There's Always More Ahead

Yesterday I got to watch the West A baseball team win a WPIAL Championship. That marks the third boys title I watched West A win this year. I couldn't be more happy for those kids. I truly couldn't. Somewhere deep down there's a small part of my being that envies them. It takes me back to senior year baseball and soccer where we had unfulfilled potential. It takes me back to days where high school sports meant more than anything to me.

And then, after a minute or so of reminiscing, I remember how much more there is ahead of each of those boys. Just like there was so much more ahead of me.

The truth is that one day the WPIAL Championship t-shirt will get misplaced, the ring won't fit your finger, and the gold medal will be but a memento to tell to your kids about. And you know what? You won't mind. Because the ring and medal and t-shirt will pale in comparison to the things you've accomplished and felt since.

I don't mean to take away from what the boys just did because they deserve to celebrate for as long as they'd like.

I just want to point out how much is left for them.

Like college.

I can't pretend like I've lived some crazy, illustrious college career thus far because I haven't. I'm very much just a normal college kid. But even in my normalcy I've noticed some extraordinary things college gives you.

On the academic side it gives you a chance to challenge and prove to yourself what you're capable of. College isn't as hard as everyone tell you it is, it's much harder. (So don't jag around and skip class. You're paying all that money, so you might as well go out and get a 4.0. Plus, nobody really likes kids who skip class; at first it's funny, then it's just pathetic.)

On the social side it gives you a chance to make some everlasting friendships with people from all walks of life who come from far and wide. (So go out and meet people. That one weird kid from down the hall might end up being the best man at your wedding if you bother getting to know him.)

On the athletics side it gives you a wide array of club and intramural sports to try your hand at. Whether you do a coed league where you and your friends get hammered before each game or a league where you buy team jerseys and attempt to win a title, there's nobody stopping you from playing. (So play. Also, don't be afraid to take it too seriously because coming in second in intramural soccer at a major university is a big deal. If you don't agree you obviously haven't lived it.)

On the family side of things it shows you how much family truly means. You learn to cherish the time you have with family because there are plenty of times at school when you'd do anything to see them. (So Skype your mom and text your sister. And see if your grandpa wants to grab lunch. And if you grab lunch listen to the stuff he tells you because otherwise one day you'll regret not listening.)

Last night in the car with Ty we started talking about which one of our friends would be the first to get married, and if that isn't the scariest thought in the world I'm not sure what is. (Ty said most people might place money on me, but that he wouldn't be surprised if Jared or Dave snuck in there first. He placed himself at 100 to 1 odds, but you never know what's going to happen.) It's weird thinking about being a groomsman in my friend's wedding. It's even weirder to think about picking out my best man from my group of friends. Or the weirdest thing is thinking about the girl who'll be walking down the aisle towards me.

I can't help but wonder what goes through a groom's head as he watches his bride-to-be walk down the aisle. Is it a memory of the first time they met? Is it the idea that he's going to (or at least he's supposed to) spend the rest of forever with this girl? Is it a feeling of entrapment? Is it a feeling of liberation? I guess only time will tell.

I'm not sure where this blog is going so I'll end it here. And I'll leave you with a poem I've been writing/fixing up for a long time. (If you ignore the elementary rhyming scheme it might be enjoyable.)

Unbeknownst to me you settled in,

somewhere between head and heart.

From afar I couldn't see,

that was your intention from the start.

I must admit you caught me off guard,

sent me spinning through my thoughts.

But now I'm okay,

so long as you stay in that very spot. 

Because if you leave I will wonder,

how my wandering ways led astray.

The girl who found me my own heart,

but left my life in disarray. 

So I'll hold you like I've held them before,

but know that their time has passed. 

And I'd go to the ends of the earth,

if you so much as asked.

But ask that you won't,

you'll never have to ask.

Because I won't let you go,

your company is my mask.

And I know that I'll never know, 

who looked in your eyes like I do.

All I know is the past's behind us,

and somehow we both made it through.

Sure, sometimes I'll wonder,

when your head rests on my chest.

How we got to this point together,

and how I compare to all the rest.

But I'm not scared this time like before,
something in your being reassures me.
It says it's okay if I choose to stay,
but understands if I decide to walk free.

So let's see where we end up,
see what this thing can really be.
The future's quite uncertain,
but I've got you and you've got me.

My Own Personal Complex

I think that we all have our own specific "complexes." And what I mean is that every person has some part of themselves they're uncomfortable with. We all have something we worry about as a potential shortcoming. 

The most popular complex in modern day America has to be the skinny girl complex. You know, the idea that a girl feels she needs to look like the waistless models pictured in magazines. There's no denying that people young and old worry about the way they look. If it wasn't true then we wouldn't have nearly as many kids with eating disorders and plastic surgeons would have a heck of a lot less work to do.

For me, body image isn't a worry anymore. I've come to accept this physique I've been given. I don't worry about my height or smile or anything like that. Aside from a few pounds here or there, most parts of my appearance are set in stone. And when I look in the mirror I'm content with what I see. I'm no Narcissus destined to fall in love with my own reflection, but I'm not some bridge-guarding troll either. 

For me, my complex is something much different. I'm deathly afraid of not being interesting enough. I don't look at Leonardo DiCaprio and see greatness in his looks, instead I'm intimidated by his accomplishments. It's his worldliness that frightens me. Granted, actors are a separate breed because of their lifestyles, but the underlying concept is the same. I don't want to bore someone. In this day and age boredom sets in so fast that one day you could be all the rage and the next you're just a sideshow in your own story. And if that isn't scary I don't know what is. 

The truth is this... obsolescence is scary. 

Maybe that's why we seek love, as a reassurance that we are not obsolete. 

And maybe boredom is to blame for making love seemingly so hard to find nowadays. Whether it's loving yourself or loving someone else, you never know when you're going to grow tired of the person you're trying to love. 

It should be easy: love yourself by allowing yourself to grow and mature. Read a new book, learn a new skill, find a funny joke; just do something to keep yourself guessing and keep yourself from stagnating. In my opinion the love of another person should follow. If we prevent ourselves from stagnating then we should be easy to love. Everyone always says you need to love yourself before others will love you. I don't necessarily agree with that, but it isn't a bad principle to follow. 

But it doesn't always seem so easy to love yourself or those around you, does it? 

I guess what we should be searching for in love is someone who challenges us. Someone who day in and day out makes us ask questions about the reality we've become so sure of. I think we need someone whose intelligence scares us, someone whose beauty we gawk at, someone who makes us think. If we find someone who can make us see the world from a different perspective then our life will be significantly better.

It's easy to go through life searching for people who feel the exact same way we do. Instead of doing that maybe we should find someone who tells us that our opinions are crazy. Argue with them, debate against them, compromise with them if you must, and then scare the hell out of them by loving them. You want to find someone who complements you, not someone who could be substituted for you. 

We're all searching for that one person to cling to for eternity; our partner in crime and the one who makes us feel truly alive. So go out and find that person. Do so by speaking confidently, listening intently, and laughing uncontrollably. You'll know when you've found them because they'll be the one listening to your confident words, filling your ears with their own assertive voice, and laughing uncontrollably along with you.

That's all for now. The thought well has run dry. Til next time.

NP: Lost in My Mind- The Head And The Heart

PCB

It sucks that I have to write this blog with a heavy heart knowing that our baseball season is over. I haven't been this sad in a long time. Truth be told, I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for all those seniors that aren't going to get to play another meaningful game again. Sure, they might pick up a bat in an adult league game or some slow pitch, beer league softball game, but they won't play another game that meant as much as these PCB games did. 

The weekend started off as well at it could when we shellacked Drexel and mercy ruled them. Then today things took a quick turn for the worse. We hit the ball alright against Delaware, unfortunately they pounded the ball and beat us handily. Which meant we had to play another game against Drexel for a shot at the championship. We battled back and forth and we just came up short. Plain and simple we didn't do enough to win. We had a team talk at the end of the game which made it all a lot more real. Hearing Fitz, Bags, and Cunliffe talk about the season brought it all into perspective. We did a lot of great stuff this year and we have nothing to be ashamed of. But you can't help but feel like there was something else, a feeling like it wasn't supposed to be over just yet.

I didn't know when or where our season would end, only that eventually it would end. I think that we all believed we'd get to play in the World Series. At the very least we all expected one more day together. And the shitty part is that we didn't get that day. Instead, our season ended on a dreary, rainy day in upstate New York. 

I believe I can do two things for these seniors. I can thank them for what they did for me and this team, and I can help move PCB in the right direction next year. Since next year is a while away and today's loss is still stinging, I'll thank the seniors. Thanks Green and Bradburn for always giving me something to laugh about and for showing me how PCB can give you a best friend. Thanks Murr for always having such a positive demeanor and being such a good guy. Thanks Rota for the profession your going into (one I have the utmost respect for) and for the constant reminder that you'd probably beat my ass. Thanks ADP for always giving me a hard time and for throwing absolute gas. Thanks McCue for showing what a great center fielder looks like and for giving us somewhere to have parties/chill. Thanks Bags for a nice WPIAL presence on the team and for being an all around leader. Thanks Greenfield for being one of the most genuinely good guys I've ever met and for teaching me to learn how to love. Thanks Brett for all those stupid quirks of yours that kept the mood light and for welcoming me to the team. Thanks Fitz for everything you did for this team: from giving up playing to putting his entire being into the team. And finally, thanks Cunliffe for all the advice you've given me and got for not cutting me when I showed up to tryouts in black pants and rec specs. 

That takes care of the thank yous for now. Even though no amount of thanks yous would ever be enough to thank these guys for what they did for me this year. 

This year baseball was fun again. It was more fun than it ever was in high school. This year baseball was meaningful and it was competitive. We were competitive. Every time I took the field I expected to win, and honestly that was the first time in a long time that I felt that way. Until regionals we never put out the same lineup two games in a row. It's pretty cool to think that we were able to compete like we did without the same kids on the field. 

Like I said before, we accomplished a lot this year. We had a great record. We went 6-1 in Florida. And for the first time in PCB history we were ranked #1 in the country. 

We didn't do what we planned on doing this year, but we did have some fun and we definitely made some memories. 

As I sit here in this hotel room I can look back on the season and laugh at some of the crazy shit that happened. We didn't make it to the World Series but we made some unforgettable memories, and maybe at the end of the day that's enough. No trophy or ranking in the world would ever be able to replace the memories and friendships I've made this year. 

Looking back to the end of the game I realize I didn't cry. Which is unusual for someone as emotional as me. But I realized why I didn't cry today. Today wasn't for me to cry about. Today wasn't about me and if I cried it would've been me making it about me. Sure, I'm sad that these seniors are gone, but I'm not gonna cry about it because I know that I'll see them all again. 

PCB has been the best part of Pitt so far. There is no debate about it. I'm eternally thankful that the guys didn't cut me (even though after the first day of tryouts I was destined to never play competitive baseball again). I'm already looking forward to next year and dreaming about the possibilities. 

NP: Drive- Incubus 

Oneonta

Some sights you see are humbling beyond belief. After playing an all-around solid game of baseball and coming away with a 12-2 win I was humbled by something I saw when we got back to the hotel parking lot. 

I pulled into the lot way faster than I care to admit, but I slowed down when I saw a young boy walking by himself. From there we saw around 8 or 9 mentally handicapped people headed into the hotel. I guess that Down syndrome doesn't discriminate because this group was as diverse as they come. They were young and old, black and white, big and small. 

As we drove by an older, white woman with a floppy sun hat waved to us with a smile on her face like we were an old friend of hers. So naturally I put my arm out the window and waved back. As we rolled by I heard her exclaim to her friends, "See I know everybody here! Told ya so," and I couldn't help but smile at her little quirk. 

It's events like that where you just have to thank god or whatever greater power you believe in for everything you have. The world isn't fair and not everyone is dealt a proper hand. 

But you know what? Sometimes it's people with the worst draw who seem the happiest, and the people with the best draw who seem the most miserable. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it isn't about what's given to you, it's about how you react to it. (Charles Swindoll said that first but I paraphrased it.)

That's it really. Just a minute of my day that really stuck out to me. 

NP: Nine in the Afternoon- Panic! At the Disco 

Thoughts At Home

So I've been home alone all day since my parents & Jenny are on their way to a wedding. I would've gone, but PCB was supposed to have a series of games in Syracuse this weekend that got cancelled pretty last minute. So for the most part I've spent my day on the couch watching television shows and movies. I started with Die Hard, watched some Rugby, some Antiques Roadshow, and finished off with some Criminal Minds. 

While watching Criminal Minds there was a quote at the end of an episode that I really agreed with. It goes like this...

"There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. People we can't live without but have to let go."

I think each part of that is true in its own respect so I'll talk about each one individually. 

First, "there are things we don't want to happen but have to accept." I guess you could say this sums up my opinion of things when the world seems to be crashing down. In my life I have met a lot of people who stick to the idea that "everything happens for a reason." I'm not one of those people. I don't think that things like the Holocaust or Columbine happened for a reason. Or on a different level something like childhood cancer. You can't give me one good reason why senseless violence or innocent kids dying has to happen. Now I do believe that we can learn from everything that happens. With that being said, I still don't think learning from something like that is a reason for it to happen. Wouldn't the world be a better place had we never learned what mass murder or genocide was? Wouldn't those lives outweigh any knowledge gained? However, awful things happen and evil does exist, and we just have to learn to accept them as they happen. 

"Things we don't want to know but have to learn." I think this goes hand in hand with what I just stated. As we navigate the course of our life we have to learn things we wish we didn't. That's just a part of growing up. Growing up entails a lot of different truths: truths about people and the world around you, truths about your family, and truths about yourself. Sometimes those truths will be ugly, horrible truths and sometimes they'll be spectacular, awe-inspiring truths...but I guess I don't totally agree with the last part of this statement that says "HAVE to learn." Sometime when I was growing up my mom told me a story about the priest at her wedding. She said that the priest told her there were some things better left unsaid. He told her that if it's going to make someone's life better for them to not know then they don't need to know. And I guess I agree with him. Some truths are better left in the back of your mind because sometimes people need to be protected from truths that could hurt them. 

And now, "People we can't live without but have to let go." If you asked me six months ago if I agreed with this statement I'd have a much different answer than I do today. I think that in life we meet four different types of people: people who are just supposed to brush up against us, people supposed to be there for one specific situation, people who come into our lives for a while who have to leave, and people who we'd be stupid not to keep around forever. The brusher uppers are people we pass by on the street and give a friendly hello to. One situation people are the people we meet in high school, at a job, or in college who we have no real connection to but are forced to be around. The ones who have to leave are who the quote is about. They're the people who we learn to love that we can't seem to live without. But the truth of the matter is that we're supposed to live without them, we have to live without them. These are the people you can tell aren't content with what you have to offer or maybe they're at a different stage of their life than you. They're the hardest to let go of because a lot of time, when they leave, we aren't sure why they left. Finally, It should be obvious who we're supposed to keep around forever...they're the people we see ourselves reflected in, the people who bring out the very best in us, and the people who see us for what we really are. Don't let them go. They come in handy. 

That's all I have for today.

NP: JOY- Elli Goulding