Friday, December 30, 2011
What I found
I recently found some pictures of my mom and dad that I had never seen before. Thought I'd share some with you..... Also would like to let you know I am blogging from my iPhone pretty neat. All the pictures are of my mom, dad, pap, and nan(who my memoir was about).
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Some Thoughts Before Work
Just some things i have been thinking about lately. I guess you could say they've been bugging me and i am really hesitant to tell people what I actually think, so I turn to you, my trusty blog.
Recently I have been really pissed off by people's overall lack of ambition. Or if not a lack of ambition, ambition for something totally stupid. For instance, if i pissed around in high school, decided to go to some community college where i eventually dropped out of to pursue my career in the "rap game." (A really budding industry) To me that is the definition of not having a plan. On top of that, I would bounce around from part time job to part time job spending my free nights getting blitzed with anybody any age. That's just one thing i have been thinking about lately.
Another thing that has been bugging me that is actually a part of the first complaint is drinking. To put it simply i don't drink. I choose not to and i like to respect the fact that other people drink... to a point. I cannot ever totally condemn drinking. Drinking can be a social stimulant, for instance my mom becomes a much more confident, outgoing person when she drinks. Other people though, become total idiots. They brag about how much they drink, and it totally changes the person they are. That's why I avoid alcohol. I would hate to be something I am not. Alcohol also can be easily abused and with my family's addictive tendencies I don't dare tempt fate.
The final thing running through my mind is saving face. We all do it because we want to come across as the most respectable person we can, so we don't reveal the whole truth. Sometimes saving face is okay. But other times, you need to admit your wrongs because that is what it takes to keep something you love. You will lose people's respect, but you will keep what you want. To me that is something to adore in a person. Someone who is willing to tell the whole truth, no matter what it means to their reputation, as long as they keep the thing they love.
At the same time, never tell someone something they want to hear, just so they think more of you. Always speak the truth. The truth will always come out. You don't have to tell someone you don't like to party if you do like to. You can be yourself and if someone doesn't like who you are, then that's the way it is. Saving face in that case is the worst thing you can do.
The point of all this is be who you are and say what you want, just recognize that you have to live with the decisions you make and the words you speak.
"Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained."
-Ghandi
NP: Fast Car- Tracy Chapman
Recently I have been really pissed off by people's overall lack of ambition. Or if not a lack of ambition, ambition for something totally stupid. For instance, if i pissed around in high school, decided to go to some community college where i eventually dropped out of to pursue my career in the "rap game." (A really budding industry) To me that is the definition of not having a plan. On top of that, I would bounce around from part time job to part time job spending my free nights getting blitzed with anybody any age. That's just one thing i have been thinking about lately.
Another thing that has been bugging me that is actually a part of the first complaint is drinking. To put it simply i don't drink. I choose not to and i like to respect the fact that other people drink... to a point. I cannot ever totally condemn drinking. Drinking can be a social stimulant, for instance my mom becomes a much more confident, outgoing person when she drinks. Other people though, become total idiots. They brag about how much they drink, and it totally changes the person they are. That's why I avoid alcohol. I would hate to be something I am not. Alcohol also can be easily abused and with my family's addictive tendencies I don't dare tempt fate.
The final thing running through my mind is saving face. We all do it because we want to come across as the most respectable person we can, so we don't reveal the whole truth. Sometimes saving face is okay. But other times, you need to admit your wrongs because that is what it takes to keep something you love. You will lose people's respect, but you will keep what you want. To me that is something to adore in a person. Someone who is willing to tell the whole truth, no matter what it means to their reputation, as long as they keep the thing they love.
At the same time, never tell someone something they want to hear, just so they think more of you. Always speak the truth. The truth will always come out. You don't have to tell someone you don't like to party if you do like to. You can be yourself and if someone doesn't like who you are, then that's the way it is. Saving face in that case is the worst thing you can do.
The point of all this is be who you are and say what you want, just recognize that you have to live with the decisions you make and the words you speak.
"Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained."
-Ghandi
NP: Fast Car- Tracy Chapman
Monday, December 26, 2011
It's Christmas Time
Christmas is amazing. I had an amazing Christmas. Spent it with loved ones which is the best part of any holiday. (Also got some amazing presents which also helps.) What's great about Christmas is it's a time where people really show who they are. Mr. Marshall went on a rant in class last week, be it it was a good rant, and talked about becoming a better listener. This Christmas I listened. Tonight I listened to my cousins talk back and forth with Joyce about the economy, politics, education reform, and climate change. It was insightful, and even though I had nothing to say I was engaged. I listened and I learned. I learned a lot about both my cousins from their stances on the various topics and also realized how smart Joyce is, Joyce is my step grandmother by the way.
The thing about listening is that you have to listen not only to people but to yourself. You need to listen to your head and your heart. Doctors say it is about 18 inches from your head to your heart, but it seems like the two are much farther apart than that sometimes. It feels like there are miles between the two sometimes and it's hard to know what to listen to. This Christmas I listened to my heart and I put myself out there. I like to think it worked, but only time will tell.
What's sad is that people try to come in and tell you that what you did is wrong. People hate to see other people happy, they enjoy seeing other people upset so their life seems better. Recently I have heard them talk, I have questioned if what I have done is wrong, I have thought and thought, I have been called a liar, I have been ridiculed for things my heart told me was right. And what it comes down to is this, I truly and honestly am going to stick by what I have done. I will not take back anything I have said or done and I will no longer even acknowledge someone who questions my heart. My heart is one thing you cannot question. Questioning a man's heart is questioning the very principles they live by and the words they speak. If you doubt my heart, you doubt me as a person.
The other terrible thing is when you are doing something you think is so great and you can see that someone you care about is going to be brought down by it. I hate thinking that I am bringing drama into someone else's life. Especially someone who doesn't deserve it. I guess the only thing to say about that is that you have to find someone in your life worth putting ahead of yourself. People can say what they want about me, but when they want to bring someone else into it, someone totally not in the wrong, that is where I say no. I'll stick up for those people I care about until the day I die. Question my heart on that one.
Well Christmas is over, and a new year is approaching, but I'm starting to look at everyday as a present. Any day that you get to talk to someone who means a lot to you it's a gift. Remember you aren't owed anything in life. That's for damn sure. Another thing that is guaranteed is that you should never question whether you are "worth it." I know I have and it eats away at me. Time to recognize that who I am is who I am, and that if that isn't worth fighting for, then whatever happens happens and what's meant to be will be.
Final thought for tonight is believing. You need something or someone to believe in, and this Christmas I started believing again. Believing in myself, and believing in other people. It just took a Christmas bell to make me realize.
NP: Beautiful- Eminem
The thing about listening is that you have to listen not only to people but to yourself. You need to listen to your head and your heart. Doctors say it is about 18 inches from your head to your heart, but it seems like the two are much farther apart than that sometimes. It feels like there are miles between the two sometimes and it's hard to know what to listen to. This Christmas I listened to my heart and I put myself out there. I like to think it worked, but only time will tell.
What's sad is that people try to come in and tell you that what you did is wrong. People hate to see other people happy, they enjoy seeing other people upset so their life seems better. Recently I have heard them talk, I have questioned if what I have done is wrong, I have thought and thought, I have been called a liar, I have been ridiculed for things my heart told me was right. And what it comes down to is this, I truly and honestly am going to stick by what I have done. I will not take back anything I have said or done and I will no longer even acknowledge someone who questions my heart. My heart is one thing you cannot question. Questioning a man's heart is questioning the very principles they live by and the words they speak. If you doubt my heart, you doubt me as a person.
The other terrible thing is when you are doing something you think is so great and you can see that someone you care about is going to be brought down by it. I hate thinking that I am bringing drama into someone else's life. Especially someone who doesn't deserve it. I guess the only thing to say about that is that you have to find someone in your life worth putting ahead of yourself. People can say what they want about me, but when they want to bring someone else into it, someone totally not in the wrong, that is where I say no. I'll stick up for those people I care about until the day I die. Question my heart on that one.
Well Christmas is over, and a new year is approaching, but I'm starting to look at everyday as a present. Any day that you get to talk to someone who means a lot to you it's a gift. Remember you aren't owed anything in life. That's for damn sure. Another thing that is guaranteed is that you should never question whether you are "worth it." I know I have and it eats away at me. Time to recognize that who I am is who I am, and that if that isn't worth fighting for, then whatever happens happens and what's meant to be will be.
Final thought for tonight is believing. You need something or someone to believe in, and this Christmas I started believing again. Believing in myself, and believing in other people. It just took a Christmas bell to make me realize.
NP: Beautiful- Eminem
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Funniest Thing Ever
I got home from school today to my dad talking to someone on the phone. He finishes up and I ask him who it was. Apparently before my grandmother died she had a DUI. My dad got a call from someone associated with the court saying there was a warrant out for her arrest because she missed her court date today. My dad responded by saying, "Good luck getting her." They asked what he meant. He said, "Well it's gonna be hard getting her out of that little box now isn't it?"
Only my dad could make a joke about his own mother being cremated. I think that's where I get some of my crude humor. The other, extremely witty humor. Comes from my mother.
Thought I would share that with you all.
Only my dad could make a joke about his own mother being cremated. I think that's where I get some of my crude humor. The other, extremely witty humor. Comes from my mother.
Thought I would share that with you all.
Tears
Last night i went to my Grandmother's funeral procession and I honestly thought I wouldn't cry. I loved my grandma endlessly, but the fact that she was cremated and there was no body just took something away from it. There's nothing worse than looking down in that casket and seeing the lifeless body of a body that once had so much energy and life.
The funeral wasn't bad, aside from the fact that I knew about 25% of the people there it was good. I got to catch up with that 25% and it was nice to see everyone again. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together, but I guess that's just life. People are busy, and getting together is hard.
I talked to family and friends. I'd like to thank my three friends who showed up last night too. Josh Coury, Ty, and Schweins. Thank you guys. I don't know if you'll read this, but thank you. It meant alot to have a friend to turn too.
I got to see pictures of family members that they would never show except at a funeral. I saw a picture of my dad when he was in the service and I can't deny that I look a lot like him. He was a handsome young guy. I was also amazed when I saw a picture of my dad's dad, a man I never met. He was a strapping guy. He kinda looked like James Dean. It was neat to see.
After two hours of visitation my gram's cousin who is a priest said a few prayers and opened it up for people to come up and say something about Sally. Five or ten people spoke, I was not one of them. I thought about it but I couldn't process words to say. I had so many memories with her, and I couldn't think of anything? Sad right? I wish I had. But after everyone had said their bit I went over, and looked at a picture of my grandma that I had seen at least a hundred times before, but this times I broke down. I cried and cried. The thought of never looking at her vibrant red hair again ate at me. My dad saw me crying and he brought me in and gave me a big hug, telling me it was okay. In that moment I felt closer to my dad than I have in a long time, maybe ever.
Some lyrics from J. Cole's song Lost Ones came to mind last night as I was cying. It's my opinion of crying, but J. Cole beat me to putting it in a song.
"I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes, I cry sometimes about it."
NP: Lost Ones- J.Cole
The funeral wasn't bad, aside from the fact that I knew about 25% of the people there it was good. I got to catch up with that 25% and it was nice to see everyone again. It's sad that it takes something like this to bring people together, but I guess that's just life. People are busy, and getting together is hard.
I talked to family and friends. I'd like to thank my three friends who showed up last night too. Josh Coury, Ty, and Schweins. Thank you guys. I don't know if you'll read this, but thank you. It meant alot to have a friend to turn too.
After two hours of visitation my gram's cousin who is a priest said a few prayers and opened it up for people to come up and say something about Sally. Five or ten people spoke, I was not one of them. I thought about it but I couldn't process words to say. I had so many memories with her, and I couldn't think of anything? Sad right? I wish I had. But after everyone had said their bit I went over, and looked at a picture of my grandma that I had seen at least a hundred times before, but this times I broke down. I cried and cried. The thought of never looking at her vibrant red hair again ate at me. My dad saw me crying and he brought me in and gave me a big hug, telling me it was okay. In that moment I felt closer to my dad than I have in a long time, maybe ever.
Some lyrics from J. Cole's song Lost Ones came to mind last night as I was cying. It's my opinion of crying, but J. Cole beat me to putting it in a song.
"I ain't too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes, I cry sometimes about it."
NP: Lost Ones- J.Cole
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Snapshot Memoir
A moment in life that serves as a snapshot would have to be swimming in the pool at Hilton Head with my grandpa. We came back from the beach and jumped in the pool and just floated around and talked about investing. This moment sticks because while I didn't really learn anything about investing time seemed to stand still. It was me and my gradfather just talking and it was fun. He was so knowledgable and I knew nothing and it was nice to feel truly dumb for once. He talked and talked and for the first time in a long time I just listened. I would butt in here or there with a comment about something that was either obvious or with some point that was totally wrong. But Pap never made fun of me or mocked me for my stupidity. I can also remember what the scene looked like. The pool was really warm because we were in Hilton head for Thanksgiving, Pap was laying on his favorite yellow mat in his favorite blue Nautica bathing suit. I was wearing outlandish bright yellow and pink Billabong boardshorts. I think it's cool because people always tell me how much i look like my grandpa. I take that as a compliment because my grandfather is one god looking guy.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Emotions
Right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. So I will make two lists. One list is of the things I cannot stand about people, and the other is a list of things that I constantly worry about. (These are in no specific order)
List One: Things I Hate
1. Kids who screw around in high school and take it for granted.
2. People who have so much good in their life and complain how shitty their life is.
3. Wasting time. And not getting the most out of every day.
4. Kids who can't wait to go to college to drink or so that they are "entertained"
5. Guys who treat girls like shit.
6. Girls who stay with, or go for a guy who treats girls like shit.
7. Kids who chew in public like it's some cool thing to do. It isn't it's nasty.
8. People who say "i hate my parents"
9. People who only hang out with "friends" when they're stoned or drunk. a.k.a. fake friendships
10. Kids who disrespect adults.
11. Kids who don't care about their grades.
12. People who say they're too tough to cry.
13. People who make everything more dramatic then it has to be.
14. Kids who get a college degree equivalent to majoring in puppetry or underwater basket weaving.
15. Drinking as someones main activity.
16. People who need to drink to be themselves and have a good time.
17. People who don't take anything serious.
List Two: Things I Worry About
1. If I'm doing my best at everything I do.
2. If I mean as much to people as they mean to me.
3. If I take things too seriously.
4. If I put myself out there too much.
5. If my family is proud of me.
6. If I'm doing the right things.
7. If I'm living by the very things I preach.
8. If I'm making an impact on someone's life.
9. If I'm as good as him...
Sorry for all that. Just a lot going through my head recently. Feeling good now. Happier blogs to follow. Pinky promise.
NP: Soundtrack to My Life- Kid Cudi
List One: Things I Hate
1. Kids who screw around in high school and take it for granted.
2. People who have so much good in their life and complain how shitty their life is.
3. Wasting time. And not getting the most out of every day.
4. Kids who can't wait to go to college to drink or so that they are "entertained"
5. Guys who treat girls like shit.
6. Girls who stay with, or go for a guy who treats girls like shit.
7. Kids who chew in public like it's some cool thing to do. It isn't it's nasty.
8. People who say "i hate my parents"
9. People who only hang out with "friends" when they're stoned or drunk. a.k.a. fake friendships
10. Kids who disrespect adults.
11. Kids who don't care about their grades.
12. People who say they're too tough to cry.
13. People who make everything more dramatic then it has to be.
14. Kids who get a college degree equivalent to majoring in puppetry or underwater basket weaving.
15. Drinking as someones main activity.
16. People who need to drink to be themselves and have a good time.
17. People who don't take anything serious.
List Two: Things I Worry About
1. If I'm doing my best at everything I do.
2. If I mean as much to people as they mean to me.
3. If I take things too seriously.
4. If I put myself out there too much.
5. If my family is proud of me.
6. If I'm doing the right things.
7. If I'm living by the very things I preach.
8. If I'm making an impact on someone's life.
9. If I'm as good as him...
Sorry for all that. Just a lot going through my head recently. Feeling good now. Happier blogs to follow. Pinky promise.
NP: Soundtrack to My Life- Kid Cudi
People People
Christmas time is an awesome time of year. It's a time that really brings out people's true colors. I enjoy seeing who the really good people are in my life.
On my trip to Minnesota I have been lucky enough to stay with an amazing family. Andy, Kelly, Colton, Alea, and Aubree have taken me in like a part of the family and it has been a heartwarming experience. They got me a Christmas present yesterday for the Christmas party, and Mr. Lagnese refused to take my $150 that I owed him for changing my flight after he found out my dad was unemployed. These people are good people. I hope to stay in touch with them and maybe come visit again some day. Aubree and Alea are two of the cutest little girls in the world. Colton is by far one of the craziest. Mr. and Mrs. Lagnese hold the family together and they are just truly nice people. I couldn't have asked for a better family to be a part of for six days. They've truly made me feel like a part of the family.
Aside from this great family I'm finding other people in my life who are proving to be good people. Recently I've found people who like me for who I am. Those are the best kind of people. It helps when you want the same things as these people, and it is even better when these people truly care about you. With my grandmother passing I received texts and Facebook messages saying how sorry people were. Thank you to those people.
All I know is that I am excited for Christmas as for giving presents, not receiving them.(okay so I still want to receive some too) But I have what may be the best Christmas present in store for someone I really care about. I hope they like it :$ I think they will though.
I'm also excited because this year I don't know everything my mom is getting me. Christmas surprises are the best. I'm ready to open some presents this year and not know what they are just from the size of the box. Well it's time to get ready for church.
Until next time. Mean something to someone, it really is the greatest feeling in the world.
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
-Mark Twain
NP: Jenny- The Killers
On my trip to Minnesota I have been lucky enough to stay with an amazing family. Andy, Kelly, Colton, Alea, and Aubree have taken me in like a part of the family and it has been a heartwarming experience. They got me a Christmas present yesterday for the Christmas party, and Mr. Lagnese refused to take my $150 that I owed him for changing my flight after he found out my dad was unemployed. These people are good people. I hope to stay in touch with them and maybe come visit again some day. Aubree and Alea are two of the cutest little girls in the world. Colton is by far one of the craziest. Mr. and Mrs. Lagnese hold the family together and they are just truly nice people. I couldn't have asked for a better family to be a part of for six days. They've truly made me feel like a part of the family.
Aside from this great family I'm finding other people in my life who are proving to be good people. Recently I've found people who like me for who I am. Those are the best kind of people. It helps when you want the same things as these people, and it is even better when these people truly care about you. With my grandmother passing I received texts and Facebook messages saying how sorry people were. Thank you to those people.
All I know is that I am excited for Christmas as for giving presents, not receiving them.(okay so I still want to receive some too) But I have what may be the best Christmas present in store for someone I really care about. I hope they like it :$ I think they will though.
I'm also excited because this year I don't know everything my mom is getting me. Christmas surprises are the best. I'm ready to open some presents this year and not know what they are just from the size of the box. Well it's time to get ready for church.
Until next time. Mean something to someone, it really is the greatest feeling in the world.
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
-Mark Twain
NP: Jenny- The Killers
Friday, December 16, 2011
My Life
Well today was shaping up to be a great day. Which it was a great day, but even great days have dark spots. After skiing with Moose and his family for three hours I came back to my phone and saw a message from my mom that simply read "Call Me."
My first thoughts were that something happened with my Christmas list, but boy oh boy was I wrong.
The truth was that my grandmother died. Sometime today she had a heart attack. The doctors tried to work on her, but she was gone.
The first thing I asked was how my dad was. My mom said that he was doing well, and even after talking to him I could tell he was. He's a strong guy, I guess I get my hardened exterior from him. He told me not to worry, that she was in a better place and that she hasn't been healthy for a long time. Which is true, she had been sick for a long time.
It hasn't hit me yet that in 9 days I won't see my grandmother on Christmas. It also hasn't hit me that she's really gone forever.
The funny thing is that my grandmother recently created a Facebook and added me as a friend, the horrrible thing is that I never responded to her friend request. How selfish am I? A person I love, I can't even accept her friend request on Facebook. I want to go on and accept it now. But is it too little too late? How could I be that selfish? It makes me sick.
I hope that Grammy realizes that I love her. No matter what joking my dad and I do about her we both love her. Now I'm hoping I make it back in time for her funeral. The horrible thing is that I know when i look into the casket the face I see won't seem like the one I'm used to. She'll be all done up and that wasn't Grammy. She was never done up. She was full of life. She made bad decisions, drank herself into oblivion, and led an unhealthy life. But that's what she did. That was her. She loved her family to death.
I'm gonna miss my grandmother. When it hits me, there will be crying, lots of crying. But I'll be okay. I always am.
NP: Cancer- My Chemical Romance
My first thoughts were that something happened with my Christmas list, but boy oh boy was I wrong.
The truth was that my grandmother died. Sometime today she had a heart attack. The doctors tried to work on her, but she was gone.
The first thing I asked was how my dad was. My mom said that he was doing well, and even after talking to him I could tell he was. He's a strong guy, I guess I get my hardened exterior from him. He told me not to worry, that she was in a better place and that she hasn't been healthy for a long time. Which is true, she had been sick for a long time.
It hasn't hit me yet that in 9 days I won't see my grandmother on Christmas. It also hasn't hit me that she's really gone forever.
The funny thing is that my grandmother recently created a Facebook and added me as a friend, the horrrible thing is that I never responded to her friend request. How selfish am I? A person I love, I can't even accept her friend request on Facebook. I want to go on and accept it now. But is it too little too late? How could I be that selfish? It makes me sick.
I hope that Grammy realizes that I love her. No matter what joking my dad and I do about her we both love her. Now I'm hoping I make it back in time for her funeral. The horrible thing is that I know when i look into the casket the face I see won't seem like the one I'm used to. She'll be all done up and that wasn't Grammy. She was never done up. She was full of life. She made bad decisions, drank herself into oblivion, and led an unhealthy life. But that's what she did. That was her. She loved her family to death.
I'm gonna miss my grandmother. When it hits me, there will be crying, lots of crying. But I'll be okay. I always am.
NP: Cancer- My Chemical Romance
Minnesota Thus Far
Didn't get to post last night because I was bust getting settled in with Moose's dad and half family in Minnesota. We flew in on a plane that was too small for us to fit on but we watched Hall Pass which was hilarious. We drove from the airport to the Lagnese's house which took about an hour and a half. After the rest of the family got home Alea, Aubree, and Colton jumped on Ryan. It was a cute sight to see. Those three little kids love him to death.
We stayed up playing Wii with Colton, which he whooped us at, and then watched Hall Pass again with Mr. Lagnese before bed. Moose and I got bunk beds, and I got the top bunk for the first time in my life. We slept until 10 o'clock which was a good 11 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that much in a long long time.
After we got out of bed we went out on the quads and rode around before we went to Alea's graduation from K.I.D.S which is basically their school's form of D.A.R.E. It was cute going to her school, sitting with Moose's family and watching Alea graduate.
I'm realizing you should admire the little things in life because when it comes down to it, life is made up of all little things.
We went back out on the quads after that and rode around with Aubree, Alea, and Mr. Lagnese. It was a fun time, and so far I've been having a great time in Minnesota. I'm getting mentally prepared for some serious tubing tonight, and then tomorrow night.... a Christmas party. Should be fun.
Keeping busy is helping me neglect the fact I haven't done any Christmas shopping... But I plan on going when I get back. I have five people I need to buy things for.
Can't wait to get back and make some Christmas cookies with my mom. But until then I'm going to enjoy my time by the Mississippi.
NP: Jingle Bell Rock-Selected by my two adopted sisters, Alea and Aubree
We stayed up playing Wii with Colton, which he whooped us at, and then watched Hall Pass again with Mr. Lagnese before bed. Moose and I got bunk beds, and I got the top bunk for the first time in my life. We slept until 10 o'clock which was a good 11 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that much in a long long time.
After we got out of bed we went out on the quads and rode around before we went to Alea's graduation from K.I.D.S which is basically their school's form of D.A.R.E. It was cute going to her school, sitting with Moose's family and watching Alea graduate.
I'm realizing you should admire the little things in life because when it comes down to it, life is made up of all little things.
We went back out on the quads after that and rode around with Aubree, Alea, and Mr. Lagnese. It was a fun time, and so far I've been having a great time in Minnesota. I'm getting mentally prepared for some serious tubing tonight, and then tomorrow night.... a Christmas party. Should be fun.
Keeping busy is helping me neglect the fact I haven't done any Christmas shopping... But I plan on going when I get back. I have five people I need to buy things for.
Can't wait to get back and make some Christmas cookies with my mom. But until then I'm going to enjoy my time by the Mississippi.
NP: Jingle Bell Rock-Selected by my two adopted sisters, Alea and Aubree
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Acceptance:The Self Kind
Accepting things can be a tough thing to do. My most recent thought (a few minutes ago to be exact) was about accepting myself, and the person I am.
I have to say that I like the person I am today. I've never had a problem with who I am and I don't think I ever will. I firmly believe that I have a good set of morals and a big heart. I like to think that everyone would like me for who I am and what I stand for, but that is unrealistic.
I know though, that when I find those people who do like what I stand for, that I have a spot reserved for them in my life. If someone likes me for who I am and wants to make me a priority in their life, then they damn well deserve me to reciprocate that.
That's something worth noting as well. One's ability not only to give out love, but their ability to receive it as well. I know I have a lot of love to give out, but i question whether or not I know how to take it in. I feel loved, by my friends and family. And I hope that they feel loved by me. I also hope they love what I am, and they accept me for who I am.
As horrible as those "to be honest" things are on Facebook I'm going to do one now for myself. And I will tell you all, who I, Thomas Patrick Forse, really am.
to be honest I am a caring guy who loves to mess around, getting a laugh out of someone makes me feel good and seeing that I have hurt someone kills me. I don't need alcohol or drugs to have a good time, rather I need my basement, my friends, and some Nerf guns. My friends and i have more inside jokes than I care to explain, and most of them are raunchy things that should never be explained to a person outside our group of friends. My mom means the world to me and I hope I mean the same to her. As much as I torment my sister I love her to death, even though I want to play the stereotypical big brother role and punch her suitors in the face I instead let her learn on her own. I like seeing her grow up and become a young lady(i realize for her it is a slow process) I also love my dad with all my heart, and while he might not say I love you as much as I'd like I know that he loves me. I enjoy meeting new people and i enjoy being happy. I enjoy making others happy more than anything. I procrastinate, I get good grades, i hope to get into Fordham, and I hope to one day move to NYC. I admire my cousins. I admire my grandfather. I'm also a damn good listener, and one of the least judgmental people in the world. I say rude things, but I rarely mean them. I'm progressively getting happier and am ready for change. that's who I am.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
-E.E. Cummings
NP: With You- Chris Brown
I have to say that I like the person I am today. I've never had a problem with who I am and I don't think I ever will. I firmly believe that I have a good set of morals and a big heart. I like to think that everyone would like me for who I am and what I stand for, but that is unrealistic.
I know though, that when I find those people who do like what I stand for, that I have a spot reserved for them in my life. If someone likes me for who I am and wants to make me a priority in their life, then they damn well deserve me to reciprocate that.
That's something worth noting as well. One's ability not only to give out love, but their ability to receive it as well. I know I have a lot of love to give out, but i question whether or not I know how to take it in. I feel loved, by my friends and family. And I hope that they feel loved by me. I also hope they love what I am, and they accept me for who I am.
As horrible as those "to be honest" things are on Facebook I'm going to do one now for myself. And I will tell you all, who I, Thomas Patrick Forse, really am.
to be honest I am a caring guy who loves to mess around, getting a laugh out of someone makes me feel good and seeing that I have hurt someone kills me. I don't need alcohol or drugs to have a good time, rather I need my basement, my friends, and some Nerf guns. My friends and i have more inside jokes than I care to explain, and most of them are raunchy things that should never be explained to a person outside our group of friends. My mom means the world to me and I hope I mean the same to her. As much as I torment my sister I love her to death, even though I want to play the stereotypical big brother role and punch her suitors in the face I instead let her learn on her own. I like seeing her grow up and become a young lady(i realize for her it is a slow process) I also love my dad with all my heart, and while he might not say I love you as much as I'd like I know that he loves me. I enjoy meeting new people and i enjoy being happy. I enjoy making others happy more than anything. I procrastinate, I get good grades, i hope to get into Fordham, and I hope to one day move to NYC. I admire my cousins. I admire my grandfather. I'm also a damn good listener, and one of the least judgmental people in the world. I say rude things, but I rarely mean them. I'm progressively getting happier and am ready for change. that's who I am.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
-E.E. Cummings
NP: With You- Chris Brown
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
All this... this blogging stuff.
Blogging is really becoming part of my daily routine. I'm finding it helps me get through my day, and today in English I was told by Erin Rodgers that it has become a part of her day. That literally made my day. The fact that something as minute as blogging can be a part of someone else's daily routine shows that this thing does mean something. Other people have approached me and said they like my blog as well. It's a good feeling knowing other people appreciate what you're doing, and that they recognize you.
That brings me to the topic of tonight. Pleasing others.
This is a sensitive subject for me because I firmly believe you should live for yourself, and that you shouldn't worry what others think of you. However, I also feel like there is no better feeling than making someone else happy. Being the sole reason for someone's happiness is something I try to be for people. I will put myself out there and try to make someone happy. And while it works sometimes, other times it doesn't and I'm left wondering what more I could have done.
I realize that sometimes you aren't what someone is looking for and that you can't change people's minds, but I never seem to believe that. I like to think that if I put my all into it that I can make anybody happy.
Making someone happy and being the reason someone is happy is slightly different in my eyes too. You can make someone happy by cracking a joke or doing something nice, but being the reason someone is happy, to me, is something more. It's like them having you in their life has made their day that much better. Or that you being there for them was enough for them. That they didn't need anything or anyone else.
I feel like maybe that's a constant struggle a lot of us face. We want to be someone's "everything"
That sounds like something from a movie but I truly believe it.
Anyway....
Here's a list of things I am thankful for in my life right now.
1. Family.
2. Friends.
3. My health.
4. The Polar Express.
5. The thought of believing in Santa again.
6. Friends again.
7. This blog.
That's all for tonight. I also am going to be making a New Years Resolution this year. Pretty cool idea, kinda stoked for it. Thank you all for reading. Trust me, it means a lot to me.
"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
That brings me to the topic of tonight. Pleasing others.
This is a sensitive subject for me because I firmly believe you should live for yourself, and that you shouldn't worry what others think of you. However, I also feel like there is no better feeling than making someone else happy. Being the sole reason for someone's happiness is something I try to be for people. I will put myself out there and try to make someone happy. And while it works sometimes, other times it doesn't and I'm left wondering what more I could have done.
I realize that sometimes you aren't what someone is looking for and that you can't change people's minds, but I never seem to believe that. I like to think that if I put my all into it that I can make anybody happy.
Making someone happy and being the reason someone is happy is slightly different in my eyes too. You can make someone happy by cracking a joke or doing something nice, but being the reason someone is happy, to me, is something more. It's like them having you in their life has made their day that much better. Or that you being there for them was enough for them. That they didn't need anything or anyone else.
I feel like maybe that's a constant struggle a lot of us face. We want to be someone's "everything"
That sounds like something from a movie but I truly believe it.
Anyway....
Here's a list of things I am thankful for in my life right now.
1. Family.
2. Friends.
3. My health.
4. The Polar Express.
5. The thought of believing in Santa again.
6. Friends again.
7. This blog.
That's all for tonight. I also am going to be making a New Years Resolution this year. Pretty cool idea, kinda stoked for it. Thank you all for reading. Trust me, it means a lot to me.
"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
-Ronald Reagan
NP: Time after Time- Cyndi Lauper
Monday, December 12, 2011
My Favorite Woman: A Memoir
The following is the revision of my memoir...
NP: Over My Head- The Fray
“Nanny Days,” I know it sounds like some kind of television show or maybe some sitcom, but when I was young that was my Wednesday. Each and every Wednesday my grandmother, one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, would pull up to our house and her and I would hang out while my parents were at work. We would do anything and everything we could in those seven or eight hours that they were gone.
If I had to pick a time that stood out to me the most it would be a night where we stayed at my grandparents house in Kennedy Township. Herbst Road is a road I will never forget. The house was modest, the people who lived in it were even more modest, but the love that I have for what happened in that house and the memories of that house are anything but modest.
That night was a night my grandmother and I decided to have a movie night. We drove to the Giant Eagle in Kennedy and bought Mulan on VHS. We proceeded to buy all the sundae essentials, chocolate syrup, ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and whatever else we could fit into a little basket. We bought it all and headed back to Herbst Road. I remember creating a glorious sundae, and I remember sitting on the couch next to my favorite lady in the world and watching what remains to this day to be one of my favorite Disney movies. That’s how I remember Nan. She was a simple woman, a beautiful woman, and a caring woman.
The kitchen table at Herbst Road was glass and you could see right through it so when we would play go fish I would drop my cards on the floor on purpose to look at her cards that she laid flat on the tale. She knew what I was doing, I thought she didn’t but she did, and she never once called me on it. That’s just the way it was.
She and my grandfather were the best together. He loved her so much and she matched his love. I only heard the two argue once in all the time I knew them… It was a night I spent over their house and their fight, ironically enough, was over a can of mousse. That was it, mousse for your hair.
Nanny days were a great time in my life, a time I won’t forget. I can’t remember what we did those days except for something that I haven’t done since I was probably six years old. We played marbles. Nan would lay down a piece of yarn she had tied into a circle and we would play marbles. I remember that fondly. I don’t remember who won or lost, but I can remember sitting on the ground with her trying to knock her marbles out of the circle. Knowing Nan, she probably let me win.
My Nan passed away a little over ten years ago. I miss her dearly, but what I love is that most times I sit down to write a paper in class or at home I always have the urge to write about her. She meant so much to me and was only with me the first seven years of my life. If someone can have that profound an effect on me I feel like I should pay them homage. I was hurt so bad when my Nan died. I cried for a long time the day I found out she was dead. I had come down the stairs to find my mom crying on the couch and knew something was wrong. It wasn't until I got to high school that I realized how much I miss her. I do miss her dearly.
Jacqueline Spine, my Nan, was the greatest woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I don’t think that until I find someone as great as her I will ever play marbles again.
That was our thing, and someone pretty special would have to come along for me to let them in on it. I hope that Nan’s looking down on me saying she’s proud of me because that’s all I want. I want her approval. I was so young she when she died that she never got to see me play sports or excel in school, but I know that she has seen it all. It’s just hard whenever you can’t ask, “Hey Nan, did you see that?”
I preach about living life with no regrets, but I do have one. I always say that I don’t but I do. I regret the fact that I haven’t gone to see my grandmother’s grave in over three years. I think I’m going to make that trip soon, anybody willing to take me?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Friends on Friends on Friends
Friends are truly the greatest gift you can have. You can't beat having a group of people you care about more than you care about yourself. I have several groups of friends.
I have my "school friends" who I love to death. I never really hang with these friends outside of school. I wish I did, but we all are so different it's hard to find commonplace on what to do and it's even harder to find a time that fits everyone's busy schedule. These friends have my back and they have mine, no matter how different our ideas of fun are we all generally like the same things.
I also have my best friends. These are the four guys I trust more than anyone else in my life, besides family of course. The four know who they are, and they know that I would do anything for them. the five of us hang out all the time and we never stop laughing when we're together. Our plan for senior trip is to go visit out best foreign friend, Moritz. If this plan follows through there is potential that it will be the best week of my life.
Of those four best friends, three of them are a part of the original group. I feel comfortable mentioning them. Dave, Ty, and Jared are my best friends in the world. The four of us are thick as thieves. I wish I had something bad to say about any of them but i really don't. They each obviously have their flaws, as I have mine, but overall they are three of the best guys I have ever met. I know that no matter where life takes us, we will remain best friends. We've had some of the funniest sleepovers and things have happened at aforementioned sleepovers that I care not to share.
Basically I love my friends to death.
"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
NP: Lean on Me- Bill Withers
I have my "school friends" who I love to death. I never really hang with these friends outside of school. I wish I did, but we all are so different it's hard to find commonplace on what to do and it's even harder to find a time that fits everyone's busy schedule. These friends have my back and they have mine, no matter how different our ideas of fun are we all generally like the same things.
I also have my best friends. These are the four guys I trust more than anyone else in my life, besides family of course. The four know who they are, and they know that I would do anything for them. the five of us hang out all the time and we never stop laughing when we're together. Our plan for senior trip is to go visit out best foreign friend, Moritz. If this plan follows through there is potential that it will be the best week of my life.
Of those four best friends, three of them are a part of the original group. I feel comfortable mentioning them. Dave, Ty, and Jared are my best friends in the world. The four of us are thick as thieves. I wish I had something bad to say about any of them but i really don't. They each obviously have their flaws, as I have mine, but overall they are three of the best guys I have ever met. I know that no matter where life takes us, we will remain best friends. We've had some of the funniest sleepovers and things have happened at aforementioned sleepovers that I care not to share.
Basically I love my friends to death.
"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
NP: Lean on Me- Bill Withers
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A Good Day
Today was a good day, a chill day. That's all. Heading over to Graz's house for the night. Maybe some church in the morning. Then shopping with mother dearest.
Haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm blessed to have the kind of friends I do. Loving what's in front of me. Life.
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
-Henry Adams
NP: Good Life- Kanye West
Haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm blessed to have the kind of friends I do. Loving what's in front of me. Life.
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
-Henry Adams
NP: Good Life- Kanye West
Friday, December 9, 2011
always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it...
The Thrill by Wiz Khalifa, great song. Seriously though. How true are those lyrics?
We are constantly searching for the thrills in life. We push uphill everyday towards something we want. We have setbacks but we fight for what we want. We fight harder and harder until we get what we want. Sometimes what we want we simply can't have and those are the times we can nod our heads and move on because some things in life aren't meant to be.
But the thing for me is that I can't move on until I've exhausted all possibilities of something happening. I'm going to work for it and work for it. Maybe some people will think I'm crazy for spending the time and effort on it, but I wouldn't have started for it in the first place if I didn't think it was worth my time.
Preaching a life with no regret and giving things your all is a tough job. I constantly question myself and ask if I'm really abiding by my own rules.
I think I do. I think I'm a hard worker who knows that nothing in this world is going to be given to you, you have to go out there and take it. There is also a lot I don't know. I have a "thirst for knowledge" and I always want to know more. Maybe that makes me a nosy person or maybe it shows some sort of dedication. Maybe this is just me over-analyzing a simple thing in life that has no real impact and should just be skipped over, but maybe not.
Sometimes I wonder why I wonder... Here's a poem I wrote about that very thought. Hope you like it...
I wonder...
If I'm right
and they're wrong
If she realizes how I feel,
or if she even wants to realize.
How it will end,
or if it will end.
How life can be so difficult
when you want it to be so simple.
Why bad things happen to good people,
and why good people let themselves be treated badly.
Why I let things go,
when they need to be addressed.
Where I will be in four years time,
and if I will have done my best.
Where my friends will be and how true they'll stay,
when life takes us our separate ways.
But more than anything I wonder...
why do I wonder?
Wrote that about three weeks ago. I think I have around 25 other poems I have written since high school started. Maybe I should go to school for writing not accounting. Seriously thinking about it. But I have kept you all for too long. I'll leave you with a quote and a song.
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
- Earl Nightingale
- Earl Nightingale
NP: Don't Give Up- Eagle Eye Cherry
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Kickin it Old School
I'm a firm believer in living life with no regrets. However, I do wish sometimes that I could go back in time. Not because i regret the decisions I made, but because looking back there was more I could have done.
Oh how I wonder what life would be like if I could go back and relive my first three years of high school over again. There was so much I didn't know about and so much I did know about that I didn't look in to. Maybe i would do some things I didn't do before, maybe not. I think the main reason I would like to go back is because knowing what I know now I would appreciate how simple life was back then. Life nowadays is too complicated, and I feel like I get caught up in the daily routine and never just sit back and look at what's happening.
But then again, the choices i made back then have shaped me into who I am now, and I'm not looking for any kind of Butterfly Effect type thing to happen to me. So I think I'll accept where I am in life now, tip my hat to the old me, and keep on keeping on.
I think I'm gonna start putting a quote along with my NP at the end of each blog. Just a new addition, maybe it'll stick.
While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live for the future.
-Ronald Reagan
NP: Yesterday- the Beatles
Oh how I wonder what life would be like if I could go back and relive my first three years of high school over again. There was so much I didn't know about and so much I did know about that I didn't look in to. Maybe i would do some things I didn't do before, maybe not. I think the main reason I would like to go back is because knowing what I know now I would appreciate how simple life was back then. Life nowadays is too complicated, and I feel like I get caught up in the daily routine and never just sit back and look at what's happening.
But then again, the choices i made back then have shaped me into who I am now, and I'm not looking for any kind of Butterfly Effect type thing to happen to me. So I think I'll accept where I am in life now, tip my hat to the old me, and keep on keeping on.
I think I'm gonna start putting a quote along with my NP at the end of each blog. Just a new addition, maybe it'll stick.
While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live for the future.
-Ronald Reagan
NP: Yesterday- the Beatles
The Denk Tank: Pike River Mine
The Denk Tank: Pike River Mine: Late October, 2005. The remaining students vacated Rockwell and left the halls an eerie, desolate place. All but a handful of permanent ...
Mr. Denk's blog today was a great read. You can read it for yourself, but basically it was about an experience he had with some friends and how he since lost one of those friends. It's the kind of tragedy you hear about on the news but it doesn't strike you all those affected by what happens. There were 29 people killed in the Pike river Mine disaster but there were hundreds of lives affected. Not just family members and loved ones, but friends of friends and friends that you might not see every day but that you know are there. This inspired to really consider studying abroad and to live life to it's fullest. Life is too short to miss out on something like that. It also has made me realize how amazing friends are. Stay close to your friends, don't let them slip away, because the day they are actually gone is the day you will regret it the most.
Live life and love.
Mr. Denk's blog today was a great read. You can read it for yourself, but basically it was about an experience he had with some friends and how he since lost one of those friends. It's the kind of tragedy you hear about on the news but it doesn't strike you all those affected by what happens. There were 29 people killed in the Pike river Mine disaster but there were hundreds of lives affected. Not just family members and loved ones, but friends of friends and friends that you might not see every day but that you know are there. This inspired to really consider studying abroad and to live life to it's fullest. Life is too short to miss out on something like that. It also has made me realize how amazing friends are. Stay close to your friends, don't let them slip away, because the day they are actually gone is the day you will regret it the most.
Live life and love.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
At this point in my life
I am happy. I am healthy. I am surrounded by good people. But I feel like I'm missing something. I could really use some spirituality. Church never really bothered me and while sometimes I question the religion, I do believe in a higher power. Coach Palks preaches about getting to church and I think It's time I isten. I remember when I was little I didn't want to go to church and i'd hide in the living room in the same spot every Sunday and i would cover my head with the same turtle pillow. Now I am looking to get to church. That may be my only regret about not having my drivers license. i really wish I could just wake up early on Sunday and go to 7:30 mass. it would also give me an excuse to dress up which is a bonus.
Beside my lack of spirituality right now I would say I am in a good place. School is going well, work is going as well as it can, my friends are by my side, and I'm just overall very happy. Haven't said that in a while but I am. I still worry from time to time about certain things, but I don't let them bring me down. Since I was away at Thanksgiving I've had certain sayings i tell myself I'm going to live by. I think I will share them with you all. Hey if they help one of you then this blog has done it's job.
1. Do not, under any circumstances live life with regret.
2. Tell it exactly how it is, forget hurting feelings, say what you need to say.
3. Don't forget where you came from, or who you are.
4. Hold nothing back.
5. If you want something, pursue it. Don't wait around for it to come to you.
6. Stick up for yourself, even if you have to fight for it, never settle for less than you deserve.
7. Push yourself to your physical limits. No matter how bad it hurts, keep going.
8. Let people know how you feel about them.
9. Don't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone and do something crazy, within reason of course.
10. Love endlessly.
11. (As cliche as this is) Dance. seriously wish I was good at dancing because I love it.
12. Look, act, and just be classy.
The last one is one of my favorites. I just love thinking of myself as a classy person. One day, I will own a smoking jacket, i don't plan on smoking, but I'll be damned if i don't own a smoking jacket at some point in my life. Also, as classless as I view drinking right now (not all drinking, but the high school party scene kind) I have to admit that James Bond looks pretty slick ordering a martini. I know that if at any point i order a martini, that thing is definitely going to be shaken not stirred.
Rambling. A good sign.
Goodnight world
Love Always, Clark Kent
NP: Superman- Five For Fighting
Beside my lack of spirituality right now I would say I am in a good place. School is going well, work is going as well as it can, my friends are by my side, and I'm just overall very happy. Haven't said that in a while but I am. I still worry from time to time about certain things, but I don't let them bring me down. Since I was away at Thanksgiving I've had certain sayings i tell myself I'm going to live by. I think I will share them with you all. Hey if they help one of you then this blog has done it's job.
1. Do not, under any circumstances live life with regret.
2. Tell it exactly how it is, forget hurting feelings, say what you need to say.
3. Don't forget where you came from, or who you are.
4. Hold nothing back.
5. If you want something, pursue it. Don't wait around for it to come to you.
6. Stick up for yourself, even if you have to fight for it, never settle for less than you deserve.
7. Push yourself to your physical limits. No matter how bad it hurts, keep going.
8. Let people know how you feel about them.
9. Don't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone and do something crazy, within reason of course.
10. Love endlessly.
11. (As cliche as this is) Dance. seriously wish I was good at dancing because I love it.
12. Look, act, and just be classy.
The last one is one of my favorites. I just love thinking of myself as a classy person. One day, I will own a smoking jacket, i don't plan on smoking, but I'll be damned if i don't own a smoking jacket at some point in my life. Also, as classless as I view drinking right now (not all drinking, but the high school party scene kind) I have to admit that James Bond looks pretty slick ordering a martini. I know that if at any point i order a martini, that thing is definitely going to be shaken not stirred.
Rambling. A good sign.
Goodnight world
Love Always, Clark Kent
NP: Superman- Five For Fighting
Accepted
Today I got accepted to Ohio University, which brings the list to five including RMU, Drexel, Pitt, and Duquesne. This is not about getting in to colleges though. It's about the feeling you get from being accepted, or being wanted. Each time i open a letter from a college and see that i am accepted I feel good. There is something about someone or something wanting to have you.
Colleges wanting you is one thing, talking about people wanting you is a whole other ball game. hell, getting into college is easier than finding someone who truly shows they want you or that they accept you. That's what I'm searching for now in my life, acceptance. I want people to accept me for who I am and what I am. If you don't like me and you don't accept what I'm about there are plenty of other people out there so move on. I like to think I'm a pretty likable guy though. I appeal to the masses in my opinion, but hey my opinion isn't always right. Just most of the time.
NP: Homecoming- Kanye West
Colleges wanting you is one thing, talking about people wanting you is a whole other ball game. hell, getting into college is easier than finding someone who truly shows they want you or that they accept you. That's what I'm searching for now in my life, acceptance. I want people to accept me for who I am and what I am. If you don't like me and you don't accept what I'm about there are plenty of other people out there so move on. I like to think I'm a pretty likable guy though. I appeal to the masses in my opinion, but hey my opinion isn't always right. Just most of the time.
NP: Homecoming- Kanye West
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Searching
I find myself searching for things constantly. Searching for explanations and just searching for my wallet. I think the human race is a race built on searching. Searching for newer, faster technology and for cures to diseases that plague the world.
More often than not i find myself searching for... well myself. I try to pinpoint who I am and what I'm all about. And the truth is, I don't know. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head most days and I like having people there to talk to about it. When I'm not busy searching my own mind i like to search other people's minds. I like seeing what makes someone tick, I like pushing their buttons to see how far they can be pushed, and more than anything i like to ask people questions and really find out things about them. People are interesting to say the least. The best is when you find something out about someone and it is something you had no idea they felt.
The best feeling in the world to find out about someone is to find out that you are loved. Being loved is something everybody wants. Saying you don't need love is like saying you don't need air. Knowing that someone is thinking about you is an awesome feeling. And thinking about someone can be almost as awesome. The worst feeling, in my professional opinion however, is feeling one way and not knowing whether what you feel is the right way to feel. I tend to put myself out there to people and maybe it has hurt me and maybe one day it will hurt me even more, but that's what I do. I enjoy letting people know how i feel and if that means leaving myself open to being hurt, then try and hurt me.
I find that the only things I can hide from people is when I am hurting. I have, over the years, mastered the art of stowing away any pain I feel to the point where when I do let it out I'm a wreck. Not gonna lie, when I cry I sob. I hyperventilate and all kinds of crazy shit happens. I rarely cry though, not saying I am too tough to cry because i'm far from it. I'll cry if I'm sad, I'll smile if I'm happy, and I'll laugh if something's funny. The only time i won't show you how i feel is if I'm afraid that it will make me seem weak. I hate the idea of being weak. I guess i don't view crying as a weakness because I know that there are people places in the world who have shed all the tears they can for a lifetime. People who have seen things I hope i never have to see. They weren't weak because they cried, and I'm not weak if I cry.
Well this blog went from searching to crying, gotta love that. Well to all my avid readers, I want to say I love you. And I want to remind you that you are never too old to tell that to someone you love, whether it's a grandparent, brother, sister, or just a friend. I love yous never go out of style. Trust me, I would know, I'm a fashionable guy.
NP: Unwell- Matchbox Twenty
Monday, December 5, 2011
sorry i missed you
Didn't get a good blog out last night and I had wanted to. (Mom shut off the computer and told me she wouldn't make me breakfast if I went back on) I figured eating this morning was slightly more important than blogging last night. So here I am today. Today was a decent day, Model European Union sucked bad. I contemplated doing bodily harm just to leave the room, but i abstained, like i did from most voting procedures as well because i didn't know jack about any of the topics at hand. On the bright side I was among friends, except this really snotty, annoying girl who represented the UK.
After EU i was fortunate enough to go to the Pens game with my grandfather, grandmother, and my lovely sister Jenny. The Pens didn't play well, but it was fun sitting there listening to my Grandfather tell me stories about the old times in hockey. I could sit down and talk to my grandpa for hours on end and never once wish I was anywhere else. He is a truly inspiring man. A man i look up to more than anyone else in the world.
Didn't plan on my blog turning to my grandpa but it seems that's the way my mind is wandering so who am I to try and stop it?
Plain and simple my grandfather came from nothing and is today a very very successful man. He earned a full scholarship to Pitt for caddying(trust me I didn't know they did that either) And from there he worked his way all the way up through US Steel, the highlight of his career being that he was the youngest vice president of any branch of US Steel. More than what he did in his job is what he has done for my family. He set my uncle up his own finance company, which he, along with some of his wealthy friends, invest in and do extremely well with. He helped my mom while my dad went to rehab and he helps out anyone when money is tight. My grandpa is much more than just a bailout though, he's a loving person. He's a cultured person. And, I believe, he is a happy person. I want nothing more in my life than to be the third. I hope to one day mean as much to somebody as he means to me.
Recently I've began to feel a little happier. Maybe it's having a job to spend some time at, or maybe it's just me choosing to be happy. It's probably the second because who really likes their job?? Well whatever it is in my life that's making me happy I hope it stays. Life is good. And all is quiet on the western front. (Mrs. Burnett reference anyone?)
NP: 100 Years- Five for Fighting
After EU i was fortunate enough to go to the Pens game with my grandfather, grandmother, and my lovely sister Jenny. The Pens didn't play well, but it was fun sitting there listening to my Grandfather tell me stories about the old times in hockey. I could sit down and talk to my grandpa for hours on end and never once wish I was anywhere else. He is a truly inspiring man. A man i look up to more than anyone else in the world.
Didn't plan on my blog turning to my grandpa but it seems that's the way my mind is wandering so who am I to try and stop it?
Plain and simple my grandfather came from nothing and is today a very very successful man. He earned a full scholarship to Pitt for caddying(trust me I didn't know they did that either) And from there he worked his way all the way up through US Steel, the highlight of his career being that he was the youngest vice president of any branch of US Steel. More than what he did in his job is what he has done for my family. He set my uncle up his own finance company, which he, along with some of his wealthy friends, invest in and do extremely well with. He helped my mom while my dad went to rehab and he helps out anyone when money is tight. My grandpa is much more than just a bailout though, he's a loving person. He's a cultured person. And, I believe, he is a happy person. I want nothing more in my life than to be the third. I hope to one day mean as much to somebody as he means to me.
Recently I've began to feel a little happier. Maybe it's having a job to spend some time at, or maybe it's just me choosing to be happy. It's probably the second because who really likes their job?? Well whatever it is in my life that's making me happy I hope it stays. Life is good. And all is quiet on the western front. (Mrs. Burnett reference anyone?)
NP: 100 Years- Five for Fighting
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Kicking
Today I went to yet another Kohl's Kicking Camp, a showcase camp held at The University of Pittsburgh's indoor facility. I went into the camp a little sore and a little unsure. My quad began feeling a little sore after practicing a couple days ago up at the high school. The camp started out okay, I punted pretty well and then went on to kick offs. Kick offs pretty much demolished my quad. It went from being sore to just totally pulled. I felt like quitting but I figured i'd stick it out for field goals. Kicking field goals when your quad is pulled pretty much entails using no rhythm and just trying to kill the ball... needless to say I did poorly and made 3 of 10. I wasn't upset with myself for how I did because I know I did as well as my leg would let me. What sucks is the idea that I know with a healthy leg I could have represented myself better. I blogged before about missed opportunities and I feel like i missed one today.
What's even weirder is the idea that I may never kick again. I could go to college at the D3 level and kick and punt at most colleges. But if I did that I would be settling for less than what I believed I could do. I wanted to kick at the D1AA level at an academically good school. I still think I can go to these schools, but playing football is an uncertainty.
The weird thing is I don't know if I actually like playing football. I like being a part of something bigger than just me, but I don't know if I truly enjoy it. I love the role I have on the team, the role of someone that everyone looks to at a certain point. Sure I might just punt the ball or kick an extra point but I like the fact that beside the holder and snapper it's me against the elements. It's about me being the best I can be. Maybe I do like kicking. Maybe.
All I know is that whatever decision I make about kicking in college, it won't affect the grand scheme of my life. I think I'm going to wait and see what happens. Just take life one day at a time. Hopefully this quad heals quickly and i can get into good shape for baseball because I think we can make a run at it this year.
NP: My Way- Frank Sinatra
What's even weirder is the idea that I may never kick again. I could go to college at the D3 level and kick and punt at most colleges. But if I did that I would be settling for less than what I believed I could do. I wanted to kick at the D1AA level at an academically good school. I still think I can go to these schools, but playing football is an uncertainty.
The weird thing is I don't know if I actually like playing football. I like being a part of something bigger than just me, but I don't know if I truly enjoy it. I love the role I have on the team, the role of someone that everyone looks to at a certain point. Sure I might just punt the ball or kick an extra point but I like the fact that beside the holder and snapper it's me against the elements. It's about me being the best I can be. Maybe I do like kicking. Maybe.
All I know is that whatever decision I make about kicking in college, it won't affect the grand scheme of my life. I think I'm going to wait and see what happens. Just take life one day at a time. Hopefully this quad heals quickly and i can get into good shape for baseball because I think we can make a run at it this year.
NP: My Way- Frank Sinatra
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Just Blah
The title represents how I've been feeling as of late. Kinda blah. I really don't even understand why I've been feeling this way. I tend to be a pretty happy person on the outside, perhaps it is all catching up to me on the inside. The thing is that I have no reason to be anything but happy. I have great friends, great family, a good job, and overall a pretty damn good life. I wish I could just cheer up, but for whatever reason I can't. I feel like there is one thing missing from my life. I wish I knew what exactly that was.
I'm tired of having this negativity in my life though and i really hope to have a more positive outlook in the coming days and weeks. High school is quickly coming to a close and I want to live it up while I can before i move on to a fresh start at college.
I think what bugs me the most about people is that people don't realize something good they have in front of them. They piss around with something else and miss an opportunity. This goes for any part of life, whether it be a person you miss out on, a job, a position on a team, or just a grade in a class. Missed opportunities are a sad part of life. I like to think of myself as an opportunity. An opportunity as a friend or even as something more. All I know is I need a change. What, where, when, or with who that change will occur is a good question. A question to be answered another day.
Last thing. Just something I've been seeing that just eats at me. On both of the other social networking sites I affiliate with (Facebook and Twitter) people complain every weekend that they have nothing to do, or that they are so mad they can't party. "Oh I can't wait to go to college so I can party every weekend." What's annoying is that those people are the same people who call everyone else immature. How can you claim that you can't wait to get to college to be away from immature people whenever you want to go to college just to drink? To me that in and of itself is immature.
I've said enough for tonight though.
NP: Desire-Ryan Adams
I'm tired of having this negativity in my life though and i really hope to have a more positive outlook in the coming days and weeks. High school is quickly coming to a close and I want to live it up while I can before i move on to a fresh start at college.
I think what bugs me the most about people is that people don't realize something good they have in front of them. They piss around with something else and miss an opportunity. This goes for any part of life, whether it be a person you miss out on, a job, a position on a team, or just a grade in a class. Missed opportunities are a sad part of life. I like to think of myself as an opportunity. An opportunity as a friend or even as something more. All I know is I need a change. What, where, when, or with who that change will occur is a good question. A question to be answered another day.
Last thing. Just something I've been seeing that just eats at me. On both of the other social networking sites I affiliate with (Facebook and Twitter) people complain every weekend that they have nothing to do, or that they are so mad they can't party. "Oh I can't wait to go to college so I can party every weekend." What's annoying is that those people are the same people who call everyone else immature. How can you claim that you can't wait to get to college to be away from immature people whenever you want to go to college just to drink? To me that in and of itself is immature.
I've said enough for tonight though.
NP: Desire-Ryan Adams
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
This post is dedicated to people and people only. The title obviously refers to the Clint Eastwood movie, which is a classic by the way. The way I see it is that there are good people, there are bad people, there are ugly people, there are beautiful people, and there are those people caught in between. I, myself, think I fall somewhere in between.
I think that there are two main parts to people: outward appearance and the "inner" person, or the part that actually interacts with people. I'm no saint, I'm a sinner like everyone else, but i'd be lying if I said I thought I was a bad person. I don't think I'm in any sense a great looking person. I find myself to be a decent enough looking guy (In fact last night at work 3 people told me I looked like Clark Kent, not too shabby) And while I do care what I look like, I care a helluva lot more about how people view my morals and my actions. I was born with my looks, but how I act is based solely on the person I have grown to be. I like to think I treat everyone equal and that I'm not judgmental but that wouldn't be honest. I judge people all the time. I just strive to get past my initial judgment and really get to know the person. I do hate people, several in particular, but i love more than I hate. Most people would describe me as funny and a jokester. And let's be honest, that is dead on. But I'm more than just a comedian, I'm serious behind the scenes. I think a lot and I dream a lot. I try to take everything in life seriously. And i'd say that for the most part I do. (Except maybe Model UN, sorry Mr. Quinn.)
Enough about me though. i am but one out of some 7,000,000,000 people in the world. I love expressing my opinions of people, which may lead to me having no friends one day but oh well. As I said earlier people can be good or bad or caught in between. I don't think anybody wakes up in the morning saying 'I want to be a bad person today" then again I could be wrong because we have atrocities like the Holocaust and the Columbine killings. The world is filled with "bad" people but I feel that the good outweigh the bad. we have philanthropists like Bill Gates and then we have those everyday good people, like my mother (love that woman) Beautiful and ugly people are harder for me to talk about. There are plenty of beautiful people out there, beautiful in a sense of looks. And you might expect me to say that many of those "beautiful" people aren't beautiful on the inside, but I won't. I will instead say that they have ulterior motives. There are "ugly" people in the world who do great things. Should we judge people on looks? That's a question I myself have a tough time answering. There usually has to be some physical attraction for someone to have feelings for someone else. (That last statement was very backwards and cliche, but oh well)
In the end most people are beautiful, ugly, good, bad, and caught in between all put together into a hot mess of a person. Or maybe I'm just over-complicating everything? Who knows? Not me obviously. All I know is that everybody out there, in one way or another is beautiful. And don't you ever forget that. I'll leave you with a quote that has inspired me for a long time.... "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."
NP: Princess of China- Coldplay
I think that there are two main parts to people: outward appearance and the "inner" person, or the part that actually interacts with people. I'm no saint, I'm a sinner like everyone else, but i'd be lying if I said I thought I was a bad person. I don't think I'm in any sense a great looking person. I find myself to be a decent enough looking guy (In fact last night at work 3 people told me I looked like Clark Kent, not too shabby) And while I do care what I look like, I care a helluva lot more about how people view my morals and my actions. I was born with my looks, but how I act is based solely on the person I have grown to be. I like to think I treat everyone equal and that I'm not judgmental but that wouldn't be honest. I judge people all the time. I just strive to get past my initial judgment and really get to know the person. I do hate people, several in particular, but i love more than I hate. Most people would describe me as funny and a jokester. And let's be honest, that is dead on. But I'm more than just a comedian, I'm serious behind the scenes. I think a lot and I dream a lot. I try to take everything in life seriously. And i'd say that for the most part I do. (Except maybe Model UN, sorry Mr. Quinn.)
Enough about me though. i am but one out of some 7,000,000,000 people in the world. I love expressing my opinions of people, which may lead to me having no friends one day but oh well. As I said earlier people can be good or bad or caught in between. I don't think anybody wakes up in the morning saying 'I want to be a bad person today" then again I could be wrong because we have atrocities like the Holocaust and the Columbine killings. The world is filled with "bad" people but I feel that the good outweigh the bad. we have philanthropists like Bill Gates and then we have those everyday good people, like my mother (love that woman) Beautiful and ugly people are harder for me to talk about. There are plenty of beautiful people out there, beautiful in a sense of looks. And you might expect me to say that many of those "beautiful" people aren't beautiful on the inside, but I won't. I will instead say that they have ulterior motives. There are "ugly" people in the world who do great things. Should we judge people on looks? That's a question I myself have a tough time answering. There usually has to be some physical attraction for someone to have feelings for someone else. (That last statement was very backwards and cliche, but oh well)
In the end most people are beautiful, ugly, good, bad, and caught in between all put together into a hot mess of a person. Or maybe I'm just over-complicating everything? Who knows? Not me obviously. All I know is that everybody out there, in one way or another is beautiful. And don't you ever forget that. I'll leave you with a quote that has inspired me for a long time.... "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."
NP: Princess of China- Coldplay
Friday, December 2, 2011
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
Okay so it isn't 5 o'clock in the morning by any means. It is actually 12 something. But work today was so long it felt like it was 5 a.m. (Plus the fact I like the T Pain song) Work was rewarding though, I was supposed to get minimum wage because i'm only in training but because I worked hard Jess said i was going to tip out also. BONUS. Maybe i don't deserve that bonus because I only worked as hard as I thought i should, or maybe, just maybe I am an overachiever... probably not though.
Work is awesome so far and i like it way more than my previous jobs because there is hustle and bustle. Basically I am always moving and always interacting with people, which is probably my favorite thing to do. Which begs the question why am I sitting in my den alone, blogging to a cyber community that probably doesn't give a shit what I have to say? The answer to that is because I can.
I could be out partying and what not. But I choose to be at home. I choose what I choose because i am who i am. I'm sure people will say what the want about me and that's fine, i just hope that for every negative remark that is thrown around about me that I am getting two positive ones somewhere else. Then again it doesn't really matter because what people say about me and how people actually treat me are two separate things altogether. "Talk is cheap" is a great cliche, in fact I like most cliches. cliches are used so much because they make so much sense.
Aside from work and my general complaints about people I would like to say that my day was a good one. I got to bowl with some of my best friends and I didn't have to go to school. (Not that I don't like school, quite the opposite I really enjoy it)
Now I can see that I am ranting and it is probably time I got to bed, but before I do, I ask you all one question. I'm sure it has been asked 1,000 times before but i think about it constantly... What is the true meaning of life? What are we here for? What is our purpose? I guess that was several questions but it never hurts to do a little thinking does it? boom another question.
Night blogger.
NP: 5 O'clock in the Morning- T Pain
Work is awesome so far and i like it way more than my previous jobs because there is hustle and bustle. Basically I am always moving and always interacting with people, which is probably my favorite thing to do. Which begs the question why am I sitting in my den alone, blogging to a cyber community that probably doesn't give a shit what I have to say? The answer to that is because I can.
I could be out partying and what not. But I choose to be at home. I choose what I choose because i am who i am. I'm sure people will say what the want about me and that's fine, i just hope that for every negative remark that is thrown around about me that I am getting two positive ones somewhere else. Then again it doesn't really matter because what people say about me and how people actually treat me are two separate things altogether. "Talk is cheap" is a great cliche, in fact I like most cliches. cliches are used so much because they make so much sense.
Aside from work and my general complaints about people I would like to say that my day was a good one. I got to bowl with some of my best friends and I didn't have to go to school. (Not that I don't like school, quite the opposite I really enjoy it)
Now I can see that I am ranting and it is probably time I got to bed, but before I do, I ask you all one question. I'm sure it has been asked 1,000 times before but i think about it constantly... What is the true meaning of life? What are we here for? What is our purpose? I guess that was several questions but it never hurts to do a little thinking does it? boom another question.
Night blogger.
NP: 5 O'clock in the Morning- T Pain
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A Run I took...
While in Hilton Head this past Thanksgiving break I took a nice long run on the beach, and I mentally wrote a poem after the run and after some deep thinking. So I thought I would share it with you all... whoever you are.
Boom, boom boom
boom, boom boom.
My heart beats fast as I run,
but my mind is always faster.
I ache all over, from my head to my toes,
but i know one thing for certain.
When the salt of my sweat
meets the salt of the sea
there is no room for the salt of my tears.
Boom, boom boom
boom, boom boom.
My heart beats fast as I run,
but my mind is always faster.
I ache all over, from my head to my toes,
but i know one thing for certain.
When the salt of my sweat
meets the salt of the sea
there is no room for the salt of my tears.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanks
Thanksgiving is great, people talk about how thankful they are and they eat a shitload of food. What more can you ask for in a holiday? I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life, and I'm thankful for a lot of people in my life.
Starting with family I am thankful for my sister. (Jen if you ever read this you can hold it over my head but i doubt you will.) I am truly thankful for her though, as much as a bitch and complain and take on the overprotective big brother role i am proud of her. I'm also thankful for my mom and dad. For totally separate reasons... My mom is one of the smartest people i know and she has taught me the value of a good vocabulary and how much just reading a book can do for you. My dad is the reason i push myself in sports, I want to make him happy because i know how badly he wants me to excel. I am also thankful that my mom and dad are together and that my dad has given up drinking.
I'm thankful for a lot of other family members also. All my aunts and uncles are amazing and i love them to death for different reasons. The same goes for my cousins. John, Jarrett, Maura, Joey, Emily, even Jack and Charlie. I love them all for various reasons. They have shaped me into who I am today and for that I am thankful.
I also realize how blessed i am to have the friends I do. I guess I kind of have two sets of friends, the friends i hang out with on a daily basis and those who I talk to in school and never hang out with. Sure the two groups have different ideas of fun and different ideas of right and wrong, but I respect both equally. But my best friends are the onesI can have over my house to sleepover who run around in my basement playing NERF. I realize we probably sound like 2nd graders but it's what we do. I wouldn't trade those times for the world. While I'm at it i'd like to say I am thankful for inside jokes because they are the best kind of jokes.
This blog is getting quite long so I will wrap it up by saying i am thankful for those people who make everyday a good day for me. The people who truly care and who take time out of their day to talk to me and just see how I am. Those are the best kind of people. Remember to tell the people you are thankful for that you love them.
NP: Set the Fire to the Third Bar-Snow Patrol
Starting with family I am thankful for my sister. (Jen if you ever read this you can hold it over my head but i doubt you will.) I am truly thankful for her though, as much as a bitch and complain and take on the overprotective big brother role i am proud of her. I'm also thankful for my mom and dad. For totally separate reasons... My mom is one of the smartest people i know and she has taught me the value of a good vocabulary and how much just reading a book can do for you. My dad is the reason i push myself in sports, I want to make him happy because i know how badly he wants me to excel. I am also thankful that my mom and dad are together and that my dad has given up drinking.
I'm thankful for a lot of other family members also. All my aunts and uncles are amazing and i love them to death for different reasons. The same goes for my cousins. John, Jarrett, Maura, Joey, Emily, even Jack and Charlie. I love them all for various reasons. They have shaped me into who I am today and for that I am thankful.
I also realize how blessed i am to have the friends I do. I guess I kind of have two sets of friends, the friends i hang out with on a daily basis and those who I talk to in school and never hang out with. Sure the two groups have different ideas of fun and different ideas of right and wrong, but I respect both equally. But my best friends are the onesI can have over my house to sleepover who run around in my basement playing NERF. I realize we probably sound like 2nd graders but it's what we do. I wouldn't trade those times for the world. While I'm at it i'd like to say I am thankful for inside jokes because they are the best kind of jokes.
This blog is getting quite long so I will wrap it up by saying i am thankful for those people who make everyday a good day for me. The people who truly care and who take time out of their day to talk to me and just see how I am. Those are the best kind of people. Remember to tell the people you are thankful for that you love them.
NP: Set the Fire to the Third Bar-Snow Patrol
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A Run on the Beach
I woke up this morning at 7:30 to run on the beach. (somewhat uncharacteristic of me, but it happened) I figure i ran for about four miles, okay to be honest I ran about 2 and walked the other 2. But what matters isn't the distance I traveled, it's what happened while i ran.
For the first time in a long time I cleared my mind, i thought about everything I needed to think about in that first half mile and for the next 3 and a half my mind was empty. I liked that. I liked not being worried about things. I was able to let my mind wander and i was able to really take in my surroundings. I saw a lot, and i felt a lot.
I saw families with young kids walking together on the beach. I saw what might have been the slowest game of fetch between a woman and her dog. (I actually grabbed the ball and threw it to the lady as I passed by because I saw the dog had other intentions and i thought the woman might never get there)
I did some serious thinking and self evaluating on the walk. i have made several conclusions about myself.
1. i am a thinker, and i think about things others just ignore.
2. i fear weakness, and the thought of being weak drives me.
3. i notice things, things i doubt others care to notice.
4. i like writing, both poetry and my everyday experiences.
5. i have a good family, a very very good family.
6. i have the best group of friends anyone could ask for.
7. as much as i say i don't care what people think, i really do care.
8. i like little kids, sounds creepy, but i miss being young and innocent
If you actualy made it through this post then thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so.
happy thanksgiving everyone
For the first time in a long time I cleared my mind, i thought about everything I needed to think about in that first half mile and for the next 3 and a half my mind was empty. I liked that. I liked not being worried about things. I was able to let my mind wander and i was able to really take in my surroundings. I saw a lot, and i felt a lot.
I saw families with young kids walking together on the beach. I saw what might have been the slowest game of fetch between a woman and her dog. (I actually grabbed the ball and threw it to the lady as I passed by because I saw the dog had other intentions and i thought the woman might never get there)
I did some serious thinking and self evaluating on the walk. i have made several conclusions about myself.
1. i am a thinker, and i think about things others just ignore.
2. i fear weakness, and the thought of being weak drives me.
3. i notice things, things i doubt others care to notice.
4. i like writing, both poetry and my everyday experiences.
5. i have a good family, a very very good family.
6. i have the best group of friends anyone could ask for.
7. as much as i say i don't care what people think, i really do care.
8. i like little kids, sounds creepy, but i miss being young and innocent
If you actualy made it through this post then thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so.
happy thanksgiving everyone
Friday, November 18, 2011
Music and a Little Writing
Music is something universal, something that can cheer you up or depress you depending what you're looking for. Writing is the same way. There is nothing better than laying down in bed at night with a pen and paper and headphones in. My IPod is filled with some of the strangest music combinations ever, I go from being in a Biggie mood to wanting some Jim Croce. New music, old music it doesn't matter. Every type of music serves a different purpose for me. getting ready before i football game I prefer some Eminem or the instrumental from Friday Night Lights. (Which by the way is called Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky) Before bed i can listen to anything, but when i want to write before bed i throw on some slow, soft rock and let out what the day had done to me. I listen to music that my dad used to play on cassette tapes when we would go up to our cabin. The good old days is what it reminds me of. But now I can listen to the songs and really hear them for what they mean. i enjoy reading what songs are supposed to be about, or at least what it is speculated that they are about. Some music today is just soo bad. LIL WAYNE. What is he even writing about? I dont know maybe i am biased because i like some other music that is similar to his but I just can't stand Lil Wayne. Well I have ranted enough for today. Can't wait til tonight to write some poems and stuff. And If you were wondering what Trev and i have listened to this period it's a good playlist.
TREV AND TOM'S 8th PERIOD PLAYLIST FROM MEERKAT MANOR
Work Out-J Cole
Chillin-Wale
Daughters-John Mayer
Folsom Prison Blues-Johnny Cash
Attraction-B.O.B
Layla-Eric Clapton
Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day
You'll Think of Me-Keith Urban
I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
You're So Vain-Carly Simon
TREV AND TOM'S 8th PERIOD PLAYLIST FROM MEERKAT MANOR
Work Out-J Cole
Chillin-Wale
Daughters-John Mayer
Folsom Prison Blues-Johnny Cash
Attraction-B.O.B
Layla-Eric Clapton
Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day
You'll Think of Me-Keith Urban
I'm Yours-Jason Mraz
You're So Vain-Carly Simon
Friday, November 4, 2011
This is the end, for you my friend...
Talking about the end is depressing but i need to get it out. Recently I have realized that a lot of things are coming to an end in my life. Last Thursday I played what would turn out to be my last hig school soccer game ever. Looking back, playing high school soccer was four of the best years of my life. I got a chance to play with my friends that I have played with since we were five years old playing at Argenta. I can remember back to those days when the biggest worry before the game was which side of our reversible jersey we were supposed to wear. Those friends from the team fill a place in my heart that no team or group can ever touch, it's kinda like the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower because in that moment when we lost and we were sitting in the locker room, we were "infinite." I texted all the senior guys after the loss and spilled my heart to them, the replies i got back made me smile. Most of them were thank yous and saying how much they enjoyed playing with me and enjoyed my joking around. One text though from a friend who I tought had no real emotions said "You've got a bright future ahead of you." That brought tears to my eyes because I am so scared of the future and what it might hold for me. But I hope my friend is right and that I do have a bright future ahead of me. The last thing i have to say about that is cherish what you have and live every moment to it's fullest. Like sitting at McDonalds the night we lost until midnight just sitting there talking to my friends, not wanting to leave but knowing we have to..
On another note football is coming to a close as well. We have a game tonight against Knoch and it could potentially be the last high school football ame that I kick in. That scares me because this is only my first year of kicking in varsity games consistently and it's something special. I honestly am not sure how much I like the sport of football. I like being apart of something though and that is what football offers me. It is truly a family, last night we watched the movie 127 Hours, pretty graphic, but after the movie four alumni came back and spoke to us. Two of those four have played in the NFL and one of them quit football while in college. The one that spoke to me the most was Coach Cooney when he told us that he called Coach Palks cring asking him if it was okay if he stopped playing. Not okay for him, okay for the program because he was scared that if any future player from West A wanted to go there that they wouldn't get a fair shot because of him quitting. The saddest thing to think about is that if I do play college football it won't be the same as high school, sure I still might be the last person to get dressed for everything and I might still take crap for being a kicker, but I won't be able to look across the locker bay at Dalton or Bonjo. I won't be able to say stuff to D Flo or Jake Johnson. That shit is scary to think about.
All I really know about the end is that it is coming, it always will be. But I guess the real question is what will I do before it gets here? I hope I can answer that question with my actions, and I hope that answer is a positive one.
NP: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, a.k.a the saddest song ever because what it reminds me of. It reminds me of all the senior soccer uys sitting in the locker room together and Travis saying, "Damn this is really happening." Who'd have thought the first serious thing that kid's ever said would hurt the most?
On another note football is coming to a close as well. We have a game tonight against Knoch and it could potentially be the last high school football ame that I kick in. That scares me because this is only my first year of kicking in varsity games consistently and it's something special. I honestly am not sure how much I like the sport of football. I like being apart of something though and that is what football offers me. It is truly a family, last night we watched the movie 127 Hours, pretty graphic, but after the movie four alumni came back and spoke to us. Two of those four have played in the NFL and one of them quit football while in college. The one that spoke to me the most was Coach Cooney when he told us that he called Coach Palks cring asking him if it was okay if he stopped playing. Not okay for him, okay for the program because he was scared that if any future player from West A wanted to go there that they wouldn't get a fair shot because of him quitting. The saddest thing to think about is that if I do play college football it won't be the same as high school, sure I still might be the last person to get dressed for everything and I might still take crap for being a kicker, but I won't be able to look across the locker bay at Dalton or Bonjo. I won't be able to say stuff to D Flo or Jake Johnson. That shit is scary to think about.
All I really know about the end is that it is coming, it always will be. But I guess the real question is what will I do before it gets here? I hope I can answer that question with my actions, and I hope that answer is a positive one.
NP: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, a.k.a the saddest song ever because what it reminds me of. It reminds me of all the senior soccer uys sitting in the locker room together and Travis saying, "Damn this is really happening." Who'd have thought the first serious thing that kid's ever said would hurt the most?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Ten Years Time
Ten years ago today, it was a Tuesday, and my grandmother died of an brain aneurysm. I remember walking down the stairs to find my mother sobbing, and I instantly knew what was wrong. She had been in the hospital the night before, but at six years old being naive I knew not what an aneurysm was. It shook me. And ten years later the scariest part, is the thought of one day forgetting. Rest in Peace Nan.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Drugs and Dogs and Teens and Beer
Today I was stopped in the middle of a game of two ball soccer because the girls gym class wasn't allowed in the locker rooms while the drug dogs searched the locker room. The most upsetting thing to me was the fact that I didn't get to play soccer. I will not fault the school for what they do because contrary to popular belief they don't want to make every kid look like a bad guy. They want to check every student so that they find the few that are bad. The last thing the school board wants is for the school they represent to look terrible. If a student has drugs on school property they deserve to get caught and they should not be allowed back. Coach Palko said that this years student section was they best in over ten years, but he also talked to the team about how he cannot condone their actions when he knows half of them are coming to the game "blitzed out of their mind." I can't blame him because while it is great to see the kids supporting us on Fridays it is sad to know that many of them would not be acting the way they were if alcohol was not present. There is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place to drink is college. Not high school. "But some parents don't care", say some students. And to that I say if they don't care that their kid is doing something that is blatently illegal, then they shouldn't care that their kid is viewed as a problem. Because that's what drinking is, especially in high school. A problem.
Time Flies...
Does time really fly by? Sometimes time seems to fly by, like looking back on the first three years of high school. The sad part is not remembering some things. But the greatest feeling is when one little thing reminds you of something from long ago. Usually the thoughts that I think back to are funny times where something had happened and it faded away until it was brought up some number of years later.
Is there enough time to enjoy life? Obviously and obviously not. In our lifetimes most of us will go through life changing experiences and we will also have times in life that we wish we could go back and change. Which brings up the talk of regret, and while life may be "short" it is ten times shorter when living with regret. How can someone take advantage of everything in front of them when they are caught turned around, dwelling on the past? They can't. And even in some case those who face the future miss some opportunities. Life gives us many things to be happy about, and life is too short to experience everything. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter if I live to be 120 years old I will miss out on something. The key though, is making the most of what you do have.
Do we do too much? My answers is yes and no. I am a person involved in many extracurricular activities and sometimes I do wish I could just take a day off. But then on days off I get bored... So is it better to load up on activities and sometimes wish for a break or just chill and look for one small thing to do to fill time? I wish I had the answer to that question because it would really help me out. As far as activities go I hope my children try every sport possible because I want them to find the one that truly makes them happy, I also hope that when they find that sport that I can be 100% behind them. I know right now it is easy to say that I would, but in reality I don't know what I am going to do if my son doesn't like sports. But I will have to be okay with whatever he chooses to do.
Because in hindsight, life is approximately 85 years long, the first 3 of which are basically a waste (except for cute pictures to look back on yeas later.) Which leaves us with around 718,320 hours of life left to live out. Once you factor in what part is spent sleeping we find that we now have 448,950 hours left. School takes up at least 13,000 hours of that. Some large numbers to look at, but when I am old I hope to look back and say that I spent those four hundred some thousand hours as best I could.
Is there enough time to enjoy life? Obviously and obviously not. In our lifetimes most of us will go through life changing experiences and we will also have times in life that we wish we could go back and change. Which brings up the talk of regret, and while life may be "short" it is ten times shorter when living with regret. How can someone take advantage of everything in front of them when they are caught turned around, dwelling on the past? They can't. And even in some case those who face the future miss some opportunities. Life gives us many things to be happy about, and life is too short to experience everything. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter if I live to be 120 years old I will miss out on something. The key though, is making the most of what you do have.
Do we do too much? My answers is yes and no. I am a person involved in many extracurricular activities and sometimes I do wish I could just take a day off. But then on days off I get bored... So is it better to load up on activities and sometimes wish for a break or just chill and look for one small thing to do to fill time? I wish I had the answer to that question because it would really help me out. As far as activities go I hope my children try every sport possible because I want them to find the one that truly makes them happy, I also hope that when they find that sport that I can be 100% behind them. I know right now it is easy to say that I would, but in reality I don't know what I am going to do if my son doesn't like sports. But I will have to be okay with whatever he chooses to do.
Because in hindsight, life is approximately 85 years long, the first 3 of which are basically a waste (except for cute pictures to look back on yeas later.) Which leaves us with around 718,320 hours of life left to live out. Once you factor in what part is spent sleeping we find that we now have 448,950 hours left. School takes up at least 13,000 hours of that. Some large numbers to look at, but when I am old I hope to look back and say that I spent those four hundred some thousand hours as best I could.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Mo Money, Mo Problems
Affect my social life? I would have to have a social life for it to be affected by a lack of money. I never go out to the movies or out to dinner, instead I hang out with my friends and we play with NERF guns pretending to be different people. I guess my imagination saves me from needing to spend money. Like Mr. Denk just said there is nothing like having a bon fire which is very cost efficient.
School on the other hand is something I constantly worry about paying for. In my previous blog I ranted about paying two hundred grand for a college degree. After graduating the next worry is finding a stable job. It is unbelievable how many people working in retail jobs (i.e. cashier at Sears) have a college degree. That ties into my other blog where I talk about going to an accredited school. You need to come out of school KNOWING you have a job lined up. In four years I hope to be in that boat. For now though, I will survive off my minmum wage job and the constant worry that my credit card will be declined. Because in the end, money is not everything, but having to ask my mom for money... now that is everything. That is a topic that has already been discussed however, and even though I love my Mom and would love to write about her some more the period is over.
School on the other hand is something I constantly worry about paying for. In my previous blog I ranted about paying two hundred grand for a college degree. After graduating the next worry is finding a stable job. It is unbelievable how many people working in retail jobs (i.e. cashier at Sears) have a college degree. That ties into my other blog where I talk about going to an accredited school. You need to come out of school KNOWING you have a job lined up. In four years I hope to be in that boat. For now though, I will survive off my minmum wage job and the constant worry that my credit card will be declined. Because in the end, money is not everything, but having to ask my mom for money... now that is everything. That is a topic that has already been discussed however, and even though I love my Mom and would love to write about her some more the period is over.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Relax
This past Thursday I experienced the most calming time in a long time. After school before football started I decided to avoid the hectic locker room and laid on the field and read The Great Gatsby. The only thing I heard was the wind and my own thoughts, something I rarely have time to listen to. I realize that I only laid there for around ten minutes, but in that ten minutes I was unbelievably calm, something that I haven't been in a long time. I just wish I had more moments like that in the hectic life I lead. Maybe someday when I settle down I can spend more than ten minutes alone with nothing else to worry about but me.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Questions about Democracy
In this article, I read about how two U.S. born terrorists who were apart of Al Qaeda were killed early this morning. It make me question... How can you go from living in the greatest country on Earth to attempting to kill innocent people from that same place? What would drive a person to do that?
The other questions I ask include... How can any roup say that this attack was without due process?? This man targeted innocent Americans on several different occasions. While I have a serious hatred for terrorists i wonder sometimes what their families think? Do they truly believe that their father was a martyr? That he had a positive impact on the world? Come on... The only agenda he had was one filled with plans of destruction. While no death is good, maybe some are more needed than others. And in this case, killing two men who seemed horrible probably saved thousands and thousands of lives.
I know that I will never complain aout life ere in America, especially when I see the places others live. For example Yemen seems like a huge waste of space. It is a breeding ground for terrorists and it's government has no profound impact on the world... in essence it provides the rest of the world with nothing, and so it should be treated like nothing.
The other questions I ask include... How can any roup say that this attack was without due process?? This man targeted innocent Americans on several different occasions. While I have a serious hatred for terrorists i wonder sometimes what their families think? Do they truly believe that their father was a martyr? That he had a positive impact on the world? Come on... The only agenda he had was one filled with plans of destruction. While no death is good, maybe some are more needed than others. And in this case, killing two men who seemed horrible probably saved thousands and thousands of lives.
I know that I will never complain aout life ere in America, especially when I see the places others live. For example Yemen seems like a huge waste of space. It is a breeding ground for terrorists and it's government has no profound impact on the world... in essence it provides the rest of the world with nothing, and so it should be treated like nothing.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Going Nowhere Fast
My last post was about how I constantly think about the future, and the thing that bugs me most is some that some kids I know are not planning on going to college. I understand skipping school to serve our country but some kids I know, who are smart kids, plan on working minimum wage jobs. They insist that there are $60,000 jobs waiting for them right out of high school, hello no there are not. College is a necessity in the day we live in, and some degrees mean more than others and some majors are totally worthless. If you are going to go to college you should go where you will succeed, and go somewhere that will help you when you graduate. Basically put yourself in a place to succeed... And if anyone does read this blog and they aren't planning on getting a good education you can just stop reading... because a good education is something people all over the world will never get to have. That right there is the second Doze.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Future?
Being a senior is heck of a lot easier than being a junior. This year I have hardly worked, and my focus has fallen on other things. I constantly check my email for free college applications and any resuts on applications I already sent in. I worry everyday about where I will get in at, and I hope and hope and hope that if I get into somewhere I want to go that my family will be ale t afford it. How can you put a price on education? Obviously it is easy for me to ask when I don't have to keep a university up and running, but $50,000 a year? A bit excessive. I want to get into Fordham because I love New York, it also might be because my two cousins that I look up to most went there.
Unfortunately for me I wil probably have to play a sport I really don't enjoy to pay for whatever schooling I get. This morning my mom told me that if I don't plan on playng that I beter look a cheaper schools. She told me later that she was sorry and that wherever I went we would try and make it work. But she was right. Going somewhere that costs $50,000 a year is not worth it if I wouldn't be receiving any money towards it. Sometimes I get caught up in the prestige of a place and feel locked on it. I want to be able to tell my kids where I went to college and have them say, "Wow Dad. That's amazing." Maybe that is something I need to workon, or maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid to want what I want, but I am.
The scariest thing to me is making my mom spend money on me. College is so expensive, especially when I urge my mom not to bu me some type of everyday thing that I really need. Spending 200 grand on college is way out of the question to me because I know what my mom has done to keep my family afloat. From selling stocks she was urged not to sell to selling some of her books to Half-Price books. Maybe I just want something better for my mom. That is probably it. Because any time we go shopping I will pick out things for my mom to buy herself, when she would never dream of doing that. My dad on the other hand falls victim to my grandfather's saying "convenience equals cost." Then again my dad is a whole different discussion for a different day... so there is the first dose of the daily doze.
Unfortunately for me I wil probably have to play a sport I really don't enjoy to pay for whatever schooling I get. This morning my mom told me that if I don't plan on playng that I beter look a cheaper schools. She told me later that she was sorry and that wherever I went we would try and make it work. But she was right. Going somewhere that costs $50,000 a year is not worth it if I wouldn't be receiving any money towards it. Sometimes I get caught up in the prestige of a place and feel locked on it. I want to be able to tell my kids where I went to college and have them say, "Wow Dad. That's amazing." Maybe that is something I need to workon, or maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid to want what I want, but I am.
The scariest thing to me is making my mom spend money on me. College is so expensive, especially when I urge my mom not to bu me some type of everyday thing that I really need. Spending 200 grand on college is way out of the question to me because I know what my mom has done to keep my family afloat. From selling stocks she was urged not to sell to selling some of her books to Half-Price books. Maybe I just want something better for my mom. That is probably it. Because any time we go shopping I will pick out things for my mom to buy herself, when she would never dream of doing that. My dad on the other hand falls victim to my grandfather's saying "convenience equals cost." Then again my dad is a whole different discussion for a different day... so there is the first dose of the daily doze.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Assorted Poetry
Life is a ride on the subway,
meeting people from all walks of life.
Most close their eyes.
To dream of something better,
to escape from their reality.
Until they come to the stop they need.
Their eyes open, as rest turns to hustle and bustle.
And you hustle and bustle,
until your time comes
to close our eyes
and dream.
But in the end, the subway takes you from one place to the next,
the middle man of life and death.
She walks slowly
attempting to elude the ever judging eyes.
Her face is one of tender youth,
barely in her teens.
Yet something is different
in her attempt to escape.
The hooded sweatsheart she wore
for several months is now pulled off,
revealing a young girl forced into motherhood.
"How could you?" shouted Judgement.
"Take it easy!" pled Care.
Rebellion stood his ground, "I can handle myself."
Compassion sobbed, "You're only eighteen!"
"I know that! Just let me go." screamed Disrespect.
As Sadness reappeared I knew life was going to change.
"Then go." replied Scrutiny.
"Don't listen to him!" whined Mercy.
Love spoke in a broken voice, "Do what you want Youth. You always have."
"Fine." Betrayal answered, "I'll be fine."
And the door slammed.
But at five years old I wondered what had happened, and if my brother would be fine.
meeting people from all walks of life.
Most close their eyes.
To dream of something better,
to escape from their reality.
Until they come to the stop they need.
Their eyes open, as rest turns to hustle and bustle.
And you hustle and bustle,
until your time comes
to close our eyes
and dream.
But in the end, the subway takes you from one place to the next,
the middle man of life and death.
She walks slowly
attempting to elude the ever judging eyes.
Her face is one of tender youth,
barely in her teens.
Yet something is different
in her attempt to escape.
The hooded sweatsheart she wore
for several months is now pulled off,
revealing a young girl forced into motherhood.
"How could you?" shouted Judgement.
"Take it easy!" pled Care.
Rebellion stood his ground, "I can handle myself."
Compassion sobbed, "You're only eighteen!"
"I know that! Just let me go." screamed Disrespect.
As Sadness reappeared I knew life was going to change.
"Then go." replied Scrutiny.
"Don't listen to him!" whined Mercy.
Love spoke in a broken voice, "Do what you want Youth. You always have."
"Fine." Betrayal answered, "I'll be fine."
And the door slammed.
But at five years old I wondered what had happened, and if my brother would be fine.
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