finale

So today I finished the last episode of Scrubs. There's no denying it is arguably my favorite tv series ever. I hate when you finally get to the end of a television series that you really like. You're so used to having something to look forward to that when it's gone you feel a little empty. Thankfully Scrubs ended just the way I would have wanted. The ending montage was nothing short of perfect. 

I feel like some shows are really able to connect with you. Scrubs was that way with me. Each of the main characters, at one point or another, was my favorite. I was able to connect with what was happening and I saw people from my life in those characters. 

JD and Turk essentially are Jared and Dave. 

My favorite part of the series were all the different thoughts and quotes JD would have. One in particular from this episode got to me...

"I guess it's because we all wanna believe that what we do is very important. That people hang onto our every word. That they care what we think. The truth is you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone feel a little bit better. After that it's all about the people that you let into your life."

I know I'm one of those people. 

Who wants to believe I'm important. Who wants people to hang onto every word I say. Who wants people to care what I think.

Truth be told very few people will believe I'm important, very few will hang onto anything I say, and even fewer will actually care what I think. But maybe if I find someone who does care I can convince them to stay. Maybe I can let them into my life, and maybe they'll let me into theirs. 

I feel there are around a dozen or so people whose lives I have impacted in a major way. I'm not sure if all twelve or thirteen would know I was talking about them or not, but I can only hope so. 

NP: Snow- Red Hot Chili Peppers

life update

I'm starting to see new things. I see opportunities everywhere I look. I see things around me that I never noticed before. And it isn't because these things are magically appearing. 

It's me that's changing. And by allowing myself to change I am able to see my world change around me. I'm seeing things from a different perspective. 

I see someone as my replacement now instead of my competition. 

I see new endeavors, new prospects, and new challenges. 

I like what I am seeing and I like the new me. I'm getting better at being alone. I'm waking up with less complaints. I'm being more positive. 

It isn't that I'm having a great day everyday, it's that I'm finding something great even on my bad days.

I've really found my niche here at school. Club baseball has really played a huge part in that. When I tried out I was unsure how I'd be received by the other guys on the team if I were to make it. Now that we've had several series of games I see how I fit in. The trip to Cornell was one of my favorite trips with any team. Not only did we sweep Cornell, but I got to bond with all the guys on the team. Driving there and back was long, but the guys in my car made it much more bearable. Aside from the games and the guys, Cornell was absolutely beautiful. Upstate New York is scenic as ever. 

This past weekend we finished up another series sweep and I think I've solidified the nickname "Wildcard." I'm not sure if it comes from my reckless base running at Cornell, my outlandish comments made on a daily basis, or a mixture of both. But whatever it is, I like it. The guys on the team love to bust my balls by calling me "Tommy No Range," but it's all in good fun. Plus that let's me make pokes at them as well. 

All in all, being back to playing baseball is probably the best thing to happen to me this year.

That's not to say that the fraternity hasn't had a big impact on me because it has. If I do manage to get in (which I really hope I do) then I'll have another group of people to hang with. Our initiate class is awesome. The best part about it is how different we all are. Each of us is unique in one way or another. The five guys are all very different and the same goes for the girls. Our uniqueness along with our dysfunction makes everything a hell of a lot of fun. 

Between baseball and Pi stuff I've been slightly overwhelmed the past few weeks, but if it all works out then it will have been worth the time. 

Now that baseball is over for the semester I need to get back in the gym. I wanna put in all the work I can so I can play whatever role I need to. I would love nothing more than to be playing baseball in late May. Our team has a lot of potential. We just need to make sure we want it bad enough. 

That's all for now. Figured I'd catch you all up on what's going on in my life. 

NP: Hey Ya- Obadiah Parker

sounds of silence

You know those few minutes when you're laying in bed before you doze off.
When everything around you is, for the most part, silent? 
But then your ears adjust to the silence and you begin to hear everything. 
Maybe the ticking of a clock on the wall.
Then a group of girls laughing as they pass by outside.
Possibly the ceiling fan as it whirls around above you. 
But then your ears adjust to all those sounds. 
And now you hear the one sound you should be accustomed to. 
Your voice. 
But you hear it in your head because you're thinking. 
Then you think about the fact you can hear yourself think.
And it's rather unsettling.
So you try your hardest to fall asleep, but you keep hearing yourself.
And your thoughts shift from the moment you're in to the moments that make up your life.
You think of him or her.
You think of home.
You think of where your life is headed.
You think of all the "what ifs."
And, if you're lucky, after a few seconds true silence will take over.
And sometimes silence is exactly what you need.

NP: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight- The Postal Servie

#WAHOOWA

I wasn't sure what to expect when I pulled into the parking garage at the Grand Marc in Charlottesville this past Friday night. The drive down had been long & rainy and in the process of leaving Pittsburgh all hell had seemingly broke loose. 

15 minutes before we were set to leave Pitt a friend of a friend needed taken to UPMC Presby because she fainted and smashed her face off a wall. 30 minutes before the unexpected trip to the hospital I got tagged with a parking ticket for $30...for being 10 minutes late to the meter. 

Needless to say I was under the impression that anything that could go wrong this trip probably would. 

So when Jared, Dave, and I pulled ino the parking garage after 5 and a half hours in the car I felt very relieved. Amanda greeted us with a big smile and showed us to her apartment which was absolutely gorgeous. (100 times nicer but twice as expensive as anything you'll find in South O.)

Then she introduced us to her roommate/best friend/twin, Kara.

Amanda had told me all about this girl but meeting her came as a pleasant surprise. Amanda said that Kara and her were practically attached at the hip. She said Kara was a pretty, lively, smart, and fun girl. I'd say that Amanda's description was pretty darn accurate. When we were first introduced to her I was sure that she'd never buy into our stupid sense of humor...but boy was I wrong. By the end of the trip we had her saying stupid shit like "ANIMAL" "You're Unreal" and "No No No". She also found the Harry Potter Wingardium Leviosa video funny. (Needless to say she's a keeper in our book.)

The trip to Virginia ended up being one the best weekends I've had in as long as I can remember. It wasn't because we did anything especially adventurous or crazy. We sort of just sat around and laughed the way we always have. Amanda showed us UVA's campus, which is beautiful, and then we sort of just chilled at her apartment before we went out to dinner.

In a matter of 43 hours in Virginia we managed to eat out at 4 different places and explored a large part of the campus. I know that everyone involved in this trip (especially Amanda) spent a lot of money to make it happen. And as much as I complain about money being tight if there is one thing I don't mind splurging on it's my friends & family. You couldn't put a price on this trip...much the same way Kara refused to put a price on her show horse.

The best trips are the ones where you don't do much but feel as if you've accomplished a lot. For me it was sitting on the balcony at Amanda's with three of my oldest friends just talking about life and where we were all headed.

I think that the best people to keep in your life are the ones you can talk about the past, the present, and the future with. It's good to remember where you're from, necessary to know where you're at, and perfectly acceptable to have no idea where you're going. A good conversation will include a healthy mix of all three.

When I'm with my best friends we always have all three.

When Sunday rolled around I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed. The worst part about having such a great weekend is the reality of coming back from it. Luckily we all got to see Aunt Pam before heading back.

The drive back was just as rainy as the drive down, but when we got to the Pennsylvania state line the clouds broke. I guess that was nature's way of telling me where I belonged.

Not gonna lie though, I wouldn't mind spending more time down in Charlottesville.

Be it visiting Amanda and Kara or actually taking classes.

It really was a pretty cool place.

Can't wait to get my UVA hat and fleece vest for Christmas!

NP: Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond 

a fine lunch

Occasionally you'll meet a person who isn't quite like any other person you've met before. No matter what you hear about them beforehand nothing prepares you. The encounter might be as short as an hour, but they have such a flamboyant personality that in those sixty minutes you learn so much about them.

The first thing she does is give everyone a big hug, which is expected based on what you've heard. From there you have no idea where this meeting will head. But after a simple lunch date you'll understand that what they say is true. She's one of a kind. If you talk to her a little and listen a lot, you'll find her to be humorous and serious, delightful and hard to forget. There are a few things made immediately obvious to you after lunch is over.

You can tell she loves her kids, is proud of them, and would do anything for them.

You sense she's spiritual because she mentions church and her bible study.

You see she cares about her figure (even though she's thin) because she talks about working out and eats a salad for lunch.

You get the feeling she has a young soul by the fullness of her voice and the confidence with which she speaks.

She jokes around a lot, but one thing she says is especially serious.

She mentions a lost child. A life that ended before it ever got to flourish. And you can see her face change as a look of sadness takes over. But then she mentions a different child. A girl she got to watch grow. Not her own, per se, but one she would grow to love as if she was. A beautiful, dark-haired girl that reminded her of what her daughter would have or could have been.

And just like that her smile is back.

And she's joking.

And she's asking questions.

About you and about the girl she watched grow up.

And since she's smiling you smile too. And you laugh. And you answer as best you can.

And then your lunch ends. And so does your visit to Virginia.

But it was a memorable one.

NP: The Girl- City and Colour

the real rushes in life

I think it is fair to say we have all had certain experiences in our lives that quite literally took our breath away. I experienced one of those moments tonight.

It wasn't anything monumental or life-changing, it was quite simply a ten minute bike ride home.

I can't tell you whether it was the fall breeze hitting me head on or the rush of riding a bike down Fifth Avenue, but somewhere along the way I was left speechless.

I was pedaling my hardest while cars zoomed by me on both sides. It wasn't like I was afraid though. I was totally at peace and totally in awe.

Taken aback by the fact that such a simple event could make me feel such joy.

For those ten minutes I had no worries of unfinished homework or any problems in my personal life. For ten minutes I just pedaled and smiled.

Smiled because nothing else mattered.

All my other obligations were set aside. I had nowhere to be, no one to meet, no one to answer to, and nothing to worry about.

Everything was in order.

All anxieties tossed aside I was able to feel at peace with myself. I thought of some things that made me laugh. And I took a second to tell myself I was proud of the person I'm becoming.

Like I said, nothing monumental, but day by day I'm becoming better.

At what exactly, I can't quite say. I think I'm getting better at being by myself truth be told. I need the company of others less and less. I also am less reliant on my phone.

I'm accepting where I am at in life and where I am headed.

Quite honestly I'm excited for my future.

As uncertain as it is I am excited. There's so much to do. So much to experience. So much to love.

And I'm still so very young.

For the moment everything is as it should be.

NP: Shot at the Night- The Killers

College Life

So this past weekend I got to play competitive baseball for the first time in 18 months. It felt so good to lace up my cleats, put on my jersey, and play for something. I guess that's what you don't get in intramurals. You play and it's competitive, but you aren't playing for something greater than yourself. Sure you have a team but there's no real legacy to be left. 

(Not that I'm claiming a club baseball legacy is much of a legacy.)

But still, there's the possibility. 

Aside from PCB I'm also now in PSP. (That's Phi Sigma Pi)

It's not a real frat in the sense of having to drink myself into oblivion to get in. This fraternity required I had above a 3.0. So far it's been a great way to meet new people.

I guess I'm really settling into this college life. I'm getting involved and I'm worrying about things less and less. 

And yet I still feel this void. I can't quite place where the void is, but late at night I feel it. When it's just me and my thoughts I think about it. Am I ambitious and want more or am I simply discontent? Do I have any reason to be discontent? 

The one thing about me thinking more is it gives me some stuff to write about. Some poems and such have come out of it and I'll share those with you later. 

For now I'm going to put on some music and drift off. This void I'm feeling can't bother me in my sleep.