Since I started my blog the longest I've ever gone without posting a blog is a month. This will be my first blog post in over two months and I'm having a tough time coming to terms with why that is. I've started about 10 blog posts in the last two months and each one ended up the same way...deleted. Maybe it's because I feel like everything I have to say has already been said, or because I feel like the topics are lackluster, or maybe it's because I'm not sure anyone really cares to read what I have to say anymore. (Or maybe it's because my high school self believed himself to be more poetic than I feel I am now.)
Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.
I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.
College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)
In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.
College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.
College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.
Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.
It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."
Til next time.
NP: Riptide - Vance Joy
Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.
I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.
College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)
In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.
College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.
College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.
Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.
It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."
Til next time.
NP: Riptide - Vance Joy
No comments:
Post a Comment