I have to go

I don't know if I want to, but I have to. It's time.

We're pulling out of my driveway right now...

This sucks. I'm glad it sucks though. The fact in still hesitant to leave shows just how much I love this place. No matter what, this is my home.

Last night my mom came in to give me a back scratch and I could tell it finally has hit her. She kept asking if I had any special back scratch requests. That was nice, I could tell she was just delaying the inevitable. She didn't want to say good night. Then she whispered, "it isn't goodbye though, it's just see you later."

That one hit me.

She's right, I will see this place later.

It was hard to say bye to my animals too. It's the little things I'll miss the most.

I'm coming, Fordham, I'm coming. I hope we're both ready.

There's going to be some tears these next two days.

NP: Come Home- OneRepublic

scratch the surface

I treated my mom and Jenny to TGI Fridays tonight. It was our last dinner in the burgh and I figured I could pick up the tab. Sure it was a nice thing to do, but when I stop and think about it, my mom has been doing that for me for 18 years. My paying once doesn't even scratch the surface of what she's done for me.

I guess that's what parents specialize in, sacrifice. My mom has made a lot for my sister and I.

In recent years I would hate to go shopping with my mom. I hate it simply because she refuses to buy herself anything. If anyone deserves a shopping trip, it's her, not me or Jenny. These past couple years I didn't go back to school shopping. I didn't want to go because I knew that I didn't need anything. If my mom could go years without buying herself any new clothes I sure as hell didn't need new ones for every school year, let alone every season change.

My mom has made me the person I am today. I'm eternally grateful for every sacrifice she's made for me. One day I'm going to pay her back for it. One day I'm going to be able to give my mom whatever it is she wants. At that point it won't be about what she needs, it'll be about what she wants.

I'm going to make it up to you mom, I promise you that. It wasn't all for not. Your son is going to be someone.

NP: Dear Mama- Tupac

pain starts with an A

College life starts on Sunday. Classes start on Wednesday. Somewhere soon after, or in the middle, drinking will begin. I know that there will be plenty of alcohol consumed in my presence and I'm realizing I don't think I will ever fully be okay with it.

I will never drink.

It's that plain and simple. I never will.

I don't need it as a social stimulant or as a way of coping with things. Frankly, I think that anyone who can't cope with their problems without the use of drugs or alcohol is weak.

To me drinking is pointless. Others see some sort of benefit in it and that's fine. People say that when a person drinks they don't hold anything back, that they're fully being themselves. I guess that's why they call it "liquid courage". I'm courageous enough to be myself without drinking.

I know who I am and I embrace it. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not and I never have.

From time to time it's nice to stop and truly evaluate the person you are. Obviously these evaluations are subjective, very rare is it that a person can give a truly objective view of themselves.

I'll do my best to keep this as objective as possible.

I am a college bound, eighteen year old kid who is scared shitless. I'm scared of the coursework, of not fitting in, of not making friends, and of missing everyone back home. At this point my home makes me feel homesick and I'm praying that Fordham feels better. I'm excited for college and anxious. I'll admit I miss my best friends a ton already. I'll also be the first to admit I am a jealous and worried kid. I am a good friend and a protective friend too. I'm protective, jealous, and worried because I care more than most people do. I believe I'm a good looking kid, to a point. I feel like my ability to connect with people and my caring nature greatly surpass my looks. I sometimes feel like looks are my shortcoming. I also feel like I'm one of the most genuinely good guys you will ever meet. I'm deathly afraid of not being enough. I'm deathly afraid of losing people. When I say losing I mean losing them as what I had them as, be it a friend or more. I feel sick to my stomach at this very instant. I'm a vulnerable kid. From time to time I'm mentally weak and I try to compensate for it with physical strength. I'm a trustworthy person, but I hardly ever fully trust someone. I'm a vulnerable kid who has been hurt before. I have a past, and my family has a dark past. My dark past has made me everything I am today. It has hurt me, but it has never stopped me from loving. I'm in love.

I don't drink.

In my world: Alcohol=Pain.

In my world: Pain starts with A. An A for alcohol.

NP: Daylight- Maroon 5

some more goodbyes

Tonight some of my family came over for a last family meal. It was good to share some stories, talk about the news, and eat some good lasagna. The toughest goodbye was to Pap.

He's the man I look up to most in the world and he's the one who has done the most for me. It'll be tough not seeing him for a long time.

On his way out he said something to me that stuck. "Remember everyone is equal once you get up there." He's right, once we're in, we all have a clean slate. It doesn't matter what scholarships a kid has, where they came from, or how much money they have.

I have as good a chance as any of being successful this coming year.

It doesn't matter if I was wait listed or not. It doesn't matter how much debt I'm going to graduate with. All that matters is that I made it.

Simply making it isn't enough though. 

You don't tell stories about the kids who made it somewhere. You talk about the ones who made it and did something once they made it.

Nobody there has a leg up on me through. I'm ready to compete against kids from all over the world. I'm a little bit scared, but I think that's expected. It isn't fear so much as it is nerves.

I've had nerves before though. Before every field goal I would have a rush of nerves.

The thing was I put myself in a position to succeed. The nerves were overcome and I succeeded more times than I failed.

I've put myself in the position to be a successful man. Whether I take this opportunity and run with it is up to me and me alone.

At this point, it's mine to lose. 

Fate has no role here.

I control my own destiny.

I'll make my own legacy. 

Leave fate to those who like to wait. 

NP: Smile Back- Mac Miller

up with two and back with one

Today, I left home with two of my best friends, we drove to Akron, and I came home with only one of those best friends.

Ash, Amanda, and I went to move Ash in today.

It was a long process and I can say that moving a girl into her dorm room is one of the most stressful things I've ever been a part of. I'm glad I did though.

The whole day I felt very complacent. Being complacent was the only thing that was able to keep me from realizing the situation that is unfolding. Life has changed. 

I sit at home this very instant and the West Allegheny district feels dead to me. Almost all my friends have moved in to their dorms. Amanda is the last to leave and she goes tomorrow morning.

Like I said, life is different now. I won't see Ash for several months. When I do see her again it will be for a day or so. Then I won't see her for another month or so and even when I see her it will only be for a couple weeks. Then more months before summer comes along. Once summer is here we can pretend again that life is back to normal, but sadly after three months we leave again.

After four years of that we'll have graduated. I can't tell you what degrees we will graduate with, I can't tell you what our GPAs will have been, I can't tell you what internships we will have under our belts, and I can't tell you where our jobs will have us headed. I can tell you that Ash will still be my best friend though.

I love her to death and this past year she has become my best friend in the world. The funny thing is...I can't tell you how we became friends. No matter how hard I try to trace the roots, our friendship seems to have popped up out of nowhere. I can tell you exact dates of certain events, but I cannot tell you how it started.

It's a friendship that has matured over these past 10 months into something special. What it is exactly, I can't tell you. I do know that I love her. I love her like I love all my friends, but I don't love all my friends like I love her. That should explain it to you. I fell in love with my best friend. I left my best friend and the girl I love in Akron.

I'm scared, I'm worried, and I feel lost. I go to New York City in 4 days and this is no time to feel any of those emotions but I just can't help myself.

I have the best friend a kid could ask for. She's two hours away right now and in a few days she will be eight hours away. You can't measure the distance between two people in hours, minutes, or seconds though. You can only measure it in how you feel. You can be as close or as far as you want. It's up to you. Distance is only a barrier between two physical beings. I ask myself... Where's my mind? Where's my heart? Answer that and you know how far away you truly are. I'm not too far away from my best friend right now.

NP: Home- Phillip Phillips

backwards

Our minds and the world we live in seem to operate in strange ways. It seems to me that a fair amount of the time we get the opposite of what we want.

When we want time to speed up, it slows to a crawl.

When we wish the world would slow down and wait for us, someone presses fast forward.

When we need some distance, we find ourselves the closest.

When we get the closest, the world pushes us apart.

When we want to love, love seems to hide.

When we do love, we wish it would've stayed hidden.

Sometimes we expect to be strong, but instead we weep.

And sometimes when we're expected to weep, we're stronger than we ever thought we could be.

That's the way it goes though.

When life starts making sense you know that you've lost it completely.

It doesn't have to make sense for you to enjoy it though.

gone baby gone

They're dumb for letting us go, but I'm glad they did. Without bad endings good beginnings wouldn't be possible.

Beginnings don't always feel so great though. When a beginning brings an end to a good thing you shy away from it.

It doesn't have to be the end though.

Things don't have to change, but more than likely some will.

Change is okay, but don't forget.

Don't lose sight of what's important, but don't have a narrow view either.

Don't wait, but don't count us out.

This is the worst, but maybe it's for the best.

Who knows anymore?

The end? The beginning?

The line between the two is becoming increasingly blurred.

It doesn't feel real yet.