mum

Whether you refer to her as mom, mommy, momma, mum, mumsy, mammy, or any other variation of 'mother' she is the one who brought you into this world. Once a year we celebrate the special ladies in our life who we couldn't be here without...literally.

I like to think that not a single day goes by that I take my mom for granted but surely there are. However, I never forget to tell her that I love her at least once a day.

Truth be told somewhere between the time I turned 13 and the time I turned 19 my mom went from being the woman I kept all my secrets from to the lady I trust with everything going on in my life. I tell my mom almost everything and I'm completely comfortable with it that way. She's comfortable listening and comfortable telling me exactly how she feels about what I've told her.

Mother's Day makes me miss my Nan a lot. I know that it's even more present in the mind's of my mom and her brothers and sister. I miss Nan a ton but I'll see my grandmother today. Joyce wasn't the woman who gave birth to my mom, but just because she isn't blood doesn't mean she doesn't count. Joyce is my grandmother, Nan is my grandmother, and Grammy is my grandmother. I'm just fortunate enough to have a third grandma I guess.

So if you're reading this today, stop. Close your laptop, shut down your computer, or put away your phone. Go give your mom a hug and a kiss and tell her you love her. If you can't see your mom today give her a call. If you can't see or call your mom then set aside some quiet time and think about her.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

Especially to mine. Thanks for everything you've taught me and showed me, mom. I'm more thankful than you could possibly know.

NP: Dear Mama- Tupac

dark knight thoughts

Hopefully everyone reading this has seen The Dark Knight, but if you haven't I'll supply you with the basis for this blog. At one point in the movie Harvey Dent says to Bruce Wayne, "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." In the movie Harvey Dent becomes that villain, but I think the idea applies to life in general.

It isn't true in all cases because plenty of times heroes live long lives and die the hero that they had always been.

However, in select cases what Mr. Dent said is true.

Like the case of fighting for what you believe is right. You fight endlessly for what you want and think is right, but sometimes somewhere along the way your fight for "right" is snagged. Your idea and the fight for that idea aren't flawed in their course or nature, but flawed because those around you aren't aware of what's taking place. You don't mean to harm anyone but sometimes you do. You don't mean for people to be pushed away but sometimes they are.

Without realizing it you've become a villain to the very same people you wanted to protect. It's not something you meant to do, but it's something that happened. And given the chance to go back and change what you did you wouldn't.

Not because your ego is in the way but because you know that the fight you had mapped out deep down in your heart was the right fight.

In a sense you're okay with watching yourself become the villain.

Because you know that the villain everyone else sees is just a hero who couldn't save them all.

Not because he didn't try, but because they didn't want or need to be saved.

Heroes learn the hard way that everyone can't be saved. Whether it's not saving someone who needed to be saved or trying to save someone who doesn't.

Don't feel sorry for the heroes that become villains because they wouldn't want you to. They know that it takes far greater a man to fight past the point he is needed than to give up when he thinks is right.

He also knows that strength isn't always recognized accordingly because oftentimes our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.

I guess the point of this whole thing is that whether you die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain the important matter is that you have that little bit of hero inside you. You won't be everyone's hero and quite simply you don't need to be. Find those worth fighting for and don't quit until you're successful. People will tell you that you're doing it wrong, but by standing by they're more of a villain than you'll ever be.

Do what you think is right and in some way or another you'll be a hero. Just realize you might not be recognized for it.

And always remember that villains aren't those who care too much, villains are those who don't care enough.

NP: So Appalled- Kanye and a whole gang of people

on point

I was thinking a lot today about what people think about other people. So many people pretend they don't care what anyone thinks about them, but very few mean that. Almost everybody cares what someone's impression of them is. It's human nature to care about your reputation and the name you bear. I guess where some people go wrong (in my opinion) is with who they worry about. In my eyes what it comes down to is what those closest to you think about you. If your best friends were asked their honest opinions of you what response would they give? If it's a positive answer then you're doing it right. If it isn't, that doesn't mean they aren't your best friends, it means they see a potential flaw or trait they aren't fond of. Your best friends will be the most likely to give an accurate and truthful answer, even more so than parents because they aren't biased by the whole "I raised them and therefore they must be perfect" complex. I'm not saying a person should change who they are to meet the demands of their friends, but what I am saying is that if you're going to worry about someone's opinion of you, worry about your friend's opinion first. Oftentimes people get caught up worrying about what people with a better status think. Don't aim to impress people that others are impressed with, aim to impress your friends. Impress them to the highest degree and then maybe, just maybe, you can begin worrying about others.

I think that the moment I'm the most narcissistic is the moment I leave a group. I'm talking about anytime you're caught up in a group conversation or are just hanging out with friends. The moment you stand up and leave is when you're the most vulnerable. The second the door swings shut the first thing that pops into my mind is "I wonder". What I'm wondering is if after I've left the group has any say on me leaving or on me in general. Things like, "Man I wish Tom could've stayed longer," or, "you know,  Tom is a good guy." Do those types of things ever leave their mouths or enter their minds? I know that's slightly narcissistic of me, but it's the honest to god truth of what I think. Every time I leave I hope that the people I left behind have only positive things to say. That probably isn't the case in every situation which is fine because I'm flawed. Everybody won't like me and everybody doesn't have to like me.

I just hope the people close to me have good things to say about me about my funeral. I don't want it to be any more sad than it has to be.

Be sincere to those closest to you. Being anything else just isn't being.

NP: The Gambler- Fun.

Freshman Year

“Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”  
-Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland 

So it is finally over. I am 1/4 of the way done with my college career. Looking back I can say it definitely had some ups, downs, ins and outs, and at the end of it all I would say it ended just the way it should. 

I started my freshman year at Fordham University late in August of 2012. I finished freshman year at the University of Pittsburgh on April 24th of 2013. 

Looking back I don't regret a single thing I did between the start of my freshman year and the end of it. All of those pieces add up to put me where I'm at right now. Since I could not be happier with where my life is I see no reason to regret anything that happened. 

Fordham.

When I started at Fordham I felt out of place. The kids I kept meeting where from family's where both parents were lawyers or doctors. They came from posh New England towns and had houses in multiple places. They seemed to be everything my family wasn't. 

Almost every morning I would wake up and feel sick to my stomach. I would drag myself to breakfast and scarf down some food before I went about the rest of my day. I had an 8:30 A.M. class every single day of my first semester. (Talk about a blessing in disguise.) If it wasn't for those 8:30 A.M. classes I might have never have met one of my best friends. I don't know how it started but one day I began sitting with Julia at breakfast. Through her I met Frances. Those two are thick as thieves and are two of the most awesome, genuine girls I have ever met. Getting breakfast soon became something to look forward to as opposed to something to rush through.

First semester I thought that Ground Floor was going to be the death of me. I thought the work was tedious and the class as a whole to be a bit overwhelming. I believe it was the second day of Ground Floor when I was introduced to my group mates. We were sorted into groups based on a lot of factors. I was the first person in the group because I was from the farthest away. Next was a girl and I think it might have been Caroline or Kaitlin. Then we needed a commuter and got Amar. Somehow it ended up being Amar, Kaitlin, Rachel, Caroline, and myself. I looked at this motley crew and saw four strangers. As the year went on we became closer. Hours spent in the library on our business plan truly made us one. We complemented each other and knew each other's strengths and weaknesses. Many a time Kaitlin and I would sit in the library after everyone left and talk about life. Thanks to Ground Floor I met two of my other best friends, Kaitlin and Caroline. 

Kaitlin had a very positive experience with her roommate, much the opposite of my first roommate and myself. After Ground Floor one day I went to the caf with Kaitlin and Caroline where we met Kaitlin's roommate Lily and her other friend Emily. I can't quite explain Emily and Lily to you but they're a totally different breed. Emily especially. She has these idiosyncrasies that bring me to tears. Lily is another genuinely good person.

Between Julia, Frances, Kaitlin, Caroline, Lily, and Emily I made six great girl friends at Fordham.

One of my best guy friends at Fordham was introduced to me by a kid I met at orientation. His name is Peter. He is about an inch or two shorter than me and is a stereotypical looking Italian kid. Dark skin, dark hair, and some sort of Long Island accent (even though he's from Connecticut). Peter comes from a lot of money and is a very proud person. I've met both his parents and they seem like the type of people who would do anything for you if you needed it. I can't even explain to you the number of hours I spend in Peter's room my first semester. We watched a fair share of movies together and did a fair share of math homework too. (Movies came first though.)

The kid I met at orientation who introduced me to Peter isn't some no name. His name is Steve. He, like Peter and Emily, is from Connecticut. Steve was in my orientation group and we got to know each other through different group meetings and such. Basically we were the only two normal guys in our group so naturally we gravitated towards each other. The one thing I will always remember from Fordham was the last night of orientation when the incoming freshman had a candlelight vigil in front of Keating on Eddies. Whoever was doing the speaking said to look all around and remember those faces we saw, the faces of our classmates for the next four years. I looked around and when I think about it the only face I remember is Steve's. We lit each other's candles and it was a pretty cool moment. Steve really gets me because I think we're pretty similar. I remember the first time we ate together at the caf the first thing out of his mouth was about his girlfriend Rachael. He couldn't stop talking about her. Rachael is another friend I am thankful for. Her and Steve are great together. The fight like a married couple and it's fun to watch them go back and forth. 

They said at orientation that maybe your roommate would end up being the best man in your wedding...whoever said that obviously hadn't roomed with my roommate. I'd have dressed a ram in a tuxedo before my roommate was in my wedding. But what they didn't say was that out of every seemingly negative situation during the year would come something positive. 

Early classes: Julia and Frances

Ground Floor: Kailtin and Caroline (and subsequently Lily and Emily)

Orientation: Steve (and Peter and Rachael by association)

Fordham has so many silver linings it would be impossible for me to say that my time there was a waste. I miss those friends every single day. I made a decision though. I transferred back home.

Pitt. 

I started at Pitt early in January following a shortened Christmas break. I wasn't sure what to expect from my new school. I knew for certain that two of my high school best friends would be there waiting for me though. 

When I got to Pitt I moved all my stuff into my dorm room and met my new roommate for the first time. Greg Kojadinovich. A mouthful of a last name and I'm sure that when you read it on here you'll read it wrong. Greg would understand though, he can't pronounce anything he reads. When I first met Greg I could tell he was a straight shooter. He had been in basic training and AIT while I was at Fordham so this would be his first semester at college. He's from a small town called Phillipsburg which is around 30 minutes away from State College. Greg told me about his girlfriend back home, Lindsey, and about life in his small, rural town. 

If I had to explain Greg I would use a few words to sum him up. One would be anxious. The kid was anxious about any test he takes. He would ask me questions about college and I could tell he was a no bullshit, get good grades type of kid. Another word I would use is loud. Greg loves to cause a scene and make other people feel uncomfortable. The third word I would use is good. Greg is a good person with solid morals. 

As our semester together progressed we figured each other out. I learned not to ask him if I could use his stuff because he would always say "no" in a little shit way before saying "of course you can why do you even ask." I also learned that Greg can't pronounce a lot of words. For example, conscience was thought for most of the year to be pronounced con-science. Greg would always ask me for help revising his papers and he would help me with my calculus questions. We had a nice competition in psych which was fun. Greg, Jeff (another floor mate), and I all had the same intro to psychology class and we would have fun busting each other's balls when one did better than the other. 

The most interaction Greg and I would have was late at night. When we turned the lights off and crawled into our respective beds is when we had our most intimate conversations. We talked about it all. About life, about school, about life back home, and more than anything else we talked about girls. I shared every secret I have with Greg and he told me some secrets he had never told anyone else. It's safe to say that in the course of about 4 months the Army kid from Phillipsburgh, PA became one of my closest friends. Something like a brother. 

Spending all those nights with Greg in the room were nice. Come to think of it I already sort of miss having him around. 

Aside from Greg I still had Dave and Jared. Two of my best friends from high school. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many hours we spent in their room playing X-box and just laughing our asses off. Jared, Dave, and I (along with Ty and Ethan) have some of the best inside jokes in the world. What would seem dumb to everyone else makes perfect sense to us. (Basically, we think we're the funniest people around.) Jared, Dave, Greg, and I along with some other guys we know played in an intramural soccer league every Wednesday. Intramurals gave me something to look forward to every single week.

I've met plenty of other great people at Pitt too. Through Jared's hockey team, Dave's frat, and the guys on my floor of Tower A there was never a shortage of things to do or people to hang with. People like Finger, Edge, Jeff, Rodrigo, Mady, Ashley, and Tocco. 

During finals week I left the library with Mady, Dave, and Jared and crossed Forbes. For whatever reason Dave and Jared were behind Mady and I and when I turned around to see where Jared and Dave were I thought something to myself. I thought, "Those aren't my high school friends. The high school Dave and Jared are gone," I said to myself, "these are my best college friends. They aren't who they used to be and I'm new as well." You see the thing is, Jared and Dave were my best friends in high school, but when I look at them today I see two guys that will likely be in my wedding, not two guys from West A. They are not now who they once were. College has changed them both in one way or another. 

Come to think of it college has changed us all in once way or another. 

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
-Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland 

I have no urge to go back to yesterday. 

However, I do have reasons and urges to go back to New York. I have about 9 of them. I have best friends at Pitt and Fordham. Those ties go deeper than that though. They have individual homes as well. They stretch to places like New Hampshire, New Jersey, Connecticut, Ohio, Maryland, and Colorado. 

I want to take this time to thank some other people that made my first year at college bearable. They were the people there for me when I felt suffocated and trapped or lost and alone. 

Aunt Maureen: thank you for the countless dinners, movies, bus rides, and for giving me a sense of home even if it wasn't my real one.
John: thank you for showing me the greatest city in the world and for giving me a place to stay when I felt I had nowhere. 
Mr. and Mrs. Gannon: thank you for the encouraging words and lovely care packages when times were the toughest.
Mr. and Mrs. Niznik: thank you for birthday wishes, the care package at Fordham, and everything in between. 
Jarrett: thank you for showing me how positive your experience was at Fordham and for any dinners or lunches you paid for. 
All my friends: thank you for everything. 

When I look back I ask myself could I have made Fordham work, the answer is certainly. When I ask myself if I regret leaving my answer is no. Do I think about my friends at Fordham still? I think about them every single day. 

Life is full of things we could have coped with but chose not to. Just like it's filled with sacrifices we unconsciously make on a daily basis. We fight for things and we learn to give up from time to time. Giving up doesn't mean regressing or conceding though, sometimes giving up is the best way forward. I guess it's all about context. 

There were times this year that I thought I was going crazy, but I never worried because as the Cheshire Cat says in Alice In Wonderland, "We're all mad here."

NP: Anna Sun- Walk the Moon

power of the internet

There are a million things wrong with the internet. Viruses, stalking, and false facts posted here or there. But maybe there are a million and one good things. Maybe the power of the internet isn't bad. Sure the internet is an enabler. You can use it to find virtually anything. Be it a person, place, or thing.

You can find people you know, people you once knew, or people you're about to meet.

Maybe the internet will help in this time of turmoil.

I clicked a link from Twitter that took me to Reddit.com's page on the Boston crisis. Hundreds and hundred of people were posting info they had found from scouring the internet. They were doing things like comparing photographs and looking up the make & model of a parking meter that might have video evidence the police could use.

I doubt that everything on the site will be beneficial or even truthful. Some lies might be told and some inaccuracies will be passed along, but if any shred of useful information comes from it isn't that worth it?

The internet can be a dangerous place, if used improperly, but maybe if used with care it can help heal a nation. Maybe the internet can help bring these evil people to justice.

I can't condemn something that has so much potential.

If you want to be impressed go look at all the activity on Reddit. I'm amazed.

We are the land of the free and home of the internet-scouring, counter-terrorism focused civilians. (Brave also, in one respect or another.)

NP: American Boy- Estelle ft. Kanye

26.2 plus

Another day in America and another tragedy. To many it seems like the same old song and dance. While we don't know if this tragedy was caused by some foreign or domestic adversary the truth of the matter is that people are injured and worse than that, dead.

It makes you lose a little hope in mankind, doesn't it?

And maybe it should.

I'm not sure if it's me adjusting to this type of action as the norm, or maybe it's just a different way of viewing the situation. I haven't lost anymore faith in the human race.

It boils down to the age old idea that there is good and there is evil. No amount of good deeds or evil actions will completely erase the other. As long as humans continue to be imperfect evil will exist. And as long as evil exists there will be good to suppress it.

That doesn't mean I'm not sick to my stomach and angered by what happened. Believe me I am. It frustrates me that so many innocent people trained year-round for this event and now will not be able to finish. It's sickening to think that now the last thing in the back of an athlete's mind is worrying about being blown up. That isn't right. They should have to worry about the physical and mental stress, not about the stress of leaving behind a family should they be injured or killed.

It's yet another obstacle in a race that's much longer than 26.2 miles.

But obstacles build character and loss brings mourning. I don't usually pray, but not praying today would be downright selfish.

I'll pray for Boston and for those affected by what transpired today.

And for those of you who plan on running a marathon: keep going. To give up now would mean letting those who did this get the better of us all.

Train on, every single day, and if you start to lose sight of it for yourself, think of those people in Boston who didn't get to finish their race.

Train on. Run on. Pray on. Do it for Boston.

NP: Lover Of The Light- Mumford & Sons

foot to the grindstone

Only ten days left here before my semester ends. Time to get focused up and knock out these finals. Need to do well on my Psych test this Thursday so I can go see my best friends at Fordham.

Other than the necessary school work I've been writing. Nothing special, just a few book ideas that I have been mulling over. Each one is about 200 pages short of where I want it to be, but a start is a start. Not going to give up on these ideas I have.

We'll see where it gets me.

NP: Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran