tell all

It's almost midnight on my second Sunday here at school. I feel weird. I don't quite belong yet. In time I will, but right now I'm still an outsider trying to work my way in. Classes aren't in full swing yet and I'm getting a hang of my schedule and where things are.

Right now I'm not particularly tired so I'll give you guys and girls something worth reading. I'll give you everything that's running through my head at this moment in time.

I don't want to be an accountant. I don't want to be boring. I want to make money to support my family and other than that I don't care how much I make. I want to write a book, or several books I guess. I have some ideas already, but I'm a long way from starting the actual writing process.

I came to Pitt because I wasn't as happy as I thought I could be at Fordham. My friends start back to class tomorrow and I hope that their semester starts off well.

I'm here in Pittsburgh. 7 hours away from those friends and I can say that I truly miss them. I'm about 2 minutes away from two of my best friends in the world though. I'm eternally thankful to have them in my life.

I'm still an accounting major. I said I was coming to Pitt to focus more on writing classes. Right now I'm not being true to myself. I'm saving $30,000 a year, sure, but I'm not doing what I want to. What good is that?

I hate calculus. If I had a say I would never look at it again as long as I lived. Sadly I'll have to look at it as soon as tomorrow at noon. And the day after that, and the day after that, all the way to Friday.

I want to be writing in class. Calculus literally applies to 1% of all jobs in the world. Engineers. I'm not an engineering major so why do I need to know limits and functions and such? If I'm supposed to prepare taxes for a living when will I need that complicated of algebra? I don't think I ever will.

I see that as a flaw of college. If I'm trying to become an accountant make me an accountant. Don't force me into these classes that are irrelevant to my major. Let me do what I have to and get out. Don't make getting an education such a bureaucratic bunch of bull shit. "Core Curriculum". What a joke. A doctor doesn't need to know about the structure of a paragraph anymore than an accounting major needs to know about the Greeks. It's just another way to make more money off of us. I understand exposing kids to some of everything, but why, why, why does a pre-med student need a history class? If he is in the pre-med track let them be! Don't waste their time and energy.

If I had a say I wouldn't go to college. I'd like to devote my time to something else. I'd like to travel the world and see firsthand what's out there. I'd like to see and I'd like to write what I see. I want to make an impact now and I feel like college is delaying that. We have a precious number of years on this earth and we spend a good amount of it in school. Then after school we're expected to work another 25+ years. It's a rat race of sorts, one that's developed and perfected itself over time.

I want to write a book, make a lot of money, and travel. I want to travel until I write another book. I want to give an obscene amount of money to charity. I know I won't be the one curing cancer, but I can give money to the people who are going to. Yes I said going to. One day they'll find a cure. Cancer is a type of evil in my opinion. And I think that all evil is quelled at one point or another.

Evil demands thought of the good and bad. Which brings me to myself. I'm a good person. I'm a good person who has done bad things.

I guess that's probably assumed in some context or another. "Everybody has done bad things." True.

I've lied and I've cheated. I don't remember if I've stolen or not. I don't think so. I've swore...again, that's a given.

I have lied to a lot of people in my day. From little white lies to lies of a greater magnitude. I've cheated on spelling tests and more serious things too.

I'm realizing something though. I've lied to myself more than to anyone else. I've also cheated myself in so many ways.

I've cheated myself by selling myself short. I've done that for as long as I can remember. From 8th grade until the first part of senior year I found myself to be a pretty average person in almost every respect. Two Thanksgivings ago that started to change. I started to see that there was more out there for me. I saw how sheltered I was. I met my best friends and began getting close with them. I lost someone I thought I was in love with. But I realized that I wasn't ever really as in it as I should be. That has to do with lying to myself.

I've given up on myself before. I sort of did that at Fordham in all honesty. I did that with college baseball at Fordham too. I told myself "I can't".

I can though. Or I can at least try. I don't regret coming home to Pitt, not in the slightest.

I'm a confident person. I've been told I don't show it. I'm more confident than you all think. I guess that talk is worth what you paid for it, and seeing how this blog is free to read, it isn't worth shit. If I'm confident then I guess I'l have to go out and show you. I can do that.

NP: Homeboy- Eric Church