Home Alone

Welp. It's officially Thanksgiving.

That means it's time for everyone to post on Facebook and Twitter exactly who and what they're thankful for. Most are thankful for their family, friends, and loved ones alike. Some are thankful for things like their education, their rights as an American, or for their recent good luck. The one thing we should all be thankful for that often gets overlooked is our health. I'm lucky to be a healthy 20 year old kid. I realize there are some kids who will never get to experience life the way I have, and as cliche as it sounds, I really am thankful for it.

I didn't write this post to blather about thanks, though.

I wrote it because as I lay on the couch in my apartment at school I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed in a negative "behind in school" way, but rather I feel overwhelmed by how fast my life is moving.

So often I say how ready I am to graduate and move on, but laying on this couch without any of my friends home I realize that's a bold faced lie. I take it for granted that one of my best friends since 6th grade sleeps in the room right next to me. I take it for granted that another of my best friends lives right upstairs. And I take it for granted that I get to see the best friends I made at college every day in class. I'm so caught up in hating classes that I forget to love all the good stuff.

Next April my friends and I will graduate from college. The scariest part about that is not knowing where we'll all be after graduation. Some will head for grad school wherever they can get accepted and others are going to take jobs. We don't know where those schools or jobs will be or when we'll see each other next. One of the last memories we'll have where we're all together is our graduation.

I imagine getting your diploma handed to you is one of the more bittersweet feelings. It's proof to the world and yourself that you succeeded and made it through "the best four years of your life," but it's also a stark reminder that life does go on. It's a piece of paper that's meant to commend you for your good work while simultaneously telling you to go get a job.

I don't think I'll ever fully be ready for my friends and I going our separate ways. And while I might not ever be ready for it, I am already very aware that it has to happen.

It has to happen because if we all mulled around here for our whole lives we'd probably stagnate. I don't want that. I want my friends to go out and make a name for themselves. I want to visit them, i want to call them and reminisce, and I want to meet their families when they have them. And I can only hope they want the same for me.

This was all over the place. Just like the good old days.

Til next time, everybody. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be sure to overeat.

NP: Youth- Daughter

In Class

I'm sitting in my Investment Management class right now. I should probably be listening to what my professor is saying, but I think I'll just teach myself this stuff later on. This is a part of me trying to "live in the moment."

After last week finished up I really realized how much I'm stressing about unimportant things. I let myself get sick and worried about one single test grade. How stupid is that? Yeah, tests are important to a degree, but ten years from now I'm not going to remember these grades. And if I keep up this constant worrying and stressing I won't have anything else to remember about college.

These four years are supposed to be, and for the most part have been, the best four years of my life. While I wasn't always happy at Fordham, I never worried about grades like I have this semester. This semester I've let grades control my life and let the important things get away from me.

Thankfully I had this weekend to put things back in perspective. A double date on Friday night with Ally, Pap, and Joyce was a good place to start. Pap and Joyce have an unsurpassed ability to relax me. I could sit at dinner with them for hours and just listen to the stories from their travels. The stories might repeat, but each time they're told they come with the same excitement as the original did. Nights like the one I had Friday are the ones I'll miss most when I've grown up.

Saturday was another successful, lazy day. I went home for a few hours to hang out with my family, and the dysfunction was the same as when I left. A dinner at Ya-Fei is damn near impossible to pass up...especially if mom is paying.

I guess the common denominator this weekend was family. Family is, has been, and always will be one of the biggest contributors to my overall happiness.

As this semester winds down I find myself trying to make up for lost time. And even though it's impossible to get time back, I can move forward focusing on the really important things like friends and family.

Jared, Dave, and I all watched Game of Thrones for a few hours last night and I was reminded again how much I love my best friends. I've known those two guys since I was a little kid and we still find new things to make us laugh every single day. I'm lucky to have friends like them. I guess you could call them lifers because they'll be my friends for life. I've been very fortunate to know such hardworking, humorous, caring guys, and I can't wait until we get to graduate from the same university and set forth on our own individual journeys. I know they'll be successful in whatever they decide to do, wherever they end up.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. We still have a year and a half left in 339 Oakland Avenue to make some unforgettable memories and at the very least watch some Game of Thrones.

Hopefully this post was a nice little follow up to the last. I hope everyone reading this is in good health and good spirits.

NP: Starry Eyed- Ellie (at Semetti's request)

The Return

When I started this blog I was a senior in high school. I created it for a creative writing class and originally had to post on it for grades. Before long the blog had become a part of my identity. I posted  a blog almost every single day of my senior year, and most days there would be 200-300 people logging on to read what I had to say. Blogs back then were mostly the thoughts and ramblings of a self proclaimed "hopeless romantic." Things have changed a lot since then. I like to think the blog posts are less "hopeless" and more realistic, even though posts in general are more scarce.

Since I started my blog the longest I've ever gone without posting a blog is a month. This will be my first blog post in over two months and I'm having a tough time coming to terms with why that is. I've started about 10 blog posts in the last two months and each one ended up the same way...deleted. Maybe it's because I feel like everything I have to say has already been said, or because I feel like the topics are lackluster, or maybe it's because I'm not sure anyone really cares to read what I have to say anymore. (Or maybe it's because my high school self believed himself to be more poetic than I feel I am now.)

Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.

I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.

College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)

In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.

College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.

College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.

Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.

It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."

Til next time.

NP: Riptide - Vance Joy

a little girl

So this is the story of a young lady I've had the absolute pleasure of getting to know this summer...

Five foot something tall and a teenager in years maybe, but she's still a little girl by most measures. Her actions don't always fit her age. She struggles with grammar sometimes, confusng tenses & misspelling words, and the daily norm of tying her shoes comes as quite a struggle. Her outfits don't always match; clad in hand me downs from the older sister she strives so much to be like. She doesn't care, though.

Sure, she's a little rough around the edges. She might be too loud in public, and her sense of personal space is much closer than most people are used to. She acts out when she's mad and laughs like a hyena when she's entertained. She pays it no mind; however, and maybe in her case ignorance is the most protective, wonderful bliss.

But other people notice.

They stop and stare, wondering why she is the way she is. Yet very few care to know the actual answers. See people don't actually care why you're different, they just care that you're different. But maybe they'd hold back their condescending glares and instant judgements if they knew her story.

See what you don't know is that at fourteen years old she's faced death and hospital beds more times than you and I likely ever will. She's been so close to death that the life with which she lives is truly beautiful. And she doesn't even bat an eye the past despite the nightly pills that help to keep her safe.

And perhaps the part that is most often overlooked is this: She's not asking for your sympathy. She doesn't want empty apologies for the things that happened to her that not even God could control. She's not asking for preferential treatment either, she just wants you to give her a chance. She wants you to treat her like a normal, teenage girl.

And I'll be damned if she doesn't deserve it.

Because despite all her differences and perceived imperfections the truth of the matter is that she's another blonde, teenage girl. She loves her family and friends, she chases boys, and she likes to wear makeup. Her favorite color is pink, she looks up to her older sister, and she fights with her brother. She says things she doesn't mean to her parents, and she curses boys for being stupid. She handles middle school the same way we all handled those awful, godforsaken years.

She's in your face and not always socially adept, but she's hysterical if you really listen to her talk for a while. She can get on your nerves with her persistence and stubbornness, but maybe that's something we should admire not condemn. She's misunderstood but easily relatable to. And she's loud. (There's no two ways about that one.)

That's who she is, though. Take her or leave her.

I know that I'm going to do whatever I can to show her I care about her. She deserves that much.

NP: Meet Virginia- Train

boy and girl

It was mostly whispers in the wind, and a few brief encounters followed by time apart. And maybe that distance was making the heart grow fonder, or maybe it was something more than that. Could it be, perhaps, that two people simply found each other at the right time? But then again who's to say when timing is right or when it's wrong? We could have always met someone sooner. But sooner doesn't necessarily imply better, does it? To have met under different circumstances could mean the whole thing tumbling down. It's all well and good to wish for more time, but there's a chance more time would have been your undoing. Maybe last year's her wasn't ready for last year's him. Or maybe he wasn't what she needed at that time. Different people at different points in their lives. It's tough to say with any sort of certainty how two people will mesh when they meet. Still, the heart cannot help but ask its "what ifs?"

She looked him in the eyes & told him of past woes and love gone awry. "I wish I met you before anyone else," she said with a hint of regret and despair in her voice. And he frowned an understanding frown and replied calmly, "What's come and gone can't be undone, and it doesn't matter where you've been so long as you get where you're going. You see it's not about who you go through to get there, it's about who you end up with." He talked confidently and sincerely, his voice never much above a whisper, and she believed every word he spoke. She'd believe anything he told her; not because she needed something to believe in, but because he was worth believing in.

See, when she looked at him she saw the raw emotion. It was sculpted in his face and interwoven in his speech. She also saw a boy (or maybe young man) who truly cared about her and those she cared for, and she knew deep down that he'd do anything for her. He had told her so, but she knew well before that. Just like she knew every morning when she woke up he'd be there, smiling at her like she'd done him some big favor.

He told her it was okay to take him for granted. He always hated when people said the opposite. It was as if love was supposed to be used as a threat. Like, "Don't take me for granted or else..." And to that he posed the question, "Or else what?" Love, to him, was about giving and taking and the possibility of reciprocation. However, he never thought of love as a "one for one" type deal. If he did something for her, be it big or small, he didn't expect immediate compensation or any compensation for that matter. See, two people's love tends to balance out. It has a way of leveling the playing field & making sure both people get what they need when they need it most.

And what she didn't quite get, not yet at least, was that all he wanted and needed was the same reassurance the sun gave the day. You know, the day ends and the sun sets, but there's an unspoken agreement, a universal truth of sorts, that says the sun will be back tomorrow. It never once gives up on the day or forgets about it. In fact, the sun gives the day its meaning, and to him, she brought his life a worthwhile explanation of why he was doing what he was doing.

And anytime that she looked at him chances are that he was already looking at her. He did so every chance he got because to him, her eyes were a mirror that showed him a better version of himself. They showed him a future he could bear. They were understanding eyes that had watched too many forgettable people come and go. And even when her glassy, green, truth telling eyes weren't open she was still something stunning to be seen. (That's why he decided not to deny himself the guilty pleasure of staring from time to time.)

I guess you could say that when he looked at her, next to him, he began to believe, for the first time in his life, that maybe everything does happen for a reason.

I don't know where these thoughts and little stories come from. They're a mish-mash of thoughts from here and actual conversation there. To a certain degree they're all a part of me. The people in them are meant to represent real people, but could be anyone you want them to be. It could be you, it could be me, it could be my mom and dad. The choice is yours really. I guess sometimes I get tired of just giving my opinion of "love" or "dating" or "people" and I throw together these little bits. Hopefully it didn't bore you too much.

Til next time.
(And seriously, if you don't get anything else out of this blog, at least listen to the NP. Incredible song.)

NP: All I Want- Kodaline

family, changing plans, & the past

This blog is made up of 3 parts that don't really go together at all. They're just things I've thought about recently. Maybe some of it will translate well enough to make sense to you all. If not, so be it.

Family

Another Hilton Head family vacation has some and gone, and I can only hope that it isn't the last year I get to go down. I remember throughout middle school and high school I dreaded the thought of Hilton Head without my cousins. I knew that as they grew up they'd take on responsibilities that made them unable to come on vacation. Sadly it seems I've now reached the age where summers are spent working instead of playing. It's a natural progression, I realize, but it still makes me a little sad knowing that I'll potentially be missing out on family time.

See as much as family time can become overwhelming I'll never complain about it. And even though two weeks in Hilton Head can bring out all of our family's insecurities and dysfunction it also manages to bring out the best in us. When we're on vacation there is always at least one meltdown on the schedule. The magnitude of the meltdown and who is going to meltdown is always a roll of the dice, but it's guaranteed that someone will.

Honestly though, everybody's family is dysfunctional. If you think otherwise you're crazy. Some families are better than others at hiding it, but deep down everyone has a certain level of insanity in their family.

I think I cherish every vacation so much because one day Pap and Joyce won't be around to vacation with. I haven't actually come to terms with that yet, but I am aware that it is something that will one day happen. (Not for a while though because they're both in great health.) Pap's the one who makes Hilton Head possible and I can't thank him enough for that. I think one of the best things about Pap is his hardheadedness when it comes to changing. He has his old "dumb phone" as he calls it, and he absolutely refuses to get a new phone. Joyce even told him she would buy him the new iPhone with a year of data last Christmas and he turned it down. He doesn't want a new phone, but he's usually willing to splurge on some new golf clubs if he needs them. (Except his putter.) Pap's funny like that I guess.

If Pap taught me one thing this trip it's that sometimes simplicity is the sweetest. You have to understand that when our family vacations there is a disturbing amount of ice cream consumed. And Pap is right up there in the consumption. He'll take us all to get ice cream & spend 50 or 60 dollars on us only to go home and make himself a sundae with Breyer's Ice Cream. He never buys himself ice cream at the various ice cream shops. He'd rather make his own at home. And I'd be lying if I didn't give him credit for making one heck of a sundae.

(Also, a note from me to you. When you're with your loved ones take as many pictures as you can. Capture these memories on film so that you can decorate your life with the people who can't always be there. A picture truly is worth a thousand words and a picture is also there to remind you of things that are no longer around. If one day you mind slips and you you no longer remember you can glance at a picture and use it as a starting point. If nothing else you can use it to build your own story of what happened.)

Changing Plans

As I grow up I find myself constantly making plans and changing them. It's not something I do on purpose, it's just that with more responsibilities come more cancelled plans. You go from having the weekend off to working 20 hours in an instant. You make plans to see a friend and have to reschedule because something just gets in the way.

We go from planning to see someone in a week to waiting a month. It often seems that the people we yearn for the most are often the hardest to get to.

But just becuase they're hard to get to doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Every minute/hour/day that goes by we're that much closer to the end of our life. Our time here on earth is hopelessly finite and sadly some people don't realize that. They push things back and back and eventually the thing they kept delaying is no longer there. That's why we need to keep plans. And if we can't keep them we need to do our damnedest to get there as soon as possible.

Don't let a week turn into forever. Get in your car and go see the people you need to see.

Like I said... no transitions... just thoughts.

The Past

Sooo... the past. You know, the thing that's supposed to be behind us? Turns out that it's never really behind us. Or maybe it is and the real fact of the matter is that we can't change what happened or how it shaped us. For instance, I'm a slightly different person today than I was last week. And I'm a much different person today than I was three years ago. Keep in mind that "different" is relative. For the most part I am the same person, but my viewpoints, expectations, and plans for myself are all different now than they once were.

The thing about the past is that we all have one. But what does that mean when we decide to let someone new into our life?

For each person it'll be different, but for me this is what letting someone in means:

It means that you have to accept somebody for who they currently are not who they were. That entails looking beyond their past and taking them and loving them the way they are now.

It also means you have to know yourself and believe that the person you're letting in accepts you as you are. You can't pretend to be someone you aren't because the discord will be apparent and the relationship you had built of hoped to build will crumble.

Letting someone in also involves accepting and letting go of things you can't change about the past, be it your own or theirs. Chances are you won't be taking them on their first date, you won't be giving them their first kiss, and you won't be their first love. And they probably won't be yours either. But what you can do instead, if you do it right, is be their last, best whatever.

Without even realizing it you could be taking some pretty girl on her last, first date. You could kiss her goodbye like no one ever has & leave her craving another day with you. You could prove to be the best love she's ever known & the guy her parents entrust her with forever.

But none of that's possible if you're busy worrying about the people who kissed her first.

As far as I'm concerned the past is lost and the present is a gift.

Meanwhile the future is a combination of lessons from the past and best laid plans based on the present. It's always uncertain, but significantly less so when you've found something worthwhile.

That's all she ~he~ wrote.

NP: Sight of the Sun- Fun.

work work work

This whole growing up thing is tougher than it seems. Two weeks ago I worked 50+ hours between Bahama Breeze and my internship. While the two jobs are very different in nature, they're both taxing in different ways. The internship is mentally taxing and all the numbers I run everyday leave me wondering how people do this for their whole life. On the other hand Bahama Breeze is more physically taxing. It doesn't sound like much, but being on your feet for 8 or 10 hours isn't easy. (Plus the service industry often makes you question how people were raised.)

Believe me, I don't mean to complain about either of my jobs because I realize I'm fortunate enought to have two jobs in an economy where some stuggle to find one.

 I just never knew what to expect from two jobs.

Pap always tells stories about him working two jobs while he was in college. I sort of just brushed it off, thinking it couldn't be that bad, but I was dead wrong. Even if you don't feel tired while you're working the jobs it eventually catches up to you. I feel like a bum because I wake up, go to work, come home from work, and just sit around before going back to sleep and repeating the process.

I can't even imagine doing what Pap did. School, two jobs, and after a certain point he had to have time for Nan. Maybe I can say it's a generational thing. Or maybe Pap is just tougher than me. Or maybe he's tougher than me because of the generation he was born in. I like the way that sounds so I'm gonna go with that.

At the beginning of summer I thought that it was going to be my last summer to take it all in. You know hanging out with friends all the time, still living like a kid, working a few shifts as a waiter. Stuff like that. But that changed when I landed the internship. I'm not upset by it, though. I couldn't be happier with where I'm at and where I'm headed with my life.

The work week drags on, don't get me wrong, but the paychecks keep coming in and I keep getting valuable, relevant experience.

So basically, life is good. It's hectic and tiring, but it's definitely good.

I'm really excited to get back down to Oakland. I can't stress that enough. This is the first summer in a long time (probably forever) where I've been eager to get back to school.

I guess I can attribute that to all the activities I got into and the friends I made at school last year. Between the Pi and baseball and all the other people I know Oakland is more of my home now than Oakdale is. Don't get me wrong home is still home, but it's just different.

In addition to club baseball and the Pi, I've added another activity to my schedule this semester. I'll be working as a manager for the football team. It certainly won't be the most glamorous job I've ever worked, but the job has some perks that I simply can't turn down. At the very least I'm excited to see what a Division 1 football program is all about from the inside.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was worried about everything I have on my plate. It certainly won't be easy and down time will be a luxury, but my excitement far outweighs my concern.

At the very least I know that I have a house full of friends to come home to every night. Isn't that all you can ask for really? A group of people who make the bad days better.

Anyway. I need to get back to work. I'll write again soon because I have a ton on my mind.

NP: Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers

been too long

I'm just now seeing that it's been a little over two weeks since I blogged last. (Inexcusable.) I've had a lot to say, but I guess I never got around to saying it.

So recently I read Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven and saw the movie adaptation of John Green's The Fault In Our Stars. Even though I had already read John Green's novel there was something more real about the movie. I think the movie not only did the book justice, but also made the whole thing more visible, more in your face.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven was one of the best books I've read in recent memory. I like the way Albom goes about explaining heaven. Usually when we think of heaven we think of this beautiful place in the sky that is the same for everybody. I always thought that my heaven was interchangeable with everyone else's. Mitch Albom's book changed the way I thought of heaven. Maybe heaven is a place where God resides. But who's to say that my heaven can't be my own personal construct of it? Heaven doesn't have to be somewhere up in the clouds. Maybe instead it's your favorite place on earth, only you never have to leave it. The book also, obviously, talked about five people you meet in heaven before you get to "your heaven." I won't ruin it for you because I insist you read it, but I can't help but wonder who my five would be.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned both books was because they both dealt with death and both shared a similar viewpoint of it. Both books agreed that funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. In TFIOS Augustus has his own little funeral for himself because he says he wanted to be at his funeral. See that's not something I'd ever want.

Funerals are definitely for the living. They're a chance for people to say one more goodbye. But I wouldn't want to be at my own funeral for a myriad of reasons.

First and foremost, funerals are filled with a bunch of different people, all of whom are varying levels of "sad." You have the people closest to you who will be absolutely destroyed by your death. Those people use your funeral as a major part of the grieving process. I have no interest in seeing them at such a vulnerable moment. Then you have people who aren't as close. Those people go through the motions of a funeral. They get dressed up, say their many versions of "Im sorry for your loss," and might even throw a prayer your way. But they aren't using the funeral as a part of the grieving process, not in the same way as those closest to you at least. Instead, they're using it as a chance to make up for lost time. They get one more chance to see you even though they couldn't find the time when you were living. The last group of people were people who really didn't know you at all. Maybe they're kids of your friends or distant relatives, dragged to the funeral home by someone close to them who was close to you. To them, you're just another body in a box, and really is that so wrong? Death is life's great equalizer. It's something we all, inevitably, will do, and we can't expect everyone to mourn our loss the same.

Another reason I wouldn't want to be at my own funeral is because of all showmanship that goes into it. Everyone gets all gussied up to come say goodbye to somebody who isn't there to see them anyway. Why do we make funerals more uncomfortable than they have to be? All the awkward silence and photo boards are enough to make a person roll over in their grave...or right there in the funeral home. I'd rather my friends stop by in shorts and a t shirt and bullshit with me like I was still there. Maybe prop me up in the corner and have a good laugh when I topple over. That probably sounds morbid to most people, but if somebody is going to cry for me I'd rather them cry because they're noticing my absence in conversation than because they see my in some box.

The last reason why I wouldn't want to be at my own funeral is because I don't care to hear what people have to say about me. I've always been sort of uncomfortable with people talking about me. Whether good or bad I really don't care to hear it. I like to think there would be some kick ass eulogies filled with funny stories, but I wouldn't want to hear it. Honestly, I wouldn't need to hear it because I would've already lived it. Those eulogies are for the people who weren't there, not for those who were. I think it'd be cool to have a Q&A at your funeral instead. Ask people questions about the dead and see how they respond. The uncertainty and inaccuracy of some answers might make people uncomfortable though. (God forbid we make people more uncomfortable than they have to be.)

So that's my spiel on funerals. Hopefully this blog wasn't taken as too dark because it wasn't meant to be. Those were just some thoughts I had on the matter.

I guess all this talk of death helps me realize how lucky I am to be alive. 

I'm lucky to be alive and to have all these opportunities ahead of me. And I'm even luckier that I'm surrounded by incredible people who are going to make the journey even more worthwhile. I guess the only thing sweeter than success is having people to share it with you. 

My life is headed wherever I want it to go, and that's a damn cool feeling.

I'll leave you with a favorite poem of mine...sadly I cannot claim it as my own. That credit goes to William Ernest Henley...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may beFor my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstanceI have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chanceMy head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tearsLooms but the Horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the yearsFinds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,How charged with punishments the scroll.I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul. 

NP: Murder in the City- The Avett Brothers

addicted to the light

Just another nonsense poem I wrote. 

addiction flows through veins
     like the rush of a midsummer's rain
        down the river.

and addiction cuts deep
     like a knife in the heart
        or worse in the back

but some addictions aren't fueled
     by pipes and needles
        rather by the head and heart

so we love what we love
     and over time
        we let it kill us

love: life's greatest upper
     heartbreak: a fast acting depressant
        withdrawal: the absence of love and heartbreak

because in life we want to feel anything
     so sometimes pain is a nice reminder
        that we're still alive

but something this sweet
     it wasn't made for moderation
        it's an everyday kind of drug

see, your smile couldn't kill me
      or else I'm certain
         I'd have overdosed by now

so lend me your hand once more

      I promise any suffering I face

         was worth it tenfold

you see I'm addicted to your light

      the light that brings me back

         and heals me at day's end

There's Always More Ahead

Yesterday I got to watch the West A baseball team win a WPIAL Championship. That marks the third boys title I watched West A win this year. I couldn't be more happy for those kids. I truly couldn't. Somewhere deep down there's a small part of my being that envies them. It takes me back to senior year baseball and soccer where we had unfulfilled potential. It takes me back to days where high school sports meant more than anything to me.

And then, after a minute or so of reminiscing, I remember how much more there is ahead of each of those boys. Just like there was so much more ahead of me.

The truth is that one day the WPIAL Championship t-shirt will get misplaced, the ring won't fit your finger, and the gold medal will be but a memento to tell to your kids about. And you know what? You won't mind. Because the ring and medal and t-shirt will pale in comparison to the things you've accomplished and felt since.

I don't mean to take away from what the boys just did because they deserve to celebrate for as long as they'd like.

I just want to point out how much is left for them.

Like college.

I can't pretend like I've lived some crazy, illustrious college career thus far because I haven't. I'm very much just a normal college kid. But even in my normalcy I've noticed some extraordinary things college gives you.

On the academic side it gives you a chance to challenge and prove to yourself what you're capable of. College isn't as hard as everyone tell you it is, it's much harder. (So don't jag around and skip class. You're paying all that money, so you might as well go out and get a 4.0. Plus, nobody really likes kids who skip class; at first it's funny, then it's just pathetic.)

On the social side it gives you a chance to make some everlasting friendships with people from all walks of life who come from far and wide. (So go out and meet people. That one weird kid from down the hall might end up being the best man at your wedding if you bother getting to know him.)

On the athletics side it gives you a wide array of club and intramural sports to try your hand at. Whether you do a coed league where you and your friends get hammered before each game or a league where you buy team jerseys and attempt to win a title, there's nobody stopping you from playing. (So play. Also, don't be afraid to take it too seriously because coming in second in intramural soccer at a major university is a big deal. If you don't agree you obviously haven't lived it.)

On the family side of things it shows you how much family truly means. You learn to cherish the time you have with family because there are plenty of times at school when you'd do anything to see them. (So Skype your mom and text your sister. And see if your grandpa wants to grab lunch. And if you grab lunch listen to the stuff he tells you because otherwise one day you'll regret not listening.)

Last night in the car with Ty we started talking about which one of our friends would be the first to get married, and if that isn't the scariest thought in the world I'm not sure what is. (Ty said most people might place money on me, but that he wouldn't be surprised if Jared or Dave snuck in there first. He placed himself at 100 to 1 odds, but you never know what's going to happen.) It's weird thinking about being a groomsman in my friend's wedding. It's even weirder to think about picking out my best man from my group of friends. Or the weirdest thing is thinking about the girl who'll be walking down the aisle towards me.

I can't help but wonder what goes through a groom's head as he watches his bride-to-be walk down the aisle. Is it a memory of the first time they met? Is it the idea that he's going to (or at least he's supposed to) spend the rest of forever with this girl? Is it a feeling of entrapment? Is it a feeling of liberation? I guess only time will tell.

I'm not sure where this blog is going so I'll end it here. And I'll leave you with a poem I've been writing/fixing up for a long time. (If you ignore the elementary rhyming scheme it might be enjoyable.)

Unbeknownst to me you settled in,

somewhere between head and heart.

From afar I couldn't see,

that was your intention from the start.

I must admit you caught me off guard,

sent me spinning through my thoughts.

But now I'm okay,

so long as you stay in that very spot. 

Because if you leave I will wonder,

how my wandering ways led astray.

The girl who found me my own heart,

but left my life in disarray. 

So I'll hold you like I've held them before,

but know that their time has passed. 

And I'd go to the ends of the earth,

if you so much as asked.

But ask that you won't,

you'll never have to ask.

Because I won't let you go,

your company is my mask.

And I know that I'll never know, 

who looked in your eyes like I do.

All I know is the past's behind us,

and somehow we both made it through.

Sure, sometimes I'll wonder,

when your head rests on my chest.

How we got to this point together,

and how I compare to all the rest.

But I'm not scared this time like before,
something in your being reassures me.
It says it's okay if I choose to stay,
but understands if I decide to walk free.

So let's see where we end up,
see what this thing can really be.
The future's quite uncertain,
but I've got you and you've got me.

My Own Personal Complex

I think that we all have our own specific "complexes." And what I mean is that every person has some part of themselves they're uncomfortable with. We all have something we worry about as a potential shortcoming. 

The most popular complex in modern day America has to be the skinny girl complex. You know, the idea that a girl feels she needs to look like the waistless models pictured in magazines. There's no denying that people young and old worry about the way they look. If it wasn't true then we wouldn't have nearly as many kids with eating disorders and plastic surgeons would have a heck of a lot less work to do.

For me, body image isn't a worry anymore. I've come to accept this physique I've been given. I don't worry about my height or smile or anything like that. Aside from a few pounds here or there, most parts of my appearance are set in stone. And when I look in the mirror I'm content with what I see. I'm no Narcissus destined to fall in love with my own reflection, but I'm not some bridge-guarding troll either. 

For me, my complex is something much different. I'm deathly afraid of not being interesting enough. I don't look at Leonardo DiCaprio and see greatness in his looks, instead I'm intimidated by his accomplishments. It's his worldliness that frightens me. Granted, actors are a separate breed because of their lifestyles, but the underlying concept is the same. I don't want to bore someone. In this day and age boredom sets in so fast that one day you could be all the rage and the next you're just a sideshow in your own story. And if that isn't scary I don't know what is. 

The truth is this... obsolescence is scary. 

Maybe that's why we seek love, as a reassurance that we are not obsolete. 

And maybe boredom is to blame for making love seemingly so hard to find nowadays. Whether it's loving yourself or loving someone else, you never know when you're going to grow tired of the person you're trying to love. 

It should be easy: love yourself by allowing yourself to grow and mature. Read a new book, learn a new skill, find a funny joke; just do something to keep yourself guessing and keep yourself from stagnating. In my opinion the love of another person should follow. If we prevent ourselves from stagnating then we should be easy to love. Everyone always says you need to love yourself before others will love you. I don't necessarily agree with that, but it isn't a bad principle to follow. 

But it doesn't always seem so easy to love yourself or those around you, does it? 

I guess what we should be searching for in love is someone who challenges us. Someone who day in and day out makes us ask questions about the reality we've become so sure of. I think we need someone whose intelligence scares us, someone whose beauty we gawk at, someone who makes us think. If we find someone who can make us see the world from a different perspective then our life will be significantly better.

It's easy to go through life searching for people who feel the exact same way we do. Instead of doing that maybe we should find someone who tells us that our opinions are crazy. Argue with them, debate against them, compromise with them if you must, and then scare the hell out of them by loving them. You want to find someone who complements you, not someone who could be substituted for you. 

We're all searching for that one person to cling to for eternity; our partner in crime and the one who makes us feel truly alive. So go out and find that person. Do so by speaking confidently, listening intently, and laughing uncontrollably. You'll know when you've found them because they'll be the one listening to your confident words, filling your ears with their own assertive voice, and laughing uncontrollably along with you.

That's all for now. The thought well has run dry. Til next time.

NP: Lost in My Mind- The Head And The Heart

PCB

It sucks that I have to write this blog with a heavy heart knowing that our baseball season is over. I haven't been this sad in a long time. Truth be told, I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for all those seniors that aren't going to get to play another meaningful game again. Sure, they might pick up a bat in an adult league game or some slow pitch, beer league softball game, but they won't play another game that meant as much as these PCB games did. 

The weekend started off as well at it could when we shellacked Drexel and mercy ruled them. Then today things took a quick turn for the worse. We hit the ball alright against Delaware, unfortunately they pounded the ball and beat us handily. Which meant we had to play another game against Drexel for a shot at the championship. We battled back and forth and we just came up short. Plain and simple we didn't do enough to win. We had a team talk at the end of the game which made it all a lot more real. Hearing Fitz, Bags, and Cunliffe talk about the season brought it all into perspective. We did a lot of great stuff this year and we have nothing to be ashamed of. But you can't help but feel like there was something else, a feeling like it wasn't supposed to be over just yet.

I didn't know when or where our season would end, only that eventually it would end. I think that we all believed we'd get to play in the World Series. At the very least we all expected one more day together. And the shitty part is that we didn't get that day. Instead, our season ended on a dreary, rainy day in upstate New York. 

I believe I can do two things for these seniors. I can thank them for what they did for me and this team, and I can help move PCB in the right direction next year. Since next year is a while away and today's loss is still stinging, I'll thank the seniors. Thanks Green and Bradburn for always giving me something to laugh about and for showing me how PCB can give you a best friend. Thanks Murr for always having such a positive demeanor and being such a good guy. Thanks Rota for the profession your going into (one I have the utmost respect for) and for the constant reminder that you'd probably beat my ass. Thanks ADP for always giving me a hard time and for throwing absolute gas. Thanks McCue for showing what a great center fielder looks like and for giving us somewhere to have parties/chill. Thanks Bags for a nice WPIAL presence on the team and for being an all around leader. Thanks Greenfield for being one of the most genuinely good guys I've ever met and for teaching me to learn how to love. Thanks Brett for all those stupid quirks of yours that kept the mood light and for welcoming me to the team. Thanks Fitz for everything you did for this team: from giving up playing to putting his entire being into the team. And finally, thanks Cunliffe for all the advice you've given me and got for not cutting me when I showed up to tryouts in black pants and rec specs. 

That takes care of the thank yous for now. Even though no amount of thanks yous would ever be enough to thank these guys for what they did for me this year. 

This year baseball was fun again. It was more fun than it ever was in high school. This year baseball was meaningful and it was competitive. We were competitive. Every time I took the field I expected to win, and honestly that was the first time in a long time that I felt that way. Until regionals we never put out the same lineup two games in a row. It's pretty cool to think that we were able to compete like we did without the same kids on the field. 

Like I said before, we accomplished a lot this year. We had a great record. We went 6-1 in Florida. And for the first time in PCB history we were ranked #1 in the country. 

We didn't do what we planned on doing this year, but we did have some fun and we definitely made some memories. 

As I sit here in this hotel room I can look back on the season and laugh at some of the crazy shit that happened. We didn't make it to the World Series but we made some unforgettable memories, and maybe at the end of the day that's enough. No trophy or ranking in the world would ever be able to replace the memories and friendships I've made this year. 

Looking back to the end of the game I realize I didn't cry. Which is unusual for someone as emotional as me. But I realized why I didn't cry today. Today wasn't for me to cry about. Today wasn't about me and if I cried it would've been me making it about me. Sure, I'm sad that these seniors are gone, but I'm not gonna cry about it because I know that I'll see them all again. 

PCB has been the best part of Pitt so far. There is no debate about it. I'm eternally thankful that the guys didn't cut me (even though after the first day of tryouts I was destined to never play competitive baseball again). I'm already looking forward to next year and dreaming about the possibilities. 

NP: Drive- Incubus 

Oneonta

Some sights you see are humbling beyond belief. After playing an all-around solid game of baseball and coming away with a 12-2 win I was humbled by something I saw when we got back to the hotel parking lot. 

I pulled into the lot way faster than I care to admit, but I slowed down when I saw a young boy walking by himself. From there we saw around 8 or 9 mentally handicapped people headed into the hotel. I guess that Down syndrome doesn't discriminate because this group was as diverse as they come. They were young and old, black and white, big and small. 

As we drove by an older, white woman with a floppy sun hat waved to us with a smile on her face like we were an old friend of hers. So naturally I put my arm out the window and waved back. As we rolled by I heard her exclaim to her friends, "See I know everybody here! Told ya so," and I couldn't help but smile at her little quirk. 

It's events like that where you just have to thank god or whatever greater power you believe in for everything you have. The world isn't fair and not everyone is dealt a proper hand. 

But you know what? Sometimes it's people with the worst draw who seem the happiest, and the people with the best draw who seem the most miserable. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it isn't about what's given to you, it's about how you react to it. (Charles Swindoll said that first but I paraphrased it.)

That's it really. Just a minute of my day that really stuck out to me. 

NP: Nine in the Afternoon- Panic! At the Disco 

Thoughts At Home

So I've been home alone all day since my parents & Jenny are on their way to a wedding. I would've gone, but PCB was supposed to have a series of games in Syracuse this weekend that got cancelled pretty last minute. So for the most part I've spent my day on the couch watching television shows and movies. I started with Die Hard, watched some Rugby, some Antiques Roadshow, and finished off with some Criminal Minds. 

While watching Criminal Minds there was a quote at the end of an episode that I really agreed with. It goes like this...

"There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. People we can't live without but have to let go."

I think each part of that is true in its own respect so I'll talk about each one individually. 

First, "there are things we don't want to happen but have to accept." I guess you could say this sums up my opinion of things when the world seems to be crashing down. In my life I have met a lot of people who stick to the idea that "everything happens for a reason." I'm not one of those people. I don't think that things like the Holocaust or Columbine happened for a reason. Or on a different level something like childhood cancer. You can't give me one good reason why senseless violence or innocent kids dying has to happen. Now I do believe that we can learn from everything that happens. With that being said, I still don't think learning from something like that is a reason for it to happen. Wouldn't the world be a better place had we never learned what mass murder or genocide was? Wouldn't those lives outweigh any knowledge gained? However, awful things happen and evil does exist, and we just have to learn to accept them as they happen. 

"Things we don't want to know but have to learn." I think this goes hand in hand with what I just stated. As we navigate the course of our life we have to learn things we wish we didn't. That's just a part of growing up. Growing up entails a lot of different truths: truths about people and the world around you, truths about your family, and truths about yourself. Sometimes those truths will be ugly, horrible truths and sometimes they'll be spectacular, awe-inspiring truths...but I guess I don't totally agree with the last part of this statement that says "HAVE to learn." Sometime when I was growing up my mom told me a story about the priest at her wedding. She said that the priest told her there were some things better left unsaid. He told her that if it's going to make someone's life better for them to not know then they don't need to know. And I guess I agree with him. Some truths are better left in the back of your mind because sometimes people need to be protected from truths that could hurt them. 

And now, "People we can't live without but have to let go." If you asked me six months ago if I agreed with this statement I'd have a much different answer than I do today. I think that in life we meet four different types of people: people who are just supposed to brush up against us, people supposed to be there for one specific situation, people who come into our lives for a while who have to leave, and people who we'd be stupid not to keep around forever. The brusher uppers are people we pass by on the street and give a friendly hello to. One situation people are the people we meet in high school, at a job, or in college who we have no real connection to but are forced to be around. The ones who have to leave are who the quote is about. They're the people who we learn to love that we can't seem to live without. But the truth of the matter is that we're supposed to live without them, we have to live without them. These are the people you can tell aren't content with what you have to offer or maybe they're at a different stage of their life than you. They're the hardest to let go of because a lot of time, when they leave, we aren't sure why they left. Finally, It should be obvious who we're supposed to keep around forever...they're the people we see ourselves reflected in, the people who bring out the very best in us, and the people who see us for what we really are. Don't let them go. They come in handy. 

That's all I have for today.

NP: JOY- Elli Goulding

Sophomore Year

A few days ago I finished my sophomore year at the University of Pittsburgh. That means I am halfway done with my college career. That fact is one that both intrigues me and scares the living hell out of me. I'm eager to see what the world has in store for me (or rather what I have in store for it), but at the same time I've become so infatuated and at peace in the microcosm that is Oakland. This year was the first year when I would come back from school and be uncertain whether I was returning home or leaving it.

I guess I'm lucky in that sense. Some people never feel that comfortable at school or where they were raised. I guess I have to attribute that to the people I've been surrounded by for my whole life. While perusing various social media sites I'll stumble across various posts or tweets or comments that bash the same place I grew up in. I mean, I get it, the Oakdale/Imperial area isn't exactly the most luxurious place to grow up in. With that being said I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Because if I traded away this place I grew up in, I would be trading away the biggest parts of myself. I owe 95% of who I am today to the people and places within a 10 mile radius of my house.

It isn't glamorous, but it's where I'm from and it's who I am.

And honestly, the kids I see complaining about wanting to get out are the same ones who never do. And for the most part, they're the same kids who think that this town and this school district are holding them back. When in reality they're being afforded every opportunity needed to succeed.

I can say that with 100% certainty because I know that if I fail it won't be because of where I'm from, it'll be because of me.

Luckily, I don't plan on failing.

With all that being said this school year was a great one. I joined two great organizations and met an absurd amount of new people. In a matter of eight months I came in contact with and fell out of touch with dozens of people. I made some new best friends and had some run ins with people I'm not particularly fond of.

I've come to realize that it isn't about how many new contacts you put in your phone, rather it's about the numbers, names, and faces that pop up every day. You know, the names that just can't seem to get rid of in your messages list or your call log. Those are the people that matter. Those are the ones worth a damn.

I think college is as much about grades and learning as it is finding people you give a damn about. Not so much in the sense that you need people to keep you company, but that you need to find something or someone to care about. The fact of the matter is that I'll never care about my academics or my job as much as I care about people. (I think that's pretty intuitive and universally agreed upon, but maybe my redundancy is actually necessary.) So like I said, academics don't carry as much weight as my personal interactions. While it's all well and good to write an A+ paper, it'll always be more rewarding to have a good conversation with a close friend. And taking a chance on a date with a pretty girl will always be more worth it than an extra hour of studying.

That's because when it comes down to it, years from now, what am I going to remember? Will it be the two questions I missed on a psych exam or the polaroid my best friends and I took at a hockey game? I'll soon forget how tired I was on any given Saturday, but what I won't forget are the memories made on my roof the night before.

Nobody reminisces about college and says, "Boy do I wish I slept more." It just doesn't happen like that.

I'm also slowly realizing that it's better to overreact than to come across as apathetic. They don't write books about people who barely care. They write books about the people who gave a shit. The best books are the ones about people who didn't bite their tongue.

The people who spoke out, spoke loudest, and spoke intelligently are the ones who get remembered.

Which means it's better to say what's on your mind than to assume somebody knows it.

If nothing else I like to think I spoke my mind this year. I like to think my words reached more ears than ever before, and I can only hope that they were properly received. Admittedly I'm not as poetic and coherent as I think I am, but maybe, just maybe, I manage to put together something with a little substance from time to time.

With another year in the books (no pun intended) I find myself incessantly checking my term grades, looking for final grades to be posted. But like I said earlier, I'm learning that more and more these grades mean less to me. My boss isn't going to be as concerned with my GPA as he is with both my ability to communicate and my previous experiences. Textbooks don't give you experience. Textbooks give you declarative knowledge but life gives you procedural knowledge. And 9 times out of 10 procedural knowledge will be worth more.

Enough about this schooling mumbo jumbo for now, though.

I just want to thank everyone from this past school year who played a part in making it what it was.

I won't be forgetting any of the memories or friends that I've made this year.

NP: Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Finals Week Blues

So this morning marked the beginning of finals week here at Pitt. Some students will luck out with only one final exam while others will be weighed down with five. I find myself wandering somewhere in the middle with four. I can't complain about them though because two of them are already done and my other two aren't until Thursday.

I guess my main gripe with finals is the sheer amount of knowledge we're expected to memorize. (Note that I didn't say "learn" because I'm not totally convinced the purpose of most college classes is to learn the material.)

Finals week is portrayed in popular media as this horrible, sleep deprived, coffee binged, wish-you-were-dead atmosphere. And truthfully it can fit that exact portrayal if you let it. For example, Thursday I'm going to take an exam for Quant that is worth 40% of my grade. The more exams I take & the more I think about grades or GPAs the less I try care about them.

I've spent too much time beating myself up over the fact I might not keep an insanely high GPA for my throughout my college career. Sadly, it's pounded into young students' minds that you need that GPA to make yourself "marketable" and "employable." How can someone tell me what I'm worth based off of some number? I don't care if it's a 4.0, 3.6, 2.8, or a 2.0. It's a damn number. And sure, that number represents how you've done in your coursework.

But again, I ask, "Who cares?"

Maybe the problem is that I'm equating work success with life success.

Maybe a GPA is essential in finding the best workers, but who's measuring the really important numbers in my life?

What employer is concerned with the number of lives I've touched? Or the number of people I can make smile on a daily basis? Or the percent of my day I spend thinking about the world at large?

I guess that isn't for them to care about.

I just wish my resume wasn't so much about grades and past experiences. I wish it highlighted what I do on a daily basis and what I do each day to better myself.

I think the whole résumé building process is a scam. It's about embellishing our minimum wage jobs to make it look like we've been changing water to wine. "Are you sure you want to put cashier? Couldn't you say, 'Customer Transaction Manager?'" NO. I was a cashier for God's sake! I don't need to bullshit it. It is what it is!

I wish my résumé could be made up solely of comments about me from people in my life. I feel like that would be a far better representation of me than a list of job titles and activities I partake in. Frankly I don't care what jobs a person has worked or the activities they're involved in. I care about how they treat those people around them, how they react under pressure, and what they're made of.

I'd rather learn about someone's moral fiber than about their role in the finance club. I just don't think enough emphasis is put on being a good person or standing for something.

We're here at college for 4 years and when we're done they give us a piece of paper.

That means that after almost 1500 days of our life the only material thing college leaves us with is a lone piece of paper.

Lemme show you a little equation I've come up with to summarize how college works based off of what you're guaranteed to give and guaranteed to receive.

Guaranteed to give:
1461 days of your life
$100,000 of your money

Guaranteed to receive:
1 piece of paper
1 judgment of your employability

That means... 1,460 days+100,000 dollars=1 piece of paper+1 judgment of employability.

Unless we add in another variable.
1,460 days+100,000 dollars= 1 piece of paper+1 judgment of employability+(x)

In my opinion that x is the real reason we come to college. The x is what makes it all worthwhile.

That x includes the relationships we build, the memories we make, the minutes of each day spent realizing that money doesn't matter, and the sheer moments of joy from finding ourselves in the right place at the right time.

Personally that last one is the most important.

There are hundreds of times a semester when I question why I'm here at college. I tell myself it's trivial and that my time could be better spent somewhere else. And then, occasionally, I'll have moments of pure ecstasy. I'll be overcome by the notion that things, even if for just one moment, are exactly how they should be.

You only know those moments when you're in them. Things like hours of uncontrollable laughter with my friends, fleeting seconds where my gaze and smile are reciprocated by a beautiful girl, the rush of adrenaline after finishing a long run, or the 3 blocks of invincibility felt walking right down the middle of Forbes Avenue.

Those are the moments I stick around for.

I swear I've felt it. I must've felt it.

Because what else would keep me going?

Certainly not some piece of paper.

NP: Boy With A Coin- Iron & Wine

Birthday Season

So my 20th birthday was this past Saturday and it has come and gone just as swiftly as it does every year. I had a tough time finding the significance of a twentieth birthday, but a close friend pointed out to me that it's the end of your teenage years. She said that there might be times we're sad that it's over, but that the nice thing is we can always act like a kid, it's something that never leaves us.

Anyway, birthdays are great for a lot of reasons. The most obvious reason being the fact that we get presents.

Whether it's something store bought and material or something sentimental made by hand, the fact of the matter is that presents are fun to get. We can kid ourselves and say that we don't need or want anything for our birthday, but when it comes time to unwrap a present we rip through the wrapping paper like savages.

Another reason birthdays are nice is because we usually get a chance to talk to or see our family when we might not on any other normal day. Without family, birthdays wouldn't mean nearly as much. 

One final reason why birthdays are so great is that you get to see who comes out of the woodwork to wish you a happy birthday. As long as you're enslaved by the social media deathtrap that is Facebook, you will receive impersonal birthday wishes from your virtual 'friends.' I received an enormous amount of Facebook-wished happy birthdays. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I won't ever turn down a happy birthday wish, I'm just saying it only counts for so much. The real birthday wishes are texts, phone calls, or an actual face to face interaction. 

Now that I've spoken in general about birthdays I feel I should talk about my own.

I had an awesome birthday. 

Friday night when midnight rolled around I was surrounded by my teammates. It was nice to spend the first few hours of my birthday with my newest group of friends.

I got to see my family for breakfast a few hours later and it was as delightful and uncensored as usual. It was nice having mom, dad, and Jenny all there. I guess I forget how, um, dynamic my family is when we're all together. (Yes, dynamic is just a polite way of saying that we're dysfunctional and deranged.) In addition to seeing them, it's always nice to show my favorite breakfast place to four new people.

After breakfast I sort of just hung out. Didn't go anywhere or do anything too crazy...Except helping to make a blueberry pie,. That was pretty insane given my baking history. I just hung out and talked and enjoyed my day. And after spending the majority of the day relaxing I got to go to the Pirates game. It was a bit chilly, but it was a gorgeous, clear night and I had great company. Plus it was fireworks night and that was the perfect way to end to my day. 

Looking back I received an incredible amount of birthday texts and calls and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have so many people in my life reaching out to me to make my day special. 

So thank you to everyone who made my day what it was. Whether you were a birthday caller, texter, or whether I got to spend my day with you, you made my day extremely special. 

I'll end with some poetry because why not? 
(Admittedly I just threw this together in a few minutes, so don't expect much from it.)

The Birth of City Lights
I'm born out of darkness, 
shown light for the first time.
So I cry,
for the light is new.
If only I knew then,
how light inspires life.

As I grow,
I befriend the light.
Chasing her,
in her many forms.
Flick a switch for light,
or close your eyes for night.

Over time I've found light,
in early morning sunlight,
and midnight moonlight,
in a candlelight vigil,
and a passing car's headlight.

So I feel I've come to know light,
to love light,
to see light.
Whether light as natural as the stars,
or the glimmering manmade city lights.

I've seen so much light,
contrasting so well with the dark.
And yet,
I don't know the prettier sight.
A firework's glow that lit up the skyline,
or the smile that lit up your face.

NP: Flowers In Your Hair- The Lumineers

Befriend First

Last night I spent the night at Pap's house. My apartment was buzzing with activity and I felt like getting away for the night. I felt so at peace just laying on the couch listening to music. Pap's house will always feel like a home away from home to me.

It's hard to explain, but in his house I felt so small. I'm used to spending nights in my tiny bedroom apartment, but in his house I had so much room to myself. It felt good to feel small. Not small in an unimportant sense, rather in the sense that there is so much space available to me.

Change of pace.

While looking up the Friedrich Nietzsche quote for last night's blog I saw another quote of his that I couldn't agree with more. The quote reads, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." I feel like too many times relationships fail because the people in them don't take the time to become friends first.

In the hookup culture that dominates the lives of my generation it seems to be very rare that you spend time with someone and get to know them as a friend before you become more. I think that's why people get so bored with each other so fast. If you become someone's friend rather than their fling you have a much better chance of keeping them close for a long period of time. People don't fall out of love nearly as often as they get bored, but boredom is often misinterpreted as lost love. Kids (or adults for that matter) are deathly afraid of being bored, so when the first signs of boredom show up, they begin to feel trapped. 

It's just boredom, though! Not lovelessness! 

I'm not claiming to know the key to a long, fruitful relationship. I just think you need to befriend someone before you can love them. 

So maybe the next time you go to "watch a movie" with a girl you like you should do just that. Sit a little bit apart and let the distance between you gradually decrease. You might learn more about her with her slightly out of your reach. 

And again, some more poetry for y'all. 

I Wait Up
I can walk you right to the cusp,

but I cannot come in. 

It's just not my place to be,

at this moment in time. 

But I'll wait up,

for you.

Because when I walk by your side, 

I'm better than when I walk alone.

I try my damnedest, 

to make you realize it.

But I can never tell you,

exactly how to feel. 

But I'll wait up, 

only for you.
When our hands break tie,
you'll go to brave the night.
And I'll be headed back,
to my own less rousing reality.
But if and when you need me,
You know I'm already there.
Since I wait up,
I always wait up,
for you.

NP: I Can Wait Forever- Simple Plan

Eternal Sunshine

So today I watched a great movie with a good friend of mine. The movie was Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I had never heard of the movie until about a month ago, but let me assure you it's worth your time. It features a star-studded cast including Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo, Kirtsen Dunst, and Elijah Wood. The story is about two lovers Joel and Clementine (Carrey and Winslet) who undergo a procedure to have the other wiped from the memory after their relationship goes south. I won't spoil anything for you. All I'll say is that most of the movie is spent showing their interactions and the difficulty that comes along with erasing memories. By the time the end of the movie came I felt like I was missing a part of me.

Needless to say that the movie made me do a lot of thinking. Thinking about love, the past, and memories. To some degree we've all felt heartache at one point or another in our life. I feel I can make that assumption because at one point we've all lost something or someone we cared about. Some will experience more heartache than other's can even imagine, and even though that isn't fair...that's life.

At 19 years old I can look back and remember days where I thought my world was crashing down on me. But even if I was given the opportunity,  I don't think I would erase any one person from my memory.

Eternal Sunshine showed me that if we go back through our memories we'll see the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it also showed me that if we search deep enough we'll find our way to the core and see the very thing we loved most. At the core we find what kept us going, what got our heart racing, and what made us feel something special.

All relationships have the potential to grow sour. Just like all love that is felt can be unfelt. But memories are supposed to be everlasting. And just because something ends or changes or dies off doesn't mean it should be forgotten or erased. If we erased every bad memory we experienced we would never make it anywhere in life.

Without trial and error how would we know when something good stumbles into our life? I don't think we would.

I like looking back to the first time I met someone. Oftentimes I meet someone once or twice before they remember meeting me. Which I like. I like having a memory of them before they knew of me.

It's like my own little secret, or a glimpse of them in a dream. 

It's dreamlike because you remember them being there, but they can't place you for the life of them. 

I guess it's fair to say that you meet people all the time & that oftentimes you meet the same people again for the first time. 

And I like that. 

I've met and re-met some amazing people this semester. People I would never in a million years erase from my mind. 

I'll leave you with a quote from the movie and a part of a poem also used in the movie...

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders." - Friedrich Nietzsche

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d” -Alexander Pope

NP: Bloodstream- Stateless 

more poetry

I don't know what it is, but I just keep cranking out poems. I'll be walking to class & say something to myself, and I act like it's the greatest thing anyone has ever said. So I write it down and then when I get home it all culminates in what you're reading. They're nothing special, probably mediocre at best, but they're original and they mean something to me. I hope you guys enjoy.

You
Being with you is a drug,
or a dream within a dream,

one that I keep coming back to.

And laying next to you a maze,

I don't know which way to go,
so most times I lay motionless and safe.

Staring at you is tranquil, 

there's nowhere else to look,
and nothing else I need to see.

Fleeting moments with my arms around you,

coupled with fleeting words I never utter,
are the very things that eat at me. 

Funny how words unspoken,
carefully thought through and silenced,
are the words that leave me out of breath.

Knowing you is enigmatic,

because trusting you is easy, 

and leaving you is painful, 

but telling you how I feel is somewhere in between. 

When I'm with you I'm lost,
but I'm so very at peace with being lost. 

Maybe because your smile on a lonely day,
is like seeing the stars after months in the city,
it makes me feel I have somewhere I belong. 

And even though we're so physically close,

I wonder how far apart our thoughts are.
Because, you see, the incongruence between perceptions,
could be the downfall of everything. 

Even though all I ever wanted,

was to be whatever you needed.

So if you ever wonder what's on my mind,
late at night, before the lights go out,

chances are, it's you.


The Past

Let's take our pasts & package them up,
move them to the attics of our being.

Out of sight and out of mind,
where none of the present will see it. 

The past will not control the present,
so long as we believe it.

We've been around the world,
met a lot of people.
Kissed more of them than we're proud of,
and felt less joy than we should have.
But those were yesterdays feelings,
and today will never feel that way.

What a sad world it would be if our past was inescapable,

no salvation, no chance for recovery.

But the past is the past,

and the present is a gift.

So leave your baggage behind, 

and show me who you are today.

Spring Break 2014

So this past week was my Spring Break. I was fortunate enough to spend the week playing baseball in Florida. Not only was I lucky enough to go south for the week, but I also got to spend it with some of the best guys I know, my teammates. I'll give you a recap of the week as best I can.

So the Florida trip was a big week for us that was filled with big moments. We went into the week ranked number 3 in the nation. The thing about being ranked number 3 in March is that we haven't really proved to anyone (including ourselves) that we deserve to be there. Also, it means that every loss we have will be viewed under a microscope, and that every team will be gunning for us. We planned on seeing most team's ace. Which is fine. I think we handled the pressure well.

We ended up going 6-1 on the trip with our only loss coming to Marquette. We beat Bowling Green for the first time which was a big thing for us, and we also held off some good teams like Virginia Tech and NC State. I think our mindset after the week shows what we expect from ourselves. When you go 6-1 and aren't totally satisfied you know you have a good team. We shouldn't have dropped that game to Marquette but maybe losing one was good for us. We got hit in the mouth and got to taste defeat. And I don't think anyone liked it very much. I think the trip reminded me what makes a good baseball team as well as a good baseball player. Good teams are ones who put out a consistent lineup even when they aren't using the same players in each position. I feel like, for the most part, we did that. Good teams also win and lose together and I think we did that as well. Good teams eat together, play together, party together, laugh together, and pick each other up. This week in Florida we did all of that. I also got to watch my teammates and I realized our team is made up of individually sound players. We have guys on the team who know their role. Middle relievers know they might come in and throw one inning, and they work hard to do that to the best of their ability. Other guys know they might be called on to pinch hit or pinch run at any point. And I think everyone is okay with their role. So not only do we have good players, but we have a good team. And a good team dynamic made up of good players is going to be tough to beat. Also, it was sweet seeing a decent fan base in Florida. Whether it was players' parents or the softball team it felt good having support so many miles from home. (So thank you to anyone who came and watched our games!) It was also fun to go support the softball team at their games. I'm sure I'll find myself at some more of their games as the semester wears on.

Like I said the week was filled with big moments. Moments like beating Bowling Green. But it was also filled with little moments made up of comments said in passing. Like when Pat and I drove to pick up the guys from the bar and Pat said "I love country music because it makes you think about the small moments. But, like, when you're listening you know exactly how to feel. Like those small moments feel a lot bigger and more significant. Like this song right here, it reminds me of my ex girlfriend." And Pat was right, country music does give you that nostalgic feeling that makes a small moment feel significantly larger. I guess the real point behind this isn't that country music makes you feel a certain way, the point is that this past week was filled with smaller moments that will mean a lot to me for years to come. They're small moments, but they're moments with some of my best friends, and that's why they'll never fade. 

Looking back on this past week I have some shocking stats to reflect on. I spent a day and a half (~36 hours) in the car with Fitz, Bagdz, and Greenfield, and I spent 7 nights in a room with Semetti, Schroll, and Toby. 

That's a lot of time with the same people. And honestly I didn't get bored or tired of anybody I was with. I couldn't have asked for better roommates or teammates to spend my week with. 

We went to Florida thinking we were a good, cohesive team. But I think we left Florida knowing we're even more than that. 

We're a group of best friends intent on picking each other up and never letting each other down. 

And that is a dynamic that's hard to match.

NP: Cocoa Butter Kisses- Chance The Rapper