photos from: early to rise

All I can say is thank God for Instagram...

early to rise

I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning and went down to the city to watch the sunrise. It was something spontaneous and I loved it. Sitting on the Clemente Bridge just talking with a good friend put me in a great mood. The gas station coffee wasn't exactly a mood brightener, but it did keep me awake for the drive down there so it was worth it.

After about an hour and a half down there watching the sunrise we headed home. I dropped Mara off and I left Westbury. I came to the exit of Westbury and sat there for a whole minute deciding whether I was going to go straight home or if I was going to go to Nan's grave. I decided to go see my grandma.

At Nan's grave I did some serious thinking about some different things. The next couple ideas are ones I thought of while talking aloud to myself at Nan's grave or when I was downtown with Mara this morning.

The first thought was this, would Nan be proud of me? I think she would. I think she would want me to be happy. I truly think that is all she would want from me. I then thought of this. When so many people want us to be happy why is it that often times the only person preventing us from being happy is us? 


Is it because we like a challenge? 


Is it because we want to bring ourselves down just to see if we can pick ourselves back up?


Or is it because some people enjoy the empathy associated with being sad? 


I really don't know the answer to that question.

My second thought was actually more of a statement that I made today.

I said, "You have to find the people worth wasting your time on, soon enough you'll realize it wasn't a waste of time. It was actually time well spent." 


That's the thing about wasting time, you don't know you're doing it until it's already done. Time well spent is the same way, you don't know what the time was worth until you reflect on it afterwards.

"Sunrise is the most optimistic thing in the world because it's the only thing that is guaranteed." 
-Me

NP: No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft. Frank Ocean

grad party season

This season most definitely is grad party season. Every Saturday and Sunday I don't worry about what's for lunch or dinner, I'm quite sure that I'll be able to wander to a grad party somewhere and get some free food. 

Today alone I went to three parties : Josi's, Frankowski's, and Jaclyn's. 

I have another three to go to tomorrow which is exciting. It's good seeing everybody, but it's great because you choose who you see. 

On a separate note I walked home from Jaclyn's tonight and I remembered how much I like walking. Next year is looking sweeter everyday. New York City is a walker's paradise and I'll have the city at my feet. From blacktop to grass you can find it all to walk on. I cannot wait. 

Everyday I'm becoming more confused about how I feel. I'm noticing that certain relationships in my life aren't quite what they seemed. I have a feeling that sometimes I prioritize things that shouldn't be priorities. Maybe I need to reevaluate where I place value. Some people have other priorities that don't include me, which is fine, I just need to know where to align my priorities. (Levi and I had a good talk about this today.)

I can never help but ask myself how people feel about me. I always struggle to find where I am.

Just when I seem to figure out where I am with certain people something comes up and I question it. I guess part of the problem is the thought that things might not ever be the same. 

We've graduated and now we go our separate ways. Things will be different. 

Again, it's about who you associate yourself with. I just shake my head at some things I see on a daily basis. I'm just not one who searches for impersonal relationships. I'd rather text one person everyday than get fifteen girls texting me. There's nothing sincere about that. 

Of course most people I know wouldn't understand the concept of being sincere.

Being genuine and sincere would strike a lot of people like the plague if they tried it. I fear that they would actually become violently ill if it were to happen.  

I'm in quite the pessimistic mood and I apologize for that. I'm just having a tough time accepting how terribly base people are. I don't mean to come across as dejected, really I don't, I'm very happy. Just also very confused. Confused as to how people can be so needy. How people can thrive off of attention. How people thrive off of negative attention. It's all just mind boggling to me. 

Also I noticed something strange I do. I attach certain songs to certain people and when I listen to that song it makes me think of them. I've been skipping certain songs more and more when they come on shuffle. But I always stop and listen to Maroon 5. I like thinking about them. 

NP: Of The Soul- Mac Miller

recent thoughts

Recently I've been doing less thinking. (I know, hard to believe right?) Anyway, I've decided that I love life in the minority. Obviously I'm not actually a part of a minority group, I am indeed Caucasian, but I mean in terms of other types of minorities.

I'm a distinguished honors minority.

I'm in the minority of kids who don't drink, smoke, or pop pills.

I'm a blogger, again a minority.

In more ways than one I squeeze myself into these minority groups and quite frankly the minority is where I belong.

The minority is for people who don't depend on others. For those who aren't needy. For those who claim to be self sufficient.

I recognize that I'm strange and different. I realize that my decisions aren't  the "popular" ones. The thing is, I like being me. And if I like being me why would I try and be anything else?

Why would I attempt to fit into the majority when the minority is where I belong? I almost feel the majority is weak. It's easy to latch on to a large group and call yourself a part of it. It's much harder to be independent and bring your own ideas to the table. 


It's about knowing where you fit in. If you belong with the majority, then by all means go with them, but if not, accept your role in the minority. I promise the minority is pretty sweet.

NP: Love The Way You lie- Eminem ft. Rihanna

Done

I graduated from high school.

foreign feelings

This whole graduation thing isn't sad or scary, to me it's simply strange. It's a very foreign feeling. In five hours I will no longer say, "I go to West Allegheny," instead I'll have to say, "I went to West Allegheny." In five hours I'll be a part of the alumni. That's very foreign to me.

I'm not afraid of the future which is why I feel comfortable with graduating. I know that I'll stay close to the people I want to stay close to.

I'm not afraid of being farther away from my best friends, it's just going to be weird not being able to jump in the Subaru and drive ten minutes to any of their houses.

Respectively here are the Mapquest distances and drive time away from each of my best friends I will be.

Amanda- 352 Miles (6.5 hours)


Jared and Dave- 381 Miles (6.75 hours)


Ashley and Ethan- 443 Miles (7.5 hours)


Ty- 646 Miles (11 hours)


I'm gonna make it work though. I have to.

Next time I talk to you all I will be a graduate of West Allegheny.

I'll have graduated Summa Cum Laude...But you can't measure someone's time in high school on paper. It isn't about the grades I earned or the math courses I've taken...It isn't about whether I was proficient or advanced on the science PSSAs. It has nothing to do with my SAT scores. It's never been about that. 

It's about how I left my mark. It's about the friends I've made and the image of myself I've portrayed. It's about how I represented myself for the past four years and it's about the respect my name garners...

I like to think there is a certain level of respect for my name. 


I pray that when my name is called out tonight that my friends, my parents, my friends' parents, and other community members will say to themselves, "He is a great kid."

That's truly my only wish for myself and if that happens, then I had a successful high school career. 

NP: School Spirit- Kanye West

the questions we want to ask

As a whole we love to say, "I told you so." We love the sense of knowing we were right all along and we love that sense of superiority. Aside from telling someone, "I told you so," people love to ask rhetorical questions. The biggest, most unnerving rhetorical question you can ask someone is, "Was it worth it?" 


Asking that to someone gives you a sense of power in the situation. Usually the person asking knows that the answer is no. Usually that question is asked after someone has made a mistake. The level of severity of the mistake is what determines how harsh asking this question would be.

I've wanted to ask this question in so many different situations. It's run through my head in both big and small situations, in situations close to my heart and ones that didn't affect me at all.

I usually refrain from asking it, but because of what today is and how this year has played out I think it is time to ask those questions.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth almost losing your family to drinking?

Was it worth the tens of thousands of dollars sending him to rehab to save him?

Were those nights of drinking worth losing someone close to you?

Was it worth losing yourself? 

Or was I never worth it? 

Were we never worth it?

Those are just some questions I've wanted to ask throughout my time in high school. Some I've wanted to ask on more than one occasion and some apply to more than one person.

Some of those questions are more rhetorical than others. I don't know some of the answers. I know for certain the answer to number three is yes. I've wanted to ask those for awhile and I feel like today was the right time to do it. I'll never know the answers to most of those questions, but maybe some questions shouldn't be answered.

Maybe they don't need answered because they didn't need asked.

Maybe I should already know the answers and I don't need someone else to tell me them. 


Maybe I already know the answers, but I just wanted some reassurance. 


NP: Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance