I've been told before that I need to be more confident.
The thing is...I am confident. I have a confidence about me that I choose not to display in the normal ways.
I have each one of my abilities assessed accurately and for that, I am confident.
When someone asks me a question about how good I am at something or how smart I am I choose to respond that I'm average. In that instance I can tell the other person's opinion of my answer. Some are frustrated by my lack of detail, some accept it as modesty, and some mistake it for a lack of confidence. I know "how smart I am" or "how good I am" at different things, but it isn't for me to tell the person asking. If we based our knowledge of others solely off what they told us was true then we would oftentimes be led astray.
Confidence isn't telling someone how good you are at something, confidence is leaving it up for interpretation knowing that your actions will speak far louder than your words ever could have.
Plenty of men are confident in abilities they do not possess. Plenty of men lack confidence.
I'm not one of those men.
I'm a man with an understanding of self. With a deep understanding of what I have to offer each person and each situation I am cast into. I'm just a man who doesn't feel the need to tell you he is good at something. A man who would rather you take the time to figure him out on your own.
Don't ask me what I can do. Get to know me and see what I can.
NP: Don't Wake Me Up- Chris Brown
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Over With
Still waiting to hear back...
But anyway, I'm finally done with my midterms which is quite the relief. Now I can focus on staying caught up and even getting ahead in my classes. My first big week of college exams was nothing short of stressful and painful. I survived though, even if just barely.
I'm not really sure what to talk about on here anymore.
I think that's a sign that I'm not thinking about things as much as I used to. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Sometimes I liked over thinking things. I liked having my mind whirling with thoughts of what could be and what should be. I still think about what will be and what might be, but on a lesser scale. I have a lot of good in my life. I have a lot of questionable parts too. The main conflict I'm faced with is the decision of what is truly good and what isn't. There are desires and dreams I have that I question as being wholly good. The constant struggle I find myself in is one of searching for what makes me truly happy.
I guess I'm still a dreamer and a thinker. More than either of those I am an explorer. I am but one kid in a huge city, searching for the smallest things that make him happy. Sounds like a trip fit for Columbus or Magellan.
I'm waiting, I'm dreaming, I'm loving, but am I living?
I hope so because these dreams are too good to let go of.
NP: Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens
But anyway, I'm finally done with my midterms which is quite the relief. Now I can focus on staying caught up and even getting ahead in my classes. My first big week of college exams was nothing short of stressful and painful. I survived though, even if just barely.
I'm not really sure what to talk about on here anymore.
I think that's a sign that I'm not thinking about things as much as I used to. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Sometimes I liked over thinking things. I liked having my mind whirling with thoughts of what could be and what should be. I still think about what will be and what might be, but on a lesser scale. I have a lot of good in my life. I have a lot of questionable parts too. The main conflict I'm faced with is the decision of what is truly good and what isn't. There are desires and dreams I have that I question as being wholly good. The constant struggle I find myself in is one of searching for what makes me truly happy.
I guess I'm still a dreamer and a thinker. More than either of those I am an explorer. I am but one kid in a huge city, searching for the smallest things that make him happy. Sounds like a trip fit for Columbus or Magellan.
I'm waiting, I'm dreaming, I'm loving, but am I living?
I hope so because these dreams are too good to let go of.
NP: Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens
Saturday, October 13, 2012
inspir(e)(ation)
I went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower tonight and it made me miss Pittsburgh. Not miss it in the sense of homesickness really. Rather, missing it in a renewed sense of understanding. A sense of understanding that Pittsburgh is and always will be my home. When Charlie, Sam, and Patrick came through the Fort Pitt Tunnel and the city became visible my heart started racing.
It was a thing I'd seen so many times, but for the first time was seeing for what it truly is. It's a place I've come to love. It's a place I've always loved, but a place I took for granted. It's a city where I've fallen in love, where loved ones have passed, and where I became the person I am today.
When they came through the tunnel I know that everyone in the theater felt something similar to what I felt. They felt what they had read. They felt what they thought it would feel like. The felt what they heard it was like and what they saw it was like on a movie screen. But they didn't feel the rush of a million memories housed in the city. They didn't visualize where each turn would take you. They had an idea, but they hadn't lived it like I did. Maybe the only other person in the theater who understood it completely was my Aunt. She's from home. She gets it.
New York is a magnificent city. And if one chooses to they can get lost in its splendor for an eternity. But the city will take what you let it. It can chew you up and spit you out having robbed you of everything. It can turn an average man into a mogul or into a hobo. It's a city where you can make a new name or forget the one you were born with, and believe me, there's a vast difference between the two.
As for me, the city hasn't taken much. Sure the higher cost of living and public transportation has robbed me blind, but other than that I'm the same me I left home as. I'm still confident I'll make something of myself. I still love writing and my friends back home. I still hold to my morals. I still think more than I should.
The only thing the city has taken from me that I really miss is something you'll never notice if your eyes are fixed on the pavement or cars whistling by. I miss the stars. And the city could take a lot more from me if I let it, but I won't.
Perks made me realize two things.
1. I want to be home. Not for reasons like not wanting to grow up or let go of the past, rather because I know it's where I belong.
2. I really want a typewriter. That would be the sickest thing ever.
NP: Anything Could Happen- Ellie Goulding
It was a thing I'd seen so many times, but for the first time was seeing for what it truly is. It's a place I've come to love. It's a place I've always loved, but a place I took for granted. It's a city where I've fallen in love, where loved ones have passed, and where I became the person I am today.
When they came through the tunnel I know that everyone in the theater felt something similar to what I felt. They felt what they had read. They felt what they thought it would feel like. The felt what they heard it was like and what they saw it was like on a movie screen. But they didn't feel the rush of a million memories housed in the city. They didn't visualize where each turn would take you. They had an idea, but they hadn't lived it like I did. Maybe the only other person in the theater who understood it completely was my Aunt. She's from home. She gets it.
New York is a magnificent city. And if one chooses to they can get lost in its splendor for an eternity. But the city will take what you let it. It can chew you up and spit you out having robbed you of everything. It can turn an average man into a mogul or into a hobo. It's a city where you can make a new name or forget the one you were born with, and believe me, there's a vast difference between the two.
As for me, the city hasn't taken much. Sure the higher cost of living and public transportation has robbed me blind, but other than that I'm the same me I left home as. I'm still confident I'll make something of myself. I still love writing and my friends back home. I still hold to my morals. I still think more than I should.
The only thing the city has taken from me that I really miss is something you'll never notice if your eyes are fixed on the pavement or cars whistling by. I miss the stars. And the city could take a lot more from me if I let it, but I won't.
Perks made me realize two things.
1. I want to be home. Not for reasons like not wanting to grow up or let go of the past, rather because I know it's where I belong.
2. I really want a typewriter. That would be the sickest thing ever.
NP: Anything Could Happen- Ellie Goulding
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
off my game
It's been almost a week since my last blog and that's unforgivable. Sorry to have left you guys hanging for so long. I'm still alive if you were wondering. I'm alive and healthy in the Bronx. I've lost some weight since I got here thanks to horrible cafeteria food, but other than that I'd say I am in good health. School is... well school is going. Not fast, not slow, not great, and not as bad as it could be. I'm in the middle of midterms right now and I don't feel great. Today has been an extremely detached day. A day where I feel alone and where I feel anxious.
My anxiety is really playing with my mind. I worry myself to the point of nauseousness and my leg will not stop shaking. It's moving at a more accelerated pace than usual. These past few days I've been doing more thinking than I should.
Thoughts about a lot of different things.
Things like school, love, life, happiness, belonging, friendship, regret, disappointment, grades, stress, coping, moving on, looking back, and tattoos. (Yes, you read right, tattoos.)
I can't explain all of those to you right now because I'm not sure where I'd start. Plus I have a history midterm to keep studying for so there is that aspect too.
For those of you who care to know; just know I'm pushing forward, I'm okay, and I'm hopeful.
I love every last one of you.
I'll leave you with a quote from The Great Gatsby, which happens to be a quote I like as a possible tattoo idea.
"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
NP: It's Time- Imagine Dragons
My anxiety is really playing with my mind. I worry myself to the point of nauseousness and my leg will not stop shaking. It's moving at a more accelerated pace than usual. These past few days I've been doing more thinking than I should.
Thoughts about a lot of different things.
Things like school, love, life, happiness, belonging, friendship, regret, disappointment, grades, stress, coping, moving on, looking back, and tattoos. (Yes, you read right, tattoos.)
I can't explain all of those to you right now because I'm not sure where I'd start. Plus I have a history midterm to keep studying for so there is that aspect too.
For those of you who care to know; just know I'm pushing forward, I'm okay, and I'm hopeful.
I love every last one of you.
I'll leave you with a quote from The Great Gatsby, which happens to be a quote I like as a possible tattoo idea.
"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
NP: It's Time- Imagine Dragons
Thursday, October 4, 2012
eyes
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes....
Maybe then you'd realize....
Realize, why I feel this way inside.
And if you saw your eyes through my eyes, you'd understand why no other pair of eyes could ever seem as alive.
You'd understand why looking into other eyes makes me realize the eyes I want to look into.
Into your eyes I look and see myself. And in myself I see you. And in you and I, I see us. And in us I see happiness. And in happiness I see life. And without you, well without you I don't see the same life.
These eyes they have seen and these eyes they have been seen. These eyes have closed and these eyes have cried. You've seen them at their best and you've seen them at their worst. You've seen these eyes look into your eyes. And in that moment you've heard me say three words.
And those three words don't need eyes and those three words don't need light. They don't need to be seen, but they need to be believed.
Believe what I've seen, and believe what I've said.
You can see those three words, they're written in my eyes.
Maybe then you'd realize....
Realize, why I feel this way inside.
And if you saw your eyes through my eyes, you'd understand why no other pair of eyes could ever seem as alive.
You'd understand why looking into other eyes makes me realize the eyes I want to look into.
Into your eyes I look and see myself. And in myself I see you. And in you and I, I see us. And in us I see happiness. And in happiness I see life. And without you, well without you I don't see the same life.
These eyes they have seen and these eyes they have been seen. These eyes have closed and these eyes have cried. You've seen them at their best and you've seen them at their worst. You've seen these eyes look into your eyes. And in that moment you've heard me say three words.
And those three words don't need eyes and those three words don't need light. They don't need to be seen, but they need to be believed.
Believe what I've seen, and believe what I've said.
You can see those three words, they're written in my eyes.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
library thoughts
I have some of the strangest little mind games I play with myself.
For instance, each letter in the alphabet is assigned a number A is 1, B is 2, all the way to Z being 26. I oftentimes look at names of people and try to break their name apart into equally summed parts. For example Ashley is 1+19+8+12+5+25=70. There's no good way to break the name apart. Three and three and you have 28 on one side and 42 on the other.
I also do things like count the number of steps I take in between cracks in the pavement. Most sidewalks are laid out in intervals of four strides. Some are longer and take 10. Depends on where you are at obviously.
Another thing I do is try to look at a sentence and guess where it needs to be broken up to have an equal number of letters on each side. 52 and 55. (Pretty close)
I'm a strange son of a bitch, but I don't mind it at all.
For instance, each letter in the alphabet is assigned a number A is 1, B is 2, all the way to Z being 26. I oftentimes look at names of people and try to break their name apart into equally summed parts. For example Ashley is 1+19+8+12+5+25=70. There's no good way to break the name apart. Three and three and you have 28 on one side and 42 on the other.
I also do things like count the number of steps I take in between cracks in the pavement. Most sidewalks are laid out in intervals of four strides. Some are longer and take 10. Depends on where you are at obviously.
Another thing I do is try to look at a sentence and guess where it needs to be broken up to have an equal number of letters on each side. 52 and 55. (Pretty close)
I'm a strange son of a bitch, but I don't mind it at all.
Monday, October 1, 2012
falsely labeled
How often do we label something falsely? Be it a person, place, or even an idea we do it more times than we realize. Sometimes we give it a negative label before really looking into it and others we expect too much from. Some people would be pessimistic and tell you that great expectations lead to great disappointments, but I on the other hand believe that it is good to have high expectations. Sure when something or someone doesn't meet that expectation it hurts. But if you have low expectations and they are always met is there any real satisfaction in that? I say no. I expect a lot. Sometimes I'm let down. Other times I'm reminded why setting high expectations feels so good.
Expect a lot, but expect imperfection. We're not perfect and if we seem it then you've already accepted our flaws. In which case, good for you, you're an understanding person and that's not easy to be.
NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's
Expect a lot, but expect imperfection. We're not perfect and if we seem it then you've already accepted our flaws. In which case, good for you, you're an understanding person and that's not easy to be.
NP: Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's
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