landslide: then and now

Every time Landslide by Fleetwood Mac comes on on my phone I go back to a much different time in my life. Now just because I say a much different time I don't mean that it was all that long ago, it wasn't. It was less than seven months ago.

It was the last day I ever played a soccer game that meant anything. 


It was the last time I played my favorite game with my favorite friends.

I remember the game. Not the whole thing but bits and pieces. I remember both goals we conceded. I remember Ty's goal that had tied the game at 1. I remember the ref telling me that it didn't matter if Brandon got the ball first, that since he got the man it was a foul. I remember getting in that old man's face and screaming. That was the angriest I've ever been. For a second I actually thought I might do something I'd regret. I gained my composure and I remember the corner kick that resulted from the foul being called. I had the near post and Joe was in front of, supposed to clear any low crosses out. The ball came at him, and he only cleared it back for another corner. They scored right after that. I remember Jish's shot ringing off the crossbar, going in, and coming back out. I remember dominating the other team for the majority of the game, but as time wore out on the clock I remember more and more the feeling of helplessness.

Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.

After the game I remember biting my lip so I didn't cry. I remember getting into the huddle with everyone and losing it. I remember bawling my eyes out.

I remember hugging my mom and my dad. I remember hugging all my teammates. I remember being told I had done all I could.

No amount of consolation can reassure someone once utter helplessness has set in. 

Aside from that being our last game as a team I remember that time as a time where I wasn't particularly happy.

I remember I was still in a relationship.

I remember Grammy was still alive.

I remember football was still going on.

I hadn't decided where I was going to college.

Looking back, it was a time much different than now.


At this moment in time, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac represents a memory. Before that soccer game it didn't really mean anything. Now, it's a memory; a memory of my teammates, of my favorite sport, and of feeling hopeless. Oftentimes I skip this song when it comes on on shuffle because it scares me. Today something told me to listen to it. 


As I listened I came to realize how accurate the lyrics are. 

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too

I am getting older. Bolder remains to be seen. I'm not afraid of changing. And I haven't built my life around you. 

I've built my life around me. 

NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac