Christmas

A few days ago was the day of the year I look forward to more than all the other days. Christmas Day. Sure I love my birthday and there are some other good, random days spread out, but year after year it is Christmas that I long for the most.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Despite being as sick as a dog I really did have a great Christmas. I spent a ton of time with family, a ton of time with Ashley, and even tempted fate by bringing the two together.

Ashley has met a large part of my family already. Despite only dating for close to four months she's the person I'm most comfortable with, so naturally she's the one I want to be around my family with. She's a trooper. Christmas Eve we were true travelers. Starting in Mt. Washington, heading to her family's in Beaver, and finishing at my great aunt and uncle's in Kennedy. We had minor skirmishes along the way, but we stood the test of time and Ashley even stood the test of the Spine women. (I left her in a room full of relatives she had never met before and she held her own which is admirable.)

I got more than I could ever ask for this Christmas. Presents have lost their allure really. Don't get me wrong, I love unwrapping a new pair of shoes, but it isn't the same as when I was a kid. I guess that is obvious though, right? Obviously mom wrapping the presents that she bought off a list I emailed to her isn't nearly as cool as Santa and his elves making them from a list I mailed to him.

Needless to say that Christmas has changed. Not necessarily for the worse, just for the different.

Christmas Day at Pap's has changed. Present opening has changed. The dinner is amazing, but even that has changed. The food is the same and the table is the same, but the one thing that's missing is faces. Each and every year at least one piece of the puzzle is missing.

That's the one part of growing up that I never wanted. Family members moving on and moving away. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish they were there, or maybe that's just the younger cousin in me looking for the kids I admired. Either way, I miss it. I miss it like hell.

I guess the fact of the matter is that as we grow up our families change. The faces change, the ages of those faces change, new members are brought in, and other members are lost. And maybe I'm wrong in thinking a piece or two were missing this year, maybe no pieces were missing, rather a new puzzle was built with the pieces we had.

I miss Ashley. I wish she hadn't been forced to leave for Florida so soon.

NP: Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence

So

So I'm home. Got here yesterday.

It only took about 30 minutes to get all my stuff out of my room and into the car. The rest of the eight hour journey crawled by.

I didn't have to say any goodbyes yesterday. My roommate had already gone home, not that I cared much to say bye to him anyway. In fact, all my goodbyes were done two or three days ago.

It was sad. Really, it was. I hate leaving people I care about. But when it's your time I guess you just have to accept it. I spent three and a half months in New York City. I can cross that off of my bucket list.

I made friends while I was there. If you've read before then you know that there are six of them. Here are their names...

Steve. Peter. Kaitlin. Julia. Caroline. Frances

Two of the six live in Connecticut, one lives in New Jersey, one in New York, one in New Hampshire, and one all the way out in Colorado.

Those are all a lot of miles from Pittsburgh. Luckily, you can stay close to anyone, anywhere if you really want to. You just have to put in the effort. In time we will see how close I remain to the friends I've made. I plan on going back up to Fordham, maybe as soon as Spring semester. I've also been promised some visits to Pittsburgh by a few of the six.

Finding a new rhythm at Pitt will take time, but then again all good things do.

Looking back it's funny because I got into Pitt immediately after applying and I counted it out. I thought Pitt was the school the eighth grade me wanted to go to. I thought I belonged somewhere prestigious, somewhere far away, somewhere that I had deemed "better".

I'm not sure if my view of it was ever clouded or if I have changed over time.

Not sure I'll ever be certain.

I'm certain that I got an A in philosophy and an A- in math though.

That means I learned at least a little bit in my first semester.

They say that's what you go to college for, but I'm not sure about that.

I'm out of words.....for right now at least.

Til we meet again.

NP: Don't You Worry Child- Swedish House Mafia

not sure what to say

Life is such a fragile, beautiful thing, yet there are people in this world who are willing to take a life like it is nothing. The shooting today in Newton, Connecticut is yet another reminder that this world is full of real life monsters. What happened today was terrible. Terrible doesn't even cover it. Horrific, maybe?

What about preventable?

I'm no expert on gun control and I sure as hell wasn't there when they thought up the 2nd Amendment, but I know for a fact that you can't give me a good reason why a US citizen needs an Ak-47. You will never sell me on that, ever. You just won't. Gun collector, I don't give a damn. I don't care if your grandfather created the damn thing. YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

I won't rant about gun control, but I do think something needs to be done. I'm all for hunting for sport. But when the wrong guns get into the hands of the wrong people, human beings become the game and that's not the way it's supposed to be.

What this shooting really made me think about wasn't gun control or what is wrong with people, rather it made me think about standing for something.

I think that there comes a certain time in a person's life where they have to commit to a cause.

I just want to commit to something before I lose someone. Naturally you would stand for a cause after losing someone to that cause (i.e. gun control because of a shooting or cancer research because of cancer).

I'm sure many of those kids' parents will become advocates of gun control after today's tragedy. There's nothing wrong with that. I'd just rather be proactive.

For now I'll say a prayer, to whoever it is I believe in. Saying a prayer isn't enough though. If I want change I have to act. I need a cause and need it soon.

You're here, you have this life, so why not stand for something?

There are twenty kids who won't get the chance to stand for something after what happened today.

So if for nothing else stand for those kids. They deserve it.

NP: Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

what it takes

I've been thinking a lot about college recently. (Odd because I'm in college right?) Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about where I've come from and where I'm going. I'm looking back on what I've done in my time here and what my plans are for the future.

I'm from Oakdale, Pennsylvania. A place you've never heard of unless you're from there. Right now I'm in the Bronx, New York. Where I'm from most people think of the Bronx as impoverished and crime ridden and in many senses they wouldn't be far off. I go to school with kids from all over the world...no literally there are kids from Colombia, Asia, Russia, and Ghana. The majority are from the northeast though. I'm including New York state in that classification. Connecticut, New Jersey, and New York seem to dominate a majority of the population. We have middle class, upper-middle, and wealthy. There are plenty of kids like me somewhere here, I just haven't found many. Most kids' schooling is different than mine as well. If it isn't a prep school it's a public high school that breeds Ivy League students. (That's where Kaitlin is from.) Steve and Peter are prep school guys.

I sometimes tell myself that I'm one of the few who "made it out". I can count about 10-15 kids in my graduating class who "made it out". West Allegheny doesn't send kids to Ivy schools, it just doesn't happen that way. Or not that often at least. We breed mostly state school and local private school students. Somehow I made it here. Call it had smarts if you must. It was probably just persistence and a drive from somewhere deep down.

What it took was me telling myself I could get out. It took the thought of escaping.

Now that I've escaped I can say that I made it. That's the thing though, sometimes you make it so far and you realize that where you actually belonged was the very place you tried escaping from.

I won't tell you I don't belong here. I do. Academics wise I can compete and as far as personalities go, well I think of myself as likable enough and I think the six friends I've made here would say the same.

Maybe that doesn't sound like much to you. "Six friends".

To me it's a lot more than six names and faces. It's six new people that walked into my life and added a new dynamic to it. Those six are six people with six very different stories. Six stories that have made them who they are and somehow landed them here at Fordham with me. I'm lucky to have found these people. Each of the six has something different to offer. Each of the six has flaws and each of the six has something to laugh about.

You see for the longest time I thought I couldn't make it here.

I realized that what it takes to make it in college is one thing. It takes friends.

I guess I always took my six best friends at home for granted. They were always just a phone call away.

I've made six new friends here. Not to replace the ones I have at home, but to add to. I have six new stories to tell and in 8 days when I leave I'll have six people to wonder about.

I'll have six new people to miss everyday.

I'll miss them and I'll wonder about them and I hope that they'll come visit me. Whether it's at Pitt or in Oakdale, PA. The place you'll never hear about until you're in it.

I grew up in Oakdale and moved to the Bronx.

If you've read this blog from the start then you have seen me grow.

That's all this really is.

A journal for me to grow in.

NP: If It Means A Lot To You- A Day To Remember

grinds my gears

Want to know what I am beyond annoyed with?

Healthy eating.

I am so tired of people telling me "that isn't organic" or "that isn't grown without pesticides". I don't give a shit if the chicken I'm eating is free range or slave range. I actually don't care if they chained the chicken up and made it pick cotton, that is how little I care. I get my fair share of fruits, vegetables, meats, and calcium. I take vitamin C pills and drink a lot of water. You could dissect what I eat and find things I'm missing, but frankly I don't give a a damn.

Please tell me that I'm not eating well.

For every 10 people who tell me it, 9 of the 10 aren't in as good of shape as me.

Want to race?

If I want a cupcake then I WANT A DAMN CUPCAKE.

I don't care if it doesn't have whole wheat flour and non-homogenized milk. I just don't care.

I eat and workout. I run. I don't consume alcohol or any other type of drug. So until everyone who says something to me about being healthy stops drinking, they can shut the hell up.

That is all.

NP: You Are Not A Robot- Hoodie Allen

be missed

It appears as though I'll be missed. See about a month ago I would have never thought that would be the case. I didn't realize the great friends I have made. I count six. Maybe that's just the six that I'll truly miss here. I sincerely hope we can keep in touch and remain friends.

I hope they know I'm not giving up on them. Like I didn't give up on here.

See I hated it, but I made a decision to leave. I haven't left yet, but I am leaving. In two weeks time I will be leaving for home. I won't be riding the Megabus back either. Not right away at least. I'll be back though.

My mom said that an opportunity like Fordham only comes along once. I guess we'll see about that. I don't see why I can't dominate at Pitt, get a job at home and have the company pay for me to get my MBA.

Opportunities are endless if we make them that way.

I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. Both old friends and new.

Finals week is stressing me out, but if you asked me how I'm doing I'd say that I'm doing. And that's all that matters.

One foot in front of the other, eyes forward, leaving prior decisions at the wayside. Too much ahead to look back.

I'll reminisce with the best of them and dream with the rest of them.

I've still got big dreams you know. I think we all do.

NP: My Oh My- Macklemore

the playing field

I'm sure by now most of my readers are tired of hearing about my views on drinking. Too bad. You're here so you might as well suck it up and read.

Today a different view of drinking came to mind. Obviously drinking affects everyone differently, but there is one thing everyone has in common when drinking.

That, my friends, is the change of playing field.

Some call it liquid courage. Some say that it just mellows them out. Whatever alcohol does to you it alters you, even if it is just in the slightest sense.

What scares me about alcohol a lot of times is when that change in paying field is for the worse. Sure, maybe it gives some people the confidence to do things they'd never do without it. (Kinda sad in my personal opinion.) In other cases it gives people not confidence, but a shift in power and comprehension. Alcohol can make people do stupid things they would never do sober. (Again, very sad.) The point I'm trying to make is that alcohol changes the game. For some it is for the better, but for others it is for the worse. Some people become playful, others become nasty, and others become just plain stupid .

From my own personal experiences I've seen them all. The happy drunk, the dumb drunk, the angry drunk, and the confident drunk. I'm becoming more accepting of alcohol. It'll be a while until I'm totally okay though.

I've seen a lot and lost a lot to it. But in some sense I'm sure I have gained more from it than I could ever lose.

I've learned a lot from it. A lot about family, friends, relationships, and life. You can take material things and even people away from me, but you can never take that knowledge.

I'll be okay with it in time, but for now you just have to take me as I am.

NP: Three Cheers For Five Years- Mayday Parade

hurt

I'm not sure why I thought it. Maybe it was from watching Brady Quinn talk about his Kansas City teammate who committed suicide or maybe it was something else. Brady Quinn said something along the lines of "we can let moments like this define us or we can have them redefine us." When we are hurt there are two reasons...strike that, not reasons, rather there are two things to come.

When we are hurt and fallen there are two things that can come of it.

1. We learn how to fix ourselves.
or
2. We find the people who will help fix us.

When we fall or when we are hurt we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn how hard we can fight, we learn what our breaking point is, and we learn how to rebuild.

Along the way we often find that we can't do it alone. Many times there are others who will have to watch us as we go. There to protect us and show us that we can be again. They show us that it isn't the fall that will define us, it's the climb back up.

I guess that falling teaches us about those around us as well. We find our best friends when we're down or hurt. They're the ones who tell us it'll be okay or they're the ones who tell us to suck it up and press on. Neither friend is wrong, they just have different methods.

Maybe this is just cliche, but don't let the fall define you. Let the fall spark change. Let the fall fuel a fire of continually trying to better yourself. 

Learn how to fix yourself. Or, learn how to let others fix you. 

"You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven." 

Maybe heaven is just right around the corner. 

NP: Otherside Remix- Macklemore (really on a Macklemore kick right now)

schooliosis

That really is a horrible pun but oh well. I'm not even sure if scoliosis causes pain or not, but right now school is very painful. These two papers (philosophy and history) are really bringing me down. I started off today in super-productive mode. I cranked out my 750 word essay for ground floor in about an hour and embarked on my 1500 word philosophy essay soon after. Then about 2 hours later I was only at 250 words. Now 6 hours after that I am at 350. I'm feeling burnt out. At least from papers that is. I'll get them all done, it just won't be pretty.

Other than these damn papers I've been in a pretty good place. I had a good day in the city yesterday and had a good night alone. I watched Chris Rock and Kevin Hart on Comedy Central and I was laughing and smiling for a solid two hours. Today I spent most of my early afternoon in the library and then I saw Julia in the cafe so I hung with her and attempted to write philosophy. I didn't do much of that, but the Steelers won so that's a bonus. I found out that I am easily distracted. Once something catches my eye I am intrigued. Must be my inner wallflower coming out. I love watching people and seeing how the interact and how they carry themselves. (It sounds creepy, but you should try it sometime.)

Anyway. Today is December 2nd.

Three months ago I started dating my best friend.

Tomorrow is Monday.

Another day. Another school week. It'll all be over soon.

Then a new setting. A new chapter. New friends. Old friends. Should be good.

When you get a chance listen to Same Love by Macklemore. This guy is amazing.

That's what I'm playing now.