about going to the cabin after prom. The cabin should be a nice little prelude to how senior trip will be. Both are going to be a blast.
I had a great break, and the trip back to reality is going to be a brutal one. Luckily this is only a four day week, only problem is that next weekend I don't think I'll have much of a weekend. Mom and I are planning on going up to look at St. John's and possibly Drexel.
Ready to see which of those two I like better, but I'm still holding out hope for Fordham. Some things are worth holding out for...I can think of a few off the top of my head. I'll hold out for them as long as I have to, they just have to let me know if they want me or not.
Well that's all I have for you guys tonight...I'm still waiting for this thing to monetize and start making me some money. Shouldn't be long til I'm raking in the money...just kidding. Maybe I'll make some money though. It'd be nice to keep away from work for as long as I have to.
NP: I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
School tomorrow is a bummer, but we have a game after school that I'm excited for...even bigger one Wednesday. The papers are calling it the game of the week, but it's just another game. We have to go out there thinking we're gonna beat there ass. I think we can beat any team we face if we hit as well as we have been.
My blogs from yesterday were uncharacteristically down. I worked out some one of the things that was haunting me, and the other I'm not sure I'll ever get to work out. Maybe in time though, maybe in time.
I cannot stop thinking about senior trip and about going to the cabin after prom. The cabin should be a nice little prelude to how senior trip will be. Both are going to be a blast.
I had a great break, and the trip back to reality is going to be a brutal one. Luckily this is only a four day week, only problem is that next weekend I don't think I'll have much of a weekend. Mom and I are planning on going up to look at St. John's and possibly Drexel.
Ready to see which of those two I like better, but I'm still holding out hope for Fordham. Some things are worth holding out for...I can think of a few off the top of my head. I'll hold out for them as long as I have to, they just have to let me know if they want me or not.
Well that's all I have for you guys tonight...I'm still waiting for this thing to monetize and start making me some money. Shouldn't be long til I'm raking in the money...just kidding. Maybe I'll make some money though. It'd be nice to keep away from work for as long as I have to.
NP: I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Keeps me Going
Everyone's nice things to say really help make this blog worth while. I love the feedback, so thank you all for reading. It means a lot to me. The only better part of a good post is when I myself feel a sense of accomplishment and a sense of profoundness. I do, from time to time, feel profound.
These comments and this very blog are my life. You're all a part of me in one way or another.
NP: 23- Jimmy Eat World
life: adj. everything and anything one feels put together into a single emotion
Happy Easter everybody. Last nights blog probably rubbed some of you the wrong way. It had undertones of depression and an overall shitty feel. I'm sorry for that.
I don't feel useless, I just feel...I don't know what the word is.
Who'd have thought with the extensive vocabulary my mom has instilled in me I wouldn't be able to find a word to suit my mood.
It isn't bad or good, happy or sad. It's a little off of indifferent but not interested. It's a mix of them all and I guess the way I'm feeling is just life. Life isn't an adjective anywhere except on this blog, so don't use it in a paper as one. But for the sake of this blog, I'm feeling quite life.
Life is the emotion where all your emotions seem to come together. I'm not mad about this confusion. It's just life.
Don't worry, you haven't hurt me, I've been hurting myself.
Hurting myself every time I sit there and think something might happen.
I'd like to say I'm done hurting myself, but I don't think I can stop. As much as I want to, the one thing I can never hide, my one true blemish, ironically, is my optimism.
At some point optimism crosses the line into blind hope and stupidity and I think I'm pretty damn close to crossing that line.
This blog probably makes it seem like I'm upset, just know that I'm not. Today is Easter Sunday and I'm going to spend it with the people I can always count on. My family.
I owe a big thank you to Erin and Mara for looking out for me.
I love you all as much as I did yesterday. I'll love you all the same tomorrow.
"I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as you're with me, my baby you'll be,"
I don't feel useless, I just feel...I don't know what the word is.
Who'd have thought with the extensive vocabulary my mom has instilled in me I wouldn't be able to find a word to suit my mood.
It isn't bad or good, happy or sad. It's a little off of indifferent but not interested. It's a mix of them all and I guess the way I'm feeling is just life. Life isn't an adjective anywhere except on this blog, so don't use it in a paper as one. But for the sake of this blog, I'm feeling quite life.
Life is the emotion where all your emotions seem to come together. I'm not mad about this confusion. It's just life.
Don't worry, you haven't hurt me, I've been hurting myself.
Hurting myself every time I sit there and think something might happen.
I'd like to say I'm done hurting myself, but I don't think I can stop. As much as I want to, the one thing I can never hide, my one true blemish, ironically, is my optimism.
At some point optimism crosses the line into blind hope and stupidity and I think I'm pretty damn close to crossing that line.
This blog probably makes it seem like I'm upset, just know that I'm not. Today is Easter Sunday and I'm going to spend it with the people I can always count on. My family.
I owe a big thank you to Erin and Mara for looking out for me.
I love you all as much as I did yesterday. I'll love you all the same tomorrow.
"I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as you're with me, my baby you'll be,"
insanity: the only good explanation
Today was a good day, I made $110 from mulching, my birthday, and report cards. I got some presents and some ideas. First thing is that my Pap is an amazing guy. He had set up a fund for me a while ago that has since accumulated 8,000 dollars. He said I can use it as spend money at college. Incredible. Truly incredible. Next is my Pap's cousin Billy happens to be a Jesuit priest and my Aunt Lou told us tonight that he worked at Fordham for some period of time. If he can't pull strings to get me in it just wasn't meant to be. Lastly my Aunt Lou is in love with her Mercedes station wagon. It's actually kinda cute how obsessed she is.
Those topics are minuscule in comparison to what's going through my mind right now. I think I might be insane. Albert Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. If that's the case I'm surely insane. I do it to myself which is the sad thing. I put myself in the same situation time and time again and tell myself it's going to be different this time, but it never is.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand this thing called love either. A movie I watched tonight reassured that fact. The movie is about a man who is married for forty some years and after his wife dies he comes out to his son saying he's gay. The man said to have loved his wife, but it's evident at the end he truly loved his partner that he met after she died. It's confusing, love that is. It's also said to be blind...I can attest to that. It seems to be blind and harsh. How can someone fall in love with two totally different people? In the case of this movie it's the difference between a man and a woman but in everyday life it doesn't have to be that complicated. It's insanity to the umph degree. Like I said before, I'm insane.
I guess the best and worst parts about life is that very insanity.
It's the not knowing what's real and what's fake that keep us interested.
It's the constant search and subsequent struggle to understand something that keeps us alive.
It's love that builds us up, love that tears us down, and love that tries to rebuild. Just know the rebuilding process is a long tedious process.
I cannot explain the process to you because I'm a student of it. I'm playing the role of architecture major right now. I'm learning about love every day and I'm becoming increasingly confused.
Tonight I drove home and felt more confused then ever. I can't sleep when I can't understand something and I can't understand a lot of stuff right now. Come to think of it I can't understand anything.
I feel let down in way. By myself mostly. For thinking things change.
I guess I'm just searching for a connection. A feeling like I'm enough. A truly personal relationship.
But that's just me.
How is it that a phone vibration makes me feel useless? I don't get it, but at the same time I do.
It's because I'm becoming accustomed to associating replacement, inadequacy, and lust with a simple vibrate.
Take this all for what it's worth. I'm not sure it's worth anything to you. But it sure as shit is worth something to me.
NP: Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West
Those topics are minuscule in comparison to what's going through my mind right now. I think I might be insane. Albert Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. If that's the case I'm surely insane. I do it to myself which is the sad thing. I put myself in the same situation time and time again and tell myself it's going to be different this time, but it never is.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand this thing called love either. A movie I watched tonight reassured that fact. The movie is about a man who is married for forty some years and after his wife dies he comes out to his son saying he's gay. The man said to have loved his wife, but it's evident at the end he truly loved his partner that he met after she died. It's confusing, love that is. It's also said to be blind...I can attest to that. It seems to be blind and harsh. How can someone fall in love with two totally different people? In the case of this movie it's the difference between a man and a woman but in everyday life it doesn't have to be that complicated. It's insanity to the umph degree. Like I said before, I'm insane.
I guess the best and worst parts about life is that very insanity.
It's the not knowing what's real and what's fake that keep us interested.
It's the constant search and subsequent struggle to understand something that keeps us alive.
It's love that builds us up, love that tears us down, and love that tries to rebuild. Just know the rebuilding process is a long tedious process.
I cannot explain the process to you because I'm a student of it. I'm playing the role of architecture major right now. I'm learning about love every day and I'm becoming increasingly confused.
Tonight I drove home and felt more confused then ever. I can't sleep when I can't understand something and I can't understand a lot of stuff right now. Come to think of it I can't understand anything.
I feel let down in way. By myself mostly. For thinking things change.
I guess I'm just searching for a connection. A feeling like I'm enough. A truly personal relationship.
But that's just me.
How is it that a phone vibration makes me feel useless? I don't get it, but at the same time I do.
It's because I'm becoming accustomed to associating replacement, inadequacy, and lust with a simple vibrate.
Take this all for what it's worth. I'm not sure it's worth anything to you. But it sure as shit is worth something to me.
NP: Knock You Down- Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West
Friday, April 6, 2012
dead wrong
Just some poetry I wrote on the fly...
You thought it was hate but it's the exact opposite.
I want it more then ever but have to remain cognizant.
It's love to the point of pain.
It's a deep sickening feeling that drives me insane
You keep my optimism strong and encourage me
All I have is adoration in the highest degree.
And in the end it was you who thanked me
I said a stupid, "You're welcome" that felt like good bye.
I've said it before, I'll say it again, it's always worth a try.
If thoughts could kill, I'd already be dead.
And if love was always right, I'd never be wrong.
No one can tell us what might be ahead.
Just know if the time comes I've loved you all along.
With so much to say that I've said before,
it begs the question why do it anymore?
Rhetorical question my friend,
I do it because I don't want it to end.
You thought it was hate but it's the exact opposite.
I want it more then ever but have to remain cognizant.
It's love to the point of pain.
It's a deep sickening feeling that drives me insane
You keep my optimism strong and encourage me
All I have is adoration in the highest degree.
And in the end it was you who thanked me
I said a stupid, "You're welcome" that felt like good bye.
I've said it before, I'll say it again, it's always worth a try.
If thoughts could kill, I'd already be dead.
And if love was always right, I'd never be wrong.
No one can tell us what might be ahead.
Just know if the time comes I've loved you all along.
With so much to say that I've said before,
it begs the question why do it anymore?
Rhetorical question my friend,
I do it because I don't want it to end.
Marilyn Monroe
My Week With Marilyn was such an interesting movie.
The movie portrays Marilyn as a carefree young lady, living life in the moment and living spontaneously. The movie is all about a young man, Colin Clark, who documented his week spent working with Marilyn on a film. Clark was drawn in by Monroe's beauty and high class. He saw a side of Marilyn that nobody else seemed to be able to see, not even her then husband, writer, Arthur Miller. Colin falls hard for Marilyn after being warned by her agent that she would just break his heart. He spends a good bit of time with her and begins to feel she has the same feelings for him that he has for her. When Arthur Miller returns to the filming Monroe tells Colin that the two can no longer go on as they had.
Colin feels torn apart and says that they mustn't even look at each other anymore. Marilyn looks like she doesn't realize how badly she hurt Colin and the two go on basically as strangers until the filming is over. Marilyn has to return to the states after filming is over and she drops by to see Colin one last time. She kisses him goodbye and Colin seems to feel some closure.
That synopsis is a very weak one, but it touches on the parts that hit me the most.
Marilyn Monroe was such a unique figure. She was watched by millions, adored by the world, and idolized by girls everywhere, yet she never seemed to find true love. She died at the age of thirty-six from an apparent overdose and in those thirty-six years she was married and divorced three times. The woman had so much in front of her and had already accomplished so much, but she seemed so lost in her fame. She had the body that fit her age and a mind that was so underdeveloped. She had been around the world and still couldn't find herself. In the movie she has an acting coach who's only job is seemingly to praise Marilyn. The coach tells Marilyn she was the most beautiful, most talented actress in the world. Monroe dwelled on other people's opinions of her, but she hated anything negative being said.
In a way she's a lot like some high school age girls. She has love all around her, but she can't love herself and that leads to her demise. She is the epitome of a woman who needs to be needed and loves to be loved. I feel like she loved the idea of love more then she actually understood it and knew what it was.
She had many love affairs in addition to her marriages and if the Colin Clark story is true it's a great one. Colin loved that week with Marilyn and I think he understood that the two couldn't be together. She was from a totally different set of standards and a totally different world. He accepted that and was able to live for the moment and love the little bit of time he had with her.
He took a chance, let everything else go, and in turn he was granted a week he'd never forget. It all starts with a chance, and with one kiss. From there, all bets were off.
NP: You Stepped Out Of A Dream- Nat King Cole
The movie portrays Marilyn as a carefree young lady, living life in the moment and living spontaneously. The movie is all about a young man, Colin Clark, who documented his week spent working with Marilyn on a film. Clark was drawn in by Monroe's beauty and high class. He saw a side of Marilyn that nobody else seemed to be able to see, not even her then husband, writer, Arthur Miller. Colin falls hard for Marilyn after being warned by her agent that she would just break his heart. He spends a good bit of time with her and begins to feel she has the same feelings for him that he has for her. When Arthur Miller returns to the filming Monroe tells Colin that the two can no longer go on as they had.
Colin feels torn apart and says that they mustn't even look at each other anymore. Marilyn looks like she doesn't realize how badly she hurt Colin and the two go on basically as strangers until the filming is over. Marilyn has to return to the states after filming is over and she drops by to see Colin one last time. She kisses him goodbye and Colin seems to feel some closure.
That synopsis is a very weak one, but it touches on the parts that hit me the most.
Marilyn Monroe was such a unique figure. She was watched by millions, adored by the world, and idolized by girls everywhere, yet she never seemed to find true love. She died at the age of thirty-six from an apparent overdose and in those thirty-six years she was married and divorced three times. The woman had so much in front of her and had already accomplished so much, but she seemed so lost in her fame. She had the body that fit her age and a mind that was so underdeveloped. She had been around the world and still couldn't find herself. In the movie she has an acting coach who's only job is seemingly to praise Marilyn. The coach tells Marilyn she was the most beautiful, most talented actress in the world. Monroe dwelled on other people's opinions of her, but she hated anything negative being said.
In a way she's a lot like some high school age girls. She has love all around her, but she can't love herself and that leads to her demise. She is the epitome of a woman who needs to be needed and loves to be loved. I feel like she loved the idea of love more then she actually understood it and knew what it was.
She had many love affairs in addition to her marriages and if the Colin Clark story is true it's a great one. Colin loved that week with Marilyn and I think he understood that the two couldn't be together. She was from a totally different set of standards and a totally different world. He accepted that and was able to live for the moment and love the little bit of time he had with her.
He took a chance, let everything else go, and in turn he was granted a week he'd never forget. It all starts with a chance, and with one kiss. From there, all bets were off.
NP: You Stepped Out Of A Dream- Nat King Cole
Thanks
This is just to thank those of you who wished me a happy birthday. All of you who did so, thank you. Those who wished me well on Twitter I thank you too. The people I really want to thank are the ones who texted me it or in the case of one person, called me to wish me a happy birthday.
My birthday started off last night with Ty, Dave, Draino, Schweins, Z Graz, and Josh Kolarac. Thank you to you boys for giving me some laughs in the waxing hours of my birthday.
From there I went to baseball practice so I owe a thank you to all the boys there who wished me a happy birthday. Practice was good and I did a lot more running then I thought I would when I first woke up.
After practice I came home and napped before work. At work the waiters and waitresses found out it was my birthday and congratulated me and Jess, my manager, told me that I could go home whenever I wanted. I stayed until 7:40 and headed home. Once home I got ready and was back at it with Amanda, Ty, Jared, and Ashley. We went down to Bridgeville and got frozen yogurt and headed back to Jared's for a while.
I got home from Jared's around 11 and went right back out, this time to Ashley's. We watched My Week With Marilyn which ended up being extremely fascinating. We sat around and talked for a while after that before I departed. I got home, did some bathroom cleaning and here I am.
My day might not seem like such an exciting one, but it suited me just fine. I played, I worked, I laughed, and I listened. An all around good day and a great way to spend my birthday.
This list is those who texted me Happy Birthday. In order from earliest received to latest.
My birthday started off last night with Ty, Dave, Draino, Schweins, Z Graz, and Josh Kolarac. Thank you to you boys for giving me some laughs in the waxing hours of my birthday.
From there I went to baseball practice so I owe a thank you to all the boys there who wished me a happy birthday. Practice was good and I did a lot more running then I thought I would when I first woke up.
After practice I came home and napped before work. At work the waiters and waitresses found out it was my birthday and congratulated me and Jess, my manager, told me that I could go home whenever I wanted. I stayed until 7:40 and headed home. Once home I got ready and was back at it with Amanda, Ty, Jared, and Ashley. We went down to Bridgeville and got frozen yogurt and headed back to Jared's for a while.
I got home from Jared's around 11 and went right back out, this time to Ashley's. We watched My Week With Marilyn which ended up being extremely fascinating. We sat around and talked for a while after that before I departed. I got home, did some bathroom cleaning and here I am.
My day might not seem like such an exciting one, but it suited me just fine. I played, I worked, I laughed, and I listened. An all around good day and a great way to spend my birthday.
This list is those who texted me Happy Birthday. In order from earliest received to latest.
- Simon
- Ashley
- Morgan
- Jaclyn
- Amanda
- Erin
- Mom
- Maura
- Mara
- Jen
- Kendall
- Jordan
- Nina
- Cliff
- Skids
- Trav
- Jackie
- John
- Mo
- Emily
Thank you guys. Texting me happy birthday showed me people do care enough to make a personal mark on something that can be done so impersonally. Also a HUGE THANK YOU TO AUNT MAUREEN, the only person to call me and wish me a happy birthday. I love you Reen.
I'll post tomorrow about My Week With Marilyn and some other stuff I'm thinking about.
NP: Hometown Glory- Adele
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
April 5th, 1994-April 5th, 2012
I realize the date makes it seem like someone is dying, but rest assured nobody is. The first date is the day I was born and the second date is my eighteenth birthday. In some ways my childhood is finally ending. I can now go to jail, buy tobacco, serve for my country, and vote in elections. (I only plan in partaking in one of those activities.) Today's blog is dedicated I my childhood. I'll recount as much of it as I care to remember and it'll be spilled out for you here on The Daily Doze. If you don't have a while to really read this I suggest you don't start because it's going to be a long ride.
I'll start with as far back as I can remember which would be my time at Kindercare. I didn't go to a West Allegheny kindergarten, instead to a daycare/kindergarten hybrid out in Moon. I remember Kindercare for three main things. First would be splitting my head open on the playground and gushing blood in the office. Second would be the fact that Brandon McCracken went there too and he was just as ADD as he is today. The third reason was Mr. Mike. Mr. Mike was the coolest teacher ever, to this day he was the only black teacher I ever had.
Kindercare brings up Shirley, a woman from Kennedy Township who used I watch my sister and I when mom was at work. I still remember Shirley's son's room had a waterbed and I always wanted to jump on it, but never had the guts to do it. Shirley still lives in the same house out in Kennedy, maybe I'll pay her a visit someday.
The next thing I remember is my first day of first grade. If I remember correctly both Nan and Mom were there to send me on my way.
I remember Nanny days which I've talked about before. Days full of adventure and marbles...still searching for someone to play marbles with.
I remember all my elementary school teachers. 1st Grade: Mrs. Shaltenbrand. 2nd Grade: Mrs. Groznik. 3rd Grade: Mr. Demario. 4th Grade: Mrs. Vestal. 5th Grade: Mrs. Mangan. Out of them Mr. D had to be my all time favorite. He was the greatest guy and his class was always enjoyable. That year I worked on my first novel. Ethan Schweinsberg, Bret Grady, and myself typed a mystery book the whole year, working on it everyday. I wish I had that to look at now. I remember it being pretty cool.
Other then that elementary school is kind of a blur. As for the home life I didn't really have any. I had very few friends. I hung out with my neighbor across the street who was three years older then me. His name is Brandon Redlinger and I think he goes to Penn State now. We used to play all kinds of games, but the one cemented in my mind is when we would take the little toy army men with parachutes and throw them off his deck as high as we could. One army man took off from his deck, cleared my house across the street on Forest Glen and traveled all the way down to the back of my backyard. At the time I thought it the most miraculous thing. Other then Brandon, most of my time at 51 Forest Glen was spent alone entertaining myself.
I moved to my current house in 4th grade and have lived here ever since. I love my new house and have memories here that will never fade. Memories of growing up, sneaking out, sneaking in, hiding, laughing, and loving. My house on Brickbarn Court is the house I'll always remember as my home.
Middle school years were great. I loved every minute of it. I loved taking art and IA and FCS. I only loved it because I love doing those things but hate being graded harshly on them. I'm not meant to be an artist or a woodworker and Mr. Mayo and Mrs. Harn understood that.
Middle school was easy, but it was fun. My favorite teachers from middle school include: Mrs. Damratoski, Mrs. Niccolai, Mr. Hanczar, Mr. McCracken, and Ms. Schumacher. I loved it over there, it was all so care free, but it was a very immature time and I like high school even more then middle school.
Middle school is when I became best friends with Mike OD and Josh Coury. Josh and I used to do everything together. Playing Call of Duty was one of our most played games. I was always a medic and he would go around and do all the killing, I, all the healing. I guess that epitomizes my pacifist ways. (In eighteen years of life I've never been in a fist fight or a serious altercation.)
In eighth grade my best friends were Chris Allison, Josh, OD, and Jared. Chris and I did everything together. I used to go to all of his inline games and he came on vacation with my family to Cancun. That was an awesome vacation. I remember Chris's nose got burnt to the point it had turned black and we had to peel off the black sunburn. It was kinda sweet. I also remember that I fell in love with kiwis that trip. Last memory of that trip has to be that Chris and I befriended two Mexican waiters whom we had every morning at breakfast. I'm excited for Chris to come with all of us on senior trip.
When ninth grade came around Josh and I became distant, OD was busy with football, and Chris and Jared were still there. I had a girlfriend for a year at that point and never spent enough time with my friends. Looking back I can say that for sure. I can also say for sure that in ninth grade I lost a part of my innocence and a part of my childhood. My dad going to rehab showed me how insane things can get at times. I grew up a lot in those three months, more so in three months then in the three years since. Rehab saved my dad though, so I'm blessed that he went.
10th and 11th grade were much of the same. Very much going through the motions but living nonetheless. I can't totally discredit those years because I had a lot of fun and made some real memories. High school sports dominated much of my life especially in the fall. Soccer and football killed me, physically and mentally.
Now in my senior year I can look back at everything I've been a part of and look forward to things yet to come. Senior year is very much a time of reflection and of preparation. All the preparation and reflection make it hard to live in the moment and live day by day. I'm doing enough living though, so I'll take a look around and tell you what I see.
Looking around I'm becoming more and more disgusted with these kids I call my peers. I'll call them peers but I won't call them most of them my equals. Many of them will never have an understanding of life that I feel I already have. Maybe that's self righteousness, maybe it's the truth.
I hate complaining, but the number of two faced hypocrites seems to be multiplying. The hypocrites are only outnumbered by the number of kids who thrive on attention.
I love my friends but some of them fit the aforementioned groups. It's okay though.
In eighteen years of life I've lived and I've learned, I've loved and I've lost, I've lied and I've been lied to, I've played and I've been played, I've worried and I've been blind to the truth, I've made friends and I've lost them, I've grown in all aspects of the word, but more then anything I've been me. I've been Thomas Patrick Forse. I've been him since April 5th, 1994 and I'll be him until I take my last breath.
In my eighteenth year of life I've become a lot more independent. I'm relying more on me and less on everyone else. I don't usually text people first. The thing I can't figure out is if it's because I have so much to say and no one who really wants to listen or if I don't have anything to say at all. I don't have much going on in life so asking me what's up is a silly question. I could talk to you about how I over analyze every little thing but I highly doubt you want to hear about that.
If you do want to hear about it though, feel free to text me.
I said at he beginning that childhood is ending. That's only partly true. I'll remain a kid at heart as long as I can. I have I realize that now that I'm eighteen I have responsibilities and I'm responsible for my own actions. I'm ready for what eighteen has to offer. I've always been ready. I've seen a lot already and I feel I have the skills needed to cope with whatever hits me.
Reflecting on what I've typed and what I have done my life has been very privileged. I've been through a lot, but I know for certain there are kids who've had it worse, much worse. I love my family and I'm thankful for everything they've done for me. I don't regret anything this far and plan on living the rest of my life just as regret free.
Just three hours now; it feels weird...can't believe the day is finally here. Well I'm off to enjoy my night. Love you guys, especially those of you I dream about. Love you more then I can tell you.
I'll start with as far back as I can remember which would be my time at Kindercare. I didn't go to a West Allegheny kindergarten, instead to a daycare/kindergarten hybrid out in Moon. I remember Kindercare for three main things. First would be splitting my head open on the playground and gushing blood in the office. Second would be the fact that Brandon McCracken went there too and he was just as ADD as he is today. The third reason was Mr. Mike. Mr. Mike was the coolest teacher ever, to this day he was the only black teacher I ever had.
Kindercare brings up Shirley, a woman from Kennedy Township who used I watch my sister and I when mom was at work. I still remember Shirley's son's room had a waterbed and I always wanted to jump on it, but never had the guts to do it. Shirley still lives in the same house out in Kennedy, maybe I'll pay her a visit someday.
The next thing I remember is my first day of first grade. If I remember correctly both Nan and Mom were there to send me on my way.
I remember Nanny days which I've talked about before. Days full of adventure and marbles...still searching for someone to play marbles with.
I remember all my elementary school teachers. 1st Grade: Mrs. Shaltenbrand. 2nd Grade: Mrs. Groznik. 3rd Grade: Mr. Demario. 4th Grade: Mrs. Vestal. 5th Grade: Mrs. Mangan. Out of them Mr. D had to be my all time favorite. He was the greatest guy and his class was always enjoyable. That year I worked on my first novel. Ethan Schweinsberg, Bret Grady, and myself typed a mystery book the whole year, working on it everyday. I wish I had that to look at now. I remember it being pretty cool.
Other then that elementary school is kind of a blur. As for the home life I didn't really have any. I had very few friends. I hung out with my neighbor across the street who was three years older then me. His name is Brandon Redlinger and I think he goes to Penn State now. We used to play all kinds of games, but the one cemented in my mind is when we would take the little toy army men with parachutes and throw them off his deck as high as we could. One army man took off from his deck, cleared my house across the street on Forest Glen and traveled all the way down to the back of my backyard. At the time I thought it the most miraculous thing. Other then Brandon, most of my time at 51 Forest Glen was spent alone entertaining myself.
I moved to my current house in 4th grade and have lived here ever since. I love my new house and have memories here that will never fade. Memories of growing up, sneaking out, sneaking in, hiding, laughing, and loving. My house on Brickbarn Court is the house I'll always remember as my home.
Middle school years were great. I loved every minute of it. I loved taking art and IA and FCS. I only loved it because I love doing those things but hate being graded harshly on them. I'm not meant to be an artist or a woodworker and Mr. Mayo and Mrs. Harn understood that.
Middle school was easy, but it was fun. My favorite teachers from middle school include: Mrs. Damratoski, Mrs. Niccolai, Mr. Hanczar, Mr. McCracken, and Ms. Schumacher. I loved it over there, it was all so care free, but it was a very immature time and I like high school even more then middle school.
Middle school is when I became best friends with Mike OD and Josh Coury. Josh and I used to do everything together. Playing Call of Duty was one of our most played games. I was always a medic and he would go around and do all the killing, I, all the healing. I guess that epitomizes my pacifist ways. (In eighteen years of life I've never been in a fist fight or a serious altercation.)
In eighth grade my best friends were Chris Allison, Josh, OD, and Jared. Chris and I did everything together. I used to go to all of his inline games and he came on vacation with my family to Cancun. That was an awesome vacation. I remember Chris's nose got burnt to the point it had turned black and we had to peel off the black sunburn. It was kinda sweet. I also remember that I fell in love with kiwis that trip. Last memory of that trip has to be that Chris and I befriended two Mexican waiters whom we had every morning at breakfast. I'm excited for Chris to come with all of us on senior trip.
When ninth grade came around Josh and I became distant, OD was busy with football, and Chris and Jared were still there. I had a girlfriend for a year at that point and never spent enough time with my friends. Looking back I can say that for sure. I can also say for sure that in ninth grade I lost a part of my innocence and a part of my childhood. My dad going to rehab showed me how insane things can get at times. I grew up a lot in those three months, more so in three months then in the three years since. Rehab saved my dad though, so I'm blessed that he went.
10th and 11th grade were much of the same. Very much going through the motions but living nonetheless. I can't totally discredit those years because I had a lot of fun and made some real memories. High school sports dominated much of my life especially in the fall. Soccer and football killed me, physically and mentally.
Now in my senior year I can look back at everything I've been a part of and look forward to things yet to come. Senior year is very much a time of reflection and of preparation. All the preparation and reflection make it hard to live in the moment and live day by day. I'm doing enough living though, so I'll take a look around and tell you what I see.
Looking around I'm becoming more and more disgusted with these kids I call my peers. I'll call them peers but I won't call them most of them my equals. Many of them will never have an understanding of life that I feel I already have. Maybe that's self righteousness, maybe it's the truth.
I hate complaining, but the number of two faced hypocrites seems to be multiplying. The hypocrites are only outnumbered by the number of kids who thrive on attention.
I love my friends but some of them fit the aforementioned groups. It's okay though.
In eighteen years of life I've lived and I've learned, I've loved and I've lost, I've lied and I've been lied to, I've played and I've been played, I've worried and I've been blind to the truth, I've made friends and I've lost them, I've grown in all aspects of the word, but more then anything I've been me. I've been Thomas Patrick Forse. I've been him since April 5th, 1994 and I'll be him until I take my last breath.
In my eighteenth year of life I've become a lot more independent. I'm relying more on me and less on everyone else. I don't usually text people first. The thing I can't figure out is if it's because I have so much to say and no one who really wants to listen or if I don't have anything to say at all. I don't have much going on in life so asking me what's up is a silly question. I could talk to you about how I over analyze every little thing but I highly doubt you want to hear about that.
If you do want to hear about it though, feel free to text me.
I said at he beginning that childhood is ending. That's only partly true. I'll remain a kid at heart as long as I can. I have I realize that now that I'm eighteen I have responsibilities and I'm responsible for my own actions. I'm ready for what eighteen has to offer. I've always been ready. I've seen a lot already and I feel I have the skills needed to cope with whatever hits me.
Reflecting on what I've typed and what I have done my life has been very privileged. I've been through a lot, but I know for certain there are kids who've had it worse, much worse. I love my family and I'm thankful for everything they've done for me. I don't regret anything this far and plan on living the rest of my life just as regret free.
Just three hours now; it feels weird...can't believe the day is finally here. Well I'm off to enjoy my night. Love you guys, especially those of you I dream about. Love you more then I can tell you.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
it's tuesday, tomorrow is wednesday, and hopefully thursday follows
Today was an average day. Practice was kinda rough, we did a lot of running which isn't really my thing. Other then that the day was okay. I really dread parts of my day at school. Economics would be one of those periods. I love Mr. Quinn to death, but the class has run its course and I really could care less about fiscal policy at this point.
The period of the day I dread most has to be English class. I actually like The Catcher in the Rye, but other then that the class is horrible. Senior project stuff is dragging on and this "text explication" thing we have to do is gonna be a real bitch. Other then that I can't gripe. Ms. Fox has been really cool lately, except when she found that someone wrote "Tom loves penis" in the back of my journal...she had to explain that to her daughter, so thank you whoever did that. And just to clarify I do not love penis, I don't like it either. I very much like girls.
What sucks most about school is going in wanting to see something, wanting to see someone, thinking they'll make you happy...once you get there and the moment comes, your stomach drops. It's not a good butterflies type feeling, instead a depressing lonely feel. You can't help but wonder if they think of you from time to time. The time spent in their presence makes you uneasy because you have no clue what to think or feel, let alone what to say, if you should say anything at all. I'm afraid to crack a smile to certain people because I'm not sure how they'll interpret it. I'm very happy, and i could be happier. I'm not content. I'm yearning for more. I'd do anything for more, but anything isn't enough I guess. That's just the way it works. You do all you can and say all you can, you say it all over and over, but in the end it isn't enough to sway them.
My Type B personality won't allow me to let things like that go. I enjoy entertaining people and pleasing them. When I can't sway someone to my side I'm upset. Especially when I feel like I have so much to offer.
It's all good though. Tomorrow is my little sister's birthday! And the day after that, Thursday I believe, is my birthday. I'm hoping to make it to 13,000 views by then. 13 is my favorite number and 13,000 would be a true accomplishment. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
NP: I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
The period of the day I dread most has to be English class. I actually like The Catcher in the Rye, but other then that the class is horrible. Senior project stuff is dragging on and this "text explication" thing we have to do is gonna be a real bitch. Other then that I can't gripe. Ms. Fox has been really cool lately, except when she found that someone wrote "Tom loves penis" in the back of my journal...she had to explain that to her daughter, so thank you whoever did that. And just to clarify I do not love penis, I don't like it either. I very much like girls.
What sucks most about school is going in wanting to see something, wanting to see someone, thinking they'll make you happy...once you get there and the moment comes, your stomach drops. It's not a good butterflies type feeling, instead a depressing lonely feel. You can't help but wonder if they think of you from time to time. The time spent in their presence makes you uneasy because you have no clue what to think or feel, let alone what to say, if you should say anything at all. I'm afraid to crack a smile to certain people because I'm not sure how they'll interpret it. I'm very happy, and i could be happier. I'm not content. I'm yearning for more. I'd do anything for more, but anything isn't enough I guess. That's just the way it works. You do all you can and say all you can, you say it all over and over, but in the end it isn't enough to sway them.
My Type B personality won't allow me to let things like that go. I enjoy entertaining people and pleasing them. When I can't sway someone to my side I'm upset. Especially when I feel like I have so much to offer.
It's all good though. Tomorrow is my little sister's birthday! And the day after that, Thursday I believe, is my birthday. I'm hoping to make it to 13,000 views by then. 13 is my favorite number and 13,000 would be a true accomplishment. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
NP: I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
Monday, April 2, 2012
Lovin It
Baseball is 100,000 times more enjoyable when your team is successful. This year I look forward to playing as opposed to last year hoping each and every game would get rained out. We won again today, this time 12 to 0, for our first section win. We played awesome defense, had great pitching from Trevor, and hit the ball hard all five innings.
After the game T-Will, OD, Shea, Frankowski, Chris, and I went to Eat N Park for our Monday dinner tradition. We sat there and talked about the game and about other games; games from our glory days, and games yet to come. We talked about school and about food. It was a great time.It's the little things like those two hours in the corner booth at Eat N Park that I'll miss most about high school.
Tomorrow we have practice and then Wednesday we have our second section game. It's a home game so I expect to see you all there.
Today I did something unbelievable...I picked up a shift at work. The kid whose shift it was needed covered because he is going on spring break to Jersey. I said I'd take it after he offered to pay me $30 cash for it. Some half hour later I remembered that Thursday is my birthday....go figure, I pick up a shift at work once a month and I pick one up on my birthday. Unbelievable. It's all good though, I probably wouldn't have done anything exciting on my birthday anyway. And now I'll have a paycheck for twenty some dollars, $30 cash, and however much I make that night. Not bad if you ask me. Gotta pay for my tattoo somehow.
I don't think I have anything great for you guys tonight. The only things on my mind recently have been college and girls. Not so unusual for a high school senior I guess.
My main concern is where the hell I'm going to go to college. My second concern is girls. Nothing in particular, just the species as a whole. They're a weird bunch.
I guess it isn't so much girls that worry me as much as idiotic people in general. Asinine things like popping pills and doing cocaine in high school probably blow my mind the most. Next on the list would have to be boys and girls alike going for the largest pieces of shit. Now these pieces of shit aren't limited to the kids doing coke and popping pills, rather it applies to a wide array of people. The list includes cheaters, liars, low lifes, disrespectful kids, and kids with no ambition. I just don't get how you can have a good guy or girl standing right in front of you and you decide instead on the biggest asshole. I'll just never understand it.
In a way this blog has become hypocritical. I used to say that I wasn't judgmental...that couldn't be farther from the truth. I constantly pass judgment on almost everyone I encounter. I tend to say exactly how I feel and often times it's brutal. Condescending sarcasm is probably my favorite way to talk about someone I think is a real prick. Things like, "Oh yeah, he's a quality human being," or "Truly a valuable piece of society," are just a few I've used recently to describe a kid I can't stand. See this isn't hypocritical now because I'm owning up to my mistakes. Suck that Straka.
Moral of the story is don't be a piece of shit or I'll judge the hell out of you and use condescending remarks to tell people how I feel about you. Hopefully you don't care though, because words are simply words and they shouldn't bug you at all. After all, you pieces of shit don't seem to care about anything else, so why would you care what I have to say? Exactly, you wouldn't. Taking time to care just doesn't fit your busy schedules that are filled with doing drugs and texting any girl dumb enough to text you back.
That is all.
NP: Why Do The Men Stray- Gavin DeGraw
After the game T-Will, OD, Shea, Frankowski, Chris, and I went to Eat N Park for our Monday dinner tradition. We sat there and talked about the game and about other games; games from our glory days, and games yet to come. We talked about school and about food. It was a great time.It's the little things like those two hours in the corner booth at Eat N Park that I'll miss most about high school.
Tomorrow we have practice and then Wednesday we have our second section game. It's a home game so I expect to see you all there.
Today I did something unbelievable...I picked up a shift at work. The kid whose shift it was needed covered because he is going on spring break to Jersey. I said I'd take it after he offered to pay me $30 cash for it. Some half hour later I remembered that Thursday is my birthday....go figure, I pick up a shift at work once a month and I pick one up on my birthday. Unbelievable. It's all good though, I probably wouldn't have done anything exciting on my birthday anyway. And now I'll have a paycheck for twenty some dollars, $30 cash, and however much I make that night. Not bad if you ask me. Gotta pay for my tattoo somehow.
I don't think I have anything great for you guys tonight. The only things on my mind recently have been college and girls. Not so unusual for a high school senior I guess.
My main concern is where the hell I'm going to go to college. My second concern is girls. Nothing in particular, just the species as a whole. They're a weird bunch.
I guess it isn't so much girls that worry me as much as idiotic people in general. Asinine things like popping pills and doing cocaine in high school probably blow my mind the most. Next on the list would have to be boys and girls alike going for the largest pieces of shit. Now these pieces of shit aren't limited to the kids doing coke and popping pills, rather it applies to a wide array of people. The list includes cheaters, liars, low lifes, disrespectful kids, and kids with no ambition. I just don't get how you can have a good guy or girl standing right in front of you and you decide instead on the biggest asshole. I'll just never understand it.
In a way this blog has become hypocritical. I used to say that I wasn't judgmental...that couldn't be farther from the truth. I constantly pass judgment on almost everyone I encounter. I tend to say exactly how I feel and often times it's brutal. Condescending sarcasm is probably my favorite way to talk about someone I think is a real prick. Things like, "Oh yeah, he's a quality human being," or "Truly a valuable piece of society," are just a few I've used recently to describe a kid I can't stand. See this isn't hypocritical now because I'm owning up to my mistakes. Suck that Straka.
Moral of the story is don't be a piece of shit or I'll judge the hell out of you and use condescending remarks to tell people how I feel about you. Hopefully you don't care though, because words are simply words and they shouldn't bug you at all. After all, you pieces of shit don't seem to care about anything else, so why would you care what I have to say? Exactly, you wouldn't. Taking time to care just doesn't fit your busy schedules that are filled with doing drugs and texting any girl dumb enough to text you back.
That is all.
NP: Why Do The Men Stray- Gavin DeGraw
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Palm Sunday
Slept over Graz's last night and woke up for 7:30 mass again. Only problem was that Graz had relocated to his brother Nate's bed and didn't feel like going to 7:30 mass. We decided to go to 9 o'clock instead and I decided since I was up I could visit Nan's grave again. I stopped at Exxon and grabbed a coffee before I headed up there.
Once I got to the cemetery I parked and sat down right next to Nan's tombstone. I sat and drank some of my coffee before I started talking. I talked to her about everything going on in my life. From baseball to college to girls to my best friends I talked for 35 minutes straight. It was nice having someone listen to all the things I had to say. After I talked for a while I commended my Nan for teaching me something no teacher ever could. She taught me, in only the 7 years I knew her, how to love. If you can teach someone how to love and make someone feel loved, you have served a purpose.
Before I left the cemetery I decided that next week I'm going to bring a book to read under the tree that stands across from Nan's headstone. Everything in the cemetery is more peaceful, so I think it will be a nice place to do some reading.
I also stumbled upon the Instagram app on my iPhone and wanted to snap some pictures of my Sunday morning trip. I'll post them below. (Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form claiming to be a good photographer because I'm utilizing this app...that's aimed at all those who keep up with Condescending Willy Wonka on Twitter.)
I really like the Instagram app and I think it's going to help me capture the beauty of things I see. There really is beauty everywhere, you just have to know where to look.
Once I got to the cemetery I parked and sat down right next to Nan's tombstone. I sat and drank some of my coffee before I started talking. I talked to her about everything going on in my life. From baseball to college to girls to my best friends I talked for 35 minutes straight. It was nice having someone listen to all the things I had to say. After I talked for a while I commended my Nan for teaching me something no teacher ever could. She taught me, in only the 7 years I knew her, how to love. If you can teach someone how to love and make someone feel loved, you have served a purpose.
Before I left the cemetery I decided that next week I'm going to bring a book to read under the tree that stands across from Nan's headstone. Everything in the cemetery is more peaceful, so I think it will be a nice place to do some reading.
I also stumbled upon the Instagram app on my iPhone and wanted to snap some pictures of my Sunday morning trip. I'll post them below. (Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form claiming to be a good photographer because I'm utilizing this app...that's aimed at all those who keep up with Condescending Willy Wonka on Twitter.)
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| Nan's final resting place |
I really like the Instagram app and I think it's going to help me capture the beauty of things I see. There really is beauty everywhere, you just have to know where to look.
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| Nan and Pap's gravestone from where I was sitting |
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| Bottom road before you turn up to the cemetery |
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| From underneath the tree by Nan's grave |
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