first weekend is here

I've had my first three days of class. Nothing too fancy in any of them. I already did a math assignment and read some Plato. I'm feeling super cultured and worldly now. I can't tell which classes will be my hardest, but I think I'll be able to handle the workload no matter what it is. Fridays and Tuesdays I only have one class for fifty minutes. Those are the days I need to get a majority of my work done.

I'll describe college thus far for all of you.

Monday through Friday my day starts at 7:30 AM. I have my alarm set the night before, but I don't really need it. The Metro North wakes me up every morning anyway. After waking up I go and brush my teeth and then, depending what day of the week it is, I decide if I have time for breakfast or not. Today I just grabbed a coffee from the caf and headed to philosophy.

Despite what the Princeton Review says, the food here isn't that bad. I eat a lot of soup. I also drink a ton of orange guava passionfruit juice, apple juice, and chocolate soy milk. I refuse to drink anything that isn't juice, milk, coffee, or water. Soda is the devil. So is college pizza.

When I'm not eating, sleeping, or sitting in class I'm probably hanging out with my new friends or lifting.

When I say my new friends I'm referring to the two kids I've met from Connecticut, Steve and Peter. Steve and Peter went to high school together and I met Steve in my orientation group...the only good thing that's come out of that damn orientation.

Steve, Peter, and I go to eat dinner together most nights and we hang out during the day too. We went to the football game last night which was cool. That was the first football game I've watched from the stands in over three years.

I'm making this place my home.

It's feeling a lot better.

I love how close the city is.

I love this campus.

NP: No Faith In Brooklyn- Hoodie Allen

my first days

So it's been a few days since I blogged for you all and it's because I've just been trying to catch my breath. Sunday was move in day which went fine. My only real comment on that would have to be my goodbyes.

I realized how much I'm going to miss my sister. She gave me such a cool gift and it showed me how much I mean to her.

I realized that I am a product of my father. During our goodbyes my Dad pulled me in really quick for a hug and then walked away. I could see him lift his glasses up and I thought maybe he was crying. He wasn't crying though, he was sobbing. He looked just like I do when I cry. His face got all red, he was somewhat hyperventilating, and he was having a tough time talking. I'm a product of him you see, and he's going to miss all the games. Football, soccer, and baseball alike. Those are where we connected. I know he'll be okay, he's overcome much greater obstacles in his life.

I realized my mom is a great women. (I already knew that, but it became even more obvious.) She didn't shed a tear (something she apologized for the next day) but I know she's missing me.

I've talked to my mom every day since I got up here and I plan on continuing to do so.

Orientation these past two days was horrible. We were constantly moving around and had to do all sorts of stupid icebreakers.

I felt homesick and still do, but I think everybody gets that way at least for a while.

Now that classes have started I'm hoping I get into the swing of things and begin to feel more at home. If I don't, well if I don't I'm not sure what options I really have. I have a great opportunity at hand, I'm in one of the top 50 business schools in the country. I also have internships galore only a train ride away.

I don't know if I want to be here right now, but I'm pretty sure I need to be here. 

I had my first class today...philosophy. Not too bad. The professor seems nice enough and the class doesn't appear as though it'll be too hard. Only time will tell I guess.

I miss my mom, my Dad, my sister, my bed, my house, my friends, my best friends. I miss feeling at home, feeling comfortable, feeling safe.

I miss a lot, but if I leave, I'll miss even more. 

29 Days

NP: High For This- Ellie Goulding

scared

I'm a little bit scared. A little bit scared of a lot of different things.

Tomorrow is the day of reckoning.

Okay, maybe it's just my freshman move in day, but it's a serious day for me.

My fears include failing out, not fitting in, becoming overwhelmingly homesick, and a general fear of getting hurt in the city.

I have another fear that I won't mention specifically.

It's scary thinking you could take another person's life, isn't it?

We have the resources, but do we actually have the capability?

Some people have that instinct. Some people have something about them that allows them to take a person's life.

I don't think I would know if I could or not until the situation to do so presented itself. I think in some instances I could. For family or a person I love, I'd do anything. In self defense, I'd do anything.

If a person came  at me with the intentions of harming me or taking my life all reason flies out the window. Staying alive comes first.

It's crazy thinking about stuff like that.

My mind is all over the place right now.

Another fear some people have is of loving. There are some people afraid of falling in love. For me it isn't a fear of falling in love, it's a fear of falling out.

Having fears doesn't make you weak, though.

You're far stronger if you acknowledge your fears than if you deny them. 

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Marianne Williamson

She's right you know. It's not inadequacy I fear, instead I fear the power I have to not feel inadequate. A fear of not using the power bestowed upon me.

NP: Over My Dead Body- Drake

I have to go

I don't know if I want to, but I have to. It's time.

We're pulling out of my driveway right now...

This sucks. I'm glad it sucks though. The fact in still hesitant to leave shows just how much I love this place. No matter what, this is my home.

Last night my mom came in to give me a back scratch and I could tell it finally has hit her. She kept asking if I had any special back scratch requests. That was nice, I could tell she was just delaying the inevitable. She didn't want to say good night. Then she whispered, "it isn't goodbye though, it's just see you later."

That one hit me.

She's right, I will see this place later.

It was hard to say bye to my animals too. It's the little things I'll miss the most.

I'm coming, Fordham, I'm coming. I hope we're both ready.

There's going to be some tears these next two days.

NP: Come Home- OneRepublic

scratch the surface

I treated my mom and Jenny to TGI Fridays tonight. It was our last dinner in the burgh and I figured I could pick up the tab. Sure it was a nice thing to do, but when I stop and think about it, my mom has been doing that for me for 18 years. My paying once doesn't even scratch the surface of what she's done for me.

I guess that's what parents specialize in, sacrifice. My mom has made a lot for my sister and I.

In recent years I would hate to go shopping with my mom. I hate it simply because she refuses to buy herself anything. If anyone deserves a shopping trip, it's her, not me or Jenny. These past couple years I didn't go back to school shopping. I didn't want to go because I knew that I didn't need anything. If my mom could go years without buying herself any new clothes I sure as hell didn't need new ones for every school year, let alone every season change.

My mom has made me the person I am today. I'm eternally grateful for every sacrifice she's made for me. One day I'm going to pay her back for it. One day I'm going to be able to give my mom whatever it is she wants. At that point it won't be about what she needs, it'll be about what she wants.

I'm going to make it up to you mom, I promise you that. It wasn't all for not. Your son is going to be someone.

NP: Dear Mama- Tupac

pain starts with an A

College life starts on Sunday. Classes start on Wednesday. Somewhere soon after, or in the middle, drinking will begin. I know that there will be plenty of alcohol consumed in my presence and I'm realizing I don't think I will ever fully be okay with it.

I will never drink.

It's that plain and simple. I never will.

I don't need it as a social stimulant or as a way of coping with things. Frankly, I think that anyone who can't cope with their problems without the use of drugs or alcohol is weak.

To me drinking is pointless. Others see some sort of benefit in it and that's fine. People say that when a person drinks they don't hold anything back, that they're fully being themselves. I guess that's why they call it "liquid courage". I'm courageous enough to be myself without drinking.

I know who I am and I embrace it. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and I never have.

From time to time it's nice to stop and truly evaluate the person you are. Obviously these evaluations are subjective, very rare is it that a person can give a truly objective view of themselves.

I'll do my best to keep this as objective as possible.

I am a college bound, eighteen year old kid who is scared shitless. I'm scared of the coursework, of not fitting in, of not making friends, and of missing everyone back home. At this point my home makes me feel homesick and I'm praying that Fordham feels better. I'm excited for college and anxious. I'll admit I miss my best friends a ton already. I'll also be the first to admit I am a jealous and worried kid. I am a good friend and a protective friend too. I'm protective, jealous, and worried because I care more than most people do. I believe I'm a good looking kid, to a point. I feel like my ability to connect with people and my caring nature greatly surpass my looks. I sometimes feel like looks are my shortcoming. I also feel like I'm one of the most genuinely good guys you will ever meet. I'm deathly afraid of not being enough. I'm deathly afraid of losing people. When I say losing I mean losing them as what I had them as, be it a friend or more. I feel sick to my stomach at this very instant. I'm a vulnerable kid. From time to time I'm mentally weak and I try to compensate for it with physical strength. I'm a trustworthy person, but I hardly ever fully trust someone. I'm a vulnerable kid who has been hurt before. I have a past, and my family has a dark past. My dark past has made me everything I am today. It has hurt me, but it has never stopped me from loving. I'm in love.

I don't drink.

In my world: Alcohol=Pain.

In my world: Pain starts with A. An A for alcohol.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

some more goodbyes

Tonight some of my family came over for a last family meal. It was good to share some stories, talk about the news, and eat some good lasagna. The toughest goodbye was to Pap.

He's the man I look up to most in the world and he's the one who has done the most for me. It'll be tough not seeing him for a long time.

On his way out he said something to me that stuck. "Remember everyone is equal once you get up there." He's right, once we're in, we all have a clean slate. It doesn't matter what scholarships a kid has, where they came from, or how much money they have.

I have as good a chance as any of being successful this coming year.

It doesn't matter if I was wait listed or not. It doesn't matter how much debt I'm going to graduate with. All that matters is that I made it.

Simply making it isn't enough though. 

You don't tell stories about the kids who made it somewhere. You talk about the ones who made it and did something once they made it.

Nobody there has a leg up on me through. I'm ready to compete against kids from all over the world. I'm a little bit scared, but I think that's expected. It isn't fear so much as it is nerves.

I've had nerves before though. Before every field goal I would have a rush of nerves.

The thing was I put myself in a position to succeed. The nerves were overcome and I succeeded more times than I failed.

I've put myself in the position to be a successful man. Whether I take this opportunity and run with it is up to me and me alone.

At this point, it's mine to lose. 

Fate has no role here.

I control my own destiny.

I'll make my own legacy. 

Leave fate to those who like to wait. 

NP: Smile Back- Mac Miller

up with two and back with one

Today, I left home with two of my best friends, we drove to Akron, and I came home with only one of those best friends.

Ash, Amanda, and I went to move Ash in today.

It was a long process and I can say that moving a girl into her dorm room is one of the most stressful things I've ever been a part of. I'm glad I did though.

The whole day I felt very complacent. Being complacent was the only thing that was able to keep me from realizing the situation that is unfolding. Life has changed. 

I sit at home this very instant and the West Allegheny district feels dead to me. Almost all my friends have moved in to their dorms. Amanda is the last to leave and she goes tomorrow morning.

Like I said, life is different now. I won't see Ash for several months. When I do see her again it will be for a day or so. Then I won't see her for another month or so and even when I see her it will only be for a couple weeks. Then more months before summer comes along. Once summer is here we can pretend again that life is back to normal, but sadly after three months we leave again.

After four years of that we'll have graduated. I can't tell you what degrees we will graduate with, I can't tell you what our GPAs will have been, I can't tell you what internships we will have under our belts, and I can't tell you where our jobs will have us headed. I can tell you that Ash will still be my best friend though.

I love her to death and this past year she has become my best friend in the world. The funny thing is...I can't tell you how we became friends. No matter how hard I try to trace the roots, our friendship seems to have popped up out of nowhere. I can tell you exact dates of certain events, but I cannot tell you how it started.

It's a friendship that has matured over these past 10 months into something special. What it is exactly, I can't tell you. I do know that I love her. I love her like I love all my friends, but I don't love all my friends like I love her. That should explain it to you. I fell in love with my best friend. I left my best friend and the girl I love in Akron.

I'm scared, I'm worried, and I feel lost. I go to New York City in 4 days and this is no time to feel any of those emotions but I just can't help myself.

I have the best friend a kid could ask for. She's two hours away right now and in a few days she will be eight hours away. You can't measure the distance between two people in hours, minutes, or seconds though. You can only measure it in how you feel. You can be as close or as far as you want. It's up to you. Distance is only a barrier between two physical beings. I ask myself... Where's my mind? Where's my heart? Answer that and you know how far away you truly are. I'm not too far away from my best friend right now.

NP: Home- Phillip Phillips

backwards

Our minds and the world we live in seem to operate in strange ways. It seems to me that a fair amount of the time we get the opposite of what we want.

When we want time to speed up, it slows to a crawl.

When we wish the world would slow down and wait for us, someone presses fast forward.

When we need some distance, we find ourselves the closest.

When we get the closest, the world pushes us apart.

When we want to love, love seems to hide.

When we do love, we wish it would've stayed hidden.

Sometimes we expect to be strong, but instead we weep.

And sometimes when we're expected to weep, we're stronger than we ever thought we could be.

That's the way it goes though.

When life starts making sense you know that you've lost it completely.

It doesn't have to make sense for you to enjoy it though.

gone baby gone

They're dumb for letting us go, but I'm glad they did. Without bad endings good beginnings wouldn't be possible.

Beginnings don't always feel so great though. When a beginning brings an end to a good thing you shy away from it.

It doesn't have to be the end though.

Things don't have to change, but more than likely some will.

Change is okay, but don't forget.

Don't lose sight of what's important, but don't have a narrow view either.

Don't wait, but don't count us out.

This is the worst, but maybe it's for the best.

Who knows anymore?

The end? The beginning?

The line between the two is becoming increasingly blurred.

It doesn't feel real yet.

unforgettable feelings

Today I looked back on my senior year and realized just how amazing a year it really was. I had more fun this past year than my first three combined. I felt feelings this year that I hadn't previously felt before. I'm going to see if I can relay some of those feelings for you all right now.

If I could characterize extreme excitement it would be in the form of hockey games. Sitting in the crowd waiting for Mo to come on the ice was the purest form of excitement I came to know. You always expected him to do the impossible or at the very least lay somebody out. That excitement was unparalleled.

Extreme happiness could be described in quite a few instances. Beating KO in overtime on senior night is one time that sticks out to me. Another would be beating Blackhawk in extra innings during baseball. Senior trip was a week where I was nothing but happy. Most nights when I don't come home until very late means that I was somewhere where I'm very happy. Happiness came from small things too though. 

One instance hit me where I was extremely proud. That would be during the senior recognition night where I listened as Frau Zanella read an excerpt from a blog I had written. I never felt that way before. It showed me that it wasn't only my immediate friends who felt the power of my writing, rather teachers and parents alike had felt it too. 

Indifference with a little sass would have to go to anytime last year when Ms. Fox would yell at me. Usually it was for talking to a fellow student, but I honestly could've given two shits less that she was yelling at me. I think from time to time I talked just to piss her off. 

Extreme anger would have to stem from any of the various times I was cheated on. Simple as that. 

The time I felt the most hopeless would have to be our last soccer game. There isn't a feeling in the world like watching the clock tick down from 10 seconds knowing that your senior season is over. Watching the clock strike zero and knowing that I'll never get another game with the kids I grew up with. I felt so lost. 

I can't say I felt extreme embarrassment this past year. 

I felt love though. I fell totally out of love and totally in love. I fell hard. I hit my head along the way. I loved in places I had no business loving.

I got close with people I never thought I would.

I defied a lot of expectations.

I proved people wrong and I was an exception to something no one else previously was. 

I changed, I evoked change, and I hope I inspired change. 

a long way away

Sometimes I catch myself talking about forever. Saying things like, "I'll love you forever," or, "I want you forever." It isn't always about loving forever. Sometimes it's about saying I'll never do something. Like saying that I'll never drink or smoke in my life.

No human can truly understand the concept of forever. Does forever stop the day we stop breathing? Can forever be altered by choices made by those around us? What if we want something forever that doesn't want to be had forever?

It's fun to talk about forever, but in reality we can't guarantee anything past a few hours from the moment we are in. I can't even promise you that in reality. It can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Forever could be an hour.

God forbid that happens, but it could. Life is fragile.

If you tell someone you'll love them forever does that stop if he or she does? If you die? It shouldn't. Love should be unconditional and shouldn't end with death.

Love in life and love in death.

I'm not afraid of loving, I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of dying without love in my heart.

I used to be afraid of fully falling, not anymore though.

It seems like forever, but once I'm gone I won't be coming back home again until Thanksgiving at the earliest. What scares me is the "at the earliest" part.

I'm gonna miss the people I love like hell. This is my life though and I'd be a fool not to go and live it.

NP: Forever and Always- Parachute

all those who leave

As I see a lot of my classmates leave for college I have come to expect that some of them won't ever return...not fully at least.

What I mean is that these kids who are leaving will be returning as different people, well some of them at least. Some of the "low lifes" will grow up, some of them will crumble under all their new found freedoms, and maybe some of them will prosper. Only time will tell. At the same time some of the stellar students will crack under pressure, some will fall into the wrong crowd, and again, some will prosper.

Some of these kids I've come to know will move on and return as different people...and a lot of them will always be the same. Some will return as the overachievers they left as. Some will return as the scoundrels I always thought they'd be.

My friends are all leaving too, and I hope they return just the way they're leaving. I hope that time and distance doesn't force us apart. I hope that our inside jokes remain funny after time away. I hope that they don't replace me in their lives.

Time and distance apart are difficult things to understand. Just like a lot can happen in a week, a lot can happen when you're hundreds of miles away. I'm not scared of it, just wary.

What I know for certain is that life has to go on. We all have to go our separate ways. When the 25th rolls around I will have nothing left here. The next chapter of my life is upon me and to sit around and think life will be the same as it was would be daft.

I know what's left for me here. 

I also know that there's a hell of a lot more waiting for me in New York.

NP: One More Night- Maroon 5

how you measure it

Today on a drive back from Shadyside I said something I found to be profound. I drove past a billboard for the Powerball and I saw that it was up to 312 million dollars. I started discussing things I would buy.

I rattled off a bunch of things I would do with the money, but I said that I wouldn't worry about buying a new car... I drive a Subaru Outback. (Maybe that's naive, I probably would, but that isn't the point.)

The point I'm trying to make is this...

Say you're sitting on a bench downtown. You see a man pull up and get out of a Ferrari. You think to yourself, "He looks like a respectable guy, and I bet he's rich too." The man doesn't open the other door, instead a woman climbs out of the other door and they walk away not saying a word to each other. Your thoughts of the man probably don't change just from that sight, but here is another thought.

Now you're sitting on that same bench. A man pulls up in a modest four door sedan. As he gets out you think, "He looks respectable enough." He rushes around to open the door for a young woman. The two link arms and walk away smiling from ear to ear. Now you think, "Wow, I bet he's happy too."

Nowhere in that second scenario did you think about how much money the man had. 

That's the point I'm trying to drive home here.

It doesn't matter what you have on the outside, be it a Ferrari or a four door sedan, it's about what you have inside.

It's about happiness over wealth because believe it or not the two don't go hand in hand.

Sure it's easier to cover up sadness with extreme wealth, but money can't buy you love and it sure as hell can't buy you happiness either.

I'll take the Subaru with the girl of my dreams over a Ferrari with someone I don't truly love.

NP: Yo (Excuse Me Miss)- Chris Brown

forgiveness

I hold myself to a higher standard, and that makes forgiving myself infinitely times harder to do.

I'm not used to letting people down and because of that I'm not used to being forgiven.

I'm more accustomed to being the one doing the forgiving, and I tend to forgive very easily. Everyone except myself, that is.

It's probably because I feel like they're letting me off easy and I feel the need to punish myself for what I've done wrong.

I make mistakes.

I'm extremely human.

I'm different though, I always have been.

It's up to you to decide if my difference is for better or worse.

I think I'm one of the good ones.

NP: High For This- The Weeknd or Ellie Goulding

where the heart is

Ty asked me last night what my opinion was of "Home is where the heart is."

I'll try and explain my idea of home right now...

Home, most definitely, is where the heart is. If your heart isn't in something, it'll never be your home. For me, at this moment, home is Oakdale. It's where my heart is and it's where I've had my heart for my whole life.

Ty was worried because he said his home is back here, in Pittsburgh. He's right, at this moment his heart is still here, and that means this is still his home. He said that he doesn't think he'll ever feel completely at home at Xavier. I told him that's normal. When you have an upbringing like Ty and I have where you love where you live, it's very hard to up and leave.

You have memories here and to move to Cincinnati for a week and expect it to feel like home is insane.

If Pittsburgh is always going to be your home that's fine, you just need to accept that and be able to have a home away from home. College, if you aren't going to school near home, is a home away from home. Or if you want, it can be a vacation. Call it what you want, you just need to know what you're getting yourself into.

Pittsburgh will always be home for some, no matter where they live. They'll always have that yearning to come back. Some others though, some others will make a new home in a new city.

Right now I can't say whether or not I'll make my home here in Pittsburgh or somewhere else. It'll depend where my job takes me and where my family is comfortable settling. I think I could be happy in any city as long as i had those I loved with me.

That's another point Ty brought up. He said he wants to come back here because that's where his friends are. 
I said, "You're wrong, that's where your friends were."

For the next two weeks we will be here, but after that we're gone to our own homes away from home.

Life in Imperial will never be the same as before we left for college. That's the truth. I'd say it's the sad truth, but it isn't sad. It'd be sad if life didn't go on, but life always goes on.  That doesn't mean it won't still be beautiful. Or that it won't be happy.

Times change and people leave, but happiness never has to. 

What once made us happy might change, or might leave, but we never have to be unhappy. Find new things that make you happy and surround yourself with them.

Live a happy life in whatever city you're dragged into. 

Don't dwell on the place that happiness once existed. Instead, bring happiness with you as a constant companion that travels everywhere you do. 

NP: One Year,  Six Months- Yellowcard

cleaning out my closet

Today I laid out the clothes I'm going to be taking with me to college. I went through all my clothes in my closet and uncovered some things I haven't seen in a while. Some clothes I've grown out of and some never really fit. Some clothes I can't believe I kept this long and others I am still keeping because of their sentimental value.

While in my closet I uncovered something that once hung in my room. It's something that hasn't hung there in around nine months. It's a memory of sorts that had been hidden away and seemingly forgotten about. Today I remembered it.

It didn't remind me of anything good. Sadly, I could only think of three horrible memories. I sat in my room, but not alone though. I was sitting there anew. I wasn't sad like I very well could have been from seeing such a sight. I'm sure I gave a somber look when I pulled out that memory. But as quickly as I pulled it out, I shattered it.

I don't need to remember that anymore. I won't forget though, how could I? I guess I don't need a reminder of it is really what I'm getting at. I don't need reminded of something I won't forget. It's not a good memory but it's a memory. I'm making new ones everyday.

Recently they've been amazing memories. I've had some of my best days this past week.

I'm really happy.

NP: Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional

still a hard pill to swallow

If you asked me to explain it I'm not sure I'd know exactly where to start. I could start at the beginning and work my way to the end or start with the end and work my way back to the start. Either way I go about it I'm not sure I can accurately portray how much soccer has meant to me. 

Last night most of the soccer guys went over to Brandon's house for our last McCracken House Party. We played all the games we always have. Diving headers in the pool, the chipping game on the trampoline, and we even made sure we attacked Dave for a little bit.

I can't explain to you all the soccer memories because only people who were there would understand the magnitude of each and every story. Only the boys I called my teammates could ever begin to understand the inside jokes or any of the memories associated with them.

We started out as right around fourteen or fifteen young kids. Our soccer consisted of.

Argenta. Reversible jerseys. SporTrak. The Perogies. The Sentinels. Moon Crazy Raptors. Coach Derek. 

We stuck to our guns and kept most of those kids. Some moved away and others joined in. The core group remained the same.

PISA. Southpointe. Middle school soccer. Travel soccer. Edinboro. Geneva. Stick fight at Geneva.  Coach Derek.

We made it to high school pretty much intact. By the end of it we were only 11 seniors. We made up an entire team. The high school memories are the ones I remember most fondly.

Camp. Slippery Rock. Bethany. Poem Night. Sackifer. Vern. Smelliot. Antiquing. Running after poem night. Warren. Prayers with Johny. Fuckley. 40. Ratboy. Cav. Corsica. Dave's pinky. State Quarterfinals. WPIAL Third Place. Pound some Beaver. Ringgold. Loss. Over. Coach Derek. 

Those last three are the sour tastes left in my mouth from all of my soccer career. Our group left a legacy behind. We changed the face of West Allegheny Soccer. We made our families proud and I know looking back I'm proud to say I played on those teams. I'm proud to call those kids my teammates. If I could go back and do it all again, I would do it in a heartbeat. Not because I regret anything from it, but because it meant more to me than I can explain to you. Playing with a torn quad and a lot of Biofreeze, I didn't care. I wanted to be out there with my friends. I'd do unspeakable things to go back and replay that last game up at Chartiers Valley. I can promise you that if we played that game again there was no way we were losing.

All those bolded words amount to around 1/10 of the memories I have. I'd love to share them with you all, but you really just wouldn't get it.

I miss it so bad it hurts.

NP: Annie- Safetysuit

guys

As guys we like to make everything into a competition. With that being said I want to be the best, at everything. And when it comes to girls I want to be better than a girl's last guy and I don't want there to be a next guy, but if there's going to be one I want to be better than him too. I know I have flaws. Hell I have a bunch of flaws. I'm imperfect anyway you draw it up. But maybe somewhere in this imperfection is something perfect. And if it isn't perfect, maybe it's something right. Maybe it's something beautiful. Maybe under these layers of flaws and insecurities is the guy that will make you happier than you've ever been, just maybe. I look forward to being the guy that girls regret letting walk away, but I'd much rather not walk away in the first place. I just think I'll end up having to walk, there isn't much resistance.

driving life

A couple days ago I drove out to Shadyside and a thought passed through my head...

Driving at different ages shows an understanding of death. The youth tend to drive faster because they feel untouchable. They don't understand how quickly death can snatch them up. Older people drive slow (not talking about Sunday drivers) rather middle age people or older than them. They've witnessed death up close and want to avoid it at all costs. They don't want unneeded risks, they want to preserve this life that they know is so precious.

I'll admit that when I'm driving I'm not always as cautious as I should be. I don't understand death and I don't fear it. Am I aware of it? Yes, but I'm not avoiding risks because I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me.

I need to be more cautious. Believe it or not there is a lot to live for.

live in the now

I've decided that it's nearly impossible to live totally in the here and now. A lot of us, myself included, love to say that we live in the now. Maybe for the most part that's true. We go on day by day having as much carefree fun as we can, living each day up because our days are limited....but our minds will not let us simply live in the now. We constantly dream up scenarios for our futures. We hope that this or that will happen, or that we will be here or there. We try desperately to only think of the now...whether its because we're afraid of what the future holds...or because we know what's going to end, I can't be sure. But we can't just live in the now. Our minds won't let us. We can't fear the future, but we can live in the now. Our minds will wander to the future, but we can't stop that. Minds will wander and thoughts will form. Dreams will be dreamt and that's a well known fact. We don't dream about the now, we dream of the future. Let it happen. Live for now and accept that the future is uncertain. Life is good. I'm happy.

NP: Only The Young- Brandon Flowers

minority life

I think it is an accurate statement to say that nobody likes being called a minority. The term itself has such a negative connotation. Nobody wants the judgmental looks and the whispers. Gay, black, Hispanic it doesn't matter. Surely certain people handle the judgement better than others, but I think that very few if any actually like the negativity put on them for being in a minority.

Being in a minority seems like it's something special though. Whether you choose it or not you're a part of a select group. It's something nobody can take away from you. It sets you aside from everyone else. We all have distinguishing qualities that put us in some sort of minority and anyone who disagrees with that has no distinguishing qualities or has no fight in them.

I find myself in a minority. A small minority that doesn't drink or smoke. I love that minority though. And sure I don't get picked on like someone who is gay might, but I've accepted the scrutiny that might come along with my choice.

If you find yourself in any minority in any facet of life, don't shy away from it. Embrace it.

NP: Lego House- Ed Sheeran

you're ready buddy

In 6 hours my best friend in the world is going to start his physical fitness test at Xavier. This is for him.

Ty,

I know you're ready for this test. This isn't one of Murdoch's stats tests that you needed me for. You only need you. You've worked all summer for this and even before that you busted your ass to even have this chance. Remember I was there with you for a lot of it, but you put in more time than that and you deserve this. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Go out there and own it. Make your not D1 athlete friend proud. Show those fuckers western PA has some talent. Represent for the little guys. Love and miss you dude.

-Tommy

Pitch Black Run

I went on a late night run tonight and like always did some thinking. 

It's easy to feel alone in such a big world. But when you get into a comfortable place, like a run in the pitch black, you realize the only person you need is yourself. My run showed me how beautiful independence is. I would set a goal for my self, set a stopwatch, and I would go and get it. While running I saw Brandon and I was able to stop and talk to him for a little while. Little moments where you have a good talk with someone definitely makes life a little bit sweeter. You can make it through life on your own, but having a few close companions makes it a lot better. 

Life is beautiful when you key in on those little things. Little things like the sun setting at the high school. Run a lap, then walk a lap and reminisce. I could go on for hours with memories from that field. I spent a majority of my time on that turf. 

It reminds me of how much I'll miss this place I call home. I don't necessarily hope this place misses me, rather I hope it remembers me. 

I'm gonna be remembered. One way or another. 

NP: The World's Greatest- R. Kelly

Book Idea

I want to write a book and I think I've stumbled across a topic that interests me and would prove to be a good read. Infinities. 


The majority of the book will focus on the hundreds or thousands of things that play into a single, horrific tragedy happening. It will detail the major "what ifs" associated with the tragedy as well as how the tragedy affected everyone around it. The end will focus on how infinities don't just cause tragedy, they cause extreme happiness. Set in a high school setting with events near and dear to many of our hearts I think I might just be able to capture your attention.

The goal of this book is to make you think, to make you accept unknowns, and to make you wonder.

From what I hear this process is long and tedious, but I want to do it. I have to do it.

for now

It finally hit me last night. The reality of this whole growing up thing, that is. I said my first goodbye and the worst part is that it started with my best friend. I guess we kind of just put it in the back of our mind if we can. We just ignore the fact that it's happening and then when it does happen we feel blindsided.

Yesterday I hung out with all of my best friends for the last time in what will surely be a couple months. It was fantastic and it was devastating. No matter how ready you say you are for college you'll hate those goodbyes. They aren't even goodbyes really. They're just see you laters, sadly in this case, later will be longer than usual.

Before we said our final goodbyes to Ty we stood outside my front door for a solid 20 minutes. We all kept bringing up random things to talk about, trying to delay the inevitable. The thing is, it had to happen. We had to say goodbye. We had to let Ty go and let him, in at least some sense, move on. He knows exactly where to find all of us and he knows that if he doesn't find us that we'll come find him.

True friends are like that. You always know where to find them. They're never absent when you go looking and if you don't find them it's only because they're already out looking for you.

This isn't a goodbye, it's a see you later, you son of a bitch.

NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac

what does it take?

What does it take to prove something to a nonbeliever? How many times do you have to hear something and be showed something before you accept it as truth? Why are we so stubborn?

Our stubbornness has to stem from the thought that we know more than we do. We're cocky in that sense. We think we know all the answers, but if we knew all the answers there'd be no need for questions.

I guess that the easiest thing to say about believing something is that when there is proof, you have to believe it. If someone says they love you and they prove it, believe them. If someone has showed you and told you that you aren't enough for them, don't think you will be. If someone says they won't forget about you, them rest assured knowing you cross their mind from time to time.

All I know is that I have a tough time
believing it when someone tells me I'm a great guy, I'm different, or that I'm the best. Many a times I feel I'm on the verge of greatness, like I'm bordering profound. I just don't know if I'm truly coming up short or if the judges opinions are skewed.

I'm enough, I'm different, and you'd be hard pressed to find someone quite like me. That's a promise.

Don't believe me?

Wait til I'm gone...then you'll understand.

NP: Drunk- Ed Sheeran

Never Be The Same

Have you ever had the feeling that things will never be the same?

With college move in day quickly approaching I have to come to terms that life won't ever be the same as it is now. Faces and scenery will surely change. Friends will be harder to keep in touch with. Family will be present, but not as much as I'm accustomed to. Life is going to be strange for a while.

While next year so much will change I know a few things that will always be there. There's a peach brick house on the last cul-de-sac in Stonebridge that will always be my house. There's a high school field where I feel more comfortable than anywhere else in the world. There's a room inside that peach brick house where I can let it all out. When that isn't enough there is a cemetery just a couple minutes away where I can talk to my Nan. Your home will always be your home.  


In a year's time will I be coming home at six in the morning like I occasionally do now? I can't tell you that. I can't tell you if I'll be at home next summer. I can't tell you a lot.

I can tell you that I'm confident in where I'm coming from, I'm confident in where I'm going, and I'm confident in everything in between.

Like Crazy

I watched a movie last night called Like Crazy. It was a love story about a boy from Los Angeles and a girl from London. The two fall in love while in school in LA and soon Anna has to return to London because her visa has expired. The main theme of the movie had to be something about shitty timing. These two people fell madly in love right before they had to go their separate ways. The rest of the movie is the two of them desperately attempting to make it work. Jacob travels to London to see her and Anna travels to America to see him. while they are separated each of them becomes involved with other people, but as the movie ends Jacob and Anna are together. 

I found the movie to be sort of sad really. It showed how quickly things change. A love that was once untouchable was marred by new loves, by the distance between them, and by changing feelings. The movie revealed a vicious cycle of love and hurt. Leave and come back to where you started. 

I guess it was just bad timing. Still sad as hell though. 

NP: The A Team- Ed Sheeran