Hopeless

When you can't find the words to say, you can't think of what to do next, and you see something you love coming to an end; how do you feel? Today I felt hopeless.

I watched as the outs dwindled down and something that was a part of me for thirteen years died. My high school baseball career is over. Whether or not it's the last game I ever play remains to be seen. But today was the last day I will have ever played a sport for West Allegheny. It was the last time I'll put on a uniform and represented my school.

No amount of empathy will make this season ending feel okay and no amount of good jobs or you did wells will ever cut it.

We underachieved.

But what Coach Cornell and Coach D said in the locker room did make me feel a little bit better. Us seniors help rebuild and turn around the program. For the past two years the team had been on a decline, but this year we brought it back. We didn't make playoffs, we underachieved, but we taught the younger kids that coming close wasn't enough. I hope in the years to come I can check the scores online and see those guys doing well. That'll make this all hurt a little less.

Baseball was fun again this year. I loved going to practice everyday or to a game and just flat out competing. That's what I'll miss most about high school sports. The competition and the camaraderie.

Playing high school sports with some of my best friends will be something I can look back on and smile about for years to come.

I pity those kids who didn't feel a little bit hurt today. I know of at least one who would've rather been anywhere than out there with us today. Shame on him. He didn't care about this and while there are things that mean more, he didn't have the balls to admit he didn't care. He didn't have the decency to put it all on the line and put his whole being into this team.

I put myself into it all. After all, I tend to put myself all in to a lot of things. Maybe into things I shouldn't. But that's just the way I work. I care. I care too much at times. That's fine with me though. If crying after today's game makes me weak, then I don't want to be tough.

Today ends a chapter of my life.

Other chapters have yet to be started. And even others that have started will be put on hold. For how long? Who knows...maybe forever. But maybe not. Maybe I'll get a call one day.

Loving this song right now... 


"When I wake up, I'm willing to take my chances on the hope I forget
that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you.
You need him. I could be him...
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him. Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know:

 you were the last good thing about this part of town."