yom kippur

I'm not Jewish, nor do I claim to be. I just saw all the Jewish people I know apologizing for things on Twitter and Facebook so I guess you atone for any wrongdoings you have committed in the last year. I'd like to take this time to apologize too...

I'd like to apologize to anyone I've ever wronged intentionally. Whoever you are, I am sorry. Intentionally wronging you means that I was extremely weak at that time. Whether you deserved what I did to you or not I am sorry.

I'd like to apologize to anyone I've unknowingly wronged. I'm sure more people fall into this category than I'll ever know. I joke around a lot, and I mean A LOT, and I'm sure I take it too far at times. If my joking has ever got past the point of a joke and actually upset you then I am sorry. I really didn't mean it.

I'd like to apologize to anyone I will wrong in any way in the future. It would be ignorant to think I'll never do wrong to someone again. I'll hurt people, and for that, I am sorry.

I'd like to apologize to myself. I've let myself down before and in fact letting down others is the worst let down for me. I hate disappointing people, especially those close to me. The closest being myself.

I'd also like to take this last part to forgive myself. Forgive myself for letting down or hurting any of you, and also for letting down and hurting myself. If you can't forgive yourself you're going to have a tough time in this life. I promise you that.

Apologize and forgive.

I'm Here

This week is off to a better start. Hanging with John and Joe Lach on Friday was nice. It made me realize something though. I don't think I'm made to live in the city. I think I'm made to love the city, but I couldn't live here. The crowded apartments and public transportation. That just isn't for me.

I'm in love with New York, I really am, but I can't live here.

I'm a suburban PA kid at heart. I'm a hop in the Subaru and drive somewhere kid, not a catch the subway kind of kid.

I could handle life in Oakland or Shadyside because I like having a house. Apartments aren't for me. Granted I won't always be able to afford a house, but a penthouse apartment just doesn't appeal to me the same way a house like my one in Oakdale does. A doorman? I'd rather just have a dog that watches my house.

I'm not sure if it's the fast pace that I don't like or the bajillions of people. The impersonal feel of such a large city. I like having real neighbors. Maybe this is all an overreaction, but I honestly could never see myself settling down and having a family in New York City. I just couldn't.

Feeling a bit indifferent towards most things right now. I'm beyond excited to come home and see my two best friends this weekend though. I haven't seen Ty in nearly two months and Ash in nearly two weeks. I'm 100% sure that Ty and I will pick right back up where we left off in summer. The kid is like my brother. I look up to him and I don't think he even knows it.

He's chasing his dream. I'm not sure I can say the same about myself. I'm in the business school. I want to write. See the problem?

I'll find my way. One way or another I will. I'm gonna end up where I need to end up. That's guaranteed.

NP: Over- Drake

scar tissue

Have you ever taken the time to examine your scars? I'm not talking about just identifying where they are, I'm saying have you ever evaluated those scars and seen the stories they might have to tell?

Looking at my body I can find plenty of scars.

My legs are covered in scars from both soccer and baseball. I have two other scars that have been concealed a bit over time.

One scar is above my left eye. I was at the doctor's office with my mom at about three years old when I bolted out of the room. I came around the corner and ran smack into the edge of a coffee table.

Looking at that scar I guess it was the world's way of showing me not to run away from my mom. It's pretty symbolic if you really look into it. Symbolic and ironic at the same time. Ironic because I got hurt at the doctor's office.

Looking at that scar I can tell that I should never run away from my momma. She always has my best interest in mind. I guess at a very young age I learned leaving her side could be dangerous.

The other scar I have is behind my right ear. I want to say it was sixth grade when it happened. I was outside in my front yard when my neighbor across the street began riding his electric powered mini car at me. I kept backing up and backing up until I ripped my ear open on a pillar in front of my house. My ear bled like crazy and I had to go to the ER.

If I had to overanalyze this scar I would say that it tells me never to back down. Never let your fears drive you back. All I had to do was step to one side or the other and I would have been fine. I was a bit scared though. Don't be scared.

Those are my visible scars.

God knows I have some that nobody can see.

I broke my leg once, my wrist once, and tore my quad once. Those bones have mended and my quad has calcified and healed as much as it can. Even those mended bones and fixed muscles leave behind scarred tissue. It can't be seen, but you know it's there.

Those scars are all physically inflicted wounds. I'd venture to say that the majority of scars aren't visible. I'd also guess that most scarring is emotional.

It's easier to hide those scars in my opinion, but unlike physical scars, emotional ones are the ones that become more noticeable over time. Physical scars fade, while emotional scars surface.

I've got scars of all sorts, ask me about them if you'd like.

NP: Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers

sweet set up

I have a pretty sweet set up right now. You see, the thing is, I'm dating my best friend. 

I only had one girlfriend through middle school in high school. For four years I had a girlfriend and I had a best friend that whole time too. The two were not the same person though. I jumped into a relationship at the beginning of eighth grade. I wasn't friends with my girlfriend before that point. Sure, I became friends with her in time, but I never would have called her my best friend.

This time is different.

This time I went from the acquaintance stage, our junior year, to the friends stage throughout most of senior year. To be honest I was pretty sure I was in a type of glass ceiling relationship where I could see the next level, but I could never achieve it. In time she became my best friend. When summer rolled around she was still my best friend, but again, the glass ceiling feeling. Wanting more but thinking I'd never get there.

Then I left for school and boom, now she's my girlfriend. Not the normal way things play out, at all, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The cool part is this... I can watch tv with her like she's just my best friend, I can take her on dates like she's just my girlfriend, but no matter what we're doing I can just be myself. It's a natural friendship that evolved into much more.

I also think of it like this... there are some things I tell her as my friend, some things I tell her as my girlfriend, and some things I tell her as both. I tell her everything, and that is pretty cool.

I'm lucky.

Luckier than most.

Madly. Crazily. Happily.

In love.

NP: Too Close- Alex Clare

bus encounter

Last night I caught the 11:45 Megabus back to NYC from Pittsburgh. I boarded the bus, ascended the stairs, and sat down next to a young man who looked pretty harmless.

The first thing he did was offer me a beer. I politely refused. His name was Brendan. He asked me if I went to Penn State and I told him that I went to a school in New York called Fordham. He said he knows Fordham and he went on to tell me that he went to Penn State, but now he works in New York City. He told me he hated his job and asked me my major. I told him accounting, but that I didn't want to crunch number for the rest of my life. He told me it was okay to hate your job, that everybody's 9 to 5 sucks. He asked me what year I was and when I told him I was a freshman he sighed, "I'm so jealous of you," he said, "I envy you. You have the best four years of your life ahead of you." I laughed and said that's what everybody tells me. He went on to tell me he had regrets about college...I told him he didn't have to list them. He was grateful for that. My phone lit up for a second and he saw the picture of Ashley as my screen background and he asked, "You have a girlfriend?" I replied yes and that she is why I was back in Pittsburgh. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry to say it, but it won't last." I laughed at that too. He shut up for a little while and decided to move up a seat in front to sit with a girl he had been chatting with. I put in headphones, but as I laid my head down one fell out. I heard Brendan talking to the girl about me. Nothing malicious, just how I was young and naive and how it wouldn't last, it never does. He told Amy, that was the girl's name, about how he had a girlfriend of two years and after college it fell apart. He had told me the same thing and that she was the greatest girl he ever met. He told Amy he didn't mean to crush my hopes and dreams but that it was the reality of it.

You see, what Brendan didn't know was that he challenged me. He's just another person that wants me to think certain things are impossible. Brendan was in no way a bad person, he was just in a bit of a drunken stupor. He meant every word he said and everything that he said was what he believed to be the truth. Thank you for that, Brendan. Not that you'll ever read this, but thanks. Thanks for showing me what I don't want to be like in four years time.

You see, Brendan, you and I are very different.
You have a job you hate. I refuse to do that. I refuse to settle. 
You let the girl you loved walk away. I won't. 

I'm very aware of the fact that he was just trying to tell me what he believed was the truth...he was wrong though. Plain and simple he was wrong.

I'm not going to end up like Brendan. A sad, alone, unhappy, 22 year old kid telling an 18 year old that his love won't last.

In four years if I find myself next to an 18 year old kid on the Megabus I plan on telling him he can do whatever he wants. That if he loves something, whatever it is, he can make it happen. You see Brendan made the grave mistake of thinking I was anything like him. I'm not though. That 18 year old boy I meet years from now won't be like me either, and because of that I cannot tell him that something won't work. I'm not here to crush hopes and dreams.

I'm here to inspire.

I don't quit on things. Especially not on things I love.

NP: Missed Calls- Mac Miller

you wake up and it's forever

Have you ever woken up next to somebody and had them say, "I want this forever."? And in that moment the little voice inside you says, "Forever is a long time. Maybe that's a bold statement." but in the eyes of the girl looking back at you is yourself. And not only do you see yourself, you see the you that would be lost without her. You tell her that you want forever too, and you know deep down that you mean it. You're very cognizant of the fact that it's going to be difficult, that at times it's going to hurt, but looking at her you know it'll all be worth it.

You know you aren't perfect and she isn't either, but that in somewhere in your imperfections the two of you are perfect, for each other at least.

The littlest things she does are the things you love the most. (you love the big things too) You go out of your way to make her smile. You have a lot of firsts with her. Including taking her someplace you've never taken anyone else.

You spend the next half hour talking about the future. Talking about something that's very uncertain. Uncertain doesn't mean impossible though.

I'm not someone who likes to talk about things that aren't for sure, about things I can't guarantee. I feel like I'm in control of this though. I talk about forever because I know what I want. I'm only eighteen, but I'm not stupid.

Call her my weakness, I guess you could say she makes me weak. More than making me weak she makes me strong though. And more than making me strong she makes me smile.

You could call this a perfect weekend, I wouldn't argue with that at all.

NP: Angel- Shaggy

11 years of 9/11

Spending the eleventh anniversary of 9/11 in New York is surreal. I dare not venture to the 9/11 Memorial today because I feel it isn't my place. I want to see the beautiful memorial, but not on a day like today. Today is a day for the families and friends of those who perished.

To act like I have any business being there with them would be shameful.

Eleven years ago today our country was shook. To say I had an understanding of the severity of what happened in second grade would be a lie. Even today I can't grasp the full picture of what happened. I'll never understand why it happened. I'll never understand the full scale effects it had and is still having.

It was a day that changed America. It brought about a lot of fear and it brought about even more hatred.

It unified us, it inspired us, it scared us, and it showed us that being scared is okay.

It showed us that we're stronger than we seem.

I'm at a loss for words on a day like today. Walking to class this little blurb struck me...

There's a brisk breeze blowing that refuses to let you forget. 
Not that we would forget,
or that we could forget. 
Because forgetting would mean saying it was okay,
and saying it was okay would mean giving up.
And giving up would be unfair, 
unfair because those who died never did.
But we won't forget.
The breeze won't let us. 

Today is a sobering day.

NP: Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

the truest truth is total trust

The title kind of says it all. The most truthful thing is when you have total trust in another person. I've said on here it isn't hard to gain my trust...that was a lie. Very few people have ever fully gained my trust. Probably around three or four ever.

For me trust is based off of a lot of different variables. The main ones being love and respect. I can't fully trust a person if I don't love them in some sense of the word. There also has to be a certain level of respect for that person for me to trust him or her.

If I don't respect a person I can't expect them to have my best intentions in mind, and if they don't have my best intentions in mind how can I trust them? The same goes for love. Not only do I have to love the person, but I have to feel loved by them. Maybe it isn't love so much as it is care. If I can tell that a person truly cares about me then I have trust in them.

Other factors include past experiences with the person and what I feel their intentions are.

Before I share something with someone I judge whether or not I feel they are in it for their own personal betterment. Some people come to your aid only to help themselves. They don't say that is the case, but oftentimes they want nothing more than to see what you're up to and make sure they're a leg up.

Obviously previous encounters play a huge part in trust too. If a person acts in a deceitful way or a way that hurts you, the chances are you will not fully trust them again.

Some people are just easier to trust than others. Maybe that's because we know immediately who is in control of a situation. We're naturally disposed to trust certain people easier. People who have a lot to hide can either be really easy to trust or really hard to trust. If they're going to confide in you, then more than likely you'll return the favor. Then you keep the playing field level.

I guess trust is a power struggle of sorts. It's about feeling in control of all that you have. You won't give up that power to just anyone. It has to be someone you feel won't hurt you or someone you have something on. It's a see-saw where the person in control can shift quite easily.

The truth of the matter is that truly trustworthy people are few and far between, that secrets shared with one person usually reach the ears of the masses, and that it's a lot easier to lose trust than gain it. 

That doesn't mean you can't trust everyone. There are good people out there.

My trust is like my debit card, I wouldn't hand it out to somebody unless I knew for certain they weren't going to abuse it. 

With my trust comes my heart. So if i've given you my trust, you also have at least some part of my heart. Break one and the other shatters along with it.

Quite the responsibility, huh? I trust you though.

NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's

catch up

It's been a while and I'm sorry for that. I haven't been feeling great and I'm been slacking. My sincerest apologies to everyone.

I guess I'll start with the fact that last night was the worst yet. I had a very lonely day yesterday. I've been going against what I preach.

I want things to be like they were a month ago. 

I miss home, or rather, what I imagine is still my home.

I don't think Oakdale would feel much like home right now though. My friends are scattered. My best friend is in Cincinnati. My baby is in Akron. My other best friends are spread out at Pitt, Virginia, and Akron. My family is still there and they always will be. Home will always be home in that sense.

I miss Ty more than he knows. I miss texting him all day like we used to. I miss him complaining to me like he used to. I guess I sort of took that all for granted.

I miss Ashley. She knows how much though. We talk all day, everyday. Talk about distance making the heart grow fonder. This New York state of mind is racing, thinking about possibilities.

What if I went somewhere else? What if they were closer?

What ifs crush the spirit though.

I called my mom last night and told her exactly how I'm feeling. I told her I don't feel at home yet. That I long for how things used to be. That I'm crazy about this girl in Akron. That I feel so far away from everything.

She told me it's going to take time and that I need to wait and see. She asked me if I was saying I wanted to leave. I told her no. I don't want to let everyone down. It's not just her and Pap I don't want to let down. It's the classmates who congratulated me on getting in to my dream school, it's my friends' parents, and more than anything it's myself.

I don't want to be just another kid who couldn't hack it. That isn't me. I was made for city living and its where I need to be. Like I said when I got here, "I might not want to be here, but I need to be here."

This is an opportunity. I worked my ass off in high school to position myself for the rest of my life. I've arrived, but just when you think you've arrived you need to start again. You need to find that drive and know that making it to school in NYC isn't going to be enough. The internships are there for the taking, the contacts that will help me later on in life are within reach, the opportunities are endless.

I want to be big time, but before I'm big time I have to be the small fish again. I have to scratch and claw my way to the top. I have to get uncomfortable and meet people. I'm blessed to have already found Peter and Steve. They're good guys.

They won't be enough though. I need to find more people. I need a cache of friends.

Last night I was scared, but today I'm motivated. I'm motivated to make something of myself starting today. Wanting isn't enough. Doing is.

Time to do.

8 days.

Tonight, I'm with family. I'm in Forty Fort.

NP: Mansard Roof- Vampire Weekend

timing

More or less, it's all about timing. Our schedules revolve around what time we have to be here or there. We try to be right on time for everything we do, but it's tough to do.

It's even more difficult for the timing to be right when there is no schedule involved. When we don't have someone telling us what time to be ready we more than likely won't be.

The truest problem arises when being late isn't our only worry, but being early is too. There are certain times in life where being early is just as bad as being late. Some things aren't ready for us when we are ready for them. We want something, but the timing just isn't right. We're too early. We try to wait, but it is hard to wait for something that seems like it's never coming around.

Then, sometimes, it does come back around. That doesn't always guarantee that you'll still be waiting though. You can go from being early to being late in the blink of an eye.

There isn't always going to be someone telling you what time is the right time.

In fact, most major things in your life will probably happen by chance. Now in no way am I saying you don't need to be punctual. Being on time for things is essential, especially if you hope of retaining any career. Rather, what I'm saying, is that a lot of timing, well it just happens.

Good timing or bad timing.

Being at the wrong place at the wrong time or being at the right place at the right time.

Sometimes it's about the luck of the draw.

I'm usually someone who ascribes to the idea that we make our own luck, but in certain cases things just fall into place.

Sometimes things fall into place and sometimes they fall apart.

Time is a strange thing and having the right time is a rare accomplishment.

It's not easy to be on time.

Put yourself in the position to be on time and hopefully the time will be right.

I hope the timing is right when you most need it to be.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

settled in

I can truly say I feel settled in at college right now. I miss certain aspects of home, but life here is good. I have my group of friends that I hang out with and I still keep in touch with everyone back home. It's a good mix. It's nice to be hanging with kids here and be texting my best friends back home.

I wake up most days and feel a rush of homesickness. That feeling quickly fades once my day gets moving and I don't feel it the rest of the day. I keep myself busy with classwork and lifting.

I can't wait until the end of the month when I Megabus home and head out to Akron to see Ashley. I'll also get to stop at home and see my family for a little while which is much needed. I didn't think I would but I miss my sister, mom, and Dad. I'll also get to see Ethan out at Akron which will be really nice.

I'm also expecting some visitors up here in NYC. I don't know when that'll be, but I'm excited to show everyone around my favorite city. The other day I spent in the city with John was great. It was relaxing, just walking around and spending some time with my closest cousin. I plan on doing that a lot. (Hopefully that's okay with him.) I'd enjoy spending my weekends on his futon as much as I would in my own bed.

I'm realizing more and more that it isn't about where in the world you are, it's about who in the world you're with. 

Sure, New York is the greatest city on earth, but if I hadn't made friends I wouldn't want to be here. The sights can only ease a person's mind for so long. Truly good company is what makes a place worth living in.

I'd love to live in Manhattan when I get older. Doing what? I'm not sure. It doesn't matter to me where I live though. As long as I have my family with me and I know where my friends are I'll be set. I said that home is where the heart is and that still holds true. The heart can move around though and so can your home.

I really enjoy and identify with the saying, "Home is wherever I am with you." 

I could be anywhere in the world and as long as I had that one person there with me I'd be at home.

I'll be home soon.

NP: Count On Me- Bruno Mars

mend it now or let it hurt forever

Bruises will fade in time. Broken bones will mend too. Some wounds have to be taken care of right away though. Wounds to the heart especially. You can't put those off for another day. You need to address them and correct them as soon as you can.

I have a bruised hand, and I can ignore that. I know that I can let it fix itself.

I have blistered feet. Those will go away in time as well.

You can't let your heart stray though. When you feel that happening you need to rope it back in and figure it out.

I talk about this shit like I know something you guys don't. I'm no better than the rest of you. And anytime I think that, I'm just being a self righteous prick.

I don't feel well today.

Today is a homesick day.

NP: Mr. Brightside- The Killers

subway ride

Today I spent my day with John in the city. We went out to Brooklyn and it was my first time there. A rather enjoyable experience I might add.

On our subway ride back to Manhattan we had a nice little moment together.

John and I were standing on the subway and sitting down a ways across from us was a little baby strapped into a carrier. His mom was typing up an email of some sort and the baby was staring at us. John and I immediately started making faces at the baby. Cracking huge grins, sticking our tongues out, hell it got to the point we were playing peek a boo with a baby that was fifteen feet away from us. We were moving all around on a crowded subway, and you know what? We didn't care.

We didn't care what people though of us. We were doing anything to get a smile on that boy's face.

We had him smiling for a solid ten minutes straight before we were forced to leave our newest friend behind.

That little kid represented innocence. A pure form of innocence. Innocence for John and I as well as for the baby.

That baby had no idea who we were. He had not an inkling as to what our backgrounds were, what our intentions might have been, or where we were from. He didn't have any preconceived notions as to who is good or who is bad. No prejudices towards anyone around him. Nothing like that. He just wanted to smile. 

As for John and I we just wanted to make that little boy happy. Even if it was only for a ten minute subway ride. I don't know what type of home life that boy will have. I don't know if he has a father. I knew nothing about him, but I wanted him to be happy. 

On a subway full of people with their heads down, one little boy had his head held high.

It was pretty symbolic actually.

Shows you how the world can tear you down if you let it.

You have too many smiles in you to do anything else but smile.

The world will give you a reason to put your head down, so it's up to you to have reasons to do the opposite

Find those reasons.

NP: Somewhere Only We Know- Keane