I like to think of myself as a reliable guy. I like getting random texts from friends asking for help on something. I like going out of my way to make sure a friend is okay.
I enjoy those responsibilities.
I like when people rely on me.
I just want to have people to rely on. I have a select few I can rely on for anything.
Some people are spotty though. That's alright, you just need to know how much to expect from each person.
And sadly there are people I would do anything for, people that wouldn't return the favor.
I'm okay with that though.
Sometimes pouring yourself into a situation where you aren't going to get anything back is needed. It's not a matter of reciprocation, it's a matter of being a good person and caring for someone.
Oftentimes I care too much.
Caring is what you have to do. Caring is key. Caring too much can never, ever be wrong.
That's how I feel at least.
Hey, I'm just trying to be that guy.
So help me out by doing this...
care endlessly
rely on me
let me rely on you
text me randomly just to chat
NP: Of The Soul- Mac Miller
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Raging
A few nights ago I realized why I hate drinking so much.
I don't even have to be around the drinking, just knowing about it scares me.
It makes me so mad because I'm afraid of losing people close to me.
All my experiences with loved ones and alcohol are experiences where I lost someone.
My Dad.
Grammy.
A four year relationship.
And now, when I see someone close to me drinking, I assume the worst.
It's got to the point where my entire body is shaking uncontrollably. I can't even sit still. I have to get up and clean or do some sort of workout because if I didn't I will break my hand off of something.
Raging is scary. I can't handle it. And all this made me realize was that I'm not as strong as I thought I was...
That's tough for me to say. I'm not as strong as I once thought.
I'm strong in the sense of holding true to my values, but I'm weak in dealing with certain situations that come along. I realized that I'd hold true to my values even if I wanted to do something that was against them.
College is going to be interesting when I'm surrounded by drinking. I'm afraid I just won't fit in very well.
Oh well.
Later twitches.
NP: Get Buck In Here
I don't even have to be around the drinking, just knowing about it scares me.
It makes me so mad because I'm afraid of losing people close to me.
All my experiences with loved ones and alcohol are experiences where I lost someone.
My Dad.
Grammy.
A four year relationship.
And now, when I see someone close to me drinking, I assume the worst.
It's got to the point where my entire body is shaking uncontrollably. I can't even sit still. I have to get up and clean or do some sort of workout because if I didn't I will break my hand off of something.
Raging is scary. I can't handle it. And all this made me realize was that I'm not as strong as I thought I was...
That's tough for me to say. I'm not as strong as I once thought.
I'm strong in the sense of holding true to my values, but I'm weak in dealing with certain situations that come along. I realized that I'd hold true to my values even if I wanted to do something that was against them.
College is going to be interesting when I'm surrounded by drinking. I'm afraid I just won't fit in very well.
Oh well.
Later twitches.
NP: Get Buck In Here
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
it's hard sometimes
Sometimes I think my words get me in trouble. I preach on this blog. I preach things that I wholeheartedly believe in. I have never said something I didn't firmly believe to be the truth or the right thing to do.
With that being said I'm an eighteen year old boy.
I'm far from perfect.
If I went my whole life and did exactly what I preached I would literally be like Jesus Christ.
I'm not though.
And I never will be.
98% of the time I do as I say and I say as I do.
98% isn't perfect though. And I realize it never will be.
That means that sadly I'll never be the "perfect" guy for any girl. Maybe I'll be the right guy, the guy a girl deserves, or the guy a girl wants, but I will never ever be perfect...
If there is one thing I know for certain other than the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow it's that I will make mistakes.
I guarantee imperfection, and you know what?
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to use the fact that everyone else makes mistakes as a crutch for my mistakes because I'm not everyone else. I'm different. Maybe not by much, but I'm not like most other eighteen year olds.
I've made mistakes and continue to make them everyday. Some mistakes hurt more than others. Some mistakes change people's opinions of me. But do you know what the saddest type of mistake is?
The saddest type of mistake is one where you begin to question yourself.
The most painful thing you'll ever feel in this world is the feeling you've let yourself down. Feeling like you aren't as good a person as you thought you were. That's the toughest pain a person can feel.
From time to time I ask myself if I'm as good a person as I think I am.
Funny thing is I rarely answer that question.
I don't answer because at the end of the day I'm only as good as I perceive myself to be.
I'm only as good as my actions not my words.
I'm only 18.
I'm not perfect.
I am sorry though.
Sorry that from time to time I'm put on a pedestal. Sorry that I bring this upon myself.
I'm sorry that I can't practice exactly what I preach. All I can do is strive to be that top 98%.
Nobody can be right all the time, and in fact very few are right the majority of the time.
I'm going to keep practicing what I preach and you all just have to trust me that I won't let you down.
I thrive on that trust so please believe in me.
Give me that chance to be the imperfectly perfect person in your life.
"You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?"
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5
With that being said I'm an eighteen year old boy.
I'm far from perfect.
If I went my whole life and did exactly what I preached I would literally be like Jesus Christ.
I'm not though.
And I never will be.
98% of the time I do as I say and I say as I do.
98% isn't perfect though. And I realize it never will be.
That means that sadly I'll never be the "perfect" guy for any girl. Maybe I'll be the right guy, the guy a girl deserves, or the guy a girl wants, but I will never ever be perfect...
If there is one thing I know for certain other than the fact that the sun will rise tomorrow it's that I will make mistakes.
I guarantee imperfection, and you know what?
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to use the fact that everyone else makes mistakes as a crutch for my mistakes because I'm not everyone else. I'm different. Maybe not by much, but I'm not like most other eighteen year olds.
I've made mistakes and continue to make them everyday. Some mistakes hurt more than others. Some mistakes change people's opinions of me. But do you know what the saddest type of mistake is?
The saddest type of mistake is one where you begin to question yourself.
The most painful thing you'll ever feel in this world is the feeling you've let yourself down. Feeling like you aren't as good a person as you thought you were. That's the toughest pain a person can feel.
From time to time I ask myself if I'm as good a person as I think I am.
Funny thing is I rarely answer that question.
I don't answer because at the end of the day I'm only as good as I perceive myself to be.
I'm only as good as my actions not my words.
I'm only 18.
I'm not perfect.
I am sorry though.
Sorry that from time to time I'm put on a pedestal. Sorry that I bring this upon myself.
I'm sorry that I can't practice exactly what I preach. All I can do is strive to be that top 98%.
Nobody can be right all the time, and in fact very few are right the majority of the time.
I'm going to keep practicing what I preach and you all just have to trust me that I won't let you down.
I thrive on that trust so please believe in me.
Give me that chance to be the imperfectly perfect person in your life.
"You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?"
NP: Payphone- Maroon 5
Hi Again
Hey there. Sorry the blogging has been spotty recently, all these vacations are kicking my ass. Anyway I'll leave you with some Disney love again tonight. Just my observations of two movies in Disney that I saw in the Mickey's Philarmagic.
The first movie was The Little Mermaid. These observations are basically just the idea that these movies very much apply to life today. Ariel sees something she wants more than anything in this world, a life on land, and she makes a deal to get it. It just goes back to the idea of wanting what we can't have and having to make sacrifices to get there.
Isn't that always the way it is? We see something we want and we say we're willing to do anything to have it. We're willing to make a deal with the devil to get there. The thing about wanting something that bad is the sacrifices that have to be made. Something with that magnitude of importance is going to require a serious amount of sacrifice in most cases. Most people aren't willing to make those sacrifices. I like to think that I am, but who knows what lengths I would go to for what I want most? I'm not even sure. I think I'd do most anything for it though.
The second movie observation I made was in Aladdin. It isn't so much an observation as it is a recognition that Aladdin is a great plot. I love how the poor "street rat" kid goes in and wins over a princess. He wants to show her a whole new world. Isn't that what every guy wants? To be that Arabian prince on a flying carpet taking a girl's breath away? (okay maybe that's just mine) Anyway I think it's a great plot and a great story. Disney did it right there. It speaks of change. Of the good guy finishing first. Of love being enough. Of being the change somebody wants and needs.
It's tough to find a movie I like more than that at this moment. I like how Aladdin worked his magic....
It's just a damn shame I don't have a genie to help me out, God knows I could use it.
NP: A Whole New World
The first movie was The Little Mermaid. These observations are basically just the idea that these movies very much apply to life today. Ariel sees something she wants more than anything in this world, a life on land, and she makes a deal to get it. It just goes back to the idea of wanting what we can't have and having to make sacrifices to get there.
Isn't that always the way it is? We see something we want and we say we're willing to do anything to have it. We're willing to make a deal with the devil to get there. The thing about wanting something that bad is the sacrifices that have to be made. Something with that magnitude of importance is going to require a serious amount of sacrifice in most cases. Most people aren't willing to make those sacrifices. I like to think that I am, but who knows what lengths I would go to for what I want most? I'm not even sure. I think I'd do most anything for it though.
The second movie observation I made was in Aladdin. It isn't so much an observation as it is a recognition that Aladdin is a great plot. I love how the poor "street rat" kid goes in and wins over a princess. He wants to show her a whole new world. Isn't that what every guy wants? To be that Arabian prince on a flying carpet taking a girl's breath away? (okay maybe that's just mine) Anyway I think it's a great plot and a great story. Disney did it right there. It speaks of change. Of the good guy finishing first. Of love being enough. Of being the change somebody wants and needs.
It's tough to find a movie I like more than that at this moment. I like how Aladdin worked his magic....
It's just a damn shame I don't have a genie to help me out, God knows I could use it.
NP: A Whole New World
Sunday, June 17, 2012
i'm so sorry
It's been far too long, but I'm back and I have some ideas to run by y'all. Hopefully you all read my Disney Day 1 blog and I'd just like to assure you all that the rest of my trip was just as enjoyable. Disney is an awesome place for so many reasons.
One thing I saw in Disney is that it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor in Disney. Obviously the things you can do, the parks you visit, and the food you eat will be different depending on your social standing, but Disney is just as magical to everyone.
I saw little girls of various backgrounds getting the chance to be little princesses. Disney has elaborate tiaras and crowns but if your family can't afford that, cheaper sashes that say princess on it are for sale. Disney gives every little girl a chance to be a princess, and that's a chance every little girl deserves.
Watching little kids' faces light up when they see a Disney character warms the heart. Even a grinch couldn't help but smile at the magic that surrounds Disney.
I have some other ideas I'll run by later, this was just to wet the lips.
NP: Wear My Hat- Mac Miller
One thing I saw in Disney is that it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor in Disney. Obviously the things you can do, the parks you visit, and the food you eat will be different depending on your social standing, but Disney is just as magical to everyone.
I saw little girls of various backgrounds getting the chance to be little princesses. Disney has elaborate tiaras and crowns but if your family can't afford that, cheaper sashes that say princess on it are for sale. Disney gives every little girl a chance to be a princess, and that's a chance every little girl deserves.
Watching little kids' faces light up when they see a Disney character warms the heart. Even a grinch couldn't help but smile at the magic that surrounds Disney.
I have some other ideas I'll run by later, this was just to wet the lips.
NP: Wear My Hat- Mac Miller
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Disney Part 1
I flew first class today down to Tampa. Don't ask me how nice it was though because the only thing I took advantage of was the sleeping mask. Slept the entirety of both flights. It was awesome.
Our trip is pretty laid out. Three meals a day all inclusive and we're going to all the parks and the water parks as well.
There really is nowhere in the world like Disney. Walking around you just want the people closest to you to be there with you. The last time I was here my Nan was alive. The nature of how we got to this trip is quite humorous so I'll share it with you.
My Pap wanted Joyce to take him to Disney world for his 75th birthday. Instead of taking him to Disney....she took him to London. (Huge let down, I know. What was she thinking?)
Anyway, now, at 76, Pap decided he would spite Joyce by taking us to Disney and not invite her.
Disney is great. Not just for kids, or middle age people, but for people like Pap. Watching Pap walk around he seems more full of life. He strides ahead of Jenny, Maura, and myself with ease. He turns around only to ask where we want to go...It's a beautiful thing really, watching a man who worked so hard his whole life enjoy himself like that. He deserves it more than most.
The highlight of Pap's day had to have been the laser and firework show which we just returned from a little bit ago. He was ecstatic. It was pouring down rain and the four of us were huddled up in our ponchos but I'll be damned if we left before the last firework went off.
NP: Pandora Sleep Station
Our trip is pretty laid out. Three meals a day all inclusive and we're going to all the parks and the water parks as well.
There really is nowhere in the world like Disney. Walking around you just want the people closest to you to be there with you. The last time I was here my Nan was alive. The nature of how we got to this trip is quite humorous so I'll share it with you.
My Pap wanted Joyce to take him to Disney world for his 75th birthday. Instead of taking him to Disney....she took him to London. (Huge let down, I know. What was she thinking?)
Anyway, now, at 76, Pap decided he would spite Joyce by taking us to Disney and not invite her.
Disney is great. Not just for kids, or middle age people, but for people like Pap. Watching Pap walk around he seems more full of life. He strides ahead of Jenny, Maura, and myself with ease. He turns around only to ask where we want to go...It's a beautiful thing really, watching a man who worked so hard his whole life enjoy himself like that. He deserves it more than most.
The highlight of Pap's day had to have been the laser and firework show which we just returned from a little bit ago. He was ecstatic. It was pouring down rain and the four of us were huddled up in our ponchos but I'll be damned if we left before the last firework went off.
NP: Pandora Sleep Station
Friday, June 8, 2012
how am I feeling?
I have no idea. I feel guilty when I haven't done anything to feel guilty about. I feel like I'm so full of hate. I feel like I've become arrogant. What makes me think I'm any better than these kids I claim to be better than? How am I any different? How am I any better?
Why is it that I despise when people don't agree with me? Why do I always seem to disagree with everyone?
How can people see good in the people I've come to despise?
"Oh I like most of them."
Well I hate them.
I could go on for days talking about what I dislike in people. And I'm sure one of you would say, "Why can't you just look for the good in them?"
Well I can't look for it because I don't have the time. If someone comes across as a piece of crap to me, I'm not going to waste my time searching for a speck of good in them. Sorry, but I don't want to waste my time doing that.
And that right there is what I don't get. Why am I so pessimistic about finding good in people?
I guess I hate what I don't understand. And what I don't understand is almost everything. Everyone around me confuses me. Worst of all I'm not sure I know myself right now.
I feel misunderstood. I feel like nobody knows me and that nobody ever will.
I just want to know who is going to save me when I fall. Sooner or later we all fall, I just don't know who's going to catch me.
I wish I could explain to you all how I feel right now. I feel lost. Maybe it's just been a long day or maybe this has been building up for a while.
I have a feeling that sometime soon everything I've been holding back is going to come out. To everyone. I'm really unsure of what's coming. I'm unsure of most things. I'm unsure as to why I'm going to post this depressing blog. I feel like I have to. Because this blog is going to serve as a memory later on. I want this to be a book. I want to turn this blog into a book. A book for everyone to read, to see what life is like for the average sober high school senior. I'm not sure people will understand it. But if they do, they'll understand this blog as a bad day. As a down point in a good life. As a chapter that brings you down. Luckily, the only thing I'm certain about is that the sun will rise tomorrow. That means enlightenment, and a new day.
Why is it that I despise when people don't agree with me? Why do I always seem to disagree with everyone?
How can people see good in the people I've come to despise?
"Oh I like most of them."
Well I hate them.
I could go on for days talking about what I dislike in people. And I'm sure one of you would say, "Why can't you just look for the good in them?"
Well I can't look for it because I don't have the time. If someone comes across as a piece of crap to me, I'm not going to waste my time searching for a speck of good in them. Sorry, but I don't want to waste my time doing that.
And that right there is what I don't get. Why am I so pessimistic about finding good in people?
I guess I hate what I don't understand. And what I don't understand is almost everything. Everyone around me confuses me. Worst of all I'm not sure I know myself right now.
I feel misunderstood. I feel like nobody knows me and that nobody ever will.
I just want to know who is going to save me when I fall. Sooner or later we all fall, I just don't know who's going to catch me.
I wish I could explain to you all how I feel right now. I feel lost. Maybe it's just been a long day or maybe this has been building up for a while.
I have a feeling that sometime soon everything I've been holding back is going to come out. To everyone. I'm really unsure of what's coming. I'm unsure of most things. I'm unsure as to why I'm going to post this depressing blog. I feel like I have to. Because this blog is going to serve as a memory later on. I want this to be a book. I want to turn this blog into a book. A book for everyone to read, to see what life is like for the average sober high school senior. I'm not sure people will understand it. But if they do, they'll understand this blog as a bad day. As a down point in a good life. As a chapter that brings you down. Luckily, the only thing I'm certain about is that the sun will rise tomorrow. That means enlightenment, and a new day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)