passion? anybody? ...anybody?

This world we live in seems to be grooming apathetic people. It seems that college doesn't encourage people to be passionate about something, instead it asks them to complete "gen eds" and graduate with a degree that is "marketable." I say take your gen eds and marketability and shove them.

If every person followed their dreams and focused solely on that, then in time we would have professionals in every single field. If every discouraged painter and poet followed their dreams the world would be filled with a lot more beauty.

Not just beauty in the sense of beautiful paintings and poems, but the sense of beautiful people. I'm not talking about beauty in the sense of looks or "the inside" of a person. I'm talking about a type of beauty that comes along very rarely. The most natural, raw type of beauty there is. People being inspired by someone else's passion.

I can't take credit for all of these thoughts. I'm merely regurgitating what the brilliant Alan Watts has already said.

You might think it silly, that every artist can't actually become an artist, but I say why not? What makes a great artist? It's the same thing that makes a great teacher, a great writer, a great mathematician, and a great outdoorsman. It takes practice and dedication. It takes passion. Passion. Passion. Passion.

Find it. If you can't find passion in something then YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

Here's a video I encourage every single one of you to watch. Really listen to what he says. Watch it over and over again until you find what it is you would do.

Please, I beg you to find your passion. Hone it and inspire someone with it. Make the world beautiful.

NP: We Are Young- Fun.

every great blog doesn't need a great name

Figure out what you're worth and never deviate from that belief. Not unless somebody comes along and proves that you've made an error in judgement, that in fact, you're worth more than you thought. Don't let them tell you, though. Make them show you. Don't let them attempt to undermine your belief either. You are you and you know you. Label yourself accordingly. Don't kid yourself but don't cheat yourself. Be honest. No, be brutally honest. Figure out your worth and then learn how to love yourself. Because before you can ever successfully love another you must love you. If you have a tough time doing so rest assured that you are loved. By someone, somewhere, you are loved more than you know.

I promise.

friendship in three lines

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”   

-Gloria Naylor

random poetry

If you make her smile she might just stay,
and if she laughs she might just play, 
but when she plays she does not note,
the fact that you've prepared her coat, 
because she doesn't plan to stay,
because you think she'll go away, 
and if she turns with a gleam in her eye,
turn her toward the wayward sky. 

Just know that you are not to blame,
this thing you did bears no shame, 
you freed a soul not made to rest,
you saw the light, you passed the test. 

said you must be a hero

So I'm going to assume you've all seen the Batman movies and understand the reference to this quote from The Dark Knight. 

Commissioner Gordon said it best when speaking to his son, "Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now." 

We all, at some point or another, deserve a hero. Just like at some point we will all need a hero. Oftentimes the hero we deserve is the one we need and other times it doesn't work quite like that. Sometimes we deserve a hero, but that hero won't show up. Sometimes, we have to be our own hero. 

Gotham deserved Batman as their hero, but what they needed was something different. More often than not when we find ourselves down and out the hero we need is us, but we deserve much more. We deserve to be brought up by whatever force sent us down, but that isn't always the case. If our heroes always came to help us rise up I don't think we'd have fallen in the first place. 

The trouble is, being your own hero is a tall task.

My dad wanted to be his own hero when he had fallen. He was the one who had put himself there and he wanted to be his own hero, and maybe he even deserved to be his own hero. The hero he needed was someone much different than he. The hero he needed was my mom. He deserved to be his own hero but he needed my mom to help him become his own hero. And when the dust had settled and the months had passed, he was the hero. 

Our heroes won't come in shining armor and they won't always be suave and handsome. Sometimes the hero is that kid looking back in the mirror. 

When you see yourself you should see a hero of sorts. You should look at yourself and realize that when you are at your lowest point, you'll find that hero. 

Everybody has a hero and everybody will get that hero when their time comes. I believe firmly in that. 

NP: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5

my favorite quote from any book, ever

“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly, but the love of a free man is never safe.” 

-Toni Morrison

pain

I'm sitting in Drugs and Behavior listening to our TA rant about pain and how it is experienced. She's talking about how pain is subjective.

So that means each person experiences pain differently than everyone else.

I guess that's right.

I feel like most physical pain is pretty much the same, though. We all are made up of these different neurons and  pathways that carry pain signals to and from the spinal cord.

When I scrape my knee isn't it pretty much the same as when you scrape yours? Isn't the pain there regardless of how much we complain?

Maybe I'm wrong. I probably am. I'm obviously not paying much attention to what she's saying.

I'm just looking for an escape. This week of classes is going to be rough. Not due to an abundance of exams, rather because my motivation and focus are lost somewhere in limbo.

In other news I had a good weekend in Akron with Ethan, Jared, and Straka. I had a ton of laughs and shared some unforgettable times with some of my best friends.

Driving home with Straka we talked a lot about college and life in general. We talked about girls, about grades, and about stupid tolls.

We both agree that college is a sort of "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" type of thing. We take three steps forward as far as "useful" knowledge, but we take 2 MAJOR steps backward in terms of financial setbacks.

We talked about how things change from high school to college and how for many of us, college doesn't meet expectations because our senior year was so damn close to perfect.

College isn't bad. But I think that finding the right fit is more difficult than some people think. I, myself, have found this to be especially true. I'm happy here, but I feel like it isn't where I was meant to end up. It just seems like there is more to be had.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in time. I'm not too worried about it...

A little less than a month and a half until summer and God only knows what summer has in store for me. Hopefully it is something unpredictable and beautiful.

I'm ready for some unpredictability and beauty.

Holy shit, unpredictability is a word. Awesome.

NP: Skinny Love- Bon Iver

are you willing?

For the third night in a row I hung out with some of my best friends. You see I could hang out with them every single night and I doubt I'd ever want to leave their sides.

I've come to realize that my six best friends are basically my family. I talk to almost all of them every single day, I see them as much as I can, and I tell them I love them much like I do my own family.

The difference between these friends and any other, average friend is that I'd be willing to go to war for this group.

The phrase I've grown up with is, "Would you go to bat for them?"

That means in times of trouble or when they really need you are you willing to step up and help them out.

I can honestly say that I would do anything for my best friends. If someone hurt one of my best friends I'd find the poor bastard who did it and I'd go to war for my friend. Even if I was outmanned or undersized I'd go to bat for them. Even if it meant getting my ass kicked or humiliated I would do it.

You see there is no amount of humiliation that could ever sting as bad as letting down a friend. Disappointment hurts worse than any physical pain ever will.

Because at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, my best friends are the ones who push me and my best friends are the ones who make me wish each day would never end.

NP: Count On Me- Bruno Mars

long, windy, dark roads

This past evening I went on a long ride with two of my best friends. We sat and sang and listened to some music as we braved the night. As we drove my mind whirled about where I'm at, where I've been, and where I'm going.

One friend kept explaining that I seemed a bit down and out of it. I'm not really sure what the problem is or if there even is a problem. More than likely the problem lies within.

I'm doing well all things considered and this break is much needed.

One thing that ran through my head while driving around is that certain drives are ones you'd wish would never end and others are ones you wish had never started. Oftentimes the drive is to and from the same place, but the difference between longing for it to end and wishing it never would deals with tension. There was no tension in the van tonight. There wasn't a single feeling of discomfort.

After we three returned I got in my car and decided I wasn't ready for my night to end just yet.

As I pulled out of my neighborhood I made a turn I've made hundreds of times before. I travelled down a road I know by heart by now. I drove that road because there are certain roads in your lifetime that are meant to be travelled under the cover of dark.

You'll find a road that you travel exclusively under one set of circumstances.

While the road can be travelled during the day you are more accustomed to it in the wee hours of morning. You're used to speeding down the road feeling either a sense of happiness or a yearning for certainty. Rarely do you take that road and feel anything besides those two emotions.

Something as seemingly meaningless as a road holds such strong ties because at the end of the road, or somewhere along it, lies a memory. Memories cling to the things that surround it, to the things that make the memory exactly what it is.

Eventually the road will lose its allure, as any old road does, and when you've come to terms with it you wonder how one road could have ever meant so much.

It isn't the road that changes, but what the road stands for.

NP: Fix You- Coldplay

not better, just different

Some people are raised to be selfish. Others raised to be selfless. Some are made to be givers and others to be takers. When I say that they are "raised" that way I only mean that their environment is one that stresses such actions. We, as able-minded people, always have a choice of our actions and personality. Certainly it is hard to break the ways we are taught since our youth, but to say that we are a product of our environment is a sad compromise. 

We are a product of our constant falterings, our successes, our life-changing experiences, our relationships, and our chosen environment. 

We are given an environment when we are born. That environment is more like a coloring book than an instruction manual. We see the outline of what could be. We can choose to color inside the lines and follow a predetermined course of action or we can mix the colors, go outside the lines, and make our own picture. When life gives you a bad environment it isn't saying you have to fail, it is simply saying your path to success might look different than everyone else's.

I'll never take anyone seriously who says that another person had a tough home life. 

From the amount of times I have heard that excuse you'd think that nobody had a happy childhood. It's an excuse tossed around just because someone had a different home life than others. The key word there, if the italics didn't give it away, is different. Nobody has the perfect home life. To some degree or another we've all had a "rough home life". 

Just because my family sins differently than someone else's doesn't mean my life has been any easier. 

Whenever someone says "rough home life" I think of my dad. I think of a thirteen year old kid living in a house with three older sibling and two younger ones. I think of those six kids living in a house with no parents. You wanna compare home lives? My dad and his brothers and sisters raised themselves for an extended period of time. That means packing school lunches and watching out for each other. Couple that with an alcoholic dad and a mom who just remarried another alcoholic. Really a storybook life isn't it? 

My dad never complains about where he came from because honestly, I don't think he'd have it any other way. Has my dad made mistakes? Hell yes. Was my dad ever a product of his environment? Hell no. 

He was a product of his decisions. He's a kid from Mount Washington who never went to college. He was an Army Ranger who travelled the world. He was a manager of a construction company. He was a heavy drinker. Now, he's sober and he works hard 5 or 6 days a week to keep a roof over my family and to keep me in school so that maybe my life can be different than his. Not better but different. 

NP: Wild World- Cat Stevens

ceiling can't hold us

What an eventful night.

In a spur of the moment decision yesterday morning I decided to join some of my friends for IUPatties day.

I haven't done anything like that before. I'm not usually the most spontaneous person. I usually prefer to have my days and nights mapped out ahead of time. Yesterday wasn't planned out at all.

I'm still learning things every single day. That's a sign that it's all going to be okay.

I'm doing a little soul searching today. Not in the sense of feeling like I've lost myself, but maybe more in the sense of finding myself. I guess that's a bit contradictory. Can you find something if it isn't lost in the first place? I think you can.

People are always looking for things that they never had.

Yesterday started off with me looking for a Chapstick I never had... That damn Chapstick. It's humorous looking back at how yesterday's events played out.

A ton of stuff happened in about 12 hours.

1. I accidentally stole a Chapstick.
2. I had some Sheetz food.
3. I heard some really loud knocks.
4. I saw a pyramid get destroyed and thrown away.
5. I chose the easy way out.
6. I dropped my wallet on the ground
7. I found out that apparently Cliff is from the airport.
8. I remembered how good my aim is with a snowball.
9. I fell asleep on a couch.
10. I fell off of aforementioned couch.
11. I continually called a dog by the wrong name.
12. I found out a certain someone has a Dairy Queen cake diet.
13. I lost a pair of socks but my shoes never came off.
14. I ate an Arby's sandwich.
15. I ended my night with some sprints.
(I also rocked a wicked cool Nike visor the entire time.)

That probably won't mean anything to most of you, but it doesn't really matter because to a select few it will mean everything.

NP: Love Sosa- Chief Keef

parents

It really is true that momma knows best. My mom is no exception to that. She is truly one of the smartest women I've ever met. That statement itself is probably an understatement. She is the smartest. She isn't one of those women who needs a Dr. before her name to show you how smart she is. My mom doesn't even have a master's degree. I'll bet you this though. I bet my mom knows a hell of a lot more about books and literature than 99% of moms (and dads for that matter). I have never seen my mom in a conversation where she was in over her head. (You know what I mean? A conversation where someone really doesn't know what they're talking about and they just kind of nod their head.) Well my mom has never been that person. She always has something to contribute. Even if it's just a tidbit that she read somewhere.

That woman can put away books.

Hell, I feel like I've done something special if I finish three books over the summer. My mom? She reads at least 10 or 15 I'd say. That's pretty spectacular if you ask me. Plus she does laundry, cooks, cleans, and builds puzzles! She's no slacker and I can say I've learned a lot from her.

When I said my mom was the smartest woman I've met I wasn't really giving her the credit she deserves. She's not just brains or book smart, she's life smart. I'm talking WISE.

She always knows what to say and that's a talent very few people possess.

My mom has said on more than one occasion that she sometimes wishes she would have pursued something else, something like law school. I think she did it right. Not that I don't think she could handle law school. She could. And my mom would've made a hell of a lawyer, I promise you that. But she's a hell of a teacher. I can't say I wish she would've done anything else because how could I be sure I'd even be here? If she went to law school would she have met my dad? Would I even be lucky enough to call her mom? Crazy thing to think about actually, never being born.

I love my mom.

My dad is a totally different creature. Smart in more ways than one, crazy in more ways than you can think of. My dad never went to college. School wasn't for him. You know what was? Making a name for himself. He did that by working at a very successful construction company. My dad is really good with numbers and he was a hell of a manager.

Helping manage a company doesn't teach you the main things I look to my dad for though My dad is versatile and gritty. If my dad had to do something unthinkable to help our family, I'm certain he would. And I'm certain he would do it well. He is a handy son of a bitch and the funniest guy I know. He taught me how to make yourself better by laughing at yourself. He taught me that if you can't be yourself in every situation you are doing something wrong. My dad never puts on a front. He is 100% himself. And basically, if you have a problem with that, you can go to hell.

My dad taught me something else. Something he didn't have to ever say. Something he might not realize he did.

He showed me that just because you're down doesn't mean you're out. No matter how down you are there is always a shot at redemption.

That's huge.

Obviously, I love my dad.

My mom had a text that was spot on today. Made me laugh, made me smile, and made me shake my head because I knew, once again, she was right. She always is.

I talk to my best friends every single day. Today is no exception. Every day. That's how it is.

NP: Flowers In Your Hair- The Lumineers

question for you all

So today the blog already has 143 views from last night's post. That's close to double the amount who have regularly been reading each time I post.

That makes me wonder...

So I'll leave it up to you guys. Is it a coincidence? Is it care? Is it people expecting a spectacular blog in the wake of a major change? Or is it, and I hope it isn't, a bunch of cynics trying to read into the mind of a proverbial fallen hero? 

You can answer that quietly to yourself. 

Have a great day everybody. A little bit of snow won't hurt you.

NP: Carry On- Fun.

let's see how far we've come

So where do I start? Not really an eventful day. Well, I mean, not many events. No more than usual. If we aren't measuring eventfulness in number of events and rather magnitude, then, well, today was extremely eventful. 

I'll spare you the nitty gritty. 

What matters isn't what happens to us, but what we are inspired to do because of it. 

It is nice to see how many people reach out when they think you need it. Thanks guys. 

I just wish I knew what to say to capture your attention. I could talk about time, about perspective, about love, or about being okay. I'm just not sure that I'm all that equipped to do so. 

What I know about time: Time is infinite, but the time we have is very finite. So much so that we don't know how much we have. Time heals all things and time also changes all things. (In varying degrees at least.) Time is constant, it just doesn't seem that way. Also, there is always time to reflect, but never time to regret. You can even reflect on bad memories so long as you don't regret them. Time is unpredictable. 

What I know about love: It's out there. There's a lot of it. It's really good. It can hurt really bad. If you don't give it a fighting chance then fighting for it doesn't make much sense. Love can be one-sided. It can be two-sided. Hell, in some crazy cases it can have three or more sides. Love is one of those things you have to believe in even when you don't see it. It's there and you have to believe it. You should fight for what you love. Love is crazy and like time, ever-changing. Love will make you miss out on certain things, but you miss out knowing that what you love was worth it. Love is unpredictable. 

What I know about perspective: Life is all about it. Love, time, and being okay all change depending on your perspective. Taking different perspectives helps you see things you couldn't before. 

What I know about it all being okay: It will all be okay. It'll take time, it'll take love, and it might even take perspective, but it will be okay. 

i.e.) Today was a beautiful day and nothing can change that. The sun must've read the blog and decided to give me something to smile about. 

NP: Jesus Walks- Kanye West

bamboozled

My head hurts. I can't focus on this calc practice quiz. Law and Order SVU is on. I'm ready for a break from it all. 

I started five different blogs and ended up deleting all of them. I had a lot to say and no way to say it. 

Wanna know what I'm ready for more than break? A little sunshine. Not the fleeting glimpses I get of it on a cloudy day. I want those sunny days where all worry is cast aside. The days where you think nothing can go wrong even after something has. I'm tired of all this gray in my life. 

I want a reason to smile every single day. 

I have some reasons, but the sunlight would be nice. 

Have I told you guys how much I miss baseball?

It's pretty damn bad. I hope I get the chance to play some ball this summer. There really isn't anything like the sweat you get during a baseball game on a blistering summer day. Nothing like running down a fly-ball to make the third out of the inning. Nothing like the rush and uncertainty of stealing a base. I miss it all. 

Baseball is the most beautiful game in the world. You see, baseball accurately describes us as humans. 

Baseball is a sport where perfection isn't expected. Where perfection, when seen, is almost other worldly. A batter can be a legend if he is successful 4 out of 10 times. A pitcher who wins 3/4 of his games is an ace. The one place you're expected to be close to perfect is in the field. Baseball is a team sport where an individual can shine through. It's also a sport where an individual cannot single-handedly win a game (not most times at least). Baseball in recent years has been marred by performance enhancing drugs. 

PEDs show how we as humans work. The way we are raised. The cultural perception of how things ought to be. We are raised to be perfect, or as close to it as we can manage. Baseball is a game where you simply cannot be perfect. With the exception of a handful of pitchers in a handful of games it isn't possible. There are too many factors. 

I think the biggest rush during a game is stealing a base. It isn't just speed that steals you a base. It has a lot to do with smarts. It takes a strong lead, it takes patience, and it takes vision. You pay attention to the pitcher's idiosyncrasies and you time him up. He'll give you one look, might throw over once or twice, but then he wants to focus on the batter. You can take a couple inches, but you have to be careful no to get too cocky. With a righty you watch his back heel. If he raises his left leg or slide steps you're off. With a lefty you have to cut down your lead. You can't take as much but now you have a decision to make. Are you fast enough to wait to him to approach the plate? Or are you going on first movement? Whatever the situation is once you put your head down there is no going back. Once your head is down anything could happen. A ball in the dirt and most times you are in easy. A curveball gives you an extra split second to get there. It comes down to how smart you are, how fast you are, and how good the catcher's arm is. 

I miss it. 

NP: My Oh My- Macklemore 

piano-side thoughts

Okay so maybe it's a keyboard. Doesn't take away from the fact that Jared is rocking out on it at 3:30 in the morning. It doesn't make much sense, starting to play at 3 a.m. but it does't have to make sense. It's cool with me. My weekend was nice.

Rode the bus home to see Graz yesterday then we came back down to Pitt for a while to hang before he went home. Back to Cinci in the morning for him.

Walking from Pitt to Pap's house showed me where I want to make it to one day. Life on Bayard we will call it. The street just has a feeling of something I can't quite describe. Somewhere between wealth and hard work. Not as shallow as wealth but not any blue collar type of hard work. It is a good feel though. A feeling like you've made it. Like you've done something right.