catch up

It's been a while and I'm sorry for that. I haven't been feeling great and I'm been slacking. My sincerest apologies to everyone.

I guess I'll start with the fact that last night was the worst yet. I had a very lonely day yesterday. I've been going against what I preach.

I want things to be like they were a month ago. 

I miss home, or rather, what I imagine is still my home.

I don't think Oakdale would feel much like home right now though. My friends are scattered. My best friend is in Cincinnati. My baby is in Akron. My other best friends are spread out at Pitt, Virginia, and Akron. My family is still there and they always will be. Home will always be home in that sense.

I miss Ty more than he knows. I miss texting him all day like we used to. I miss him complaining to me like he used to. I guess I sort of took that all for granted.

I miss Ashley. She knows how much though. We talk all day, everyday. Talk about distance making the heart grow fonder. This New York state of mind is racing, thinking about possibilities.

What if I went somewhere else? What if they were closer?

What ifs crush the spirit though.

I called my mom last night and told her exactly how I'm feeling. I told her I don't feel at home yet. That I long for how things used to be. That I'm crazy about this girl in Akron. That I feel so far away from everything.

She told me it's going to take time and that I need to wait and see. She asked me if I was saying I wanted to leave. I told her no. I don't want to let everyone down. It's not just her and Pap I don't want to let down. It's the classmates who congratulated me on getting in to my dream school, it's my friends' parents, and more than anything it's myself.

I don't want to be just another kid who couldn't hack it. That isn't me. I was made for city living and its where I need to be. Like I said when I got here, "I might not want to be here, but I need to be here."

This is an opportunity. I worked my ass off in high school to position myself for the rest of my life. I've arrived, but just when you think you've arrived you need to start again. You need to find that drive and know that making it to school in NYC isn't going to be enough. The internships are there for the taking, the contacts that will help me later on in life are within reach, the opportunities are endless.

I want to be big time, but before I'm big time I have to be the small fish again. I have to scratch and claw my way to the top. I have to get uncomfortable and meet people. I'm blessed to have already found Peter and Steve. They're good guys.

They won't be enough though. I need to find more people. I need a cache of friends.

Last night I was scared, but today I'm motivated. I'm motivated to make something of myself starting today. Wanting isn't enough. Doing is.

Time to do.

8 days.

Tonight, I'm with family. I'm in Forty Fort.

NP: Mansard Roof- Vampire Weekend