cheers for 50,000 or 50,000 cheers?

It has been 671 days since I posted my first blog. This will be my 423rd blog. In those 671 days there have been 50,012 visits to my blog. That is an average of 74.5 reads per day and 118.25 reads per post. (These are approximations.) My blog has been visited from people in over 15 different countries. The most accessed post has 464 reads.

Basically what I'm trying to get across is that this thing, this blog, has become more than I ever imagined. There were times it consumed my life. There were times it faded to the back of my mind. It has never left me though. Whether I posted two blogs a day or two blogs a month there has always been someone who accessed my site. Never once in the 671 days that I blogged have I had 0 reads.

This blog isn't to celebrate me getting to 50,000 reads, it's to thank you all for giving me an audience. No great author would be great if people didn't give them a chance. You've all taken a chance on me. Some of you have followed me for close to two years now while some of you have just found out about the blog recently. No matter how many blogs you've read I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for keeping me going, for giving me topics to blog about, for lashing out at me when you thought I was wrong, for comforting me when you thought I was hurt, and more than anything I want to thank you for allowing me into your life.

Whether you read the blog to mock me or stalk me, help me or hurt me, see me triumph or see me fall you have allowed a little part of me in.

In the end maybe 50,000 isn't just a number. Each view this blog gets is unique because every person who reads it is different. Different dynamics mixed with the different moods you are in when you read the blog. One of 50,000 is a loving mother, one is a lost friend, one is an enemy, and one might be a complete stranger. But each and every one counts.

Thank you all, all 50,000 of you, who gave me a reason to write, a reason to read, and a reason to live.

NP: One Year, Six Months- Yellowcard

the night

What you should do tonight is this: Close the door to your room and shut off your lights. Open up all your windows. Lay your head down on your pillow, close your eyes, and listen. Don't think. Just listen. You're not listening for anything in particular, just listening in general. You might hear the whine of a car in the distance, or the sound of crickets chirping, or maybe, if you're lucky enough you'll hear just what you've been waiting to hear. You'll hear nothing. For a brief second you will be completely empty and void of your senses. With your body relaxed into your bed, your eyes closed, and your ears empty you should feel at peace. And when you feel you're in the moment open up your eyes and realize you aren't alone. You and millions of other kids just like you are trying to make sense of this crazy world. Strip yourself of all those senses that cause you so much worry during the day and let the night consume you. Let the night heal you. Goodnight everybody.

what you pay for

Today I went to Starbucks and got coffee and thought a lot about the price charged.

My drink cost me $4.44 for a medium. People who brew their own coffee might laugh at a price like that considering they probably pay about 75 cents per cup. What I realized is that although Starbucks coffee is more expensive you're paying for several different things. 

The smallest cost has to be the cost of the coffee itself. Starbucks coffee isn' the highest quality, that's a pretty well known fact. 

Another cost built in is the cost of labor provided by the worker. Obviously Starbucks has to pay the wage of that worker so some sort of the cost can be attributed to that.

Yet another cost is the cost of convenience. Starbucks drive thru makes coffee on the way to work a possibility if you aren't up in time to get a pot going at home.

One more cost that may or may not be real is the cost of variety. Starbucks offers more options than you can realistically make at home so to a certain degree you're paying for all the options given to you. 

While these four costs probably don't add up to $4.44 there are probably dozens of other costs. One cost I don't think think people notice is the cost attributed to your experience.

When we (figuratively speaking) go on a date to Starbucks and our coffees cost $4.44 and $5.01 we sort of joke about the price. Some portion of that cost has to be attributed to the atmosphere, though. When you go to Starbucks you're paying for the contemporary, alternative vibe given off and for the place to sit and enjoy your coffee. Whether it's inside on a comfy couch or face to face outside in the sun you pay for the chance to interact. (Some might argue that Starbucks has a pretentious feel to it, but honestly if you're thinking that far into it maybe you should be grinding your own beans at home...damn hipsters.)

It's up to you to decide if the prices are fair or not. (Personally they seem fair to me, the only bitch is a 65 cent up-charge for soy milk.) 

Maybe if you think the prices are unfair you need to pick your company more carefully. If you think it's too expensive when you're by yourself maybe you aren't a fun enough date and if it's too expensive with someone else then then you need to find someone worth the price. 

NP: Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

dinner talk

Tonight I sat at my dinner table with Ty & Chad and had some really good talks. I think the best part about summer is that one night my mom will be cooking for only herself and the next night there are 6 people at the dinner table, only two of whom are related to her. Summer is unruly like that.

Chad, Ty, and I didn't talk about anything groundbreaking. We simply talked about where we've been, where we're at, and where we're headed. 

Chad talked a lot about Indiana. From his expectations to his worries and everything in between. Ty and I told him the little bit that we think we've learned so far in college and told him to enjoy himself. We also told him to be on the look out because Indiana is a state school with some gorgeous girls. 

For Ty and I we're headed back to where we were last semester. Both very content with our situations and ready for what the next year holds for us. 

Talking about where we've been was easy for three kids who went to high school together. We reminisced on classes together, on people that have changed, and on people that will probably never change. We had some laughs about it and realized that we've done pretty well for ourselves.

I guess the most important type of talk is when you talk about where you're at. Looking back on our conversation I'd say that talking about the present is the least talked about subject. It makes sense that it would be that way because it's just easier to talk about what might be and what has already been.

Talking about what is isn't an easy task. It's hard to assess where we are when we are in that moment. It's hard to talk about what's keeping us going, what's making us laugh, and what's dragging us down. I guess that the present is something that's ever-changing and hard to grasp. 

It's important to talk about where you've been because that's what made you who you are today. It's important to talk about where you're going because that's what you'll be remembered for. And it's important to talk about where you are to keep you sane and grounded. Talking about the future and past is only as good as your state in the present. 

Our present is a byproduct of our past that will create our future, so we have to talk about it. 

NP: Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood

justice has failed him

So yesterday George Zimmerman was found not guilty by a six-person jury in Florida. I'll spare you all the details on the case because frankly I don't know all of them and every source I check will offer a slightly different account. I will however give you the basis of it and tell you what I think. If you don't care what I think then close your browser now. I don't need any of those smart ass people asking where my law degree is from. 

Here's a quick overview of the case followed by my opinions...

Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old African American boy who was walking home from a convenience store when George Zimmerman, a 28 year old Hispanic American man, got out of his car to confront the boy. What transpired between 7:09 P.M. and 7:16 P.M. is uncertain but what is certain is that when police arrived they found Trayvon Martin dead, a victim of a gunshot wound to the chest. 

Now I'm not claiming to know all the facts. I want to make that blatantly obvious for everyone reading. Here's my opinion though. 

George Zimmerman was a self-appointed neighborhood watchman. He was not a part of any organized, state recognized group. His neighbors had agreed to let him lead the town's watch, but it was not set up by the actual Neighborhood Watch organization. (To me that screams vigilante with a hero complex.) Before Zimmerman approached Martin he called police. He threw around phrases like, "He's up to no good," and, "They always get away." (To me that sounds like a man looking for trouble.) When George Zimmerman got out of his car to pursue Trayvon he broke the primary tenet of Neighborhood Watch. Neighborhood Watch explicitly states that no member should pursue a suspect. Their job is simply to alert police. The only problem is that Zimmerman wasn't a part of Neighborhood Watch, HE MADE UP HIS POSITION. 

While we don't know exactly what happened next we know that Martin and Zimmerman got into a physical altercation. It is unclear who hit who first but what is clear is that George Zimmerman pulled his gun out and shot an innocent 17 year old to death in cold blood. On a 911 call made by a neighbor you can hear someone yelling for help. (It is unclear whether it is Zimmerman or Trayvon.) One neighbor said they spotted Trayvon on top of Zimmerman doing a "ground and pound" which is a term used in ultimate fighting where one man straddles another and basically punches the one on the ground senseless. I saw the picture of George Zimmerman's injuries. He had a broken nose and some scratches on the back of his head. Was George Zimmerman hurt? Yes. We're his injuries life threatening? No, not even close. 

Frankly I don't care who hit who first. When Zimmerman got out of his car he was in the wrong. If I was a 17 year old kid walking home and a man approximately 10 years older than me approached me I would get defensive too. If he used inflammatory language towards me or physically assaulted me I would fight back until I felt safe. If that means straddling him and punching him senseless then yes, I would do that too.

George Zimmerman got off on "self defense" but I think the jury forgot about Trayvon Martin's right to self defense. A defense against racial profiling and against being followed by a man when he was doing nothing wrong. 

Zimmerman said that Trayvon had something in his hand and at one point was reaching for his waistband. He was right. A pack of skittles and a pop. God forbid he shake up a pop and squirt Zimmerman to death with it. 

I understand that Trayvon Martin had past run ins with authorities. Tardiness and truancy at school, as well as having a marijuana pipe and empty bag with remnants of marijuana. However, George Zimmerman has a past with the law as well. (You can look that one up for some proof if you want.) I also understand the area of Florida this occurred in has an above average rate of crime and that the neighborhood in particular had some break ins recently. But what type of crimes occur at 7:00 P.M.? 

Also, just to clarify another point for everyone. Trayvon Martin was 5'11" tall. Not 6'2" like some reports stated. And George Zimmerman is 5'8" tall. To some I'm sure that sounds like a real disadvantage in a fight, but the truth of the matter is Zimmerman had Martin by 27 pounds. (185 to 158) I'm built exactly like George Zimmerman and truth be told I like my chances against a taller, lankier person. But that's beside the point.

Basically what it comes down to for me is this:

1. It was 7:00 when this all occurred. PEOPLE DO NOT ROB HOUSES AT DINNER TIME. People rob houses in the middle of the night. 

2. George Zimmerman pursued Trayvon Martin without solid evidence of any wrongdoing.

3. During a physical altercation he pulled out a gun and shot a 17 year old to death. 

I hate that people turned this case into a race case because it is anything but. What this case is is wrongdoing on the part of George Zimmerman. I'm certain that if you asked police officers what they would have done in Zimmerman's situation they would have watched the boy, maybe trailed him and asked him where he was going, but they wouldn't have pursued on foot, no questions asked ready to pull their gun.

In my opinion when a person is shot to death in America someone broke the law. And according to that Florida jury since George Zimmerman didn't break it for what he did Trayvon Martin must've been guilty of 1st degree wrong place at the wrong time and 3rd degree wanting to go home. 

Bullshit. That's what it is. And it's a bullshit law if that's what allowed Zimmerman to walk. We live in a country where the law puts Plaxico Burress in jail for shooting himself in the leg, but lets George Zimmerman walk when he shoots a teenager. That's just wrong. 

That's all I have to say. 

NP: Changes- Tupac

thankful

The highlights of today were a great meal, another family game night, and another victory in family game night.

Also we went to the outlets today and I did some browsing. Joyce, Jenny, and mom did shopping while Pap and I did some looking.

The two of us pointed out things we liked before eventually deciding we didn't need a single thing. I think we had as much fun pointing out absurd prices as we did actually looking at things. Pap explained to me that some people simply look for great deals on designer name stuff. He pointed out a Polo Ralph Lauren sport coat that was originally $1,799 but marked down to $499. Pap said something along the lines of, "That's a really good deal as far as that jacket goes." He made sure to point out that it's relative. Why does someone need a jacket marked down from $1,799 to $499 when you can find a jacket you look just as nice in for $250 not marked down at all? The answer, for me at least, is that you don't.

Don't get me wrong, my grandfather has nice clothes. In fact I'm sure he has some clothes that would be considered exorbitant in price by many people. The beauty of it is that when you make a lot of money you get to choose what you splurge for. My grandfather has always put his loved ones before him. He was happier buying my Nan a beautiful, expensive dress rather than buying himself something. (Eventually she made him start buying expensive jackets, watches, etc.) The point is that he's selfless and chooses to spend his money on someone else. To this day I believe he'd rather buy Joyce a sweater she doesn't need rather than buy himself a sweater he might want.

I'm like my Pap in that sense. I choose to stash my money away because I know at any time I might need it for an emergency. An emergency like taking someone out to dinner and a movie or to get ice cream. To me that's worth more than any button up shirt or pair of jeans.

When I walk into a store I look for something I need. Truth be told 99 out of 100 times I couldn't find a single thing I need. That's why 1 out of every 100 times is when I buy something. If I don't need it I don't buy it, simple as that. Oftentimes people confuse my lack of need for a lack of like. It isn't that I don't like a lot of the stuff in these stores, it's that I don't need it.

Sadly, in other aspects of life I live totally by my id. I allow myself to indulge in what I want even when I know it isn't what I need. I do this time and time again no matter how bad it is for me.

These wants come on an emotional level, a level which I am able to rationalize the choices I make. I rationalize easier with emotions than I do with money.

I guess to some degree that's because I can't just look at my emotional piggy bank and see the hits it takes for indulging in some stupid want. Very different from opening my wallet and giving myself a hard time for spending $15 on a pair of shorts that I certainly didn't need.

It isn't like opening a drawer on my dresser and seeing I have five white tee shirts and deciding I don't need another. There's no drawer for me to keep an emotional inventory with. But damn that would be nice.

I'm talking walk into my room, open a drawer and say, "Well I have plenty of love and humor, but I really need some stability and gratification. I'd like some passion but I don't need it."

I guess that type of drawer is one found inside oneself. It takes some deep introspection to figure out what you really need and it takes some serious will power to actually go about pursuing it. I'm not quite there yet.

I'm working my way up to an emotional understanding of myself while simultaneously trying to achieve the level of wealth necessary to buy what I want and not just what I need.

One day I'm going to make enough money where I don't have to worry about it. And hopefully, if I do it right I'll be in a sound place emotionally. A place where I check the drawer and see I have everything that I need all lined up.

It takes time people.

NP: Pieces- Sum 41

digging this late

Best part of today was having a family game night, and the second best part was winning family game night.

This vacation has been much needed. Relaxing, fun, and familial. 

My sleep patterns have gotten worse though. Every night I stay up well past when I'm done talking to anyone and I sort of talk to myself.

Never out loud, but I let my mind wander and it's just the same as talking to myself. 

I scour the Internet and social media sites picking apart every single thing I see. I dig deeper and deeper trying to find how serious something is.

Every night I try to figure out what's next. Next for me to read, to understand, to see, or to encounter. 

And each and every night I come to the same realization. I don't know what's next.

Each day that passes I'm no closer to understanding. 

And that's okay because I don't have to understand. 

I just have to keep trying.

NP: Lego House- Ed Sheeran

today's triumph

Today's little thing that meant the most came about two hours ago. It was a family movie night in Hilton Head. Also, the swelling in my ankle and foot is going down. The bruising is still pretty vicious, but every day that goes by the bruising moves farther down my foot and that much closer to being gone.

Aside from that I'm still on vacation. There's no reason for a kid my age to ever complain while he's on vacation. I don't have any complaints in all honesty. I just wish I didn't have to trudge my ass down to the beach with a boot on my right foot. Aside from that, vacation has been as relaxing as I had hoped and I'm getting a ton of sun.

I don't want summer to end. I'm just now learning how to cope. Some of you might say, "Well summer isn't supposed to be about coping, is it?" And to that I say it depends. Depends on what you surround yourself with every summer, depends on how your past summers have gone, and depends on what your future summers are going to look like. While I don't want it to end I won't be especially sad when it does end. School doesn't depress me in the slightest. I'm actually really excited for this coming year.

Past summers have been different than this summer and future summers look a lot different than this one...or at least it seems that way.

One thing I've learned about summer these past fews years is that it's more a time to bridge spring and fall than it is to be its own. While it may last four months its implications aren't that of a separate season. Summer is a time to forget about the realities of the past spring and the uncertainty of the impending fall.

Summer's more like a dream than any state of awake. It comes and goes before you know it leaving you in its wake. When it's over you try to remember as much of it as you can, but as you struggle to do so you realize it doesn't matter if you remember. It's over, it isn't coming back, and what's done is done.

Done isn't bad though. Done is necessary. Dreams aren't meant to last. Dreams at night don't last so that you can face the reality of life and chase the dreams that really mean something.

Make your summer one worth remembering because if it is to be a dream it might as well be the most beautiful, dazzling dream you can create. Summer is, in one way or another, a dream you're in control of. So fill your summers with color, laughter, love, and humor. Don't take yourself too seriously because I find that the dreams I'm serous in are the ones I die in.

Enjoy.

NP: Good Life- Francis Dunnery

the best of the day

I feel like I'm noticing more and more everyday that life is all about the small stuff. In Mr. Marshall's class we read the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff". I don't think there is a book with a truer title. Our lives are made up of millions of "small stuffs" put together. Stuff that works out the way we hoped and stuff that doesn't. Stuff that gives way to newer better stuff and stuff that hinders our performance. The majority of this "stuff" overlaps at one point or another.

And while we shouldn't sweat the small stuff we shouldn't take it for granted either. Smile at a nice text from a good friend. Laugh at a corny joke your grandfather tells you. Talk about a book you're reading with your mom. Tell your sister you love her because you probably don't do it enough. Forgive others and yourself for even the things that seem to be the most major offenses.

From now on I will attempt to give you a blog every night before bed that gives an example of something little that in the moment meant so much to me.

Two nights ago it was something as simple as standing in the kitchen making an ice cream sundae with my grandpa. It wasn't anything fancy, just chocolate & vanilla ice cream with some chocolate syrup.

Yesterday it was playing in the pool with Jenny, mom, and Pap. It was just four family members hitting a little rubber Mickey Mouse ball back and forth.

It's all small stuff, but that doesn't mean it isn't important stuff. It's all important, it all coincides and overlaps, and at times interferes. It culminates over time and ends the day we die. The small stuff, quite simply, makes up our whole life.

Don't sweat the small stuff, love it.

NP: Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap