Trick or Treat?

Happy Halloween. That's it. 

Psych. 

Classes got cancelled for the rest of the week so busy doing this instead of homework that is due next week. Hell, I have the weekend, why bother now? 

So Halloween...what a strange holiday. It's a time for guys to dress like girls, for girls to dress like streetwalkers, and for streetwalkers to dress like celebrities. Okay maybe not everybody does that, but I like that generalization and I'm sticking to it. Halloween is cool if you like dressing up and eating candy. Unfortunately for me I'm not a candy person and costumes don't appeal to me. *Cue self righteous comment about how I don't want to be anyone except myself this Halloween* Nah, I'll skip that. I'm not too good for dressing up for Halloween. Rather; I'm just too cheap to buy a cool costume, too uncreative to make my own cool costume, and too proud to have a bad costume. 

I was never a great trick-or-treater growing up. After about three streets I was done. Why the hell would I want to canvas the neighborhood collecting a pillowcase full of candy I had no intentions of eating? I just wanted to dress up in whatever costume came with the best weapons. Zorro was guaranteed to have a cool sword. Army soldier would surely have a gun of some sort. Spiderman has a cool wrist attachment that shot silly string. (It's like I could trick the other people into thinking it was real webs, how naive.) 

Sure, Halloween has lost some of its allure, that's definitely true. That doesn't mean I wouldn't still go out if I really had the urge too. Maybe if I had a partner of some sort. You know, go as Bonnie and Clyde or FDR and Eleanor or maybe Jackie and JFK. (Those are the only power couples that came to mind off the top of my head.) Anyway, this Halloween I'll be listening to music in my dorm by myself until I fall asleep. And I'm happy with that. I'm very content with where I'm at right now. Emotionally at least. 

Hope all is well with my readers this Halloween.

Last thing, trick or treat? 

Good question right? Really thought provoking and mind altering. 

NP: I Almost Do- Taylor Swift

I hope you're good tonight

Pap called me today. We talked for awhile about school and classes and my grades. He told me I need o be patient and positive. He also said something that I've heard from a lot of different people over the years. He goes, "You sell yourself short, you can do more than you think."

I really don't think I do. I'm very aware of what I can do. It's like the quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I'm fairly certain that's the truest thing I've ever heard. I would die to hear that from someone.

Smarter than I think? I'm smart. I'm no brainiac but I have my strong suits.

Braver than I believe? Agreed.

Stronger than I seem? Again, agreed.

There's the confidence you're all looking for. It's here, believe me it's here. I won't forget what I have to offer. I just don't ever feel the need to showcase myself. I'll let others speak on my behalf and when it's my turn to talk I will. Talk about myself? That's not me, that's for the birds and bees.

I know I'm brave, strong, and smart. And I know that I don't need to tell you guys that. If you don't know that then let's be honest, you don't know me.

You might not ever know me, rather you'll know about me, but it doesn't hurt to try.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

extremes

Is going from one extreme to another a good thing or a bad thing? That's the question that was posed and here's the answer I'll give. It depends. 

In many cases moving from one extreme to another can be the best thing for you. For instance if you leave an abusive relationship and find someone who truly cares for you. That's jumping from the lowest point to one of the highest. A necessary change of extreme proportions. In that case going from one extreme to another is good. 

Likewise if you move in the opposite direction it is not good. Not just not good, very bad actually. 

Another example would be this: control of your emotions. I love emotional people, don't get me wrong, but there is something to be said about stability and consistency. Not to say that someone can't be consistently volatile, but being consistently level headed is a good thing to be. I can't tell you not to go from one extreme to another in emotions because we all know that there are certain things that will set a person off. We all have that fuse, be it long or short, we have it, it just has to be found. So in the case of emotional extremes it depends. If you have reason for your emotions to sway then by all means let them sway, but if you're one of those people changing their emotions solely to keep people guessing, that isn't cool. Emotional extremes, undetermined. 

Another thought passed through my head...love. I believe that you love an individual, not a certain type, and while there may be certain things you look for, each person has a different affect on you. What that means is this: you can love extremely different people for extremely different reasons. I love my friend Ty because he's unpredictable as hell, I love Dave because he's usually pretty level headed, I love Schweins because he's never serious, and I love Jared because he's somewhere in between the three. I love my mom for different reasons than I love Jenny. I've had two girlfriends my whole life and I don't think I loved them for nearly the same reasons. You can fall in love with the bad boy or bad girl and then go for the scholarly nerd if you want. You could be enticed by the humblest of people and at the same time drawn to the arrogant ones too. Love is funny because you'll never love two people the exact same way. Love in the extremes is fine, so long as you're being loved and loving the right way. Never love because you feel you should, never fake love, and if you choose to love do it with everything you have. 

I guess the final, major extreme I can think of comes in our decision making. Some people always take a risk, some people never do, and even more probably fall somewhere in between the two. You can make an extremely rash decision one day and then methodically plan out a decision the next. You can choose to live life on the edge on Monday, but choose to lay low for the other six days if you want. I'm not recommending people make stupid decisions, I'm just saying that people make extremely different choices all the time. People make decisions based on love, on lust, on morals, or on gut feeling. Sometimes those decisions will contradict one another and that's totally understandable. Different emotions will bring about different actions. We have conflicting emotions so sometimes we will have conflicting actions. Living life in the extremes can be a great thing if you do it right. If all the risks you take pay off and all the decisions not to risk it don't haunt you then living in the extremes will benefit you greatly. Unfortunately we don't know ahead of time which risks are the good and which are the bad. I encourage a life in the extremes, so long as you are always conscious of the possibilities, be them good or bad. 

I think jumping from one extreme to another can be good or maybe even great, but at the same time it can be bad or horrendous. Each situation is different and each person will feel differently about it. Maybe the only way to know if it's good or not is to try it out and see. Maybe jump from one extreme to another and see where you stand. If you don't like it see if you have any ways back. If not...well then you're shit out of luck. Every decision we make will teach us something if we let it. 

Live, misstep, and learn. Love, falter, and grow. 

Only through missteps and faltering will we ever become. 

Become what you might ask?

That's for your missteps to decide.  

NP: Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran

white lies

Is it okay to tell a lie? What about if it is to protect the person you're lying to or to protect someone else?

Every time I enter the city I'm asked by beggars and the homeless if I have any change or a few dollars to spare. Truth be told most times I do, but I always say that I don't. I can't give them money if I don't know for certain that it'll be put to good use. If they take that money and use it to feed an addiction then I'm enabling them and I might as well be the one stabbing the needle into their arm.

A priest once told my mom that certain secrets need to be kept in order to preserve something great. I'm not sure I agree with that. Lying to save yourself isn't right, but lying to save someone else might just be reason enough.

A lot of people will tell you that they don't lie. That's a lie. They lie. They're just better at lying to themselves.

NP: No Lie- 2 Chainz (sorry, it was fitting)

i feel so close to you right now

I've said on here that it doesn't matter how you get to a place so long as you get there. Although that's a very brilliant remark and I am in no way questioning my overall genius sometimes I step back and think  about how certain things came to be.

Like the interaction you have with one person and how that interaction transforms and grows and moves along.

How you go from point A to point B. Point A being acquaintances and point B being whatever you so choose it to be. Is it that? Is it a choice? Is it a conscious choice that we make? Or is it something else?

When we meet someone do we know immediately what we want from them and what we will do to get it? I'm sure it takes time. But it seems some things happen without a rhyme or reason.

Maybe rhyme and reason are overrated though. Maybe making sense is old fashioned and the new age is not understanding why things happen and just going with it.

I have a problem just going along with it though. I seek a reason behind every coincidence and I'm not one who plays around with chance. I'm not a betting man but if I were...well I'll never be a betting man so never mind . The only thing I'll ever bet on is myself and the things I directly control.

I hate the "it'll all work out the way it's supposed to" and "whatever is meant to be will be" sayings. I'm ignorant in that sense.

Why doesn't anyone say "it'll all work out if you do everything in your power to achieve exactly what you want" or "whatever is meant to be is directly controlled by your actions and what you invest".... maybe it's too hard to say.

Because to me that's what it is. It's about what you put in. It's about taking chance and happenstance out of the equation and just doing it.

To me it isn't about taking a trip to New York if it's meant to be, rather it's about getting your ass there and testing the waters.

It's a risk and it's you who has to decide if the risk is worth taking.

I risked it. And now I lay and wait.

NP: Take Care- Drake

old fool

The Megabus is becoming like my second home. Long bus rides don't phase me anymore. That's evident when a 3 hour bus ride to Aunt Reenie's is a short trip. The bus isn't really as bad as I make it out to be.

Sure it's usually uncomfortable as all hell and occasionally you get stuck with some prick, but for the most part it isn't all bad. Sometimes you even get stuck next to someone cool. Someone who makes you think.

People who can make you think are only bested by the ones who can make you dream.

Dreamers are the coolest people. They're the ones with so many thoughts running through their heads they need to use the time sleeping to live out what they couldn't with their eyes open. I don't dream as much as I used to, but when I do it's usually about people. The events surrounding them is always blurry but the people are cemented in my mind.

I think that's because I'm a people person. Not in the sense of being really outgoing and friendly, but rather in the sense of I like being with people. To me it isn't about the time or the place it's about the people you're with. I wouldn't want to spend a year vacationing in the Bahamas alone as much as I'd want to spend three hours trapped on a bus with someone close to me.

I guess calling it trapped isn't right though. I would gladly choose to be there.

I'd like to be there right now actually.

All the space in the world by myself would never be as comfortable as a crammed space with someone close to me.

Ride with me and you'd understand.

It'll be lonely if you let it be that way, but it doesn't have to be.

Sometimes I almost wish certain times could stop and play over again. I almost do. 

But if I stopped time and reran the things that already occurred there would be no such thing as the future. And that'd be a damn shame. Our future isn't certain, anything but, but our future is bright. Bright in the sense of possibilities.

Possibilities are intoxicating. Potentiality is intoxicating. People, places, and things are intoxicating.

Love is by far the most intoxicating thing.

Love is also by far the most confusing thing.

It leaves you sitting in your chair looking out at the city. Wondering. About who? About what?

About the form of it all. Not the individual, but about how each individual plays into the grand scheme of things. How each individual action has deeper repercussions than we can see or understand.

Every action we take complicates life. But a life without complications wouldn't be much of a life at all.

A life without a little mystery and puzzlement wouldn't be much of a story.

I want my life to be a story.

I want some puzzlement and questioning, some adventure and some reasoning, some love and learning. I want it all and then some.

I want to see what all is out there.

I bet you'd be up for that wouldn't you?

NP: Grand Theft Autumn- Fall Out Boy

positive

Still feeling pretty good. Finally got an A on a midterm the other day. Not just an A either, a 98%. That's the one shining mark among my seemingly mediocre grades. Maybe my grades aren't mediocre, I just expect more, and maybe better grades will follow. I've been putting in more time in the classes I feel I need to.

Aside from classes life is pretty good. My Ground Floor group and I have been getting together regularly and we always seem to have a pretty good time. For five very different people we get along really well. Speaking of Ground Floor I'm pretty sure I should have an A in there and not a B+...gonna have to talk to my professor.

Anyway, things in New York are swell. Getting the most out of the time I have here. Time is more precious than any of us realize. Even when we think we know, we have no idea. It's impossible for us to understand the concept of time and the finitude of our time. We have a set amount of time on this planet and I can't tell you what dictates that time. Be it a belief that God has it predetermined or whatever you believe your time here is limited. Your time is limited not just in years living, but in time in a place.

You're limited to life in this city. Limited to life with certain people. Limited to life with certain characteristics and traits. Not to say you can't live in the same city forever, live with your family, and maintain the same traits. All I'm saying is that time passes, people leave, you won't look the way you do forever, and that viewpoint of yours on the world might just change too.

We have the time to do whatever we want. Some people say that they have no time. That's wrong though. The time spent dwelling on how little time you have is time you could spend doing what you want to do. "No time like the present" and all that jazz. Time isn't holding you back, you're holding you back. Sure some people have busier schedules than other. So?

Make time, take time, find time.

Sleep less.

Live more.

Love.

NP: Nothing Lasts Forever- Maroon 5

fake it til you make it

Fake it til you make it refers to happiness. Somebody close to me recommended it because recently I haven't been the cheeriest person in the world.

I should've already been trying that. The other day I said something I thought was remarkably philosophical.

Negativity is the base of all evil and while positivity isn't the base of all good it does set you up for the good. 

Sometimes I find myself being overwhelmingly pessimistic and negative...but for what? Is it ever really that bad? Probably not.

So why not be positive?

Because it's harder?

Sure, oftentimes it is harder, but it feels so much better. Today was a positive day. I think it stemmed from a positive weekend that culminated early this morning. There's a lot going on in my life. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of surprises every day, a lot of unexpected love and fun.

Positivity sets you up for the good, but the good won't just come to you. You'll see it in time. Be it a person, an opportunity, big, or small, you will see it.

It might just be a chance to help somebody out. A chance to tell someone you love them on a whim. Maybe it'll be something more daring and secretive. Maybe it'll be something with an everlasting impact on your future, maybe it'll be something from your past, or maybe it'll be both. Maybe your past, present, and future aren't as different as they might appear.

It seems from time to time that happiness is hiding. That isn't the case though. Happiness is never gone away. It might be disguised in something you're unfamiliar with, but it is always there.

Small victories everyday. That's what it takes.

Be happy or fake it.

Everyone looks better with a smile. That's the truth.

NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

confidence is key

I've been told before that I need to be more confident.

The thing is...I am confident. I have a confidence about me that I choose not to display in the normal ways.

I have each one of my abilities assessed accurately and for that, I am confident.

When someone asks me a question about how good I am at something or how smart I am I choose to respond that I'm average. In that instance I can tell the other person's opinion of my answer. Some are frustrated by my lack of detail, some accept it as modesty, and some mistake it for a lack of confidence. I know "how smart I am" or "how good I am" at different things, but it isn't for me to tell the person asking. If we based our knowledge of others solely off what they told us was true then we would oftentimes be led astray.

Confidence isn't telling someone how good you are at something, confidence is leaving it up for interpretation knowing that your actions will speak far louder than your words ever could have. 

Plenty of men are confident in abilities they do not possess. Plenty of men lack confidence.

I'm not one of those men.

I'm a man with an understanding of self. With a deep understanding of what I have to offer each person and each situation I am cast into. I'm just a man who doesn't feel the need to tell you he is good at something. A man who would rather you take the time to figure him out on your own.

Don't ask me what I can do. Get to know me and see what I can.

NP:  Don't Wake Me Up- Chris Brown

Over With

Still waiting to hear back...

But anyway, I'm finally done with my midterms which is quite the relief. Now I can focus on staying caught up and even getting ahead in my classes. My first big week of college exams was nothing short of stressful and painful. I survived though, even if just barely.

I'm not really sure what to talk about on here anymore.

I think that's a sign that I'm not thinking about things as much as I used to. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Sometimes I liked over thinking things. I liked having my mind whirling with thoughts of what could be and what should be. I still think about what will be and what might be, but on a lesser scale. I have a lot of good in my life. I have a lot of questionable parts too. The main conflict I'm faced with is the decision of what is truly good and what isn't. There are desires and dreams I have that I question as being wholly good. The constant struggle I find myself in is one of searching for what makes me truly happy.

I guess I'm still a dreamer and a thinker. More than either of those I am an explorer. I am but one kid in a huge city, searching for the smallest things that make him happy. Sounds like a trip fit for Columbus or Magellan.

I'm waiting, I'm dreaming, I'm loving, but am I living?

I hope so because these dreams are too good to let go of.

NP: Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

inspir(e)(ation)

I went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower tonight and it made me miss Pittsburgh. Not miss it in the sense of homesickness really. Rather, missing it in a renewed sense of understanding. A sense of understanding that Pittsburgh is and always will be my home. When Charlie, Sam, and Patrick came through the Fort Pitt Tunnel and the city became visible my heart started racing.

It was a thing I'd seen so many times, but for the first time was seeing for what it truly is. It's a place I've come to love. It's a place I've always loved, but a place I took for granted. It's a city where I've fallen in love, where loved ones have passed, and where I became the person I am today.

When they came through the tunnel I know that everyone in the theater felt something similar to what I felt. They felt what they had read. They felt what they thought it would feel like. The felt what they heard it was like and what they saw it was like on a movie screen. But they didn't feel the rush of a million memories housed in the city. They didn't visualize where each turn would take you. They had an idea, but they hadn't lived it like I did. Maybe the only other person in the theater who understood it completely was my Aunt. She's from home. She gets it.

New York is a magnificent city. And if one chooses to they can get lost in its splendor for an eternity. But the city will take what you let it. It can chew you up and spit you out having robbed you of everything. It can turn an average man into a mogul or into a hobo. It's a city where you can make a new name or forget the one you were born with, and believe me, there's a vast difference between the two.

As for me, the city hasn't taken much. Sure the higher cost of living and public transportation has robbed me blind, but other than that I'm the same me I left home as. I'm still confident I'll make something of myself. I still love writing and my friends back home. I still hold to my morals. I still think more than I should.

The only thing the city has taken from me that I really miss is something you'll never notice if your eyes are fixed on the pavement or cars whistling by. I miss the stars. And the city could take a lot more from me if I let it, but I won't.

Perks made me realize two things.
1. I want to be home. Not for reasons like not wanting to grow up or let go of the past, rather because I know it's where I belong.
2. I really want a typewriter. That would be the sickest thing ever.

NP: Anything Could Happen- Ellie Goulding

off my game

It's been almost a week since my last blog and that's unforgivable. Sorry to have left you guys hanging for so long. I'm still alive if you were wondering. I'm alive and healthy in the Bronx. I've lost some weight since I got here thanks to horrible cafeteria food, but other than that I'd say I am in good health. School is... well school is going. Not fast, not slow, not great, and not as bad as it could be. I'm in the middle of midterms right now and I don't feel great. Today has been an extremely detached day. A day where I feel alone and where I feel anxious.

My anxiety is really playing with my mind. I worry myself to the point of nauseousness and my leg will not stop shaking. It's moving at a more accelerated pace than usual. These past few days I've been doing more thinking than I should.

Thoughts about a lot of different things.

Things like school, love, life, happiness, belonging, friendship, regret, disappointment, grades, stress, coping, moving on, looking back, and tattoos. (Yes, you read right, tattoos.)

I can't explain all of those to you right now because I'm not sure where I'd start. Plus I have a history midterm to keep studying for so there is that aspect too.

For those of you who care to know; just know I'm pushing forward, I'm okay, and I'm hopeful.

I love every last one of you.

I'll leave you with a quote from The Great Gatsby, which happens to be a quote I like as a possible tattoo idea.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." 

NP: It's Time- Imagine Dragons

eyes

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes....
Maybe then you'd realize....
Realize, why I feel this way inside.

And if you saw your eyes through my eyes, you'd understand why no other pair of eyes could ever seem as alive.

You'd understand why looking into other eyes makes me realize the eyes I want to look into.

Into your eyes I look and see myself. And in myself I see you. And in you and I, I see us. And in us I see happiness. And in happiness I see life. And without you, well without you I don't see the same life.

These eyes they have seen and these eyes they have been seen. These eyes have closed and these eyes have cried. You've seen them at their best and you've seen them at their worst. You've seen these eyes look into your eyes. And in that moment you've heard me say three words.

And those three words don't need eyes and those three words don't need light. They don't need to be seen, but they need to be believed.

Believe what I've seen, and believe what I've said.

You can see those three words, they're written in my eyes.

library thoughts

I have some of the strangest little mind games I play with myself.

For instance, each letter in the alphabet is assigned a number A is 1, B is 2, all the way to Z being 26. I oftentimes look at names of people and try to break their name apart into equally summed parts. For example Ashley is 1+19+8+12+5+25=70. There's no good way to break the name apart. Three and three and you have 28 on one side and 42 on the other.

I also do things like count the number of steps I take in between cracks in the pavement. Most sidewalks are laid out in intervals of four strides. Some are longer and take 10. Depends on where you are at obviously.

Another thing I do is try to look at a sentence and guess where it needs to be broken up to have an equal number of letters on each side.  52 and 55. (Pretty close) 

I'm a strange son of a bitch, but I don't mind it at all. 

falsely labeled

How often do we label something falsely? Be it a person, place, or even an idea we do it more times than we realize. Sometimes we give it a negative label before really looking into it and others we expect too much from. Some people would be pessimistic and tell you that great expectations lead to great disappointments, but I on the other hand believe that it is good to have high expectations. Sure when something or someone doesn't meet that expectation it hurts. But if you have low expectations and they are always met is there any real satisfaction in that? I say no. I expect a lot. Sometimes I'm let down. Other times I'm reminded why setting high expectations feels so good.

Expect a lot, but expect imperfection. We're not perfect and if we seem it then you've already accepted our flaws. In which case, good for you, you're an understanding person and that's not easy to be.

NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's