A Day Late but 5 Years Strong

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday and I got to see him for breakfast which was really nice. If there's one thing college makes me miss it's definitely my parents. Some people dread being home but not me. I love my house and my family. I hope my Dad had a good birthday even though he had to work on it.

Here's another note for you all. 

This October my dad will be 5 years clean and sober. That means 5 Christmases where he was not given a wine glass at dinner. 5 years where my dad orders lemonade or ginger ale when asked if he wants something from the bar. It's 1826 days where I don't have to worry about him coming home. It's 5 years where he never once put his family at risk while driving drunk. But more than anything it's 5 years where my dad has totally been there. Every time I've looked my dad in the eyes for the past 5 years I saw the man who I love more than anything. There was a time where I would look into my dad's eyes and see nothingness. The black pupils were glassed over and seemed to represent an empty being. Now when I look in his eyes I see life. A life that is no longer lived with the vice of drugs or alcohol. For just about 5 years I've told my dad I love him everyday. Anytime he calls me I say it before I hang up. And truth be told I don't think I started doing it until he went away. When you have limited time to talk to your dad you start to cherish it. You make sure you tell him you love him because maybe that's what he needs to hear to make it through another day. 

5 years ago my mom made a huge sacrifice to try and save my dad. I'm thankful every day that she did what she did because my life would be a lot different if my dad didn't spend 90 days away from us all.

That's enough about me though. Here's to 5 years. And may the next 5 be just as great. 

Maybe in five year's time I'll be getting married and get to watch my dad order a lemonade from the bar. I look forward to the day where my dad puts on a tuxedo for my wedding and we sit down together and don't have a beer. There's nobody I'd rather drink a lemonade with than him.

I love you, Dad. 

NP: Dance WIth My Father- Luther Vandross 

500 Days of (Insert Name Here)

For my composition class we were supposed to watch our favorite/least favorite romantic movie. I decided to watch (500) Days of Summer. I encourage you all to watch it because I think it will end up being either your favorite or least favorite romantic film. For me it depends on my mood. When I went to bed last night it was my favorite and when I woke up this morning it was my least favorite. I guess it depends on what you have going on inside your head at the time.

I'll spare you the synopsis of the movie and instead talk, like I have so many times before, about love. I'll also focus in on chance and coincidence.

I'm not sure there is much I can say about love that I haven't said before. However, I recently read a piece of literature for my composition class called "Love's Labors" by Laura Kipnis that gave me a new way of looking at love (quite a cynical way, at that). While I find Ms. Kipnis's comparing of love and it's "labors" to a Marxist USSR  to be quite absurd I think she made some good points (as well as some I think are absurd).

Ms. Kipnis is quite cynical throughout her essay about love, marriage, and monogamy. She continually brings up adultery and desire which she refers to as "incurable". She asks time and time again why we work so hard for love whenever it ends up being ruined by desire, boredom, or because we have an idea of something grander. I think Ms. Kipnis is a bitter old woman truth be told. She is essentially saying that love is doomed and not worth a damn because it'll be ruined by one of the three forces aforementioned. She also proposes that one way to avoid being hurt is that we could just be emotionless. What kind of crap is that? We can't be emotionless and expect to be okay. And we can't not love because of desire.

Desire isn't a cancer to love, Ms. Kipnis, love is the force that quells desire. 

That's my little blurb for love. Now chance and coincidence.

I believe in chance but don't believe in fate. Is that backwards? Are the two really the same thing? I think of fate as something predetermined that is guaranteed to happen, but chance is when something happens based on an impulse. I view chance as missing a bus and meeting someone new, but fate as...damnit they're essentially the same thing. Maybe chance and fate are the same thing and coincidence is what I believe in. Yep, that's it. Coincidence is choosing to get coffee not lunch and meeting someone new. Damnit. I'm lost.

I believe that if something good falls through that something better is out there. That doesn't mean you should simply give up on the good expecting great to fall in your lap. It doesn't work that way. Fate isn't real. Maybe you'll get lucky and meet the great because of a coincidence, or maybe you'll meet the great because you man up and go for it. Maybe, just maybe we have more control than we think. Take control of your life and let coincidences play a minor role.

If you have 500 days to spend with someone I hope you do everything you can to keep them. I hope you show them what you love. I hope you let them in. I hope you take them out. I hope you make sure they know how you feel. I hope you make the most of those 500 days because you never know when things will change. Not because of desire or boredom, but simply because as time goes on, feelings change.

You can't predict what will come of 500 days, and you can't guarantee you'll have 500 days. All you can do is live one day at a time.

It's quite simple really. Take life one day at a time, hope for 500 days, and if you do it right you'll end up with a lot more than 500 days.

NP: She's Got You High-Mumm-ra 

Long Walks/ Varying Degrees of Alone

To whom it may concern. It's 2 am Labor Day morning. I'm walking home. By myself. I'm not sad though. I'm not even alone really. In some way that I can't quite describe I'm surrounded. When you know no one else is awake it's hard to feel alone. Loneliness is an emotion felt when people could be with you but aren't. When you're by yourself and everyone else is fast asleep you can rejoice knowing how much company awaits you later. 

I find myself watching the few people I pass on this walk. So far it's only been 1 girl. I passed her on the stairs and I couldn't help but notice how lonely she looked. Dressed up for a night out with friends she returned alone. I watched her pass and turned back to check on her after a few seconds. You always have to be looking out for people, always. Even when you're just as vulnerable you should lend a hand to help them feel just a tiny bit more comfortable. 

Now a group of people ahead of me. This group, 7 strong, still shows chinks in the armor. Out of 7 only 3 walk with a purpose. The rest lag behind. It's impossible to tell from my point of view if this group had too much to drink or not enough, truth be told the answers would probably vary from person to person.

And now 2 visibly intoxicated kids approach. Loud and obviously looking for some trouble. I put my head down and turn my music up. I have no interest in what they're saying.  I don't change my pace or my path. One intentionally bumps me but I refuse to acknowledge this feeble attempt at upsetting me. 

I pass through Towers lobby to see more friendly faces of freshman and also to reminisce. Back to those nights Greg and I would be in bed by 11 and not fall asleep until 1:30. Simply talking. Two new friends. Two best friends. I remember it all. And I don't plan on forgetting anytime soon. 

But memories have to be sidelined as I enter the muggy air once more. On Forbes I see more people. Friendly faces filled with smiles and unfriendly ones scouring at me.  

I turn down Meyran to finish my night. The only time I divert from my path is here. Simply to make sure everything is at peace. I end up behind a couple who lock hands for their walk home. I can see the girl's hand tense up while the boy stays at ease. He's there for her. And I'm sure she knows it far better than I. I've felt hands tense in mine and I know that I'd never let anything happen to the person I held. I smile for the two of them because of the prospect of what might be. Eventually I leave the two to head down the tight alleyway to my front door. 

I have arrived. I'm no different physically than I was some 20 minutes ago when I left. (With the exception of a drop of sweat on my brow.) But somehow I've grown in this short walk. I've seen people alone when they're by themselves, I've seen people alone in a group, I've seen people together in a pair, and I've felt surrounded with no one around. I walked myself home and didn't think once about myself, instead I focused on those around me. I think it's time to start doing that when everyone is awake. Less about me and more about all of you. 

I love you all. Every last one of you.

NP: Make it Home- Hoodie Allen

Scrubs

I've been watching a ton of Scrubs recently and I have to say it's my favorite TV show. My film professor told us that everything we see in movies and TV is scripted, so describing them as "real" or "realistic" isn't all that accurate. Honestly though, screw what he said. Real isn't a concept that needs to be dissected under a microscope. Anything that resonates with you is real to you. To me Scrubs is realistic and the situations presented are so incredibly well written I oftentimes wish I could be inside Sacred Heart making memories with the actors.

The episode I just finished watching ended with JD narrating as Elliot left with Sean. Earlier in the episode she had asked JD to remember that he is supposed to be her friend.

I guess somewhere along the way while JD was falling in love with Elliot he forgot that they had started out simply as friends. Obviously watching the person you love be somewhere else and with someone else is just plain awful, but at the end of the episode JD remembers what he has to do.

"Sometimes, well sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend. Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make." 

Before you can love someone you have to befriend them. Which means that your first loyalty to them isn't as a lover but as a friend. Sometimes it's hard to do that.

I guess what you have to do in that sort of situation it be a tiny bit less selfish. You have to put aside your own feelings and emotions and do what your friend needs you to do. Sometimes your friend will need you to talk them down from the ledge, sometimes they'll need you to stand up for them, sometimes they'll need you to just listen, and sometimes they might need you to leave them alone.

And while sometimes it seems unfair and hard to do, if you love them as a friend, or as whatever you claim to love them as, you'll be able to do it.

NP: Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips