Hopeless

When you can't find the words to say, you can't think of what to do next, and you see something you love coming to an end; how do you feel? Today I felt hopeless.

I watched as the outs dwindled down and something that was a part of me for thirteen years died. My high school baseball career is over. Whether or not it's the last game I ever play remains to be seen. But today was the last day I will have ever played a sport for West Allegheny. It was the last time I'll put on a uniform and represented my school.

No amount of empathy will make this season ending feel okay and no amount of good jobs or you did wells will ever cut it.

We underachieved.

But what Coach Cornell and Coach D said in the locker room did make me feel a little bit better. Us seniors help rebuild and turn around the program. For the past two years the team had been on a decline, but this year we brought it back. We didn't make playoffs, we underachieved, but we taught the younger kids that coming close wasn't enough. I hope in the years to come I can check the scores online and see those guys doing well. That'll make this all hurt a little less.

Baseball was fun again this year. I loved going to practice everyday or to a game and just flat out competing. That's what I'll miss most about high school sports. The competition and the camaraderie.

Playing high school sports with some of my best friends will be something I can look back on and smile about for years to come.

I pity those kids who didn't feel a little bit hurt today. I know of at least one who would've rather been anywhere than out there with us today. Shame on him. He didn't care about this and while there are things that mean more, he didn't have the balls to admit he didn't care. He didn't have the decency to put it all on the line and put his whole being into this team.

I put myself into it all. After all, I tend to put myself all in to a lot of things. Maybe into things I shouldn't. But that's just the way I work. I care. I care too much at times. That's fine with me though. If crying after today's game makes me weak, then I don't want to be tough.

Today ends a chapter of my life.

Other chapters have yet to be started. And even others that have started will be put on hold. For how long? Who knows...maybe forever. But maybe not. Maybe I'll get a call one day.

Loving this song right now... 


"When I wake up, I'm willing to take my chances on the hope I forget
that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you.
You need him. I could be him...
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him. Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

Maybe he won't find out what I know:

 you were the last good thing about this part of town." 

our last day?

Tomorrow is the day. What could be our last baseball game. It's sad. But sometimes the truth is sad. Sometimes understanding something doesn't make it any easier to accept. Sometimes you like to hold out hope for just one more day.

I'm holding out for one more day, one more game, one more chance. One chance in general.

The horrible thing about tomorrow is that I can only do so much. I can control my part of what goes on, but there is so much more that goes into it. There is more than one team playing, and all I can worry about it myself and my team.

I've put it all out there, played my hardest, given my heart to it, and now it's time to see where it leads.

There are games you know you'll win, games you know you'll lose, and games that even if you win you lose. But each of those games; they deserve to be played.

So play them, love them, and accept them.

Accept them as a challenge. Accept them as more than a game. Accept them as a lesson.

Play and fight until someone tells you to stop. And even after they've told you to stop, open your eyes and make sure there isn't more to fight for.

NP: 2020- Sol

acceptance of one's place in time

Yesterday I watched Friday Night Lights, which if you haven't seen before you absolutely must. Not the TV series either, I'm talking the movie version with Billy bob Thornton.

I noticed yesterday at the very end of the movie, after the season is over, Mike Winchell finally accepts where he is. The entire movie Mike comes across as a very stern young man who's never happy with what's going on around him.

At the end he takes a football and throws it across the street to a group of younger kids who were tossing around a football. When he turns back to the camera you finally, for the first time, see Mike Winchell smile. His season, and his high school life were over, but he knew he had great things ahead of him.

In that moment you could tell he was going to be okay. 


I hope that after high school is over, I can turn around to the camera, smile, and know that everything is going to be all right. 

tattoo ideas

I went down to South Side Tattoo with Ty and Mr. Graz and it reaffirmed how much I want a tattoo. I just need to settle on one in particular that I'm behind 100%. I have several I'm very keen on, I just need to decide which one suits me best and which one I'll love years from now.

I'm going to post the ideas and I'd love some feedback from all of you guys. Likes, dislikes, and kind of criticism would be great.

The first idea is one that ties into another blog I wrote a while back about fighting a battle you know you'll lose. It's from a poem and is in the movie The Blind Side. The saying goes like this...

Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die

To me that epitomizes much of what I preach. The idea that you know you'll lose but you choose to fight anyway; it screams courage. Theirs not to make reply meaning that it isn't their place to speak up against their orders, theirs not to reason why meaning that it isn't their place to question what is going on around them, and theirs but to do and die refers to carrying out your actions, no matter what. 

The next idea is one I found recently that spoke to me...

All good ideas must die, so that great ideas might live. 

To me that can fit many different parts of life. The thought of not just an idea dying so something greater can live, but also the sense of a person dying. Of a good person dying, so that someone great might live. It can also apply to the field of business or writing. Whether business ideas or ideas for a piece of writing they can always be improved upon and made great. 

One more I like the idea of would be a little one to put on my forearm, possibly in white ink. It would be...

There are times when silence has the loudest voice

I think having it in white ink would play into the silence part of it and would also be a great reminder every time I look at my arm that there are plenty of times I don't need to say anything at all. 

Final idea that my mom had thought of is a quote from Rene Descartes that reads...

Je pense donc je suis

(I think, therefore I am) 

That really is me in a nutshell. Thinking. My main hobby, my main enemy, and my main friend. It's simple, but beautiful. 

I really want some feedback on these ideas so feel free to share. 

NP: White Houses- Vanessa Carlton 

being what you want

Throughout our lives the adults that surround us ask the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Our answers change over time. Be it a baseball player or ballerina, doctor or architect, interior designer or accountant. As we grow older out answers become more "mature" and "realistic," but I don't think we ever really answer the question. We answered what career path would we like to take.

When I grow up I want to make a living writing. But what do I want to be?

I want to be...
a dad,
a husband,
a granddad,
a New Yorker,
a coach for my kids,
a role model,
remembered,
a hero,
retired early,
well traveled,
unique,
strange,
me.

I want to be a lot of things when I grow up. And at the same time I don't ever want to grow up. 18 is a wonderful, wonderful age. I'm sure 28 is great too, and 38, and maybe even 48.

Each stage of my life will bring in a new sense of worth and sense of belonging. A new sense of what I need to do. A new sense of how to be the best me.

I'm not afraid of growing up, I'm just a fan of childhood I guess.

Just think about your answer the next time someone asks what you want to be. Really take the time to think about all the things you want to be.

NP: Drive By- Train

"Perfect Only In Her Imperfection"

Great lyric from a great song. It's from the song Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin. It's really a great song about a girl who would be willing to change if it ensured happy ever after, but that lyric brought about a different idea. In fact that lyric is very similar to something I said to someone just the other day. I said perfectly imperfect, so not exactly the same, but pretty darn close.

That lyric in particular along with that stupid, somewhat catchy One Direction song brings about the topic of girls. Girls and their perception of themselves. 


I feel like a lot of girls say they don't think they're pretty just for people to tell them they're wrong. Attention seeking is the only term that comes to mind for those kind of girls. The One Direction song talks about girls not knowing they're beautiful being what makes them beautiful...

I disagree... Confidence is beautiful. 


A sense of self esteem never hurt anybody and I think One Direction is wrong.

With confidence comes the border that you don't want to cross over into cockiness.

A girl who knows she's beautiful, but knows she isn't perfect is ideal. 


Confidence is contagious, and beauty is bountiful, so if you're confident in you beauty, others will be too. 

NP: Beautiful Disaster- Jon McLaughlin

The Company You Keep

Tell me what company you keep and I'll tell you what you are.

-Miguel de Cervantes

That quote could not be any more true. The people we surround ourselves with help define us. I like to think I surround myself with some of the finest people our school has to offer. We're all partially geeks, partially jocks, and partially morbid. Those three put together make us a fun group to hang out with.

I don't like associating with shitty people. Some people are okay with it, but not me. I don't even like carrying on a conversation with someone I have no respect for. As far as respect goes, it's not hard to earn my respect, and it isn't hard to lose it either. Disrespect is probably my biggest turn off. Other than that it would have to be anyone who abuses any substance or another human being. Even though I said it isn't hard to get my respect it's  a hundred times harder after I've lost respect for you. 

The biggest shame of all is seeing people keep bad company especially close to their heart. Both boys and girls are guilty of dating pieces of shit. Most times though, it's easier to point out a girl dating a scum guy. But there are scum girls out there. That's a fact.

Basically all you can say really is keep good people around you. Even if you don't realize it, keeping lousy company defines you. Hey in the end it's your decision and if you don't care what people think then you should hang out with whoever you want. 

I associate with some class acts. I recognize they're strange, but they're my kind of strange. 

NP: Friend Like You- Joshua Radin