Christmas

A few days ago was the day of the year I look forward to more than all the other days. Christmas Day. Sure I love my birthday and there are some other good, random days spread out, but year after year it is Christmas that I long for the most.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Despite being as sick as a dog I really did have a great Christmas. I spent a ton of time with family, a ton of time with Ashley, and even tempted fate by bringing the two together.

Ashley has met a large part of my family already. Despite only dating for close to four months she's the person I'm most comfortable with, so naturally she's the one I want to be around my family with. She's a trooper. Christmas Eve we were true travelers. Starting in Mt. Washington, heading to her family's in Beaver, and finishing at my great aunt and uncle's in Kennedy. We had minor skirmishes along the way, but we stood the test of time and Ashley even stood the test of the Spine women. (I left her in a room full of relatives she had never met before and she held her own which is admirable.)

I got more than I could ever ask for this Christmas. Presents have lost their allure really. Don't get me wrong, I love unwrapping a new pair of shoes, but it isn't the same as when I was a kid. I guess that is obvious though, right? Obviously mom wrapping the presents that she bought off a list I emailed to her isn't nearly as cool as Santa and his elves making them from a list I mailed to him.

Needless to say that Christmas has changed. Not necessarily for the worse, just for the different.

Christmas Day at Pap's has changed. Present opening has changed. The dinner is amazing, but even that has changed. The food is the same and the table is the same, but the one thing that's missing is faces. Each and every year at least one piece of the puzzle is missing.

That's the one part of growing up that I never wanted. Family members moving on and moving away. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish they were there, or maybe that's just the younger cousin in me looking for the kids I admired. Either way, I miss it. I miss it like hell.

I guess the fact of the matter is that as we grow up our families change. The faces change, the ages of those faces change, new members are brought in, and other members are lost. And maybe I'm wrong in thinking a piece or two were missing this year, maybe no pieces were missing, rather a new puzzle was built with the pieces we had.

I miss Ashley. I wish she hadn't been forced to leave for Florida so soon.

NP: Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence

So

So I'm home. Got here yesterday.

It only took about 30 minutes to get all my stuff out of my room and into the car. The rest of the eight hour journey crawled by.

I didn't have to say any goodbyes yesterday. My roommate had already gone home, not that I cared much to say bye to him anyway. In fact, all my goodbyes were done two or three days ago.

It was sad. Really, it was. I hate leaving people I care about. But when it's your time I guess you just have to accept it. I spent three and a half months in New York City. I can cross that off of my bucket list.

I made friends while I was there. If you've read before then you know that there are six of them. Here are their names...

Steve. Peter. Kaitlin. Julia. Caroline. Frances

Two of the six live in Connecticut, one lives in New Jersey, one in New York, one in New Hampshire, and one all the way out in Colorado.

Those are all a lot of miles from Pittsburgh. Luckily, you can stay close to anyone, anywhere if you really want to. You just have to put in the effort. In time we will see how close I remain to the friends I've made. I plan on going back up to Fordham, maybe as soon as Spring semester. I've also been promised some visits to Pittsburgh by a few of the six.

Finding a new rhythm at Pitt will take time, but then again all good things do.

Looking back it's funny because I got into Pitt immediately after applying and I counted it out. I thought Pitt was the school the eighth grade me wanted to go to. I thought I belonged somewhere prestigious, somewhere far away, somewhere that I had deemed "better".

I'm not sure if my view of it was ever clouded or if I have changed over time.

Not sure I'll ever be certain.

I'm certain that I got an A in philosophy and an A- in math though.

That means I learned at least a little bit in my first semester.

They say that's what you go to college for, but I'm not sure about that.

I'm out of words.....for right now at least.

Til we meet again.

NP: Don't You Worry Child- Swedish House Mafia

not sure what to say

Life is such a fragile, beautiful thing, yet there are people in this world who are willing to take a life like it is nothing. The shooting today in Newton, Connecticut is yet another reminder that this world is full of real life monsters. What happened today was terrible. Terrible doesn't even cover it. Horrific, maybe?

What about preventable?

I'm no expert on gun control and I sure as hell wasn't there when they thought up the 2nd Amendment, but I know for a fact that you can't give me a good reason why a US citizen needs an Ak-47. You will never sell me on that, ever. You just won't. Gun collector, I don't give a damn. I don't care if your grandfather created the damn thing. YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

I won't rant about gun control, but I do think something needs to be done. I'm all for hunting for sport. But when the wrong guns get into the hands of the wrong people, human beings become the game and that's not the way it's supposed to be.

What this shooting really made me think about wasn't gun control or what is wrong with people, rather it made me think about standing for something.

I think that there comes a certain time in a person's life where they have to commit to a cause.

I just want to commit to something before I lose someone. Naturally you would stand for a cause after losing someone to that cause (i.e. gun control because of a shooting or cancer research because of cancer).

I'm sure many of those kids' parents will become advocates of gun control after today's tragedy. There's nothing wrong with that. I'd just rather be proactive.

For now I'll say a prayer, to whoever it is I believe in. Saying a prayer isn't enough though. If I want change I have to act. I need a cause and need it soon.

You're here, you have this life, so why not stand for something?

There are twenty kids who won't get the chance to stand for something after what happened today.

So if for nothing else stand for those kids. They deserve it.

NP: Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

what it takes

I've been thinking a lot about college recently. (Odd because I'm in college right?) Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about where I've come from and where I'm going. I'm looking back on what I've done in my time here and what my plans are for the future.

I'm from Oakdale, Pennsylvania. A place you've never heard of unless you're from there. Right now I'm in the Bronx, New York. Where I'm from most people think of the Bronx as impoverished and crime ridden and in many senses they wouldn't be far off. I go to school with kids from all over the world...no literally there are kids from Colombia, Asia, Russia, and Ghana. The majority are from the northeast though. I'm including New York state in that classification. Connecticut, New Jersey, and New York seem to dominate a majority of the population. We have middle class, upper-middle, and wealthy. There are plenty of kids like me somewhere here, I just haven't found many. Most kids' schooling is different than mine as well. If it isn't a prep school it's a public high school that breeds Ivy League students. (That's where Kaitlin is from.) Steve and Peter are prep school guys.

I sometimes tell myself that I'm one of the few who "made it out". I can count about 10-15 kids in my graduating class who "made it out". West Allegheny doesn't send kids to Ivy schools, it just doesn't happen that way. Or not that often at least. We breed mostly state school and local private school students. Somehow I made it here. Call it had smarts if you must. It was probably just persistence and a drive from somewhere deep down.

What it took was me telling myself I could get out. It took the thought of escaping.

Now that I've escaped I can say that I made it. That's the thing though, sometimes you make it so far and you realize that where you actually belonged was the very place you tried escaping from.

I won't tell you I don't belong here. I do. Academics wise I can compete and as far as personalities go, well I think of myself as likable enough and I think the six friends I've made here would say the same.

Maybe that doesn't sound like much to you. "Six friends".

To me it's a lot more than six names and faces. It's six new people that walked into my life and added a new dynamic to it. Those six are six people with six very different stories. Six stories that have made them who they are and somehow landed them here at Fordham with me. I'm lucky to have found these people. Each of the six has something different to offer. Each of the six has flaws and each of the six has something to laugh about.

You see for the longest time I thought I couldn't make it here.

I realized that what it takes to make it in college is one thing. It takes friends.

I guess I always took my six best friends at home for granted. They were always just a phone call away.

I've made six new friends here. Not to replace the ones I have at home, but to add to. I have six new stories to tell and in 8 days when I leave I'll have six people to wonder about.

I'll have six new people to miss everyday.

I'll miss them and I'll wonder about them and I hope that they'll come visit me. Whether it's at Pitt or in Oakdale, PA. The place you'll never hear about until you're in it.

I grew up in Oakdale and moved to the Bronx.

If you've read this blog from the start then you have seen me grow.

That's all this really is.

A journal for me to grow in.

NP: If It Means A Lot To You- A Day To Remember

grinds my gears

Want to know what I am beyond annoyed with?

Healthy eating.

I am so tired of people telling me "that isn't organic" or "that isn't grown without pesticides". I don't give a shit if the chicken I'm eating is free range or slave range. I actually don't care if they chained the chicken up and made it pick cotton, that is how little I care. I get my fair share of fruits, vegetables, meats, and calcium. I take vitamin C pills and drink a lot of water. You could dissect what I eat and find things I'm missing, but frankly I don't give a a damn.

Please tell me that I'm not eating well.

For every 10 people who tell me it, 9 of the 10 aren't in as good of shape as me.

Want to race?

If I want a cupcake then I WANT A DAMN CUPCAKE.

I don't care if it doesn't have whole wheat flour and non-homogenized milk. I just don't care.

I eat and workout. I run. I don't consume alcohol or any other type of drug. So until everyone who says something to me about being healthy stops drinking, they can shut the hell up.

That is all.

NP: You Are Not A Robot- Hoodie Allen

be missed

It appears as though I'll be missed. See about a month ago I would have never thought that would be the case. I didn't realize the great friends I have made. I count six. Maybe that's just the six that I'll truly miss here. I sincerely hope we can keep in touch and remain friends.

I hope they know I'm not giving up on them. Like I didn't give up on here.

See I hated it, but I made a decision to leave. I haven't left yet, but I am leaving. In two weeks time I will be leaving for home. I won't be riding the Megabus back either. Not right away at least. I'll be back though.

My mom said that an opportunity like Fordham only comes along once. I guess we'll see about that. I don't see why I can't dominate at Pitt, get a job at home and have the company pay for me to get my MBA.

Opportunities are endless if we make them that way.

I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. Both old friends and new.

Finals week is stressing me out, but if you asked me how I'm doing I'd say that I'm doing. And that's all that matters.

One foot in front of the other, eyes forward, leaving prior decisions at the wayside. Too much ahead to look back.

I'll reminisce with the best of them and dream with the rest of them.

I've still got big dreams you know. I think we all do.

NP: My Oh My- Macklemore

the playing field

I'm sure by now most of my readers are tired of hearing about my views on drinking. Too bad. You're here so you might as well suck it up and read.

Today a different view of drinking came to mind. Obviously drinking affects everyone differently, but there is one thing everyone has in common when drinking.

That, my friends, is the change of playing field.

Some call it liquid courage. Some say that it just mellows them out. Whatever alcohol does to you it alters you, even if it is just in the slightest sense.

What scares me about alcohol a lot of times is when that change in paying field is for the worse. Sure, maybe it gives some people the confidence to do things they'd never do without it. (Kinda sad in my personal opinion.) In other cases it gives people not confidence, but a shift in power and comprehension. Alcohol can make people do stupid things they would never do sober. (Again, very sad.) The point I'm trying to make is that alcohol changes the game. For some it is for the better, but for others it is for the worse. Some people become playful, others become nasty, and others become just plain stupid .

From my own personal experiences I've seen them all. The happy drunk, the dumb drunk, the angry drunk, and the confident drunk. I'm becoming more accepting of alcohol. It'll be a while until I'm totally okay though.

I've seen a lot and lost a lot to it. But in some sense I'm sure I have gained more from it than I could ever lose.

I've learned a lot from it. A lot about family, friends, relationships, and life. You can take material things and even people away from me, but you can never take that knowledge.

I'll be okay with it in time, but for now you just have to take me as I am.

NP: Three Cheers For Five Years- Mayday Parade

hurt

I'm not sure why I thought it. Maybe it was from watching Brady Quinn talk about his Kansas City teammate who committed suicide or maybe it was something else. Brady Quinn said something along the lines of "we can let moments like this define us or we can have them redefine us." When we are hurt there are two reasons...strike that, not reasons, rather there are two things to come.

When we are hurt and fallen there are two things that can come of it.

1. We learn how to fix ourselves.
or
2. We find the people who will help fix us.

When we fall or when we are hurt we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn how hard we can fight, we learn what our breaking point is, and we learn how to rebuild.

Along the way we often find that we can't do it alone. Many times there are others who will have to watch us as we go. There to protect us and show us that we can be again. They show us that it isn't the fall that will define us, it's the climb back up.

I guess that falling teaches us about those around us as well. We find our best friends when we're down or hurt. They're the ones who tell us it'll be okay or they're the ones who tell us to suck it up and press on. Neither friend is wrong, they just have different methods.

Maybe this is just cliche, but don't let the fall define you. Let the fall spark change. Let the fall fuel a fire of continually trying to better yourself. 

Learn how to fix yourself. Or, learn how to let others fix you. 

"You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven." 

Maybe heaven is just right around the corner. 

NP: Otherside Remix- Macklemore (really on a Macklemore kick right now)

schooliosis

That really is a horrible pun but oh well. I'm not even sure if scoliosis causes pain or not, but right now school is very painful. These two papers (philosophy and history) are really bringing me down. I started off today in super-productive mode. I cranked out my 750 word essay for ground floor in about an hour and embarked on my 1500 word philosophy essay soon after. Then about 2 hours later I was only at 250 words. Now 6 hours after that I am at 350. I'm feeling burnt out. At least from papers that is. I'll get them all done, it just won't be pretty.

Other than these damn papers I've been in a pretty good place. I had a good day in the city yesterday and had a good night alone. I watched Chris Rock and Kevin Hart on Comedy Central and I was laughing and smiling for a solid two hours. Today I spent most of my early afternoon in the library and then I saw Julia in the cafe so I hung with her and attempted to write philosophy. I didn't do much of that, but the Steelers won so that's a bonus. I found out that I am easily distracted. Once something catches my eye I am intrigued. Must be my inner wallflower coming out. I love watching people and seeing how the interact and how they carry themselves. (It sounds creepy, but you should try it sometime.)

Anyway. Today is December 2nd.

Three months ago I started dating my best friend.

Tomorrow is Monday.

Another day. Another school week. It'll all be over soon.

Then a new setting. A new chapter. New friends. Old friends. Should be good.

When you get a chance listen to Same Love by Macklemore. This guy is amazing.

That's what I'm playing now.

Everybody Talks

So everybody knows. Whether it's because of technology or just word of mouth people find out information fast. You tell one person and suddenly everyone knows. It isn't necessarily a bad thing though. Makes my job a lot easier. The word is out. I am transferring.

I've known for a little while now that I was going to, but I had a surprisingly hard time telling people here. The first person I told was Peter. Then Frances and Julia. Word of mouth got the info to Steve and other kids in the dorm. The last two I told were Kaitlin and Caroline. They were the hardest to tell. I think it's because I've become increasingly close with them thanks to Ground Floor and our business presentation.

I'm already scheduled for next semester at Pitt and it's looking pretty good. All of my credits from Fordham won't transfer right away, but they will after I'm in the College of Business Administration.

I'm still not sure about housing which is discouraging. I don't have a problem commuting from somewhere close, but I'll miss out on the atmosphere of the campus.

I still have three weeks here though so I better not jump the gun. These classes aren't going to finish themselves and my professsors sure as shit aren't going to just hand me good grades. I need to keep my grades up and stay focused so I can transfer into Pitt and have a good standing when I get there.

I won't be able to minor in writing at Pitt like I had hoped to because they don't have English Writing as a minor. I will; however, be able to take writing course in a fiction or nonfiction track and get enough credits in them to show prospective employers what I've done.

I'll admit to you that for a while I hated it here at Fordham. I woke up every morning and felt sick to my stomach. That feeling is gone now. I feel more comfortable. I'm not sure if it's because I know I'm leaving or what, but I'm trying to love it while I'm still here. I think, scratch that, I know I could make it here. I know I have the intelligence and ability to succeed here, but the question I keep asking myself is at what cost? At $200,000 worth of debt? For just undergraduate business? That's more like med school debt. I can't sit here and tell myself that $200,000 isn't a lot of debt. I can bullshit, but I'm not that good at it and I can't bullshit myself. College loans can hang over a person's head forever if they let it. I'm choosing not to let it. I'm a big boy and college is something I'm going to pay for. My mom has done enough for me, it is time for me to put on my big boy pants and show myself what I can do.

I still plan on making something of myself. Don't get that confused.

I'm coming home next semester. Some might say I'm a bit of a changed man. I'm not going to lie to you, I have changed a bit. I think we all have. Over Thanksgiving break I saw all my best friends and even though we all have matured a little and gone our separate ways we still find ourselves coming back together. We laugh at the same jokes and we still love each other to death. Have we changed? In one way or another, yes, we have changed. Not for the worse. We've just changed.

I've made some good friends here at school. Friends that I hope won't forget about me when I'm gone. Friends who I hope will come visit so I can show them that Pittsburgh is nowhere near Philadelphia and nothing like anywhere else they've ever been.

I'm excited for my future.

I know some of you will say I'm giving up here or that I'm coming home for other reasons. Go ahead and think that if you want. I didn't give up and I know my reasons. I made a decision and I'm sticking to it. Maybe someday I'll find myself wandering the halls of Keating again. Be it as a graduate student or as an old man just trying to keep learning. Leaving on December 21st won't be goodbye. I'll be back. I'm sure of that.

NP: Nothing In My Way- Keane

Thanks. 363 days later.

Almost exactly a year ago I posted a blog titled Thanks. I was in Hilton Head, South Carolina and my life was, to say the least, different. Not different in a bad way, not in a good way either, it was just different. I'm 363 days older and I'm lucky if I'm even a day wiser.

While I may not be "wiser" I have learned a lot. In 363 days I have felt a wide array of emotions. I've felt like absolute shit some days, but looking at it now I can't measure my time in this emotion or that emotion. I can; however, measure it in comparisons. In 363 days I've laughed more than I've cried, I've loved more than I've  lost, I've smiled more than I've frowned, and I've had more good days than bad. Needless to say I have a lot to be thankful for.

Like last year and every year before that I am thankful. This year I'm thankful for things I never would've thought I'd be thankful for. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the usual things like friends, family, and good health but I'm thankful for other things too.

I'm thankful that things change. From times, to people, to relationships. I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me, for better or for worse, that has left me where I am at today.

I'm thankful that I'm a stubborn person. Call it stubborn or persistent I wouldn't be where I'm at if I hadn't pursued the very things people told me not to. My life wouldn't be nearly as interesting if I listened to what people told me.

I'm thankful for learning experiences. Things like being heartbroken, my grandmother passing away, and even choosing the wrong school. I've learned so much about myself from everything that's happened to me. (I still don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" but I believe that you can learn from everything that happens.)

I'm thankful that I am who I am. I'm really learning a lot about myself and I love it. I'm not saying I love myself, which I do, I'm saying I love figuring myself out. We spend so much time trying to figure everyone else out that we rarely figure ourselves out. It's through our findings in other people, our trials and tribulations, and our mistakes that we come into our own.

I ate a lot of turkey today and I laughed a lot today. How the hell could I complain?

Be thankful for the past that made you who you are today and the you today that is going to make your tomorrow. 

NP: Springsteen- Eric Church

upbringing

I think sometimes we underestimate just how much of an effect our upbringing has on us. Then again, I think a lot of times people look at an upbringing the wrong way. We're all given a name when we are born, we all have a place where we are from, and we all are raised by someone. General Peter Pace talked to our business class the other day and he said, "You have your name and your honor, nobody can take those from you, but you can sure as hell give them away."

Nobody can take away your name. You can legally change it if you so choose, but nobody can strip you of your name. The same can be said of your honor. You can be an honorable person or you can choose to give away your honor. I think that your name is something special because it's one of the few things you have from birth that won't change unless you choose too. The other thing I'm particularly fond of is where you're from.

I'm not talking about the city you grew up in. I'm talking about the house you were raised in. I'm talking about the parents or grandparents who nurtured you into the person you are today. Those who raise us have a profound affect on us be it good or bad.

I think that as most kids grow up they say that they want to be just like one parent or the other. You know, like a little girl saying, "When I grow up I want to be mommy."

That isn't always the case though. A lot of kids don't have a great home life. A lot of kids grow up in a house where neither parent is a good role model.

In those cases there are two ways a kid can go. They can use the poor home life as an excuse and make poor decisions and continue the chain, or they can do the opposite. They can learn from the mistakes of their parents and choose to contribute to society and reap the benefits. (There's a major difference between reaping the benefits and cheating the system.)

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there's always a choice. We wake up every day and we have a choice as to how we're going to act. Our upbringing has an affect on that, no doubt about it, but I despise when people say "oh he had a rough home life." Bullshit. We all have our problems. We all have free will too.

Act like scum and stick to excuses. Complain about your broken household or alcoholic parent when there are kids who come from NOTHING. Nobody says "he had a rough upbringing" when those kids are making a name for themselves. Instead they focus on where that kid is going. Once he's made it they can look back at where he came from but now they aren't making excuses, they're thinking about how to do his story justice when they make a movie about it.

You have a home, a name, and at the end of a day, a choice.

Don't make excuses, make moves.

NP: Cat's in the Cradle- Harry Chapin

reciprocation

Isn't that all we ever really want?

Reciprocation: getting back what we give out.

That's the way it's supposed to be isn't it?

If you give something or someone your all you expect that back. We expect things. That's our chief problem. Expectations make way for let downs which make for hurt feelings.

Just because we don't always feel like we're getting it back doesn't mean we shouldn't give it out. If we hold back what good are we doing? None, no good at all.

The truth is that things aren't always reciprocated. (Not the way we think they will at least). You can give, give, give and spend your days waiting to get, get, get. You can't think about those days though. We have an overwhelming propensity to focus on what we don't have or what we aren't getting. Instead, you need to focus on how much more you can give and where you're going to give it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve" 

To me that means we deserve what we're willing to give.

Love without bounds and learn to accept that same love in return.

Believe it or not most times things will be reciprocated. You just have to know that it might not always come in the most expected way. It won't always be straightforward. Sometimes you'll have to search for the good you're getting. (Doesn't seem fair right? When what we're giving out is so obvious why do we have to search?) That's just the way it is. get over it.

Look for the good. It's there. Actually, it's all around.

We just have to train our eyes.

NP: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol

2013?

So in two months it will be the year 2013. That's strange to me because for the longest time I thought that life was going to be fully lived out by 2012. I grew up logging into school computers with the 12 after tforse. I knew I would graduate in 2012 and I sort of didn't think past that point. I never once asked myself where would I be when the ball dropped and 2013 came. I never once asked what I'd have done, who I'd have met, or how things would change. I wasn't even sure 2013 was something worth worrying about.

That's where my first problem lies. I did so much living in the first 2/3 of 2012. Once I got to college I stopped. I ate, slept, and studied but I didn't really live. College hasn't worked out the way I thought it would thus far. I'm making strides to correct this problem. I have an out. I have an out that looks like it could end up being a perfect fit.

Funny how we go on thinking we want something, one day we change our minds and look for something much bigger and in time we realize that what we wanted wasn't all that far away. Call it a lapse in judgment, call it a learning experience, call it a momentary high, whatever you call it it happened. I've lived out this lapse, this experience, this high, and I've realized what I wanted. I've decided what is best for me.

When I got here I said I needed to be here. I said that I'd tough it out. I wasn't right in saying I needed to be here. You don't ever need to be anywhere except the place where you're the happiest. You need to be happy. That's pretty much my end game explanation. Find momentary happiness that will set you up for future happiness.

"You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven"

I haven't seen hell and i'd be lying if i told you I had even come close. This place isn't hell, I just know it isn't heaven either. 

These past two days I've had extremely good days. And in the week leading up to these days things seem to be going my way. I'm making my own luck and making my own happiness in a lot of ways. If I tell my self that something is going to happen why can't it? There's no natural force out there directly opposing me from accomplishing what I want. There's no Newton's Law of Preventing Good, so if I think positively I'll have more positive days. 

More than anything these past two days I've been grateful. I've been realizing just how good my life is. I have an amazing family. I have a loving mom, dad, and sister. I have a cousin here in New York who has not only been accommodating, but has gone out of his way to help me out and offer a place to hang on weekends. I have a grandpa who made coming to this school possible. I have an Aunt who has been like a second mom. Besides an awesome family I have the best friends in the world. We've grown up and gone our separate ways but somewhere in distance is an ever-present feeling of closeness. I've made some pretty cool friends here, but if you asked me who best friends were and where they were at I'd tell you that a bunch are in Ohio, that a few are in Pittsburgh, and one is in Charlottesville. 

I hate the word "blessed" but right now I'm way too blessed to be stressed.

I have a future, and I have a say in it. What more could I ask for?

NP: Springsteen- Eric Church

Trick or Treat?

Happy Halloween. That's it. 

Psych. 

Classes got cancelled for the rest of the week so busy doing this instead of homework that is due next week. Hell, I have the weekend, why bother now? 

So Halloween...what a strange holiday. It's a time for guys to dress like girls, for girls to dress like streetwalkers, and for streetwalkers to dress like celebrities. Okay maybe not everybody does that, but I like that generalization and I'm sticking to it. Halloween is cool if you like dressing up and eating candy. Unfortunately for me I'm not a candy person and costumes don't appeal to me. *Cue self righteous comment about how I don't want to be anyone except myself this Halloween* Nah, I'll skip that. I'm not too good for dressing up for Halloween. Rather; I'm just too cheap to buy a cool costume, too uncreative to make my own cool costume, and too proud to have a bad costume. 

I was never a great trick-or-treater growing up. After about three streets I was done. Why the hell would I want to canvas the neighborhood collecting a pillowcase full of candy I had no intentions of eating? I just wanted to dress up in whatever costume came with the best weapons. Zorro was guaranteed to have a cool sword. Army soldier would surely have a gun of some sort. Spiderman has a cool wrist attachment that shot silly string. (It's like I could trick the other people into thinking it was real webs, how naive.) 

Sure, Halloween has lost some of its allure, that's definitely true. That doesn't mean I wouldn't still go out if I really had the urge too. Maybe if I had a partner of some sort. You know, go as Bonnie and Clyde or FDR and Eleanor or maybe Jackie and JFK. (Those are the only power couples that came to mind off the top of my head.) Anyway, this Halloween I'll be listening to music in my dorm by myself until I fall asleep. And I'm happy with that. I'm very content with where I'm at right now. Emotionally at least. 

Hope all is well with my readers this Halloween.

Last thing, trick or treat? 

Good question right? Really thought provoking and mind altering. 

NP: I Almost Do- Taylor Swift

I hope you're good tonight

Pap called me today. We talked for awhile about school and classes and my grades. He told me I need o be patient and positive. He also said something that I've heard from a lot of different people over the years. He goes, "You sell yourself short, you can do more than you think."

I really don't think I do. I'm very aware of what I can do. It's like the quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I'm fairly certain that's the truest thing I've ever heard. I would die to hear that from someone.

Smarter than I think? I'm smart. I'm no brainiac but I have my strong suits.

Braver than I believe? Agreed.

Stronger than I seem? Again, agreed.

There's the confidence you're all looking for. It's here, believe me it's here. I won't forget what I have to offer. I just don't ever feel the need to showcase myself. I'll let others speak on my behalf and when it's my turn to talk I will. Talk about myself? That's not me, that's for the birds and bees.

I know I'm brave, strong, and smart. And I know that I don't need to tell you guys that. If you don't know that then let's be honest, you don't know me.

You might not ever know me, rather you'll know about me, but it doesn't hurt to try.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

extremes

Is going from one extreme to another a good thing or a bad thing? That's the question that was posed and here's the answer I'll give. It depends. 

In many cases moving from one extreme to another can be the best thing for you. For instance if you leave an abusive relationship and find someone who truly cares for you. That's jumping from the lowest point to one of the highest. A necessary change of extreme proportions. In that case going from one extreme to another is good. 

Likewise if you move in the opposite direction it is not good. Not just not good, very bad actually. 

Another example would be this: control of your emotions. I love emotional people, don't get me wrong, but there is something to be said about stability and consistency. Not to say that someone can't be consistently volatile, but being consistently level headed is a good thing to be. I can't tell you not to go from one extreme to another in emotions because we all know that there are certain things that will set a person off. We all have that fuse, be it long or short, we have it, it just has to be found. So in the case of emotional extremes it depends. If you have reason for your emotions to sway then by all means let them sway, but if you're one of those people changing their emotions solely to keep people guessing, that isn't cool. Emotional extremes, undetermined. 

Another thought passed through my head...love. I believe that you love an individual, not a certain type, and while there may be certain things you look for, each person has a different affect on you. What that means is this: you can love extremely different people for extremely different reasons. I love my friend Ty because he's unpredictable as hell, I love Dave because he's usually pretty level headed, I love Schweins because he's never serious, and I love Jared because he's somewhere in between the three. I love my mom for different reasons than I love Jenny. I've had two girlfriends my whole life and I don't think I loved them for nearly the same reasons. You can fall in love with the bad boy or bad girl and then go for the scholarly nerd if you want. You could be enticed by the humblest of people and at the same time drawn to the arrogant ones too. Love is funny because you'll never love two people the exact same way. Love in the extremes is fine, so long as you're being loved and loving the right way. Never love because you feel you should, never fake love, and if you choose to love do it with everything you have. 

I guess the final, major extreme I can think of comes in our decision making. Some people always take a risk, some people never do, and even more probably fall somewhere in between the two. You can make an extremely rash decision one day and then methodically plan out a decision the next. You can choose to live life on the edge on Monday, but choose to lay low for the other six days if you want. I'm not recommending people make stupid decisions, I'm just saying that people make extremely different choices all the time. People make decisions based on love, on lust, on morals, or on gut feeling. Sometimes those decisions will contradict one another and that's totally understandable. Different emotions will bring about different actions. We have conflicting emotions so sometimes we will have conflicting actions. Living life in the extremes can be a great thing if you do it right. If all the risks you take pay off and all the decisions not to risk it don't haunt you then living in the extremes will benefit you greatly. Unfortunately we don't know ahead of time which risks are the good and which are the bad. I encourage a life in the extremes, so long as you are always conscious of the possibilities, be them good or bad. 

I think jumping from one extreme to another can be good or maybe even great, but at the same time it can be bad or horrendous. Each situation is different and each person will feel differently about it. Maybe the only way to know if it's good or not is to try it out and see. Maybe jump from one extreme to another and see where you stand. If you don't like it see if you have any ways back. If not...well then you're shit out of luck. Every decision we make will teach us something if we let it. 

Live, misstep, and learn. Love, falter, and grow. 

Only through missteps and faltering will we ever become. 

Become what you might ask?

That's for your missteps to decide.  

NP: Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran

white lies

Is it okay to tell a lie? What about if it is to protect the person you're lying to or to protect someone else?

Every time I enter the city I'm asked by beggars and the homeless if I have any change or a few dollars to spare. Truth be told most times I do, but I always say that I don't. I can't give them money if I don't know for certain that it'll be put to good use. If they take that money and use it to feed an addiction then I'm enabling them and I might as well be the one stabbing the needle into their arm.

A priest once told my mom that certain secrets need to be kept in order to preserve something great. I'm not sure I agree with that. Lying to save yourself isn't right, but lying to save someone else might just be reason enough.

A lot of people will tell you that they don't lie. That's a lie. They lie. They're just better at lying to themselves.

NP: No Lie- 2 Chainz (sorry, it was fitting)

i feel so close to you right now

I've said on here that it doesn't matter how you get to a place so long as you get there. Although that's a very brilliant remark and I am in no way questioning my overall genius sometimes I step back and think  about how certain things came to be.

Like the interaction you have with one person and how that interaction transforms and grows and moves along.

How you go from point A to point B. Point A being acquaintances and point B being whatever you so choose it to be. Is it that? Is it a choice? Is it a conscious choice that we make? Or is it something else?

When we meet someone do we know immediately what we want from them and what we will do to get it? I'm sure it takes time. But it seems some things happen without a rhyme or reason.

Maybe rhyme and reason are overrated though. Maybe making sense is old fashioned and the new age is not understanding why things happen and just going with it.

I have a problem just going along with it though. I seek a reason behind every coincidence and I'm not one who plays around with chance. I'm not a betting man but if I were...well I'll never be a betting man so never mind . The only thing I'll ever bet on is myself and the things I directly control.

I hate the "it'll all work out the way it's supposed to" and "whatever is meant to be will be" sayings. I'm ignorant in that sense.

Why doesn't anyone say "it'll all work out if you do everything in your power to achieve exactly what you want" or "whatever is meant to be is directly controlled by your actions and what you invest".... maybe it's too hard to say.

Because to me that's what it is. It's about what you put in. It's about taking chance and happenstance out of the equation and just doing it.

To me it isn't about taking a trip to New York if it's meant to be, rather it's about getting your ass there and testing the waters.

It's a risk and it's you who has to decide if the risk is worth taking.

I risked it. And now I lay and wait.

NP: Take Care- Drake

old fool

The Megabus is becoming like my second home. Long bus rides don't phase me anymore. That's evident when a 3 hour bus ride to Aunt Reenie's is a short trip. The bus isn't really as bad as I make it out to be.

Sure it's usually uncomfortable as all hell and occasionally you get stuck with some prick, but for the most part it isn't all bad. Sometimes you even get stuck next to someone cool. Someone who makes you think.

People who can make you think are only bested by the ones who can make you dream.

Dreamers are the coolest people. They're the ones with so many thoughts running through their heads they need to use the time sleeping to live out what they couldn't with their eyes open. I don't dream as much as I used to, but when I do it's usually about people. The events surrounding them is always blurry but the people are cemented in my mind.

I think that's because I'm a people person. Not in the sense of being really outgoing and friendly, but rather in the sense of I like being with people. To me it isn't about the time or the place it's about the people you're with. I wouldn't want to spend a year vacationing in the Bahamas alone as much as I'd want to spend three hours trapped on a bus with someone close to me.

I guess calling it trapped isn't right though. I would gladly choose to be there.

I'd like to be there right now actually.

All the space in the world by myself would never be as comfortable as a crammed space with someone close to me.

Ride with me and you'd understand.

It'll be lonely if you let it be that way, but it doesn't have to be.

Sometimes I almost wish certain times could stop and play over again. I almost do. 

But if I stopped time and reran the things that already occurred there would be no such thing as the future. And that'd be a damn shame. Our future isn't certain, anything but, but our future is bright. Bright in the sense of possibilities.

Possibilities are intoxicating. Potentiality is intoxicating. People, places, and things are intoxicating.

Love is by far the most intoxicating thing.

Love is also by far the most confusing thing.

It leaves you sitting in your chair looking out at the city. Wondering. About who? About what?

About the form of it all. Not the individual, but about how each individual plays into the grand scheme of things. How each individual action has deeper repercussions than we can see or understand.

Every action we take complicates life. But a life without complications wouldn't be much of a life at all.

A life without a little mystery and puzzlement wouldn't be much of a story.

I want my life to be a story.

I want some puzzlement and questioning, some adventure and some reasoning, some love and learning. I want it all and then some.

I want to see what all is out there.

I bet you'd be up for that wouldn't you?

NP: Grand Theft Autumn- Fall Out Boy

positive

Still feeling pretty good. Finally got an A on a midterm the other day. Not just an A either, a 98%. That's the one shining mark among my seemingly mediocre grades. Maybe my grades aren't mediocre, I just expect more, and maybe better grades will follow. I've been putting in more time in the classes I feel I need to.

Aside from classes life is pretty good. My Ground Floor group and I have been getting together regularly and we always seem to have a pretty good time. For five very different people we get along really well. Speaking of Ground Floor I'm pretty sure I should have an A in there and not a B+...gonna have to talk to my professor.

Anyway, things in New York are swell. Getting the most out of the time I have here. Time is more precious than any of us realize. Even when we think we know, we have no idea. It's impossible for us to understand the concept of time and the finitude of our time. We have a set amount of time on this planet and I can't tell you what dictates that time. Be it a belief that God has it predetermined or whatever you believe your time here is limited. Your time is limited not just in years living, but in time in a place.

You're limited to life in this city. Limited to life with certain people. Limited to life with certain characteristics and traits. Not to say you can't live in the same city forever, live with your family, and maintain the same traits. All I'm saying is that time passes, people leave, you won't look the way you do forever, and that viewpoint of yours on the world might just change too.

We have the time to do whatever we want. Some people say that they have no time. That's wrong though. The time spent dwelling on how little time you have is time you could spend doing what you want to do. "No time like the present" and all that jazz. Time isn't holding you back, you're holding you back. Sure some people have busier schedules than other. So?

Make time, take time, find time.

Sleep less.

Live more.

Love.

NP: Nothing Lasts Forever- Maroon 5

fake it til you make it

Fake it til you make it refers to happiness. Somebody close to me recommended it because recently I haven't been the cheeriest person in the world.

I should've already been trying that. The other day I said something I thought was remarkably philosophical.

Negativity is the base of all evil and while positivity isn't the base of all good it does set you up for the good. 

Sometimes I find myself being overwhelmingly pessimistic and negative...but for what? Is it ever really that bad? Probably not.

So why not be positive?

Because it's harder?

Sure, oftentimes it is harder, but it feels so much better. Today was a positive day. I think it stemmed from a positive weekend that culminated early this morning. There's a lot going on in my life. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of surprises every day, a lot of unexpected love and fun.

Positivity sets you up for the good, but the good won't just come to you. You'll see it in time. Be it a person, an opportunity, big, or small, you will see it.

It might just be a chance to help somebody out. A chance to tell someone you love them on a whim. Maybe it'll be something more daring and secretive. Maybe it'll be something with an everlasting impact on your future, maybe it'll be something from your past, or maybe it'll be both. Maybe your past, present, and future aren't as different as they might appear.

It seems from time to time that happiness is hiding. That isn't the case though. Happiness is never gone away. It might be disguised in something you're unfamiliar with, but it is always there.

Small victories everyday. That's what it takes.

Be happy or fake it.

Everyone looks better with a smile. That's the truth.

NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

confidence is key

I've been told before that I need to be more confident.

The thing is...I am confident. I have a confidence about me that I choose not to display in the normal ways.

I have each one of my abilities assessed accurately and for that, I am confident.

When someone asks me a question about how good I am at something or how smart I am I choose to respond that I'm average. In that instance I can tell the other person's opinion of my answer. Some are frustrated by my lack of detail, some accept it as modesty, and some mistake it for a lack of confidence. I know "how smart I am" or "how good I am" at different things, but it isn't for me to tell the person asking. If we based our knowledge of others solely off what they told us was true then we would oftentimes be led astray.

Confidence isn't telling someone how good you are at something, confidence is leaving it up for interpretation knowing that your actions will speak far louder than your words ever could have. 

Plenty of men are confident in abilities they do not possess. Plenty of men lack confidence.

I'm not one of those men.

I'm a man with an understanding of self. With a deep understanding of what I have to offer each person and each situation I am cast into. I'm just a man who doesn't feel the need to tell you he is good at something. A man who would rather you take the time to figure him out on your own.

Don't ask me what I can do. Get to know me and see what I can.

NP:  Don't Wake Me Up- Chris Brown

Over With

Still waiting to hear back...

But anyway, I'm finally done with my midterms which is quite the relief. Now I can focus on staying caught up and even getting ahead in my classes. My first big week of college exams was nothing short of stressful and painful. I survived though, even if just barely.

I'm not really sure what to talk about on here anymore.

I think that's a sign that I'm not thinking about things as much as I used to. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Sometimes I liked over thinking things. I liked having my mind whirling with thoughts of what could be and what should be. I still think about what will be and what might be, but on a lesser scale. I have a lot of good in my life. I have a lot of questionable parts too. The main conflict I'm faced with is the decision of what is truly good and what isn't. There are desires and dreams I have that I question as being wholly good. The constant struggle I find myself in is one of searching for what makes me truly happy.

I guess I'm still a dreamer and a thinker. More than either of those I am an explorer. I am but one kid in a huge city, searching for the smallest things that make him happy. Sounds like a trip fit for Columbus or Magellan.

I'm waiting, I'm dreaming, I'm loving, but am I living?

I hope so because these dreams are too good to let go of.

NP: Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

inspir(e)(ation)

I went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower tonight and it made me miss Pittsburgh. Not miss it in the sense of homesickness really. Rather, missing it in a renewed sense of understanding. A sense of understanding that Pittsburgh is and always will be my home. When Charlie, Sam, and Patrick came through the Fort Pitt Tunnel and the city became visible my heart started racing.

It was a thing I'd seen so many times, but for the first time was seeing for what it truly is. It's a place I've come to love. It's a place I've always loved, but a place I took for granted. It's a city where I've fallen in love, where loved ones have passed, and where I became the person I am today.

When they came through the tunnel I know that everyone in the theater felt something similar to what I felt. They felt what they had read. They felt what they thought it would feel like. The felt what they heard it was like and what they saw it was like on a movie screen. But they didn't feel the rush of a million memories housed in the city. They didn't visualize where each turn would take you. They had an idea, but they hadn't lived it like I did. Maybe the only other person in the theater who understood it completely was my Aunt. She's from home. She gets it.

New York is a magnificent city. And if one chooses to they can get lost in its splendor for an eternity. But the city will take what you let it. It can chew you up and spit you out having robbed you of everything. It can turn an average man into a mogul or into a hobo. It's a city where you can make a new name or forget the one you were born with, and believe me, there's a vast difference between the two.

As for me, the city hasn't taken much. Sure the higher cost of living and public transportation has robbed me blind, but other than that I'm the same me I left home as. I'm still confident I'll make something of myself. I still love writing and my friends back home. I still hold to my morals. I still think more than I should.

The only thing the city has taken from me that I really miss is something you'll never notice if your eyes are fixed on the pavement or cars whistling by. I miss the stars. And the city could take a lot more from me if I let it, but I won't.

Perks made me realize two things.
1. I want to be home. Not for reasons like not wanting to grow up or let go of the past, rather because I know it's where I belong.
2. I really want a typewriter. That would be the sickest thing ever.

NP: Anything Could Happen- Ellie Goulding

off my game

It's been almost a week since my last blog and that's unforgivable. Sorry to have left you guys hanging for so long. I'm still alive if you were wondering. I'm alive and healthy in the Bronx. I've lost some weight since I got here thanks to horrible cafeteria food, but other than that I'd say I am in good health. School is... well school is going. Not fast, not slow, not great, and not as bad as it could be. I'm in the middle of midterms right now and I don't feel great. Today has been an extremely detached day. A day where I feel alone and where I feel anxious.

My anxiety is really playing with my mind. I worry myself to the point of nauseousness and my leg will not stop shaking. It's moving at a more accelerated pace than usual. These past few days I've been doing more thinking than I should.

Thoughts about a lot of different things.

Things like school, love, life, happiness, belonging, friendship, regret, disappointment, grades, stress, coping, moving on, looking back, and tattoos. (Yes, you read right, tattoos.)

I can't explain all of those to you right now because I'm not sure where I'd start. Plus I have a history midterm to keep studying for so there is that aspect too.

For those of you who care to know; just know I'm pushing forward, I'm okay, and I'm hopeful.

I love every last one of you.

I'll leave you with a quote from The Great Gatsby, which happens to be a quote I like as a possible tattoo idea.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." 

NP: It's Time- Imagine Dragons

eyes

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes....
Maybe then you'd realize....
Realize, why I feel this way inside.

And if you saw your eyes through my eyes, you'd understand why no other pair of eyes could ever seem as alive.

You'd understand why looking into other eyes makes me realize the eyes I want to look into.

Into your eyes I look and see myself. And in myself I see you. And in you and I, I see us. And in us I see happiness. And in happiness I see life. And without you, well without you I don't see the same life.

These eyes they have seen and these eyes they have been seen. These eyes have closed and these eyes have cried. You've seen them at their best and you've seen them at their worst. You've seen these eyes look into your eyes. And in that moment you've heard me say three words.

And those three words don't need eyes and those three words don't need light. They don't need to be seen, but they need to be believed.

Believe what I've seen, and believe what I've said.

You can see those three words, they're written in my eyes.

library thoughts

I have some of the strangest little mind games I play with myself.

For instance, each letter in the alphabet is assigned a number A is 1, B is 2, all the way to Z being 26. I oftentimes look at names of people and try to break their name apart into equally summed parts. For example Ashley is 1+19+8+12+5+25=70. There's no good way to break the name apart. Three and three and you have 28 on one side and 42 on the other.

I also do things like count the number of steps I take in between cracks in the pavement. Most sidewalks are laid out in intervals of four strides. Some are longer and take 10. Depends on where you are at obviously.

Another thing I do is try to look at a sentence and guess where it needs to be broken up to have an equal number of letters on each side.  52 and 55. (Pretty close) 

I'm a strange son of a bitch, but I don't mind it at all. 

falsely labeled

How often do we label something falsely? Be it a person, place, or even an idea we do it more times than we realize. Sometimes we give it a negative label before really looking into it and others we expect too much from. Some people would be pessimistic and tell you that great expectations lead to great disappointments, but I on the other hand believe that it is good to have high expectations. Sure when something or someone doesn't meet that expectation it hurts. But if you have low expectations and they are always met is there any real satisfaction in that? I say no. I expect a lot. Sometimes I'm let down. Other times I'm reminded why setting high expectations feels so good.

Expect a lot, but expect imperfection. We're not perfect and if we seem it then you've already accepted our flaws. In which case, good for you, you're an understanding person and that's not easy to be.

NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

yom kippur

I'm not Jewish, nor do I claim to be. I just saw all the Jewish people I know apologizing for things on Twitter and Facebook so I guess you atone for any wrongdoings you have committed in the last year. I'd like to take this time to apologize too...

I'd like to apologize to anyone I've ever wronged intentionally. Whoever you are, I am sorry. Intentionally wronging you means that I was extremely weak at that time. Whether you deserved what I did to you or not I am sorry.

I'd like to apologize to anyone I've unknowingly wronged. I'm sure more people fall into this category than I'll ever know. I joke around a lot, and I mean A LOT, and I'm sure I take it too far at times. If my joking has ever got past the point of a joke and actually upset you then I am sorry. I really didn't mean it.

I'd like to apologize to anyone I will wrong in any way in the future. It would be ignorant to think I'll never do wrong to someone again. I'll hurt people, and for that, I am sorry.

I'd like to apologize to myself. I've let myself down before and in fact letting down others is the worst let down for me. I hate disappointing people, especially those close to me. The closest being myself.

I'd also like to take this last part to forgive myself. Forgive myself for letting down or hurting any of you, and also for letting down and hurting myself. If you can't forgive yourself you're going to have a tough time in this life. I promise you that.

Apologize and forgive.

I'm Here

This week is off to a better start. Hanging with John and Joe Lach on Friday was nice. It made me realize something though. I don't think I'm made to live in the city. I think I'm made to love the city, but I couldn't live here. The crowded apartments and public transportation. That just isn't for me.

I'm in love with New York, I really am, but I can't live here.

I'm a suburban PA kid at heart. I'm a hop in the Subaru and drive somewhere kid, not a catch the subway kind of kid.

I could handle life in Oakland or Shadyside because I like having a house. Apartments aren't for me. Granted I won't always be able to afford a house, but a penthouse apartment just doesn't appeal to me the same way a house like my one in Oakdale does. A doorman? I'd rather just have a dog that watches my house.

I'm not sure if it's the fast pace that I don't like or the bajillions of people. The impersonal feel of such a large city. I like having real neighbors. Maybe this is all an overreaction, but I honestly could never see myself settling down and having a family in New York City. I just couldn't.

Feeling a bit indifferent towards most things right now. I'm beyond excited to come home and see my two best friends this weekend though. I haven't seen Ty in nearly two months and Ash in nearly two weeks. I'm 100% sure that Ty and I will pick right back up where we left off in summer. The kid is like my brother. I look up to him and I don't think he even knows it.

He's chasing his dream. I'm not sure I can say the same about myself. I'm in the business school. I want to write. See the problem?

I'll find my way. One way or another I will. I'm gonna end up where I need to end up. That's guaranteed.

NP: Over- Drake

scar tissue

Have you ever taken the time to examine your scars? I'm not talking about just identifying where they are, I'm saying have you ever evaluated those scars and seen the stories they might have to tell?

Looking at my body I can find plenty of scars.

My legs are covered in scars from both soccer and baseball. I have two other scars that have been concealed a bit over time.

One scar is above my left eye. I was at the doctor's office with my mom at about three years old when I bolted out of the room. I came around the corner and ran smack into the edge of a coffee table.

Looking at that scar I guess it was the world's way of showing me not to run away from my mom. It's pretty symbolic if you really look into it. Symbolic and ironic at the same time. Ironic because I got hurt at the doctor's office.

Looking at that scar I can tell that I should never run away from my momma. She always has my best interest in mind. I guess at a very young age I learned leaving her side could be dangerous.

The other scar I have is behind my right ear. I want to say it was sixth grade when it happened. I was outside in my front yard when my neighbor across the street began riding his electric powered mini car at me. I kept backing up and backing up until I ripped my ear open on a pillar in front of my house. My ear bled like crazy and I had to go to the ER.

If I had to overanalyze this scar I would say that it tells me never to back down. Never let your fears drive you back. All I had to do was step to one side or the other and I would have been fine. I was a bit scared though. Don't be scared.

Those are my visible scars.

God knows I have some that nobody can see.

I broke my leg once, my wrist once, and tore my quad once. Those bones have mended and my quad has calcified and healed as much as it can. Even those mended bones and fixed muscles leave behind scarred tissue. It can't be seen, but you know it's there.

Those scars are all physically inflicted wounds. I'd venture to say that the majority of scars aren't visible. I'd also guess that most scarring is emotional.

It's easier to hide those scars in my opinion, but unlike physical scars, emotional ones are the ones that become more noticeable over time. Physical scars fade, while emotional scars surface.

I've got scars of all sorts, ask me about them if you'd like.

NP: Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers

sweet set up

I have a pretty sweet set up right now. You see, the thing is, I'm dating my best friend. 

I only had one girlfriend through middle school in high school. For four years I had a girlfriend and I had a best friend that whole time too. The two were not the same person though. I jumped into a relationship at the beginning of eighth grade. I wasn't friends with my girlfriend before that point. Sure, I became friends with her in time, but I never would have called her my best friend.

This time is different.

This time I went from the acquaintance stage, our junior year, to the friends stage throughout most of senior year. To be honest I was pretty sure I was in a type of glass ceiling relationship where I could see the next level, but I could never achieve it. In time she became my best friend. When summer rolled around she was still my best friend, but again, the glass ceiling feeling. Wanting more but thinking I'd never get there.

Then I left for school and boom, now she's my girlfriend. Not the normal way things play out, at all, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The cool part is this... I can watch tv with her like she's just my best friend, I can take her on dates like she's just my girlfriend, but no matter what we're doing I can just be myself. It's a natural friendship that evolved into much more.

I also think of it like this... there are some things I tell her as my friend, some things I tell her as my girlfriend, and some things I tell her as both. I tell her everything, and that is pretty cool.

I'm lucky.

Luckier than most.

Madly. Crazily. Happily.

In love.

NP: Too Close- Alex Clare

bus encounter

Last night I caught the 11:45 Megabus back to NYC from Pittsburgh. I boarded the bus, ascended the stairs, and sat down next to a young man who looked pretty harmless.

The first thing he did was offer me a beer. I politely refused. His name was Brendan. He asked me if I went to Penn State and I told him that I went to a school in New York called Fordham. He said he knows Fordham and he went on to tell me that he went to Penn State, but now he works in New York City. He told me he hated his job and asked me my major. I told him accounting, but that I didn't want to crunch number for the rest of my life. He told me it was okay to hate your job, that everybody's 9 to 5 sucks. He asked me what year I was and when I told him I was a freshman he sighed, "I'm so jealous of you," he said, "I envy you. You have the best four years of your life ahead of you." I laughed and said that's what everybody tells me. He went on to tell me he had regrets about college...I told him he didn't have to list them. He was grateful for that. My phone lit up for a second and he saw the picture of Ashley as my screen background and he asked, "You have a girlfriend?" I replied yes and that she is why I was back in Pittsburgh. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry to say it, but it won't last." I laughed at that too. He shut up for a little while and decided to move up a seat in front to sit with a girl he had been chatting with. I put in headphones, but as I laid my head down one fell out. I heard Brendan talking to the girl about me. Nothing malicious, just how I was young and naive and how it wouldn't last, it never does. He told Amy, that was the girl's name, about how he had a girlfriend of two years and after college it fell apart. He had told me the same thing and that she was the greatest girl he ever met. He told Amy he didn't mean to crush my hopes and dreams but that it was the reality of it.

You see, what Brendan didn't know was that he challenged me. He's just another person that wants me to think certain things are impossible. Brendan was in no way a bad person, he was just in a bit of a drunken stupor. He meant every word he said and everything that he said was what he believed to be the truth. Thank you for that, Brendan. Not that you'll ever read this, but thanks. Thanks for showing me what I don't want to be like in four years time.

You see, Brendan, you and I are very different.
You have a job you hate. I refuse to do that. I refuse to settle. 
You let the girl you loved walk away. I won't. 

I'm very aware of the fact that he was just trying to tell me what he believed was the truth...he was wrong though. Plain and simple he was wrong.

I'm not going to end up like Brendan. A sad, alone, unhappy, 22 year old kid telling an 18 year old that his love won't last.

In four years if I find myself next to an 18 year old kid on the Megabus I plan on telling him he can do whatever he wants. That if he loves something, whatever it is, he can make it happen. You see Brendan made the grave mistake of thinking I was anything like him. I'm not though. That 18 year old boy I meet years from now won't be like me either, and because of that I cannot tell him that something won't work. I'm not here to crush hopes and dreams.

I'm here to inspire.

I don't quit on things. Especially not on things I love.

NP: Missed Calls- Mac Miller

you wake up and it's forever

Have you ever woken up next to somebody and had them say, "I want this forever."? And in that moment the little voice inside you says, "Forever is a long time. Maybe that's a bold statement." but in the eyes of the girl looking back at you is yourself. And not only do you see yourself, you see the you that would be lost without her. You tell her that you want forever too, and you know deep down that you mean it. You're very cognizant of the fact that it's going to be difficult, that at times it's going to hurt, but looking at her you know it'll all be worth it.

You know you aren't perfect and she isn't either, but that in somewhere in your imperfections the two of you are perfect, for each other at least.

The littlest things she does are the things you love the most. (you love the big things too) You go out of your way to make her smile. You have a lot of firsts with her. Including taking her someplace you've never taken anyone else.

You spend the next half hour talking about the future. Talking about something that's very uncertain. Uncertain doesn't mean impossible though.

I'm not someone who likes to talk about things that aren't for sure, about things I can't guarantee. I feel like I'm in control of this though. I talk about forever because I know what I want. I'm only eighteen, but I'm not stupid.

Call her my weakness, I guess you could say she makes me weak. More than making me weak she makes me strong though. And more than making me strong she makes me smile.

You could call this a perfect weekend, I wouldn't argue with that at all.

NP: Angel- Shaggy

11 years of 9/11

Spending the eleventh anniversary of 9/11 in New York is surreal. I dare not venture to the 9/11 Memorial today because I feel it isn't my place. I want to see the beautiful memorial, but not on a day like today. Today is a day for the families and friends of those who perished.

To act like I have any business being there with them would be shameful.

Eleven years ago today our country was shook. To say I had an understanding of the severity of what happened in second grade would be a lie. Even today I can't grasp the full picture of what happened. I'll never understand why it happened. I'll never understand the full scale effects it had and is still having.

It was a day that changed America. It brought about a lot of fear and it brought about even more hatred.

It unified us, it inspired us, it scared us, and it showed us that being scared is okay.

It showed us that we're stronger than we seem.

I'm at a loss for words on a day like today. Walking to class this little blurb struck me...

There's a brisk breeze blowing that refuses to let you forget. 
Not that we would forget,
or that we could forget. 
Because forgetting would mean saying it was okay,
and saying it was okay would mean giving up.
And giving up would be unfair, 
unfair because those who died never did.
But we won't forget.
The breeze won't let us. 

Today is a sobering day.

NP: Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

the truest truth is total trust

The title kind of says it all. The most truthful thing is when you have total trust in another person. I've said on here it isn't hard to gain my trust...that was a lie. Very few people have ever fully gained my trust. Probably around three or four ever.

For me trust is based off of a lot of different variables. The main ones being love and respect. I can't fully trust a person if I don't love them in some sense of the word. There also has to be a certain level of respect for that person for me to trust him or her.

If I don't respect a person I can't expect them to have my best intentions in mind, and if they don't have my best intentions in mind how can I trust them? The same goes for love. Not only do I have to love the person, but I have to feel loved by them. Maybe it isn't love so much as it is care. If I can tell that a person truly cares about me then I have trust in them.

Other factors include past experiences with the person and what I feel their intentions are.

Before I share something with someone I judge whether or not I feel they are in it for their own personal betterment. Some people come to your aid only to help themselves. They don't say that is the case, but oftentimes they want nothing more than to see what you're up to and make sure they're a leg up.

Obviously previous encounters play a huge part in trust too. If a person acts in a deceitful way or a way that hurts you, the chances are you will not fully trust them again.

Some people are just easier to trust than others. Maybe that's because we know immediately who is in control of a situation. We're naturally disposed to trust certain people easier. People who have a lot to hide can either be really easy to trust or really hard to trust. If they're going to confide in you, then more than likely you'll return the favor. Then you keep the playing field level.

I guess trust is a power struggle of sorts. It's about feeling in control of all that you have. You won't give up that power to just anyone. It has to be someone you feel won't hurt you or someone you have something on. It's a see-saw where the person in control can shift quite easily.

The truth of the matter is that truly trustworthy people are few and far between, that secrets shared with one person usually reach the ears of the masses, and that it's a lot easier to lose trust than gain it. 

That doesn't mean you can't trust everyone. There are good people out there.

My trust is like my debit card, I wouldn't hand it out to somebody unless I knew for certain they weren't going to abuse it. 

With my trust comes my heart. So if i've given you my trust, you also have at least some part of my heart. Break one and the other shatters along with it.

Quite the responsibility, huh? I trust you though.

NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

catch up

It's been a while and I'm sorry for that. I haven't been feeling great and I'm been slacking. My sincerest apologies to everyone.

I guess I'll start with the fact that last night was the worst yet. I had a very lonely day yesterday. I've been going against what I preach.

I want things to be like they were a month ago. 

I miss home, or rather, what I imagine is still my home.

I don't think Oakdale would feel much like home right now though. My friends are scattered. My best friend is in Cincinnati. My baby is in Akron. My other best friends are spread out at Pitt, Virginia, and Akron. My family is still there and they always will be. Home will always be home in that sense.

I miss Ty more than he knows. I miss texting him all day like we used to. I miss him complaining to me like he used to. I guess I sort of took that all for granted.

I miss Ashley. She knows how much though. We talk all day, everyday. Talk about distance making the heart grow fonder. This New York state of mind is racing, thinking about possibilities.

What if I went somewhere else? What if they were closer?

What ifs crush the spirit though.

I called my mom last night and told her exactly how I'm feeling. I told her I don't feel at home yet. That I long for how things used to be. That I'm crazy about this girl in Akron. That I feel so far away from everything.

She told me it's going to take time and that I need to wait and see. She asked me if I was saying I wanted to leave. I told her no. I don't want to let everyone down. It's not just her and Pap I don't want to let down. It's the classmates who congratulated me on getting in to my dream school, it's my friends' parents, and more than anything it's myself.

I don't want to be just another kid who couldn't hack it. That isn't me. I was made for city living and its where I need to be. Like I said when I got here, "I might not want to be here, but I need to be here."

This is an opportunity. I worked my ass off in high school to position myself for the rest of my life. I've arrived, but just when you think you've arrived you need to start again. You need to find that drive and know that making it to school in NYC isn't going to be enough. The internships are there for the taking, the contacts that will help me later on in life are within reach, the opportunities are endless.

I want to be big time, but before I'm big time I have to be the small fish again. I have to scratch and claw my way to the top. I have to get uncomfortable and meet people. I'm blessed to have already found Peter and Steve. They're good guys.

They won't be enough though. I need to find more people. I need a cache of friends.

Last night I was scared, but today I'm motivated. I'm motivated to make something of myself starting today. Wanting isn't enough. Doing is.

Time to do.

8 days.

Tonight, I'm with family. I'm in Forty Fort.

NP: Mansard Roof- Vampire Weekend

timing

More or less, it's all about timing. Our schedules revolve around what time we have to be here or there. We try to be right on time for everything we do, but it's tough to do.

It's even more difficult for the timing to be right when there is no schedule involved. When we don't have someone telling us what time to be ready we more than likely won't be.

The truest problem arises when being late isn't our only worry, but being early is too. There are certain times in life where being early is just as bad as being late. Some things aren't ready for us when we are ready for them. We want something, but the timing just isn't right. We're too early. We try to wait, but it is hard to wait for something that seems like it's never coming around.

Then, sometimes, it does come back around. That doesn't always guarantee that you'll still be waiting though. You can go from being early to being late in the blink of an eye.

There isn't always going to be someone telling you what time is the right time.

In fact, most major things in your life will probably happen by chance. Now in no way am I saying you don't need to be punctual. Being on time for things is essential, especially if you hope of retaining any career. Rather, what I'm saying, is that a lot of timing, well it just happens.

Good timing or bad timing.

Being at the wrong place at the wrong time or being at the right place at the right time.

Sometimes it's about the luck of the draw.

I'm usually someone who ascribes to the idea that we make our own luck, but in certain cases things just fall into place.

Sometimes things fall into place and sometimes they fall apart.

Time is a strange thing and having the right time is a rare accomplishment.

It's not easy to be on time.

Put yourself in the position to be on time and hopefully the time will be right.

I hope the timing is right when you most need it to be.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

settled in

I can truly say I feel settled in at college right now. I miss certain aspects of home, but life here is good. I have my group of friends that I hang out with and I still keep in touch with everyone back home. It's a good mix. It's nice to be hanging with kids here and be texting my best friends back home.

I wake up most days and feel a rush of homesickness. That feeling quickly fades once my day gets moving and I don't feel it the rest of the day. I keep myself busy with classwork and lifting.

I can't wait until the end of the month when I Megabus home and head out to Akron to see Ashley. I'll also get to stop at home and see my family for a little while which is much needed. I didn't think I would but I miss my sister, mom, and Dad. I'll also get to see Ethan out at Akron which will be really nice.

I'm also expecting some visitors up here in NYC. I don't know when that'll be, but I'm excited to show everyone around my favorite city. The other day I spent in the city with John was great. It was relaxing, just walking around and spending some time with my closest cousin. I plan on doing that a lot. (Hopefully that's okay with him.) I'd enjoy spending my weekends on his futon as much as I would in my own bed.

I'm realizing more and more that it isn't about where in the world you are, it's about who in the world you're with. 

Sure, New York is the greatest city on earth, but if I hadn't made friends I wouldn't want to be here. The sights can only ease a person's mind for so long. Truly good company is what makes a place worth living in.

I'd love to live in Manhattan when I get older. Doing what? I'm not sure. It doesn't matter to me where I live though. As long as I have my family with me and I know where my friends are I'll be set. I said that home is where the heart is and that still holds true. The heart can move around though and so can your home.

I really enjoy and identify with the saying, "Home is wherever I am with you." 

I could be anywhere in the world and as long as I had that one person there with me I'd be at home.

I'll be home soon.

NP: Count On Me- Bruno Mars

mend it now or let it hurt forever

Bruises will fade in time. Broken bones will mend too. Some wounds have to be taken care of right away though. Wounds to the heart especially. You can't put those off for another day. You need to address them and correct them as soon as you can.

I have a bruised hand, and I can ignore that. I know that I can let it fix itself.

I have blistered feet. Those will go away in time as well.

You can't let your heart stray though. When you feel that happening you need to rope it back in and figure it out.

I talk about this shit like I know something you guys don't. I'm no better than the rest of you. And anytime I think that, I'm just being a self righteous prick.

I don't feel well today.

Today is a homesick day.

NP: Mr. Brightside- The Killers

subway ride

Today I spent my day with John in the city. We went out to Brooklyn and it was my first time there. A rather enjoyable experience I might add.

On our subway ride back to Manhattan we had a nice little moment together.

John and I were standing on the subway and sitting down a ways across from us was a little baby strapped into a carrier. His mom was typing up an email of some sort and the baby was staring at us. John and I immediately started making faces at the baby. Cracking huge grins, sticking our tongues out, hell it got to the point we were playing peek a boo with a baby that was fifteen feet away from us. We were moving all around on a crowded subway, and you know what? We didn't care.

We didn't care what people though of us. We were doing anything to get a smile on that boy's face.

We had him smiling for a solid ten minutes straight before we were forced to leave our newest friend behind.

That little kid represented innocence. A pure form of innocence. Innocence for John and I as well as for the baby.

That baby had no idea who we were. He had not an inkling as to what our backgrounds were, what our intentions might have been, or where we were from. He didn't have any preconceived notions as to who is good or who is bad. No prejudices towards anyone around him. Nothing like that. He just wanted to smile. 

As for John and I we just wanted to make that little boy happy. Even if it was only for a ten minute subway ride. I don't know what type of home life that boy will have. I don't know if he has a father. I knew nothing about him, but I wanted him to be happy. 

On a subway full of people with their heads down, one little boy had his head held high.

It was pretty symbolic actually.

Shows you how the world can tear you down if you let it.

You have too many smiles in you to do anything else but smile.

The world will give you a reason to put your head down, so it's up to you to have reasons to do the opposite

Find those reasons.

NP: Somewhere Only We Know- Keane

first weekend is here

I've had my first three days of class. Nothing too fancy in any of them. I already did a math assignment and read some Plato. I'm feeling super cultured and worldly now. I can't tell which classes will be my hardest, but I think I'll be able to handle the workload no matter what it is. Fridays and Tuesdays I only have one class for fifty minutes. Those are the days I need to get a majority of my work done.

I'll describe college thus far for all of you.

Monday through Friday my day starts at 7:30 AM. I have my alarm set the night before, but I don't really need it. The Metro North wakes me up every morning anyway. After waking up I go and brush my teeth and then, depending what day of the week it is, I decide if I have time for breakfast or not. Today I just grabbed a coffee from the caf and headed to philosophy.

Despite what the Princeton Review says, the food here isn't that bad. I eat a lot of soup. I also drink a ton of orange guava passionfruit juice, apple juice, and chocolate soy milk. I refuse to drink anything that isn't juice, milk, coffee, or water. Soda is the devil. So is college pizza.

When I'm not eating, sleeping, or sitting in class I'm probably hanging out with my new friends or lifting.

When I say my new friends I'm referring to the two kids I've met from Connecticut, Steve and Peter. Steve and Peter went to high school together and I met Steve in my orientation group...the only good thing that's come out of that damn orientation.

Steve, Peter, and I go to eat dinner together most nights and we hang out during the day too. We went to the football game last night which was cool. That was the first football game I've watched from the stands in over three years.

I'm making this place my home.

It's feeling a lot better.

I love how close the city is.

I love this campus.

NP: No Faith In Brooklyn- Hoodie Allen

my first days

So it's been a few days since I blogged for you all and it's because I've just been trying to catch my breath. Sunday was move in day which went fine. My only real comment on that would have to be my goodbyes.

I realized how much I'm going to miss my sister. She gave me such a cool gift and it showed me how much I mean to her.

I realized that I am a product of my father. During our goodbyes my Dad pulled me in really quick for a hug and then walked away. I could see him lift his glasses up and I thought maybe he was crying. He wasn't crying though, he was sobbing. He looked just like I do when I cry. His face got all red, he was somewhat hyperventilating, and he was having a tough time talking. I'm a product of him you see, and he's going to miss all the games. Football, soccer, and baseball alike. Those are where we connected. I know he'll be okay, he's overcome much greater obstacles in his life.

I realized my mom is a great women. (I already knew that, but it became even more obvious.) She didn't shed a tear (something she apologized for the next day) but I know she's missing me.

I've talked to my mom every day since I got up here and I plan on continuing to do so.

Orientation these past two days was horrible. We were constantly moving around and had to do all sorts of stupid icebreakers.

I felt homesick and still do, but I think everybody gets that way at least for a while.

Now that classes have started I'm hoping I get into the swing of things and begin to feel more at home. If I don't, well if I don't I'm not sure what options I really have. I have a great opportunity at hand, I'm in one of the top 50 business schools in the country. I also have internships galore only a train ride away.

I don't know if I want to be here right now, but I'm pretty sure I need to be here. 

I had my first class today...philosophy. Not too bad. The professor seems nice enough and the class doesn't appear as though it'll be too hard. Only time will tell I guess.

I miss my mom, my Dad, my sister, my bed, my house, my friends, my best friends. I miss feeling at home, feeling comfortable, feeling safe.

I miss a lot, but if I leave, I'll miss even more. 

29 Days

NP: High For This- Ellie Goulding

scared

I'm a little bit scared. A little bit scared of a lot of different things.

Tomorrow is the day of reckoning.

Okay, maybe it's just my freshman move in day, but it's a serious day for me.

My fears include failing out, not fitting in, becoming overwhelmingly homesick, and a general fear of getting hurt in the city.

I have another fear that I won't mention specifically.

It's scary thinking you could take another person's life, isn't it?

We have the resources, but do we actually have the capability?

Some people have that instinct. Some people have something about them that allows them to take a person's life.

I don't think I would know if I could or not until the situation to do so presented itself. I think in some instances I could. For family or a person I love, I'd do anything. In self defense, I'd do anything.

If a person came  at me with the intentions of harming me or taking my life all reason flies out the window. Staying alive comes first.

It's crazy thinking about stuff like that.

My mind is all over the place right now.

Another fear some people have is of loving. There are some people afraid of falling in love. For me it isn't a fear of falling in love, it's a fear of falling out.

Having fears doesn't make you weak, though.

You're far stronger if you acknowledge your fears than if you deny them. 

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Marianne Williamson

She's right you know. It's not inadequacy I fear, instead I fear the power I have to not feel inadequate. A fear of not using the power bestowed upon me.

NP: Over My Dead Body- Drake