I remember a time I used to love to go shopping. Now, I dread shopping like the plague. It doesn't matter how bad I want something I refuse to buy it. Before I pick something up in the store I ask myself, Do I need this?" Somehow the answer is always no.
Dad not having a job has killed any desire to shop for myself. Our family simply doesn't have the money. I try to save the little bit of money I've made so that my mom doesn't have to give me money next year at college.
I'm not trying to whine or complain here, it's just the truth. The other truth is that I am going to come out of college with a disgusting amount of debt.
I guess that college is a necessary debt. Everyone I talk to seems to think it's going to pay off. I sure hope it does. The way Pap and Coach Palko talk a good paying job is just around the corner after I graduate college. Sadly, Pap still thinks I want to be an accountant. Truth be told I'm not sure what I want to be.
I don't want to be some CPA and sit crunching numbers for thirty years. I'd love to be a writer, but we all know that isn't the most prosperous field. I would like working with the CIA or FBI doing forensic accounting, but getting into that career would also be difficult. The last idea that sounds enticing is a comedian. Heck, I find myself to be pretty funny and so do most of my peers. That'd be a hell of a life, cracking jokes and making money from it. (Again, not the most practical.)
If there is one thing I've learned about money in the past four years it's that it really isn't everything. The Beatles said it best with their song "Can't Buy Me Love." It really can't. I've found the importance of money and I've learned to prioritize my spending. I could buy myself a shirt or some new shoes, or I could save my money for something more important...something like taking a pretty girl to lunch and to the movies. That is money well spent.
NP: Can't Buy Me Love- The Beatles
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Pap's House
I'm just sitting on Pap's couch watching SportsCenter and I love this place. Pap's Oakland home has a very modern look in most of it. It's very spacious and even though it's in Oakland he has a decent backyard. Oakland is the kind of place I want to live when I get older. I like that there are so many places to walk and so much to do. Every Sunday my grandpa walks to St. Paul's Cathedral for church. You know I'm not big on church, but I like that he can walk almost anywhere he needs to go.
The best part of this house is the basement. The basement is where my grandpa's wine cellar is and is where you can find the remnants of Herbst Road. Herbst Road is the street where Pap and Nan lived for the majority of my childhood. The basement here has the couches from Herbst Road as well as some other artifacts that only family would recognize.
Artifacts like a rocking horse and little blue chairs that had each grandchild's name on it. Little toys that I played with, that my older cousins played with, that my little cousins still play with.
The sad thing is that my young cousins Jack and Charlie don't know where those toys came. They never knew Herbst Road, and they never knew their grandmother. They know Joyce though. So at least they have her. She treats them like her own and it's a beautiful thing to see.
It's just crazy how Jack is almost 10 but he never knew Nan. I wonder if Uncle Danny ever talks about her.
I wonder about a lot of things in this family.
NP: Best Day Ever- Mac Miller
The best part of this house is the basement. The basement is where my grandpa's wine cellar is and is where you can find the remnants of Herbst Road. Herbst Road is the street where Pap and Nan lived for the majority of my childhood. The basement here has the couches from Herbst Road as well as some other artifacts that only family would recognize.
Artifacts like a rocking horse and little blue chairs that had each grandchild's name on it. Little toys that I played with, that my older cousins played with, that my little cousins still play with.
The sad thing is that my young cousins Jack and Charlie don't know where those toys came. They never knew Herbst Road, and they never knew their grandmother. They know Joyce though. So at least they have her. She treats them like her own and it's a beautiful thing to see.
It's just crazy how Jack is almost 10 but he never knew Nan. I wonder if Uncle Danny ever talks about her.
I wonder about a lot of things in this family.
NP: Best Day Ever- Mac Miller
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
forgot to mention
I forgot to mention how the game went yesterday. It was crap. We lost 4 to 3 after getting screwed out of a run. I went 0 for 3 but I put the ball in play every time...small victory you know?
Thankfully that game meant nothing and today we get to play another game, a section game, a game that means something. I hope I show up and play as well as I know I can. I hate feeling like I've let my teammates down. Hell, I hate letting anybody down.
Searching for my first hit in a while...
Thankfully that game meant nothing and today we get to play another game, a section game, a game that means something. I hope I show up and play as well as I know I can. I hate feeling like I've let my teammates down. Hell, I hate letting anybody down.
Searching for my first hit in a while...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
hard to say
Have you ever been a part of something that makes no sense at all and somehow its senselessness makes perfect sense?
I am.
I don't know where it started. I don't know how it started. I don't know when it started. I just know it started.
I can't explain it to you because I don't understand it. I don't feel the need to understand it though.
I've tried to put a date on it or an explanation to it, but there is no explanation or date. It's simply there.
It really boggles the mind. Then again, at 1:15 in the morning, not much does make sense.
What makes sense to me right now is do what makes you happy, keep those you love close, and don't ever be afraid of the end.
The end isn't something to be afraid of. Never beginning is the truly scary thing.
"If you prevent something from beginning then it cannot end, and if something cannot end it isn't something worth having at all."
Let it begin, let it grow, and if it has to, let it end. But promise me you will give it a chance.
NP: Forever and Always- Parachute
I am.
I don't know where it started. I don't know how it started. I don't know when it started. I just know it started.
I can't explain it to you because I don't understand it. I don't feel the need to understand it though.
I've tried to put a date on it or an explanation to it, but there is no explanation or date. It's simply there.
It really boggles the mind. Then again, at 1:15 in the morning, not much does make sense.
What makes sense to me right now is do what makes you happy, keep those you love close, and don't ever be afraid of the end.
The end isn't something to be afraid of. Never beginning is the truly scary thing.
"If you prevent something from beginning then it cannot end, and if something cannot end it isn't something worth having at all."
Let it begin, let it grow, and if it has to, let it end. But promise me you will give it a chance.
NP: Forever and Always- Parachute
Suiting Up
Today I'll swing a bat for the first time in over a month and a half. It'll be my first plate appearance since I ended my high school career by hitting into a double play. I'll get a chance to redeem myself, but sadly it won't really mean anything. Sure it'll be nice if i get a hit or two, but in all reality it's nothing like high school baseball. I won't have my school's jersey on. Instead, it'll be a travel team jersey. Hell yeah I'm excited to run back out into the outfield and chase down some fly balls, I just wish it was for my school.
At my grad party the other day I sat with Mr. Malone, Mikey O's grandpa, and reminisced about baseball memories. Memories like both tournaments in Erie. Like when JC gave up the monster walk-off home run to Erenberg.
Those talks brought up other memories. Memories of eighth and ninth grade baseball with Kropf. Of little league playing with a broken arm. Of our many O'Donnell, DiSanti, Forse dynasties. Memories of playing for Mr. Graziani in Findlay. It reminded me the course I traveled before becoming an outfielder.
The course from tee ball to high school baseball as far as positions you play is usually very similar for a lot of players (excluding lefties.) When you are little if you are athletic they put you in the infield, usually either second base or shortstop. Whenever the wonderful world of "stolen bases" enters the game athletes are moved to catcher. From there you can run the gauntlet. Either stay stuck at catcher, return to the middle infield, or in my case get sent to the outfield to run down fly balls. Most kids also get their fair share of pitching. (Luckily for me I always sucked at it.)
Standing out in the outfield today I'm sure I'll reminisce about the days I spent crouched down behind the plate or the times playing shortstop. I'll remember different catches I've made in the outfield. When I hear the crack of the bat against the ball a different instinct will kick in though. When the ball hits the bat the only thing I'm thinking about is catching the ball.
It's a nice feeling when you can truly hone in on one thing and put all your energy into it.
The last thought I'll have as I take off my spikes after today's game will be, "When is the next time I'll be putting these on?"
I'm not guaranteed another game.
Come to think of it, I'm not guaranteed anything.
I think I'm going to try to walk on to Fordham's team next year. I figure I have nothing to lose. The coach from LaRoche had asked me to come play center field for them at the end of our high school season but that wasn't for me.
Maybe I'll be a Ram baseball player next year...just maybe.
NP: Work Out- J Cole
At my grad party the other day I sat with Mr. Malone, Mikey O's grandpa, and reminisced about baseball memories. Memories like both tournaments in Erie. Like when JC gave up the monster walk-off home run to Erenberg.
Those talks brought up other memories. Memories of eighth and ninth grade baseball with Kropf. Of little league playing with a broken arm. Of our many O'Donnell, DiSanti, Forse dynasties. Memories of playing for Mr. Graziani in Findlay. It reminded me the course I traveled before becoming an outfielder.
The course from tee ball to high school baseball as far as positions you play is usually very similar for a lot of players (excluding lefties.) When you are little if you are athletic they put you in the infield, usually either second base or shortstop. Whenever the wonderful world of "stolen bases" enters the game athletes are moved to catcher. From there you can run the gauntlet. Either stay stuck at catcher, return to the middle infield, or in my case get sent to the outfield to run down fly balls. Most kids also get their fair share of pitching. (Luckily for me I always sucked at it.)
Standing out in the outfield today I'm sure I'll reminisce about the days I spent crouched down behind the plate or the times playing shortstop. I'll remember different catches I've made in the outfield. When I hear the crack of the bat against the ball a different instinct will kick in though. When the ball hits the bat the only thing I'm thinking about is catching the ball.
It's a nice feeling when you can truly hone in on one thing and put all your energy into it.
The last thought I'll have as I take off my spikes after today's game will be, "When is the next time I'll be putting these on?"
I'm not guaranteed another game.
Come to think of it, I'm not guaranteed anything.
I think I'm going to try to walk on to Fordham's team next year. I figure I have nothing to lose. The coach from LaRoche had asked me to come play center field for them at the end of our high school season but that wasn't for me.
Maybe I'll be a Ram baseball player next year...just maybe.
NP: Work Out- J Cole
Monday, June 25, 2012
it's not about the money, money, money
Yesterday I had my grad party and I won't go into the specifics of it, but I made a decent amount of money from it.
To me it isn't about the money. I would've had just as much fun if I made $500 as if I made $50,000. It's about the company that surrounded me yesterday. The only thing I like about the money is deciphering it. I like looking into where it came from.
I opened around forty cards yesterday. About half were filled with checks and half had straight cash. Checks come across as more professional, more white collar. Cash seems to be more blue collar.
You can see how the cash was earned by the shape it's in. Some cash was hard earned; rips, crumpled bills, and slight tears show the money has exchanged hands many times.
20s, 10s, and 5s are the most exchanged. They're the easiest to come by.
100s and 50s are most times very crisp bills.
Oftentimes you see the name on the card and wonder how they could afford to give as much as they did.
It isn't about whether the person gave a lot or a little relative to their income. It's the fact that they came and spent time with me on my day.
Family came from far and wide and friends made sure they stopped by. A select few that I didn't expect to see even showed up for a while. Some left and came back multiple times and others were there for the entirety. Different partygoers show different attitudes toward the graduate. Leaving and coming back shows they're there for you but have to stop other places. It shows they care enough to show you their loyalty and at the end of the day they want to be with you. Staying the whole time shows another sense of loyalty. They want you to know they're there for you and that they aren't leaving until the end. Some people never showed up.
Grad parties show you a lot about the friends you have. It also shows you a lot about how people earn their money and how easily they give it away. All in all my friends and family were very generous.
The best gifts weren't cash though. They were a picture frame, a movie, a coffee maker, and marbles.
Back to regular life now...
NP: If I Ruled The World- Nas
To me it isn't about the money. I would've had just as much fun if I made $500 as if I made $50,000. It's about the company that surrounded me yesterday. The only thing I like about the money is deciphering it. I like looking into where it came from.
I opened around forty cards yesterday. About half were filled with checks and half had straight cash. Checks come across as more professional, more white collar. Cash seems to be more blue collar.
You can see how the cash was earned by the shape it's in. Some cash was hard earned; rips, crumpled bills, and slight tears show the money has exchanged hands many times.
20s, 10s, and 5s are the most exchanged. They're the easiest to come by.
100s and 50s are most times very crisp bills.
Oftentimes you see the name on the card and wonder how they could afford to give as much as they did.
It isn't about whether the person gave a lot or a little relative to their income. It's the fact that they came and spent time with me on my day.
Family came from far and wide and friends made sure they stopped by. A select few that I didn't expect to see even showed up for a while. Some left and came back multiple times and others were there for the entirety. Different partygoers show different attitudes toward the graduate. Leaving and coming back shows they're there for you but have to stop other places. It shows they care enough to show you their loyalty and at the end of the day they want to be with you. Staying the whole time shows another sense of loyalty. They want you to know they're there for you and that they aren't leaving until the end. Some people never showed up.
Grad parties show you a lot about the friends you have. It also shows you a lot about how people earn their money and how easily they give it away. All in all my friends and family were very generous.
The best gifts weren't cash though. They were a picture frame, a movie, a coffee maker, and marbles.
Back to regular life now...
NP: If I Ruled The World- Nas
Sunday, June 24, 2012
That Guy
I like to think of myself as a reliable guy. I like getting random texts from friends asking for help on something. I like going out of my way to make sure a friend is okay.
I enjoy those responsibilities.
I like when people rely on me.
I just want to have people to rely on. I have a select few I can rely on for anything.
Some people are spotty though. That's alright, you just need to know how much to expect from each person.
And sadly there are people I would do anything for, people that wouldn't return the favor.
I'm okay with that though.
Sometimes pouring yourself into a situation where you aren't going to get anything back is needed. It's not a matter of reciprocation, it's a matter of being a good person and caring for someone.
Oftentimes I care too much.
Caring is what you have to do. Caring is key. Caring too much can never, ever be wrong.
That's how I feel at least.
Hey, I'm just trying to be that guy.
So help me out by doing this...
care endlessly
rely on me
let me rely on you
text me randomly just to chat
NP: Of The Soul- Mac Miller
I enjoy those responsibilities.
I like when people rely on me.
I just want to have people to rely on. I have a select few I can rely on for anything.
Some people are spotty though. That's alright, you just need to know how much to expect from each person.
And sadly there are people I would do anything for, people that wouldn't return the favor.
I'm okay with that though.
Sometimes pouring yourself into a situation where you aren't going to get anything back is needed. It's not a matter of reciprocation, it's a matter of being a good person and caring for someone.
Oftentimes I care too much.
Caring is what you have to do. Caring is key. Caring too much can never, ever be wrong.
That's how I feel at least.
Hey, I'm just trying to be that guy.
So help me out by doing this...
care endlessly
rely on me
let me rely on you
text me randomly just to chat
NP: Of The Soul- Mac Miller
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Raging
A few nights ago I realized why I hate drinking so much.
I don't even have to be around the drinking, just knowing about it scares me.
It makes me so mad because I'm afraid of losing people close to me.
All my experiences with loved ones and alcohol are experiences where I lost someone.
My Dad.
Grammy.
A four year relationship.
And now, when I see someone close to me drinking, I assume the worst.
It's got to the point where my entire body is shaking uncontrollably. I can't even sit still. I have to get up and clean or do some sort of workout because if I didn't I will break my hand off of something.
Raging is scary. I can't handle it. And all this made me realize was that I'm not as strong as I thought I was...
That's tough for me to say. I'm not as strong as I once thought.
I'm strong in the sense of holding true to my values, but I'm weak in dealing with certain situations that come along. I realized that I'd hold true to my values even if I wanted to do something that was against them.
College is going to be interesting when I'm surrounded by drinking. I'm afraid I just won't fit in very well.
Oh well.
Later twitches.
NP: Get Buck In Here
I don't even have to be around the drinking, just knowing about it scares me.
It makes me so mad because I'm afraid of losing people close to me.
All my experiences with loved ones and alcohol are experiences where I lost someone.
My Dad.
Grammy.
A four year relationship.
And now, when I see someone close to me drinking, I assume the worst.
It's got to the point where my entire body is shaking uncontrollably. I can't even sit still. I have to get up and clean or do some sort of workout because if I didn't I will break my hand off of something.
Raging is scary. I can't handle it. And all this made me realize was that I'm not as strong as I thought I was...
That's tough for me to say. I'm not as strong as I once thought.
I'm strong in the sense of holding true to my values, but I'm weak in dealing with certain situations that come along. I realized that I'd hold true to my values even if I wanted to do something that was against them.
College is going to be interesting when I'm surrounded by drinking. I'm afraid I just won't fit in very well.
Oh well.
Later twitches.
NP: Get Buck In Here
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
it's hard sometimes
Sometimes I think my words get me in trouble. I preach on this blog. I preach things that I wholeheartedly believe in. I have never said something I didn't firmly believe to be the truth or the right thing to do.
With that being said I'm an eighteen year old boy.
I'm far from perfect.
If I went my whole life and did exactly what I preached I would literally be like Jesus Christ.
I'm not though.
And I never will be.
98% of the time I do as I say and I say as I do.
98% isn't perfect though. And I realize it never will be.
That means that sadly I'll never be the "perfect" guy for any girl. Maybe I'll be the right guy, the guy a girl deserves, or the guy a girl wants, but I will never ever be perfect...
If there is one thing I know for certain other than the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow it's that I will make mistakes.
I guarantee imperfection, and you know what?
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to use the fact that everyone else makes mistakes as a crutch for my mistakes because I'm not everyone else. I'm different. Maybe not by much, but I'm not like most other eighteen year olds.
I've made mistakes and continue to make them everyday. Some mistakes hurt more than others. Some mistakes change people's opinions of me. But do you know what the saddest type of mistake is?
The saddest type of mistake is one where you begin to question yourself.
The most painful thing you'll ever feel in this world is the feeling you've let yourself down. Feeling like you aren't as good a person as you thought you were. That's the toughest pain a person can feel.
From time to time I ask myself if I'm as good a person as I think I am.
Funny thing is I rarely answer that question.
I don't answer because at the end of the day I'm only as good as I perceive myself to be.
I'm only as good as my actions not my words.
I'm only 18.
I'm not perfect.
I am sorry though.
Sorry that from time to time I'm put on a pedestal. Sorry that I bring this upon myself.
I'm sorry that I can't practice exactly what I preach. All I can do is strive to be that top 98%.
Nobody can be right all the time, and in fact very few are right the majority of the time.
I'm going to keep practicing what I preach and you all just have to trust me that I won't let you down.
I thrive on that trust so please believe in me.
Give me that chance to be the imperfectly perfect person in your life.
"You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?"
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5
With that being said I'm an eighteen year old boy.
I'm far from perfect.
If I went my whole life and did exactly what I preached I would literally be like Jesus Christ.
I'm not though.
And I never will be.
98% of the time I do as I say and I say as I do.
98% isn't perfect though. And I realize it never will be.
That means that sadly I'll never be the "perfect" guy for any girl. Maybe I'll be the right guy, the guy a girl deserves, or the guy a girl wants, but I will never ever be perfect...
If there is one thing I know for certain other than the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow it's that I will make mistakes.
I guarantee imperfection, and you know what?
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to use the fact that everyone else makes mistakes as a crutch for my mistakes because I'm not everyone else. I'm different. Maybe not by much, but I'm not like most other eighteen year olds.
I've made mistakes and continue to make them everyday. Some mistakes hurt more than others. Some mistakes change people's opinions of me. But do you know what the saddest type of mistake is?
The saddest type of mistake is one where you begin to question yourself.
The most painful thing you'll ever feel in this world is the feeling you've let yourself down. Feeling like you aren't as good a person as you thought you were. That's the toughest pain a person can feel.
From time to time I ask myself if I'm as good a person as I think I am.
Funny thing is I rarely answer that question.
I don't answer because at the end of the day I'm only as good as I perceive myself to be.
I'm only as good as my actions not my words.
I'm only 18.
I'm not perfect.
I am sorry though.
Sorry that from time to time I'm put on a pedestal. Sorry that I bring this upon myself.
I'm sorry that I can't practice exactly what I preach. All I can do is strive to be that top 98%.
Nobody can be right all the time, and in fact very few are right the majority of the time.
I'm going to keep practicing what I preach and you all just have to trust me that I won't let you down.
I thrive on that trust so please believe in me.
Give me that chance to be the imperfectly perfect person in your life.
"You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?"
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5
Hi Again
Hey there. Sorry the blogging has been spotty recently, all these vacations are kicking my ass. Anyway I'll leave you with some Disney love again tonight. Just my observations of two movies in Disney that I saw in the Mickey's Philarmagic.
The first movie was The Little Mermaid. These observations are basically just the idea that these movies very much apply to life today. Ariel sees something she wants more than anything in this world, a life on land, and she makes a deal to get it. It just goes back to the idea of wanting what we can't have and having to make sacrifices to get there.
Isn't that always the way it is? We see something we want and we say we're willing to do anything to have it. We're willing to make a deal with the devil to get there. The thing about wanting something that bad is the sacrifices that have to be made. Something with that magnitude of importance is going to require a serious amount of sacrifice in most cases. Most people aren't willing to make those sacrifices. I like to think that I am, but who knows what lengths I would go to for what I want most? I'm not even sure. I think I'd do most anything for it though.
The second movie observation I made was in Aladdin. It isn't so much an observation as it is a recognition that Aladdin is a great plot. I love how the poor "street rat" kid goes in and wins over a princess. He wants to show her a whole new world. Isn't that what every guy wants? To be that Arabian prince on a flying carpet taking a girl's breath away? (okay maybe that's just mine) Anyway I think it's a great plot and a great story. Disney did it right there. It speaks of change. Of the good guy finishing first. Of love being enough. Of being the change somebody wants and needs.
It's tough to find a movie I like more than that at this moment. I like how Aladdin worked his magic....
It's just a damn shame I don't have a genie to help me out, God knows I could use it.
NP: A Whole New World
The first movie was The Little Mermaid. These observations are basically just the idea that these movies very much apply to life today. Ariel sees something she wants more than anything in this world, a life on land, and she makes a deal to get it. It just goes back to the idea of wanting what we can't have and having to make sacrifices to get there.
Isn't that always the way it is? We see something we want and we say we're willing to do anything to have it. We're willing to make a deal with the devil to get there. The thing about wanting something that bad is the sacrifices that have to be made. Something with that magnitude of importance is going to require a serious amount of sacrifice in most cases. Most people aren't willing to make those sacrifices. I like to think that I am, but who knows what lengths I would go to for what I want most? I'm not even sure. I think I'd do most anything for it though.
The second movie observation I made was in Aladdin. It isn't so much an observation as it is a recognition that Aladdin is a great plot. I love how the poor "street rat" kid goes in and wins over a princess. He wants to show her a whole new world. Isn't that what every guy wants? To be that Arabian prince on a flying carpet taking a girl's breath away? (okay maybe that's just mine) Anyway I think it's a great plot and a great story. Disney did it right there. It speaks of change. Of the good guy finishing first. Of love being enough. Of being the change somebody wants and needs.
It's tough to find a movie I like more than that at this moment. I like how Aladdin worked his magic....
It's just a damn shame I don't have a genie to help me out, God knows I could use it.
NP: A Whole New World
Sunday, June 17, 2012
i'm so sorry
It's been far too long, but I'm back and I have some ideas to run by y'all. Hopefully you all read my Disney Day 1 blog and I'd just like to assure you all that the rest of my trip was just as enjoyable. Disney is an awesome place for so many reasons.
One thing I saw in Disney is that it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor in Disney. Obviously the things you can do, the parks you visit, and the food you eat will be different depending on your social standing, but Disney is just as magical to everyone.
I saw little girls of various backgrounds getting the chance to be little princesses. Disney has elaborate tiaras and crowns but if your family can't afford that, cheaper sashes that say princess on it are for sale. Disney gives every little girl a chance to be a princess, and that's a chance every little girl deserves.
Watching little kids' faces light up when they see a Disney character warms the heart. Even a grinch couldn't help but smile at the magic that surrounds Disney.
I have some other ideas I'll run by later, this was just to wet the lips.
NP: Wear My Hat- Mac Miller
One thing I saw in Disney is that it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor in Disney. Obviously the things you can do, the parks you visit, and the food you eat will be different depending on your social standing, but Disney is just as magical to everyone.
I saw little girls of various backgrounds getting the chance to be little princesses. Disney has elaborate tiaras and crowns but if your family can't afford that, cheaper sashes that say princess on it are for sale. Disney gives every little girl a chance to be a princess, and that's a chance every little girl deserves.
Watching little kids' faces light up when they see a Disney character warms the heart. Even a grinch couldn't help but smile at the magic that surrounds Disney.
I have some other ideas I'll run by later, this was just to wet the lips.
NP: Wear My Hat- Mac Miller
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Disney Part 1
I flew first class today down to Tampa. Don't ask me how nice it was though because the only thing I took advantage of was the sleeping mask. Slept the entirety of both flights. It was awesome.
Our trip is pretty laid out. Three meals a day all inclusive and we're going to all the parks and the water parks as well.
There really is nowhere in the world like Disney. Walking around you just want the people closest to you to be there with you. The last time I was here my Nan was alive. The nature of how we got to this trip is quite humorous so I'll share it with you.
My Pap wanted Joyce to take him to Disney world for his 75th birthday. Instead of taking him to Disney....she took him to London. (Huge let down, I know. What was she thinking?)
Anyway, now, at 76, Pap decided he would spite Joyce by taking us to Disney and not invite her.
Disney is great. Not just for kids, or middle age people, but for people like Pap. Watching Pap walk around he seems more full of life. He strides ahead of Jenny, Maura, and myself with ease. He turns around only to ask where we want to go...It's a beautiful thing really, watching a man who worked so hard his whole life enjoy himself like that. He deserves it more than most.
The highlight of Pap's day had to have been the laser and firework show which we just returned from a little bit ago. He was ecstatic. It was pouring down rain and the four of us were huddled up in our ponchos but I'll be damned if we left before the last firework went off.
NP: Pandora Sleep Station
Our trip is pretty laid out. Three meals a day all inclusive and we're going to all the parks and the water parks as well.
There really is nowhere in the world like Disney. Walking around you just want the people closest to you to be there with you. The last time I was here my Nan was alive. The nature of how we got to this trip is quite humorous so I'll share it with you.
My Pap wanted Joyce to take him to Disney world for his 75th birthday. Instead of taking him to Disney....she took him to London. (Huge let down, I know. What was she thinking?)
Anyway, now, at 76, Pap decided he would spite Joyce by taking us to Disney and not invite her.
Disney is great. Not just for kids, or middle age people, but for people like Pap. Watching Pap walk around he seems more full of life. He strides ahead of Jenny, Maura, and myself with ease. He turns around only to ask where we want to go...It's a beautiful thing really, watching a man who worked so hard his whole life enjoy himself like that. He deserves it more than most.
The highlight of Pap's day had to have been the laser and firework show which we just returned from a little bit ago. He was ecstatic. It was pouring down rain and the four of us were huddled up in our ponchos but I'll be damned if we left before the last firework went off.
NP: Pandora Sleep Station
Friday, June 8, 2012
how am I feeling?
I have no idea. I feel guilty when I haven't done anything to feel guilty about. I feel like I'm so full of hate. I feel like I've become arrogant. What makes me think I'm any better than these kids I claim to be better than? How am I any different? How am I any better?
Why is it that I despise when people don't agree with me? Why do I always seem to disagree with everyone?
How can people see good in the people I've come to despise?
"Oh I like most of them."
Well I hate them.
I could go on for days talking about what I dislike in people. And I'm sure one of you would say, "Why can't you just look for the good in them?"
Well I can't look for it because I don't have the time. If someone comes across as a piece of crap to me, I'm not going to waste my time searching for a speck of good in them. Sorry, but I don't want to waste my time doing that.
And that right there is what I don't get. Why am I so pessimistic about finding good in people?
I guess I hate what I don't understand. And what I don't understand is almost everything. Everyone around me confuses me. Worst of all I'm not sure I know myself right now.
I feel misunderstood. I feel like nobody knows me and that nobody ever will.
I just want to know who is going to save me when I fall. Sooner or later we all fall, I just don't know who's going to catch me.
I wish I could explain to you all how I feel right now. I feel lost. Maybe it's just been a long day or maybe this has been building up for a while.
I have a feeling that sometime soon everything I've been holding back is going to come out. To everyone. I'm really unsure of what's coming. I'm unsure of most things. I'm unsure as to why I'm going to post this depressing blog. I feel like I have to. Because this blog is going to serve as a memory later on. I want this to be a book. I want to turn this blog into a book. A book for everyone to read, to see what life is like for the average sober high school senior. I'm not sure people will understand it. But if they do, they'll understand this blog as a bad day. As a down point in a good life. As a chapter that brings you down. Luckily, the only thing I'm certain about is that the sun will rise tomorrow. That means enlightenment, and a new day.
Why is it that I despise when people don't agree with me? Why do I always seem to disagree with everyone?
How can people see good in the people I've come to despise?
"Oh I like most of them."
Well I hate them.
I could go on for days talking about what I dislike in people. And I'm sure one of you would say, "Why can't you just look for the good in them?"
Well I can't look for it because I don't have the time. If someone comes across as a piece of crap to me, I'm not going to waste my time searching for a speck of good in them. Sorry, but I don't want to waste my time doing that.
And that right there is what I don't get. Why am I so pessimistic about finding good in people?
I guess I hate what I don't understand. And what I don't understand is almost everything. Everyone around me confuses me. Worst of all I'm not sure I know myself right now.
I feel misunderstood. I feel like nobody knows me and that nobody ever will.
I just want to know who is going to save me when I fall. Sooner or later we all fall, I just don't know who's going to catch me.
I wish I could explain to you all how I feel right now. I feel lost. Maybe it's just been a long day or maybe this has been building up for a while.
I have a feeling that sometime soon everything I've been holding back is going to come out. To everyone. I'm really unsure of what's coming. I'm unsure of most things. I'm unsure as to why I'm going to post this depressing blog. I feel like I have to. Because this blog is going to serve as a memory later on. I want this to be a book. I want to turn this blog into a book. A book for everyone to read, to see what life is like for the average sober high school senior. I'm not sure people will understand it. But if they do, they'll understand this blog as a bad day. As a down point in a good life. As a chapter that brings you down. Luckily, the only thing I'm certain about is that the sun will rise tomorrow. That means enlightenment, and a new day.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
perceptions
We're constantly told different things. Different people have different perceptions of us.
We perceive ourselves one way and usually other's perceptions are different from our own.
I've been told I live too much in the present and that in the long run I might get hurt. I've been called an ass more times than I can count. I'm considered by almost all as vulgar. I'm told by a few that I'm handsome. I've even been referred to a couple times as debonair. Most people like me. A few love me. Some probably hate me. I've been told I come across as thinking I know more than I do. I've been told I'm too mature. Most would say I have a good grasp of life. Some say that I'm hard to place; that I don't fit a stereotype. My friends tell me I try to be hipster. Others say I try being different.
Really though, I'm just trying to be me. If being me makes me different then so be it.
Now for my perceptions of myself.
I tell myself I'm chivalrous. That I'm at times rude and vulgar, but nonetheless a good person. I'm a lover who wouldn't mind a fight. I'm a bit of a sap. I'm active and rarely worried about the future. I have dreams and work towards them, I just don't fear being hurt. I'm terrible at making plans. I claim to be fun to be around and would never consider myself a bore. I think that I sometimes lack confidence mainly because I'm afraid of being seen as cocky. I'm a family man who enjoys the company of a few close friends. I'm easy to get along with and at times long winded. I perceive myself as a good listener and a good advice giver. I'm as jealous as jealous can be but I also care more than most. I hate losing and fear being inadequate. My biggest fear is being replaced.
I perceive myself as an overall good person, a person with dreams, with fears, a person full of love, a person void of hate. I call myself a thinker, a lover, a realist, a friend, and a good listener. I see myself as average in appearance but above average in thought. I'll never claim to be superior, but at times I feel I'm better than a lot of people. Obviously that makes me a hypocrite and I acknowledge myself as one of those as well.
I perceive myself as many things, you perceive me as many others, and at the end of the day who's there to say who's right and who's wrong?
Nobody.
To me I am what I say I am.
To you I am what you say I am.
Neither is right and neither is wrong.
I'm just more worried about my own opinions, not that you're not important, I just worry more about myself. Self centered? Nah. Independent.
NP: With You- Chris Brown
We perceive ourselves one way and usually other's perceptions are different from our own.
I've been told I live too much in the present and that in the long run I might get hurt. I've been called an ass more times than I can count. I'm considered by almost all as vulgar. I'm told by a few that I'm handsome. I've even been referred to a couple times as debonair. Most people like me. A few love me. Some probably hate me. I've been told I come across as thinking I know more than I do. I've been told I'm too mature. Most would say I have a good grasp of life. Some say that I'm hard to place; that I don't fit a stereotype. My friends tell me I try to be hipster. Others say I try being different.
Really though, I'm just trying to be me. If being me makes me different then so be it.
Now for my perceptions of myself.
I tell myself I'm chivalrous. That I'm at times rude and vulgar, but nonetheless a good person. I'm a lover who wouldn't mind a fight. I'm a bit of a sap. I'm active and rarely worried about the future. I have dreams and work towards them, I just don't fear being hurt. I'm terrible at making plans. I claim to be fun to be around and would never consider myself a bore. I think that I sometimes lack confidence mainly because I'm afraid of being seen as cocky. I'm a family man who enjoys the company of a few close friends. I'm easy to get along with and at times long winded. I perceive myself as a good listener and a good advice giver. I'm as jealous as jealous can be but I also care more than most. I hate losing and fear being inadequate. My biggest fear is being replaced.
I perceive myself as an overall good person, a person with dreams, with fears, a person full of love, a person void of hate. I call myself a thinker, a lover, a realist, a friend, and a good listener. I see myself as average in appearance but above average in thought. I'll never claim to be superior, but at times I feel I'm better than a lot of people. Obviously that makes me a hypocrite and I acknowledge myself as one of those as well.
I perceive myself as many things, you perceive me as many others, and at the end of the day who's there to say who's right and who's wrong?
Nobody.
To me I am what I say I am.
To you I am what you say I am.
Neither is right and neither is wrong.
I'm just more worried about my own opinions, not that you're not important, I just worry more about myself. Self centered? Nah. Independent.
NP: With You- Chris Brown
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
This Might Sound Silly
Now like the title said this might sound silly, but ever since Google shut down my Adsense account I've been looking to make money off the blog. Several friends of mine mentioned that they would love Daily Doze t-shirts. I just want to know if anyone would be interested at all. If so let me know on here, on Twitter, on Facebook, or you can text me. I could buy t-shirts, mesh pinny type tank tops, long sleeve t-shirts, sweatshirts, or hoodies. Please let me know if any of you would be interested. I thought it'd be a cool way to get the blog's name out there and a nice way to make some money before college.
Thanks in advance for your feedback.
This is a link to what the t-shirts could look like...there are a lot of other colors though so keep an open mind.
http://www.customink.com/designs/dailydozed/wgz0-000q-43t8/hotlink?pc=HL-46120&cm_mmc=hotlink-_-2-_-Body_img-_-designfront
Thanks in advance for your feedback.
This is a link to what the t-shirts could look like...there are a lot of other colors though so keep an open mind.
http://www.customink.com/designs/dailydozed/wgz0-000q-43t8/hotlink?pc=HL-46120&cm_mmc=hotlink-_-2-_-Body_img-_-designfront
Clarification
I'd like to clarify my last post. I'm not sure I said exactly what I meant. What I meant is this...
As a whole humans are usually attracted to things that aren't good for them. (This explains things like obesity and girls always chasing after the "bad boys.") Our existence is based on doing what makes us happy and in the Gotye song, "Somebody That I Used To Know" it is said best. "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness." A lot of humans, when they can't find true happiness, resort to sheer sadness. It doesn't make much sense, but I think as long as we are alive we will have an urge to chase things that aren't good for us. Like other urges we should try and control these. My good friend Dave said that he needed to change what he was looking for. It seems to have worked wonders for him because he is happier than ever.
I'm not necessarily saying you need to change what you're looking for, maybe you've already found it. Maybe it has sat right next to you, but you just haven't realized it yet. Maybe happiness isn't that far away. Maybe happiness keeps you up til 3 a.m., but maybe not. Maybe happiness is what wakes you up at 5. Maybe happiness isn't about what's good for you and what's bad for you; maybe it isn't that complex. Maybe happiness is a simple smile :$
Happiness is all around.
Find it, and hold on to it. Don't waste it and don't abuse it.
Love what makes you happy and be happy for what you love.
As a whole humans are usually attracted to things that aren't good for them. (This explains things like obesity and girls always chasing after the "bad boys.") Our existence is based on doing what makes us happy and in the Gotye song, "Somebody That I Used To Know" it is said best. "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness." A lot of humans, when they can't find true happiness, resort to sheer sadness. It doesn't make much sense, but I think as long as we are alive we will have an urge to chase things that aren't good for us. Like other urges we should try and control these. My good friend Dave said that he needed to change what he was looking for. It seems to have worked wonders for him because he is happier than ever.
I'm not necessarily saying you need to change what you're looking for, maybe you've already found it. Maybe it has sat right next to you, but you just haven't realized it yet. Maybe happiness isn't that far away. Maybe happiness keeps you up til 3 a.m., but maybe not. Maybe happiness is what wakes you up at 5. Maybe happiness isn't about what's good for you and what's bad for you; maybe it isn't that complex. Maybe happiness is a simple smile :$
Happiness is all around.
Find it, and hold on to it. Don't waste it and don't abuse it.
Love what makes you happy and be happy for what you love.
late nights keep me young
I've been getting to bed early in the morning the past couple nights. I look for things like coming home at two in the morning to keep me young. It keeps me alive.
I watched a movie the other day where there was a quote that I really liked. It said, "I might hate you more, but I'll never love you less."
That's a great quote because you can hate a person, but love them. In some cases you can hate almost everything about a person but still love them. Obviously these aren't the best types of relationships, but if you find yourself in one don't worry about it. Don't feel like you're compromising yourself if you continue loving someone you really should hate.
The heart and mind are two distinctly different operating systems. One tells you to do what's safe and the other tells you to do what makes you happy. Getting the two to agree harmoniously is nearly impossible. In almost all aspects of life your head and your heart will clash. I know mine do. In both big things and small.
I wish that what felt the best was truly the healthiest for us. Think about it. All the good tasting foods are unhealthy. All the healthy foods aren't any fun. Love is like that too sometimes. You find yourself liking something that isn't good for you. Sometimes you can't decide what you want and you end up stuck between different alternatives. Some seem healthy but the others seem more enjoyable. Usually you don't know what was best for you until it's gone.
Maybe the safest way to play it is to try out everything you can. Spread your love around and see where it sticks. See where your time and effort is returned and stick with that person. Wasting your love on someone undeserving is a sad, sad thing to do. However, if you truly think they're worth it, then the love isn't wasted. You can't waste love if you truly love something. Sure you might not be helping yourself out, but there is something to be said about persistence. About believing.
If you love someone dare to send that text out of the blue saying so. Don't fear the rejection, hope for that one response.
Don't let the fear of love not being returned keep you from loving.
NP: No Interruption- Hoodie Allen
I watched a movie the other day where there was a quote that I really liked. It said, "I might hate you more, but I'll never love you less."
That's a great quote because you can hate a person, but love them. In some cases you can hate almost everything about a person but still love them. Obviously these aren't the best types of relationships, but if you find yourself in one don't worry about it. Don't feel like you're compromising yourself if you continue loving someone you really should hate.
The heart and mind are two distinctly different operating systems. One tells you to do what's safe and the other tells you to do what makes you happy. Getting the two to agree harmoniously is nearly impossible. In almost all aspects of life your head and your heart will clash. I know mine do. In both big things and small.
I wish that what felt the best was truly the healthiest for us. Think about it. All the good tasting foods are unhealthy. All the healthy foods aren't any fun. Love is like that too sometimes. You find yourself liking something that isn't good for you. Sometimes you can't decide what you want and you end up stuck between different alternatives. Some seem healthy but the others seem more enjoyable. Usually you don't know what was best for you until it's gone.
Maybe the safest way to play it is to try out everything you can. Spread your love around and see where it sticks. See where your time and effort is returned and stick with that person. Wasting your love on someone undeserving is a sad, sad thing to do. However, if you truly think they're worth it, then the love isn't wasted. You can't waste love if you truly love something. Sure you might not be helping yourself out, but there is something to be said about persistence. About believing.
If you love someone dare to send that text out of the blue saying so. Don't fear the rejection, hope for that one response.
Don't let the fear of love not being returned keep you from loving.
NP: No Interruption- Hoodie Allen
Last Day
Straka, today is your last day before you're a senior. Enjoy today buddy, you deserve it. I'm gonna miss you next year Straka, I hope you keep in touch and let me know when the blogs aren't up to par. I need someone as critical as you to keep me in line. Especially next year when I'm in the city that never sleeps.
NP: Drops of Jupiter- Train
NP: Drops of Jupiter- Train
Monday, June 4, 2012
silent swagger vs. undeserved arrogance
This blog should hit home with several of my friends because we all seem to agree on the idea I'm about to mention.
That idea is this:
Having a silent swagger is acceptable when you've accomplished something in your time in high school, but some kids have a cockiness about them when they have achieved nothing in their high school career.
I can think of plenty of senior guys who walked around the halls like they were the best thing to touch West Allegheny's halls. In reality these kids were the quitters. They were the kids who hung out with and drank with freshman. They were the ones who were talking to or dating the freshman. They were the same kids popping pills and sleeping in class. They walked around like they were better than everyone else when in reality they hadn't worked for or earned an ounce of respect. Not in my eyes at least.
The kids I respect are the ones who walk around with what Coach Palko referred to as a "silent swagger." These are the kids who know what they've done and they don't need to pretend to be better than everyone else. They don't talk the biggest game but they know deep down what they're capable of. They have faith in their abilities but never feel the need to tell others about that faith. They'll tell you what they can and can't do, and they'll still do their damnedest to achieve even what appears to be out of their reach. They're the kids I respect the most.
If you have something to be cocky about, avoid being cocky and instead conceal it in your own little form of silent swagger. Don't walk around and act like you're the biggest and baddest. Let the kids with nothing to be confident about do that. You'll be able to see through it and in the end you'll be the more successful one.
You don't need someone to tell you that you're a better person, you just have to know it.
NP: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol
That idea is this:
Having a silent swagger is acceptable when you've accomplished something in your time in high school, but some kids have a cockiness about them when they have achieved nothing in their high school career.
I can think of plenty of senior guys who walked around the halls like they were the best thing to touch West Allegheny's halls. In reality these kids were the quitters. They were the kids who hung out with and drank with freshman. They were the ones who were talking to or dating the freshman. They were the same kids popping pills and sleeping in class. They walked around like they were better than everyone else when in reality they hadn't worked for or earned an ounce of respect. Not in my eyes at least.
The kids I respect are the ones who walk around with what Coach Palko referred to as a "silent swagger." These are the kids who know what they've done and they don't need to pretend to be better than everyone else. They don't talk the biggest game but they know deep down what they're capable of. They have faith in their abilities but never feel the need to tell others about that faith. They'll tell you what they can and can't do, and they'll still do their damnedest to achieve even what appears to be out of their reach. They're the kids I respect the most.
If you have something to be cocky about, avoid being cocky and instead conceal it in your own little form of silent swagger. Don't walk around and act like you're the biggest and baddest. Let the kids with nothing to be confident about do that. You'll be able to see through it and in the end you'll be the more successful one.
You don't need someone to tell you that you're a better person, you just have to know it.
NP: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol
Strange Monday
Today is my first Monday as a high school graduate. Yesterday was the first Sunday I wasn't worried about school the next day. Now that it's here, being graduated that is, I don't know what to do with all this free time. I guess we all grew comfortable in having school and having to wake up every day.
I wouldn't say I miss it just yet, but I think in time I might.
Today is June 4th and I leave for Disney World in 6 days. I won't be home until June 23rd. I'm super excited to spend 5 days with Pap, Jenny, and Maura before I head on senior trip for a week with my best friends. I can't even begin to explain my excitement for that week in Hilton Head.
7 best friends alone in a house for a week. Not to mention we're at the beach. What more could I ask for? It is guaranteed to be a week full of memories. I'm sure that years from now senior trip will be a time that sticks out in my head as one of the best times of my life. Want to know what the best part of my senior trip will be?
I'm going to remember it all.
I'm going to remember it all because I won't be using drugs or alcohol to "enhance" my fun. Instead I'll be drinking water and Gatorade and playing soccer on the beach. I'll be lounging, reading a book next to my best friends not playing pong in some shady ass house. I don't have a problem with drinking, well with responsible drinking, personally I don't need it.
I plan on my senior trip consisting of the following...
I wouldn't say I miss it just yet, but I think in time I might.
Today is June 4th and I leave for Disney World in 6 days. I won't be home until June 23rd. I'm super excited to spend 5 days with Pap, Jenny, and Maura before I head on senior trip for a week with my best friends. I can't even begin to explain my excitement for that week in Hilton Head.
7 best friends alone in a house for a week. Not to mention we're at the beach. What more could I ask for? It is guaranteed to be a week full of memories. I'm sure that years from now senior trip will be a time that sticks out in my head as one of the best times of my life. Want to know what the best part of my senior trip will be?
I'm going to remember it all.
I'm going to remember it all because I won't be using drugs or alcohol to "enhance" my fun. Instead I'll be drinking water and Gatorade and playing soccer on the beach. I'll be lounging, reading a book next to my best friends not playing pong in some shady ass house. I don't have a problem with drinking, well with responsible drinking, personally I don't need it.
I plan on my senior trip consisting of the following...
- early workouts with Graz and anyone else in the house who decides to join
- running and some footy
- long days at the beach
- getting stung by jellyfish, soccer, football, and reading
- enjoyable dinners with my friends
- Uncle Dick's restaurant and family style dinners
- late nights just talking with the people I care about most
This blog was supposed to be about how weird this Monday has been, and maybe the fact that this blog is all over the place shows just how scatterbrained I am.
NP: 1958- A Day To Remember
Sunday, June 3, 2012
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early to rise
I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning and went down to the city to watch the sunrise. It was something spontaneous and I loved it. Sitting on the Clemente Bridge just talking with a good friend put me in a great mood. The gas station coffee wasn't exactly a mood brightener, but it did keep me awake for the drive down there so it was worth it.
After about an hour and a half down there watching the sunrise we headed home. I dropped Mara off and I left Westbury. I came to the exit of Westbury and sat there for a whole minute deciding whether I was going to go straight home or if I was going to go to Nan's grave. I decided to go see my grandma.
At Nan's grave I did some serious thinking about some different things. The next couple ideas are ones I thought of while talking aloud to myself at Nan's grave or when I was downtown with Mara this morning.
The first thought was this, would Nan be proud of me? I think she would. I think she would want me to be happy. I truly think that is all she would want from me. I then thought of this. When so many people want us to be happy why is it that often times the only person preventing us from being happy is us?
Is it because we like a challenge?
Is it because we want to bring ourselves down just to see if we can pick ourselves back up?
Or is it because some people enjoy the empathy associated with being sad?
I really don't know the answer to that question.
My second thought was actually more of a statement that I made today.
I said, "You have to find the people worth wasting your time on, soon enough you'll realize it wasn't a waste of time. It was actually time well spent."
That's the thing about wasting time, you don't know you're doing it until it's already done. Time well spent is the same way, you don't know what the time was worth until you reflect on it afterwards.
"Sunrise is the most optimistic thing in the world because it's the only thing that is guaranteed."
-Me
NP: No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft. Frank Ocean
After about an hour and a half down there watching the sunrise we headed home. I dropped Mara off and I left Westbury. I came to the exit of Westbury and sat there for a whole minute deciding whether I was going to go straight home or if I was going to go to Nan's grave. I decided to go see my grandma.
At Nan's grave I did some serious thinking about some different things. The next couple ideas are ones I thought of while talking aloud to myself at Nan's grave or when I was downtown with Mara this morning.
The first thought was this, would Nan be proud of me? I think she would. I think she would want me to be happy. I truly think that is all she would want from me. I then thought of this. When so many people want us to be happy why is it that often times the only person preventing us from being happy is us?
Is it because we like a challenge?
Is it because we want to bring ourselves down just to see if we can pick ourselves back up?
Or is it because some people enjoy the empathy associated with being sad?
I really don't know the answer to that question.
My second thought was actually more of a statement that I made today.
I said, "You have to find the people worth wasting your time on, soon enough you'll realize it wasn't a waste of time. It was actually time well spent."
That's the thing about wasting time, you don't know you're doing it until it's already done. Time well spent is the same way, you don't know what the time was worth until you reflect on it afterwards.
"Sunrise is the most optimistic thing in the world because it's the only thing that is guaranteed."
-Me
NP: No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft. Frank Ocean
Saturday, June 2, 2012
grad party season
This season most definitely is grad party season. Every Saturday and Sunday I don't worry about what's for lunch or dinner, I'm quite sure that I'll be able to wander to a grad party somewhere and get some free food.
Today alone I went to three parties : Josi's, Frankowski's, and Jaclyn's.
I have another three to go to tomorrow which is exciting. It's good seeing everybody, but it's great because you choose who you see.
On a separate note I walked home from Jaclyn's tonight and I remembered how much I like walking. Next year is looking sweeter everyday. New York City is a walker's paradise and I'll have the city at my feet. From blacktop to grass you can find it all to walk on. I cannot wait.
Everyday I'm becoming more confused about how I feel. I'm noticing that certain relationships in my life aren't quite what they seemed. I have a feeling that sometimes I prioritize things that shouldn't be priorities. Maybe I need to reevaluate where I place value. Some people have other priorities that don't include me, which is fine, I just need to know where to align my priorities. (Levi and I had a good talk about this today.)
I can never help but ask myself how people feel about me. I always struggle to find where I am.
Just when I seem to figure out where I am with certain people something comes up and I question it. I guess part of the problem is the thought that things might not ever be the same.
We've graduated and now we go our separate ways. Things will be different.
Again, it's about who you associate yourself with. I just shake my head at some things I see on a daily basis. I'm just not one who searches for impersonal relationships. I'd rather text one person everyday than get fifteen girls texting me. There's nothing sincere about that.
Of course most people I know wouldn't understand the concept of being sincere.
Being genuine and sincere would strike a lot of people like the plague if they tried it. I fear that they would actually become violently ill if it were to happen.
I'm in quite the pessimistic mood and I apologize for that. I'm just having a tough time accepting how terribly base people are. I don't mean to come across as dejected, really I don't, I'm very happy. Just also very confused. Confused as to how people can be so needy. How people can thrive off of attention. How people thrive off of negative attention. It's all just mind boggling to me.
Also I noticed something strange I do. I attach certain songs to certain people and when I listen to that song it makes me think of them. I've been skipping certain songs more and more when they come on shuffle. But I always stop and listen to Maroon 5. I like thinking about them.
NP: Of The Soul- Mac Miller
recent thoughts
Recently I've been doing less thinking. (I know, hard to believe right?) Anyway, I've decided that I love life in the minority. Obviously I'm not actually a part of a minority group, I am indeed Caucasian, but I mean in terms of other types of minorities.
I'm a distinguished honors minority.
I'm in the minority of kids who don't drink, smoke, or pop pills.
I'm a blogger, again a minority.
In more ways than one I squeeze myself into these minority groups and quite frankly the minority is where I belong.
The minority is for people who don't depend on others. For those who aren't needy. For those who claim to be self sufficient.
I recognize that I'm strange and different. I realize that my decisions aren't the "popular" ones. The thing is, I like being me. And if I like being me why would I try and be anything else?
Why would I attempt to fit into the majority when the minority is where I belong? I almost feel the majority is weak. It's easy to latch on to a large group and call yourself a part of it. It's much harder to be independent and bring your own ideas to the table.
It's about knowing where you fit in. If you belong with the majority, then by all means go with them, but if not, accept your role in the minority. I promise the minority is pretty sweet.
NP: Love The Way You lie- Eminem ft. Rihanna
I'm a distinguished honors minority.
I'm in the minority of kids who don't drink, smoke, or pop pills.
I'm a blogger, again a minority.
In more ways than one I squeeze myself into these minority groups and quite frankly the minority is where I belong.
The minority is for people who don't depend on others. For those who aren't needy. For those who claim to be self sufficient.
I recognize that I'm strange and different. I realize that my decisions aren't the "popular" ones. The thing is, I like being me. And if I like being me why would I try and be anything else?
Why would I attempt to fit into the majority when the minority is where I belong? I almost feel the majority is weak. It's easy to latch on to a large group and call yourself a part of it. It's much harder to be independent and bring your own ideas to the table.
It's about knowing where you fit in. If you belong with the majority, then by all means go with them, but if not, accept your role in the minority. I promise the minority is pretty sweet.
NP: Love The Way You lie- Eminem ft. Rihanna
Friday, June 1, 2012
foreign feelings
This whole graduation thing isn't sad or scary, to me it's simply strange. It's a very foreign feeling. In five hours I will no longer say, "I go to West Allegheny," instead I'll have to say, "I went to West Allegheny." In five hours I'll be a part of the alumni. That's very foreign to me.
I'm not afraid of the future which is why I feel comfortable with graduating. I know that I'll stay close to the people I want to stay close to.
I'm not afraid of being farther away from my best friends, it's just going to be weird not being able to jump in the Subaru and drive ten minutes to any of their houses.
Respectively here are the Mapquest distances and drive time away from each of my best friends I will be.
Amanda- 352 Miles (6.5 hours)
Jared and Dave- 381 Miles (6.75 hours)
Ashley and Ethan- 443 Miles (7.5 hours)
Ty- 646 Miles (11 hours)
I'm gonna make it work though. I have to.
Next time I talk to you all I will be a graduate of West Allegheny.
I'll have graduated Summa Cum Laude...But you can't measure someone's time in high school on paper. It isn't about the grades I earned or the math courses I've taken...It isn't about whether I was proficient or advanced on the science PSSAs. It has nothing to do with my SAT scores. It's never been about that.
It's about how I left my mark. It's about the friends I've made and the image of myself I've portrayed. It's about how I represented myself for the past four years and it's about the respect my name garners...
I like to think there is a certain level of respect for my name.
I pray that when my name is called out tonight that my friends, my parents, my friends' parents, and other community members will say to themselves, "He is a great kid."
That's truly my only wish for myself and if that happens, then I had a successful high school career.
NP: School Spirit- Kanye West
I'm not afraid of the future which is why I feel comfortable with graduating. I know that I'll stay close to the people I want to stay close to.
I'm not afraid of being farther away from my best friends, it's just going to be weird not being able to jump in the Subaru and drive ten minutes to any of their houses.
Respectively here are the Mapquest distances and drive time away from each of my best friends I will be.
Amanda- 352 Miles (6.5 hours)
Jared and Dave- 381 Miles (6.75 hours)
Ashley and Ethan- 443 Miles (7.5 hours)
Ty- 646 Miles (11 hours)
I'm gonna make it work though. I have to.
Next time I talk to you all I will be a graduate of West Allegheny.
I'll have graduated Summa Cum Laude...But you can't measure someone's time in high school on paper. It isn't about the grades I earned or the math courses I've taken...It isn't about whether I was proficient or advanced on the science PSSAs. It has nothing to do with my SAT scores. It's never been about that.
It's about how I left my mark. It's about the friends I've made and the image of myself I've portrayed. It's about how I represented myself for the past four years and it's about the respect my name garners...
I like to think there is a certain level of respect for my name.
I pray that when my name is called out tonight that my friends, my parents, my friends' parents, and other community members will say to themselves, "He is a great kid."
That's truly my only wish for myself and if that happens, then I had a successful high school career.
NP: School Spirit- Kanye West
the questions we want to ask
As a whole we love to say, "I told you so." We love the sense of knowing we were right all along and we love that sense of superiority. Aside from telling someone, "I told you so," people love to ask rhetorical questions. The biggest, most unnerving rhetorical question you can ask someone is, "Was it worth it?"
Asking that to someone gives you a sense of power in the situation. Usually the person asking knows that the answer is no. Usually that question is asked after someone has made a mistake. The level of severity of the mistake is what determines how harsh asking this question would be.
I've wanted to ask this question in so many different situations. It's run through my head in both big and small situations, in situations close to my heart and ones that didn't affect me at all.
I usually refrain from asking it, but because of what today is and how this year has played out I think it is time to ask those questions.
Was it worth it?
Was it worth almost losing your family to drinking?
Was it worth the tens of thousands of dollars sending him to rehab to save him?
Were those nights of drinking worth losing someone close to you?
Was it worth losing yourself?
Or was I never worth it?
Were we never worth it?
Those are just some questions I've wanted to ask throughout my time in high school. Some I've wanted to ask on more than one occasion and some apply to more than one person.
Some of those questions are more rhetorical than others. I don't know some of the answers. I know for certain the answer to number three is yes. I've wanted to ask those for awhile and I feel like today was the right time to do it. I'll never know the answers to most of those questions, but maybe some questions shouldn't be answered.
Maybe they don't need answered because they didn't need asked.
Maybe I should already know the answers and I don't need someone else to tell me them.
Maybe I already know the answers, but I just wanted some reassurance.
NP: Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance
Asking that to someone gives you a sense of power in the situation. Usually the person asking knows that the answer is no. Usually that question is asked after someone has made a mistake. The level of severity of the mistake is what determines how harsh asking this question would be.
I've wanted to ask this question in so many different situations. It's run through my head in both big and small situations, in situations close to my heart and ones that didn't affect me at all.
I usually refrain from asking it, but because of what today is and how this year has played out I think it is time to ask those questions.
Was it worth it?
Was it worth almost losing your family to drinking?
Was it worth the tens of thousands of dollars sending him to rehab to save him?
Were those nights of drinking worth losing someone close to you?
Was it worth losing yourself?
Or was I never worth it?
Were we never worth it?
Those are just some questions I've wanted to ask throughout my time in high school. Some I've wanted to ask on more than one occasion and some apply to more than one person.
Some of those questions are more rhetorical than others. I don't know some of the answers. I know for certain the answer to number three is yes. I've wanted to ask those for awhile and I feel like today was the right time to do it. I'll never know the answers to most of those questions, but maybe some questions shouldn't be answered.
Maybe they don't need answered because they didn't need asked.
Maybe I should already know the answers and I don't need someone else to tell me them.
Maybe I already know the answers, but I just wanted some reassurance.
NP: Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance
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