thoughts on my transfer

I don't know what made me think about it and I'm still not sure exactly what I think about it, but something made me think about my transfer.

I guess part of it is missing some people from Fordham. Some of it was seeing Jarrett post pictures of being back at Fordham on Instagram. And honestly some of it just hit me out of nowhere.

Seeing Jarrett's pictures made me smile because, well because I miss him. More than he knows. The pictures also made me feel empty in a way. Empty because I'll never have what he has there. Jarrett went to Fordham for four years and from the outside looking in I would say he did it the right way. He made friends, he had fun, and now he has a great job. Even though I'm hundreds of miles away I still feel, and think I'll always feel, a little sense of belonging at Fordham.

The part that hit me out of nowhere isn't exactly from nowhere I guess. It's from the lecture halls, the 250 people in my classes, and the feel of classes thus far. I have some classes here that will challenge me, no doubt, but I don't feel nearly as challenged as I was at Fordham. It makes me think back to my time in high school and how hard I worked. I busted my ass for three years (let's be honest I skated through senior year) trying to get into a top tier school. I did exactly what I planned and then I came back.

I'm not knocking on Pitt. Hell, I love it here so far. It's just not what I had planned on when I was in high school.

I busted my ass for the small classes that Fordham offered. Last semester 40 kids was a packed class and now I have 250.

I guess the thing I'm missing right now is a personal tie to my school. I think it will come in time. When people used to ask where I went to college I got to say "Fordham University". After I would answer there were two looks I would get; one was a look of puzzlement because they had no idea where or what Fordham was and the second was a congratulatory look because they did know what it was and thought it was a great school.

Pitt's a great school too, I'm just not used to saying I go here.

Today Mr. Gannon brought me back to school and as I got out of the car and thanked him he said three words that really shook me. They weren't aggressive words, or words of warning, and honestly they weren't anything uncommon. He just said, "Make us proud."

See when I got into Fordham I felt like I made everyone proud. When I got a 3.6 my first semester I felt like I made everyone proud. I don't know if I made anyone proud by transferring.

I plan on making everybody proud. Give me time.

I don't see what Mr. Gannon said as a challenge, or a test, I guess I see it as more of an opportunity. You always have the opportunity to make people proud. And I don't think that the people in my life aren't proud of me. I think I can just make them more proud.

I don't really know where this was going, or if it was going anywhere. I guess it's going wherever you want it to go. All I'm saying is that I will make you proud, Mr. Gannon. I'll make you all proud.

I promise.

NP: Take Care- Drake ft. Rihanna

philosophy in an economics recitation

In philosophy last semester we learned how different philosophers pointed out that a small error at the beginning will lead to large errors at the end. This is believed to be true of a corrupted individual or something as trivial as a calculation in math.

Today in microeconomics recitation our TA told us that he wants us putting in our best work. He showed us that he wants us to get slightly better everyday. Better at economics and just being a better version of ourselves. In what proves to be a very simple calculation he showed how a very small difference can become a huge difference in a year's time.

He said that if we start out as 1 and we remain the same for an entire year, (1^365), we will still only be that 1. If we continually get worse or decrease, even by .01, (.99^365), we end up at .025. But, if we continually get a wee bit better, again I'll use .01, (1.01^365), we can end up at a great number like 37.78.

Maybe I think this is cooler than it actually is, but it makes sense and it isn't hard to do.

Become a tiny bit better today than you were yesterday.

Off to class.

NP: Closing Time- Semisonic

qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

That title doesn't make much sense does it? 

No. I guess it really doesn't. I simply ran my finger across the keyboard and I left it. It doesn't make sense and not much does in this world. And the truth is that the sooner we accept that as a fact the sooner we will be as happy as we can be. 

Sure there are things that we think make sense. Like 2+2=4. Even that simple equation is pretty confusing though. Who the hell decided 4 came after 3 which came after 2? I'm certain that 4-2=2, but I'm not sure why I'm so sure of it. 

I know that the sun will rise tomorrow and I don't understand how it does, but I'm glad it does. 

I'm sure that not a single person on this planet is perfect, yet I think that each of us can be perfect in a certain situation. In the modern era of baseball 21 different pitchers have been "perfect" on a given day. People can describe a day as "perfect" or a moment as "perfect". 

Just like a perfect game a perfect situation has tens of thousands of things that have to happen for it to end up the way it does. Whether it's a diving catch or a chance meeting it has to happen for something perfect to emerge. 

We're all imperfect. It's in our nature to make mistakes and be flawed. 

The thing I'm not sure of is if it's also in our nature to seek out the things that exploit our flaws or the things that bring us closer to perfection. Perfection can come and go in a flash of brilliant light or it can remain ablaze and constant for us to bask in like a warm summer's sun. 

I know I'm not perfect and you aren't either. I know he isn't perfect and she isn't perfect. That doesn't mean that they can't be perfect or we can't be perfect though. Perfection is too often used to describe things that aren't attainable. There is perfection all around us.  

I won't be perfect for everyone and everyone won't be perfect for me, but I like to think I've found a little piece of perfection in my life. 

You get to create your definition of perfection. Then after you create it you get to pursue it. Over time the definition will change and so will you. Your constant search for "perfection" will show you just how flawed you are. That's something you'll have to accept. You'll find 100 things imperfect in your search, but if you're lucky, which I think everyone is, you'll find that perfection. 

It's there, somewhere amidst the twenty-six letters in the title of this blog you can find perfection. 

And it's somewhere in your life too. You just need to start looking. 

NP: We Are Young- Fun.

can we change it, if we aren't usual

I want to help change the world. I just don't think I'll be changing it in any conventional way.

I won't be serving my country in the armed services. I won't be a medical professional searching for the cure to a disease that has plagued mankind for centuries.

So if I'm not fighting for freedom or saving lives how can I change the world?

Can I change it with pen and paper? Can I change the way people think and the way they act? Could I write something so powerful it makes people reevaluate things in their everyday lives? Does a change have to be fought for or found with a microscope?

I hope not.

I hope that the pen is still mightier than the sword and that words can do more damage than bullets. I like to think that if a piece of literature is written that inspires even one person to be a better version of themselves then the book is a success.

I guess I'm realizing that there are different types of acclaim one can look for. For instance I could write a bestselling book that sells millions of copies. However, that book won't be as successful as one read by only 50 people if the latter is read correctly. Here's what I mean. If my book that is read by the masses is misinterpreted or not understood totally then it has failed. But if my book that reached only 50 pairs of eyes is taken exactly for what it's worth then it is more successful.

All this talk of books and my dumb ass hasn't even started one yet. I've got all these ideas floating around and if I don't use them soon I might just forget.

It's late. Too late. Night guys

NP: Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day

Catching Up

Today was already my second Friday at school. It's insane how fast my days go by here. If you were wondering I am absolutely loving school. I don't wake up and feel sick to my stomach, I don't dread seeing my roommate, and I don't count down the days til I come home. Instead I find something to do every single day. I find something to look forward to even on down days. Whether it's going to work out and run with Dave or just sitting in my room talking with Greg.

Greg's a great guy. (Greg is my roommate if you were wondering.) He's from close State College in what he calls "the sticks". It's his first semester here and actually his first semester anywhere. He was in basic training before starting this semester. I've hung out more with Greg this semester than I did with Richie all last semester.

So far my Pitt experience has been exactly what I thought college was supposed to be. I'm slowly meeting new people and I never feel alone. How could I with two of my best friends here? We start intramural soccer soon which is really exciting to someone who hasn't played an organized sport in months.

Classes aren't bad. Drugs and Behavior has a lot of biology stuff in it which worries me, but I guess it's mostly just memorization...need to get my hands on some notecards ASAP. That and Calc will probably be my two hardest classes.

Anyway, as for the title of the blog. After classes today I went and met Jordan, Anna, and Jordan's friend Alexis for dinner. We just ate at a little place on Forbes and went to get coffee afterwards. It was really nice seeing Anna and Jordan. I've known those girls for a long, long time and we've had our fair share of laughs over the years. They asked how school was and how my family was and how Ashley was. All of which are good. Anna goes to Clarion, which is more towards the cabin than it is towards home, but Jordan is only a quarter mile away at Carlow studying nursing.

We sat at Joe Mama's and talked for about an hour and a half. Our conversations included talks about college, memories from high school, and everything in between. Jordan and Anna haven't changed a bit. Still the best of friends who love to get after each other. They fight and love like sisters. It was nice seeing them and catching up.

You see, to me there isn't anything wrong with keeping friends from high school. There isn't anything wrong with keeping in touch and staying close to people you want to stay close with. There's nothing wrong with catching up but there might be something wrong with going back. Catching up and going back are totally different things. You can talk about high school without being pulled back into it, without longing to be back.

I can keep old friends but move forward, it isn't that hard, I've done it thus far. The coolest part about keeping old friends is that you can still make new ones. Done that too. Those new friends told me they're going to come visit. Kaitlin and Caroline promised they'd make a trip to Pittsburgh to see me and I told them I'd come see them at good old Fordham.

I've moved on from high school. I look back from time to time to reminisce and remember. People love tweeting this cliche saying, "The only time you should be looking back is to see how far you've come." I look back and see how far I've come but I also look back to learn. You can learn a lot from your past. It's quite possibly the best teacher you'll ever have. It's up to you to decide what to keep from your past. Keep only what makes you stronger, makes you a better person, and what makes you smile. The rest doesn't belong in your life.

Looking back  through this blog I see all the different songs I had playing to represent different people. Certain songs I wouldn't listen to because they reminded me of a time, or of a person, or of something that happened, but I'm realizing you don't have to skip over those songs. In fact, it's better to take a listen and find the words in it that you missed the first time. The lyrics that used represent something one thing can have a whole new meaning to you. It's a way of falling in love with a song you had lost all feelings for.

You can't just skip the things that have shaped you into who you are. You have to play them over and over again until you remember how you came to be you.

Like always I'm trying to be more philosophical than I actually am. Time to go do something else, like read for class. Sounds good to me.

Until next time.

NP: Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

if you do it right you'll only have to do it once

Sure this title could apply to a lot of things, but I will choose to focus in on one aspect of it. Marriage.

There are some shocking statistics out there about divorce rates in America. (When I say shocking I mean it in the sense of shockingly sad not like an electrical shock.) Is it that more and more people aren't falling all the way in love or that they're falling out of love?

The statistics say that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. (Third time isn't the charm.) What that shows me is that people aren't falling in love, or rather their sense of being in love is skewed from what I think love is. I just don't see how someone could "fall out of love" three marriages in a row. Okay sure there are other possibilities (cheating, spouse was never in love, etc.) but I think you'd have to be a complete jackass to have three picks at a wife and not be able to pick the right one. To me that shows that some people will never be happy with just one person.

So what is America's problem? Are people marrying too young? Is marriage not as sacred as it used to be? Or is it something more complicated and deeper rooted than that?

Does a ring on the finger not mean what it used to?

I don't have an answer to any of these questions, but I'll tell you something I do know. Whenever I meet a new person the first place my eyes wander is to their left ring finger. I like to see if they have a wedding ring. I take mental notes of it and often think about it.

Just to show you I'm being serious here's some insight. My calc professor is married but she doesn't have a wedding ring. She's talked about her husband in class so I know he exists. Interesting that she doesn't wear a ring though, right? My economics professor is married. I saw that right away when she was using the overhead the other day during lecture. She's got a big ass rock on that thing too, well played. My literature professor is married. Saw her ring today. It was reassuring because she's young and has an infant son. My psych professor is married and speaks often about her daughters. Ring: check. Finally, in drugs and behavior I'm not sure. No ring, but as my calc professor proves you don't have to wear a ring to be married. Also, my calc TA is married. The guy can't be older than 25, good for him.

83.33% of my professors are married. I feel like that's a pretty good percentage.

I guess what I'm saying is that just because statistics aren't in your favor doesn't mean that marriage and true love don't exist. I know there are 1,000,000 things that can change in a course of a relationship and alter that once perfect relationship. Granted, when you say "I do" you have no idea what lies ahead. The thing is, you can't be afraid of those million things that could happen. When you kiss your bride at the alter you shouldn't be thinking any farther ahead than the dancing that awaits you and your imminent embarrassment from a lack of "rhythm".

Marriage is supposed to be the start of a life together with special someone. It isn't a statistic, it isn't  a part time thing, and it isn't doomed. There's a lot of love out there and I think that everybody can find somebody to love forever. Maybe not on the level of "soulmate" but if they can make you laugh, make you smile, and make you feel okay when you aren't why not spend forever with them?

Marriage is still alive and if you do it right you'll only have to do it once.

That's my plan. One and done.

tell all

It's almost midnight on my second Sunday here at school. I feel weird. I don't quite belong yet. In time I will, but right now I'm still an outsider trying to work my way in. Classes aren't in full swing yet and I'm getting a hang of my schedule and where things are.

Right now I'm not particularly tired so I'll give you guys and girls something worth reading. I'll give you everything that's running through my head at this moment in time.

I don't want to be an accountant. I don't want to be boring. I want to make money to support my family and other than that I don't care how much I make. I want to write a book, or several books I guess. I have some ideas already, but I'm a long way from starting the actual writing process.

I came to Pitt because I wasn't as happy as I thought I could be at Fordham. My friends start back to class tomorrow and I hope that their semester starts off well.

I'm here in Pittsburgh. 7 hours away from those friends and I can say that I truly miss them. I'm about 2 minutes away from two of my best friends in the world though. I'm eternally thankful to have them in my life.

I'm still an accounting major. I said I was coming to Pitt to focus more on writing classes. Right now I'm not being true to myself. I'm saving $30,000 a year, sure, but I'm not doing what I want to. What good is that?

I hate calculus. If I had a say I would never look at it again as long as I lived. Sadly I'll have to look at it as soon as tomorrow at noon. And the day after that, and the day after that, all the way to Friday.

I want to be writing in class. Calculus literally applies to 1% of all jobs in the world. Engineers. I'm not an engineering major so why do I need to know limits and functions and such? If I'm supposed to prepare taxes for a living when will I need that complicated of algebra? I don't think I ever will.

I see that as a flaw of college. If I'm trying to become an accountant make me an accountant. Don't force me into these classes that are irrelevant to my major. Let me do what I have to and get out. Don't make getting an education such a bureaucratic bunch of bull shit. "Core Curriculum". What a joke. A doctor doesn't need to know about the structure of a paragraph anymore than an accounting major needs to know about the Greeks. It's just another way to make more money off of us. I understand exposing kids to some of everything, but why, why, why does a pre-med student need a history class? If he is in the pre-med track let them be! Don't waste their time and energy.

If I had a say I wouldn't go to college. I'd like to devote my time to something else. I'd like to travel the world and see firsthand what's out there. I'd like to see and I'd like to write what I see. I want to make an impact now and I feel like college is delaying that. We have a precious number of years on this earth and we spend a good amount of it in school. Then after school we're expected to work another 25+ years. It's a rat race of sorts, one that's developed and perfected itself over time.

I want to write a book, make a lot of money, and travel. I want to travel until I write another book. I want to give an obscene amount of money to charity. I know I won't be the one curing cancer, but I can give money to the people who are going to. Yes I said going to. One day they'll find a cure. Cancer is a type of evil in my opinion. And I think that all evil is quelled at one point or another.

Evil demands thought of the good and bad. Which brings me to myself. I'm a good person. I'm a good person who has done bad things.

I guess that's probably assumed in some context or another. "Everybody has done bad things." True.

I've lied and I've cheated. I don't remember if I've stolen or not. I don't think so. I've swore...again, that's a given.

I have lied to a lot of people in my day. From little white lies to lies of a greater magnitude. I've cheated on spelling tests and more serious things too.

I'm realizing something though. I've lied to myself more than to anyone else. I've also cheated myself in so many ways.

I've cheated myself by selling myself short. I've done that for as long as I can remember. From 8th grade until the first part of senior year I found myself to be a pretty average person in almost every respect. Two Thanksgivings ago that started to change. I started to see that there was more out there for me. I saw how sheltered I was. I met my best friends and began getting close with them. I lost someone I thought I was in love with. But I realized that I wasn't ever really as in it as I should be. That has to do with lying to myself.

I've given up on myself before. I sort of did that at Fordham in all honesty. I did that with college baseball at Fordham too. I told myself "I can't".

I can though. Or I can at least try. I don't regret coming home to Pitt, not in the slightest.

I'm a confident person. I've been told I don't show it. I'm more confident than you all think. I guess that talk is worth what you paid for it, and seeing how this blog is free to read, it isn't worth shit. If I'm confident then I guess I'l have to go out and show you. I can do that.

NP: Homeboy- Eric Church

how you leave it

Today I asked myself which way I want to be remembered when I'm gone: by a million people for one thing or by one person for a million things. You know? Like Jonas Salk, known for curing polio by almost the entire world. Or the idea of a father, being remembered by his son, in a million different memories from throughout his life.

After thinking about it for a while I decided there isn't much of a difference. It's sort of a personal preference and I can't say which is better.

I want to be a husband, a father, and someday a grandfather. I want to leave my family with a million things to remember me by. At the same time I wouldn't mind writing a New York Times Best Seller and having a million people remember me as the author of it.

They are two totally different things and I would love to do both.

From different perspectives one might not seem to be as important as the other, but I assure you they are. For example, to the public me coaching my son's little league team doesn't mean much if I'm not writing a book. But to my son and wife, coaching that little league team will produce a thousand memories to store away. On the flip side you show my son my best selling novel, imagine how interested he would be. A 12 year old kid doesn't want to see how his dad is making money, he wants his dad to catch baseball with him.

Importance is in the eye of the beholder (like beauty, I guess).

What it comes down to is I want to be remembered. Be it for one thing by a million, or for a million things by one.

I want to be successful and I want to be excellent. Some people think there is a difference between the two of those, but that is a totally different debate.

NP: Landslide- Fleetwood Mac

Sweet Caroline?

Well I am at Pitt. Started yesterday. I'm in five classes just like I was at Fordham. I have a new roommate and a new environment to get acclimated to. I'll admit it feels strange not going out the door and seeing Martyr's. It's weird that I don't go to McGinley to eat. Weird that I don't ever see Eddie's or Keating. It's weird that I'm not 7 hours away from home.

It isn't a bad weird, just a new one. New in the sense of finding my classes and things of that nature.

I've been sitting behind this computer for an hour and a half over-thinking. I'm so damn worried about my classes and it's only the second day. I feel like I'm behind but I haven't learned anything to be behind on. I'm driving myself crazy as we speak...well as I speak to myself.

I need to just realize that it's out of my control. I need to go day by day and look at what's on my plate. I don't really have anything on my plate tonight. That means I should get a shower and go to bed. Get a good night's sleep and wake up ready for tomorrow. Will that happen?? It remains to be seen.

20 minutes later... I'm in Jared and Dave's room.

20 minutes after that...still here.

I found some reading I can get ahead on for Thursday...tomorrow...I'll do it tomorrow.

I don't want to shower tonight. Maybe I won't.

I like it here so far. Still feeling it out.

Til next time.

NP: Work Out- J. Cole

my biggest fear

I've decided what my biggest fear is. It isn't something silly like heights or snakes. It isn't inadequacy or being weak. It isn't even death. My biggest fear is one day forgetting.

I'm not a huge fan of The Notebook but it did make me think. It made me think about Alzheimer's, about dementia, and about the possibility of one day not being able to remember.

You don't have to be a diehard fan of the movie but you can at least appreciate the idea behind it. I know the last time I saw it I was a somewhat ignorant 14 or 15 year old boy. I said that it was a stupid love story, a useless rom-com, and a chick flick. I didn't pay attention to what was actually going on.

It isn't so much the love story I think I can learn from, it's the fact that you can forget it all. It doesn't have to be something as spectacular as a Noah Calhoun/Allie Hamilton love affair that you are forgetting. It can be faces, names, or moments in time. I guess in reality that's what any love story is. It's just a series of moments in time, intertwined in a way that creates something great. What's especially scary to me is what happens when it worsens. After you forget the names and faces of friends and family do you begin to forget yourself?

We work all our lives to make memories, friends, and a family and the idea that we can forget it all is scary. Our name is something that travels with us from birth to death, but what good is a name that you yourself can no longer remember?

I guess all we can do is live each day and night to their fullest. I can't let the fear of forgetting prevent me from doing.

So I guess that's a New Year's vow I can make to myself: Make each day worth remembering.

NP: Drops of Jupiter- Train

Year's Review

Another year has come to pass. 2012 is now a memory. My 2012 consisted of many things both good and bad. 

In short; I loved a lot and I lost a little, I smiled more than I frowned, I laughed more than I cried, and I lived without a fear of dying. 

2012 was good to me. It helped me grow closer to my six best friends. It gave me six new friends. I lost no loved ones. I fell in love with my best friend. I lived in New York City for four months. I came home. More than leaving or coming home, I learned about myself. 

I learned that forgiveness is much easier than hatred. I learned that I'm not always right. I learned that not everything is reciprocated, but that doesn't mean you can't always give everything you have. 

I watched a recap of 2012 today that Google did and it gave me chills. You almost forget how much good took place in 2012, how many inspirational actions there were. One can't help but remember the sad losses at Sandy Hook and the Aurora Shooting. Those are things we can't forget. We cannot dwell on the negatives though. Take a look back at the Summer Olympics if you want something to smile about. Whether you're a fan or not of gymnastics, track, or swimming you can at least respect what Gabby Douglas, Michael Phelps, and Oscar Pistorius did. 

It didn't hit me until today what the exact magnitude of those athletes actions is. Michael Phelps didn't just win the most Olympic medals ever, he inspired at least one generation of young boys. Oscar Pistorius gave hope to disabled children across the world. 

Inspiration and hope are two things that can't be taken away. Once they are planted, once they are done, possibilities for the good that can come are endless. 

I was hopeful in 2012. Rightfully so. 2012 was a beautiful year. If you took the time you could scour my blog posts, tweets, and pictures on Facebook to try and sum up my year. No amount of 140 character long tweets, or words in a blog, or pictures on Facebook could begin to explain my 2012. 

You would have needed to be there with me every day to understand it. 

Nobody was with me everyday. It was just me. As 2013 goes on I will remember that. At the end of the day the only person there is yourself. That means to have a successful year I need to exemplify all the characteristics I look for in other people. I have to be responsible and accountable. I have to be respectable and well mannered. I have to be strong and aware. I have to be accepting. More than anything else, I have to love myself. 

If I don't love the kid looking back at me in the mirror I will never be able to love anyone else properly. 

2012, I'd like to thank you. 

2013, I'm ready for you.

NP: I Can't Lie- Maroon 5 

(Here's the link to the Google video. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY_MUB8adEQ)