thankful

The highlights of today were a great meal, another family game night, and another victory in family game night.

Also we went to the outlets today and I did some browsing. Joyce, Jenny, and mom did shopping while Pap and I did some looking.

The two of us pointed out things we liked before eventually deciding we didn't need a single thing. I think we had as much fun pointing out absurd prices as we did actually looking at things. Pap explained to me that some people simply look for great deals on designer name stuff. He pointed out a Polo Ralph Lauren sport coat that was originally $1,799 but marked down to $499. Pap said something along the lines of, "That's a really good deal as far as that jacket goes." He made sure to point out that it's relative. Why does someone need a jacket marked down from $1,799 to $499 when you can find a jacket you look just as nice in for $250 not marked down at all? The answer, for me at least, is that you don't.

Don't get me wrong, my grandfather has nice clothes. In fact I'm sure he has some clothes that would be considered exorbitant in price by many people. The beauty of it is that when you make a lot of money you get to choose what you splurge for. My grandfather has always put his loved ones before him. He was happier buying my Nan a beautiful, expensive dress rather than buying himself something. (Eventually she made him start buying expensive jackets, watches, etc.) The point is that he's selfless and chooses to spend his money on someone else. To this day I believe he'd rather buy Joyce a sweater she doesn't need rather than buy himself a sweater he might want.

I'm like my Pap in that sense. I choose to stash my money away because I know at any time I might need it for an emergency. An emergency like taking someone out to dinner and a movie or to get ice cream. To me that's worth more than any button up shirt or pair of jeans.

When I walk into a store I look for something I need. Truth be told 99 out of 100 times I couldn't find a single thing I need. That's why 1 out of every 100 times is when I buy something. If I don't need it I don't buy it, simple as that. Oftentimes people confuse my lack of need for a lack of like. It isn't that I don't like a lot of the stuff in these stores, it's that I don't need it.

Sadly, in other aspects of life I live totally by my id. I allow myself to indulge in what I want even when I know it isn't what I need. I do this time and time again no matter how bad it is for me.

These wants come on an emotional level, a level which I am able to rationalize the choices I make. I rationalize easier with emotions than I do with money.

I guess to some degree that's because I can't just look at my emotional piggy bank and see the hits it takes for indulging in some stupid want. Very different from opening my wallet and giving myself a hard time for spending $15 on a pair of shorts that I certainly didn't need.

It isn't like opening a drawer on my dresser and seeing I have five white tee shirts and deciding I don't need another. There's no drawer for me to keep an emotional inventory with. But damn that would be nice.

I'm talking walk into my room, open a drawer and say, "Well I have plenty of love and humor, but I really need some stability and gratification. I'd like some passion but I don't need it."

I guess that type of drawer is one found inside oneself. It takes some deep introspection to figure out what you really need and it takes some serious will power to actually go about pursuing it. I'm not quite there yet.

I'm working my way up to an emotional understanding of myself while simultaneously trying to achieve the level of wealth necessary to buy what I want and not just what I need.

One day I'm going to make enough money where I don't have to worry about it. And hopefully, if I do it right I'll be in a sound place emotionally. A place where I check the drawer and see I have everything that I need all lined up.

It takes time people.

NP: Pieces- Sum 41