graduating

It is now midnight which means today is my last day as a high school senior. A few minutes ago was my last night as a senior and this whole year is now coming to a close. In nineteen hours our graduation procession will begin and a new chapter of my life will start. I guess I should reflect on this chapter for a little bit.

I'm not sure whether to start with ninth grade or start at the very beginning with first grade. I took a pretty long nap today so I'll settle for the latter. I plan on going through every grade listing what I remember and anything notable from that time.

1st Grade- McKee Elementary- Mrs. Shaltenbrand

• Nothing that memorable happened in 1st grade. I remember breaking my leg from riding my bike. Other than that I remember having a huge crush on my teacher and I remember my best friend being Shad Zysk. 

2nd Grade- McKee Elementary- Mrs. Groznik

• 2nd grade is pretty much a blur as well. I remember Mrs. Groznik had a rocking chair she loved to sit on and I remember Jason Kumpfmiller was my best friend. I remember the September 11th attacks and getting out of school and I remember Nan dying. 

3rd Grade- McKee Elementary- Mr. DeMario

• 3rd grade brings back more memories with Mr. D. I remember his check book system of rewarding us in class and I remember Matt McBurney winning the trip to Mr. D's house to go fishing. I remember Bret Grady and I and someone else wrote a mystery novel for the entire year. To this day I wish we would have finished it and printed it out.

4th Grade- Donaldson Elementary- Mrs. Vestal

• I remember being best friends with T-Will in 4th grade. We used to shoot my bb gun at birds and one day I killed a falcon. I remember Mrs. Vestal telling us her husband was a high school football coach at what seemed like some foreign planet...Hopewell. Never thought I'd end up playing against Mrs. Vestal's husband some number of years later. I remember moving into my new house in 4th grade too. Final memory was that I was quite the actor in 4th grade, starring in the Valentines Day, Halloween, and Hawaiian plays. 

5th Grade- Donaldson Elementary- Mrs. Mangan

• I remember Mrs. Mangan loved me and OD. I remember OD was one of my best friends and I was also great friends with Josh Coury. The three of us were kind of inseparable. I remember Josh loved Wake Forest basketball and with Chris Paul. I remember everyone was obsessed with Mr. Bianco's class, but I was perfectly content and happy with Mrs. Mangan. I remember I wasn't in band or chorus so I got to sit in Mrs. Mangan's room and play Kid Pix when the other kids went to band and chorus. 

6th Grade- WAMS- Shark

• 6th grade is a year I was very fond of. I became great friends with Jared and Josh was still a close pal, as was OD. I remember having Mr. Burke, Ms. Hutchko, Mr. Hanczar, Mrs. K Martin, and Mrs. Damratoski. I remember Mrs. D was my favorite and I remember Mr. Hanczar was notorious for giving out checks in our agenda. I remember coming into Mr. Burke's 1st period class and meeting Senora Catalano for the first time and being scared to death of her. I remember all the different classes like IA, Art, FCS, and gym. I remember I loved FCS and I remember everyone thinking Mrs. Trucco was nuts. 

7th Grade- WAMS- 7 Wonder

• I remember Mrs. Niccolai, Mr. Henry, Ms. Treonze, Mrs. Sabin, and Ms. Miller. I remember Mrs. Niccolai adored OD and loved me. I remember my three best friends and becoming better friends with Chris. The funny thing is, I remember that I met Chris and my mom knew Ms. Viv only as the "sewing lady." I remember getting Chris's house phone number from a card my mom had of Ms. Viv's, her business card if I remember correctly. I remember starting middle school soccer. I remember Mr. Henry having a vendetta against me, or at least me thinking he did. I remember vacationing in the Bahamas with the O'Donnells. 

8th Grade- WAMS- Gray

• I remember Mr. Bears, Ms. Schumacher, Mr. McCracken, and Ms. Treonze. I remember Mr. Bears attempting to kick me out of K ball for the entire year because I refused to be on Alex Story's team. I remember George Brown and I thought that a poster in Mr. Bears' room had Adam Sandler as a Civil War soldier. I remember Ms. Schumacher's class vividly. I remember her inviting us all to her wedding. I remember sitting in Mr. McCracken's class with Jaclyn and counting the number of stories he told, of course the caribou story was the most notorious of these. I remember Ms. Treonze's class and the tiny amount of learning we did. I remember pi day. I remember middle school soccer and 8th grade baseball with Kropf and Gardner. I remember my 4 best friends and I remember going on vacation to Mexico with Chris. I remember it was my first year with a girlfriend. I remember going to nearly all of Chris's inline hockey games. 

9th Grade- WAHS

• I honestly do not remember much from 9th grade. I remember tech skills with Mrs. Brahm and watching the strangest Youtube videos I could find. I remember playing 9th grade baseball and being pissed I didn't make JV or varsity. I remember JV soccer and my first experience at soccer camp at Bethany. I remember Danilo, Steve, and Tilley. I remember them all sneaking out and knocking down every single chair set up for a band concert. I remember OD starting to stray to the football crowd and JC, Josh, and Chris still being like family. I remember math class with Nick Kolarac, Nick Herman, Emeka, and Tommy Pantone. 

10th Grade- WAHS

• I remember playing varsity baseball as a sophomore and varsity soccer as well. I remember coming in 3rd in WPIAL in soccer and I remember winning our first game of states against Slippery Rock High School. I remember going out to Hoss's before that game. I remember Nick, Andy, Tony, Capo, Litt, and B-Mac. I remember Tony beating Justin Luff's ass. I remember our loss in overtime in states to Hampton. I remember winning WPIAL for football that year. I remember kicking field goals on Heinz Field in warm ups. I remember that I was going to get to kick in the state semifinal game until Fleck magically got better on game day. I remember Josh strayed away and Jared was still my best friend. 

11th Grade- WAHS

• I remember Moritz. I remember becoming better friends with Bordo, Ty, Dave, and Schweins. Jared was still my best friend. I remember Spanish class with Bordo and how much we messed with Senorita. I remember a day in Spanish where Bordo pinned Senorita against the wall with his desk. I also remember a day where I made shoes for myself out of paper and staples. I remember Spanish more than anything. I remember my first prom and how much I didn't like it. I remember learning about what happened the day after prom on Kennywood day. I remember an unforgettable sleepover at Ty's house with Moritz, Jared, and Dave. I remember "eat so much imma f*** around with barf." I remember physics class with Mr. C, Ash, and T-Will. I remember the last time I saw Moritz. I remember eating at the Bettis Grill and giving him a lot of stuff to take back to Germany to remember us by. I remember the bonfire at Dave's and Moritz in that damn chicken suit. 

12th Grade- WAHS

• I remember it all. And if I ever start to forget, I will look on this very blog and be reminded.

Looking back I realize that I remember the most random shit. That random shit is my life though. It is what shaped me into the person I am today.

Thank you everyone I remembered and everyone I forgot. Thank you to those who have come before me and to those who will come after me. Thank you to the best friends I've made and the family that has kept me sane from day one.

Thanks to the high school kids that I looked up to and to those that I wanted to be the exact opposite of. Thank you for showing me that I wanted to be me. Thank you for showing me that I wanted to be different.

It's now 1 o'clock. I graduate in eighteen hours. Damn.

NP: Good Morning- Kanye West

a job for you

I need some help from you all, my readers. If you could take some time and find your top 5 favorite blog posts that would be really helpful. I want to see what types of posts hit home the most with you all.

 I encourage you to go back and reread them and then make a list of your top 5 favorites. Just make a list 1-5 with the name of the blog post. Also feel free to leave your name with it if you'd like.

You can either comment them here, tweet them at me, or text me them. My twitter is @original_bigTom and my cell phone number is, well I'm not giving that out on here. Feel free to ask around for it.

Thanks again guys, I'm looking forward to the responses.

thoughts on the final day

Today has been a weird day already and it's only 9:30. I'm in such a mix of emotions I can't even decide how to feel.

The more some people talk, the more I want to get away. But when some people speak up it makes me want to stay.

I honestly don't know whether I'm more excited to be leaving or more upset. To be honest I don't think it's hit me yet that I'll be living in New York City next year. That's going to be a life changing experience.

Right now when I look around I notice people I'll miss. Comparatively however, I see more people I will not miss at all. I see cheaters, liars, hypocrites, narcissists, and even a few masochists. Then again, upon self evaluation, I'm all of those things as well. I guess human nature tells us to point out flaws in other people that we hate in ourselves. Even if in some sense of the words I am a masochist, a liar, a cheater, a narcissist, and a hypocrite I truly believe I am a good person.

This senior class has a lot of people that could not be described as "good people."

Today made me realize the people I will miss that I didn't think I'd miss and the people I won't miss that I thought I'd miss. I realized I'll miss Straka, I'll miss Z Graz, I'll miss Coach K, and I'll miss Wolfey.

(I'll refrain from mentioning the people I won't miss.)

After school I had an epiphany. It wasn't a good epiphany either. I finally realized that I have a lot of pent up anger. I have loads of animosity towards people I feel have wronged me. I drive myself insane at times wondering why things have played out the way they have. I need to find some sort of outlet for this anger because simply lifting isn't cutting it anymore. Maybe the escape is running. After I run I feel a lot better, both physically and mentally.

Final thing for today was that people were passing out senior pictures and I received a couple. No more than four or five, but they brought back memories. It reminded me how different things were just two months ago. It reminded me how quickly you can fall into something and  how quickly it can be gone again. Those little notes on the back are tear jerkers for me. Such a short message to try and describe an entire range of emotions someone has for you. But ending it with three short words like I love you always leaves a person feeling reassured.

I love you too. Yes, I love all of you. I love you too, She Will Be Loved.

NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

the speech nobody will hear

Here's the graduation speech I would've given had I won the speech-off. I'm not mad that I lost though, I know Josi is going to do an amazing job.

Graduation Speech

I’d like to start by congratulating all my peers sitting in front of me. We made it. It wasn’t easy, and nobody told us it would be easy. We survived though. Let me rephrase that last part actually. We didn’t merely survive high school, we thrived. At times it wasn’t pretty, but we persevered. Along the way we made new friends and saw old friends move away. Some friendships died and some flourished. We experienced things we never imagined we would, and we grew into young men and women. We had ups and downs. We made mistakes and we addressed them at one point or another. And now, in the crowning moment of high school, we’re going to graduate together. We’re coming together one last time before we can go our separate ways.  

Now I’m up here to speak for our class as a whole. I’ll do it the only way I know how; I’ll speak truth.

When I reflect on our senior year, the common thread I’m seeing is endings. I was a part of three varsity sports that came to premature ends. I watched a year’s worth of preparation and dedication to a senior project end after a ten minute presentation. I saw girls and boys alike say good bye to senior prom, the thing that is supposed to be the pinnacle of our time in high school, after only six hours of dancing. And now, looking at all of you, I’m forced to realize that this, too, is coming to an end. When I say this, I encompass the entire high school life we have all become so accustomed to.  It’s the bells, the teachers, the friends, the trips to Mr. Shattuck’s office, and the four minutes between classes. I look around and, sadly, I won’t see most of you again. At least not for years. But it isn’t about becoming distant in the future, it’s about the time we’ve shared in this very building. You see, whether you like it or not, this building we have all dreaded coming to at 7:35 in the morning became our home; it’s our commonplace. It’s where kids from all walks of life have come for the past four years to share in an experience unlike any other.

Some of you can’t wait for it to end. You wanted to graduate six months ago and venture out into the real world. You’re about to get there, but let’s keep this in mind. I’m afraid the real world isn’t like life is here guys. A pass from Coach Palko won’t get us out of being late to work. We can’t forge our boss’s signature on checks like we all forge our parents’ names on permission slips. Life, in some way or another, is going to be different.

But different, different isn’t bad. I promise you that.

The real world sounds pretty awesome; I can’t wait to be there, but I’d be lying to myself and all of you if I didn’t recognize these four years in high school as some of the best I’ve ever had. Any underclassmen in here, please listen to me when I tell you to cherish this time you have here. It’s cliché and you’ll hear it another hundred times… but listen to it. There’s nothing like this. It’s something special, something beautiful, and something you won’t ever forget. It’s something you can’t forget.

Before we go any further, I wish to take this time to thank our parents and family alike. For the longest time I was wrong in thinking that we don’t owe anybody anything in this life. We owe our parents. They brought us into this world, and no matter what has transpired between them and us, they gave us life. Join me and give thanks to whomever it was who raised you. They’ve done something right if you’re sitting here today. That much is evident. (Begin applause)

Our family, teachers, and coaches were always busy asking us what we wanted to be. We started out as prospective astronauts, ballerinas, musicians, and professional sports players, and over time our answers have matured into careers like teachers, accountants, physical trainers, and programmers. But all this time, we’ve slowly come to realize what we already were. We were athletes, we were skaters, we were musicians, and we were gamers. But no matter what our individual designations might have been…  We are, and we always will be, Indians class of 2012.

It’s surreal; this all coming to an end. Ever since first grade I knew myself as tforse12 when I logged in on the school computers. I didn’t think the 12 would ever get here. And now that it’s here, I wish it wasn’t. I’d love to have another year with all of you. Another 180 days to become closer with those around me. But wishes are exactly that, they’re wishes. We can’t go back in time and time won’t stand still. We have to grow up, and maybe it won’t be today or tomorrow, but we have to move on from this chapter of our life. We’ve turned all the pages and we’ve read all the lines. We skimmed some of the chapters and we spent more time than we needed on others, but one way or another we finished this book. Whether your next book is the army, work, or college, don’t forget this book. Don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned and the connections you’ve made.  

Remember this book, this school, this gym, these friends, these teachers. Remember the good times and the bad. Remember this moment. Go ahead, take a second and look all around you. Cement this image in your mind and always remember it. And if you have any room left in your heart and your mind, remember me. Thank you guys for listening to me today, and thank you for all the memories, I’m leaving this school with a full mind and full heart and I promise that I’ll always remember you, my classmates, the class of 2012.

Naked Man In Miami Chewing On Another Man's Face | The Morning Freak Show - 96.1 Kiss

Naked Man In Miami Chewing On Another Man's Face | The Morning Freak Show - 96.1 Kiss

Keep doing LSD you dope fiends, you'll end up chewing another person's face off. Then you'll die.

Nobody likes a cannibal, and nobody likes a naked drug addict either. Nobody likes a clothed drug addict for that matter.

This article is the kind of stuff that makes me want to try LSD...

Superhuman strength? Cannibalistic behavior? Naked? Eating a person's face?

Why the hell not!?!?


If that doesn't make you reconsider popping some random pill I don't know what will. Then again you idiots think it's all harmless fun. Keep it up and I'll keep checking the 11 o'clock news. 

Realizations not Revelations

Today was a good day, for the most part, but not a day where I truly accomplished much.

I woke up around 9 and went on a run on the cross country trail before running routes with some of the football guys. From there I came home to eat breakfast with my mom. After breakfast I had to cut the grass for the first time in my life. Let me tell you, I am a grass cutting novice. I hated it. After cutting the grass I hung around my pool with some friends, Jen, and mom. After that I went to Gannon's house for a cookout.

I guess that I did get a lot done today. I ran, I worked, I hung out with friends, and I came to a lot of conclusions.

Now these conclusions don't directly deal with any of the aforementioned activities, they're just things I've been mulling over in my head for a while. Call some of them cliche if you'd like, I really don't care.

List of Realizations

I've come to realize that most people's actions do not make sense.

I've come to realize that you can do everything right and have everything turn out wrong.

I've come to realize that sometimes the people you never thought would hurt you are the ones who do the most.

I've come to realize that genuinely good people are hard to come by.

I've come to realize that first and foremost, people are selfish.

I've come to realize that you don't need someone to tell you you're the better person, you just have to know it yourself.

I've come to realize that in some people's eyes, two wrongs do make a right.

I've come to realize that some things are not worth your time.

I've come to realize that a little bit of hope can go a long way.

I've come to realize that when all hope is gone, new hope seems to find its way into your life.

I've come to realize that I'd much rather have a strong character than outer beauty.

I've come to realize that your best friends are the ones who give you the finger instead of telling you something was rude.

I've come to realize I have some of the best friends in the world.

I've come to realize that we love to have people rooting for us, but the only fans we need are ourselves.

I've come to realize that if you don't respect yourself, you won't respect others, and others won't respect you.

I've come to realize that respect is hard to gain and easy to lose.

I've come to realize that it isn't always, "May the best man win."

I've come to realize that the best man losing will always be better than the lesser man winning.

I've come to realize that it isn't about winning and losing, it's about loving what you fight for.

It's about loving even when you lose.
It's about keeping your friends close even when they seem like your worst enemies.

It. Is. Life. 


NP: Let Me Sign- Robert Pattinson

Memorial Day

Ah Memorial Day, a great day to give thanks and to remember those who fought for our country. It's always been such a trivial holiday to me. I've never really thought much about it, but today I'm trying to delve into the deeper meaning of a day like Memorial Day.

If it wasn't for our troops I might not be able to do what I'm doing right now. I might not have access to the internet or to social media sites. If our government wasn't established and protected that way it has been, everyday life would be much different than the life I've come to love. I still have to register for selective service, which means I am able to get drafted if the U.S. ever uses the draft again. Luckily, unless we go into World War 3, I don't think that will be necessary. I am unbelievably thankful that we have enough willing soldiers to fight for our country.

For the longest time I though about going into the military after high school. I thought it was something I had to do before I could develop an opinion of a war or of a presidential candidate. I thought it was my duty to serve and protect the people in our country who can't protect themselves. Up until recently I still thought this, but recently I realized I can't. Not that I'm not physically capable, but I couldn't handle the demanding orders of others. I like to do things my way. I also realized that I'm too much of a thinker to be a soldier.

Over thinking in a combat zone would surely lead to my demise.

Besides being an over thinker, I feel like I have a different skill set that wouldn't benefit me in a war. There are kids who don't get good grades, who can't go to college, and who's only option is to serve our country. I have other options though. I got into a top notch school and can go get an education for the next four years of my life.

I don't want to come across as arrogant in that last statement. In my eyes there is nothing more noble than fighting for our country, so if that is what someone decides to do, I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. I, myself, don't belong in the armed forces.

I like the idea of fighting in the military much more than I'd actually like it. I like what Father Scott said on Friday. He said the military strips you of your ego and teaches you how to work as a team and as a unit. The military teaches you to depend on the guy next to you, because at the end of the day he has your life in his hands and you have his.

Fighting alongside a friend knowing that his life rests on the decisions you make is both thrilling and chilling. 

I'd love to experience that sensation, but I don't think I ever will.

As if the fighting isn't enough to be scared of, psychological disorders like PTSD scare the hell out of me. How can a soldier come back from Iraq where he has to watch out for roadside bombs and IEDs and settle back into a life in suburban America? That'd be one hell of a struggle.

I respect any soldier; man or woman who defends our country.

That's all I have for Memorial Day. Take some time and thank any veterans you know. I'll be sure to thank my Dad. Even though he never saw action, he was an Army Ranger stationed in Germany and if any conflicts broke out across the world he would've been on the front lines. Come to think of it, if any conflicts broke out, my Dad might not have made it home to meet my mom. That my friends, is a scary, scary thought. 


I'm grateful.

NP: Sing- My Chemical Romance

a lot going on

These past few days have been hectic and I've been having a tough time getting around to blogging. Sorry about that guys.

Anyway, I've been up to a lot of swimming and a lot of hanging around good people.

Although I'm surrounded by great people it seems plenty of other people aren't quite as great as previously thought. A lot of people have been finding out a lot of things they didn't want to hear. As far a I'm concerned anything that's been said that has to do with me isn't a bother. I'm not worried about what happened in the past at all.

Somethings that have been said are making me lose some faith in people as a whole. I just don't understand people's motives and I'm fairly certain I never will.

People love regressing back to things they shouldn't.

I'm also seeing that most guys don't care about the girls they say they do.

Graz and I also realized that as cliche and stereotypical as it might be, a good amount of girls enjoy being around and talking to shitty guys.

It's a very common thread I've seen in high school.

Whatcha gonna do though???

Eventually, someday, the truly good guys will prevail.

It's like a superhero story to me. (The good guy prevailing, that is.)

It's such a foreign idea, but I'm sure it can happen. Actually I know it can happen. There's bound to be a lot of good people at college.

My thought is that Superman had a tough time finding Lois Lane and Peter Parker didn't get Mary Jane the first try. The good guys get the girl eventually. Believe that.

Looking back on this post it's pretty down in the dumps and negative. I'd like to clarify that I'm not down at all, I've actually been feeling pretty carefree and positive. I'm loving most things in my life. Can't complain. Looking forward to surrounding myself with friends all summer long.

NP: Fast Car- Tracy Chapman

slacker's lifestyle

Sorry I've really been slacking the past couple nights my friends. I have things to say, I'm just not finding the time to say them.

Well yesterday was pretty much the easiest day of school I've ever had. I spent the majority of the day wandering the halls with a pass from Mrs. Bookmiller. I never planned on going to the library, I just planned on using her pass as an excuse if I was confronted by the hall monitor (which would never happen because Coach Lev doesn't care.)

Aside from roaming the halls and spending some time in the library we had a guest speaker. His name was Father Scott Seethaler. Father Scott is a friar and he has worked extensively at the high school and college level as well as doing great charity work in Oaxaca, Mexico. Father Scott came in to talk to us about the transition into the next stage of our lives.

One thing he said really stuck out to me. He used a quote by Chili Davis that I felt epitomized so many people. He said, "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."

I feel this can be taken in two separate senses. I think that there are two types of "growing up" we do.

The first type is growing up in a sense of maturity. I look around the halls and see many seniors that act like 12 year olds. I, myself, enjoy being immature from time to time. Immaturity, in the right places, can be humorous and harmless. Like every situation in life there are times to be mature and other times it is okay to regress a little.

The second type of growing up is the idea of coming to accept what we have to do. Accepting that we have to move on from one stage of our life to the next. Accepting responsibilities and freedoms associated with living on our own. I believe there comes a time in a person's life where they have to begin to fully understand what is expected of them. If a person misses this epiphany type moment, they will have a hard time ever getting it back.

I think Father Scott was referring to a mixture of the two senses of growing up. A large part of accepting our place in this world has to do with maturity. A lot of kids make bad decisions, but it isn't solely because they're immature. Immaturity is necessary in every person's life. If you don't agree with that, then you haven't been immature lately.

"Growing old is mandatory."  That's scary. I'm not afraid of getting old, by any means, but I'm afraid of dying. Dying is the only thing you have to do in this world. (Everyone else lies, you don't have to pay your taxes.)

Death is the inevitable, ugly brother that life brings along.

But as Father Scott said, if you live a prosperous life you won't fear becoming old because you'll have lived every day to it's fullest. I pray that I am the type of old man who doesn't fear death.

I love the line from The Tales of Beedle and Bard in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The line reads...


"And then he [the third brother] greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed this life."


That's the way I want to go out, as an equal of death. As someone who lived their life as best they could. 


Here's a link to Father Scott's website. Check it out if you'd like. The clinic he opened in Mexico is amazing considering how poor an area it is. http://fatherscott.com/

NP: Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepsen

2

Today and next Tuesday are the last two days of class. Wednesday is our senior class picnic and Thursday and Friday are both graduation practice days. We graduate Friday night...

Unbelievable.

It isn't even graduation that makes me think about moving on. It's the little, everyday activities at school that I won't have anymore. Things like gym class, going to class as late as I want, and little conversations in the halls will be the things that I miss most.

My daily routine is so cemented and in 180 hours it'll all be over.

Call it the end or call it the beginning, anyway you look at it it's time to move on.

College will be another four years of making memories and creating a daily routine, I'm looking forward to it.

Ty and I talked the other day at the Pirate game about how few people we will truly miss. His list was seven people long and mine was eight. In reality there are two I forgot on that list, but other than those ten people I won't miss anyone.

Some people I'll miss in smaller roles, but for the most part I'll miss those ten people more than anyone.

I'll keep the ten as close to me as I can, and at college I'll look for new people to miss. Life is built on friendships. Friendships of all sizes and lengths.

Two real days left. Seven until I graduate. Damn that's going to be weird.

NP: I Wonder- Kanye West

life from the perspective of a fan

Today we went to PNC Park for the buccos game and I thought of something. I thought of how as a baseball fan gets older, the realities of the world can be seen in whether or not he has his glove.

Every little kid who goes to a baseball game takes his or her glove with them. At such a young age it isn't crossing their mind that chances are slim they get a ball. They have such hope. Hope truly is a beautiful thing. Little kids could care less whether or not their team wins, their eyes are set on getting a ball. Such a trivial thing in the eyes of elders, but at 6 or 7 years old getting a hold of a baseball is all that matters.

Around 12 or 13 bringing your glove becomes "uncool" and the glove stays at home. You see at 12 or 13 you just want to be cool. You don't care about getting a baseball, you want your friends to think you look good and you want to impress people. Your ideals have shifted from a little white ball to the attention of your peers.

Somewhere in the late teens the glove is still at home. Now you're to the point where not only is it not cool to bring your glove, but you've accepted the fact that a ball most likely won't be coming to you. (You tell yourself that even if it does come you're skilled enough to bare hand it. That'll show everyone how cool you are.) At 18 most boys are more worried about bringing a girl to a game than their glove. Hope of catching a ball has been replaced with hopes of other sorts. Hope of love, hope of something, maybe just a kiss.

The next stage doesn't come for some time after. A time where you're taking your kids to their first ballgame and you make sure they have their gloves. You can see the hope glinting in their eyes of getting a ball. You'll do anything you can to get them one. You've completely given up on your dreams of getting a ball and replaced them with your son or daughter's dreams. Putting someone else's dreams in front of yours, with the right intentions, is the most selfless thing a person can do.

The beautiful thing about life is the innocence that returns in late adulthood. There is something peaceful about an old man at a baseball game. There is something inspiring about seeing a baseball glove on the hand of an old man at the game. It shows that after all those years where other wants and needs took over, deep down, there is still a yearning to catch a ball. It's something innate in some fans.

It's hope in the greatest sense. 


It's innocence at it's finest. 


It's America's pastime helping show the growth of us as individuals. 


It's wants and needs changing over time. 


It's never letting go of your childhood dreams. 

NP: Stolen- Dashboard Confessional

they grow up too fast

I've been forced to watch my sister grow up this year. I'm proud of her for what she's accomplished, but at the same time it breaks my heart watching her have to make her own decisions.

Today for example I watched her do something I've never done in my eighteen years of life. She walked by herself into her cheer gym and quit. Now quit isn't the right word for what she did because quitting involves giving up on something. She in no way gave up on her team. In a way the team never fully invested themselves to be given up on.

Jenny, like most everyone else in this world, detests losing, and to say her team doesn't win much would be an understatement. They haven't been getting better and Jenny felt like she could do better for herself. Can you blame her for wanting to put herself in the best situation to win? I sure as hell can't. No fifteen year old girl wants to walk out on her teammates and more importantly the girls who have become her friends, but at fifteen Jenny has already learned about sacrifices.

I watched my little sister stride into that gym full of confidence. As she was in talking to her teammates and coaches I reclined in the car and read my book. I saw her coming back to the car some twenty minutes later. She was a mess. Tears had streamed down her face and if it wasn't for me being the one doing the driving I think she had a lot more crying left to do.

 It broke her heart having to leave those girls. She loved that team, it was her first and only team until this point, but it was something she felt she had to do.

I didn't ask any questions. I knew she wanted to sit there in silence and do some thinking.

When we picked mom up from getting her nails done mom asked her if she was regretting what she did. I looked back into Jenny's tear filled eyes and she shook her head no. Her eyes and body language said she did, but her response was firm. She didn't regret it.

At fifteen years old my sister is learning not to regret the decisions she's made.

I'm torn watching Jenny grow up. Part of me is excited for her and part of me is fearful. She has so much left to experience.

She still has to experience things like victory, defeat, true love, even truer heartbreak, she has to feel needed, and she has to need somebody. I can't speak on all those topics because I'm not sure I've felt them all.Not to their fullest extent at least.

I don't pray much and I rarely ever wish, but if there was anything I would ever pray and wish for it's that my little sister never feels inadequate. 


Inadequate is a disgusting word. It's a word all of us know and it's a word all of us fear.


I've felt inadequate before.

And I'm at the point where I know I'm more than enough, but I still search for that feeling that I am enough.

It's a time in my life where feeling something outweighs knowing something.

I hope Jenny never settles for less than she deserves. No girl should ever tell a guy, "You're too good to me." If a girl says that to a guy, you know she hasn't been treated the way she deserved to be treated in the past.

Any guys reading this who plan on courting my sister, treat her well. All girls deserve that, especially my sister.

NP: The Only Exception- Paramore

landslide: then and now

Every time Landslide by Fleetwood Mac comes on on my phone I go back to a much different time in my life. Now just because I say a much different time I don't mean that it was all that long ago, it wasn't. It was less than seven months ago.

It was the last day I ever played a soccer game that meant anything. 


It was the last time I played my favorite game with my favorite friends.

I remember the game. Not the whole thing but bits and pieces. I remember both goals we conceded. I remember Ty's goal that had tied the game at 1. I remember the ref telling me that it didn't matter if Brandon got the ball first, that since he got the man it was a foul. I remember getting in that old man's face and screaming. That was the angriest I've ever been. For a second I actually thought I might do something I'd regret. I gained my composure and I remember the corner kick that resulted from the foul being called. I had the near post and Joe was in front of, supposed to clear any low crosses out. The ball came at him, and he only cleared it back for another corner. They scored right after that. I remember Jish's shot ringing off the crossbar, going in, and coming back out. I remember dominating the other team for the majority of the game, but as time wore out on the clock I remember more and more the feeling of helplessness.

Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.

After the game I remember biting my lip so I didn't cry. I remember getting into the huddle with everyone and losing it. I remember bawling my eyes out.

I remember hugging my mom and my dad. I remember hugging all my teammates. I remember being told I had done all I could.

No amount of consolation can reassure someone once utter helplessness has set in. 

Aside from that being our last game as a team I remember that time as a time where I wasn't particularly happy.

I remember I was still in a relationship.

I remember Grammy was still alive.

I remember football was still going on.

I hadn't decided where I was going to college.

Looking back, it was a time much different than now.


At this moment in time, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac represents a memory. Before that soccer game it didn't really mean anything. Now, it's a memory; a memory of my teammates, of my favorite sport, and of feeling hopeless. Oftentimes I skip this song when it comes on on shuffle because it scares me. Today something told me to listen to it. 


As I listened I came to realize how accurate the lyrics are. 

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too

I am getting older. Bolder remains to be seen. I'm not afraid of changing. And I haven't built my life around you. 

I've built my life around me. 

NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac

dumb and dumber: a high school relationship tragedy

Once upon a time there were high school "sweethearts" named dumb and dumber. For the sake of feminism and the great leaps it has made dumber will be the boy and dumb will be the girl.

This tragedy starts out like many others, the boy and the girl fall for each other. From there they embark on a journey for love that leads to them being in a relationship. If you checked both lover's twitters you would see it riddled with tweets about love and cliche song lyrics about love. (Obviously true love.)

After a couple days, weeks, and maybe even a month, things get sour. The two begin fighting and dumber cheats on dumb. Dumb, being the independent woman she is, leaves dumber.

From there the two say horrible things about the other and tell their respective groups of friends that they'll never go back. The two go on to talk to different boys and girls, but they still indirectly tweet things to get on the other's nerves. Their arguments are visible over twitter to anyone with half a brain and any knowledge of the previous relationship.

Weeks pass by and eventually you hear of dumb going back to dumber. The two are "talking" and their tweets make everything seem like love is in the air.

Suddenly, the twitter world is shocked to see that things haven't worked out yet again! Who would've thought after the first relationship was such a success?

Anyway, indirect tweets are thrown around once again and the two go their separate ways. Dumb and dumber finally seem to finally be over.

Unfortunately, their heaven sent relationship has to be rekindled over and over again. Each time ending in tumultuous breakdowns where the two swear they are done for good.

After the dust and clouds of their many break ups settle those who watched the whole thing play out can no longer discern who was dumb, and who was dumber. 


The End.

speech-less

No it's not that I'm at a loss for words. I just forgot to tell you guys that I didn't win the graduation speech. Obviously I'm a little bit bummed out, but as long as Josi or Krohm won I won't be too upset. Sure I would've loved to speak for our class as a whole, but you can't always get what you want. (Or at least that's what  Rolling Stones tell me.)

Looking back I'm not sure me speaking for our class as a whole would've been proper seeing as how I don't really care for our class as a whole. I'll miss most of our class, but that's only because each person plays some sort of role in my life.

First off I have my best friends who I keep around for the obvious reason that I love them.

Then there are the kids I don't really notice or who don't really affect me at all. I'll miss those kids because they've never bothered me, they just went about their business and it just so happened that our paths never crossed. You need kids like that because they keep everybody sane.

Then there are the kids I say I hate but in reality they just annoy the hell out of me and I don't hate them, just dislike them. These are the kind of kids you will miss only because you've become so accustomed to being annoyed by them that you'll have to find new people that annoy you. I can name several dozen of these kids off the top of my head. Luckily, contrary to popular belief among most of my classmates, college is full of just as many "fake" people as high school.

Kids are always saying, "I can't wait to get to college, kids here are too fake," or better yet, "I can't wait to get to college to meet new people, the people here are immature as hell."

I hate to break it to you guys, but where the hell do you think all the annoying, immature, "fake", kids from other schools go after high school? .......they go to college too.


College is going to be full of just as many "fake" people. Sure it isn't like high school where you're in the same building as them for six hours, but in reality you live on the same campus as them, 24 hours a day.

Hell, college is going to be great. But I refuse to look forward to college because there will be "more mature" people there, or because I'm tired of "these high school kids."

I look forward to it for other reasons. Like making something of myself. Like getting a degree that will get me a job. Like gaining enough knowledge and contacts to make a career out of writing. Sure I'm looking forward to meeting new people, who wouldn't be? I've come to accept the fact that college will be filled with self righteous, tool bag, materialistic people just like high school is.

The one thing a classmate of mine said in a tweet that I agree with wholeheartedly is this, "Everyone in high school is an emotional pussy." Not the most eloquent way of putting it, but it is by far the truest tweet I've ever read. 


If you don't believe that, just check most high school kid's tweets. I'm not marking myself as exempt because I'm sure that from time to time I'm an "emotional pussy." 


I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog was. Maybe to show people that everyone plays some part in our lives. Maybe it was to convince people that college if full of idiots too. Maybe it was just to vent. Maybe it's something much deeper and more philosophical...


You're right, it definitely isn't that. 


NP: Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World

good night and a fair fight

Tonight was a good night. I didn't spend it with my usual group of friends which is unusual, but not bad by any means. A little bonfire never hurt anybody, well actually I'm sure it has, but you know what I meant.

At this bonfire the idea of drinking came up. Maybe it was someone talking to me about Fordham or something else. (There was no alcohol at this bonfire, I can promise you that.)

Anyway the idea of drinking was out in my head and I realized I'm still very against it. Not in other people, in moderation, but with myself. I don't see myself drinking, possibly ever. That's part of my morals and at times I'm so steadfast in staying true to it that I wonder what I might be missing out on.

It's not that I'm worried about having fun because I find myself to be the epitome of sober fun. It's more the idea that I get mad when people close to me drink. I get mad when I have no reason to.

Well that isn't exactly true, I have my reasons. I've seen firsthand some of the dumbest things a person can do while under the influence. Not just with my dad, but with other people I used to be close to.

I get mad because I know that nearly everybody drinks and I'll never be a part of a game of pong or flip cup. I wouldn't know how to play those games if you asked me. And the thing is, I'm not mad because I want to drink or even play, I get mad because I feel left out and like people close to me become farther away when they drink. People do stupid stuff when they drink and I'm so afraid of someone close to me doing something to hurt themselves or me when they're drunk.

I guess the fair fight is the fight between sticking to my morals or going against them to do something I've never been a part of before.

For now, this fair fight is rigged. It's not as fair as it seems. Someday I'll probably compromise my morals, but that day won't be anytime soon. And it won't be for drinking.

The main thing that gets me mad is that I have no trust in people who are drinking. I'll never be able to fully trust someone once they've had that first drink at a party. I hate it, but it's how I am about it. I'm an advocate for always being fully aware of what you're doing. I just hate the things that come along with drinking.

That's why I won't be doing it anytime soon...or maybe ever.

I've lost trust in the people closest to me because of drinking, why would I trust it?


NP: Adam's Song- Blink 182

not a replacement

This post is dedicated to Joyce. Joyce is my "step-grandmother."

My Nan, my mom's mom, died when I was in second grade. I was seven years old and I loved my Nan to pieces. She was a beautiful, caring woman who loved everyone around her.

Joyce came into the picture a couple years later when she married Pap. Remembering back I was somewhat upset at how soon after Nan died Pap was remarrying. I guess to a grieving seven year old it looked like my grandfather was trying to replace my Nan.

At first I was skeptical of Joyce. In a way I held it against her, my Nan dying that is. I thought that Joyce was coming into my life to replace my grandmother, and I swore to myself that she would never.

She hasn't, and I'm realizing now, at 18 years old, that she was never trying to.

You see Joyce was a widow herself. She lost her husband Alan some number of years before she met Pap.

Joyce and Pap were just two people who lost the loves of their life and found each other. I can't be mad at Pap or Joyce for that.

From the very beginning Joyce made a conscious effort to talk to me about everything. From sports, to being Jewish, to books. She always had something great to say. Joyce was always at Pap's side at sporting events, and she always went out of her way to make me feel comfortable around her, and for that, I'm grateful.

Joyce is a great woman. She has to be to put up with some of my Pap's crap. She just rolls her eyes at him and carries on most times. (It's quite humorous actually.)

Just yesterday I talked to Joyce on the phone about getting into Fordham. She was beyond happy for me. In fact, she sounded close to tears. In that moment I realized that Joyce has become my grandmother. I always refer to her as my "step grandma" but in reality she's been there for me for the majority of my life. She's taught me a lot about life, but the greatest thing her and Pap have taught me is that it's never too late to love. 


Never give up on love. I saw my grandfather lose the love of his life and stumble across another incredible lady.


There's plenty of love out there, you just have to keep your eyes open. 

I Have To Go

I'll be a Ram next year.

The decision was an easy one to make when I saw how excited and supportive my whole family was. My mom, Dad, and Pap all said not to worry about money because they would make it work. They said college is four years you won't ever get back and that you can't put a price on a good education.

It was nice hearing all of that. It was even better when Pap called and when I got on the phone he said, "So you're a Ram. Congratulations." There was no questioning involved. My family knew how bad I wanted it and now that I finally have it they're fully behind me.

I'm proud to say I'll be living in the Bronx next year and not in Queens. I'm proud to say that dreams do come true. I'm proud and appreciative that my hard work paid off. I'm proud to follow in the footsteps of two people I look up to more than anyone.

I've wanted to go to Fordham since Jarrett was a freshman there some five years ago. I've always looked up to both he and John. And now I won't be far behind them.

The next step in this process is sending in my deposit and buying as much college gear as I can. I'm talking sweatpants, shorts, tee shirts, crew necks, hoodies, a tie, and of course a sticker for my car.

I'm proud to say that next year I'll be attending Fordham University.

What's cool is all the people who were rooting for me all along. Walking through the halls people have been congratulating me and I've received numerous texts from friends saying how excited they were for me. It's a good feeling knowing people are proud of you, but it's nowhere near as amazing as being proud of myself.

I'm truly proud of myself. I did it. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

Keep dreaming and keep working towards making those dreams a reality because unfulfilled dreams are the saddest of all disappointments.

NP: From West Texas- Explosions In The Sky

School Board Meeting

I decided to go to the school board meeting tonight and at first I wasn't exactly sure why. Next year's budget cuts within the district won't be affecting me all the way up in the Bronx. I realized soon after i got there why I was there.

The budget cuts are a horrible, horrible thing and I hate to see what's going to end up happening. Any way you look at it there are going to be a lot of unhappy people. I can't sit here and explain the finite details of the proposed budget, the cuts, or how it will affect programs within the district because I don't fully understand them. The board meeting gave me more insight into those very topics but to fully understand them would take me quite a while.

What I got out of tonight's meeting was that, sadly, there isn't much our school district can do. The statewide budget cuts are affecting every district and every level of education. The cuts are massive, and even an increase in taxes won't make much of a dent. I feel that Governor Corbett made a huge mistake.

The meeting made me realize how sad some parts of our society are. It costs over $25,000 a year to keep an inmate alive in jail while only around $10,000 is allotted per student for their education in a year. How can we spend so much on the people who have done the most wrong and take away opportunities from those yet to make major life decisions?

I don't have the answer to that question and I don't think many other people do.

My cynical mind says that death row is bull. I personally don't believe in keeping serial killers and rapists alive. I also don't agree with lethal injection and the costs it adds. If someone is on death row they deserve to die. They don't deserve to live in jail for years on end, appealing their charges, and being fed three square meals a day when there are single mothers sacrificing meals to keep their kids alive.

Take the death row inmates and kill them. Not with some three step process, with bullets. I don't care what you might deem cruel and unusual. Death row inmates have committed some of the most heinous crimes imaginable. I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep knowing they didn't die in the most peaceful way possible.

Our country has a lot wrong with it, and maybe someday in the near future I'll be able to make a difference in it. Not through legislation or political office, but through this very medium. Through writing. Maybe my words will inspire someone who can turn this whole thing around. Maybe my words will help someone realize that they can make a difference. I'll make my difference, I promise you all that.

At the end of an almost three hour meeting I realized why I showed up in the first place.
I showed up for my little sister.
I showed up for kids who might not get to take art in elementary school like I did.
I showed up for the kids of my own I'll have one day. 
I showed up because the group mentality is a strong thing to be a part of...

more than anything I showed up because I need to stand for something in this twisted world. 


NP: Boy Crazy- New Found Glory

just when I thought I knew...

Today was a pretty average day, but a day of life nonetheless so I guess that makes it special. Anyway, it wasn't until 8:30 p.m. that my day really took a turn for the best. I checked my email, probably for the twentieth time today and no I'm not that popular, but as it refreshed something popped up. This is what I saw...

I nearly fainted. (I did in fact fall on the floor.) I was shocked to say the least. An overwhelming sense of accomplishment flooded my body. In that moment, I felt i could do anything. The thing I had wanted for so long was now sitting in the palm of my hand...and yet, there was indecision. I've wanted to be a Fordham Ram for as long as I can remember and now that I have that chance, I ask myself, "At what cost?"

There will come a time in every person's life where they realize what they've wanted the most might not be what's best for them. I'm fairly sure that Fordham will come out to be more expensive than St. John's. You cliche optimists will likely say, "You can't put a price on happiness," but when we're talking tens of thousands of dollars of debt, maybe I can. Maybe not though... We'll see.

They say you have to play the hand you're dealt, but how do you play it when all your cards seem so good? When each possibility has as many pros and cons as the next?

I'm a terrible card player, but I like the hand I have now. I don't mean to come across as pessimistic about getting into Fordham because I am anything but. I'm the happiest I've been in a long while. My dream school wants me. My family is proud of me. And my friends are still by my side.

Here's the only problem with wants versus needs, they're hard to discern. Sometimes it can be impossible to determine if you need something or if you just want it bad. And maybe my theory of wanting something is more than enough reason, but I'm referring to something different here. I've wanted to be a Ram for the longest time, and in the end that might be enough for me. But when I talk about what I need my mind shifts gears. My mind shifts to the friends that I need in my life. That I'd be lost without. It shifts to my family. The family who helped put me in the best position to succeed in every aspect of life.

I put those people I need above all else. When I'm with them, they're all I want, and I hope I'm all they need. I realize that isn't the case a lot of times. A lot of times minds wander and when my eyes scan the room I see minds that are elsewhere. I see eyes glued to phones. I just ask you, what do you need? What do you want? And what can I do to help? 


I've let my mind wander and I've had my eyes glued to my phone. But as senior year comes to a close I'm realizing what I truly need. 


I truly don't need much. 


I can say that I truly need to be loved and need others to love. I have that right now, and I hope it doesn't go away anytime soon. Forever is a concept I've yet to fully grasp, but I'll take this as long as I can have it for. 


Life is good, life is short, and life is turning out to be more simple than I thought. I'll be grinning for quite a while. 


Life is too good not to smile, life is too short not to smile, and life is too simple not to smile. I'm going to smile because it's one of the few things that will always make sense. 

NP: Feelin It- Jay-Z


Next year I'll be learning in one of these two buildings...surreal doesn't even explain how that feels.

breakthrough

First and foremost I owe Levi a shout out for being one of my biggest fans. He's been a Daily Dozer since I started and I'm proud to have received as many texts as i have from him saying nice blog or something along those lines. When I make a Daily Doze t-shirt, I like to think he'll be one of the first to buy.

Now to breakthroughs. I always feel like I have mini breakthroughs in my life. I'm not sure a mini breakthrough is ever actually a breakthrough, but for the sake of not arguing, today it is.

Some breakthroughs are positive and leave me feeling satisfied. Some are negative and leave me questioning everything around me. I've had several breakthroughs of both sorts recently.

The thing about these mini epiphanies is that each epiphany leaves me more confused. I guess that means they aren't epiphanies are they?

I want to know what the future has in store for me, but I won't know until it's here. One thing I do know is that I'm not afraid of it.

The only thing that has hit me recently that I do understand is that people love to regress. People love to reopen doors that were closed for a reason. I don't mean to talk down to anybody when I say this, but in my opinion going back to an ex is one of the biggest forms of regression. Maybe in some cases it isn't, but in almost every case I've seen, it is. I see people go back to exes that cheated on them, lied to them, and left them for no reason. I just think it's sad. There's a reason you are exes.  


Sure love is blind and all that other cliche garbage, but just because love is blind doesn't mean you have to be. Open your eyes and ears and see what's going on around you. Maybe this is an unnecessary rant, but maybe it'll strike somebody. It's just an observation I've made that's been grinding my gears.

In the end it's about moving on from one book of your life to the next and not looking back. You've read these pages already, and you know how the story plays out. Get into that new book and look for something worthwhile in it. Turn each and every page and find yourself in it. Find the words and the chapters nearest and dearest to your heart. Find that character that makes you smile, that makes you happy. Make that character yours. Just know to move on when the time comes. Rereading old books might bring momentary happiness, but they always end the same and if you're rereading the book that means it didn't end the way you wanted it to the first time...

honored

Senior honors night ended up being worthwhile.

The beginning of the ceremony dragged on for a while and it wasn't until the awards and scholarship portion that I felt like I belonged there. I watched as people won awards for art,ban, chorus, and computer education before Frau Zanella stood up to award someone with the English award. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to win, but I'd also be lying if I told you that I thought I would win. Lo and behold, I won.When she mentioned that the student who won had a blog that inspired and brought together his class I started shaking. And when she quoted my blog for everyone to hear I started sweating. I never thought the blog was as well received by not only my peers, but also by the teachers and adults around me. I don't think I've ever been as proud of myself as I was in that moment.

I feel the need to say that as happy I am that I won this award I feel like Vaughn probably deserved it more than me. He's a hell of a writer and has always been passionate about writing. I doubt it's any consolation to you Vaughn, but I think you should have won. I mean that wholeheartedly.

Later on in the night Ashley and I won the U.S. Army Reserve National Scholar Athlete Award. Sure being recognized as a scholar athlete was great, but that English award topped it. It shows me how much this blog means to all of you reading it. I never knew, until today.

I also have to note that the soccer team pretty much cleaned up the awards as far as boys go. between Joseph, Dave, Brandon, and myself I think we amassed at least 10 awards. I think that tells a lot not only about the type of kids we are, but about our parents as well.

When I got home just a few minutes I walked by my mom and said, "Are you proud of me, mom?" She said, "I'm very proud, but I was proud before you won those awards." I think that might be one of those things you have to say to your kids. It's in some sort of parenting rule book, but either way, it felt good hearing it.

I'm grateful to whichever teachers voted me for the English award. I'm also grateful for the Army award. Tonight I truly feel honored. I might be on my high horse, but I know there are worse places to be.

NP: The Glory- Kanye West

hints of insanity, sincerity, and love

Realization number one for tonight is this: Nothing is as it appears.
Realization number two for tonight is this: That isn't the worst thing in the world. 


Sometimes things appear worse than they are. Sometimes things actually are in your favor. Sometimes what seems to be working against you is actually working for you.

Insanity has worked it's way back into my life. I've accepted that I am insane, but the people around me have gone crazy too. I'm not sure anybody is sane anymore. I'm not sure anybody needs to be though. Maybe insanity keeps us sane because it's the only possible way to survive. Trying to be sane in a world full of insanity makes you the insane one.  


As far as sincerity goes I'm finding it's more prevalent than I previously thought. I have a lot of people around me who sincerely care about me. People who want to see me happy and want me to win in every battle I'm a part of. The one thing sincerity can do though is hold you back. It can keep you from something because someone sincerely cares about you to the point of wanting to protect you from being hurt. Be sincere, but don't interfere. Let those people you care about make their own decisions and their own mistakes.


It's not your job to hold their hand when they walk life's tightropes, rather it's your job to catch them when they misstep.


Love is all around. I can tell you that for a fact. And luckily, in many cases, it's selfless love. Loving someone else's happiness is the truest form of love. Not being jealous of their happiness, but truly loving that they are happy. It's the most unselfish type of love you can ever feel. I'm loved by a few and liked by a lot, I'm sure I'm hated by some and disliked by more, maybe I'm even feared by a couple, but I'm understood by none. And I hope that never changes. You don't need to understand something to love it.

I'm not fully understanding a lot right now, but I'm loving almost everything.. I'm loving the things I find out everyday. I'm loving admittance. I'm loving the truth. Actions have always spoke louder than mute words, and they always will.

Goodnight world. Love a little.

NP: Your Love- Nicki Minaj

Great Weekend

This has been the best weekend in recent memory. Prom on Friday was a blast and yesterday I went to my cabin with my best friends. I already gave you my prom recap, but looking back it was better than I explained it as being. Looking back at the time I spent looking around I saw a lot of people who looked much less into it than me. People who should've been enjoying themselves were stuck at their tables with dates who looked miserable. I'm sorry that was the case.

The cabin was super relaxing as always. We arrived at the cabin and ate lunch before our day outdoors really began. Ty, Ethan, Chris, Ashley, Amanda, Morgan, and myself all decided to go fishing after lunch. Our fishing only lasted a short while when we realized nothing was biting. We decided instead to hunt for crayfish and we were more successful doing so. After catching some crayfish the girls went back to the cabin and fell asleep while the boys took a nice hike into the woods. I'd say we trekked a good three miles into the woods and eventually found ourselves climbing up onto rock formations and looking into bear caves. I'm not always big on the outdoors, but when you're with your best friends it's something special. We shared plenty of laughs on the hike and also came up with plenty of escape methods if we actually encountered a bear.

After hiking back down the mountain to the cabin we found the women asleep so we decided to try our luck in the river again. Only I caught a fish, but it was more about the principle of being in the sun than actually catching a fish.

While fishing the second time we got a call from Jared because he couldn't find the cabin. Jared drove up alone after all of us were up there and the address that Amanda's iPhone gave him for his GPS had him ending up across the river from the cabin. Ty and I got in the car and went to retrieve him while Morgan and Ashley made dinner. We ate dinner and then sat around the campfire until around 1 in the morning.

The real shit show started when we had to find places for everyone to sleep. Luckily nobody had to sleep on the floor and everybody got, to some extent, a good night's sleep.

The time at the cabin is a time I won't soon forget and is something I hope to do again very soon with these people I call my best friends.

NP: Can't Get Enough- J. Cole

Prom Recap

Well guys, prom ended up being more fun than I anticipated. I did more dancing than I planned on doing and still got in a good amount of watching. I still am not a huge fan of prom simply because I find it impersonal. I had fun taking part in some impersonal dancing, but I still sort of detest it.

The night was long, but it was fun. There should be at least one picture of me in circulation where I look half way presentable which is all that counts.

I stuck by my guidelines that I outlined before prom and it allowed me to have a great night. I'm home safe and sound which is the most important thing.

I told Ashley and Amanda I didn't have a high for the night, but in reality I did. I had two. The first was having fun dancing with whoever I wanted to. The second was a moment I tried to cement in my mind.

During the senior circle I looked around and stared at the people around me. I took snapshots of them in my head. I'm hoping I won't soon forget these people I call my classmates. There are some I know I couldn't forget if I tried and sadly there are some I'd like to remember that I won't. I wish I could remember everyone but that wouldn't be realistic, and in reality not everyone has proven they're worth remembering.

Maybe that's harsh, but maybe not. I feel that being remembered is something that must be earned. The most memorable individuals of all time were the ones who took action. They were the people who had the initiative to do something great, something worthwhile. Now maybe some people's definition of worthwhile is different than mine, but I'll decide who I think is memorable and who isn't.

I owe Ryan Wiedmann a shout out for living it up last night. The dude lived prom on his own terms, which is, by far, the best way to do it.

Last night was a great night. Looking back I noticed I'm quite the passive dancer. I refused to go out of my way to dance with anyone. Partly because the impersonal feel builds a wall of sorts between myself and those around me. I'm unsure of what exactly I mean, I guess it's just the idea that I don't know if people want to dance with me or not. But thanks to the urging of those around me I managed to do more than enough dancing.

Prom was good, now the next big thing...graduation.

The NP for today is one I've used a lot. But it's a great song, some people's favorite song, and it's a song that makes my leg shake.

NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

Prom

I've given my take on prom and now it's time to give you guys my advice as far as how to conduct yourselves before, during, and after prom. Like always you don't have to listen to anything I say, what do I know anyway?

As far as before prom is concerned, don't be an idiot. We had that assembly yesterday to show you how drinking will affect you. He didn't overwhelm us with statistics about how it affects your driving. Instead he gave us a more meaningful statistic.

That statistic is that every single day he thinks about the day that he killed his three best friends.

I'm not sure what else I can say really. I can tell you not to drink, and some of you still will. I can tell you not to do drugs, and some of you still will. I just pray to God that none of you will wake up with the regret of hurting someone close to you.

Like I said, this advice is merely advice. I'm here for you guys as a friend, but as a friend I can't stop you from falling. I can't stop you from being hurt. I'm here to catch you after you fall, but my job as a friend isn't to interfere to the point of preventing you from falling. I'll catch you though, that's a promise. 


Now for during prom...I can't give you any real advice except to enjoy yourself. Have fun and dance your hearts out. (If that's what you like to do.) If it isn't, then find what makes you happy. For me, a lot of my time is spent people watching. Acting as a wallflower and making mental notes of people's interactions.

Don't be afraid to dance with the girl you've always been crazy about, don't be afraid to move out of your comfort zone, and don't be afraid to make a fool out of yourself. (Just make sure that girl you're crazy about doesn't have some crazy boyfriend. I don't want to encourage anyone to put themselves in harms way.)

During prom you'll see me dancing and you'll see me seeing. You'll see me watching everyone, breaking down what's going on, and likely over evaluating every situation. That's just me. I couldn't stop if I tried, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to. I have a few situations in my life where I don't think, and those are the situations that keep me sane.

After prom is a demon that you can't be wary enough of. Be careful. Drive safe. Make good decisions. This is supposed to be the highlight of our senior year and I don't want it to be marked with tragedy or disaster. Please go home after prom and get some sleep. What you do the next day is up to you. Many of you will go somewhere to drink. I'll be at my cabin with my best friends; not drinking, but hanging out. Eating s'mores and sitting around a campfire.

All these things are advice that I myself plan on listening to. You guys are grown up enough to make your own decisions though. The administration more than likely won't be breathalyzing us at the doors. It's our job to be grown up enough to make smart decisions. It's our job to make tonight unforgettable for all the right reasons. And it's our job to make it home safe to our families.

Make it home to your families. Make smart decisions. Make me proud. 


I love you all and hope you have a great prom. 

onward and upward

I passed my senior project earlier this morning. Presentations are supposed to last between five minutes and eight minutes...mine went over ten. Mr. Cackovic forgot to give me a cue at five minutes and I just kept on rolling along. When I finished they told me not to worry, that ten minutes intrigued was better than five minutes bored. I think they truly liked the presentation. I had a blast giving it because it's about this. It was about blogging.

Now that I've passed that project I can ready myself for prom tonight. Not too much maintenance needs done fortunately. I'd sure hate to be a girl on prom. Hair appointments bright and early, I'd want to go out and run around and my hair would be a mess by the time prom came around. Being a boy, today, is much easier. I'll  give my hair the attention it deserves, and luckily that means spending a maximum of ten minutes styling it with some gel.

Prom is great I guess. It's the one day every year that seniors and juniors alike go all out and get all done up. We all come together and get to dance our little hearts out. This is my senior prom and I guess you could say I'm excited.

Senior prom is supposed to be the pinnacle of our time as high school students. Our senior year is supposed to culminate tonight. Tonight is supposed to be one of the best nights of our life. For me it'll be just another night. I'm excited, sure, I'd be a fool not to be excited, but prom isn't really my cup of tea.

It's not because I can't dance, which I can't. It's because I find prom to be very superficial. Don't get me wrong, I love getting dressed up more than most anybody, I just don't like the impersonal feel of prom. Maybe I'm over thinking this whole thing and maybe deep down I'm scared because this is my last school dance, and the first one I'll be single for. I guess I am sort of worried, and maybe I'll have more fun than I think, but I really just don't know.

I don't like to dance, and I've decided that if prom consisted of getting dressed up, taking pictures, and then going back home that it would be my favorite event of the year.

I'm approaching prom with an optimistic outlook with hints of pessimism sprinkled in. I plan on having a better time than last year, but I'm not hoping for anything out of the movies. If I leave prom at three a.m. with a smile on my face, then something went right.

I'm probably going to start another post right now about being safe at prom, so stay tuned. Love you guys.

NP: Footloose- Kenny Loggins

advice

The new Chrysler 300 commercial has some great comments in it. It's all about advice and those giving it. The commercial says this... "On the way to the top everyone's got advice for you. What you're doing wrong and how to do things they've never done themselves." It goes on to explain features of the car and ends with, "You can keep the sound of doubt outside."

The commercial inspired me. It inspired the idea of advice. We all like to think we give great advice, yet we hate to receive advice from people. Maybe we don't hate to receive it, but we don't truly listen to their advice. At the end of the day we're going to do what we want to do.

"How to do things they've never done themselves." That's probably the most true aspect of advice and criticism. People love to think they know more than they actually do. People love to tell you how to do something even when they've never done it. They're more than entitled to their opinion, and they're allowed to criticize you for what you do, but at the end of the day you et to do what you want. That's what's beautiful about our life. We choose, to an extent, what goes on. We choose who we surround ourselves with. We choose what we do.

Advice is a great thing, but the best thing about advice is that after you've received some; you choose whether or not you listen to it. You always have the final say in what you do.

Obviously some advice is better to listen to. Sadly many times we don't know what advice was good advice until we've made the wrong decision. That's life.

To me, life is about making mistakes. It's about falling over and over and clinging to the things you believe in. It's about speaking your mind and being the best friend you can be. It's about being independent but having faith in others. It's about being wrong with the intentions of being right. It's loving endlessly and faithfully. Life is a lot of things, a lot of unpredictable things. Unpredictable is good though. Unpredictable makes life fun. Unpredictable makes life worth living.
NP: Yours Truly- Sol

left you hanging

Sorry I didn't post last night guys. I wasn't sure what I had to say. I have some stuff for you now though. Last night I had a good talk with Graz about love, life, and friendship. We came to the conclusion that each and every person approaches love and relationships differently.

Ty's one who doesn't want to get hurt, but I'm the opposite. I'm ready to be hurt. I'll never feel pain like I've felt already.

Not in the sense of a breakup after four years, or the rocky months before it ended. I'm referring to the sense of seeing my own father lose himself. I'm talking about the feeling that your Dad's priority is drinking over family. Maybe that's why I don't worry about being someone's priority. Sure, I probably deserve to be it, but I've seen my Dad put substance over family so if someone doesn't put me first and I put them first I'm okay with it.

We also talked about friendship a lot. He said that he can't be friends with someone if he dislikes one thing about them. I'm the opposite. Sometimes I let too much go, but that's just the way I am. I'll make up excuses for people I love because I'm deathly afraid of losing them.

How you view love and relationships stems a lot from what you grew up with.

I grew up with a loving mother and father, but I wouldn't say that my parents are soul mates in any sense of the word.

Ty was worried that I'm not happy. But I couldn't agree less. I'm beyond happy. He said that I might be happy right now, but that he's afraid of how bad I'll be let down in the future. Me, I'm living in the present. I can't plan for future happiness or worry about protecting myself because that will prevent from happiness in the moment. I want happiness now. I want to live in the present and make the most out of what I have in front of me. Maybe later on I'll get hurt, but for now, I'm going to do what makes me happy.

I'm happy. It could always be better, but it could always be worse.

Ty told me how he felt about different things I've been told by different people. He basically said that actions prove why words won't mean anything. In a way that means that this blog doesn't mean anything. I know he didn't mean it to come across that way, but that's sort of the way I feel. I say all sorts of things on here, but what do I actually do?

I don't do much. I feel like I do as much as I can though. There will always be more I wish I could do, but some things I'd like to do can't be done. Things like skipping out on college and writing a book. Living comfortably off of earnings from that book. That won't happen.

I also wish that if I went to college I wouldn't be coming out with tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, but more than likely that will be the case. I'm jealous of Ty in that sense. Maybe it's wrong to be jealous of someone for something they've worked so hard for, but I wish I was as talented as him at soccer. I wish I could've helped my mom pay for school. I feel so helpless in this whole college payment thing. I guess in a way I'm still bitter about my quad tearing and never fulfilling what I think I could've in football.
Like I said, I'm a jealous son of a bitch. I think every person is jealous of something though. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors goods just doesn't fly with me. I always want more. Want what I can't have.


I also told Ty how in most of my blogs I incorporate little things to grab the attention of different readers. I bold certain things to have them stick out and let people know what I'm really feeling. He told me he already knew that. (Comes with the territory of being best friends I guess. He can read me like an open book, or in this case a subtle hint in a blog.)

NP: Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi

big brother

Today I finally got to see my sister run in her track meet. It was out in West Mifflin and she ran pretty darn well. Between her and the other freshman and sophomore they're going to have a solid team in two years.

I had fun sitting there with mom just talking for three or four hours. I'm excited to go watch her run again next Thursday now.

What I'm more excited for is to get back into the weight room tomorrow. I've been waiting a long time to get back in there and let out some steam.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, between baseball cleanup after school, lifting, running to the bank, picking up my tux, and getting Jordan's flowers for prom as well. I might actually sign myself out of school early and make a day out of it!

Probably going to have to stay for 7th period though, come to think of it I definitely need to. That's one period of the day where my leg shakes violently but I actually get some work done. The shaking is violent because that's the class where I do the most thinking about the most serious topics. Topics very close to me.

I love being my sister's big brother. I love having Jenny around, which might be the first time I've admitted that.

Track meets are cool. I get to see a lot of different things and it makes me miss that competitive nature. I see a lot of competition out there and it makes me hungry to compete again.

These days fly by and drag on at the same time. School is dwindling down which isn't so bad, but I feel like this end is coming too soon. I miss certain things that I can no longer have. Sports is one of those things. I just want to feel that feeling. The feeling of winning something; something you wanted more than anything.

NP: Won't Go Home Without You

another season ending

It might be over, but we lived it, so it'll never really die. 


This season was a great one. I got to play my senior season with some of my best friends that I've been playing with since little league.

Out in the outfield OD came over when we were switching pitchers and said something that I agreed with wholeheartedly. He said that he would go in and pitch and tear his rotator cuff if it meant we would win. That's the closest I can come to explaining what I'd give to have one more day on the diamond with my team.

OD is a great friend and teammate. I watched his body fall apart this football season but he played through as much as he could. It'd be hard to find a kid who cared as much about West A athletics as OD. It's refreshing to see an old school player type like him. Most kids would've sat out after their first injury, not OD, he waited until he actually couldn't walk. I loved playing alongside him since little league. He's a friend I hope I can stay close to.

Next year he's going to get a great education and continue playing football. His tenacious nature will lead to great things...I'm sure of that. If you measure a man by his dedication and passion, OD is leaps and bounds ahead of most other guys our age.

We have a boatload of memories together; from times at the cabin, to gingerbread houses at Grammy's, to deer hunter on PS2 with Bob Malone, to little league baseball, and now high school baseball and football.

Thanks for everything OD.