So here's the deal...I'n going to blog about something other than my life. It's your choice whether you read it or not, and I'll warn you that there are some political views tied into this piece. That means if you're totally against hearing my views then you should close your browser now.
...
Still here? Okay then. I'll begin.
So earlier today I watched a video of a Jordanian pilot being burned alive by members of ISIS. The video is unsettling to say the least. I won't go into too much detail, but it shows the pilot in a cage being surrounded/covered in petrol before being burned alive. To put it simply the video showed just how barbaric human beings can act.
If you haven't been following the news for the past several months, this is just the most recent in a string of video-recorded executions by ISIS. I won't pretend to be some foreign policy expert or resident scholar of international conduct, but what ISIS is doing is beyond disgusting. Videotaping your executions and broadcasting them in an attempt to scare or humiliate the masses is a cowardly thing to do.
So how do we respond to these acts of violence and savagery? Send ground troops? Attack with drones? Sit back and wait? I surely don't know the answer, but I like to think that answer doesn't involve sitting around waiting for more innocent people to die. This world is chock-full of horrible ways for innocent people to die and being beheaded on video should not be one of them. Things like poverty and malnutrition kill thousands upon thousands every single day, so why is it that we (or maybe just I) get so upset when something like this comes into the spotlight? The obvious answer is that we're taught from an early age what is right and what is wrong, and those core values are shook when a video surfaces like the one that did today.
Maybe the reason we get so worked up over these acts of violence is because we don't have video of kids dying from malnutrition, or maybe it's because armies don't stop poverty. People old and young alike love to have something to bicker about. Like, "What should Obama do in reaction to ISIS?!" News stations thrive on controversy like that. And yet, we barely heard anything when Boko Haram wiped out an entire village in Nigeria? Why? A very visible (no video evidence but plenty of proof) crime that is horrific to read about or just think about received very little attention in the media.
I believe we don't hear about things of that nature because we don't have any economic interest in places like Nigeria. ISIS, on the other hand, is terrorizing the Middle East, an area of the world very few can actually describe geographically, yet a place where we as Americans feel an affinity towards because of things like The War in Iraq. I hate to think of lives in an economic sense, but what happened in Iraq and Afghanistan from 2001-whenever you believe we ended our ties there can be seen as a sunk cost. The resources have been spent. The lives, may they rest in peace, have been lost. And further involving ourselves there from this point on has to be viewed independently of what has already transpired.
The US's largest military crusades in Africa subsided 70 years ago when WWII ended. And since we haven't lost resources or lives there in so long, on the whole, we Americans do not care. Then again we have things like AIDs and clean drinking water and genocide to rally behind and support. But do Americans really care? I like to think, perhaps incorrectly, we do, but in my heart of hearts I believe that people's support of things like clean drinking water and AIDs can be seen as nothing more than fads. They're fun to talk about and support for a while, but after a while they fizzle out and lose their mass appeal. That's not to say there aren't people who who dedicate their lives to those causes because there are. And god bless them. Somebody has to. Everybody doesn't have to, but it would be nice if some did.
I think that each person has a predetermined, maximum amount of caring they can put forth. And each person's particular level is different. Some people care a hell of a lot more than others, and that is just how the world works. Some save it for personal matters while others use it for global problems they themselves have never experienced. I'm not here to say one is better than the other because honestly I don't always take interest or care about half the things I should.
All I know is that the world can be a dark, disturbing place, and you have to decide what and who you're going to care about. So whatever you choose, do it with your entire being. Don't half ass a bunch of things, whole ass one or two. If you're going to stand for something then stand for it until it's resolved. Hell we all remember how well the "Kony 2012" campaign went. Don't let things like that become the norm. Demand answers and solutions to the world's problems. Shine a light on the things people don't want to talk about. Make those around you uncomfortable with the realities of the world.
Avoid apathy at all costs.
Give a shit.
NP: Ain't No Sunshine- Bill Withers
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
year 3 part 2
I've got a lot to say and I'm not sure I'll get it all out right now. Not because I don't want to, but rather because I'm not sure how well I'll string it together. If you're here, great, bear with me because there's bound to be some nonsensical blabbering shoved in your face in the next five-hundred words or so. Just try to find what's worthwhile and take it with you.
So I am, and for the past two weeks have been, a second semester college junior. That means another full year has passed...(remember to date papers 2015 not 2014). 2014 was an eventful year of my life. I'd rank it right up there with 2012 as far as most productive/most defining years. In 2014 I solidified a great new friend group, maintained a high grade point average, helped pay for my schooling with a job, landed the internship I've wanted since freshman year, played a good amount of baseball with my favorite team, began living with a few of my best friends, met my girlfriend, spent too much time worrying about insignificant things, made plenty of (non-life changing) mistakes, and still ended up right where I was at the end of 2013...wondering where the hell this life I'm living is actually going.
Sure I've made some strides towards solidifying a future for myself. An internship is a great start. Even more than that my job with the football team is a push in the right direction as far as future debt goes. But even with all this good going on around me I feel like an owl, my head spinning 180 degrees, asking who? Who? Who? Who am I? And more than that, where am I going?
No matter how "together" your life seems, there is always an undeniable, unmeasurable amount of uncertainty present.
As I lay in bed listening to my roommates banter, looking up at the stick-on, glow in the dark stars scattered across my ceiling I can't help but feel small. Somehow my queen size bed consumes my entire being and for a moment I realize how minuscule I am in relation to the world at large. But in that moment I also realize how fortunate I am to have walked/stumbled/crawled my way into the current life I have.
I close my eyes and drown out the noise of the house with my own breathing. It reminds me that I have a lot of life left to give to this world and that there is an unbelievable amount out there for me to experience.
Not to jump around but back to the whole "where am I going idea."
I think I've figured out part of why so many people spend so much of their lives being miserable. Bear in mind this is just my view of the matter, and I'm in no way contesting that it's any more right than anyone else's view.
I think the reason we all worry so much about what we're doing and where we're going is because we feel like, to one degree or another, we have to do something remarkable with our lives. We're so consumed and overwhelmed with the idea of being something else, something that we aren't, that we ignore who we really are. We ignore the things that make us tick. Instead of doing what makes us happy we do what we think will be remembered by those around us.
That's not to say that greatness is something you should shy away from. For god's sake you'd have to be an idiot to ignore greatness. But what I'm saying is this: you don't have to cure polio, you don't have to write another of Beethoven's symphonies, and you don't have to the first person on the moon. Salk already cured polio, Beethoven is long gone, and Neil Armstrong already beat you. So sorry, but you can't do any of that. And even more than that, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THAT.
You don't have to cure cancer.
You don't have to hit 74 home runs in a season.
And you don't have to be whatever it is you think you have to be because someone told you that you can't be that thing.
Be what you want, and measure success however you see fit.
Instead of measuring success in how many years after your life you're talked about, why not measure it in how fondly people remember you? You know, like curing cancer would be one hell of a rush, wouldn't it? But would it really be any better than seeing a smiling face of hundreds of little kids you help as a pediatrician? Maybe for you it would be. For me, it wouldn't. (Not saying cancer is good. That would be idiotic. Just trying to make the point that monumental discoveries don't define a person.)
See success isn't measured in dollars or in notoriety. I promise you that. Just look up the definition. Success is defined as "the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals."
So don't get caught up being what someone else wants you to be. Or what someone told you that you can't be. Be who you want to be. And be the best damn you that you can. Our time on this spinning sphere is too dmm short to be anything else.
Do what you love. And do it as often as you can.
Be an artist or a songwriter. Be an architect or a teacher.
But before you worry about being anything else, be happy.
This has gone on long enough. Hopefully I'll see you all again soon.
NP: Chocolate- The 1975
So I am, and for the past two weeks have been, a second semester college junior. That means another full year has passed...(remember to date papers 2015 not 2014). 2014 was an eventful year of my life. I'd rank it right up there with 2012 as far as most productive/most defining years. In 2014 I solidified a great new friend group, maintained a high grade point average, helped pay for my schooling with a job, landed the internship I've wanted since freshman year, played a good amount of baseball with my favorite team, began living with a few of my best friends, met my girlfriend, spent too much time worrying about insignificant things, made plenty of (non-life changing) mistakes, and still ended up right where I was at the end of 2013...wondering where the hell this life I'm living is actually going.
Sure I've made some strides towards solidifying a future for myself. An internship is a great start. Even more than that my job with the football team is a push in the right direction as far as future debt goes. But even with all this good going on around me I feel like an owl, my head spinning 180 degrees, asking who? Who? Who? Who am I? And more than that, where am I going?
No matter how "together" your life seems, there is always an undeniable, unmeasurable amount of uncertainty present.
As I lay in bed listening to my roommates banter, looking up at the stick-on, glow in the dark stars scattered across my ceiling I can't help but feel small. Somehow my queen size bed consumes my entire being and for a moment I realize how minuscule I am in relation to the world at large. But in that moment I also realize how fortunate I am to have walked/stumbled/crawled my way into the current life I have.
I close my eyes and drown out the noise of the house with my own breathing. It reminds me that I have a lot of life left to give to this world and that there is an unbelievable amount out there for me to experience.
Not to jump around but back to the whole "where am I going idea."
I think I've figured out part of why so many people spend so much of their lives being miserable. Bear in mind this is just my view of the matter, and I'm in no way contesting that it's any more right than anyone else's view.
I think the reason we all worry so much about what we're doing and where we're going is because we feel like, to one degree or another, we have to do something remarkable with our lives. We're so consumed and overwhelmed with the idea of being something else, something that we aren't, that we ignore who we really are. We ignore the things that make us tick. Instead of doing what makes us happy we do what we think will be remembered by those around us.
That's not to say that greatness is something you should shy away from. For god's sake you'd have to be an idiot to ignore greatness. But what I'm saying is this: you don't have to cure polio, you don't have to write another of Beethoven's symphonies, and you don't have to the first person on the moon. Salk already cured polio, Beethoven is long gone, and Neil Armstrong already beat you. So sorry, but you can't do any of that. And even more than that, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THAT.
You don't have to cure cancer.
You don't have to hit 74 home runs in a season.
And you don't have to be whatever it is you think you have to be because someone told you that you can't be that thing.
Be what you want, and measure success however you see fit.
Instead of measuring success in how many years after your life you're talked about, why not measure it in how fondly people remember you? You know, like curing cancer would be one hell of a rush, wouldn't it? But would it really be any better than seeing a smiling face of hundreds of little kids you help as a pediatrician? Maybe for you it would be. For me, it wouldn't. (Not saying cancer is good. That would be idiotic. Just trying to make the point that monumental discoveries don't define a person.)
See success isn't measured in dollars or in notoriety. I promise you that. Just look up the definition. Success is defined as "the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals."
So don't get caught up being what someone else wants you to be. Or what someone told you that you can't be. Be who you want to be. And be the best damn you that you can. Our time on this spinning sphere is too dmm short to be anything else.
Do what you love. And do it as often as you can.
Be an artist or a songwriter. Be an architect or a teacher.
But before you worry about being anything else, be happy.
This has gone on long enough. Hopefully I'll see you all again soon.
NP: Chocolate- The 1975
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Home Alone
Welp. It's officially Thanksgiving.
That means it's time for everyone to post on Facebook and Twitter exactly who and what they're thankful for. Most are thankful for their family, friends, and loved ones alike. Some are thankful for things like their education, their rights as an American, or for their recent good luck. The one thing we should all be thankful for that often gets overlooked is our health. I'm lucky to be a healthy 20 year old kid. I realize there are some kids who will never get to experience life the way I have, and as cliche as it sounds, I really am thankful for it.
I didn't write this post to blather about thanks, though.
I wrote it because as I lay on the couch in my apartment at school I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed in a negative "behind in school" way, but rather I feel overwhelmed by how fast my life is moving.
So often I say how ready I am to graduate and move on, but laying on this couch without any of my friends home I realize that's a bold faced lie. I take it for granted that one of my best friends since 6th grade sleeps in the room right next to me. I take it for granted that another of my best friends lives right upstairs. And I take it for granted that I get to see the best friends I made at college every day in class. I'm so caught up in hating classes that I forget to love all the good stuff.
Next April my friends and I will graduate from college. The scariest part about that is not knowing where we'll all be after graduation. Some will head for grad school wherever they can get accepted and others are going to take jobs. We don't know where those schools or jobs will be or when we'll see each other next. One of the last memories we'll have where we're all together is our graduation.
I imagine getting your diploma handed to you is one of the more bittersweet feelings. It's proof to the world and yourself that you succeeded and made it through "the best four years of your life," but it's also a stark reminder that life does go on. It's a piece of paper that's meant to commend you for your good work while simultaneously telling you to go get a job.
I don't think I'll ever fully be ready for my friends and I going our separate ways. And while I might not ever be ready for it, I am already very aware that it has to happen.
It has to happen because if we all mulled around here for our whole lives we'd probably stagnate. I don't want that. I want my friends to go out and make a name for themselves. I want to visit them, i want to call them and reminisce, and I want to meet their families when they have them. And I can only hope they want the same for me.
This was all over the place. Just like the good old days.
Til next time, everybody. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be sure to overeat.
NP: Youth- Daughter
That means it's time for everyone to post on Facebook and Twitter exactly who and what they're thankful for. Most are thankful for their family, friends, and loved ones alike. Some are thankful for things like their education, their rights as an American, or for their recent good luck. The one thing we should all be thankful for that often gets overlooked is our health. I'm lucky to be a healthy 20 year old kid. I realize there are some kids who will never get to experience life the way I have, and as cliche as it sounds, I really am thankful for it.
I didn't write this post to blather about thanks, though.
I wrote it because as I lay on the couch in my apartment at school I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed in a negative "behind in school" way, but rather I feel overwhelmed by how fast my life is moving.
So often I say how ready I am to graduate and move on, but laying on this couch without any of my friends home I realize that's a bold faced lie. I take it for granted that one of my best friends since 6th grade sleeps in the room right next to me. I take it for granted that another of my best friends lives right upstairs. And I take it for granted that I get to see the best friends I made at college every day in class. I'm so caught up in hating classes that I forget to love all the good stuff.
Next April my friends and I will graduate from college. The scariest part about that is not knowing where we'll all be after graduation. Some will head for grad school wherever they can get accepted and others are going to take jobs. We don't know where those schools or jobs will be or when we'll see each other next. One of the last memories we'll have where we're all together is our graduation.
I imagine getting your diploma handed to you is one of the more bittersweet feelings. It's proof to the world and yourself that you succeeded and made it through "the best four years of your life," but it's also a stark reminder that life does go on. It's a piece of paper that's meant to commend you for your good work while simultaneously telling you to go get a job.
I don't think I'll ever fully be ready for my friends and I going our separate ways. And while I might not ever be ready for it, I am already very aware that it has to happen.
It has to happen because if we all mulled around here for our whole lives we'd probably stagnate. I don't want that. I want my friends to go out and make a name for themselves. I want to visit them, i want to call them and reminisce, and I want to meet their families when they have them. And I can only hope they want the same for me.
This was all over the place. Just like the good old days.
Til next time, everybody. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be sure to overeat.
NP: Youth- Daughter
Monday, November 10, 2014
In Class
I'm sitting in my Investment Management class right now. I should probably be listening to what my professor is saying, but I think I'll just teach myself this stuff later on. This is a part of me trying to "live in the moment."
After last week finished up I really realized how much I'm stressing about unimportant things. I let myself get sick and worried about one single test grade. How stupid is that? Yeah, tests are important to a degree, but ten years from now I'm not going to remember these grades. And if I keep up this constant worrying and stressing I won't have anything else to remember about college.
These four years are supposed to be, and for the most part have been, the best four years of my life. While I wasn't always happy at Fordham, I never worried about grades like I have this semester. This semester I've let grades control my life and let the important things get away from me.
Thankfully I had this weekend to put things back in perspective. A double date on Friday night with Ally, Pap, and Joyce was a good place to start. Pap and Joyce have an unsurpassed ability to relax me. I could sit at dinner with them for hours and just listen to the stories from their travels. The stories might repeat, but each time they're told they come with the same excitement as the original did. Nights like the one I had Friday are the ones I'll miss most when I've grown up.
Saturday was another successful, lazy day. I went home for a few hours to hang out with my family, and the dysfunction was the same as when I left. A dinner at Ya-Fei is damn near impossible to pass up...especially if mom is paying.
I guess the common denominator this weekend was family. Family is, has been, and always will be one of the biggest contributors to my overall happiness.
As this semester winds down I find myself trying to make up for lost time. And even though it's impossible to get time back, I can move forward focusing on the really important things like friends and family.
Jared, Dave, and I all watched Game of Thrones for a few hours last night and I was reminded again how much I love my best friends. I've known those two guys since I was a little kid and we still find new things to make us laugh every single day. I'm lucky to have friends like them. I guess you could call them lifers because they'll be my friends for life. I've been very fortunate to know such hardworking, humorous, caring guys, and I can't wait until we get to graduate from the same university and set forth on our own individual journeys. I know they'll be successful in whatever they decide to do, wherever they end up.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. We still have a year and a half left in 339 Oakland Avenue to make some unforgettable memories and at the very least watch some Game of Thrones.
Hopefully this post was a nice little follow up to the last. I hope everyone reading this is in good health and good spirits.
NP: Starry Eyed- Ellie (at Semetti's request)
After last week finished up I really realized how much I'm stressing about unimportant things. I let myself get sick and worried about one single test grade. How stupid is that? Yeah, tests are important to a degree, but ten years from now I'm not going to remember these grades. And if I keep up this constant worrying and stressing I won't have anything else to remember about college.
These four years are supposed to be, and for the most part have been, the best four years of my life. While I wasn't always happy at Fordham, I never worried about grades like I have this semester. This semester I've let grades control my life and let the important things get away from me.
Thankfully I had this weekend to put things back in perspective. A double date on Friday night with Ally, Pap, and Joyce was a good place to start. Pap and Joyce have an unsurpassed ability to relax me. I could sit at dinner with them for hours and just listen to the stories from their travels. The stories might repeat, but each time they're told they come with the same excitement as the original did. Nights like the one I had Friday are the ones I'll miss most when I've grown up.
Saturday was another successful, lazy day. I went home for a few hours to hang out with my family, and the dysfunction was the same as when I left. A dinner at Ya-Fei is damn near impossible to pass up...especially if mom is paying.
I guess the common denominator this weekend was family. Family is, has been, and always will be one of the biggest contributors to my overall happiness.
As this semester winds down I find myself trying to make up for lost time. And even though it's impossible to get time back, I can move forward focusing on the really important things like friends and family.
Jared, Dave, and I all watched Game of Thrones for a few hours last night and I was reminded again how much I love my best friends. I've known those two guys since I was a little kid and we still find new things to make us laugh every single day. I'm lucky to have friends like them. I guess you could call them lifers because they'll be my friends for life. I've been very fortunate to know such hardworking, humorous, caring guys, and I can't wait until we get to graduate from the same university and set forth on our own individual journeys. I know they'll be successful in whatever they decide to do, wherever they end up.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. We still have a year and a half left in 339 Oakland Avenue to make some unforgettable memories and at the very least watch some Game of Thrones.
Hopefully this post was a nice little follow up to the last. I hope everyone reading this is in good health and good spirits.
NP: Starry Eyed- Ellie (at Semetti's request)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Return
When I started this blog I was a senior in high school. I created it for a creative writing class and originally had to post on it for grades. Before long the blog had become a part of my identity. I posted a blog almost every single day of my senior year, and most days there would be 200-300 people logging on to read what I had to say. Blogs back then were mostly the thoughts and ramblings of a self proclaimed "hopeless romantic." Things have changed a lot since then. I like to think the blog posts are less "hopeless" and more realistic, even though posts in general are more scarce.
Since I started my blog the longest I've ever gone without posting a blog is a month. This will be my first blog post in over two months and I'm having a tough time coming to terms with why that is. I've started about 10 blog posts in the last two months and each one ended up the same way...deleted. Maybe it's because I feel like everything I have to say has already been said, or because I feel like the topics are lackluster, or maybe it's because I'm not sure anyone really cares to read what I have to say anymore. (Or maybe it's because my high school self believed himself to be more poetic than I feel I am now.)
Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.
I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.
College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)
In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.
College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.
College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.
Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.
It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."
Til next time.
NP: Riptide - Vance Joy
Honestly, I think it's that last part more than any of the others. I no longer feel like I have words to charm readers with. I no longer get a true sense of satisfaction from seeing how many readers I have. Instead I'm constantly bothered with and worried about homework assignments, tests, and meetings. Maybe that's just a part of growing up or maybe it's something more. Maybe it's this: slowly but surely, college is attempting to kill my creative spirit.
I believe that when you start college you feel two emotions more intensely than you ever have before. What are those emotions you might ask? For me it was fear and excitement. I was afraid of not being able to handle it, but excited for all the new experiences waiting for me. As college has progressed I find less and less excitement in my days. I'm constantly looking forward to all the wrong things. Things like the end of the semester, or at the very least, the day after a big exam. I'm wishing away days and weeks at a time and I don't like it at all. I find myself living for something uncertain, something not promised to me - the future. Why do we so desperately wish for something that might not ever come? We spend our younger years looking forward to high school, then we can't wait for college, at some point we're excited for that to end, and then what? Do we look forward to retiring? I imagine that 50 year old me would kick my current ass if I told him I was ready to have a job. But truth be told that's how I feel. I'm tired of college wearing me down, and I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to show for it except some half-assed email, from someone who does't really give a damn, informing me that I made the Dean's List. Big freaking deal. I'd rather have somebody tell me face to face that what I'm doing matters. I'm just afraid nobody can honestly tell me that.
College has also made me generally pessimistic about certain things. Like exams. I don't understand why the college culture doesn't teach kids how to succeed, instead it teaches kids how to be better than those around them. You don't have to earn an A on a test to get an A, all you have to do is beat the curve. And in many a class "beating the curve" means scoring a 60%. Why can't professors teach so that the average is a 75%? I just don't get it. These professors are teaching us that scoring well is overrated because our work will just be curved up. (And I don't think the real world works that way.)
In other areas of life, college has opened my eyes. Like two days ago when I was studying in the library with my friends and felt the overwhelming urge to ask an older man who looked lonely if he wanted to join us. He must've been in his 40s and he just looked generally lost. I don't know why I felt responsibility for him. Maybe it's because I know that I have days where I feel totally lost and out of place, or maybe it's because he just looked like he wanted somewhere to belong for the time being.
College does a lot for people's morals. I think college is a time where people can really solidify a good set of morals or a time where their morals (or perceived morals) deteriorate in a booze soaked, blackout frenzy. I like to think I belong in the former, but who knows? Maybe I'm not as morally sound as I think. Or maybe morals are subjective and based on perspective and the only one capable of assessing someone's morals is that person. Who knows? I obviously don't.
College hasn't totally changed me, though. I'm still very much the same kid I was three years ago. A lot of time has passed and faces have come and gone, but deep down I know I'm still the same questioning little shit I was back in the day. Honestly, I'll probably always be that way.
Now I don't want you all to think I'm depressed or sad or anything like that because I'm not. I might be a little whiny but that's all. I know there are kids who would kill to be in my shoes, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been afforded. I just have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things are handled. I have even more questions about where this life of mine is headed, but I'll spare you that. Why throw answerless questions to the wind? They might be heard and contemplated by more people, but the only one who can answer them is me.
It's like William Ernest Henley said in his poem "Invictus"
"I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul."
Til next time.
NP: Riptide - Vance Joy
Sunday, August 24, 2014
a little girl
So this is the story of a young lady I've had the absolute pleasure of getting to know this summer...
Five foot something tall and a teenager in years maybe, but she's still a little girl by most measures. Her actions don't always fit her age. She struggles with grammar sometimes, confusng tenses & misspelling words, and the daily norm of tying her shoes comes as quite a struggle. Her outfits don't always match; clad in hand me downs from the older sister she strives so much to be like. She doesn't care, though.
Sure, she's a little rough around the edges. She might be too loud in public, and her sense of personal space is much closer than most people are used to. She acts out when she's mad and laughs like a hyena when she's entertained. She pays it no mind; however, and maybe in her case ignorance is the most protective, wonderful bliss.
But other people notice.
They stop and stare, wondering why she is the way she is. Yet very few care to know the actual answers. See people don't actually care why you're different, they just care that you're different. But maybe they'd hold back their condescending glares and instant judgements if they knew her story.
See what you don't know is that at fourteen years old she's faced death and hospital beds more times than you and I likely ever will. She's been so close to death that the life with which she lives is truly beautiful. And she doesn't even bat an eye the past despite the nightly pills that help to keep her safe.
And perhaps the part that is most often overlooked is this: She's not asking for your sympathy. She doesn't want empty apologies for the things that happened to her that not even God could control. She's not asking for preferential treatment either, she just wants you to give her a chance. She wants you to treat her like a normal, teenage girl.
And I'll be damned if she doesn't deserve it.
Because despite all her differences and perceived imperfections the truth of the matter is that she's another blonde, teenage girl. She loves her family and friends, she chases boys, and she likes to wear makeup. Her favorite color is pink, she looks up to her older sister, and she fights with her brother. She says things she doesn't mean to her parents, and she curses boys for being stupid. She handles middle school the same way we all handled those awful, godforsaken years.
She's in your face and not always socially adept, but she's hysterical if you really listen to her talk for a while. She can get on your nerves with her persistence and stubbornness, but maybe that's something we should admire not condemn. She's misunderstood but easily relatable to. And she's loud. (There's no two ways about that one.)
That's who she is, though. Take her or leave her.
I know that I'm going to do whatever I can to show her I care about her. She deserves that much.
NP: Meet Virginia- Train
Five foot something tall and a teenager in years maybe, but she's still a little girl by most measures. Her actions don't always fit her age. She struggles with grammar sometimes, confusng tenses & misspelling words, and the daily norm of tying her shoes comes as quite a struggle. Her outfits don't always match; clad in hand me downs from the older sister she strives so much to be like. She doesn't care, though.
Sure, she's a little rough around the edges. She might be too loud in public, and her sense of personal space is much closer than most people are used to. She acts out when she's mad and laughs like a hyena when she's entertained. She pays it no mind; however, and maybe in her case ignorance is the most protective, wonderful bliss.
But other people notice.
They stop and stare, wondering why she is the way she is. Yet very few care to know the actual answers. See people don't actually care why you're different, they just care that you're different. But maybe they'd hold back their condescending glares and instant judgements if they knew her story.
See what you don't know is that at fourteen years old she's faced death and hospital beds more times than you and I likely ever will. She's been so close to death that the life with which she lives is truly beautiful. And she doesn't even bat an eye the past despite the nightly pills that help to keep her safe.
And perhaps the part that is most often overlooked is this: She's not asking for your sympathy. She doesn't want empty apologies for the things that happened to her that not even God could control. She's not asking for preferential treatment either, she just wants you to give her a chance. She wants you to treat her like a normal, teenage girl.
And I'll be damned if she doesn't deserve it.
Because despite all her differences and perceived imperfections the truth of the matter is that she's another blonde, teenage girl. She loves her family and friends, she chases boys, and she likes to wear makeup. Her favorite color is pink, she looks up to her older sister, and she fights with her brother. She says things she doesn't mean to her parents, and she curses boys for being stupid. She handles middle school the same way we all handled those awful, godforsaken years.
She's in your face and not always socially adept, but she's hysterical if you really listen to her talk for a while. She can get on your nerves with her persistence and stubbornness, but maybe that's something we should admire not condemn. She's misunderstood but easily relatable to. And she's loud. (There's no two ways about that one.)
That's who she is, though. Take her or leave her.
I know that I'm going to do whatever I can to show her I care about her. She deserves that much.
NP: Meet Virginia- Train
Monday, July 21, 2014
boy and girl
It was mostly whispers in the wind, and a few brief encounters followed by time apart. And maybe that distance was making the heart grow fonder, or maybe it was something more than that. Could it be, perhaps, that two people simply found each other at the right time? But then again who's to say when timing is right or when it's wrong? We could have always met someone sooner. But sooner doesn't necessarily imply better, does it? To have met under different circumstances could mean the whole thing tumbling down. It's all well and good to wish for more time, but there's a chance more time would have been your undoing. Maybe last year's her wasn't ready for last year's him. Or maybe he wasn't what she needed at that time. Different people at different points in their lives. It's tough to say with any sort of certainty how two people will mesh when they meet. Still, the heart cannot help but ask its "what ifs?"
She looked him in the eyes & told him of past woes and love gone awry. "I wish I met you before anyone else," she said with a hint of regret and despair in her voice. And he frowned an understanding frown and replied calmly, "What's come and gone can't be undone, and it doesn't matter where you've been so long as you get where you're going. You see it's not about who you go through to get there, it's about who you end up with." He talked confidently and sincerely, his voice never much above a whisper, and she believed every word he spoke. She'd believe anything he told her; not because she needed something to believe in, but because he was worth believing in.
She looked him in the eyes & told him of past woes and love gone awry. "I wish I met you before anyone else," she said with a hint of regret and despair in her voice. And he frowned an understanding frown and replied calmly, "What's come and gone can't be undone, and it doesn't matter where you've been so long as you get where you're going. You see it's not about who you go through to get there, it's about who you end up with." He talked confidently and sincerely, his voice never much above a whisper, and she believed every word he spoke. She'd believe anything he told her; not because she needed something to believe in, but because he was worth believing in.
See, when she looked at him she saw the raw emotion. It was sculpted in his face and interwoven in his speech. She also saw a boy (or maybe young man) who truly cared about her and those she cared for, and she knew deep down that he'd do anything for her. He had told her so, but she knew well before that. Just like she knew every morning when she woke up he'd be there, smiling at her like she'd done him some big favor.
He told her it was okay to take him for granted. He always hated when people said the opposite. It was as if love was supposed to be used as a threat. Like, "Don't take me for granted or else..." And to that he posed the question, "Or else what?" Love, to him, was about giving and taking and the possibility of reciprocation. However, he never thought of love as a "one for one" type deal. If he did something for her, be it big or small, he didn't expect immediate compensation or any compensation for that matter. See, two people's love tends to balance out. It has a way of leveling the playing field & making sure both people get what they need when they need it most.
He told her it was okay to take him for granted. He always hated when people said the opposite. It was as if love was supposed to be used as a threat. Like, "Don't take me for granted or else..." And to that he posed the question, "Or else what?" Love, to him, was about giving and taking and the possibility of reciprocation. However, he never thought of love as a "one for one" type deal. If he did something for her, be it big or small, he didn't expect immediate compensation or any compensation for that matter. See, two people's love tends to balance out. It has a way of leveling the playing field & making sure both people get what they need when they need it most.
And what she didn't quite get, not yet at least, was that all he wanted and needed was the same reassurance the sun gave the day. You know, the day ends and the sun sets, but there's an unspoken agreement, a universal truth of sorts, that says the sun will be back tomorrow. It never once gives up on the day or forgets about it. In fact, the sun gives the day its meaning, and to him, she brought his life a worthwhile explanation of why he was doing what he was doing.
And anytime that she looked at him chances are that he was already looking at her. He did so every chance he got because to him, her eyes were a mirror that showed him a better version of himself. They showed him a future he could bear. They were understanding eyes that had watched too many forgettable people come and go. And even when her glassy, green, truth telling eyes weren't open she was still something stunning to be seen. (That's why he decided not to deny himself the guilty pleasure of staring from time to time.)
I guess you could say that when he looked at her, next to him, he began to believe, for the first time in his life, that maybe everything does happen for a reason.
I don't know where these thoughts and little stories come from. They're a mish-mash of thoughts from here and actual conversation there. To a certain degree they're all a part of me. The people in them are meant to represent real people, but could be anyone you want them to be. It could be you, it could be me, it could be my mom and dad. The choice is yours really. I guess sometimes I get tired of just giving my opinion of "love" or "dating" or "people" and I throw together these little bits. Hopefully it didn't bore you too much.
Til next time.
(And seriously, if you don't get anything else out of this blog, at least listen to the NP. Incredible song.)
NP: All I Want- Kodaline
I guess you could say that when he looked at her, next to him, he began to believe, for the first time in his life, that maybe everything does happen for a reason.
I don't know where these thoughts and little stories come from. They're a mish-mash of thoughts from here and actual conversation there. To a certain degree they're all a part of me. The people in them are meant to represent real people, but could be anyone you want them to be. It could be you, it could be me, it could be my mom and dad. The choice is yours really. I guess sometimes I get tired of just giving my opinion of "love" or "dating" or "people" and I throw together these little bits. Hopefully it didn't bore you too much.
Til next time.
(And seriously, if you don't get anything else out of this blog, at least listen to the NP. Incredible song.)
NP: All I Want- Kodaline
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