more poetry

I don't know what it is, but I just keep cranking out poems. I'll be walking to class & say something to myself, and I act like it's the greatest thing anyone has ever said. So I write it down and then when I get home it all culminates in what you're reading. They're nothing special, probably mediocre at best, but they're original and they mean something to me. I hope you guys enjoy.

You
Being with you is a drug,
or a dream within a dream,

one that I keep coming back to.

And laying next to you a maze,

I don't know which way to go,
so most times I lay motionless and safe.

Staring at you is tranquil, 

there's nowhere else to look,
and nothing else I need to see.

Fleeting moments with my arms around you,

coupled with fleeting words I never utter,
are the very things that eat at me. 

Funny how words unspoken,
carefully thought through and silenced,
are the words that leave me out of breath.

Knowing you is enigmatic,

because trusting you is easy, 

and leaving you is painful, 

but telling you how I feel is somewhere in between. 

When I'm with you I'm lost,
but I'm so very at peace with being lost. 

Maybe because your smile on a lonely day,
is like seeing the stars after months in the city,
it makes me feel I have somewhere I belong. 

And even though we're so physically close,

I wonder how far apart our thoughts are.
Because, you see, the incongruence between perceptions,
could be the downfall of everything. 

Even though all I ever wanted,

was to be whatever you needed.

So if you ever wonder what's on my mind,
late at night, before the lights go out,

chances are, it's you.


The Past

Let's take our pasts & package them up,
move them to the attics of our being.

Out of sight and out of mind,
where none of the present will see it. 

The past will not control the present,
so long as we believe it.

We've been around the world,
met a lot of people.
Kissed more of them than we're proud of,
and felt less joy than we should have.
But those were yesterdays feelings,
and today will never feel that way.

What a sad world it would be if our past was inescapable,

no salvation, no chance for recovery.

But the past is the past,

and the present is a gift.

So leave your baggage behind, 

and show me who you are today.

Spring Break 2014

So this past week was my Spring Break. I was fortunate enough to spend the week playing baseball in Florida. Not only was I lucky enough to go south for the week, but I also got to spend it with some of the best guys I know, my teammates. I'll give you a recap of the week as best I can.

So the Florida trip was a big week for us that was filled with big moments. We went into the week ranked number 3 in the nation. The thing about being ranked number 3 in March is that we haven't really proved to anyone (including ourselves) that we deserve to be there. Also, it means that every loss we have will be viewed under a microscope, and that every team will be gunning for us. We planned on seeing most team's ace. Which is fine. I think we handled the pressure well.

We ended up going 6-1 on the trip with our only loss coming to Marquette. We beat Bowling Green for the first time which was a big thing for us, and we also held off some good teams like Virginia Tech and NC State. I think our mindset after the week shows what we expect from ourselves. When you go 6-1 and aren't totally satisfied you know you have a good team. We shouldn't have dropped that game to Marquette but maybe losing one was good for us. We got hit in the mouth and got to taste defeat. And I don't think anyone liked it very much. I think the trip reminded me what makes a good baseball team as well as a good baseball player. Good teams are ones who put out a consistent lineup even when they aren't using the same players in each position. I feel like, for the most part, we did that. Good teams also win and lose together and I think we did that as well. Good teams eat together, play together, party together, laugh together, and pick each other up. This week in Florida we did all of that. I also got to watch my teammates and I realized our team is made up of individually sound players. We have guys on the team who know their role. Middle relievers know they might come in and throw one inning, and they work hard to do that to the best of their ability. Other guys know they might be called on to pinch hit or pinch run at any point. And I think everyone is okay with their role. So not only do we have good players, but we have a good team. And a good team dynamic made up of good players is going to be tough to beat. Also, it was sweet seeing a decent fan base in Florida. Whether it was players' parents or the softball team it felt good having support so many miles from home. (So thank you to anyone who came and watched our games!) It was also fun to go support the softball team at their games. I'm sure I'll find myself at some more of their games as the semester wears on.

Like I said the week was filled with big moments. Moments like beating Bowling Green. But it was also filled with little moments made up of comments said in passing. Like when Pat and I drove to pick up the guys from the bar and Pat said "I love country music because it makes you think about the small moments. But, like, when you're listening you know exactly how to feel. Like those small moments feel a lot bigger and more significant. Like this song right here, it reminds me of my ex girlfriend." And Pat was right, country music does give you that nostalgic feeling that makes a small moment feel significantly larger. I guess the real point behind this isn't that country music makes you feel a certain way, the point is that this past week was filled with smaller moments that will mean a lot to me for years to come. They're small moments, but they're moments with some of my best friends, and that's why they'll never fade. 

Looking back on this past week I have some shocking stats to reflect on. I spent a day and a half (~36 hours) in the car with Fitz, Bagdz, and Greenfield, and I spent 7 nights in a room with Semetti, Schroll, and Toby. 

That's a lot of time with the same people. And honestly I didn't get bored or tired of anybody I was with. I couldn't have asked for better roommates or teammates to spend my week with. 

We went to Florida thinking we were a good, cohesive team. But I think we left Florida knowing we're even more than that. 

We're a group of best friends intent on picking each other up and never letting each other down. 

And that is a dynamic that's hard to match.

NP: Cocoa Butter Kisses- Chance The Rapper

Poetry Stuff

Just a few poems I've written these past few weeks. Nothing much to them. Just thoughts and such. Enjoy...



The Day
When I look out my window,
a sunrise is more than that.
It's an red-orange epiphany,
telling me that the good outweighs the bad.
Because darkness is temporary,
like most of life's pain.

That's why we wake up,
to seize the day.
For a chance to chase the sun,
as it illuminates a path.
So I walk the cracked sidewalks,
and see those who came before.

And in class I see my peers,
who I'll never really know.
Because our time together is limited,
so we have to pick who to waste it with.
But if we enjoy the waste,
is it really wasted time at all?

I doubt it. 



Her
Maybe it was the way you looked,
      that first night we met.
Or it could've been your laugh,
      I heard across the room.

But perhaps it was neither,
      instead just me.
Me, looking at you,
      wondering if this could be it.
That love at first sight,
      first love with no fight.
Your voice slipped out,
     and it was the kindest I'd ever heard. 

I'd be crazy to think,
       all these euphoric smiles means nothing.
Because I got lost in your eyes,
       and fell in love with your words.
I listened to every story you told,
      watching your lips dance around.

And I hope you don't know,
        how all of this feels.
A constant bombardment of words and emotions,
       always being kept at bay.
Because losing you would definitely be,
      the one thing that unravels me.

So I sit here content with just knowing you,
      knowing fully well how I feel.
I sit next to you wondering,
      if I've lost my mind.
Or if you already stole it,
      like you did my heart.


Lucky Penny

A lucky penny. 

     Worn. 
Beaten. 
     Spent. 
Thrown around. 
     Dropped and forgotten.

But still, 
     sitting heads up is lucky. 

Any other way,
     it isn't desirable.

So keep your head up.

     Because we're all beat to hell. 

We're all scratched,
      and we're all scarred.

But we're all worth something.

Were such a small part
     of this place we inhabit.

And yet to someone, 
     we can be just what they need. 

Maybe for one day, 
     or maybe forever.

But we won't know,
     if we don't have our head up. 

Because if we keep our heads up, 
     we might catch someone's eye 
           while their head is down. 

And maybe that'll be the day 
     we change their life.

Thoughts on Dawson

I just feel like sometimes we're so caught up in growing up that we forget how to be young. We ignore those feelings we used to get in our younger years. We dismiss them as yesterday's feelings, neglect them because we're "grown up now and that kind of stuff isn't realistic." I'm beginning to think that thinking that way is totally backwards. Being young isn't a bad thing, and it isn't a sin to dream of something that might not happen. Sometimes we all need to regress back to those elementary school or middle school days.

You know, days when kickball at lunch was a guarantee? Days where a trip to the library wasn't to study for an exam but to check out a book you actually wanted to read. The days where you'd get off the school and run to your house, excited to see what mom was making for dinner.

Those were less stressful days. I won't call them better days because my days here are incredible and life-changing, but I'll be damned if adding and subtracting fractions doesn't sound more enticing than the time value of money.

I'm not sure what sparked this exactly. Maybe I've been feeling some sort of way that I haven't felt in a while. I'm not totally sure.

All I know is that it's okay to feel something you haven't felt in a long time. Whether it's a sense of understanding, or a feeling of pure ecstasy, or just feeling at peace with yourself and where you're at. Allow yourself to feel everything you feel. Don't push something away because it isn't congruent with how you think you should feel. That'll only add stress to your life.

So whether it's staying up later than you should, crushing on that older girl, or laughing at an immature joke, let yourself go.

Cut yourself some slack because we're all kids somewhere deep down. 

Run home from class, jump in every puddle, eat a snack before bed, dream of what you really want to be, tell your mom and dad you love them, go to sleep, wake up, and realize that for the most part you're just a taller version of your five year old self.

Just do what it takes to smile.

NP: The World At Large- Modest Mouse

I Appreciate It

It's been a while since I blogged last. Not sure why that is really. I can't claim to be too busy because that's anything but true. Sure, there's always something I could be studying, but how often am I doing exactly what I need to be doing? I'd venture to say it's a rare occurrence. I'm working on it though. I'm really good at pissing away time and then finding little periods of productivity. Like right now for instance. Just finished lifting and I have twenty minutes before intramural soccer so I figured I'd blog. I could be studying accounting, but...yeah, like I said, I'm working on my time management.

The purpose of this blog was to let everyone around me know how thankful I am for anything they've done for me.

Between classes, the Pi, and PCB I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. Thankfully I have a lot of people around me to keep me grounded. I have the best group of friends in the world, and they make studying so much easier. I also have resources like my mom and Pap who help keep schoolwork under control and keep my head on my shoulders.

As far as the Pi goes I have another separate support system in place there. My initiate class keeps me motivated to go to events. When push comes to shove the Pi really isn't all that demanding. As long as I get my stuff done I'll be fine.

Really the most thanks I have is for the PCB guys. Even though our coach is only a few years older than me I respect the hell out of him for what he did. Fitz is one strong son of a bitch. Giving up the game he loves to put all his focus on coaching us. It takes a big person to do that. All the other guys on the team are just as important. I respect every last one of them and my biggest fear is letting one of them down. That's why I do my best to get to the gym every day and bust my ass at practice. While Fitz has done an incredible job planning practices and mediating everything I owe Cunliffe a big thanks. (And this isn't just to get the hoodie he promised me.) I've had a lot of coaches in my life but very few have approached helping me the way he has. He knows what he's talking about and he's taken the time recently to help me refine my game one on one. That means a lot since he's a player just like I am. It means even more since he won't be here next year. I'd love nothing more than to be able to help someone next year the way he's helped me.

I can't begin to think about all the seniors who won't be here next year. From PCB as well as other senior friends. But for now I won't think about that. Too much time left to think about it in a negative light.

I guess I'm thankful for more than just my usual friends, the PCBers, and the Pi people.

I'm thankful for all the new people in my life too.

The people who listen to me rant about my life, and the people who rant about theirs right back.

I've made some great, new friends this semester, and I hope they stick around.

I'm thankful today. And I will be again tomorrow. And everyday after that.

I'm thankful for baseball, poetry, and ice skating. The Olympics, Harper's Island, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and a lot of other stuff too.

NP: Ashley- Big Sean ft. Miguel

Early Sunday Morning

*we live in cities you never see on tv*

Sitting on a wood chair out on my fire escape I'm looking out. 

Not at anything or anyone in particular.

Just looking, really.

Trying to figure out what everyone who walks past is thinking. 

Boys with boys, girls with girls, and boys with girls.

Where are they all headed?

*I'm naughty by nature like a hip hop hooray*

Some seem to rush.

But others have nowhere to be.

And I guess that for them walking anywhere is better than sitting somewhere.

*are you gonna stay the night*

But I'm content right here.

Watching them all. 

Seeing myself.

In the lone passerby.

And in the group. 

And off in the distance where I can't see anything but streetlights and houses.

I'm there.

Under the streetlights.

In the houses. 

*sippin on coke and rum I'm like so what I'm drunk*

And I think there's gotta someone just like me.

Sitting somewhere. 

Thinking about everyone else.

Not realizing that maybe they should think about them self first.

*mother fucking animals*

Animals. 

I guess that's it. 

NP: the italics above

Week's Review

This week hasn't proven to be my best one of the year. It's been an all around pretty crappy week. Losing housing is up there at the very top of the list of worst things to happen. Luckily if that's the worst thing that happens to me in 2014 I'll have a damn good year.

I've just been thinking a lot about this perceived "rut" of mine. Truth be told I let some things bug me way too much. Things that aren't worth my time.

But I've also realized there are some things I cannot seem to avoid. I get a feeling a lot of the time when something new comes into my life that maybe it's something good. I feel like "maybe this is it, this is what it's all about." And then as time goes by I realize that it wasn't anything special. It was just another thing. Not to say that is a bad thing. Everything in my life means something to me. It's just that I'm looking for something with a little substance. I'm looking for something worthwhile.

And I haven't found it at the bottom of any shot glasses. Or in the crowds of people in my lecture halls. I'll catch a glimpse of what I perceive to be a worthwhile endeavor but soon enough it fades to nothingness.

It's out there though.

Just gotta keep looking.

NP: Alone Together- Fall Out Boy