Befriend First

Last night I spent the night at Pap's house. My apartment was buzzing with activity and I felt like getting away for the night. I felt so at peace just laying on the couch listening to music. Pap's house will always feel like a home away from home to me.

It's hard to explain, but in his house I felt so small. I'm used to spending nights in my tiny bedroom apartment, but in his house I had so much room to myself. It felt good to feel small. Not small in an unimportant sense, rather in the sense that there is so much space available to me.

Change of pace.

While looking up the Friedrich Nietzsche quote for last night's blog I saw another quote of his that I couldn't agree with more. The quote reads, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." I feel like too many times relationships fail because the people in them don't take the time to become friends first.

In the hookup culture that dominates the lives of my generation it seems to be very rare that you spend time with someone and get to know them as a friend before you become more. I think that's why people get so bored with each other so fast. If you become someone's friend rather than their fling you have a much better chance of keeping them close for a long period of time. People don't fall out of love nearly as often as they get bored, but boredom is often misinterpreted as lost love. Kids (or adults for that matter) are deathly afraid of being bored, so when the first signs of boredom show up, they begin to feel trapped. 

It's just boredom, though! Not lovelessness! 

I'm not claiming to know the key to a long, fruitful relationship. I just think you need to befriend someone before you can love them. 

So maybe the next time you go to "watch a movie" with a girl you like you should do just that. Sit a little bit apart and let the distance between you gradually decrease. You might learn more about her with her slightly out of your reach. 

And again, some more poetry for y'all. 

I Wait Up
I can walk you right to the cusp,

but I cannot come in. 

It's just not my place to be,

at this moment in time. 

But I'll wait up,

for you.

Because when I walk by your side, 

I'm better than when I walk alone.

I try my damnedest, 

to make you realize it.

But I can never tell you,

exactly how to feel. 

But I'll wait up, 

only for you.
When our hands break tie,
you'll go to brave the night.
And I'll be headed back,
to my own less rousing reality.
But if and when you need me,
You know I'm already there.
Since I wait up,
I always wait up,
for you.

NP: I Can Wait Forever- Simple Plan

Eternal Sunshine

So today I watched a great movie with a good friend of mine. The movie was Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I had never heard of the movie until about a month ago, but let me assure you it's worth your time. It features a star-studded cast including Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo, Kirtsen Dunst, and Elijah Wood. The story is about two lovers Joel and Clementine (Carrey and Winslet) who undergo a procedure to have the other wiped from the memory after their relationship goes south. I won't spoil anything for you. All I'll say is that most of the movie is spent showing their interactions and the difficulty that comes along with erasing memories. By the time the end of the movie came I felt like I was missing a part of me.

Needless to say that the movie made me do a lot of thinking. Thinking about love, the past, and memories. To some degree we've all felt heartache at one point or another in our life. I feel I can make that assumption because at one point we've all lost something or someone we cared about. Some will experience more heartache than other's can even imagine, and even though that isn't fair...that's life.

At 19 years old I can look back and remember days where I thought my world was crashing down on me. But even if I was given the opportunity,  I don't think I would erase any one person from my memory.

Eternal Sunshine showed me that if we go back through our memories we'll see the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it also showed me that if we search deep enough we'll find our way to the core and see the very thing we loved most. At the core we find what kept us going, what got our heart racing, and what made us feel something special.

All relationships have the potential to grow sour. Just like all love that is felt can be unfelt. But memories are supposed to be everlasting. And just because something ends or changes or dies off doesn't mean it should be forgotten or erased. If we erased every bad memory we experienced we would never make it anywhere in life.

Without trial and error how would we know when something good stumbles into our life? I don't think we would.

I like looking back to the first time I met someone. Oftentimes I meet someone once or twice before they remember meeting me. Which I like. I like having a memory of them before they knew of me.

It's like my own little secret, or a glimpse of them in a dream. 

It's dreamlike because you remember them being there, but they can't place you for the life of them. 

I guess it's fair to say that you meet people all the time & that oftentimes you meet the same people again for the first time. 

And I like that. 

I've met and re-met some amazing people this semester. People I would never in a million years erase from my mind. 

I'll leave you with a quote from the movie and a part of a poem also used in the movie...

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders." - Friedrich Nietzsche

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d” -Alexander Pope

NP: Bloodstream- Stateless 

more poetry

I don't know what it is, but I just keep cranking out poems. I'll be walking to class & say something to myself, and I act like it's the greatest thing anyone has ever said. So I write it down and then when I get home it all culminates in what you're reading. They're nothing special, probably mediocre at best, but they're original and they mean something to me. I hope you guys enjoy.

You
Being with you is a drug,
or a dream within a dream,

one that I keep coming back to.

And laying next to you a maze,

I don't know which way to go,
so most times I lay motionless and safe.

Staring at you is tranquil, 

there's nowhere else to look,
and nothing else I need to see.

Fleeting moments with my arms around you,

coupled with fleeting words I never utter,
are the very things that eat at me. 

Funny how words unspoken,
carefully thought through and silenced,
are the words that leave me out of breath.

Knowing you is enigmatic,

because trusting you is easy, 

and leaving you is painful, 

but telling you how I feel is somewhere in between. 

When I'm with you I'm lost,
but I'm so very at peace with being lost. 

Maybe because your smile on a lonely day,
is like seeing the stars after months in the city,
it makes me feel I have somewhere I belong. 

And even though we're so physically close,

I wonder how far apart our thoughts are.
Because, you see, the incongruence between perceptions,
could be the downfall of everything. 

Even though all I ever wanted,

was to be whatever you needed.

So if you ever wonder what's on my mind,
late at night, before the lights go out,

chances are, it's you.


The Past

Let's take our pasts & package them up,
move them to the attics of our being.

Out of sight and out of mind,
where none of the present will see it. 

The past will not control the present,
so long as we believe it.

We've been around the world,
met a lot of people.
Kissed more of them than we're proud of,
and felt less joy than we should have.
But those were yesterdays feelings,
and today will never feel that way.

What a sad world it would be if our past was inescapable,

no salvation, no chance for recovery.

But the past is the past,

and the present is a gift.

So leave your baggage behind, 

and show me who you are today.

Spring Break 2014

So this past week was my Spring Break. I was fortunate enough to spend the week playing baseball in Florida. Not only was I lucky enough to go south for the week, but I also got to spend it with some of the best guys I know, my teammates. I'll give you a recap of the week as best I can.

So the Florida trip was a big week for us that was filled with big moments. We went into the week ranked number 3 in the nation. The thing about being ranked number 3 in March is that we haven't really proved to anyone (including ourselves) that we deserve to be there. Also, it means that every loss we have will be viewed under a microscope, and that every team will be gunning for us. We planned on seeing most team's ace. Which is fine. I think we handled the pressure well.

We ended up going 6-1 on the trip with our only loss coming to Marquette. We beat Bowling Green for the first time which was a big thing for us, and we also held off some good teams like Virginia Tech and NC State. I think our mindset after the week shows what we expect from ourselves. When you go 6-1 and aren't totally satisfied you know you have a good team. We shouldn't have dropped that game to Marquette but maybe losing one was good for us. We got hit in the mouth and got to taste defeat. And I don't think anyone liked it very much. I think the trip reminded me what makes a good baseball team as well as a good baseball player. Good teams are ones who put out a consistent lineup even when they aren't using the same players in each position. I feel like, for the most part, we did that. Good teams also win and lose together and I think we did that as well. Good teams eat together, play together, party together, laugh together, and pick each other up. This week in Florida we did all of that. I also got to watch my teammates and I realized our team is made up of individually sound players. We have guys on the team who know their role. Middle relievers know they might come in and throw one inning, and they work hard to do that to the best of their ability. Other guys know they might be called on to pinch hit or pinch run at any point. And I think everyone is okay with their role. So not only do we have good players, but we have a good team. And a good team dynamic made up of good players is going to be tough to beat. Also, it was sweet seeing a decent fan base in Florida. Whether it was players' parents or the softball team it felt good having support so many miles from home. (So thank you to anyone who came and watched our games!) It was also fun to go support the softball team at their games. I'm sure I'll find myself at some more of their games as the semester wears on.

Like I said the week was filled with big moments. Moments like beating Bowling Green. But it was also filled with little moments made up of comments said in passing. Like when Pat and I drove to pick up the guys from the bar and Pat said "I love country music because it makes you think about the small moments. But, like, when you're listening you know exactly how to feel. Like those small moments feel a lot bigger and more significant. Like this song right here, it reminds me of my ex girlfriend." And Pat was right, country music does give you that nostalgic feeling that makes a small moment feel significantly larger. I guess the real point behind this isn't that country music makes you feel a certain way, the point is that this past week was filled with smaller moments that will mean a lot to me for years to come. They're small moments, but they're moments with some of my best friends, and that's why they'll never fade. 

Looking back on this past week I have some shocking stats to reflect on. I spent a day and a half (~36 hours) in the car with Fitz, Bagdz, and Greenfield, and I spent 7 nights in a room with Semetti, Schroll, and Toby. 

That's a lot of time with the same people. And honestly I didn't get bored or tired of anybody I was with. I couldn't have asked for better roommates or teammates to spend my week with. 

We went to Florida thinking we were a good, cohesive team. But I think we left Florida knowing we're even more than that. 

We're a group of best friends intent on picking each other up and never letting each other down. 

And that is a dynamic that's hard to match.

NP: Cocoa Butter Kisses- Chance The Rapper