My Own Personal Complex

I think that we all have our own specific "complexes." And what I mean is that every person has some part of themselves they're uncomfortable with. We all have something we worry about as a potential shortcoming. 

The most popular complex in modern day America has to be the skinny girl complex. You know, the idea that a girl feels she needs to look like the waistless models pictured in magazines. There's no denying that people young and old worry about the way they look. If it wasn't true then we wouldn't have nearly as many kids with eating disorders and plastic surgeons would have a heck of a lot less work to do.

For me, body image isn't a worry anymore. I've come to accept this physique I've been given. I don't worry about my height or smile or anything like that. Aside from a few pounds here or there, most parts of my appearance are set in stone. And when I look in the mirror I'm content with what I see. I'm no Narcissus destined to fall in love with my own reflection, but I'm not some bridge-guarding troll either. 

For me, my complex is something much different. I'm deathly afraid of not being interesting enough. I don't look at Leonardo DiCaprio and see greatness in his looks, instead I'm intimidated by his accomplishments. It's his worldliness that frightens me. Granted, actors are a separate breed because of their lifestyles, but the underlying concept is the same. I don't want to bore someone. In this day and age boredom sets in so fast that one day you could be all the rage and the next you're just a sideshow in your own story. And if that isn't scary I don't know what is. 

The truth is this... obsolescence is scary. 

Maybe that's why we seek love, as a reassurance that we are not obsolete. 

And maybe boredom is to blame for making love seemingly so hard to find nowadays. Whether it's loving yourself or loving someone else, you never know when you're going to grow tired of the person you're trying to love. 

It should be easy: love yourself by allowing yourself to grow and mature. Read a new book, learn a new skill, find a funny joke; just do something to keep yourself guessing and keep yourself from stagnating. In my opinion the love of another person should follow. If we prevent ourselves from stagnating then we should be easy to love. Everyone always says you need to love yourself before others will love you. I don't necessarily agree with that, but it isn't a bad principle to follow. 

But it doesn't always seem so easy to love yourself or those around you, does it? 

I guess what we should be searching for in love is someone who challenges us. Someone who day in and day out makes us ask questions about the reality we've become so sure of. I think we need someone whose intelligence scares us, someone whose beauty we gawk at, someone who makes us think. If we find someone who can make us see the world from a different perspective then our life will be significantly better.

It's easy to go through life searching for people who feel the exact same way we do. Instead of doing that maybe we should find someone who tells us that our opinions are crazy. Argue with them, debate against them, compromise with them if you must, and then scare the hell out of them by loving them. You want to find someone who complements you, not someone who could be substituted for you. 

We're all searching for that one person to cling to for eternity; our partner in crime and the one who makes us feel truly alive. So go out and find that person. Do so by speaking confidently, listening intently, and laughing uncontrollably. You'll know when you've found them because they'll be the one listening to your confident words, filling your ears with their own assertive voice, and laughing uncontrollably along with you.

That's all for now. The thought well has run dry. Til next time.

NP: Lost in My Mind- The Head And The Heart

PCB

It sucks that I have to write this blog with a heavy heart knowing that our baseball season is over. I haven't been this sad in a long time. Truth be told, I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for all those seniors that aren't going to get to play another meaningful game again. Sure, they might pick up a bat in an adult league game or some slow pitch, beer league softball game, but they won't play another game that meant as much as these PCB games did. 

The weekend started off as well at it could when we shellacked Drexel and mercy ruled them. Then today things took a quick turn for the worse. We hit the ball alright against Delaware, unfortunately they pounded the ball and beat us handily. Which meant we had to play another game against Drexel for a shot at the championship. We battled back and forth and we just came up short. Plain and simple we didn't do enough to win. We had a team talk at the end of the game which made it all a lot more real. Hearing Fitz, Bags, and Cunliffe talk about the season brought it all into perspective. We did a lot of great stuff this year and we have nothing to be ashamed of. But you can't help but feel like there was something else, a feeling like it wasn't supposed to be over just yet.

I didn't know when or where our season would end, only that eventually it would end. I think that we all believed we'd get to play in the World Series. At the very least we all expected one more day together. And the shitty part is that we didn't get that day. Instead, our season ended on a dreary, rainy day in upstate New York. 

I believe I can do two things for these seniors. I can thank them for what they did for me and this team, and I can help move PCB in the right direction next year. Since next year is a while away and today's loss is still stinging, I'll thank the seniors. Thanks Green and Bradburn for always giving me something to laugh about and for showing me how PCB can give you a best friend. Thanks Murr for always having such a positive demeanor and being such a good guy. Thanks Rota for the profession your going into (one I have the utmost respect for) and for the constant reminder that you'd probably beat my ass. Thanks ADP for always giving me a hard time and for throwing absolute gas. Thanks McCue for showing what a great center fielder looks like and for giving us somewhere to have parties/chill. Thanks Bags for a nice WPIAL presence on the team and for being an all around leader. Thanks Greenfield for being one of the most genuinely good guys I've ever met and for teaching me to learn how to love. Thanks Brett for all those stupid quirks of yours that kept the mood light and for welcoming me to the team. Thanks Fitz for everything you did for this team: from giving up playing to putting his entire being into the team. And finally, thanks Cunliffe for all the advice you've given me and got for not cutting me when I showed up to tryouts in black pants and rec specs. 

That takes care of the thank yous for now. Even though no amount of thanks yous would ever be enough to thank these guys for what they did for me this year. 

This year baseball was fun again. It was more fun than it ever was in high school. This year baseball was meaningful and it was competitive. We were competitive. Every time I took the field I expected to win, and honestly that was the first time in a long time that I felt that way. Until regionals we never put out the same lineup two games in a row. It's pretty cool to think that we were able to compete like we did without the same kids on the field. 

Like I said before, we accomplished a lot this year. We had a great record. We went 6-1 in Florida. And for the first time in PCB history we were ranked #1 in the country. 

We didn't do what we planned on doing this year, but we did have some fun and we definitely made some memories. 

As I sit here in this hotel room I can look back on the season and laugh at some of the crazy shit that happened. We didn't make it to the World Series but we made some unforgettable memories, and maybe at the end of the day that's enough. No trophy or ranking in the world would ever be able to replace the memories and friendships I've made this year. 

Looking back to the end of the game I realize I didn't cry. Which is unusual for someone as emotional as me. But I realized why I didn't cry today. Today wasn't for me to cry about. Today wasn't about me and if I cried it would've been me making it about me. Sure, I'm sad that these seniors are gone, but I'm not gonna cry about it because I know that I'll see them all again. 

PCB has been the best part of Pitt so far. There is no debate about it. I'm eternally thankful that the guys didn't cut me (even though after the first day of tryouts I was destined to never play competitive baseball again). I'm already looking forward to next year and dreaming about the possibilities. 

NP: Drive- Incubus 

Oneonta

Some sights you see are humbling beyond belief. After playing an all-around solid game of baseball and coming away with a 12-2 win I was humbled by something I saw when we got back to the hotel parking lot. 

I pulled into the lot way faster than I care to admit, but I slowed down when I saw a young boy walking by himself. From there we saw around 8 or 9 mentally handicapped people headed into the hotel. I guess that Down syndrome doesn't discriminate because this group was as diverse as they come. They were young and old, black and white, big and small. 

As we drove by an older, white woman with a floppy sun hat waved to us with a smile on her face like we were an old friend of hers. So naturally I put my arm out the window and waved back. As we rolled by I heard her exclaim to her friends, "See I know everybody here! Told ya so," and I couldn't help but smile at her little quirk. 

It's events like that where you just have to thank god or whatever greater power you believe in for everything you have. The world isn't fair and not everyone is dealt a proper hand. 

But you know what? Sometimes it's people with the worst draw who seem the happiest, and the people with the best draw who seem the most miserable. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it isn't about what's given to you, it's about how you react to it. (Charles Swindoll said that first but I paraphrased it.)

That's it really. Just a minute of my day that really stuck out to me. 

NP: Nine in the Afternoon- Panic! At the Disco 

Thoughts At Home

So I've been home alone all day since my parents & Jenny are on their way to a wedding. I would've gone, but PCB was supposed to have a series of games in Syracuse this weekend that got cancelled pretty last minute. So for the most part I've spent my day on the couch watching television shows and movies. I started with Die Hard, watched some Rugby, some Antiques Roadshow, and finished off with some Criminal Minds. 

While watching Criminal Minds there was a quote at the end of an episode that I really agreed with. It goes like this...

"There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. People we can't live without but have to let go."

I think each part of that is true in its own respect so I'll talk about each one individually. 

First, "there are things we don't want to happen but have to accept." I guess you could say this sums up my opinion of things when the world seems to be crashing down. In my life I have met a lot of people who stick to the idea that "everything happens for a reason." I'm not one of those people. I don't think that things like the Holocaust or Columbine happened for a reason. Or on a different level something like childhood cancer. You can't give me one good reason why senseless violence or innocent kids dying has to happen. Now I do believe that we can learn from everything that happens. With that being said, I still don't think learning from something like that is a reason for it to happen. Wouldn't the world be a better place had we never learned what mass murder or genocide was? Wouldn't those lives outweigh any knowledge gained? However, awful things happen and evil does exist, and we just have to learn to accept them as they happen. 

"Things we don't want to know but have to learn." I think this goes hand in hand with what I just stated. As we navigate the course of our life we have to learn things we wish we didn't. That's just a part of growing up. Growing up entails a lot of different truths: truths about people and the world around you, truths about your family, and truths about yourself. Sometimes those truths will be ugly, horrible truths and sometimes they'll be spectacular, awe-inspiring truths...but I guess I don't totally agree with the last part of this statement that says "HAVE to learn." Sometime when I was growing up my mom told me a story about the priest at her wedding. She said that the priest told her there were some things better left unsaid. He told her that if it's going to make someone's life better for them to not know then they don't need to know. And I guess I agree with him. Some truths are better left in the back of your mind because sometimes people need to be protected from truths that could hurt them. 

And now, "People we can't live without but have to let go." If you asked me six months ago if I agreed with this statement I'd have a much different answer than I do today. I think that in life we meet four different types of people: people who are just supposed to brush up against us, people supposed to be there for one specific situation, people who come into our lives for a while who have to leave, and people who we'd be stupid not to keep around forever. The brusher uppers are people we pass by on the street and give a friendly hello to. One situation people are the people we meet in high school, at a job, or in college who we have no real connection to but are forced to be around. The ones who have to leave are who the quote is about. They're the people who we learn to love that we can't seem to live without. But the truth of the matter is that we're supposed to live without them, we have to live without them. These are the people you can tell aren't content with what you have to offer or maybe they're at a different stage of their life than you. They're the hardest to let go of because a lot of time, when they leave, we aren't sure why they left. Finally, It should be obvious who we're supposed to keep around forever...they're the people we see ourselves reflected in, the people who bring out the very best in us, and the people who see us for what we really are. Don't let them go. They come in handy. 

That's all I have for today.

NP: JOY- Elli Goulding

Sophomore Year

A few days ago I finished my sophomore year at the University of Pittsburgh. That means I am halfway done with my college career. That fact is one that both intrigues me and scares the living hell out of me. I'm eager to see what the world has in store for me (or rather what I have in store for it), but at the same time I've become so infatuated and at peace in the microcosm that is Oakland. This year was the first year when I would come back from school and be uncertain whether I was returning home or leaving it.

I guess I'm lucky in that sense. Some people never feel that comfortable at school or where they were raised. I guess I have to attribute that to the people I've been surrounded by for my whole life. While perusing various social media sites I'll stumble across various posts or tweets or comments that bash the same place I grew up in. I mean, I get it, the Oakdale/Imperial area isn't exactly the most luxurious place to grow up in. With that being said I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Because if I traded away this place I grew up in, I would be trading away the biggest parts of myself. I owe 95% of who I am today to the people and places within a 10 mile radius of my house.

It isn't glamorous, but it's where I'm from and it's who I am.

And honestly, the kids I see complaining about wanting to get out are the same ones who never do. And for the most part, they're the same kids who think that this town and this school district are holding them back. When in reality they're being afforded every opportunity needed to succeed.

I can say that with 100% certainty because I know that if I fail it won't be because of where I'm from, it'll be because of me.

Luckily, I don't plan on failing.

With all that being said this school year was a great one. I joined two great organizations and met an absurd amount of new people. In a matter of eight months I came in contact with and fell out of touch with dozens of people. I made some new best friends and had some run ins with people I'm not particularly fond of.

I've come to realize that it isn't about how many new contacts you put in your phone, rather it's about the numbers, names, and faces that pop up every day. You know, the names that just can't seem to get rid of in your messages list or your call log. Those are the people that matter. Those are the ones worth a damn.

I think college is as much about grades and learning as it is finding people you give a damn about. Not so much in the sense that you need people to keep you company, but that you need to find something or someone to care about. The fact of the matter is that I'll never care about my academics or my job as much as I care about people. (I think that's pretty intuitive and universally agreed upon, but maybe my redundancy is actually necessary.) So like I said, academics don't carry as much weight as my personal interactions. While it's all well and good to write an A+ paper, it'll always be more rewarding to have a good conversation with a close friend. And taking a chance on a date with a pretty girl will always be more worth it than an extra hour of studying.

That's because when it comes down to it, years from now, what am I going to remember? Will it be the two questions I missed on a psych exam or the polaroid my best friends and I took at a hockey game? I'll soon forget how tired I was on any given Saturday, but what I won't forget are the memories made on my roof the night before.

Nobody reminisces about college and says, "Boy do I wish I slept more." It just doesn't happen like that.

I'm also slowly realizing that it's better to overreact than to come across as apathetic. They don't write books about people who barely care. They write books about the people who gave a shit. The best books are the ones about people who didn't bite their tongue.

The people who spoke out, spoke loudest, and spoke intelligently are the ones who get remembered.

Which means it's better to say what's on your mind than to assume somebody knows it.

If nothing else I like to think I spoke my mind this year. I like to think my words reached more ears than ever before, and I can only hope that they were properly received. Admittedly I'm not as poetic and coherent as I think I am, but maybe, just maybe, I manage to put together something with a little substance from time to time.

With another year in the books (no pun intended) I find myself incessantly checking my term grades, looking for final grades to be posted. But like I said earlier, I'm learning that more and more these grades mean less to me. My boss isn't going to be as concerned with my GPA as he is with both my ability to communicate and my previous experiences. Textbooks don't give you experience. Textbooks give you declarative knowledge but life gives you procedural knowledge. And 9 times out of 10 procedural knowledge will be worth more.

Enough about this schooling mumbo jumbo for now, though.

I just want to thank everyone from this past school year who played a part in making it what it was.

I won't be forgetting any of the memories or friends that I've made this year.

NP: Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Finals Week Blues

So this morning marked the beginning of finals week here at Pitt. Some students will luck out with only one final exam while others will be weighed down with five. I find myself wandering somewhere in the middle with four. I can't complain about them though because two of them are already done and my other two aren't until Thursday.

I guess my main gripe with finals is the sheer amount of knowledge we're expected to memorize. (Note that I didn't say "learn" because I'm not totally convinced the purpose of most college classes is to learn the material.)

Finals week is portrayed in popular media as this horrible, sleep deprived, coffee binged, wish-you-were-dead atmosphere. And truthfully it can fit that exact portrayal if you let it. For example, Thursday I'm going to take an exam for Quant that is worth 40% of my grade. The more exams I take & the more I think about grades or GPAs the less I try care about them.

I've spent too much time beating myself up over the fact I might not keep an insanely high GPA for my throughout my college career. Sadly, it's pounded into young students' minds that you need that GPA to make yourself "marketable" and "employable." How can someone tell me what I'm worth based off of some number? I don't care if it's a 4.0, 3.6, 2.8, or a 2.0. It's a damn number. And sure, that number represents how you've done in your coursework.

But again, I ask, "Who cares?"

Maybe the problem is that I'm equating work success with life success.

Maybe a GPA is essential in finding the best workers, but who's measuring the really important numbers in my life?

What employer is concerned with the number of lives I've touched? Or the number of people I can make smile on a daily basis? Or the percent of my day I spend thinking about the world at large?

I guess that isn't for them to care about.

I just wish my resume wasn't so much about grades and past experiences. I wish it highlighted what I do on a daily basis and what I do each day to better myself.

I think the whole résumé building process is a scam. It's about embellishing our minimum wage jobs to make it look like we've been changing water to wine. "Are you sure you want to put cashier? Couldn't you say, 'Customer Transaction Manager?'" NO. I was a cashier for God's sake! I don't need to bullshit it. It is what it is!

I wish my résumé could be made up solely of comments about me from people in my life. I feel like that would be a far better representation of me than a list of job titles and activities I partake in. Frankly I don't care what jobs a person has worked or the activities they're involved in. I care about how they treat those people around them, how they react under pressure, and what they're made of.

I'd rather learn about someone's moral fiber than about their role in the finance club. I just don't think enough emphasis is put on being a good person or standing for something.

We're here at college for 4 years and when we're done they give us a piece of paper.

That means that after almost 1500 days of our life the only material thing college leaves us with is a lone piece of paper.

Lemme show you a little equation I've come up with to summarize how college works based off of what you're guaranteed to give and guaranteed to receive.

Guaranteed to give:
1461 days of your life
$100,000 of your money

Guaranteed to receive:
1 piece of paper
1 judgment of your employability

That means... 1,460 days+100,000 dollars=1 piece of paper+1 judgment of employability.

Unless we add in another variable.
1,460 days+100,000 dollars= 1 piece of paper+1 judgment of employability+(x)

In my opinion that x is the real reason we come to college. The x is what makes it all worthwhile.

That x includes the relationships we build, the memories we make, the minutes of each day spent realizing that money doesn't matter, and the sheer moments of joy from finding ourselves in the right place at the right time.

Personally that last one is the most important.

There are hundreds of times a semester when I question why I'm here at college. I tell myself it's trivial and that my time could be better spent somewhere else. And then, occasionally, I'll have moments of pure ecstasy. I'll be overcome by the notion that things, even if for just one moment, are exactly how they should be.

You only know those moments when you're in them. Things like hours of uncontrollable laughter with my friends, fleeting seconds where my gaze and smile are reciprocated by a beautiful girl, the rush of adrenaline after finishing a long run, or the 3 blocks of invincibility felt walking right down the middle of Forbes Avenue.

Those are the moments I stick around for.

I swear I've felt it. I must've felt it.

Because what else would keep me going?

Certainly not some piece of paper.

NP: Boy With A Coin- Iron & Wine

Birthday Season

So my 20th birthday was this past Saturday and it has come and gone just as swiftly as it does every year. I had a tough time finding the significance of a twentieth birthday, but a close friend pointed out to me that it's the end of your teenage years. She said that there might be times we're sad that it's over, but that the nice thing is we can always act like a kid, it's something that never leaves us.

Anyway, birthdays are great for a lot of reasons. The most obvious reason being the fact that we get presents.

Whether it's something store bought and material or something sentimental made by hand, the fact of the matter is that presents are fun to get. We can kid ourselves and say that we don't need or want anything for our birthday, but when it comes time to unwrap a present we rip through the wrapping paper like savages.

Another reason birthdays are nice is because we usually get a chance to talk to or see our family when we might not on any other normal day. Without family, birthdays wouldn't mean nearly as much. 

One final reason why birthdays are so great is that you get to see who comes out of the woodwork to wish you a happy birthday. As long as you're enslaved by the social media deathtrap that is Facebook, you will receive impersonal birthday wishes from your virtual 'friends.' I received an enormous amount of Facebook-wished happy birthdays. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I won't ever turn down a happy birthday wish, I'm just saying it only counts for so much. The real birthday wishes are texts, phone calls, or an actual face to face interaction. 

Now that I've spoken in general about birthdays I feel I should talk about my own.

I had an awesome birthday. 

Friday night when midnight rolled around I was surrounded by my teammates. It was nice to spend the first few hours of my birthday with my newest group of friends.

I got to see my family for breakfast a few hours later and it was as delightful and uncensored as usual. It was nice having mom, dad, and Jenny all there. I guess I forget how, um, dynamic my family is when we're all together. (Yes, dynamic is just a polite way of saying that we're dysfunctional and deranged.) In addition to seeing them, it's always nice to show my favorite breakfast place to four new people.

After breakfast I sort of just hung out. Didn't go anywhere or do anything too crazy...Except helping to make a blueberry pie,. That was pretty insane given my baking history. I just hung out and talked and enjoyed my day. And after spending the majority of the day relaxing I got to go to the Pirates game. It was a bit chilly, but it was a gorgeous, clear night and I had great company. Plus it was fireworks night and that was the perfect way to end to my day. 

Looking back I received an incredible amount of birthday texts and calls and I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky to have so many people in my life reaching out to me to make my day special. 

So thank you to everyone who made my day what it was. Whether you were a birthday caller, texter, or whether I got to spend my day with you, you made my day extremely special. 

I'll end with some poetry because why not? 
(Admittedly I just threw this together in a few minutes, so don't expect much from it.)

The Birth of City Lights
I'm born out of darkness, 
shown light for the first time.
So I cry,
for the light is new.
If only I knew then,
how light inspires life.

As I grow,
I befriend the light.
Chasing her,
in her many forms.
Flick a switch for light,
or close your eyes for night.

Over time I've found light,
in early morning sunlight,
and midnight moonlight,
in a candlelight vigil,
and a passing car's headlight.

So I feel I've come to know light,
to love light,
to see light.
Whether light as natural as the stars,
or the glimmering manmade city lights.

I've seen so much light,
contrasting so well with the dark.
And yet,
I don't know the prettier sight.
A firework's glow that lit up the skyline,
or the smile that lit up your face.

NP: Flowers In Your Hair- The Lumineers