Christmas Revisited

This Christmas reminded how fragile life is, and how in an instant the plans you have can become the plans you had. Things change for one reason or another and sometimes they change forever. And that's life. 

We're born with one single guarantee, and that guarantee is that one day we will die. 

And the scary part is that we don't know when that day will come, but that's just how it is. We can't know everything and honestly would you want to know? I guess there are certain occasions where we would, but more often than not I think death is one part of life that is better left in the dark.

When it strikes we feel robbed for so many reasons. We ask ourselves what we could have done to prevent it? What if this? What if that? 

And in almost every single case the answer is that there was nothing you could do to prevent it. 

And that isn't fair. 

But when death strikes you have to trust that there will be people there for you. To comfort you, to cry with you, to listen to you, or just to sit with you. 

 I promise that somebody will always be there for you. 

Death is, sadly, an inevitable part of life. It's the part most people fear, and it carries the most uncertainty along with it. 

To be frank, death is life's ugly tag-along. It's what makes life scary, but it's also what makes life so precious. Because without death we'd have no clue just how incredible life is. 

So here's to life and it's many wonders.  

“The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our separate ways, I to die, and you to live. Which of these two is better only God knows.” -Socrates

NP: The Scientist- Coldplay

Christmas Time

So, it is Christmas morning (approximately 1 a.m.) Which means another year has come and gone, and it's time to give gifts to all our loved ones. This Christmas was the first in a long time where I had trouble building a list. There's nothing I need and very little that I want. Giving gifts is still just as fun as it has always been, but receiving gifts is starting to lose its appeal. 

I guess the problem with building a Christmas list at my age is that the things I want are intangible. As much as I'd love a new pair of shoes I would much rather have a few extra days with my family. And even though I'd like to have some new clothes I'd much rather have another week in Hilton Head with my best friends. The problem is that Santa can't give me more time, he can't make my friends stay in Pittsburgh, and he can't halt my family's lives so they can stay here. 

That's just the way it is, and I'm learning to accept it. Every year on Christmas Eve we open grab bag presents in order from youngest to oldest, and every year I see the same faces with one more year under their belt. And I can't decide if getting older scares me or excites me. With every year of life comes another set of opportunities, but with new opportunities comes the fact that yet another year of life has passed us by. 

But maybe "passed us by" isn't the proper way to word it. "Passed us by" implies we've missed out. Life shouldn't be passing us by, and hopefully life isn't passing me by. 

I don't think it is. I think life is happening and I'm busy living it.

This Christmas I came to a pretty stark realization. Although I was raised Roman Catholic most of my life Christmas has never been about the birth of Christ. Christmas is about family. We used to always go to church on Christmas but it was never so much about church as it was the family being in church together. 

So I guess, to me, Christmas is no longer about presents, and it was never about religion, so that means it has to be about family. Family and friends. And time. 

Because if there's anything Christmas has taught me it's that time is the greatest present you can get. I know for sure that the best presents I'll get this Christmas are time with family around the dining room table, time with friends in Amanda's living room, and time left to just live. 

Enjoy the time you have, everybody. 

And Merry Christmas. 

NP: Carry On- Fun.

CT Trip

So this past week I visited my friends Peter and Steve in Connecticut. Peter and his family were generous enough to pay for my Megabus tickets and put me up in their house for three nights. The trip was unbelievable. It started like so many of my trips before...at the convention center in downtown Pittsburgh.

The Megabus was just as crowded as usual on the way to New York, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Once I got to NYC I hopped on the 1 train and transferred to the 4 to get myself to the beloved Bronx. I walked down East Fordham Road like I did so many times before.

It was sort of surreal being back. The dorms, the caf, and the library all seemed so foreign to me. I guess sometimes I forget how short my time at Fordham actually was.

Which is even more surprising when I think about the friends I made. Peter was willing to pay for me to come to Connecticut for God's sake.

Which reminds me of the hours we spent in his room just talking.

And there's Steve who was in my orientation group. One of my most fond memories of Fordham was during the candlelight ceremony with Steve. I'll never forget that sight. All the freshman with their candles on Eddie's.

Then my wonderful, beautiful, spectacular friend, Kaitlin Lorio. The girl I spent way too many nights in the library with.

And of course, Emily. One of the most unique, funny people I have ever met.

Plus Carly. What a gem.

I really missed Lily, Caroline, and Julia though. Those girls are all something else.

Anyway. After my return to Fordham I headed to Connecticut.

1st time in any New England state, mind you.

I liked it. Very quiet, very suburban, but overall, very nice.

I also got to meet a lot of Peter and Steve's friends, all of whom were really cool.

Thursday night Peter and I spent the majority of our night at their friends, the Hendels' house.

Victoria and Mrs. Hendel are hysterical. Such beautiful people. They're the type of people who make you forget about everything else when you're with them. They sort of captivate you. Mrs. Hendel is just an absolute crack up. Didn't stop laughing the whole time I was there.

This blurb doesn't do justice to any of the people I met. Especially the Fiasconaros. What a great family. Italian as you'll ever see. Which means a couple things: great food (with large portions), loud talking, and overall a loving atmosphere. I couldn't have felt more welcome. Mrs. Fiasconaro called me her son that she didn't have to birth. I sure felt like it. I'm really grateful for everything she did for me.

She gave me the chance to see all my friends again. (Well, almost all.)

Regardless, Connecticut and my trip were amazing. I felt welcomed by everyone I met,  and I couldn't have asked for a better vacation.

NP: Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap

The Great Gatsby

I saw "The Great Gatsby" for the first time tonight and it just reminded me why I love the book so much. I love it so much because I see myself sprinkled through it in so many different places.

the way I see it

This past Sunday I went to watch Jenny compete in her cheer competition at the Pete. I saw something at the competition that really discouraged me. It's something I've noticed for a while now.

It wasn't the six year old girl who knew how to do the wobble that discouraged me.

Instead it was the fact that in this generation we're not teaching kids how to fail. We are encouraging a generation of mediocre medal winners.

What I mean is this: Kids these days (myself included to some extent) are never taught how to cope with losing or disappointment. I watched 6 teams compete in a specific cheer category and each team won a trophy. They announced the 3 last place teams like this, "In no particular order our finalists include..." Finalists? Really? We're going to call these teams finalists when they didn't have to qualify for the competition?

I think that's bullshit.

I understand these girls want to get a trophy, but let's call it for what it is. These parents are paying for their kids to enter competitions and be given a trophy. Paying $100 each for a trophy isn't a very good deal in my opinion.

Also, in my opinion, we aren't being fair to these kids by giving them all trophies and not telling them where they actually finished.

A competition is supposed to be competitive, which this competition was. If you aren't better than your competitors you should be told that outright. Sure you can look at a score sheet and see your score was lower, but nothing got me more motivated than hearing straight up that someone did better than me.

We're raising a generation of kids who don't know what failure is. Maybe that comes along with not telling kids "no" enough as they grow up.

Disappointment and failure are an inevitable part of life.

Life isn't about never being disappointed or never failing. Life is about coping with failure and being okay with disappointment.

I want kids to have trophies.

But I want them to earn them for winning, not for being a "finalist."

NP: Dirty Little Secret- The All-American Rejects

give thanks everyday

So this past Thursday was Thanksgiving. That means social media was filled with everything that people were thankful for. I thought that blogging on Thanksgiving would be way too cliche.

I am thankful though. For many different things in my life.

I'm thankful for my large, loving family. Seeing so many of them this past week was amazing. I can't remember the last time we brought so many people together. Takes me back to the Hilton Head days before college and jobs were a part of my cousins' lives. That's the saddest part of growing up in my opinion. Seeing family grow up and move away. It hasn't hit me that my cousin Joey is 28 years old. I guess I sort of froze him in time in his senior year of high school. That was ten years ago now. Wow.

I'm thankful to have my best friends from high school. It doesn't matter if they're in Charlottesville, Akron, Cincinnati, Bloomington, or right here at Pitt we all manage to stay close. Every time we get together at Amanda's it's like we're back at West A, talking like things haven't changed one bit. The truth is that things have changed quite a bit. New loves, new friends and new homes, but our friendship has held up through all of that. I'm beyond thankful for that.

I'm thankful for all my friends at Fordham who I stay in touch with. Julia, Peter, Kaitlin, Steve, Lily, Emily, Carol, and Rachael. It was this time a year ago when I had told them all that I was leaving. I left, but they've kept me a part of their lives. I can't wait to go up and visit them all. It's way overdue.

I'm thankful for all the new friends I've made at Pitt this year. Zach, Ross, and Nick especially. I never thought Jared, Dave, and I would find a group of guys as strange as us, but I was wrong. They fit right in with us and our weird ways. A really good group of guys who I know have my back.

I'm thankful for friends at Pitt that I made last year. Especially Jeff and Greg. "The Wolfpack" from Tower A. Two of the best guys I know. Greg has really become like a brother to me and I haven't even known him a full year yet. Can't wait to live with both those guys next year.

I'm thankful for my PCB family. I'm so happy to be back playing baseball again. Intramural soccer is great and all, but playing really competitive teams from other schools is something totally different. The road trip to Cornell has been one of the highlights of my semester. I'm pleasantly surprised with how accepting all the guys on the team have been and I can't wait to try and make a run at a World Series title with them in the spring.

Finally, I am thankful for my PSP family. It's a family I didn't expect much from when I was starting out, but now that I'm farther along I can see that these people are going to play a significant role in my college career. I'm especially thankful for my initiate class. 15 of the best people I know.

Those are all the people I am thankful for in my life. Obviously I am also thankful for my parent and Pap and Joyce. They all make me feel like I'm at home whether it's in Oakdale or Oakland.

In addition to all the people I am thankful for I'm thankful for some other things too.

I'm thankful for my family's and my own health.

I'm thankful for all my opportunities, be it school related or personal.

Things like the opportunity to go to school, to learn, to meet to new people, to fall in love.

I'm thankful for a lot, I guess. And next year I'm sure I'll have even more to be thankful for.

NP: Atlas- Coldplay

A Long Time Coming

30 hours of interviews

14 hours worth of study hours

9 hours of meetings

16 hours of social, service, and scholarship events

1 overnight initiate retreat

Those are all the hours spent working towards becoming a brother of Phi Sigma Pi this semester. I was picked as an initiate right around 8 weeks ago and this past weekend I finally became a brother. 

When I first started eight weeks ago my motives for joining were questionable. I rushed as a last second thing because I figured it was a good resume booster if I were to get in. But now, eight weeks later, joining PSP is about a lot more than some stupid resume. 

It's about a group of sixty individuals who, for the most part, are extremely different and at the same time very much the same. 

It's about making myself a better person. 

It's about the fifteen people who were there with me for all those hours.

Those fifteen people make up my initiate class. A group that has come to mean so much to me. Probably more than they'll ever know. We're all so different and yet we manage to mesh so well. I can't thank them enough for all their help and understanding. They've accepted me for who I am with open arms and they've taught me a lot about myself in the process. We've all shared some great experiences as well as some stories I'm sure I should have kept secret. 

Finally, PSP is about Greg and I. We decided to rush together and honestly we had no idea what we got ourselves into. We had our fair share of ups and downs throughout the process but somehow we made it. We didn't always understand why things were happening they way they were, but we kept moving forward. And now we can look back at the 70+ hours of work and say it was worth it. It all paid off. 

I'm really happy I decided to take on this challenge. I'm even happier with the results it has yielded. I've stumbled across some pretty great people already and can't wait to meet even more. 

I really think some of the people I've met will be people present in my life for years to come. Through college and into the future. At least I hope that's the case. 

I see the Pi as a big family of sorts. Complete with people who are in love, best friends who stick together, and like any good family a certain level of dysfunction.

I guess I'm looking forward to the possibility of love, the certainty of best friends, and the chance to add my own dysfunction to the mix.

NP: Snow- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Own Your Life

Yesterday I saw a man walking out of the Cathedral staring at his phone. He had his phone about an inch away from his face and I thought, "What the hell is this guy doing?" Then my eyes panned over to his other hand. He had a white cane in it.

The guy was beaming looking at his phone. He was smiling at his phone even though he couldn't see it.  He was listening to his phone reading him a text message.

I haven't seen something like that in a long time. What I mean is that I haven't seen anything as genuinely moving as that blind man.

This man couldn't see the message being read to him and he would never even see the person who sent him that message. And somehow he was smiling.

Later in the day yesterday I was sitting in the union and saw something else that brought a smile to my face. There was a group meeting of disabled people in one of the ballrooms. One after another people with down syndrome and people confined to wheelchairs made their way past me. One woman in particular made me think.

This woman, who was wheelchair bound, came wheeling out of the ballroom in her motorized wheelchair. It was obvious that she wasn't just physically but also mentally impaired. As she came past me I heard her wheels stop rolling at the front desk. The young girl sitting at the front desk asked if she could help the woman with anything and the woman simply responded, "No dear. I just wanted to wish you a happy holidays. Hopefully I see you again."

I was in awe. "Hopefully I see you again." The woman sounded so genuine in her hope that she would see the girl again. She didn't know the girl, but she genuinely hoped she would be back.

This woman, who was restricted both physically and mentally, took the time to wish a young girl a happy holidays.

So what's my excuse for not always being upbeat and downright cheery?

A grade on a test? A messed up interview?

There is no excuse.

The blind man and the woman in her wheelchair were owning their lives.

They weren't dealt the best hand but they play it out like they're anyone else.

I was humbled yesterday. And now I feel that I need to own my own life.

There's plenty for me to work on so I better get started.

NP: Quesadilla - Walk The Moon

my life be like

They say that life is a beach, 
so my soul is the sand. 
And the waves are experiences,
like the sun on my hand. 

But this beach isn't permanent, 

It could never be so. 

So some footprints will come, 
and some footprints will go.
With an ever-changing tide, 
you may not ever know. 
But those prints in the sand, 
are only memories now. 
Time and tides gone by,
you'll just wonder how.
How this life got so crazy,
how it went by so fast. 
How those from the present fell into the past.

But those times are behind you,

they're only memories now. 

Memories that built up, 

that even time can't tear down.

So I'll continue on, 
miles down the beach.
Searching for something,
or somebody to reach. 
It's a walk on the beach, 

and a splash in the sea. 

It's a story of you,
and a story of me. 

finale

So today I finished the last episode of Scrubs. There's no denying it is arguably my favorite tv series ever. I hate when you finally get to the end of a television series that you really like. You're so used to having something to look forward to that when it's gone you feel a little empty. Thankfully Scrubs ended just the way I would have wanted. The ending montage was nothing short of perfect. 

I feel like some shows are really able to connect with you. Scrubs was that way with me. Each of the main characters, at one point or another, was my favorite. I was able to connect with what was happening and I saw people from my life in those characters. 

JD and Turk essentially are Jared and Dave. 

My favorite part of the series were all the different thoughts and quotes JD would have. One in particular from this episode got to me...

"I guess it's because we all wanna believe that what we do is very important. That people hang onto our every word. That they care what we think. The truth is you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone feel a little bit better. After that it's all about the people that you let into your life."

I know I'm one of those people. 

Who wants to believe I'm important. Who wants people to hang onto every word I say. Who wants people to care what I think.

Truth be told very few people will believe I'm important, very few will hang onto anything I say, and even fewer will actually care what I think. But maybe if I find someone who does care I can convince them to stay. Maybe I can let them into my life, and maybe they'll let me into theirs. 

I feel there are around a dozen or so people whose lives I have impacted in a major way. I'm not sure if all twelve or thirteen would know I was talking about them or not, but I can only hope so. 

NP: Snow- Red Hot Chili Peppers

life update

I'm starting to see new things. I see opportunities everywhere I look. I see things around me that I never noticed before. And it isn't because these things are magically appearing. 

It's me that's changing. And by allowing myself to change I am able to see my world change around me. I'm seeing things from a different perspective. 

I see someone as my replacement now instead of my competition. 

I see new endeavors, new prospects, and new challenges. 

I like what I am seeing and I like the new me. I'm getting better at being alone. I'm waking up with less complaints. I'm being more positive. 

It isn't that I'm having a great day everyday, it's that I'm finding something great even on my bad days.

I've really found my niche here at school. Club baseball has really played a huge part in that. When I tried out I was unsure how I'd be received by the other guys on the team if I were to make it. Now that we've had several series of games I see how I fit in. The trip to Cornell was one of my favorite trips with any team. Not only did we sweep Cornell, but I got to bond with all the guys on the team. Driving there and back was long, but the guys in my car made it much more bearable. Aside from the games and the guys, Cornell was absolutely beautiful. Upstate New York is scenic as ever. 

This past weekend we finished up another series sweep and I think I've solidified the nickname "Wildcard." I'm not sure if it comes from my reckless base running at Cornell, my outlandish comments made on a daily basis, or a mixture of both. But whatever it is, I like it. The guys on the team love to bust my balls by calling me "Tommy No Range," but it's all in good fun. Plus that let's me make pokes at them as well. 

All in all, being back to playing baseball is probably the best thing to happen to me this year.

That's not to say that the fraternity hasn't had a big impact on me because it has. If I do manage to get in (which I really hope I do) then I'll have another group of people to hang with. Our initiate class is awesome. The best part about it is how different we all are. Each of us is unique in one way or another. The five guys are all very different and the same goes for the girls. Our uniqueness along with our dysfunction makes everything a hell of a lot of fun. 

Between baseball and Pi stuff I've been slightly overwhelmed the past few weeks, but if it all works out then it will have been worth the time. 

Now that baseball is over for the semester I need to get back in the gym. I wanna put in all the work I can so I can play whatever role I need to. I would love nothing more than to be playing baseball in late May. Our team has a lot of potential. We just need to make sure we want it bad enough. 

That's all for now. Figured I'd catch you all up on what's going on in my life. 

NP: Hey Ya- Obadiah Parker

sounds of silence

You know those few minutes when you're laying in bed before you doze off.
When everything around you is, for the most part, silent? 
But then your ears adjust to the silence and you begin to hear everything. 
Maybe the ticking of a clock on the wall.
Then a group of girls laughing as they pass by outside.
Possibly the ceiling fan as it whirls around above you. 
But then your ears adjust to all those sounds. 
And now you hear the one sound you should be accustomed to. 
Your voice. 
But you hear it in your head because you're thinking. 
Then you think about the fact you can hear yourself think.
And it's rather unsettling.
So you try your hardest to fall asleep, but you keep hearing yourself.
And your thoughts shift from the moment you're in to the moments that make up your life.
You think of him or her.
You think of home.
You think of where your life is headed.
You think of all the "what ifs."
And, if you're lucky, after a few seconds true silence will take over.
And sometimes silence is exactly what you need.

NP: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight- The Postal Servie

#WAHOOWA

I wasn't sure what to expect when I pulled into the parking garage at the Grand Marc in Charlottesville this past Friday night. The drive down had been long & rainy and in the process of leaving Pittsburgh all hell had seemingly broke loose. 

15 minutes before we were set to leave Pitt a friend of a friend needed taken to UPMC Presby because she fainted and smashed her face off a wall. 30 minutes before the unexpected trip to the hospital I got tagged with a parking ticket for $30...for being 10 minutes late to the meter. 

Needless to say I was under the impression that anything that could go wrong this trip probably would. 

So when Jared, Dave, and I pulled ino the parking garage after 5 and a half hours in the car I felt very relieved. Amanda greeted us with a big smile and showed us to her apartment which was absolutely gorgeous. (100 times nicer but twice as expensive as anything you'll find in South O.)

Then she introduced us to her roommate/best friend/twin, Kara.

Amanda had told me all about this girl but meeting her came as a pleasant surprise. Amanda said that Kara and her were practically attached at the hip. She said Kara was a pretty, lively, smart, and fun girl. I'd say that Amanda's description was pretty darn accurate. When we were first introduced to her I was sure that she'd never buy into our stupid sense of humor...but boy was I wrong. By the end of the trip we had her saying stupid shit like "ANIMAL" "You're Unreal" and "No No No". She also found the Harry Potter Wingardium Leviosa video funny. (Needless to say she's a keeper in our book.)

The trip to Virginia ended up being one the best weekends I've had in as long as I can remember. It wasn't because we did anything especially adventurous or crazy. We sort of just sat around and laughed the way we always have. Amanda showed us UVA's campus, which is beautiful, and then we sort of just chilled at her apartment before we went out to dinner.

In a matter of 43 hours in Virginia we managed to eat out at 4 different places and explored a large part of the campus. I know that everyone involved in this trip (especially Amanda) spent a lot of money to make it happen. And as much as I complain about money being tight if there is one thing I don't mind splurging on it's my friends & family. You couldn't put a price on this trip...much the same way Kara refused to put a price on her show horse.

The best trips are the ones where you don't do much but feel as if you've accomplished a lot. For me it was sitting on the balcony at Amanda's with three of my oldest friends just talking about life and where we were all headed.

I think that the best people to keep in your life are the ones you can talk about the past, the present, and the future with. It's good to remember where you're from, necessary to know where you're at, and perfectly acceptable to have no idea where you're going. A good conversation will include a healthy mix of all three.

When I'm with my best friends we always have all three.

When Sunday rolled around I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed. The worst part about having such a great weekend is the reality of coming back from it. Luckily we all got to see Aunt Pam before heading back.

The drive back was just as rainy as the drive down, but when we got to the Pennsylvania state line the clouds broke. I guess that was nature's way of telling me where I belonged.

Not gonna lie though, I wouldn't mind spending more time down in Charlottesville.

Be it visiting Amanda and Kara or actually taking classes.

It really was a pretty cool place.

Can't wait to get my UVA hat and fleece vest for Christmas!

NP: Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond 

a fine lunch

Occasionally you'll meet a person who isn't quite like any other person you've met before. No matter what you hear about them beforehand nothing prepares you. The encounter might be as short as an hour, but they have such a flamboyant personality that in those sixty minutes you learn so much about them.

The first thing she does is give everyone a big hug, which is expected based on what you've heard. From there you have no idea where this meeting will head. But after a simple lunch date you'll understand that what they say is true. She's one of a kind. If you talk to her a little and listen a lot, you'll find her to be humorous and serious, delightful and hard to forget. There are a few things made immediately obvious to you after lunch is over.

You can tell she loves her kids, is proud of them, and would do anything for them.

You sense she's spiritual because she mentions church and her bible study.

You see she cares about her figure (even though she's thin) because she talks about working out and eats a salad for lunch.

You get the feeling she has a young soul by the fullness of her voice and the confidence with which she speaks.

She jokes around a lot, but one thing she says is especially serious.

She mentions a lost child. A life that ended before it ever got to flourish. And you can see her face change as a look of sadness takes over. But then she mentions a different child. A girl she got to watch grow. Not her own, per se, but one she would grow to love as if she was. A beautiful, dark-haired girl that reminded her of what her daughter would have or could have been.

And just like that her smile is back.

And she's joking.

And she's asking questions.

About you and about the girl she watched grow up.

And since she's smiling you smile too. And you laugh. And you answer as best you can.

And then your lunch ends. And so does your visit to Virginia.

But it was a memorable one.

NP: The Girl- City and Colour

the real rushes in life

I think it is fair to say we have all had certain experiences in our lives that quite literally took our breath away. I experienced one of those moments tonight.

It wasn't anything monumental or life-changing, it was quite simply a ten minute bike ride home.

I can't tell you whether it was the fall breeze hitting me head on or the rush of riding a bike down Fifth Avenue, but somewhere along the way I was left speechless.

I was pedaling my hardest while cars zoomed by me on both sides. It wasn't like I was afraid though. I was totally at peace and totally in awe.

Taken aback by the fact that such a simple event could make me feel such joy.

For those ten minutes I had no worries of unfinished homework or any problems in my personal life. For ten minutes I just pedaled and smiled.

Smiled because nothing else mattered.

All my other obligations were set aside. I had nowhere to be, no one to meet, no one to answer to, and nothing to worry about.

Everything was in order.

All anxieties tossed aside I was able to feel at peace with myself. I thought of some things that made me laugh. And I took a second to tell myself I was proud of the person I'm becoming.

Like I said, nothing monumental, but day by day I'm becoming better.

At what exactly, I can't quite say. I think I'm getting better at being by myself truth be told. I need the company of others less and less. I also am less reliant on my phone.

I'm accepting where I am at in life and where I am headed.

Quite honestly I'm excited for my future.

As uncertain as it is I am excited. There's so much to do. So much to experience. So much to love.

And I'm still so very young.

For the moment everything is as it should be.

NP: Shot at the Night- The Killers

College Life

So this past weekend I got to play competitive baseball for the first time in 18 months. It felt so good to lace up my cleats, put on my jersey, and play for something. I guess that's what you don't get in intramurals. You play and it's competitive, but you aren't playing for something greater than yourself. Sure you have a team but there's no real legacy to be left. 

(Not that I'm claiming a club baseball legacy is much of a legacy.)

But still, there's the possibility. 

Aside from PCB I'm also now in PSP. (That's Phi Sigma Pi)

It's not a real frat in the sense of having to drink myself into oblivion to get in. This fraternity required I had above a 3.0. So far it's been a great way to meet new people.

I guess I'm really settling into this college life. I'm getting involved and I'm worrying about things less and less. 

And yet I still feel this void. I can't quite place where the void is, but late at night I feel it. When it's just me and my thoughts I think about it. Am I ambitious and want more or am I simply discontent? Do I have any reason to be discontent? 

The one thing about me thinking more is it gives me some stuff to write about. Some poems and such have come out of it and I'll share those with you later. 

For now I'm going to put on some music and drift off. This void I'm feeling can't bother me in my sleep.

A Day Late but 5 Years Strong

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday and I got to see him for breakfast which was really nice. If there's one thing college makes me miss it's definitely my parents. Some people dread being home but not me. I love my house and my family. I hope my Dad had a good birthday even though he had to work on it.

Here's another note for you all. 

This October my dad will be 5 years clean and sober. That means 5 Christmases where he was not given a wine glass at dinner. 5 years where my dad orders lemonade or ginger ale when asked if he wants something from the bar. It's 1826 days where I don't have to worry about him coming home. It's 5 years where he never once put his family at risk while driving drunk. But more than anything it's 5 years where my dad has totally been there. Every time I've looked my dad in the eyes for the past 5 years I saw the man who I love more than anything. There was a time where I would look into my dad's eyes and see nothingness. The black pupils were glassed over and seemed to represent an empty being. Now when I look in his eyes I see life. A life that is no longer lived with the vice of drugs or alcohol. For just about 5 years I've told my dad I love him everyday. Anytime he calls me I say it before I hang up. And truth be told I don't think I started doing it until he went away. When you have limited time to talk to your dad you start to cherish it. You make sure you tell him you love him because maybe that's what he needs to hear to make it through another day. 

5 years ago my mom made a huge sacrifice to try and save my dad. I'm thankful every day that she did what she did because my life would be a lot different if my dad didn't spend 90 days away from us all.

That's enough about me though. Here's to 5 years. And may the next 5 be just as great. 

Maybe in five year's time I'll be getting married and get to watch my dad order a lemonade from the bar. I look forward to the day where my dad puts on a tuxedo for my wedding and we sit down together and don't have a beer. There's nobody I'd rather drink a lemonade with than him.

I love you, Dad. 

NP: Dance WIth My Father- Luther Vandross 

500 Days of (Insert Name Here)

For my composition class we were supposed to watch our favorite/least favorite romantic movie. I decided to watch (500) Days of Summer. I encourage you all to watch it because I think it will end up being either your favorite or least favorite romantic film. For me it depends on my mood. When I went to bed last night it was my favorite and when I woke up this morning it was my least favorite. I guess it depends on what you have going on inside your head at the time.

I'll spare you the synopsis of the movie and instead talk, like I have so many times before, about love. I'll also focus in on chance and coincidence.

I'm not sure there is much I can say about love that I haven't said before. However, I recently read a piece of literature for my composition class called "Love's Labors" by Laura Kipnis that gave me a new way of looking at love (quite a cynical way, at that). While I find Ms. Kipnis's comparing of love and it's "labors" to a Marxist USSR  to be quite absurd I think she made some good points (as well as some I think are absurd).

Ms. Kipnis is quite cynical throughout her essay about love, marriage, and monogamy. She continually brings up adultery and desire which she refers to as "incurable". She asks time and time again why we work so hard for love whenever it ends up being ruined by desire, boredom, or because we have an idea of something grander. I think Ms. Kipnis is a bitter old woman truth be told. She is essentially saying that love is doomed and not worth a damn because it'll be ruined by one of the three forces aforementioned. She also proposes that one way to avoid being hurt is that we could just be emotionless. What kind of crap is that? We can't be emotionless and expect to be okay. And we can't not love because of desire.

Desire isn't a cancer to love, Ms. Kipnis, love is the force that quells desire. 

That's my little blurb for love. Now chance and coincidence.

I believe in chance but don't believe in fate. Is that backwards? Are the two really the same thing? I think of fate as something predetermined that is guaranteed to happen, but chance is when something happens based on an impulse. I view chance as missing a bus and meeting someone new, but fate as...damnit they're essentially the same thing. Maybe chance and fate are the same thing and coincidence is what I believe in. Yep, that's it. Coincidence is choosing to get coffee not lunch and meeting someone new. Damnit. I'm lost.

I believe that if something good falls through that something better is out there. That doesn't mean you should simply give up on the good expecting great to fall in your lap. It doesn't work that way. Fate isn't real. Maybe you'll get lucky and meet the great because of a coincidence, or maybe you'll meet the great because you man up and go for it. Maybe, just maybe we have more control than we think. Take control of your life and let coincidences play a minor role.

If you have 500 days to spend with someone I hope you do everything you can to keep them. I hope you show them what you love. I hope you let them in. I hope you take them out. I hope you make sure they know how you feel. I hope you make the most of those 500 days because you never know when things will change. Not because of desire or boredom, but simply because as time goes on, feelings change.

You can't predict what will come of 500 days, and you can't guarantee you'll have 500 days. All you can do is live one day at a time.

It's quite simple really. Take life one day at a time, hope for 500 days, and if you do it right you'll end up with a lot more than 500 days.

NP: She's Got You High-Mumm-ra 

Long Walks/ Varying Degrees of Alone

To whom it may concern. It's 2 am Labor Day morning. I'm walking home. By myself. I'm not sad though. I'm not even alone really. In some way that I can't quite describe I'm surrounded. When you know no one else is awake it's hard to feel alone. Loneliness is an emotion felt when people could be with you but aren't. When you're by yourself and everyone else is fast asleep you can rejoice knowing how much company awaits you later. 

I find myself watching the few people I pass on this walk. So far it's only been 1 girl. I passed her on the stairs and I couldn't help but notice how lonely she looked. Dressed up for a night out with friends she returned alone. I watched her pass and turned back to check on her after a few seconds. You always have to be looking out for people, always. Even when you're just as vulnerable you should lend a hand to help them feel just a tiny bit more comfortable. 

Now a group of people ahead of me. This group, 7 strong, still shows chinks in the armor. Out of 7 only 3 walk with a purpose. The rest lag behind. It's impossible to tell from my point of view if this group had too much to drink or not enough, truth be told the answers would probably vary from person to person.

And now 2 visibly intoxicated kids approach. Loud and obviously looking for some trouble. I put my head down and turn my music up. I have no interest in what they're saying.  I don't change my pace or my path. One intentionally bumps me but I refuse to acknowledge this feeble attempt at upsetting me. 

I pass through Towers lobby to see more friendly faces of freshman and also to reminisce. Back to those nights Greg and I would be in bed by 11 and not fall asleep until 1:30. Simply talking. Two new friends. Two best friends. I remember it all. And I don't plan on forgetting anytime soon. 

But memories have to be sidelined as I enter the muggy air once more. On Forbes I see more people. Friendly faces filled with smiles and unfriendly ones scouring at me.  

I turn down Meyran to finish my night. The only time I divert from my path is here. Simply to make sure everything is at peace. I end up behind a couple who lock hands for their walk home. I can see the girl's hand tense up while the boy stays at ease. He's there for her. And I'm sure she knows it far better than I. I've felt hands tense in mine and I know that I'd never let anything happen to the person I held. I smile for the two of them because of the prospect of what might be. Eventually I leave the two to head down the tight alleyway to my front door. 

I have arrived. I'm no different physically than I was some 20 minutes ago when I left. (With the exception of a drop of sweat on my brow.) But somehow I've grown in this short walk. I've seen people alone when they're by themselves, I've seen people alone in a group, I've seen people together in a pair, and I've felt surrounded with no one around. I walked myself home and didn't think once about myself, instead I focused on those around me. I think it's time to start doing that when everyone is awake. Less about me and more about all of you. 

I love you all. Every last one of you.

NP: Make it Home- Hoodie Allen

Scrubs

I've been watching a ton of Scrubs recently and I have to say it's my favorite TV show. My film professor told us that everything we see in movies and TV is scripted, so describing them as "real" or "realistic" isn't all that accurate. Honestly though, screw what he said. Real isn't a concept that needs to be dissected under a microscope. Anything that resonates with you is real to you. To me Scrubs is realistic and the situations presented are so incredibly well written I oftentimes wish I could be inside Sacred Heart making memories with the actors.

The episode I just finished watching ended with JD narrating as Elliot left with Sean. Earlier in the episode she had asked JD to remember that he is supposed to be her friend.

I guess somewhere along the way while JD was falling in love with Elliot he forgot that they had started out simply as friends. Obviously watching the person you love be somewhere else and with someone else is just plain awful, but at the end of the episode JD remembers what he has to do.

"Sometimes, well sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend. Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make." 

Before you can love someone you have to befriend them. Which means that your first loyalty to them isn't as a lover but as a friend. Sometimes it's hard to do that.

I guess what you have to do in that sort of situation it be a tiny bit less selfish. You have to put aside your own feelings and emotions and do what your friend needs you to do. Sometimes your friend will need you to talk them down from the ledge, sometimes they'll need you to stand up for them, sometimes they'll need you to just listen, and sometimes they might need you to leave them alone.

And while sometimes it seems unfair and hard to do, if you love them as a friend, or as whatever you claim to love them as, you'll be able to do it.

NP: Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips

that time

Have you ever taken the time to recognize when you're most at peace? How about when you're the most shook up? The time you're a little out of it? Or maybe the time you're 100% there?

I think each and every one of us is a little different in this aspect. We each feel certain things at certain parts of the day or when a certain thing happens to us. 

For me I'm the most shook up when I'm alone for too long. Probably something I should work on because independence is a huge part of life. 

I'm the most out of it somewhere in the middle of my day when I'm not quite sure what to do next. 

I'm the most with it immediately when I wake up and I know I have 16 hours to get something done before I sleep again.

I'm most at peace for a few minutes. Those few minutes right before I close my eyes for good for the night. It comes right after the "what ifs" and endless scenarios played out in my mind. When I lay down I think about problems in the world and problems with my golf swing. I think about how hot it is, what I'm going to wear tomorrow, and which way to walk to class. I think about my family and friends. I think about guys and girls. I think about love. And after all that thinking, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours later, I enter a state of pure serenity. It's a time where I know that what's next is sleep. I know that I'll close my eyes and all bets are off. Sleeping is the biggest gamble there is, with the worst outcome being never waking up. I sort of see sleep as a middle man between life and death.

Don't think of death as a bad thing though. It's anything but. It's necessary. And like I said, when you lay down your head every night all bets are off. You could wake up to your world being turned upside down, be it for better or for worse. But you won't know unless you take that chance and go to sleep. 

It's about that time for me. 

Night.

NP: Fix You- Coldplay

Leaving

Why is it that we're afraid to leave? 

Is it because we're afraid we won't make it back? Afraid maybe the place we're going is too different? Or is it because we're afraid of what we might be coming back to? 

I think it's the latter. I think we're oftentimes afraid that while we're gone something will change. We usually assume things will change for the worse due to our absence. Afraid that while we're gone our family will be in need of our help, our loved ones will forget us, or that time will simply pass us by. 

We can't be afraid of leaving though. 

Move away and move at your own pace. Don't be afraid to look back or go back to where you started, but don't ever expect things to be exactly how you left them. In fact, when you leave you should expect things to change.

Truth be told when you leave you'll do some changing of your own. Of course you'll be reluctant to admit it because as I said earlier change usually comes with a negative connotation.

Leave. Change. Return. Accept.

Leave where you're comfortable, change if you must, return back home, and accept the situation for what it is.

NP: Coming Home- Diddy

14th Grade

Very shortly I will be starting my time in the fourteenth grade. A grade better known to some as sophomore year of college. I've heard from many that it's going to be my favorite year of college. Sort of the same way I heard from many that high school would be the best days of my life. Regardless of what the "many" say I'm excited and nervous as hell for this coming year.

I feel like I know one thing for certain about this year. That thing being that anything can and hopefully will happen.

One thing has to happen. I need to keep a high GPA. 

Other than that nothing HAS to happen. 

I don't care how I spend my weekends or what I accomplish on any other collegiate front. 

This year is going to be a steady year. No plans for major ups or downs. No plans for any changes in scenery. I need that to keep myself sane. 

But sometimes even the best laid plans change in the blink of an eye.

While I might not know what is ahead of me I can tell you that I'm excited for what might possibly be there. I'm excited to have my own apartment. Excited for a semester where I go in knowing people. Excited to go and visit my friends at their respective schools. Excited to return to where I started. Excited to spend some nights on the floor, some on the futon, and hopefully the majority in my bed. 

I'm excited for whatever this year has for me. I'm excited for the headaches and laughs. I'm excited for the early mornings and late nights. I'm excited to venture into my sophomore year with three of my best friends by my side.

I've said the majority of my goodbyes already and the only ones really left are my parents.

I don't think that the goodbyes are getting any easier, but I think they're becoming less worrisome. What I mean is that when I said goodbye this time I didn't worry about what will come. Maybe it's because I've learned that college is unpredictable or because I've learned that the distance between my friends and I means very little when my friends mean so much.

Or maybe it's because there are some things that'll never change. Like how my friends and I are when we're together. Two nights ago we all got together one last time and it reminded me that some things can stay the same forever. We all might change in one way or another, but there is something in our dynamic that refuses to change.

I think it's the fact that when push comes to shove every one of us would do anything to protect anyone else in the group. We have a bond that I can't quite explain. I guess it's just a bunch of kids who got close toward the end of high school that refuse to forget about each other.

NP: This Road With You- Big Little Lions

health: a gift

For the longest time I didn't understand why people went to school to become doctors. (Not that I was actually unaware of what a doctor did, or that I don't see the need for doctors. I simply never saw anything in it for me.)

To me, going to school to become a doctor seemed to be too long, too hard, and too uninteresting. (Sounds like a typical business student answer I'm sure.)

Recently I've began to see what they do it for. (Aside from the six-figure salary of course.)

I didn't notice it until my mom asked me for some core workouts for her to do. See my mom has been walking a lot more and now wants to strengthen her core. Simply convincing my mom to go on a walk with me gave me a sense of satisfaction that I was helping her.

I assume that's what doctors are in it for. For that feeling in your gut that you're improving someone else's wellbeing.

Obviously a lot of doctors do more than improve someone's fitness. Hell, emergency room doctors actually bring people back to life and prevent them from dying.

Looking at various medical miracles makes what I'm doing look quite simple. If I choose to do investment banking I'll be aiming to improve people's bank accounts not their health. Which begs the question what good is money without health?

I guess my plan is this. Make money and give it away. Live not only for myself but live in a way that others may live because of me. My goal is to let others reap the benefits of my existence. Give back to the world in a way that keeps someone alive or makes their living easier.

Gandhi said, "Live simply so that others simply may live," and I guess I'm sort of aiming for something like that.

NP: Let It Go- The Neighborhood

cheers for 50,000 or 50,000 cheers?

It has been 671 days since I posted my first blog. This will be my 423rd blog. In those 671 days there have been 50,012 visits to my blog. That is an average of 74.5 reads per day and 118.25 reads per post. (These are approximations.) My blog has been visited from people in over 15 different countries. The most accessed post has 464 reads.

Basically what I'm trying to get across is that this thing, this blog, has become more than I ever imagined. There were times it consumed my life. There were times it faded to the back of my mind. It has never left me though. Whether I posted two blogs a day or two blogs a month there has always been someone who accessed my site. Never once in the 671 days that I blogged have I had 0 reads.

This blog isn't to celebrate me getting to 50,000 reads, it's to thank you all for giving me an audience. No great author would be great if people didn't give them a chance. You've all taken a chance on me. Some of you have followed me for close to two years now while some of you have just found out about the blog recently. No matter how many blogs you've read I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for keeping me going, for giving me topics to blog about, for lashing out at me when you thought I was wrong, for comforting me when you thought I was hurt, and more than anything I want to thank you for allowing me into your life.

Whether you read the blog to mock me or stalk me, help me or hurt me, see me triumph or see me fall you have allowed a little part of me in.

In the end maybe 50,000 isn't just a number. Each view this blog gets is unique because every person who reads it is different. Different dynamics mixed with the different moods you are in when you read the blog. One of 50,000 is a loving mother, one is a lost friend, one is an enemy, and one might be a complete stranger. But each and every one counts.

Thank you all, all 50,000 of you, who gave me a reason to write, a reason to read, and a reason to live.

NP: One Year, Six Months- Yellowcard

the night

What you should do tonight is this: Close the door to your room and shut off your lights. Open up all your windows. Lay your head down on your pillow, close your eyes, and listen. Don't think. Just listen. You're not listening for anything in particular, just listening in general. You might hear the whine of a car in the distance, or the sound of crickets chirping, or maybe, if you're lucky enough you'll hear just what you've been waiting to hear. You'll hear nothing. For a brief second you will be completely empty and void of your senses. With your body relaxed into your bed, your eyes closed, and your ears empty you should feel at peace. And when you feel you're in the moment open up your eyes and realize you aren't alone. You and millions of other kids just like you are trying to make sense of this crazy world. Strip yourself of all those senses that cause you so much worry during the day and let the night consume you. Let the night heal you. Goodnight everybody.

what you pay for

Today I went to Starbucks and got coffee and thought a lot about the price charged.

My drink cost me $4.44 for a medium. People who brew their own coffee might laugh at a price like that considering they probably pay about 75 cents per cup. What I realized is that although Starbucks coffee is more expensive you're paying for several different things. 

The smallest cost has to be the cost of the coffee itself. Starbucks coffee isn' the highest quality, that's a pretty well known fact. 

Another cost built in is the cost of labor provided by the worker. Obviously Starbucks has to pay the wage of that worker so some sort of the cost can be attributed to that.

Yet another cost is the cost of convenience. Starbucks drive thru makes coffee on the way to work a possibility if you aren't up in time to get a pot going at home.

One more cost that may or may not be real is the cost of variety. Starbucks offers more options than you can realistically make at home so to a certain degree you're paying for all the options given to you. 

While these four costs probably don't add up to $4.44 there are probably dozens of other costs. One cost I don't think think people notice is the cost attributed to your experience.

When we (figuratively speaking) go on a date to Starbucks and our coffees cost $4.44 and $5.01 we sort of joke about the price. Some portion of that cost has to be attributed to the atmosphere, though. When you go to Starbucks you're paying for the contemporary, alternative vibe given off and for the place to sit and enjoy your coffee. Whether it's inside on a comfy couch or face to face outside in the sun you pay for the chance to interact. (Some might argue that Starbucks has a pretentious feel to it, but honestly if you're thinking that far into it maybe you should be grinding your own beans at home...damn hipsters.)

It's up to you to decide if the prices are fair or not. (Personally they seem fair to me, the only bitch is a 65 cent up-charge for soy milk.) 

Maybe if you think the prices are unfair you need to pick your company more carefully. If you think it's too expensive when you're by yourself maybe you aren't a fun enough date and if it's too expensive with someone else then then you need to find someone worth the price. 

NP: Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

dinner talk

Tonight I sat at my dinner table with Ty & Chad and had some really good talks. I think the best part about summer is that one night my mom will be cooking for only herself and the next night there are 6 people at the dinner table, only two of whom are related to her. Summer is unruly like that.

Chad, Ty, and I didn't talk about anything groundbreaking. We simply talked about where we've been, where we're at, and where we're headed. 

Chad talked a lot about Indiana. From his expectations to his worries and everything in between. Ty and I told him the little bit that we think we've learned so far in college and told him to enjoy himself. We also told him to be on the look out because Indiana is a state school with some gorgeous girls. 

For Ty and I we're headed back to where we were last semester. Both very content with our situations and ready for what the next year holds for us. 

Talking about where we've been was easy for three kids who went to high school together. We reminisced on classes together, on people that have changed, and on people that will probably never change. We had some laughs about it and realized that we've done pretty well for ourselves.

I guess the most important type of talk is when you talk about where you're at. Looking back on our conversation I'd say that talking about the present is the least talked about subject. It makes sense that it would be that way because it's just easier to talk about what might be and what has already been.

Talking about what is isn't an easy task. It's hard to assess where we are when we are in that moment. It's hard to talk about what's keeping us going, what's making us laugh, and what's dragging us down. I guess that the present is something that's ever-changing and hard to grasp. 

It's important to talk about where you've been because that's what made you who you are today. It's important to talk about where you're going because that's what you'll be remembered for. And it's important to talk about where you are to keep you sane and grounded. Talking about the future and past is only as good as your state in the present. 

Our present is a byproduct of our past that will create our future, so we have to talk about it. 

NP: Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood

justice has failed him

So yesterday George Zimmerman was found not guilty by a six-person jury in Florida. I'll spare you all the details on the case because frankly I don't know all of them and every source I check will offer a slightly different account. I will however give you the basis of it and tell you what I think. If you don't care what I think then close your browser now. I don't need any of those smart ass people asking where my law degree is from. 

Here's a quick overview of the case followed by my opinions...

Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old African American boy who was walking home from a convenience store when George Zimmerman, a 28 year old Hispanic American man, got out of his car to confront the boy. What transpired between 7:09 P.M. and 7:16 P.M. is uncertain but what is certain is that when police arrived they found Trayvon Martin dead, a victim of a gunshot wound to the chest. 

Now I'm not claiming to know all the facts. I want to make that blatantly obvious for everyone reading. Here's my opinion though. 

George Zimmerman was a self-appointed neighborhood watchman. He was not a part of any organized, state recognized group. His neighbors had agreed to let him lead the town's watch, but it was not set up by the actual Neighborhood Watch organization. (To me that screams vigilante with a hero complex.) Before Zimmerman approached Martin he called police. He threw around phrases like, "He's up to no good," and, "They always get away." (To me that sounds like a man looking for trouble.) When George Zimmerman got out of his car to pursue Trayvon he broke the primary tenet of Neighborhood Watch. Neighborhood Watch explicitly states that no member should pursue a suspect. Their job is simply to alert police. The only problem is that Zimmerman wasn't a part of Neighborhood Watch, HE MADE UP HIS POSITION. 

While we don't know exactly what happened next we know that Martin and Zimmerman got into a physical altercation. It is unclear who hit who first but what is clear is that George Zimmerman pulled his gun out and shot an innocent 17 year old to death in cold blood. On a 911 call made by a neighbor you can hear someone yelling for help. (It is unclear whether it is Zimmerman or Trayvon.) One neighbor said they spotted Trayvon on top of Zimmerman doing a "ground and pound" which is a term used in ultimate fighting where one man straddles another and basically punches the one on the ground senseless. I saw the picture of George Zimmerman's injuries. He had a broken nose and some scratches on the back of his head. Was George Zimmerman hurt? Yes. We're his injuries life threatening? No, not even close. 

Frankly I don't care who hit who first. When Zimmerman got out of his car he was in the wrong. If I was a 17 year old kid walking home and a man approximately 10 years older than me approached me I would get defensive too. If he used inflammatory language towards me or physically assaulted me I would fight back until I felt safe. If that means straddling him and punching him senseless then yes, I would do that too.

George Zimmerman got off on "self defense" but I think the jury forgot about Trayvon Martin's right to self defense. A defense against racial profiling and against being followed by a man when he was doing nothing wrong. 

Zimmerman said that Trayvon had something in his hand and at one point was reaching for his waistband. He was right. A pack of skittles and a pop. God forbid he shake up a pop and squirt Zimmerman to death with it. 

I understand that Trayvon Martin had past run ins with authorities. Tardiness and truancy at school, as well as having a marijuana pipe and empty bag with remnants of marijuana. However, George Zimmerman has a past with the law as well. (You can look that one up for some proof if you want.) I also understand the area of Florida this occurred in has an above average rate of crime and that the neighborhood in particular had some break ins recently. But what type of crimes occur at 7:00 P.M.? 

Also, just to clarify another point for everyone. Trayvon Martin was 5'11" tall. Not 6'2" like some reports stated. And George Zimmerman is 5'8" tall. To some I'm sure that sounds like a real disadvantage in a fight, but the truth of the matter is Zimmerman had Martin by 27 pounds. (185 to 158) I'm built exactly like George Zimmerman and truth be told I like my chances against a taller, lankier person. But that's beside the point.

Basically what it comes down to for me is this:

1. It was 7:00 when this all occurred. PEOPLE DO NOT ROB HOUSES AT DINNER TIME. People rob houses in the middle of the night. 

2. George Zimmerman pursued Trayvon Martin without solid evidence of any wrongdoing.

3. During a physical altercation he pulled out a gun and shot a 17 year old to death. 

I hate that people turned this case into a race case because it is anything but. What this case is is wrongdoing on the part of George Zimmerman. I'm certain that if you asked police officers what they would have done in Zimmerman's situation they would have watched the boy, maybe trailed him and asked him where he was going, but they wouldn't have pursued on foot, no questions asked ready to pull their gun.

In my opinion when a person is shot to death in America someone broke the law. And according to that Florida jury since George Zimmerman didn't break it for what he did Trayvon Martin must've been guilty of 1st degree wrong place at the wrong time and 3rd degree wanting to go home. 

Bullshit. That's what it is. And it's a bullshit law if that's what allowed Zimmerman to walk. We live in a country where the law puts Plaxico Burress in jail for shooting himself in the leg, but lets George Zimmerman walk when he shoots a teenager. That's just wrong. 

That's all I have to say. 

NP: Changes- Tupac

thankful

The highlights of today were a great meal, another family game night, and another victory in family game night.

Also we went to the outlets today and I did some browsing. Joyce, Jenny, and mom did shopping while Pap and I did some looking.

The two of us pointed out things we liked before eventually deciding we didn't need a single thing. I think we had as much fun pointing out absurd prices as we did actually looking at things. Pap explained to me that some people simply look for great deals on designer name stuff. He pointed out a Polo Ralph Lauren sport coat that was originally $1,799 but marked down to $499. Pap said something along the lines of, "That's a really good deal as far as that jacket goes." He made sure to point out that it's relative. Why does someone need a jacket marked down from $1,799 to $499 when you can find a jacket you look just as nice in for $250 not marked down at all? The answer, for me at least, is that you don't.

Don't get me wrong, my grandfather has nice clothes. In fact I'm sure he has some clothes that would be considered exorbitant in price by many people. The beauty of it is that when you make a lot of money you get to choose what you splurge for. My grandfather has always put his loved ones before him. He was happier buying my Nan a beautiful, expensive dress rather than buying himself something. (Eventually she made him start buying expensive jackets, watches, etc.) The point is that he's selfless and chooses to spend his money on someone else. To this day I believe he'd rather buy Joyce a sweater she doesn't need rather than buy himself a sweater he might want.

I'm like my Pap in that sense. I choose to stash my money away because I know at any time I might need it for an emergency. An emergency like taking someone out to dinner and a movie or to get ice cream. To me that's worth more than any button up shirt or pair of jeans.

When I walk into a store I look for something I need. Truth be told 99 out of 100 times I couldn't find a single thing I need. That's why 1 out of every 100 times is when I buy something. If I don't need it I don't buy it, simple as that. Oftentimes people confuse my lack of need for a lack of like. It isn't that I don't like a lot of the stuff in these stores, it's that I don't need it.

Sadly, in other aspects of life I live totally by my id. I allow myself to indulge in what I want even when I know it isn't what I need. I do this time and time again no matter how bad it is for me.

These wants come on an emotional level, a level which I am able to rationalize the choices I make. I rationalize easier with emotions than I do with money.

I guess to some degree that's because I can't just look at my emotional piggy bank and see the hits it takes for indulging in some stupid want. Very different from opening my wallet and giving myself a hard time for spending $15 on a pair of shorts that I certainly didn't need.

It isn't like opening a drawer on my dresser and seeing I have five white tee shirts and deciding I don't need another. There's no drawer for me to keep an emotional inventory with. But damn that would be nice.

I'm talking walk into my room, open a drawer and say, "Well I have plenty of love and humor, but I really need some stability and gratification. I'd like some passion but I don't need it."

I guess that type of drawer is one found inside oneself. It takes some deep introspection to figure out what you really need and it takes some serious will power to actually go about pursuing it. I'm not quite there yet.

I'm working my way up to an emotional understanding of myself while simultaneously trying to achieve the level of wealth necessary to buy what I want and not just what I need.

One day I'm going to make enough money where I don't have to worry about it. And hopefully, if I do it right I'll be in a sound place emotionally. A place where I check the drawer and see I have everything that I need all lined up.

It takes time people.

NP: Pieces- Sum 41

digging this late

Best part of today was having a family game night, and the second best part was winning family game night.

This vacation has been much needed. Relaxing, fun, and familial. 

My sleep patterns have gotten worse though. Every night I stay up well past when I'm done talking to anyone and I sort of talk to myself.

Never out loud, but I let my mind wander and it's just the same as talking to myself. 

I scour the Internet and social media sites picking apart every single thing I see. I dig deeper and deeper trying to find how serious something is.

Every night I try to figure out what's next. Next for me to read, to understand, to see, or to encounter. 

And each and every night I come to the same realization. I don't know what's next.

Each day that passes I'm no closer to understanding. 

And that's okay because I don't have to understand. 

I just have to keep trying.

NP: Lego House- Ed Sheeran