I'm not Jewish, nor do I claim to be. I just saw all the Jewish people I know apologizing for things on Twitter and Facebook so I guess you atone for any wrongdoings you have committed in the last year. I'd like to take this time to apologize too...
I'd like to apologize to anyone I've ever wronged intentionally. Whoever you are, I am sorry. Intentionally wronging you means that I was extremely weak at that time. Whether you deserved what I did to you or not I am sorry.
I'd like to apologize to anyone I've unknowingly wronged. I'm sure more people fall into this category than I'll ever know. I joke around a lot, and I mean A LOT, and I'm sure I take it too far at times. If my joking has ever got past the point of a joke and actually upset you then I am sorry. I really didn't mean it.
I'd like to apologize to anyone I will wrong in any way in the future. It would be ignorant to think I'll never do wrong to someone again. I'll hurt people, and for that, I am sorry.
I'd like to apologize to myself. I've let myself down before and in fact letting down others is the worst let down for me. I hate disappointing people, especially those close to me. The closest being myself.
I'd also like to take this last part to forgive myself. Forgive myself for letting down or hurting any of you, and also for letting down and hurting myself. If you can't forgive yourself you're going to have a tough time in this life. I promise you that.
Apologize and forgive.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I'm Here
This week is off to a better start. Hanging with John and Joe Lach on Friday was nice. It made me realize something though. I don't think I'm made to live in the city. I think I'm made to love the city, but I couldn't live here. The crowded apartments and public transportation. That just isn't for me.
I'm in love with New York, I really am, but I can't live here.
I'm a suburban PA kid at heart. I'm a hop in the Subaru and drive somewhere kid, not a catch the subway kind of kid.
I could handle life in Oakland or Shadyside because I like having a house. Apartments aren't for me. Granted I won't always be able to afford a house, but a penthouse apartment just doesn't appeal to me the same way a house like my one in Oakdale does. A doorman? I'd rather just have a dog that watches my house.
I'm not sure if it's the fast pace that I don't like or the bajillions of people. The impersonal feel of such a large city. I like having real neighbors. Maybe this is all an overreaction, but I honestly could never see myself settling down and having a family in New York City. I just couldn't.
Feeling a bit indifferent towards most things right now. I'm beyond excited to come home and see my two best friends this weekend though. I haven't seen Ty in nearly two months and Ash in nearly two weeks. I'm 100% sure that Ty and I will pick right back up where we left off in summer. The kid is like my brother. I look up to him and I don't think he even knows it.
He's chasing his dream. I'm not sure I can say the same about myself. I'm in the business school. I want to write. See the problem?
I'll find my way. One way or another I will. I'm gonna end up where I need to end up. That's guaranteed.
NP: Over- Drake
I'm in love with New York, I really am, but I can't live here.
I'm a suburban PA kid at heart. I'm a hop in the Subaru and drive somewhere kid, not a catch the subway kind of kid.
I could handle life in Oakland or Shadyside because I like having a house. Apartments aren't for me. Granted I won't always be able to afford a house, but a penthouse apartment just doesn't appeal to me the same way a house like my one in Oakdale does. A doorman? I'd rather just have a dog that watches my house.
I'm not sure if it's the fast pace that I don't like or the bajillions of people. The impersonal feel of such a large city. I like having real neighbors. Maybe this is all an overreaction, but I honestly could never see myself settling down and having a family in New York City. I just couldn't.
Feeling a bit indifferent towards most things right now. I'm beyond excited to come home and see my two best friends this weekend though. I haven't seen Ty in nearly two months and Ash in nearly two weeks. I'm 100% sure that Ty and I will pick right back up where we left off in summer. The kid is like my brother. I look up to him and I don't think he even knows it.
He's chasing his dream. I'm not sure I can say the same about myself. I'm in the business school. I want to write. See the problem?
I'll find my way. One way or another I will. I'm gonna end up where I need to end up. That's guaranteed.
NP: Over- Drake
Sunday, September 23, 2012
scar tissue
Have you ever taken the time to examine your scars? I'm not talking about just identifying where they are, I'm saying have you ever evaluated those scars and seen the stories they might have to tell?
Looking at my body I can find plenty of scars.
My legs are covered in scars from both soccer and baseball. I have two other scars that have been concealed a bit over time.
One scar is above my left eye. I was at the doctor's office with my mom at about three years old when I bolted out of the room. I came around the corner and ran smack into the edge of a coffee table.
Looking at that scar I guess it was the world's way of showing me not to run away from my mom. It's pretty symbolic if you really look into it. Symbolic and ironic at the same time. Ironic because I got hurt at the doctor's office.
Looking at that scar I can tell that I should never run away from my momma. She always has my best interest in mind. I guess at a very young age I learned leaving her side could be dangerous.
The other scar I have is behind my right ear. I want to say it was sixth grade when it happened. I was outside in my front yard when my neighbor across the street began riding his electric powered mini car at me. I kept backing up and backing up until I ripped my ear open on a pillar in front of my house. My ear bled like crazy and I had to go to the ER.
If I had to overanalyze this scar I would say that it tells me never to back down. Never let your fears drive you back. All I had to do was step to one side or the other and I would have been fine. I was a bit scared though. Don't be scared.
Those are my visible scars.
God knows I have some that nobody can see.
I broke my leg once, my wrist once, and tore my quad once. Those bones have mended and my quad has calcified and healed as much as it can. Even those mended bones and fixed muscles leave behind scarred tissue. It can't be seen, but you know it's there.
Those scars are all physically inflicted wounds. I'd venture to say that the majority of scars aren't visible. I'd also guess that most scarring is emotional.
It's easier to hide those scars in my opinion, but unlike physical scars, emotional ones are the ones that become more noticeable over time. Physical scars fade, while emotional scars surface.
I've got scars of all sorts, ask me about them if you'd like.
NP: Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Looking at my body I can find plenty of scars.
My legs are covered in scars from both soccer and baseball. I have two other scars that have been concealed a bit over time.
One scar is above my left eye. I was at the doctor's office with my mom at about three years old when I bolted out of the room. I came around the corner and ran smack into the edge of a coffee table.
Looking at that scar I guess it was the world's way of showing me not to run away from my mom. It's pretty symbolic if you really look into it. Symbolic and ironic at the same time. Ironic because I got hurt at the doctor's office.
Looking at that scar I can tell that I should never run away from my momma. She always has my best interest in mind. I guess at a very young age I learned leaving her side could be dangerous.
The other scar I have is behind my right ear. I want to say it was sixth grade when it happened. I was outside in my front yard when my neighbor across the street began riding his electric powered mini car at me. I kept backing up and backing up until I ripped my ear open on a pillar in front of my house. My ear bled like crazy and I had to go to the ER.
If I had to overanalyze this scar I would say that it tells me never to back down. Never let your fears drive you back. All I had to do was step to one side or the other and I would have been fine. I was a bit scared though. Don't be scared.
Those are my visible scars.
God knows I have some that nobody can see.
I broke my leg once, my wrist once, and tore my quad once. Those bones have mended and my quad has calcified and healed as much as it can. Even those mended bones and fixed muscles leave behind scarred tissue. It can't be seen, but you know it's there.
Those scars are all physically inflicted wounds. I'd venture to say that the majority of scars aren't visible. I'd also guess that most scarring is emotional.
It's easier to hide those scars in my opinion, but unlike physical scars, emotional ones are the ones that become more noticeable over time. Physical scars fade, while emotional scars surface.
I've got scars of all sorts, ask me about them if you'd like.
NP: Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Saturday, September 22, 2012
sweet set up
I have a pretty sweet set up right now. You see, the thing is, I'm dating my best friend.
I only had one girlfriend through middle school in high school. For four years I had a girlfriend and I had a best friend that whole time too. The two were not the same person though. I jumped into a relationship at the beginning of eighth grade. I wasn't friends with my girlfriend before that point. Sure, I became friends with her in time, but I never would have called her my best friend.
This time is different.
This time I went from the acquaintance stage, our junior year, to the friends stage throughout most of senior year. To be honest I was pretty sure I was in a type of glass ceiling relationship where I could see the next level, but I could never achieve it. In time she became my best friend. When summer rolled around she was still my best friend, but again, the glass ceiling feeling. Wanting more but thinking I'd never get there.
Then I left for school and boom, now she's my girlfriend. Not the normal way things play out, at all, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
The cool part is this... I can watch tv with her like she's just my best friend, I can take her on dates like she's just my girlfriend, but no matter what we're doing I can just be myself. It's a natural friendship that evolved into much more.
I also think of it like this... there are some things I tell her as my friend, some things I tell her as my girlfriend, and some things I tell her as both. I tell her everything, and that is pretty cool.
I'm lucky.
Luckier than most.
Madly. Crazily. Happily.
In love.
NP: Too Close- Alex Clare
I only had one girlfriend through middle school in high school. For four years I had a girlfriend and I had a best friend that whole time too. The two were not the same person though. I jumped into a relationship at the beginning of eighth grade. I wasn't friends with my girlfriend before that point. Sure, I became friends with her in time, but I never would have called her my best friend.
This time is different.
This time I went from the acquaintance stage, our junior year, to the friends stage throughout most of senior year. To be honest I was pretty sure I was in a type of glass ceiling relationship where I could see the next level, but I could never achieve it. In time she became my best friend. When summer rolled around she was still my best friend, but again, the glass ceiling feeling. Wanting more but thinking I'd never get there.
Then I left for school and boom, now she's my girlfriend. Not the normal way things play out, at all, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
The cool part is this... I can watch tv with her like she's just my best friend, I can take her on dates like she's just my girlfriend, but no matter what we're doing I can just be myself. It's a natural friendship that evolved into much more.
I also think of it like this... there are some things I tell her as my friend, some things I tell her as my girlfriend, and some things I tell her as both. I tell her everything, and that is pretty cool.
I'm lucky.
Luckier than most.
Madly. Crazily. Happily.
In love.
NP: Too Close- Alex Clare
Monday, September 17, 2012
bus encounter
Last night I caught the 11:45 Megabus back to NYC from Pittsburgh. I boarded the bus, ascended the stairs, and sat down next to a young man who looked pretty harmless.
The first thing he did was offer me a beer. I politely refused. His name was Brendan. He asked me if I went to Penn State and I told him that I went to a school in New York called Fordham. He said he knows Fordham and he went on to tell me that he went to Penn State, but now he works in New York City. He told me he hated his job and asked me my major. I told him accounting, but that I didn't want to crunch number for the rest of my life. He told me it was okay to hate your job, that everybody's 9 to 5 sucks. He asked me what year I was and when I told him I was a freshman he sighed, "I'm so jealous of you," he said, "I envy you. You have the best four years of your life ahead of you." I laughed and said that's what everybody tells me. He went on to tell me he had regrets about college...I told him he didn't have to list them. He was grateful for that. My phone lit up for a second and he saw the picture of Ashley as my screen background and he asked, "You have a girlfriend?" I replied yes and that she is why I was back in Pittsburgh. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry to say it, but it won't last." I laughed at that too. He shut up for a little while and decided to move up a seat in front to sit with a girl he had been chatting with. I put in headphones, but as I laid my head down one fell out. I heard Brendan talking to the girl about me. Nothing malicious, just how I was young and naive and how it wouldn't last, it never does. He told Amy, that was the girl's name, about how he had a girlfriend of two years and after college it fell apart. He had told me the same thing and that she was the greatest girl he ever met. He told Amy he didn't mean to crush my hopes and dreams but that it was the reality of it.
You see, what Brendan didn't know was that he challenged me. He's just another person that wants me to think certain things are impossible. Brendan was in no way a bad person, he was just in a bit of a drunken stupor. He meant every word he said and everything that he said was what he believed to be the truth. Thank you for that, Brendan. Not that you'll ever read this, but thanks. Thanks for showing me what I don't want to be like in four years time.
You see, Brendan, you and I are very different.
You have a job you hate. I refuse to do that. I refuse to settle.
You let the girl you loved walk away. I won't.
I'm very aware of the fact that he was just trying to tell me what he believed was the truth...he was wrong though. Plain and simple he was wrong.
I'm not going to end up like Brendan. A sad, alone, unhappy, 22 year old kid telling an 18 year old that his love won't last.
In four years if I find myself next to an 18 year old kid on the Megabus I plan on telling him he can do whatever he wants. That if he loves something, whatever it is, he can make it happen. You see Brendan made the grave mistake of thinking I was anything like him. I'm not though. That 18 year old boy I meet years from now won't be like me either, and because of that I cannot tell him that something won't work. I'm not here to crush hopes and dreams.
I'm here to inspire.
I don't quit on things. Especially not on things I love.
NP: Missed Calls- Mac Miller
The first thing he did was offer me a beer. I politely refused. His name was Brendan. He asked me if I went to Penn State and I told him that I went to a school in New York called Fordham. He said he knows Fordham and he went on to tell me that he went to Penn State, but now he works in New York City. He told me he hated his job and asked me my major. I told him accounting, but that I didn't want to crunch number for the rest of my life. He told me it was okay to hate your job, that everybody's 9 to 5 sucks. He asked me what year I was and when I told him I was a freshman he sighed, "I'm so jealous of you," he said, "I envy you. You have the best four years of your life ahead of you." I laughed and said that's what everybody tells me. He went on to tell me he had regrets about college...I told him he didn't have to list them. He was grateful for that. My phone lit up for a second and he saw the picture of Ashley as my screen background and he asked, "You have a girlfriend?" I replied yes and that she is why I was back in Pittsburgh. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry to say it, but it won't last." I laughed at that too. He shut up for a little while and decided to move up a seat in front to sit with a girl he had been chatting with. I put in headphones, but as I laid my head down one fell out. I heard Brendan talking to the girl about me. Nothing malicious, just how I was young and naive and how it wouldn't last, it never does. He told Amy, that was the girl's name, about how he had a girlfriend of two years and after college it fell apart. He had told me the same thing and that she was the greatest girl he ever met. He told Amy he didn't mean to crush my hopes and dreams but that it was the reality of it.
You see, what Brendan didn't know was that he challenged me. He's just another person that wants me to think certain things are impossible. Brendan was in no way a bad person, he was just in a bit of a drunken stupor. He meant every word he said and everything that he said was what he believed to be the truth. Thank you for that, Brendan. Not that you'll ever read this, but thanks. Thanks for showing me what I don't want to be like in four years time.
You see, Brendan, you and I are very different.
You have a job you hate. I refuse to do that. I refuse to settle.
You let the girl you loved walk away. I won't.
I'm very aware of the fact that he was just trying to tell me what he believed was the truth...he was wrong though. Plain and simple he was wrong.
I'm not going to end up like Brendan. A sad, alone, unhappy, 22 year old kid telling an 18 year old that his love won't last.
In four years if I find myself next to an 18 year old kid on the Megabus I plan on telling him he can do whatever he wants. That if he loves something, whatever it is, he can make it happen. You see Brendan made the grave mistake of thinking I was anything like him. I'm not though. That 18 year old boy I meet years from now won't be like me either, and because of that I cannot tell him that something won't work. I'm not here to crush hopes and dreams.
I'm here to inspire.
I don't quit on things. Especially not on things I love.
NP: Missed Calls- Mac Miller
Sunday, September 16, 2012
you wake up and it's forever
Have you ever woken up next to somebody and had them say, "I want this forever."? And in that moment the little voice inside you says, "Forever is a long time. Maybe that's a bold statement." but in the eyes of the girl looking back at you is yourself. And not only do you see yourself, you see the you that would be lost without her. You tell her that you want forever too, and you know deep down that you mean it. You're very cognizant of the fact that it's going to be difficult, that at times it's going to hurt, but looking at her you know it'll all be worth it.
You know you aren't perfect and she isn't either, but that in somewhere in your imperfections the two of you are perfect, for each other at least.
The littlest things she does are the things you love the most. (you love the big things too) You go out of your way to make her smile. You have a lot of firsts with her. Including taking her someplace you've never taken anyone else.
You spend the next half hour talking about the future. Talking about something that's very uncertain. Uncertain doesn't mean impossible though.
I'm not someone who likes to talk about things that aren't for sure, about things I can't guarantee. I feel like I'm in control of this though. I talk about forever because I know what I want. I'm only eighteen, but I'm not stupid.
Call her my weakness, I guess you could say she makes me weak. More than making me weak she makes me strong though. And more than making me strong she makes me smile.
You could call this a perfect weekend, I wouldn't argue with that at all.
NP: Angel- Shaggy
You know you aren't perfect and she isn't either, but that in somewhere in your imperfections the two of you are perfect, for each other at least.
The littlest things she does are the things you love the most. (you love the big things too) You go out of your way to make her smile. You have a lot of firsts with her. Including taking her someplace you've never taken anyone else.
You spend the next half hour talking about the future. Talking about something that's very uncertain. Uncertain doesn't mean impossible though.
I'm not someone who likes to talk about things that aren't for sure, about things I can't guarantee. I feel like I'm in control of this though. I talk about forever because I know what I want. I'm only eighteen, but I'm not stupid.
Call her my weakness, I guess you could say she makes me weak. More than making me weak she makes me strong though. And more than making me strong she makes me smile.
You could call this a perfect weekend, I wouldn't argue with that at all.
NP: Angel- Shaggy
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
11 years of 9/11
Spending the eleventh anniversary of 9/11 in New York is surreal. I dare not venture to the 9/11 Memorial today because I feel it isn't my place. I want to see the beautiful memorial, but not on a day like today. Today is a day for the families and friends of those who perished.
To act like I have any business being there with them would be shameful.
Eleven years ago today our country was shook. To say I had an understanding of the severity of what happened in second grade would be a lie. Even today I can't grasp the full picture of what happened. I'll never understand why it happened. I'll never understand the full scale effects it had and is still having.
It was a day that changed America. It brought about a lot of fear and it brought about even more hatred.
It unified us, it inspired us, it scared us, and it showed us that being scared is okay.
It showed us that we're stronger than we seem.
I'm at a loss for words on a day like today. Walking to class this little blurb struck me...
There's a brisk breeze blowing that refuses to let you forget.
Not that we would forget,
or that we could forget.
Because forgetting would mean saying it was okay,
and saying it was okay would mean giving up.
And giving up would be unfair,
unfair because those who died never did.
But we won't forget.
The breeze won't let us.
Today is a sobering day.
NP: Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
To act like I have any business being there with them would be shameful.
Eleven years ago today our country was shook. To say I had an understanding of the severity of what happened in second grade would be a lie. Even today I can't grasp the full picture of what happened. I'll never understand why it happened. I'll never understand the full scale effects it had and is still having.
It was a day that changed America. It brought about a lot of fear and it brought about even more hatred.
It unified us, it inspired us, it scared us, and it showed us that being scared is okay.
It showed us that we're stronger than we seem.
I'm at a loss for words on a day like today. Walking to class this little blurb struck me...
There's a brisk breeze blowing that refuses to let you forget.
Not that we would forget,
or that we could forget.
Because forgetting would mean saying it was okay,
and saying it was okay would mean giving up.
And giving up would be unfair,
unfair because those who died never did.
But we won't forget.
The breeze won't let us.
Today is a sobering day.
NP: Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
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