Sorry I didn't post last night guys. I wasn't sure what I had to say. I have some stuff for you now though. Last night I had a good talk with Graz about love, life, and friendship. We came to the conclusion that each and every person approaches love and relationships differently.
Ty's one who doesn't want to get hurt, but I'm the opposite. I'm ready to be hurt. I'll never feel pain like I've felt already.
Not in the sense of a breakup after four years, or the rocky months before it ended. I'm referring to the sense of seeing my own father lose himself. I'm talking about the feeling that your Dad's priority is drinking over family. Maybe that's why I don't worry about being someone's priority. Sure, I probably deserve to be it, but I've seen my Dad put substance over family so if someone doesn't put me first and I put them first I'm okay with it.
We also talked about friendship a lot. He said that he can't be friends with someone if he dislikes one thing about them. I'm the opposite. Sometimes I let too much go, but that's just the way I am. I'll make up excuses for people I love because I'm deathly afraid of losing them.
How you view love and relationships stems a lot from what you grew up with.
I grew up with a loving mother and father, but I wouldn't say that my parents are soul mates in any sense of the word.
Ty was worried that I'm not happy. But I couldn't agree less. I'm beyond happy. He said that I might be happy right now, but that he's afraid of how bad I'll be let down in the future. Me, I'm living in the present. I can't plan for future happiness or worry about protecting myself because that will prevent from happiness in the moment. I want happiness now. I want to live in the present and make the most out of what I have in front of me. Maybe later on I'll get hurt, but for now, I'm going to do what makes me happy.
I'm happy. It could always be better, but it could always be worse.
Ty told me how he felt about different things I've been told by different people. He basically said that actions prove why words won't mean anything. In a way that means that this blog doesn't mean anything. I know he didn't mean it to come across that way, but that's sort of the way I feel. I say all sorts of things on here, but what do I actually do?
I don't do much. I feel like I do as much as I can though. There will always be more I wish I could do, but some things I'd like to do can't be done. Things like skipping out on college and writing a book. Living comfortably off of earnings from that book. That won't happen.
I also wish that if I went to college I wouldn't be coming out with tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, but more than likely that will be the case. I'm jealous of Ty in that sense. Maybe it's wrong to be jealous of someone for something they've worked so hard for, but I wish I was as talented as him at soccer. I wish I could've helped my mom pay for school. I feel so helpless in this whole college payment thing. I guess in a way I'm still bitter about my quad tearing and never fulfilling what I think I could've in football.
Like I said, I'm a jealous son of a bitch. I think every person is jealous of something though. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors goods just doesn't fly with me. I always want more. Want what I can't have.
I also told Ty how in most of my blogs I incorporate little things to grab the attention of different readers. I bold certain things to have them stick out and let people know what I'm really feeling. He told me he already knew that. (Comes with the territory of being best friends I guess. He can read me like an open book, or in this case a subtle hint in a blog.)
NP: Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi
No comments:
Post a Comment