500 Days of (Insert Name Here)

For my composition class we were supposed to watch our favorite/least favorite romantic movie. I decided to watch (500) Days of Summer. I encourage you all to watch it because I think it will end up being either your favorite or least favorite romantic film. For me it depends on my mood. When I went to bed last night it was my favorite and when I woke up this morning it was my least favorite. I guess it depends on what you have going on inside your head at the time.

I'll spare you the synopsis of the movie and instead talk, like I have so many times before, about love. I'll also focus in on chance and coincidence.

I'm not sure there is much I can say about love that I haven't said before. However, I recently read a piece of literature for my composition class called "Love's Labors" by Laura Kipnis that gave me a new way of looking at love (quite a cynical way, at that). While I find Ms. Kipnis's comparing of love and it's "labors" to a Marxist USSR  to be quite absurd I think she made some good points (as well as some I think are absurd).

Ms. Kipnis is quite cynical throughout her essay about love, marriage, and monogamy. She continually brings up adultery and desire which she refers to as "incurable". She asks time and time again why we work so hard for love whenever it ends up being ruined by desire, boredom, or because we have an idea of something grander. I think Ms. Kipnis is a bitter old woman truth be told. She is essentially saying that love is doomed and not worth a damn because it'll be ruined by one of the three forces aforementioned. She also proposes that one way to avoid being hurt is that we could just be emotionless. What kind of crap is that? We can't be emotionless and expect to be okay. And we can't not love because of desire.

Desire isn't a cancer to love, Ms. Kipnis, love is the force that quells desire. 

That's my little blurb for love. Now chance and coincidence.

I believe in chance but don't believe in fate. Is that backwards? Are the two really the same thing? I think of fate as something predetermined that is guaranteed to happen, but chance is when something happens based on an impulse. I view chance as missing a bus and meeting someone new, but fate as...damnit they're essentially the same thing. Maybe chance and fate are the same thing and coincidence is what I believe in. Yep, that's it. Coincidence is choosing to get coffee not lunch and meeting someone new. Damnit. I'm lost.

I believe that if something good falls through that something better is out there. That doesn't mean you should simply give up on the good expecting great to fall in your lap. It doesn't work that way. Fate isn't real. Maybe you'll get lucky and meet the great because of a coincidence, or maybe you'll meet the great because you man up and go for it. Maybe, just maybe we have more control than we think. Take control of your life and let coincidences play a minor role.

If you have 500 days to spend with someone I hope you do everything you can to keep them. I hope you show them what you love. I hope you let them in. I hope you take them out. I hope you make sure they know how you feel. I hope you make the most of those 500 days because you never know when things will change. Not because of desire or boredom, but simply because as time goes on, feelings change.

You can't predict what will come of 500 days, and you can't guarantee you'll have 500 days. All you can do is live one day at a time.

It's quite simple really. Take life one day at a time, hope for 500 days, and if you do it right you'll end up with a lot more than 500 days.

NP: She's Got You High-Mumm-ra 

Long Walks/ Varying Degrees of Alone

To whom it may concern. It's 2 am Labor Day morning. I'm walking home. By myself. I'm not sad though. I'm not even alone really. In some way that I can't quite describe I'm surrounded. When you know no one else is awake it's hard to feel alone. Loneliness is an emotion felt when people could be with you but aren't. When you're by yourself and everyone else is fast asleep you can rejoice knowing how much company awaits you later. 

I find myself watching the few people I pass on this walk. So far it's only been 1 girl. I passed her on the stairs and I couldn't help but notice how lonely she looked. Dressed up for a night out with friends she returned alone. I watched her pass and turned back to check on her after a few seconds. You always have to be looking out for people, always. Even when you're just as vulnerable you should lend a hand to help them feel just a tiny bit more comfortable. 

Now a group of people ahead of me. This group, 7 strong, still shows chinks in the armor. Out of 7 only 3 walk with a purpose. The rest lag behind. It's impossible to tell from my point of view if this group had too much to drink or not enough, truth be told the answers would probably vary from person to person.

And now 2 visibly intoxicated kids approach. Loud and obviously looking for some trouble. I put my head down and turn my music up. I have no interest in what they're saying.  I don't change my pace or my path. One intentionally bumps me but I refuse to acknowledge this feeble attempt at upsetting me. 

I pass through Towers lobby to see more friendly faces of freshman and also to reminisce. Back to those nights Greg and I would be in bed by 11 and not fall asleep until 1:30. Simply talking. Two new friends. Two best friends. I remember it all. And I don't plan on forgetting anytime soon. 

But memories have to be sidelined as I enter the muggy air once more. On Forbes I see more people. Friendly faces filled with smiles and unfriendly ones scouring at me.  

I turn down Meyran to finish my night. The only time I divert from my path is here. Simply to make sure everything is at peace. I end up behind a couple who lock hands for their walk home. I can see the girl's hand tense up while the boy stays at ease. He's there for her. And I'm sure she knows it far better than I. I've felt hands tense in mine and I know that I'd never let anything happen to the person I held. I smile for the two of them because of the prospect of what might be. Eventually I leave the two to head down the tight alleyway to my front door. 

I have arrived. I'm no different physically than I was some 20 minutes ago when I left. (With the exception of a drop of sweat on my brow.) But somehow I've grown in this short walk. I've seen people alone when they're by themselves, I've seen people alone in a group, I've seen people together in a pair, and I've felt surrounded with no one around. I walked myself home and didn't think once about myself, instead I focused on those around me. I think it's time to start doing that when everyone is awake. Less about me and more about all of you. 

I love you all. Every last one of you.

NP: Make it Home- Hoodie Allen

Scrubs

I've been watching a ton of Scrubs recently and I have to say it's my favorite TV show. My film professor told us that everything we see in movies and TV is scripted, so describing them as "real" or "realistic" isn't all that accurate. Honestly though, screw what he said. Real isn't a concept that needs to be dissected under a microscope. Anything that resonates with you is real to you. To me Scrubs is realistic and the situations presented are so incredibly well written I oftentimes wish I could be inside Sacred Heart making memories with the actors.

The episode I just finished watching ended with JD narrating as Elliot left with Sean. Earlier in the episode she had asked JD to remember that he is supposed to be her friend.

I guess somewhere along the way while JD was falling in love with Elliot he forgot that they had started out simply as friends. Obviously watching the person you love be somewhere else and with someone else is just plain awful, but at the end of the episode JD remembers what he has to do.

"Sometimes, well sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend. Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make." 

Before you can love someone you have to befriend them. Which means that your first loyalty to them isn't as a lover but as a friend. Sometimes it's hard to do that.

I guess what you have to do in that sort of situation it be a tiny bit less selfish. You have to put aside your own feelings and emotions and do what your friend needs you to do. Sometimes your friend will need you to talk them down from the ledge, sometimes they'll need you to stand up for them, sometimes they'll need you to just listen, and sometimes they might need you to leave them alone.

And while sometimes it seems unfair and hard to do, if you love them as a friend, or as whatever you claim to love them as, you'll be able to do it.

NP: Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips

that time

Have you ever taken the time to recognize when you're most at peace? How about when you're the most shook up? The time you're a little out of it? Or maybe the time you're 100% there?

I think each and every one of us is a little different in this aspect. We each feel certain things at certain parts of the day or when a certain thing happens to us. 

For me I'm the most shook up when I'm alone for too long. Probably something I should work on because independence is a huge part of life. 

I'm the most out of it somewhere in the middle of my day when I'm not quite sure what to do next. 

I'm the most with it immediately when I wake up and I know I have 16 hours to get something done before I sleep again.

I'm most at peace for a few minutes. Those few minutes right before I close my eyes for good for the night. It comes right after the "what ifs" and endless scenarios played out in my mind. When I lay down I think about problems in the world and problems with my golf swing. I think about how hot it is, what I'm going to wear tomorrow, and which way to walk to class. I think about my family and friends. I think about guys and girls. I think about love. And after all that thinking, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours later, I enter a state of pure serenity. It's a time where I know that what's next is sleep. I know that I'll close my eyes and all bets are off. Sleeping is the biggest gamble there is, with the worst outcome being never waking up. I sort of see sleep as a middle man between life and death.

Don't think of death as a bad thing though. It's anything but. It's necessary. And like I said, when you lay down your head every night all bets are off. You could wake up to your world being turned upside down, be it for better or for worse. But you won't know unless you take that chance and go to sleep. 

It's about that time for me. 

Night.

NP: Fix You- Coldplay

Leaving

Why is it that we're afraid to leave? 

Is it because we're afraid we won't make it back? Afraid maybe the place we're going is too different? Or is it because we're afraid of what we might be coming back to? 

I think it's the latter. I think we're oftentimes afraid that while we're gone something will change. We usually assume things will change for the worse due to our absence. Afraid that while we're gone our family will be in need of our help, our loved ones will forget us, or that time will simply pass us by. 

We can't be afraid of leaving though. 

Move away and move at your own pace. Don't be afraid to look back or go back to where you started, but don't ever expect things to be exactly how you left them. In fact, when you leave you should expect things to change.

Truth be told when you leave you'll do some changing of your own. Of course you'll be reluctant to admit it because as I said earlier change usually comes with a negative connotation.

Leave. Change. Return. Accept.

Leave where you're comfortable, change if you must, return back home, and accept the situation for what it is.

NP: Coming Home- Diddy

14th Grade

Very shortly I will be starting my time in the fourteenth grade. A grade better known to some as sophomore year of college. I've heard from many that it's going to be my favorite year of college. Sort of the same way I heard from many that high school would be the best days of my life. Regardless of what the "many" say I'm excited and nervous as hell for this coming year.

I feel like I know one thing for certain about this year. That thing being that anything can and hopefully will happen.

One thing has to happen. I need to keep a high GPA. 

Other than that nothing HAS to happen. 

I don't care how I spend my weekends or what I accomplish on any other collegiate front. 

This year is going to be a steady year. No plans for major ups or downs. No plans for any changes in scenery. I need that to keep myself sane. 

But sometimes even the best laid plans change in the blink of an eye.

While I might not know what is ahead of me I can tell you that I'm excited for what might possibly be there. I'm excited to have my own apartment. Excited for a semester where I go in knowing people. Excited to go and visit my friends at their respective schools. Excited to return to where I started. Excited to spend some nights on the floor, some on the futon, and hopefully the majority in my bed. 

I'm excited for whatever this year has for me. I'm excited for the headaches and laughs. I'm excited for the early mornings and late nights. I'm excited to venture into my sophomore year with three of my best friends by my side.

I've said the majority of my goodbyes already and the only ones really left are my parents.

I don't think that the goodbyes are getting any easier, but I think they're becoming less worrisome. What I mean is that when I said goodbye this time I didn't worry about what will come. Maybe it's because I've learned that college is unpredictable or because I've learned that the distance between my friends and I means very little when my friends mean so much.

Or maybe it's because there are some things that'll never change. Like how my friends and I are when we're together. Two nights ago we all got together one last time and it reminded me that some things can stay the same forever. We all might change in one way or another, but there is something in our dynamic that refuses to change.

I think it's the fact that when push comes to shove every one of us would do anything to protect anyone else in the group. We have a bond that I can't quite explain. I guess it's just a bunch of kids who got close toward the end of high school that refuse to forget about each other.

NP: This Road With You- Big Little Lions

health: a gift

For the longest time I didn't understand why people went to school to become doctors. (Not that I was actually unaware of what a doctor did, or that I don't see the need for doctors. I simply never saw anything in it for me.)

To me, going to school to become a doctor seemed to be too long, too hard, and too uninteresting. (Sounds like a typical business student answer I'm sure.)

Recently I've began to see what they do it for. (Aside from the six-figure salary of course.)

I didn't notice it until my mom asked me for some core workouts for her to do. See my mom has been walking a lot more and now wants to strengthen her core. Simply convincing my mom to go on a walk with me gave me a sense of satisfaction that I was helping her.

I assume that's what doctors are in it for. For that feeling in your gut that you're improving someone else's wellbeing.

Obviously a lot of doctors do more than improve someone's fitness. Hell, emergency room doctors actually bring people back to life and prevent them from dying.

Looking at various medical miracles makes what I'm doing look quite simple. If I choose to do investment banking I'll be aiming to improve people's bank accounts not their health. Which begs the question what good is money without health?

I guess my plan is this. Make money and give it away. Live not only for myself but live in a way that others may live because of me. My goal is to let others reap the benefits of my existence. Give back to the world in a way that keeps someone alive or makes their living easier.

Gandhi said, "Live simply so that others simply may live," and I guess I'm sort of aiming for something like that.

NP: Let It Go- The Neighborhood