College life starts on Sunday. Classes start on Wednesday. Somewhere soon after, or in the middle, drinking will begin. I know that there will be plenty of alcohol consumed in my presence and I'm realizing I don't think I will ever fully be okay with it.
I will never drink.
It's that plain and simple. I never will.
I don't need it as a social stimulant or as a way of coping with things. Frankly, I think that anyone who can't cope with their problems without the use of drugs or alcohol is weak.
To me drinking is pointless. Others see some sort of benefit in it and that's fine. People say that when a person drinks they don't hold anything back, that they're fully being themselves. I guess that's why they call it "liquid courage". I'm courageous enough to be myself without drinking.
I know who I am and I embrace it. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and I never have.
From time to time it's nice to stop and truly evaluate the person you are. Obviously these evaluations are subjective, very rare is it that a person can give a truly objective view of themselves.
I'll do my best to keep this as objective as possible.
I am a college bound, eighteen year old kid who is scared shitless. I'm scared of the coursework, of not fitting in, of not making friends, and of missing everyone back home. At this point my home makes me feel homesick and I'm praying that Fordham feels better. I'm excited for college and anxious. I'll admit I miss my best friends a ton already. I'll also be the first to admit I am a jealous and worried kid. I am a good friend and a protective friend too. I'm protective, jealous, and worried because I care more than most people do. I believe I'm a good looking kid, to a point. I feel like my ability to connect with people and my caring nature greatly surpass my looks. I sometimes feel like looks are my shortcoming. I also feel like I'm one of the most genuinely good guys you will ever meet. I'm deathly afraid of not being enough. I'm deathly afraid of losing people. When I say losing I mean losing them as what I had them as, be it a friend or more. I feel sick to my stomach at this very instant. I'm a vulnerable kid. From time to time I'm mentally weak and I try to compensate for it with physical strength. I'm a trustworthy person, but I hardly ever fully trust someone. I'm a vulnerable kid who has been hurt before. I have a past, and my family has a dark past. My dark past has made me everything I am today. It has hurt me, but it has never stopped me from loving. I'm in love.
I don't drink.
In my world: Alcohol=Pain.
In my world: Pain starts with A. An A for alcohol.
NP: Daylight- Maroon 5
You'll do great in school, Roger. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you'll go on and do great things during your lifetime. Just be patient and never lose yourself. Thanks for being my second little brother all these years. =]
ReplyDeleteLove always,
Your Sort-of Sister =]