Home Alone

Welp. It's officially Thanksgiving.

That means it's time for everyone to post on Facebook and Twitter exactly who and what they're thankful for. Most are thankful for their family, friends, and loved ones alike. Some are thankful for things like their education, their rights as an American, or for their recent good luck. The one thing we should all be thankful for that often gets overlooked is our health. I'm lucky to be a healthy 20 year old kid. I realize there are some kids who will never get to experience life the way I have, and as cliche as it sounds, I really am thankful for it.

I didn't write this post to blather about thanks, though.

I wrote it because as I lay on the couch in my apartment at school I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed in a negative "behind in school" way, but rather I feel overwhelmed by how fast my life is moving.

So often I say how ready I am to graduate and move on, but laying on this couch without any of my friends home I realize that's a bold faced lie. I take it for granted that one of my best friends since 6th grade sleeps in the room right next to me. I take it for granted that another of my best friends lives right upstairs. And I take it for granted that I get to see the best friends I made at college every day in class. I'm so caught up in hating classes that I forget to love all the good stuff.

Next April my friends and I will graduate from college. The scariest part about that is not knowing where we'll all be after graduation. Some will head for grad school wherever they can get accepted and others are going to take jobs. We don't know where those schools or jobs will be or when we'll see each other next. One of the last memories we'll have where we're all together is our graduation.

I imagine getting your diploma handed to you is one of the more bittersweet feelings. It's proof to the world and yourself that you succeeded and made it through "the best four years of your life," but it's also a stark reminder that life does go on. It's a piece of paper that's meant to commend you for your good work while simultaneously telling you to go get a job.

I don't think I'll ever fully be ready for my friends and I going our separate ways. And while I might not ever be ready for it, I am already very aware that it has to happen.

It has to happen because if we all mulled around here for our whole lives we'd probably stagnate. I don't want that. I want my friends to go out and make a name for themselves. I want to visit them, i want to call them and reminisce, and I want to meet their families when they have them. And I can only hope they want the same for me.

This was all over the place. Just like the good old days.

Til next time, everybody. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be sure to overeat.

NP: Youth- Daughter

In Class

I'm sitting in my Investment Management class right now. I should probably be listening to what my professor is saying, but I think I'll just teach myself this stuff later on. This is a part of me trying to "live in the moment."

After last week finished up I really realized how much I'm stressing about unimportant things. I let myself get sick and worried about one single test grade. How stupid is that? Yeah, tests are important to a degree, but ten years from now I'm not going to remember these grades. And if I keep up this constant worrying and stressing I won't have anything else to remember about college.

These four years are supposed to be, and for the most part have been, the best four years of my life. While I wasn't always happy at Fordham, I never worried about grades like I have this semester. This semester I've let grades control my life and let the important things get away from me.

Thankfully I had this weekend to put things back in perspective. A double date on Friday night with Ally, Pap, and Joyce was a good place to start. Pap and Joyce have an unsurpassed ability to relax me. I could sit at dinner with them for hours and just listen to the stories from their travels. The stories might repeat, but each time they're told they come with the same excitement as the original did. Nights like the one I had Friday are the ones I'll miss most when I've grown up.

Saturday was another successful, lazy day. I went home for a few hours to hang out with my family, and the dysfunction was the same as when I left. A dinner at Ya-Fei is damn near impossible to pass up...especially if mom is paying.

I guess the common denominator this weekend was family. Family is, has been, and always will be one of the biggest contributors to my overall happiness.

As this semester winds down I find myself trying to make up for lost time. And even though it's impossible to get time back, I can move forward focusing on the really important things like friends and family.

Jared, Dave, and I all watched Game of Thrones for a few hours last night and I was reminded again how much I love my best friends. I've known those two guys since I was a little kid and we still find new things to make us laugh every single day. I'm lucky to have friends like them. I guess you could call them lifers because they'll be my friends for life. I've been very fortunate to know such hardworking, humorous, caring guys, and I can't wait until we get to graduate from the same university and set forth on our own individual journeys. I know they'll be successful in whatever they decide to do, wherever they end up.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. We still have a year and a half left in 339 Oakland Avenue to make some unforgettable memories and at the very least watch some Game of Thrones.

Hopefully this post was a nice little follow up to the last. I hope everyone reading this is in good health and good spirits.

NP: Starry Eyed- Ellie (at Semetti's request)

The Return

When I started this blog I was a senior in high school. I created it for a creative writing class and originally had to post on it for grades. Before long the blog had become a part of my identity. I posted  a blog almost every single day of my senior year, and most days there would be 200-300 people logging on to read what I had to say. Blogs back then were mostly the thoughts and ramblings of a self proclaimed "hopeless romantic." Things have changed a lot since then. I like to think the blog posts are less "hopeless" and more realistic, even though posts in general are more scarce.

Since I started my blog the longest I've ever gone without posting a blog is a month. This will be my first blog post in over two months and I'm having a tough time coming to terms with why that is. I've started about 10 blog posts in the last two months and each one ended up the same way...deleted. Maybe it's because I feel like everything I have to say has already been said, or because I feel like the topics are lackluster, or maybe it's because I'm not sure anyone really cares to read what I have to say anymore. (Or maybe it's because my high school self believed himself to be more poetic than I feel I am now.)

Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.

I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.

College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)

In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.

College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.

College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.

Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.

It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."

Til next time.

NP: Riptide - Vance Joy