Everybody Talks

So everybody knows. Whether it's because of technology or just word of mouth people find out information fast. You tell one person and suddenly everyone knows. It isn't necessarily a bad thing though. Makes my job a lot easier. The word is out. I am transferring.

I've known for a little while now that I was going to, but I had a surprisingly hard time telling people here. The first person I told was Peter. Then Frances and Julia. Word of mouth got the info to Steve and other kids in the dorm. The last two I told were Kaitlin and Caroline. They were the hardest to tell. I think it's because I've become increasingly close with them thanks to Ground Floor and our business presentation.

I'm already scheduled for next semester at Pitt and it's looking pretty good. All of my credits from Fordham won't transfer right away, but they will after I'm in the College of Business Administration.

I'm still not sure about housing which is discouraging. I don't have a problem commuting from somewhere close, but I'll miss out on the atmosphere of the campus.

I still have three weeks here though so I better not jump the gun. These classes aren't going to finish themselves and my professsors sure as shit aren't going to just hand me good grades. I need to keep my grades up and stay focused so I can transfer into Pitt and have a good standing when I get there.

I won't be able to minor in writing at Pitt like I had hoped to because they don't have English Writing as a minor. I will; however, be able to take writing course in a fiction or nonfiction track and get enough credits in them to show prospective employers what I've done.

I'll admit to you that for a while I hated it here at Fordham. I woke up every morning and felt sick to my stomach. That feeling is gone now. I feel more comfortable. I'm not sure if it's because I know I'm leaving or what, but I'm trying to love it while I'm still here. I think, scratch that, I know I could make it here. I know I have the intelligence and ability to succeed here, but the question I keep asking myself is at what cost? At $200,000 worth of debt? For just undergraduate business? That's more like med school debt. I can't sit here and tell myself that $200,000 isn't a lot of debt. I can bullshit, but I'm not that good at it and I can't bullshit myself. College loans can hang over a person's head forever if they let it. I'm choosing not to let it. I'm a big boy and college is something I'm going to pay for. My mom has done enough for me, it is time for me to put on my big boy pants and show myself what I can do.

I still plan on making something of myself. Don't get that confused.

I'm coming home next semester. Some might say I'm a bit of a changed man. I'm not going to lie to you, I have changed a bit. I think we all have. Over Thanksgiving break I saw all my best friends and even though we all have matured a little and gone our separate ways we still find ourselves coming back together. We laugh at the same jokes and we still love each other to death. Have we changed? In one way or another, yes, we have changed. Not for the worse. We've just changed.

I've made some good friends here at school. Friends that I hope won't forget about me when I'm gone. Friends who I hope will come visit so I can show them that Pittsburgh is nowhere near Philadelphia and nothing like anywhere else they've ever been.

I'm excited for my future.

I know some of you will say I'm giving up here or that I'm coming home for other reasons. Go ahead and think that if you want. I didn't give up and I know my reasons. I made a decision and I'm sticking to it. Maybe someday I'll find myself wandering the halls of Keating again. Be it as a graduate student or as an old man just trying to keep learning. Leaving on December 21st won't be goodbye. I'll be back. I'm sure of that.

NP: Nothing In My Way- Keane

Thanks. 363 days later.

Almost exactly a year ago I posted a blog titled Thanks. I was in Hilton Head, South Carolina and my life was, to say the least, different. Not different in a bad way, not in a good way either, it was just different. I'm 363 days older and I'm lucky if I'm even a day wiser.

While I may not be "wiser" I have learned a lot. In 363 days I have felt a wide array of emotions. I've felt like absolute shit some days, but looking at it now I can't measure my time in this emotion or that emotion. I can; however, measure it in comparisons. In 363 days I've laughed more than I've cried, I've loved more than I've  lost, I've smiled more than I've frowned, and I've had more good days than bad. Needless to say I have a lot to be thankful for.

Like last year and every year before that I am thankful. This year I'm thankful for things I never would've thought I'd be thankful for. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the usual things like friends, family, and good health but I'm thankful for other things too.

I'm thankful that things change. From times, to people, to relationships. I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me, for better or for worse, that has left me where I am at today.

I'm thankful that I'm a stubborn person. Call it stubborn or persistent I wouldn't be where I'm at if I hadn't pursued the very things people told me not to. My life wouldn't be nearly as interesting if I listened to what people told me.

I'm thankful for learning experiences. Things like being heartbroken, my grandmother passing away, and even choosing the wrong school. I've learned so much about myself from everything that's happened to me. (I still don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" but I believe that you can learn from everything that happens.)

I'm thankful that I am who I am. I'm really learning a lot about myself and I love it. I'm not saying I love myself, which I do, I'm saying I love figuring myself out. We spend so much time trying to figure everyone else out that we rarely figure ourselves out. It's through our findings in other people, our trials and tribulations, and our mistakes that we come into our own.

I ate a lot of turkey today and I laughed a lot today. How the hell could I complain?

Be thankful for the past that made you who you are today and the you today that is going to make your tomorrow. 

NP: Springsteen- Eric Church

upbringing

I think sometimes we underestimate just how much of an effect our upbringing has on us. Then again, I think a lot of times people look at an upbringing the wrong way. We're all given a name when we are born, we all have a place where we are from, and we all are raised by someone. General Peter Pace talked to our business class the other day and he said, "You have your name and your honor, nobody can take those from you, but you can sure as hell give them away."

Nobody can take away your name. You can legally change it if you so choose, but nobody can strip you of your name. The same can be said of your honor. You can be an honorable person or you can choose to give away your honor. I think that your name is something special because it's one of the few things you have from birth that won't change unless you choose too. The other thing I'm particularly fond of is where you're from.

I'm not talking about the city you grew up in. I'm talking about the house you were raised in. I'm talking about the parents or grandparents who nurtured you into the person you are today. Those who raise us have a profound affect on us be it good or bad.

I think that as most kids grow up they say that they want to be just like one parent or the other. You know, like a little girl saying, "When I grow up I want to be mommy."

That isn't always the case though. A lot of kids don't have a great home life. A lot of kids grow up in a house where neither parent is a good role model.

In those cases there are two ways a kid can go. They can use the poor home life as an excuse and make poor decisions and continue the chain, or they can do the opposite. They can learn from the mistakes of their parents and choose to contribute to society and reap the benefits. (There's a major difference between reaping the benefits and cheating the system.)

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there's always a choice. We wake up every day and we have a choice as to how we're going to act. Our upbringing has an affect on that, no doubt about it, but I despise when people say "oh he had a rough home life." Bullshit. We all have our problems. We all have free will too.

Act like scum and stick to excuses. Complain about your broken household or alcoholic parent when there are kids who come from NOTHING. Nobody says "he had a rough upbringing" when those kids are making a name for themselves. Instead they focus on where that kid is going. Once he's made it they can look back at where he came from but now they aren't making excuses, they're thinking about how to do his story justice when they make a movie about it.

You have a home, a name, and at the end of a day, a choice.

Don't make excuses, make moves.

NP: Cat's in the Cradle- Harry Chapin

reciprocation

Isn't that all we ever really want?

Reciprocation: getting back what we give out.

That's the way it's supposed to be isn't it?

If you give something or someone your all you expect that back. We expect things. That's our chief problem. Expectations make way for let downs which make for hurt feelings.

Just because we don't always feel like we're getting it back doesn't mean we shouldn't give it out. If we hold back what good are we doing? None, no good at all.

The truth is that things aren't always reciprocated. (Not the way we think they will at least). You can give, give, give and spend your days waiting to get, get, get. You can't think about those days though. We have an overwhelming propensity to focus on what we don't have or what we aren't getting. Instead, you need to focus on how much more you can give and where you're going to give it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve" 

To me that means we deserve what we're willing to give.

Love without bounds and learn to accept that same love in return.

Believe it or not most times things will be reciprocated. You just have to know that it might not always come in the most expected way. It won't always be straightforward. Sometimes you'll have to search for the good you're getting. (Doesn't seem fair right? When what we're giving out is so obvious why do we have to search?) That's just the way it is. get over it.

Look for the good. It's there. Actually, it's all around.

We just have to train our eyes.

NP: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol

2013?

So in two months it will be the year 2013. That's strange to me because for the longest time I thought that life was going to be fully lived out by 2012. I grew up logging into school computers with the 12 after tforse. I knew I would graduate in 2012 and I sort of didn't think past that point. I never once asked myself where would I be when the ball dropped and 2013 came. I never once asked what I'd have done, who I'd have met, or how things would change. I wasn't even sure 2013 was something worth worrying about.

That's where my first problem lies. I did so much living in the first 2/3 of 2012. Once I got to college I stopped. I ate, slept, and studied but I didn't really live. College hasn't worked out the way I thought it would thus far. I'm making strides to correct this problem. I have an out. I have an out that looks like it could end up being a perfect fit.

Funny how we go on thinking we want something, one day we change our minds and look for something much bigger and in time we realize that what we wanted wasn't all that far away. Call it a lapse in judgment, call it a learning experience, call it a momentary high, whatever you call it it happened. I've lived out this lapse, this experience, this high, and I've realized what I wanted. I've decided what is best for me.

When I got here I said I needed to be here. I said that I'd tough it out. I wasn't right in saying I needed to be here. You don't ever need to be anywhere except the place where you're the happiest. You need to be happy. That's pretty much my end game explanation. Find momentary happiness that will set you up for future happiness.

"You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven"

I haven't seen hell and i'd be lying if i told you I had even come close. This place isn't hell, I just know it isn't heaven either. 

These past two days I've had extremely good days. And in the week leading up to these days things seem to be going my way. I'm making my own luck and making my own happiness in a lot of ways. If I tell my self that something is going to happen why can't it? There's no natural force out there directly opposing me from accomplishing what I want. There's no Newton's Law of Preventing Good, so if I think positively I'll have more positive days. 

More than anything these past two days I've been grateful. I've been realizing just how good my life is. I have an amazing family. I have a loving mom, dad, and sister. I have a cousin here in New York who has not only been accommodating, but has gone out of his way to help me out and offer a place to hang on weekends. I have a grandpa who made coming to this school possible. I have an Aunt who has been like a second mom. Besides an awesome family I have the best friends in the world. We've grown up and gone our separate ways but somewhere in distance is an ever-present feeling of closeness. I've made some pretty cool friends here, but if you asked me who best friends were and where they were at I'd tell you that a bunch are in Ohio, that a few are in Pittsburgh, and one is in Charlottesville. 

I hate the word "blessed" but right now I'm way too blessed to be stressed.

I have a future, and I have a say in it. What more could I ask for?

NP: Springsteen- Eric Church